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Horn_of_plenty - Sunday Mar 29, 2015
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 126.0

Overall around 2350 calories.

Breakfast: hot water with lemon, turmeric, apple cider vinegar - around 30 cal. and a kombucha 60. so around 100 here. followed later by yogurt 150, peanut butter 200, oat bran made with coconut water (trying to get the potassium in for my muscles / legs) 160.  510 or so.

total is 600, good. gym soon. I want to do it in the morning, then come back here and have lunch / do laundry. then go food shopping for the week, as well as cook many vegetables - instead of buying precooked stuff again (it'll save me probably 50%). later in the week (Wednesday evening?)  i'll pick up a cooked chicken as I still have some protein leftovers here to last me till at least end of the day Monday - even tuesday / Wednesday if I eat sardines on Tuesday - 1/2 can at lunch and 1/2 at dinner. and wednesday I can even eat a microwave meal as I have a few in my freezer and can bring that to work for lunch! that's my plan for the week.


luckily I got the retirement thing pretty much sorted out on my day off - Thursday. Basically now i'm just waiting for confirmation and the check to be sent from my old system to my new one. the only way I got it done was thru connections, since organizations listen better to the higher-ups than just simple common-order, person in the general public. stupid that it took 2 days to get done what took me 3 months with no progress. glad it's finally getting settled. just need a week -2 weeks or so more to take the check. and be removed from the NYS Teacher's Retirement System.

Seems there are some things really bothering me these past couple days - not physical as much as certain thoughts on specific topics (mostly work-related) that are making me anxious them fully reach my conscience, better than holding back and having my legs bother me bc I cannot face the truth of it really whats bothering me down deep. I would have preferred to have a week of work right now - as I feel I need it mentally. but, that will not be happening anytime soon.  this is I believe a lot of what is bothering me. the fact that I'm a bit worn out but cannot take time off to mentally recharge. so I'll have to make due with what I've got. last week, that one day off, was like a big tease. but at least I got that :)

I think I'm beginning to reach several points of clarity about things over this weekend.  Even during my walk, I passed a stranger who lives in my area bc he was walking too in the neighborhood. And he and I exchanged a few friendly words, basically about the crazy weather that it was still snowing and we both would appreciate summer when we didn't have to wear so many layers!  We departed ways, but not before he said "God Bless You!"  It made me completely emotional after I walked away from him.  Because I thought to myself how I hope it is true, that we are all blessed, god is watching over us.  Yes, I'm an adult but I was thinking about life and where i'm at.  How I do have many years of a slightly lower income than I'm comfortable with ahead of me.  How I will finally be in the clear, income-wise, when I am around 40 years old. 8 years from now and long into my career already.

Basically, I do have some regrets about some things I did in the past. but I also realize it is only my actions and the consequences of my actions that have basically brought me to this point in my life. 32 is not a kid anymore. It's a full grown adult well into career/jobs/working and having to basically fend for myself. I am lucky I did get so much help throughout my 20's, being able to live at home that entire decade (sometimes paying rent, but minimal of course). I admit I've gotten help with many things.

but now life it pretty much going to be at a standstill for the next year.  Money situation will remain the same. I should probably start cooking MORE and spending less.  but even if that doesn't fully happen, in general, my spending will decrease in other areas. I don't buy clothing like I used to when I lived at home. and even the process of purchasing sneakers is a bit of a nuisance since they need to be a good quality and I will actually be using a portion of my tax refund to pay off around $1,000 on my credit card as well as for several other things I want. I will luckily still have some $ to put into savings as well.

Not looking for compassion, just trying to come to wraps with my life & how it will go moving forward from this point on.  Now i'm actually crying writing this.  I just am having trouble coming to grips with the direction of my life. I don't see all the good in it right now and mostly the negative comes to my mind, all the time. I am jealous of those that don't get to see any hardship ever. Not that my hardship compares to real hardship, but I've faced it. even before this job. hardship in the workplace, in my second year of working ever with a male superior boss.  He took the side of the parents and ran with it, never giving me a chance. I succeeded as much as I could, teaching music in one of the most wealthy school districts probably in the entire US. it was on long island, and yes, I had lots of kids of very, very wealthy parents. Howard Stern's neice wasn't my student, but went to that public school.

