- Sunday Feb 01, 2015
prob around 2300-2400 today - good!
I did something on Friday which was highly stupid and ignorant - it could get me fired....I should write it here and maybe you guys could give me your opinions on it:
Have you ever been so exhausted / frustrated that you ended up saying something at work that could get you fired?
....of course I did...
Wednesday night I worked till 7pm. 8am-7pm which is too much for me, especially when I don't realize that I am going to be working that much ahead of time (no advance notice)
My main superior - my boss that I do most of my work for - had a problem with the way I did something and give me quite a lot of extra grief about it in the manner he spoke to me - letting me know he was frustrated with me.
I thought about that Wednesday night situation and it just got me so angry. Because I realized that I am getting very off track with the cop / nypd thing and that work has started to get progressively worse again with the hours. This leads to stress and that doesn't help me physically get to where I want to be. The goal was to leave the job healthy for the NYPD, not any other way - and now it seams I may actually be getting full out stuck.
Despite late hours Wednesday night, I work up early at 4am to get ready to go to the gym / and then straight to work for the day. Turns out I forgot a cardigan sweater at home, so after the gym I actually did have to drive back to my apt before going to work - so it already was a very busy morning...
I couldn't get myself into a good mood Thursday no matter how hard I tried. I just kept thinking how most of my coworkers don't have my hours (except for one - out of like 15 folks). I can't do it and go to the gym and get ready for the NYPD. I will fail if I have to continue on with long hours. It just doesn't work out, as I have experienced.
I have nobody to share this with - except for you guys and my best friend Christine and maybe one or two other folks. My dad has been in the electrical industry - local 3 union for NYC - for around 40 years. It is his life. He helped me get my job - basically got it for me when I didn't have one - 4 years ago. He doesn't understand my frustrations - and if I tell him - he will argue that people have it worse. My mom is even worse....she will simply ask me if I got paid for the overtime - and say, well, you gotta pay your bills, right!? you gotta be thankful that's what my mom says. She will argue with me if I say anything further, telling me that I am young and should have no problems working extra hours. especially bc I have no other family obligations.
It turns out it is a problem for me to work extra hours. I have been holding my feelings inside from my boss and everyone at work. Trying to carry out the orders I am given - to work these hours. but it came to a bitter head on Thursday and Friday. I was in one of the worst moods I have ever been in at work. and still, today Sunday, I can't manage to relax. It has to do with a full out lack of sleep - of which my dad can function on as he typically gets up at 4am to go to the gym before work....but I need to go to bed early in order to do this...basically I am not my dad and I am not a superhuman...and I am not able to do more than most people. I'm an average person - and just like my coworkers whom enjoy the benefits of leaving on time - that would help me out too, GREATLY.
This is what happened that could get my fired:
I was very rude to my immediate boss (who I have not to this day ever mentioned the NYPD to - bc I can't), the one that had a problem with me Wednesday night...and was rude to him in front of a manager (who has been there just over a year) (I have been at the job 4 years). I said something to the effect of "well, I only took a 10 minute lunch, so it makes sense that I would leave at 4:30pm today!!) but with an angry, snappy tone. and the previous day, Thursday, in another snappy tone, I said "I need to leave...I need to leave now!" at 5pm (my time to leave if I was to work a simple 8am-5pm day which doesn't always happen - my first couple years hardly ever happening).
But worse, the cream of the crop....
My office is huge, maybe 200 people. Lots of administration - "managers" and "vice presidents." There is a very young Vice President - of my estimating department. He's actually a year younger than me. Very smart, good looking, nice life, level headed, married to a pretty wife, an adorable 6 month baby...
He doesn't work much overtime, doesn't have my hours, isn't always in the office, has many meetings, is not under constant supervision. Because he is a boss. Of course I am not on his level. My position is basically a administrative assistant with a little more knowledge and skill in the estimating programs and ability to a little more involved work. but that's it. this guy is going far, already probably making close or over 6 figures. like I said, different level...
he is in perfect shape. is on lots of sports teams. somehow he can fit it into his schedule during the week. I can't with my longer hours at times. like I said, he's not always in the office, so I don't know his routine, but I do know that he would never last sitting at a desk like I do - but of course this is all besides the point...
