calories for today are, grand total: 7,000. any progress i made in the last 2-3 weeks has been destroyed. back to square one. this is what i do...being a student has seriously destroyed me. the whole study thing really gets to me. yeah, that's an excuse which is a horrible one at that. look at all those med students, they study and do well and look great. yeah, gotta get my act together sooner rather than later. wait, it already is late!!! eh. i guess i won't look how i wanted to for this wedding. oh well. it's a month away now. i will keep exercising and everything of course.
went out for coffee with friends around 7pm last night and got back around 10pm. was exhausted and fell asleep trying to study. woke up around 4am bc my mind knew i should study lol and started, got hungry....had some food. fell back asleep. not going in today. taking a sick day to study. again. this will be my 3rd day off since September. But, i've already made one up by coming in during a vacation. I still feel guilty...and we should, for skipping out of school or work. but now i can study and get sleep. haha.
but i am happy i went out and had a good time rather than study. life is too short for me to always be so serious. i've already taken that approach in life. so now i have fun sometimes even when it's not the best choice. we have a test today, but i'll take it tomorrow. we have tests everyday except thursday this week, which is pretty normal in my program. so nobody could say "oh, you took off bc you didn't want to take the test" lol. bc we ALWAYS have tests.
4am breakfast: cream cheese and rye bread sandwich: 320, oatmeal w. apple butter and banana and milk: 350. yea, not low carb stuff. total: 670.
having some difficulty getting totally back to low carb...7am breakfast: tofu and green beans/almonds/oil: 480....crap: whole package milanos chocolate/raspberry: 975 , 20 sunkist jell candies 650, cookies 450, pizza 350, more sunkist 110. believe me, i'm not done. 3020 or soover here.
...cheese and cream cheese sandwich toasted and melted: 550, finished off the sunkist gems 500 total here: 1050...half a frozen and actually gross pound cake 450 or so. so, 1500 now.
total so far today: 5190.
Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!
2060 cal before coffee w. a couple girls. 1.5 mile walk in my scrubs before coming straight home which was a VERY SMART idea. it relaxed me a bit.
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class was DREADFUL today! boring. it was just very repetitive and i think EVERY student, all 9 of us, would agree. glad that's done.
i did NOT have breakfast, which totally set me up to fail...but i didn't totally fail.
snack: nuts...3 cups tea, diet sprite, water....
lunch: green beans/almonds, soy chips, yogurt, irish soda bread (cake!)
total here 1150...
snack: snicker's protein bar 210
veggies/dressing: 100
dinner: tofu, greens, olive oil (many, many servings) 600 at least. i am in a pretty bad mood after today.
going to meet people for coffee. i won't give in to treats. gotta stay on track.
Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!
i binged. grandma's cookies ... all of those packaged crappy cookies...were irresistable. even though they aren't even good. so i at all of them.
calories are at least 3200...came home and decided to have the green drink i got earlier this week but still didn't drink (because i really don't like to drink calories except for protein shakes and forgot how much i'd rather NOT have a green drink lol)
so, calories for today are around the 3500 mark. eh. 1st day i have grains in a long time (probably something more like 2-3 weeks). i'll be back on schedule starting tomorrow though. it may be tough, but i'm ready. ugh.
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tasty breakfast splurge: egg white omelette w. scallion: 180 or so, 2 pkgs green beans/almond 320, olive oil 100 approx: total: 600 fine.
early lunch: shake 350 or so...and salted cashews 350...andcauteed veggies 200 or so...gave into temptation! total here: 900!
snack: another shake??340 or so
total so far: 1840 if i have that other shake...don't think i want it.... :( too much eating today...
dinner: i plan on baking tofu and veggies, i think...
ok, i'm totally changing what i originally wrote here before...2200 is my limit today!
Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!
breakfast: multiple servings of beans and almonds 380, some peanut oil 120, and a little tofu. 90 total: 590-600.
lunch: protein shake 340
snack: tofu/jello 250...followed by more string beans and nuts lol 240 total around 500
total so far: 1440....1480 had some seaweed sheets
dinner: egg omelette w. spinach 260 and then some chicken/veggies 180 total: 440
total: 1920. done for the night. :) generally content.
4.5 miles at the park. :)
no changes in weight thus far. eating under 2,000 today. and i will try for 1500 tomorrow.
Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!
Here's to a good Sunday!