I just have less patience than I used to. My job has made me angry. It's changed me.  made me view people & life differently. given me a harder shell towards people and situations.

And because life is at a standstill right now. and my legs still pose a threat since i'm STILL getting into the longer walks and still feeling weakness and fatigue (more bc I am fatigued, still not sleeping appropriately during the work weeks bc of the work / workout schedule I have which CANNOT be adjusted unless I didn't work OT, which isn't happening as I don't make enough money to completely forego it).  So I still need to concentrate on improving my strength and health, mentally and physically, so when it's time to leave this job I can. - and enter the NYPD rested and ready.

But before then, my sister's wedding is approximately a year away, give or take. so, I will NOT be taking any vacations this year. - as in a vacation to a hotel or anything.  I am going to use my days for my own needs. to get a good workout in. to spend time with friends around here at a concert. that's it. and i'm going to make MY schedule, my job, my life work for ME. it's not about me living someone else's idea of my life. its ME LIVING MY LIFE.

and therefore, it's me that should make the calls of what I need & when I need it. and that's it.

so....I wanna look good for her wedding & I will. how? I am going to make it the priority, since the only other priority is that I show up to work this next full year thru next April.

I will not have much else going on, besides some great concerts that i'm going to and maybe a show or some other similar activity around here. and that's where I might use an extra day or two. but no wasted full weeks of vacations. bc that will NOT in the end make me happy, rested, or ready for the next week when i'm at work again.

it's my life, like I said. and I know what I need to get thru it. if I had been in this industry from the start, and luckily I wasn't, I'd have more vaca time by now. but whatever, like I said, I know what I need to do to be successful at my life. and that's the end of it.


Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 2 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty - Saturday Mar 28, 2015
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 126.0

Happy Saturday! I def slept in a little bit :) Took a sleeping pill around 1am when i woke up and went back to bed around 2am until almost 9am. slept around 10 hours total, thankfully.  i needed it...same for tonight, looking to sleep in a bit tomorrow, too.  If i can get more sleep during the weekdays, I wouldn't care so much about sleeping extra on weekends. but right now, i am determined to catch some extra zzzz's this weekend after a very busy week.

10am Breakfast: Skyr Icelandic yogurt with stevia and canned pumpkin/cinnamon 150, ice pop 30, boullion cube/1/2 lemon/turmeric/extra sea salt 40.  strawberries with truvia. 80? 300...yeah, still hungry...

11am: followed up the above meal with oatmeal made with a mix of water/coconut water 150, peanut butter 200 - 350 & kombucha 50 - 400.

700...and some coffee...but will not count it (had milk, but not counting the calories)

late lunch at 3pm: sautéed cooked red cabbage around 100 (maybe more), 1 fried egg 100, 1/2 avocado 160, wrap 60: 450 at most.

1150, good.

dinner with friend tonight (ordering pickup so I can make a "Jackie Meal" out of it - low cals and fill up on light foods). Or.....either way...looking forward to some tasty thai food!

I did good, def not more than 2000.

walked a little too much, legs slightly bothering me, but also still stressing too much with my own thoughs. I need to better distract myself from the things that are bothering me (thoughts, not physical things)


Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 2 lbs to go!

grannyannie on 03/29/2015:
Hope your weekend goes well.

Horn_of_plenty - Friday Mar 27, 2015
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 126.0

not more than 2,000 today. good.

half hour walk at lunch and then hour walk after work. a bit too much, but felt good doing it.

legs and body in general are very, very tired. hoping to sleep in, for a long time Saturday morning :)

Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 2 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty - Thursday Mar 26, 2015
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 126.0

breakfast: 150 - banana, light drink, and hot water with lemon, turmeric, apple  cider vinegar, black pepper. followed by fried egg 100, low carb wrap 100, 1/2 avocado 150. total 500 healthy calories. very filling.

Snack of a natural bar few ingredients and decaf coffee while running around 250

 Lunch healthy slaw salad 150, lots of cooked bok choy with some oil 200, some fish 150 Maybe even 550. Around 1300 so far. Taking a walk now at 4pm then weights at gym later

snack before gym: coffee, small banana, strawberries 250

after gym: protein bar, popsicle 250

1800 very good.

Today is my last vacation day of the calendar year (company goes from April 1-March 31 for vacation days).  So, I've taken a total of 10 vacation days this year & 5 sick days, and two religious holidays during the Jewish New Year.