I ran into him at the copier, and he asked me "hows it going." I answered him rather rudely Friday and pretty brusquely too...saying, "i'm fine" or something like that and just didn't say anything else....so we were standing in silence while the copying machine was going and everyone was working...then he did say "we are all very busy" and that was it. all I could think was, "he doesn't know at all how I feel about being busy...at work...extra hours that I hate"
...and then I overheard some vendors from another company that came to visit at my work speaking to him...it was just a lighthearted conversation. they said "you are in such great shape, what sport to you play..." and he listed like 3 sports off to them. and I said to myself "why can't I have more of this in my life...why should I have such stress while others are basking in life's glory?!....why I am letting myself get the short end of the stick per se at work....why am I actually doing these extra hours when all it's doing is stressing me out...."
I am so grateful to have a job to be able to pay my bills.
But I am a person that does like a schedule and routine and that's the one thing that's stressing me out.
...turns out that guy I told you about - the Vice President of Estimating - the one who is so level headed, very smart, and successful, was just about leaving for the day. Around 5pm. I think he may have been actually saying goodbye to me? I forget. But I saw him enter the stairwell / corridor and I spoke up...I said, "Russ, can I speak with you....do you really want to know how I am feeling...and I told him I was frustrated. I told him I would have been in the NYPD this past summer if everything worked out right...that now after two years I am finally getting back into it ....wanting to start preparing for it again...and of course he misunderstood at first...thinking i'd want to leave in 6 months...to which I said "no, no, didn't you hear me - the NYPD is no longer a guarantee...and if I can get in...it would be a year or a year and a half"...I still do not know what he heard and what he got out of it. I mentioned that I have to get up at 4am to go to the gym because I never know "how long is Jackie is gonna work till every night?" He doesn't have that problem - he always knows his schedule.
Yes, it's too much in my head....
Yes, I have spent too much time thinking about Russ, myself, and my dreams of the NYPD.
I had little sleep from Wednesday night on and I let all of my worries and thoughts rise to the surface. And at 5pm Friday, above is what I decided to say to a Vice President in my company. He knows my dad, he asked "what does your father think of your desire to join the NYPD" I said my dad didn't really like the idea - that he didn't feel it was safe. But that this is my life & I need to be able to support myself. I also mentioned my father would be pissed if he knew I had brought this up at work....and I also asked Russ not to tell the owner of the company everything I had just told him. (Russ owes his own life to the owner of the company - who gave him a $30G wedding gift....I shouldn't know this, but I do.)
People get easily fired this way. I could have been fired on the spot for what I said to Russ.
....I did wrong.
If my dad ever found out about me speaking to Russ pretty much saying in effect that I want to leave, my dad would never forgive me...chances are he could find out, because I have just about done every possible thing to cause myself and my dad problems with my job and in the industry.
there are no excuses for my actions.
But the reason I said those things to Russ is simple. I couldn't hold it in anymore. Holding in the pain and upset feelings that I have all the time - is stressing too.
....but yes, work should be a game, and I didn't play it very well the past couple days. I failed at it.
I actually have Monday off, a planned vacation day, with two important doctor appointments (lol - the gynecologist that I haven't been to in 3 years...so i'd say it's important I go!...and dermatologist...which is less important but hard to fit in so I needed this day off in order to do both...)
I don't know what will happen Monday. I don't know if my actions Thursday and Friday and my talk with Russ at the end of the day Friday will horribly impact my future at this company. For some reason, I don't think it will. I am probably being ignorant, but also I just think I have put up with a lot of crap these 4 years and hopefully, if I have any luck, I will continue with the same...
Tuesday i'll be back at work....and I guess I just need have a talk with Sam (my immediate boss who loves to have me work long hours with him - he's a workaholic) and I need to tell Sam that my legs are beginning to bother me again and it's something very important to me - that the longer hours are affecting the progress of my legs. and ask him that I have more set hours. that on occasion I can work a longer day, but generally I need set hours.