770 calories...till 4pm...
snack: natural protein bar, sugar free energy drink: around 300.
followed by a nice 3 mile walk. it was definitely chilly and brisk but i had my winter jacket. haha, i didnt' even go home to change so i was walking in my white scrub pants. was great. glad i didn't stop home and start binging or something like that.
dinner: humongous. and great. don't regret it a bit.:
lots of egg whites (2 cups worth) 250, made into omelettes with a bazillion veggies 200, spray oil 250??, dessert is tofu w. some light fruit flavoring i put on it 200. Total for dinner: 900. this is actually fine.
total cal today: 1970. alright. better than a binge. i cannot binge this week/weekend.
5 weeks now till the wedding. i think i may still have lost a few pounds although some might be water weight. no weighing in. i'll continue this eating plan. i am allowing myself protein shakes. all is good.
Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!
i really am upset. i'm tired. i'm down. i am out of my skin tonight. :(
i feel lost. i don't even have my own mother to talk to. i tried telling her about my day and she wasn't evening listening. so i stopped. and i yelled at her for not listening to me and just saying rude things as soon as she got home from work.
i'm so upset.
__________________________________________________
today sucked royally because i had to work alondside two of the biggest ****s i've yet to meet in life. they have no care or compassion to help me as a student and would rather rip me a new one with every chance they can get. it was really hard driving home even...thinking about how hard i try but how little they really care or want to work with me. these two peope, in the emergency room, make me very self conscious when i ask them questions because sometimes they will just stare me down as i ask them or they make me feel seriously stupid. if i had to count, there are only about 4?? people like this out of the whole xray department of many more people... but now i'm in a horrible mood...and when my teachers have to read how i did these past two weeks in the ER, my review does not reflect my time there the way it should have.
breakfast: beans/almonds/oil: 260
snack: almonds 210
lunch: beans/almonds/oil: 260 , diet sprite
snacks/dinner combined: 6 sf jello 60, stir fried mushrooms 150?, baked eggplant w. olive oil: 200??, some spinach 20, huge egg omelette w. tons of stir fry veggies inside 350, tofu and veggies 300? , stevia chocolate sweetened tofu i made 200 TOTAL;
2010....maybe a snack. long, annoying day.
Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!
These PITAs that you had to work with -- they are cutting your teeth. Perhaps they had to endure similar attitudes during their training/education. Or perhaps they are testing you to see if you have what it takes.
Do not take this personally. Please consider: They would have treated ANYONE like that. Also, please consider: This has more to do with THEM than it does with YOU. All you can do is your best, which I am sure you did.
I give you kudos for not giving up and continuing to ask questions, even with responses as you described. DO NOT GIVE UP. DO NOT GIVE IN. DO NOT LET THEM HAVE THE POWER OVER YOU TO DRIVE YOU TO BINGE.
(not yelling; I just want to be perfectly clear.)
HUGS! :-)
calories a bit higher than i wanted....i made too much dinner and couldn't put it as leftovers for tomorrow...i ate it all instead....so 1750. fine. what can i do!? tomorrow's a new day....more veggies and stirfries to come....
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
i had both a protein bar (with some high fructose corn syrup!!!) and shake today. seems i'll have to not be so strict in order to be able to eat anything while outside my house! whatever...if i need to, in april, i'll limit more. but i cannot take any more limits on the foods i'm eating! lol.
breakfast: green drink 80
snacks: almonds throughout morning, planned. 360
lunch: olive oil, almonds, beans, diet sprite (no more diet coke....i think it started to stain my teeth!). 220 or so.
snackSSS: didn't need both. but enjoyed. 190 protein bar, 270 shake. total: 460.
total so far: 1120
dinner: tofu and eggplant w. olive oil: 350. with tons of stirfried veggies and spray oil...so more cals.
i doubt i'll be going to the gym. busy week. no need to make it any more stressful or busy. need to study. relax. not exercise. trust me. tomorrow i'll be exhausted from pushing patients' stretchers/being in the emergency room. but, it's my last day for awhile to be in the ER. sooo, i'm both excited for tomorrow and for Friday...since i will definitely be going to the gym on Friday. lol, it'll be 4 straight days off from the gym. but i have to. otherwise i'll just overwork myself and get sick.
Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!
I couldn't work in a medical facility.... I faint too easy! Even when I did work in pharmacy as a tech, I would get woozy at the sight of someone getting pain meds and being in any kind of pain..... Sympathetic nerves!
Have a good evening......
5 DARN WEEKS TILL THE WEDDING I NEED TO GO TO. AND WHAT HAVE I ACCOMPLISHED!? WELL, I DID STICK TO A LOW CARB DIET! TOO MANY CALORIES THOUGH...BUT ACTUALLY I DID GOOD EXCEPT FOR THE PAST 4 DAYS....SO, I AM ON THE RIGHT PATH THAT MEANS...I THINK.