Next year I will be conserving a bunch of days for winter & March since my sister will be getting married and I am SURE I will not want to be working the grind around the time of her wedding in April! So I will take a bunch of days before April & then also use some of my new days around the time of her wedding.  If I am smart, I will only use a few of the 2016 days in over a year from now - because soon after I will resign from my job & should save days so that I can be PAID even while i'm not working there and inbetween my job that i'm leaving & the academy that i'm starting...lots to keep in the back of my mind, always.

10:00AM i'm taking care of taxes with my accountant. (like an hour's drive away, hopefully it'll take more like 45 minutes with less traffic)

11:30AM Then going to the dermatologist back closer to me.  i'm worried about something near my nose.  It's a couple growths which are small but I have noticed they are slowly increasing in size and it bothers me a lot.  Maybe the dermatologist can remove them. 

1:30/2:00PM till maybe 3 or 4pm stopping by the union hall,  right by me,  to meet with a supervisor over my options for how I am going to be able to transfer my money from the NYS Teacher's Retirement System (It's mandatory I have to pull my money out after 7 years not working & also not vested) and put it in my current retirement system for my job.  I've been trying to complete this transfer for 3 months and recently learned that my current system won't sign the paperwork for the teacher's retirement system. Lots of rules involved & it's not as simple as you'd think. 

Teacher's Retirement System is not about helping me out in any way & doesn't give a hoot if I am taxed 30% or not.  I am trying to forgo the taxes as 30% of $5,000 is a bit too much money in my opinion to throw away when I should be able to transfer it all. If I can get the paper signed by the top guy in my industry for my retirement plan - who I am going to see - I will be able to transfer the funds.  If he cannot sign, I have to go to the bank & open a new 401k and transfer my money there....and then transfer it into my current account - lots of extra steps i'm hoping to skip over.

I was gonna get my hair done today but that was before I made plans for the 1:30/2pm appt. At this point, I have cancelled my hair apt for a Keratin which makes it really easy for me to do my hair & wear it down to work for a few months.  I love the treatment & can only do it when I know I have the ability to wait 3 days before washing the solution that the coat the hair with out.  And I was really hoping to do it today - but the procedure is a couple hours & more important is me going to the gym.

around 3pm/4pm- not sure what time / afternoon before dinner: going to the gym for what should be a strong workout. been looking forward to a good workout today after a couple weeks of crappy ones.  it's too bad I couldn't fit in the hair after, as I'd originally planned. but I need to relax tonight - I do have work tomorrow.

it's a busy day - wasn't supposed to be this busy. but I need to take care of this retirement system problem so I can get my full amount from the Teacher's Retirement System before it turns July and I am penalized for not taking my money out & therefore getting nothing!

Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 2 lbs to go!

puddles on 03/26/2015:
busy day but have a great one.

Umpqua on 03/26/2015:
What a headache on the retirement funds, I hope you can get it sorted out!

grannyannie on 03/26/2015:
Very busy day! Good luck on sorting out your pension. Sounds complicated.

biscottibody59 on 03/26/2015:
If it's like most retirement plans your options are (probably) to withdraw the lump sum and YOU take care of the taxes, you take out everything for you except the taxes and penalty, or you roll it over to an IRA (Roth or traditional). If you roll it over, you pay no tax because none of it is in your hands.

It would be unusual for your current employer's plan to allow you to place your own money in their plan. But then I only know enough to be dangerous--as they say:-)

I wish you well in getting it all done to your liking!

thinkpositive on 03/27/2015:
Hope you accomplished everything!

Horn_of_plenty - Wednesday Mar 25, 2015
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 126.0

around 1800 calories & half hour walk - as good as I could do.  Proud of myself for getting thru a very busy week so far.  And tomorrow I have some very important financial matters i'll be taking care off, one of them being my taxes.

the point is I got thru the day, not easy after last night 's two glasses of wine before dinner, an event that ended around 9:30, going to bed at 11:30 & waking up at 4:30.

Proud of myself because I absolutely KNOW that NOBODY could have done it better than me. I did everything I needed to do on Wednesday & that's all that matters.

Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 2 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty - Tuesday Mar 24, 2015
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 126.0

I made myself nervous and on edge for no reason.  I hate it when I feel out of my skin just in regards to a simple dinner function.  - half the people there are retired anyway.  it's so sad that I can make such a mess of a couple weeks stressing for no reason & blowing things totally out of proportion in my mind.  I am sorry for myself and how I acted these past couple weeks.  I need to try to function with challenges and stop being so negative and resistant to them.

At the end of the day, the night was very nice.  I chatted with folks and was able to have a better night / or rather a unique and different night from the usual night of overtime or the gym.  it's sad that I had to stress so much & so many days before it.  I must do better.

Good thing is that I went to the gym last night.

I am pretty tired out though already.

and it seems things just keep piling on and on as to bills and other issues that need tending to regarding money / savings that I need to deal with - nothing bad - but things that can't wait any longer and involve me making trips to the bank....to discuss with them.

Probably around 2200-2300. success. but way too much stress that I created for myself.




Woke up several times during the night but prob only lost 1hr of sleep. Prob got around 6.5-7hrs sleep last night. Not too bad considering how stressed I was about today....my hair is even done yay....I have an important dinner function to go to after work tonight.

Early drink: warm water with lemon/turmeric/black pepper/apple cider vinegar 30.

Breakfast: half avocado on wrap 220 with fried egg 100 - 320., green tea

mid morning: green tea and 2% chobani coconut yogurt 150

lunch: darker meat chicken, yellow rice, veggies 600?



dinner: event - will choose healthy options.


Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 2 lbs to go!

Maria7 on 03/24/2015:
Thank you for your advice about the veggies and exercise to lose weight. I appreciate it very much. Hope you have an enjoyable dinner function tonite after work.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 03/24/2015:
I am glad my advice was well taken :) It's how I do it - and when I wasn't able to exercise much - it really helped by making sure I had the veggies around :) the dinner was pretty good, thankfully!

Umpqua on 03/24/2015:
I hope your dinner goes well, I'm sure you'll be able to make healthy choices!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 03/24/2015:
I was nervous for nothing. it's really unfortunate that for two weeks I was stressing over something so unimportant :(...or something so laid back and that's meant for enjoyment. Also, the owner of my company never showed up and therefore I didn't have to sit near him. I am sorry I made it so that I stressed so much for no reason.

thinnside40 on 03/24/2015:
I had lights out @ 10 p.m., no internet, no t.v... Just soft music. Set 4 alarms between 5 a.m.- 9 a.m. to get up with a different saying for encouragement to get up by... Got up @ 6 today. Trying to get on a schedule at my age is near a laugh, but giving it a whirl anyway. Hope your day is a great one!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 03/24/2015:
haha...this is pretty funny to read :) thank you for a laugh before bed!!!

Horn_of_plenty - Monday Mar 23, 2015
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 126.0

I am glad I challenged myself on my walk yesterday. It was the perfect thing to do - and I got to talk to my best friend for the entire two hours. Now THAT is a good friend to have!? No!? I love her to pieces for her patience with being my friend. She is always there for me. Like a sister.  I have a sister, but I am FAR closer with my best friend.

Calories thru end of workday were higher, but not in a bad way.  I was eating more, to make sure I had more continuous energy.  When you are a bit tired, the body wants energy constantly.  And I didn't really wanna have coffee, because I am trying to watch my skin a little for tomorrow evening.  But that all went to the garbage after work lol, when I bought a small iced coffee (which was NOT decaf like I asked for - and I could tell by the shaky side effects I had at the gym and by how awake I am now lol). 

I left work as early as possible today - NO OT at all and a short lunch at my desk. I did the purposely, so I could finish sooner and be home sooner so I can relax before bed - I even took a sleeping pill - but it's having NO effect right now - because I am so wired from the gym.

