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Horn_of_plenty - Sunday Nov 23, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 140.0

here's to a new me. come spring i will weigh at least 115 lbs again. it is not hard to do. all i have to do is eat right EVERY day (almost) and exercise. EASY as cake. I will be proud of myself in the end. then, i just need to keep it off. not hard. very doable. it'll feel GREAT. this is for myself. to look hot. again - and for the rest of my life.

i was talking to my grandma today about weight and all the issues. she mentioned a good point - that i am an adult now and i know what to do to lose the weight. so basically, she's saying do what you have to. lol, i know that already, but she made it clear that in a way its like an obligation to myself if that makes any sense.

i have only really gained the weight in the past year and a half. no reason why it isn't a GREAT time to lose it. I will lose this weight and it is one of my top priorities. I was watching a video earlier that practically documents much of my initial weight loss because it was for a class and filmed over a period of 3 months. so every ten minutes a slightly thinner person appeared lol.  it's hard to believe how much success i had.  and i kept the weight off for approx. 4 years. this is sad, that i let it go. so sad. but you live and you learn, right? 

i don't have a winter coat. and the ones in my house are actually too small. i'll have to go PUCHASE one tomorrow. with weight gain came buying new clothes. new clothes i'd rather not buy that i didn't even love wearing. i must lose this weight for me. i must.

i have a long ways to go. to get to even 130 lbs is just a bit under 10 lbs away. i do know that low carb, or extremely low carb, will NOT work for me. like i've said, not too much should be off limits. but the things i do choose should be usually healthy. this week i have a pizza party for thanksgiving. not really a weightloss food. i guess one slice should not kill me. i'll have that. and eat healthy for the remainder of the day.

i want to go back. be back in a thin body. i do not like what i've done to myself one bit.

i will go to the party because it is my duty to go. it really doesn't matter if i feel like it or not. not going just shows apathy or an attitude of indifference to those i work/go to school with. so, even if i feel like a disgusting fat pig, i'll be there. i plan to get a haircut and blow dry that day. nice hair should help.

as you can see, i don't think this is a breakdown, but i can't tell. what i do know is that this has gone tooooooo far. i know i can do this and i know i can even stay thin for the rest of my life. this has gone on WAY too long. way too long!

i need to make this promise with myself and actually keep it this time.  i am so pretty and i have let it all slide right past me. i am soooo worth it. i want to strut and show off what i have. why, at 26, not be looking the best i can. what the hell is wrong with me!? am i seriously that mental that i let school and other things impede my progress? can't i not stand and look proud with who i am? what am i doing to myself? what did i do to myself? why?



sunday entry:

breakfast: 2eggs, a pepper, some yogurt, green drink 440

snack: pepper, tuna w. bbq sauce: 180

another snack: 1/4 cup peanut butter 400


total so far: 1020. hmmm. my goal is 2,000 today - meaning don't surpass 2,000.

snack: bran crackers: 90 and tea :) i survived grandma's :)

snack before dinner: plum 50

dinner: salad, tofu, orange pepper, kombucha: 310 :)

total: 1450 :) sooooooo happy.



sat. night entry:

these are my calorie totals, each day of the week starting this past Monday:


t- 7000





i hardly exercised, so i will figure 1800 per day was what i needed. excess calories are: 14,900.  about 4.3 pounds! yes, that's right. so now i can say i weigh around 140. this is with bloating, so subtract a pound or two and thats my weight. HIGHEST weight in my life. i'm not really depressed more than angry at myself for CONSTANTLY going back and binging. it sooooo sooo old.  sorry guys, that i have been complaining soooooo much on here.

well, eating didn't help me do much. sat home all day today which was ok because my parents are out of town and it's nice having the house to myself. i am feeling better actually.

my only FEAR, and i will totally call it that, is the christmas party i MUST attend as its the only right thing to do. it's dec. 11 and i am upset that i have gained and NOT lost weight for it. it will be filled with everyone from the radiology department at the hospital where i go to school. so, lots of doctors and people in fancy dresses. I DIDN'T want to buy a dress. i really, really don't. :(  I am not happy to buy a dress that is such a large size and have to be around all of these fancy, important people. it is stressing me to the core, actually.  it is not mandatory we go but i DON'T want to be seen as an outcast.

i will continue to ask this to everyone on here so i can get some answers. should i definitely go to the party (believe me, i know i'd have a good time but i'm not happy at ALL at how i will look...) i am very serious. i've been looking at pics of myself from 2 years ago and i have gained so much weight since then. in the past year, i have gained 30 lbs. i really don't want to buy the dress....i don't think i'm going to go. i really don't want to. it is major stress to get the dress. sorry it all sounds dumb but it'll all be forgotten soon after, hopefully. i just really don't want to go. it'll be like a weight lifted off my shoulders. if i go, i feel like i will have to diet like crazy, which will not work...etc. i just really don't want to go. but i do know how it is and how to be social i should go. BUT, most people there i do not really associate with and i do have 1.5 years left of this program. is it wrong to just know in my mind i will go next year?

if you guys think that i am out of line and i have to go, just say it.

but just understand that preparing to go will STRESS me to the core. i'd rather just be more relaxed and when we have a party in class enjoy the pizza and not have to worry about this christmas party on 12/11.  then, i can just focus on weight loss generally. i'm telling you, i totally don't want to go. i have always said yes to EVERYTHING. and i don't think its wrong that i'm not going. :( but it's making me sad. and if i'm the only one not going?? then i really have no choice. i guess i will have to see on monday if anyone else is NOT going. if everyone's going, i have to go!!! so angry about this!