Do you have any advice on everything I've mentioned above? Other than that I am "officially crazy." I know I did majorly wrong. Didn't act professional in the least. ...and I really haven't thought about the fact that I could lose my job & have to move in with my parents again....
Russ just said "wow, well that changes things...I need to digest everything you just told me..." he said a few other things too...like understanding how I want to live my life...and that he has played sports with people who haven't gotten shin splints and they have been fine...so I should have no problem...
Do you have any advice on my situations?
If I had a family / kids lol if I were a different person - this wouldn't have happened. i'd be distracted enough to not have ongoing and steady thoughts about how angry / upset I was over my work situation...
I am asking you because like I said, there's nobody else to go to.
I may talk about it tonight with a friend who is a sociology professor - it would be good to get his advice too while i'm at a superbowl party...
but I have to keep most of these feelings generally from my family and generally from the person I deal with most at work. and well, since things just didn't seem to be going right for me as of late, these past 3 weeks with increased work hours, etc., I just let it all out....
Yesterday I did struggle to stay happy. and after my 2.5-3mi walk (I forget how long it was - if I took the short way on the second lap or the long lol...), my body was very cold and my legs bothered me. it could be in my head...but i'm taking it very easy today. no exercise. rest day completely. I only had to do minimal laundry.
later tonight i'm headed to a superbowl party. I probably won't stay too late as even though I have off from work tomorrow, I do have a gyno dr. apt at 8:30am...(haven't been to the gyn in maybe 5-6 years so gotta go!), also a dermatologist apt too - I get the botox in my underarms because I have a tendency to sweat too much and this fixes the problem. I've been doing the botox for around 4 years. I may try to wean myself off it - and even now sweating is definitely less of a problem than it used to be - as my excessive sweating was only during times of stress (hence work is when it was a major problem). also, at parties and other functions I would also sweat profusely and it wouldn't look good and i'd want to wear mostly black to cover it up. so getting the botox helps a lot - I can wear all colors and not worry about sweating.
breakfast was Maypo Oatmeal again with almond milk, 200, canned pumpkin 50, and some nut butter around 100. total 350.
snack: almonds and a clementine. around 200.
lunch: around 650, all healthy.
snack: cliff bar after a 2.5mi walk (I don't think i'm overdoing it, but my legs are tired after the walk...)250 cal.
out to a friend's house tonight:
Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 0 lbs to go!
- Saturday Jan 31, 2015
weights and walking.
Happy weekend :)
breakfast 400 oatmeal, nut butter, almond milk, canned pumpkin, stevia
snack: 400 protein shake of two scoops protein, milk, 1/2 banana
lunch around 700 chicken sausage, sautéed cabbage and other veggies, some of it in a wrap, small orange, some leftover grape kombucha
- Friday Jan 30, 2015
Def still had trouble maintaining any kind of content / happy composure at work. I realize I need to "power thru" and do better, which I am going to....
on a positive note, my legs are feeling better.
I went to a water aerobics class tonight for the first time at the pool. it was so much fun! and challenging, too! :) my left leg and even right leg did have a few cramps though....and I had to stop for a few moments...when doing certain moves in the pool...I guess I need more potassium.
have a great evening all...I am so happy it's the weekend :)
thanks for being my supporters, even when my own spirit waivers off...sometimes.... but it's the weekend, so i'm happy about that.
- Thursday Jan 29, 2015
one of the worst days ever. I was in a horrible mood and fully exhausted. tomomorrow should be a hair better.
4 hours sleep. 10pm-2am....just couldn't sleep. my blood is boiling. trying desperately to relax....long work hours do not work for me, at all. need to relax. anyways, I will have a nice weights workout shortly at the gym this morning :)
my body has been so out of whack that I've had "breakthrough" bleeding between my periods for 3 months. and this last period came at least 2 weeks late, and will last about 9 days when it's finally done - probably tomorrow, today is day #8. usually it NEVER lasts longer than 7 days. and it was heavier than normal in the middle instead of at the beginning. good thing I have a gyno appointment on Monday morning. that and a dermatologist...i'd say damn good use of a vacation day...I plan to have a nice workout that day, too. and that's 'bout it.
breakfast before gym since I felt I needed something - oatmeal and almond milk and a little sea salt and stevia 200.