WHO KNOWS. I KNOW THAT I PROBABLY CAN'T SUSTAIN MYSELF ON LOW CARB FOREVER. IT'S NOT LIKE I DON'T KNOW NUTRITION! I KNOW IT WELL.
I'M GETTING ANNOYED AND FRUSTRATED. AND TIRED. AND NO TIME FOR THE GYM BC I'D RATHER RELAX IN FRONT OF THE COMPUTER AND CONSERVE ENERGY TO STUDY.
I CANNOT WAIT TILL WE CAN STOP TAKING TESTS....FOR SUMMER! THEN, I HAVE JUST A YEAR LEFT OF SCHOOL....AND CLASSES ONLY TUES/THURS INSTEAD OF MON/WED/FRI....
I AM GETTING VERY FRUSTRATED WITH SCHOOL. WOULDN'T YOU? I'VE NEVER HAD A FULL YEAR AWAY FROM SCHOOL SINCE HIGH SCHOOL! AND I'M 27. SO, I'VE BEEN GOING TO SCHOOL SINCE HIGH SCHOOL FOR 10 YEARS STRAIGHT. UGH.
I'M IN A STUDY RUT! MY BRAIN IS SOOOO SICK OF STUDYING! IT'S LIKE A FOG THAT I CAN'T GET RID OF.
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so i took a 1/2 day and i was able to get a lot of errands out of the way that i've had to do for awhile...like mailing that second scholarship application that is finally all complete with all the parts i needed! :)
THANK GOD I TOOK A HALF DAY....BECAUSE THE PEOPLE I WOULD HAVE HAD TO WORK WITH IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM ARE HORRENDOUS. what do i mean?? they are not helpful...and are rude. i like almost everyone in the hospital, but this one guy (out of probably 20 xray techs) is one of the few that i cannot stand... lol. so i'm glad to spend a 1/2 day less with him this week!
now i can study/relax. i will prob not even go to the gym today. i have a lot to study and prepare for. this week is much busier with tests and stuff than last week for sure. like i said, we get 7 sick/personal days a year...and i'm taking them! we're only students. and if it's going to help me do better on tests so be it! i usually never actually get VERY sick so if i didn't take these days, they'd go to waste. gotta do what's best for ME!
breakfast/snacking: tofu 200
lunch/ PM Snacking: protein shakes (i know, i said i wouldn't!) 500, cabbage/avocado wrap 250, 8 ounce green drinks to drink throughout afternoon maybe 100 cal?, , chicken burger 150, cauliflower 50, NUTS 650 arg!... laxative tea....
dinner: another 600. so not a low cal day!...and more pecans 200
total cal: 2700. could be worse!
trying mostly drinks today, not much bulk/food. my stomach is about to burst after sat,sun, monday.
i hope you're all having a good day too.
oh, and i got 100% on my test...one wrong but got the bonus! :)
Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!
Also, I know you are frustrated with your eating and your stress level. I am reminded of the lovely Carolyn Kennedy. I remember how she had gained weight during college and law school (esp. law school). The press made a little fuss over her girth. But after she took the bar and settled into her career, she lost the weight, had a successful career and had a lovely family. So you may need to consider accepting the higher weight for now, just as a product of the demands of your education.
PS When my mom was in school to be a nurse, and worked as a registrar in the ER, she would concur about the rudeness of the ER staff. There was one doctor who was just horrible. He had no patience for incompetence, and most people he found incompetent. I think that's what made him such a good ER doctor. You have to have a certain demeanor to survive the ER environment. Try not to take such rudeness personally. Is it easy? NO. Is it painful? Possibly. Just get through it knowing that you won't have to be around them forever. Consider it a Zen experience, paths crossing in this lifetime.
Tuesday 2:32am edit:
so i cannot sleep yet again!!!! i have a test tomorrow morning. then i'm taking a 1/2 day to get some studying done. a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do. we get 7 sick/personal days per year and i intend to take them. i would rather take the full day but i don't want to have to make up a test. i think that i'm getting anxious about not going for the full day so now i can't sleep!
i used to be a person that would NEVER even think about taking a day. but i'm a student. and if it helps me do better on a test to come home and relax/study so i don't have to be up all night, then i'll take the day! plus...we can make them up. if we come in any holiday or vacation we can just make up the time. so far, i've taken one day and 2 hours off from school since September. But, i've already made up one day. :)
whatever, no use trying to reason it.
and my stomach is entirely way to outstretched from all the food i've been eating. not good. i feel so bloated and tired... but i'm sticking with this diet. i almost WANT to drink only liquids all day Tuesday to try to get unbloated...