Progress as of today: -15 lbs lost so far, only 25 lbs to go!

Donkey on 11/23/2008:
I do apologize if my comment offended you. My point was that I don't think you should put that pressure on yourself to go the party if your heart isn't in it. I mean, what if you had the flu, right? You probably wouldn't go then, and nobody would think twice. Then again, I am an introvert, and sometimes I need a push out the door too. So I'm not sure what the answer is. I do think you're under enough stress as it is. Please be kind to yourself. (((HUGS)))

loveray on 11/23/2008:
thanks so much ;) hope you had a great remainder of the weekend.

grumpy on 11/23/2008:
hey girl, i think you always have to think of yourself first, i would say deal with it, go and have a good time, but i don't know how much this is a conflict for you, so if it's a better and healthier decision for YOU, maybe pass on it. Not to be an outcast tell them you have something else to attend and wish you could go. On another and more important issue, though, is that when i feel like i am losing control i get the help i need in the way. so maybe it's that point for you? i would say anything from WW, an 'eaters' therapy group, to therapy. whatever you think will help you. i wish you luck and am here for you. xo

skinnyjeans on 11/23/2008:
I think it's fine if you don't go. Plan a night out with your girlfriends that night and tell the people throwing the party that you have a family obligation. :)

thinnside40 on 11/23/2008:
Yes!... We all have to realize that what we do is always a "choice"... We choose everyday in everyway... Whether it is to do or not do something.. bad/good, healthy/unhealthy, positive/negative, helpful/impeeding, llogical/illogical, smart/stupid.... Just to realize that so much we hold in our very own hands, but yet feel helpless is an empty feeling I know..... Your ideas are great ones and I hope that you can get a grip on what it is you TRULY want to succeed at and that is "the best you" that you can be.... But, not with the self-pressure to be perfect in the same token...

"26" is a great age.... Enjoy it!

selina on 11/24/2008:
Hi HoP, I am so sorry you are going through so much... Warm hugs to you.

grumpy on 11/24/2008:
Here's to a new you! I am proud of hearing your attitude in this entry. Go to the party and don't even think about it there. Have a good time and you'll feel much better. xoxo

Horn_of_plenty - Saturday Nov 22, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 133.0

breakfast: mixed cereals/milk: 600, muffin w. tons pb: 500, popcorn 250, drink: 90. TOTAL: 1440.

snack: 180

lunch bag of microwave fries and some dried cranberries: , grapefruit 880

total: 2500...

Progress as of today: -8 lbs lost so far, only 18 lbs to go!

loveray on 11/22/2008:
i hope your day gets better and better! sending my love from down south. xoxo

thinnside40 on 11/22/2008:
I am going for a walk sometime here in a bit.... I am walking with you on my mind and heart, praying for releif from whatever is binding you these days.....

Take Care Horn!

Horn_of_plenty - Friday Nov 21, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 133.0

this week has been one big eating fest for sure!

breakfast: 400

lunch: 400

happy hr: 2 glasses of wine: 300???

snacks galore at home: ugh. 200, 800, 50, 250...pint of ben and jerry's..1200...400 muffin:

calories : 4,000

Progress as of today: -8 lbs lost so far, only 18 lbs to go!

selina on 11/22/2008:
Hi Hop! Sounds like school is really stressing you out, I am afraid. Take care of yourself. Remember that you can still get pleasure from yoga and your walks and they help you offset your food intake. Sometimes it's almost impossible, but try to get moving when you feel like overeating.

Horn_of_plenty - Thursday Nov 20, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 133.0

breakfast 1350.

lunch: 200

snack/dinner binge: 20, 240, 400, 20, 600, 200, 600, 400.

...more snacking...will have to check i didn't leave anything out...4500.

sorry for the lack of commenting recently...

Progress as of today: -8 lbs lost so far, only 18 lbs to go!

skinnyjeans on 11/21/2008:
You will get back on track soon...we're here for support! Hope you're having a great Friday!