Also, I must spend time blowdrying my hair tonight - so it's done for tomorrow & then i'll just put an iron over it for the sleek look.  I have to go to a dinner last night - not very fancy - but - the stress is on because the owner of my company will probably be there :(  He is going out of obligation to the union, which holds the dinner. It's not a company dinner - but obviously when the biggest boss is there, I need to present myself better bc a lot of people do consider it a "night out"  - especially the retired folks who are invited and go.  So, I'll do my hair lol :)

I plan to leave work early tomorrow too.  Maybe more at 4 instead of 4:30. So I can come home, park my car, and walk to where the event is being held. - Yes, I live walking distance 10 minutes away.  I want to be able to wash my face at home & put on makeup fresh for the event - duh.  So, I gotta leave work early.  the good thing is that my boss will be leaving even earlier than me. yay - so it shouldn't be an issue - I just need to get up & walk out. :)

Today I was rushing so much that I forgot all my food for the day at home (including BREAKFAST, LUNCH & DINNER!).  I did a great job ordering out - and calories are only a bit higher because I indulged in a little more rice that came with the meal because it was so fresh and tasted so good. I figured I was going to the gym later anyways, and it wouldn't help to get the energy boost of the Spanish yellow rice. I also had a bit extra of dark meat chicken.  It was all tasty & healthy. Glad there was a healthy option to order :)

Workout started at not so good at the gym as the coffee was too much as always. I needed to rest quite a bit - but then it turned into a pretty darn good workout. But, still, I am using slightly lower weights at times - probably Thursday I will try to go on the heavier side again - if I can manage a bit more rest before then :)

Calories were around 2200. Yes, definitely some sugars and sweet things, but, really not so overboard.  I had 2 bananas and that was smart, as I am typically low in potassium and I had quite a bit of tea in the morning and coffee in the evening & a challenging workout. I feel better because of the bananas.

Also, it's that time of the month, and I could use a little extra "bulking" items....reasons for the bananas & also extra rice at lunch.

Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 2 lbs to go!

grannyannie on 03/24/2015:
Have a great week!

Horn_of_plenty - Sunday Mar 22, 2015
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 126.0

7am Breakfast: Snap Crisps pea chips 200, strawberries 50, egg and 1/2 an avocado on wrap 350 = total of 600. was just planning on the chips and to go back to sleep but instead decided on a bigger, healthier, nutritious breakfast!....then went back to sleep for an hour.

10am Snack: some kombucha 20, then oatbran 120 with some extra wheat bran mixed in 30. total here is 170....and a yogurt 110.

880...snack before grocery shopping, around 150.

Today's plan is for grocery shopping this late AM / early PM. Lunch. Then driving to my favorite park to walk around for at least 2.5-3miles. wishing you all a great day.

1050 cals before late lunch @ 3pm.

Healthy lunch: 50 cal in wheat puffed crackers, spinach 20 with lots of sautéed cabbage 130 at least, and tofu 100. around 300, excellent. and lots of seltzer, some added stevia for an extra zing. gonna drive to the park soon....really wanna go to my favorite place today even though I have to drive. I will get to the park around 4 and I plan on staying one hour, which is about 3 miles.

around 1350 cal, excellent.

Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 2 lbs to go!

puddles on 03/22/2015:
Have a great day

Horn_Of_Plenty on 03/23/2015:
thanks Puddlie ;)

grannyannie on 03/22/2015:
Have a lovely day.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 03/23/2015:
today was crazy busy and I was very stressed, but after my workout, I felt relieved and happy I didn't skip it tonight!

biscottibody59 on 03/22/2015:
RYC: Thanks for the BD greetings!

ps--I'm only 56:-)

Horn_Of_Plenty on 03/22/2015:
haha.... ;)

Umpqua on 03/23/2015:
Good work! I buy stevia packets from our co-op and use them for my morning coffee and baking. I've been using it for years so I guess I'm used to the taste. I can't even taste it in baking and cutting out sugar eliminates SO many calories. Way better than any artificial sweetener IMO.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 03/23/2015:
I agree 100%. I refuse to agree that there are health consequences to using Stevia / truvia. Until further shown by experiments, I count on it also. I like it very much - definitely helps cut LOTS of calories.

museumgirl on 03/23/2015:
Have a great day!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 03/23/2015:
thank you M girl!

liza36 on 03/23/2015:
Enjoy your time at the park. I always love getting outdoors.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 03/23/2015:
It was cold & windy, but worth it 100%. It felt great to walk a longer distance - to challenge myself a little bit more...

thinnside40 on 03/23/2015:
Hope the day turned out as you wanted :)

Horn_Of_Plenty on 03/23/2015:
Sunday was perfect. I challenged myself a bit, walking a bit longer even than I planned. I got stressed, thinking it was too much, but turns out, it wasn't. I need to slowly challenge myself, more & more.