- Wednesday Jan 28, 2015
worked 11 hours. just enough hours so that I don't get enough sleep tonight before the gym tomorrow..
calories around 1750, good.
- Tuesday Jan 27, 2015
Monday was around 2300. Good. We got out of work early around 2pm. My usual half hr or so commute home turned into one hour but that's MUCH better than some of my coworkers. Some of them - who live very far - may have taken 3-4 hours going home. I feel bad for those guys! Probably took the majority of the people a couple hours.
My dad was working in Manhattan and it took him a full 2 hrs just to get out of the city - and I think it took him closer to 4 hrs total getting home to Long Island - usually an hour or at most hour and a half commute! Felt bad for my dad. I hate it when he has these kind of stresses added into his life bc in general he is already far more stressed and busier than the average person. He doesn't deserve more stress when he could have tried to prevent it. He could have worked in queens today....not sure why he needed to work in the Manhattan office if it's so much harder to get home in inclement weather. I wonder if he had a meeting there. Sometimes I feel in the back of my head that he likes these sort of challenges...
Bc I got to my neighborhood around 3pm and I felt roads would still be sorta manageable later on, I went to the gym. It was a fantastic workout. Usually the gym is practically a 5-10 minute drive from my apt but since it was now around 5pm when I left the gym and the roads had gotten progressively worse, it took me a half hour to drive the usual 5-10 minute route. So glad my car is in its garage and I am going to relax at home all day tomorrow! Maybe I will do laundry, prob not...
Tuesday: Woke up around 2am-4am, so took a sleeping pill around 3am so I did fall back to sleep...went to bed extremely early even before 8pm since I was exhausted. I got around 9-10 hours sleep which feels amazing! lately my body wants to sleep more - probably because i'm also just getting back into exercising....and sleep is good for you, I may use the sleeping pills more on weekends, so that I can continue to sleep well on days off...
slept in till 8, breakfast: Maypo Oatmeal with almond milk, stevia, strawberries 300, greek yogurt with nut butter 300. total 600 yum
snacking: vegan protein bar (mostly fat and carbs) and broth with added turmeric 350,
lunch: sautéed veggies and chicken 400 or so, maybe more maybe less.
1350, good...wanting something sweet after lunch...maybe an orange.
total around 2300, healthy food.
Orange, chips, and another bar - more like a dessert 500. 1850 total before dinner - was planning sorta a low cal day, but instead I enjoyed the day and ate comforting food. I do feel good. I even did some extra laundry. Not really in the mood to cook up veggies, so will probably save that for another day! Just reading and I have been abnormally sleepy most of the day - must have been the sleeping pill I took around 3am.
- Sunday Jan 25, 2015
Plan: get some new shirts at old navy since I could use a few long sleeve shirts different from the usual ones I wear week to week at work ;), some food shopping (at two different places, one in morning & one in afternoon), maybe get nails done, and maybe walk at pool for around 20 minutes. the second two activities are not a must for today. I just realized, the pool is right near old navy....
so...I might as well go to the pool afterwards...but then again, i'm not feeling it. NO POOL today.
7:30am Breakfast: maypo oatmeal with almond milk and cinnamon, strawberries, nut butter: around 500.
10:00am snack: protein bar and decaf coffee with stevia around 200.
11:30am snack: Nature Valley granola bar package of the 2 bars 200 (before pool & it was a perfect snack for it...i was happy & energized there). Lately, i allow myself more carbs - especially before / after workouts and i feel better. there might be a connection here. i know in general that carbs do have that effect on people.
1:30pm Lunch: turkey burger around 100 very small, on a wrap 100, with lots of roasted cabbage 250. around 500 i'd say. excellent.
1400 so far, great. i am doing good these days. ever since adding a bit more exercise into my days, even walking, it's been easier on the diet end (aside from my 1st week or so back to exercise when i wasn't fully there...mentally...)