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Monday entry:
950...
i think daylight savings time screwed me up today.
salad 50, 2 cucumberss 60, foods from health food store 300, 400, 300...1,000 cal of pecans and so far 600 cal of almonds. really want cake. (there is an entire loaf downstairs in the freezer)....
everyone was EXHAUSTED in class today. i wanted to take like a 1/2 day tomorrow...we have a test in the AM so taking a full day is OUT. ugh.
total: 3660...ugh...3800.
Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!
Good Tuesday!
(i admit i DID eat all of the following in one sitting, yes pretty filling indeed.)
tofu pizza (tofu that is flavored and seasoned to taste EXACTLY like a pizza) wow...600?,1/2 pound grilled eggplant: 300?,pound grilled cauliflower: 550?
(from health food store)
i plan to have around 2200 cal today. i would have liked lower but i blew calories on eating EVERYTHING i bought at once...was supposed to save the cauliflower to eat with dinner or lunch!)
plan for remainder of the day:
snacks: green drinks/green powders from food store: 210...and kombucha 260.
dinner: came home. new favorite method of cooking veggies: grilling. so i grilled tons of brussel sprouts/scallions which came out well and had a salad and an awesome chilli-lime flavored chicken burger 150...i'd say dinner is around 450 cal or so.
total cal: 2160. not the best, but not the worst.
exercise: one hour walk...along with some other activities throughout the day.
when i get home, a hot shower, studying, bed!
Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!
I've posted the entire plan on my diary.
Good Monday happy thoughts sent yer way!
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haha... you are so honest. "believe me, i'm not done" As for the feeling guilty thing... DON'T DO IT! I have spent my whole life being the perfectionist. Perfect grades, best at this, best at that, never missed work, never made a mistake.. it took me a long time to understand that I don't have to feel guilty about missing work. I don't have to feel guilty for not being perfect. You DO deserve it.. if you need "me time" or study time.. you deserve it. This is your life, and its the only one you have, you shouldn't have to spend the whole thing working and no fun... it should be fun with a little work. :).. lol. Thats my plan at least. jk... anyway, thanks for being so uplifting on my page, I appreciate it. This past weekend is the worst Ive had in a long time, and needed that positive energy from someone :).
grumpy on 03/17/2009:
You are very very brave and honest. I would have a hard time doing a count like that for myself and for others. And I can assure you pretty much everyone in this website had/has days like yours at times.
I am glad you went out and had fun too. As for the days off, arent you allowed your vacations days? And 3 times in 6 months is not bad at all, you should take more time off, even.
I am doing this cleanse. Ever tried one? I think it could work as a "shock treatment" to stop from bad habits and start off new and it did help me with cravings before. Just an idea. I know it's not for everyone. But you're young and healthy and maybe something like that could help you break the cycle.
Hugs!
CritterMom on 03/17/2009:
Try my diet (posted in my diary). It's low-glycemic, doctor-supervised...and it's working! No "cleansing" or shock treatment (other than giving up unhealthy foods).
Maria7 on 03/17/2009:
I'm so sorry you are going through this...but happy for you that you are persevering in your chosen profession by getting the schooling. Only thing I can think of is either tell yourself when you have these binges (like I know what to say about a food binge) that you can have them but the foods must be low-cal foods only...I know...doesn't usually work... or either, keep having the binges and putting on the weight while you are in school and then resolve that once you finish school, then you'll work on getting back to your goalweight??? It isn't easy to stay on track when you are under a lot of stress...BUT IT CAN BE DONE.
hollybelle on 03/18/2009:
Something you said above rang a bell with me- the wedding! I have had a special event that I wanted to look good for (i.e. lose some weight) and set that as a goal. Only to discover (after this happening about 100 times) that this is a TRIGGER for me. I need to eat as I usually do and just go and be myself. If I try to set a goal of losing weight for a special event - for some reason I sabatage myself EVERY time. Don't know if that rings any bells with you but thought I'd mention it. :o)
starfish on 03/18/2009:
((((((hugs))))))
loveray on 03/18/2009:
i hope that things are going better today and that you got some much needed rest. take care, relax and love your beautiful soul! xoxo
grumpy on 03/18/2009:
keep going on girl. you had plenty of great phases, so just go about it one day at a time. xoxo