Horn_of_plenty - Saturday Mar 21, 2015
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 126.0

8-8:45am Saturday Morning: strawberries and truvia: 50, wheat bran 50 mixed with oatbran/almond milk/coconut water 150, peanut butter 100, yogurt 200, pumpkin 50: 600...and an organic food bar 250 = 850.

morning late snack: kombucha 50, 900.

12pm/1pm lunch: tofu 70, cooked veggies and added extra microwaved spinach 150, rice 150, pea snaps (chips) 120, small banana 110: 600, good. healthy at least. needing more carbs lately, probably bc I am sleeping less and my body desires more "instant energy."

1500, fine so far.  gonna be doing a strong weights workout this evening / tonight. may take a nap before it.

napped from around 1:30-3pm...without alarm clock...and woke up still tired. decided to have strawberries and green tea, followed up with a Cliff Bar...and decided to head to the gym a little earlier, not wait exactly 48 hours between my last workout this time, and get it done so I can come back here and relax tonight - and not come home late from gym. it's ok - just trying to fit in my workouts this week (busy week ahead and my workout tonight is so I can go again Monday evening, instead of Tuesday. Tuesday I have a dinner event after work to go to, it'll end late around 8-9. then Wednesday I have a normal day of work....followed by Thursday, my last day off of this "calendar year" since our vaca days are form 4/1-3/31.  So using my last Vaca day on Thursday in order to go to my tax guy & dermatologist...and a good gym session then. Friday work as normal. So trying to relax a bit this weekend and get more sleep so I can feel good this work week. Got a lot going on!

3:45pm snack: green tea, strawberries with truvia, chocolate almond fudge Cliff Bar before gym - 300.

1800....good so far!

 around 2100-2200. success :) and I had a good workout too. I had a ton of endurance - stayed two hours and didn't even need a shake or banana. only bad part is I had not only tea but also 1/2 an energy drink before the workout. sometimes I gotta do what I gotta do. pleased at the workout.


Friday was around 2250.

Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 2 lbs to go!

grannyannie on 03/21/2015:
Well done! Very healthy.

puddles on 03/21/2015:
Have a great day.

SkinInTheGame on 03/22/2015:
Good day! Have you had a relaxing Sat night

Horn_Of_Plenty on 03/22/2015:
I had a very relaxing night. the gym relaxed me so much that all i wanted was my bed lol, shortly after dinner.

thinkpositive on 03/22/2015:
Great workout! Healthy eating!

Horn_of_plenty - Thursday Mar 19, 2015
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights/bike)
Weight: 126.0

around 2200. felt like crap all day. bad mood.

while at the gym, exercising, a coworker that also teaches at the gym very enthusiastically said hi to me while I was grueling thru the workout despite ample caffeine. I was and am exhausted. She ruined my workout somehow. She never ever works late and has way more vaca than me, especially this year bc she was hired halfway thru and was allowed to still take her 3 weeks and 5 sick days. I am not jealous but while working out, escaping life, I don't enjoying seeing my coworker at the gym - AT ALL. she was off today, in fact.

anyways, that's now the point. I was then exercising around 10-15 minutes later after seeing her and all of a sudden I started thinking about how in fact tired I was.  and yes, I was thinking I was tired the entire workout, though still enjoying it.  but, I couldn't do as heavy sets and many times I just chose the lighter weight option than the heavier ones for all exercises. it wasn't like I was taking it easy, but my body is SHOT. I have acne on my face and back. I look bad. and feel much, much worse. 

so i'm reading thru this...and skipped my point in the previous paragraph - I started thinking just how tired I was, my eyes actually started to tear, I got very upset, and was crying, full out, as I did an ab exercise. I was crying so much that I started to cry out loud and had to walk out of the gym into the bathroom. I BROKE DOWN at the gym. bc what I really needed was sleep. but after the crying, I finished my workout. it is what it is. if you have a habit of working out, excuses can't get in the way.