2250 today.2400 today is prob more like it.
YES, I DID GO TO THE POOL :) ended up starting with the breaststroke slow and also some walking / jogging in shallow end. Legs were giving me all sorts of phantom pain - less, but similar to what i used to get. close to the 20 minute mark i decided i did enough for the day and left a tad bit early purposely, rather than forcing it till 12:30 on the dot. was fun at the pool. change of pace. and it's nice we are having a bit warmer weather than usual here in NYC. S
oon enough though, we are going to have a major storm Monday night into all day Tuesday. still, it's already close to February and we haven't had any bad storms all of December & January. amazing. The Spring-like weather has also had a very positive effect on my overall mood and motivation towards full mental healing. everything has gone well for me today and the weekend felt longer than it really was because I've been able to be more active & got many more things done than i was beforehand.
- Saturday Jan 24, 2015
Breakfast: maypo oatmeal with almond milk and 3 tablespoons pb: 500
snacking: two plums around 80, some light broth with turmeric 20, greek yogurt 150
750, good...was gonna get coffee and protein drink before the gym but now i'm not in the mood for those things...
planning on a great weights workout at the gym, then picking up some tasty food and probably spending the rest of the day home. tomorrow I will probably go to the mall to buy some new clothing since I have a coupon to old navy & perhaps do a little walking at the pool (but may decide to put it off - the pool). I also wanna get my nails done & do some cooking. got the laundry out of the way this morning.
around 2350-2400. good.
exercise was REALLY good. great weights workout and ran into a neighbor at the gym from my building who I haven't seen in several months. spent extra time at the gym because I was also talking to him and some other folks. lots of fun!
- Friday Jan 23, 2015
Thank you all again. Here's something I wrote on Facebook....to share with the world haha...about what I went thru these past two years. I figured I would share it with you all too. I hope I don't sound too crazy. but it feels good getting it all out there. putting an end to this crap.....
It was basically a very challenging 2 year journey starting with a bad case of shin splints mid February of 2013. I am writing all this to get it out - maybe it'll help one other person out here on facebook or a friend of a friend. It's also helping me feel better, to put an end to what was a miserable two years.
I got shin splints a month before I moved into my apartment. It was a very stressful time with work hours, moving, and also trying to fit regular exercise in. I was doing it all, probably to the extreme. I was so excited to move here and walk / jog around, exploring the new neighborhood.
But that's not what happened. From mid-February 2013 thru March 2013, I was busy getting everything ready for the move, walking all around on weekends, store to store, my legs already in pain.
I was already in pain a full month. I wasn't resting them as I thought I just pulled a muscle. I continued to run on my legs for that month even though something was definitely wrong. Not an athlete growing up, I was practicing the "train thru pain," "no pain no gain," "warrior" approach....not smart in the least.
I ran till I couldn't run. I walked till I couldn't walk much. I cycled till I couldn't cycle. After about one month in my new place, April 2013, I couldn't do anything physical at all. I went to an orthopedist who simply said to stay off them....
Well, how would I park & walk the few blocks to work?? Would I really have to be so desperate and lazy to park in the crowded work lot? Really? No more extra errands? Not even a 10 minute walk?.... You got that right, I didn't full out comply with this doctor's orders. I didn't believe him when he stressed how dire the situation was - how I should NOT do any extra walking beyond the absolute minimum. That i'd need surgery down the road - if I didn't listen.
I wasn't taking off any days of work to rest my legs either. I was definitely trying my best to manage with the shin splints, still do some upper body weights workouts, get everything done.
After about a week or two of disobeying the doctor's orders for rest, my legs finally fully gave out. The pain was unrelenting. I was never in pain from anything (not even from having my wisdom teeth removed or the time I broke my ankle skiing) that compared to the horrible pain my legs were giving me. It was so bad, an enormous pain like sharp glass, like my tibias would break if I walked at all. It was still April 2013. And it happened after another weekend of thinking I could do just about everything.
Sunday came and I stayed home all day. Crawling like a baby around this place because I couldn't put the pressure on my shins. I know it sounds crazy, but the pain was too much for me.