I don't think the people at my company are pleasant. many of them stuck up pieces of a$ $. I am serious. Unfriendly bosses who ignore you as they walk by. it's just a VERY unpleasant atmosphere. filled with many unpleasant people. and now I am one of them. I hate several of them. for their lack of caring about anyone except themselves. not everyone is like that, but the ones that are, do NOT get my respect. one woman I actually IGNORE. she was rude and ignored me at the beginning when I would say hello to her. so now, when I see her, I look beyond her, right past her. I do NOT like doing this to people, but I will not respect you if you continuously disrespect me.

my work abuses people. and I've been abused. I shouldn't have to be and feel this tired and out of my element. it is not fair to always work OT when everyone around me leaves on time except for one.  people don't understand how it feels to be me, but I sure do.  most importantly it is that my work is affecting my health negatively. this is where I draw the line. when my health is affected poorly, I really can't argue anything good about working OT. I need a mental break from the job.  it's too much. and yes, I have a few vaca days in sight as April begins the new year of vaca days. but like I always rant on here, I get 10 days for the year. I cannot just swing them all at once. that would be stupid. especially in the winter as it seems (I've looked at my past records that I keep) that I like to have a few spare vaca / sick days come those wicked months of January / February when it's freezing and horrible weather and then we have a storm and I just want to stay home.  It seems based on my records that I took more days in the winter....you know...it helps me maybe not get sick or feel better to relax a little at home in the winter 2-3 days not in a row off from work around that time.

I have to go to some kind of dinner event next week. sort of work-related. I don't want to go bc I am feeling unwell (not in a sense of being sick) and out of my element. my face is full of acne and I just don't feel good. I don't want to have to present myself.  The owner of my company usually goes to it, with his fiancé. He doesn't understand stress with working too much. It was never his problem. I don't want to be there. Right now, I am mad at the world. My world. Bc it's sorta f-ed up right now. My mistakes are piling up on me.  and I wouldn't say money is a problem necessarily, but it sure is very tight.  I will not be going on any vacations in probably the next 2 years or so, maybe more.  I would rather use my money for local things when I can.  I will be dipping into savings - not really now - but when i'm in the academy. hopefully my car will last me another 2-3 years. if not, I will use savings to replace that too. after this time, I will have relatively no savings, but I will have money in retirement plans. this is my life. it's what I've made of it. then after 5.5 years in the academy. I will, for the first time in my life, around the age of 39.5-40yrs old, be making enough money to live well. and money will NEVER  be a problem for me again.  At 40 is when money won't be an issue, at all. I'll be making over $90K a year.

but right now, especially tonight and this week, the OT, lack of sleep because I cannot relax bc I am not home to relax, causing some insomnia as you mentioned, has made me feel pretty darn bad.

I'd say my workout tonight was the worst one I've ever had in my life.


I guess you can say it can only get better from here? maybe. I still have over one year left at my job.  That's a LONG time. and my sister's marriage - which now I am saving vaca days because of. but maybe I don't have to - since it's in April :) and April is a new year....so you know, I don't really have to save too many days.  maybe i'll just save around 5 sick days total for wintertime....and then use my 10 vacation days spread throughout this year now....YES. I just figured it out. :)  Good plan i'd say.  In June, I'll be using a couple days for a concert. Same thing in August. In the summer, I'll use some days at the beach.  In the fall i'll use a couple days also for activites. and then I will save like I said, a few days for winter. it should work out just fine, actually. I'm feeling better now that I thought about it.

And after my sister's wedding, i'm quitting my job soon after. Academy starts in July.  I will not work even in June. and I will probably quit sometime in MAY.  I have around a year left.  I may take a vacation but will definitely enjoy life a bit, despite not much funds, before the academy. July 2016.

calories around 2200.

Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 2 lbs to go!

Maria7 on 03/20/2015:
Well...there you go...you don't have long left to be feeling unappreciated for all your efforts and long, hard labor! And also, you are still VERY YOUNG...so you have a lot to be joyful about! And you have a lot of vacation days that you can take frequent breaks from your stressful work environment and get some rest or travel or whatever. Btw, WE LOVE YOU here at DD. :-D

Horn_Of_Plenty on 03/21/2015:
LOL thank you :) but I don't have a lotta vaca days - just 10 per year! But I do like to break them up - so I can take a break when I want it! :D Thank you for the love, I love all of the DDer's too. It feels good to have an outlet here where I can speak my mind. And actually get advice and support on things I may not always be able to share with everyone else, except for a very small handful of people, if that! thanks for your support :)

Horn_Of_Plenty on 03/21/2015:
and yes, you are right, most of my vaca days are taken for me to rest / catch up / do whatever I need to do!

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