Sunday, crawling around...Monday my dad gives me my grandmother's wheelchair and I stay home from work. Tuesday I go to another orthopedist that I was able to get a last minute appointment for...this dr recommended phys therapy....I ended up with a horrible 1st physical therapist. Only heat and massage, not much in terms of strengthening and stretching exercises. But I kept on with him because he was so close to my place and overall it was a rough time - so it felt like it was helping....and I was just thankful for that.
I even joined a pool, to learn to swim, to I could stay active even though I probably should have rested my body, completely, more early on. My legs did hurt a bit when learning all over again the freestyle stroke, backstroke, and the rest....
lots of pain....trying to push thru that summer 2013 to walk on the beach with my friend Christine....pushing thru to walk around the city with friends....always pushing thru. walking laps around nearby Queens College outdoor track when I thought i'd healed enough.
Fast forward....thru many months of physical therapy (7 months or so) at a great place, with a very supportive staff. It was my physical therapist who, close to the summer of 2014, suggested I take a break from everything for two weeks. I REFUSED. It was summer, I wanted to enjoy it with friends and family. go to the beach, go out on weekends! So I kept walking throughout summer. I wasn't sitting home during the summer....and then my birthday passed....it was time to stop everything physical, all exercise completely, take a BREAK. Went apple picking later September, that was the last straw.
I finally took a break starting October 2014. and took a break all the way through January 2015. Three months. RESTING. RELAXING.
....I am not sure when the pain really ended and I was healed in my legs.
What I do know is that anyone that suffers an injury bad enough, when it impacts their lives just enough, can also lead to undesired effects psychologically.
I know I am not crazy :) But can be pretty wacky at times...!!! :) But that's another subject unrelated to this particular story.
I will NEVER KNOW when my legs healed and the CHRONIC pain began. I'll never know because there was no difference in the type of pain I felt. There's tons of literature out there and that's what I plan on reading about in the next few months. Something to delve into, to learn more about now that I've realized this is what happened to me. It was a friend, more like just an acquaintance, of mine I know thru nutrition and fitness that pointed it out just this past Sunday.
Friends and family were always telling me i'd get better, but I didn't think they understood just how miserable I was feeling. My dad always said not to worry, that I would get better. It took someone that I wasn't as close with. Someone who could look at my situation in from an unbiased perspective. On Sunday, she said I should think about the mind-body connection. But that i'd have to be VERY openminded. She said there was a chance she could be wrong...but she had dealt with her own chronic pain when she was my age, 30 years ago...she's 60 now.
She went on to say that she couldn't believe I was already approaching two full years for the same injury. She suggested I read a couple books on the mind-body connection relative to physical injury by Author Dr. John Sarno. I ordered them on Amazon this morning.
Since Sunday evening, I have been thinking about what she said and putting it to use. When I feel any "symptoms," any.....I hate to say it even, PAIN, I tell myself: "NO, you are healed, there is no pain." and try to knock the thoughts out of my head. Pain and negative thoughts regarding it have been pretty ongoing, day after day, hour after hour for these past two years. So now i'm working to stop it. I've already had a great turnaround since Sunday evening.
I feel MUCH MUCH MUCH better. I still feel stuff (which I don't even like writing here but need to), but it's just my mind shooting down whatever extra chemicals they are (dopamine?) that's making me think I feel it. It takes a lot of focus and courage to continue reminding myself that it's not real pain. that I am physically healed.
So it's been a really crazy journey these past couple years and i'm so elated that I've reached this conclusion & that I can now move FOWARD. It's hard to believe that this continued for a full two years of my life.
I am overjoyed to start walking more....and more importantly, to enjoy my life to it's fullest!
Thanks to everyone here for your support when I was at those low points, so aggravated with myself and the condition I was in. Your kind words, encouragement, tips, and advice helped me greatly.
- Thursday Jan 22, 2015
will reply more to all of you on the weekend....thanks for all of your support, it means more than you'd expect. it means everything to me.
weights in morning, walk at lunch.
calories around 500-550 dinner
total cal around 2200, great!!!