Horn_of_plenty - Wednesday Nov 19, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 133.0


total calories: 3200. on a 1-10 scale, i rate this day a 2 with 1 being worst, 10 best. I must think more positively about everything. there is NO reason that 26 yr old female such as myself should be having such a hard time with everything.


i thought i was going to do better but did give in a bit today. no yoga because i am just plain exhausted. i went to bed really late bc of studying/and binge procrastinating.

today: breakfast: stomach was full but body hungry. 200 cal peanut butter.

snack: part of an apple 40

lunch: dried fruit/nut mix small package 270

snack: protein bar, green drink 310

another snack: 2 red peppers80, tea....sleeve of ritz 600, cereal w. almond milk: 450, choc. raisins: 230.

total: 2180ice cream....2800.

lots of water today. my calves are bloated and hard as rocks with the fluid they are retaining. so bad. because of binging.


Progress as of today: -8 lbs lost so far, only 18 lbs to go!

loveray on 11/19/2008:
looks like a better day. i am so sorry that school is stressing you out so much! i wish there was something i could do or say to help. take care of yourself my love

skinnyjeans on 11/20/2008:
I hope you are having a great Thursday, HOP! :)

Horn_of_plenty - Tuesday Nov 18, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 133.0

i did none of which i said i would. binged like CRAZY. multiple foods at multiple fast food places. something in the 7,000 or more cal. today.  you'd be sick reading what i ate, trust me. obviously no yoga. i'm having trouble yet again. i can tell you why. i procrastinated studying for an exam tomorrow. we voted in class yesterday that we should have two tests in a certain class this week instead of one. and i'm having a difficult time memorizing everything in just 1.5 days. it's just about 100 terms for diseases/structures of the cadiovascular system. they all sound the same and are difficult to remember. i obviously voted to have ONE test on FRIDAY! not tomorrow and friday! and, the people that voted for TWO tests are the students that get the LOWER grades in class. eh, i should have not acted like i did today.

i'm having trouble right now. and all the binging i did will surely not help me tomorrow or any other day.

(assortment of foods (several selections from each place!): mcdonalds, pizza hut, taco bell, baskin robbins/dunkin donuts. subway during lunch. and a muffin midmorning. i feel soooooooooooooo sick. and it's my own fault!) :(

i'm a bit sad and sorry that i cannot report better things right now.

Progress as of today: -8 lbs lost so far, only 18 lbs to go!

Donkey on 11/18/2008:
Donkey still loves you. Look at it this way, if you were sick from the flu and had to take these tests, would you feel any different about the situation? You need to take care of yourself... (((hugs)))

belly on 11/18/2008:
My Lord, I haven't been on this site in ages, and you're still here. Something about familiar folks is reassuring. (I regained 25 lbs this year-so ticked)

As far as your binge, don't worry, it happens to the best of us. And maybe keep your studying in mind to help deter you next time. All that junk surely makes you sluggish and not thinking clearly. I know all about cravings and binges, but try to learn from each one and how you can substitute, or tell yourself, to stop even halfway. Good luck tomorrow. As Chicken Little says, "tomorrow is a new day!" (sorry, my kid watches that movie over and over, so I know the script)

Jen40 on 11/19/2008:
OMGosh I can't imagine the stress! I guess that's why after h.s I wasn't a student? lol College is in my future someday, but I know it will be super stressful and I'm not looking forward to that part. Hang in there!

Horn_of_plenty - Tuesday Nov 18, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 133.0

today is a new day but i cannot forget my stupidity yesterday. 4500 calories, almost 4,000 all at once.  i didn't sleep well because of it and i am very bloated. my hands are swollen. everything is. today is an important day and i will probably be sweating all day. just like an alcoholic, my body works hard to process all the food and i end of sweating from just a little amount of movement.  i don't need you guys to give me kind thoughts on how to make it through - you've done all that. i know what to do. YOGA works. i should have went yesterday, even though i wasn't in the mood. because after yoga, i always feel better. i can't believe i made such an illogical choice to stuff my face.

so, i have to write it again. 4500 calories yesterday.


today: breakfast: green drink,apple

snack: apple




dinner: salad,tofu.

Progress as of today: -8 lbs lost so far, only 18 lbs to go!

WI3 on 11/18/2008:
Just wanted to stop by and wish you a happy Tuesday! Keep moving with a forward motion. If we get caught up in yesterday, we never see today and we never realize the future.

Hang tough! And go to YOGA! =)

loveray on 11/18/2008:
yoga is the key!! good for you for noticing what works. i know you will get through this day with flying colors!

thinnside40 on 11/18/2008:
I'll sweat with you!.... When I get on the Gazelle/Treadmill....

Have a good day my friend!

grumpy on 11/18/2008:
I love how you deal with it though, girl. I am right there with you, i know how the workouts help me and are perfect antidote for a bad day foodwise or emotionally, but i still drag myself or dont go at all at times. gee... love u!

skinnyjeans on 11/18/2008:
Good luck today...you can easily get back on track. Get some yoga in, then you will feel great again! :)

Horn_of_plenty - Monday Nov 17, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 133.0

ohhhh. wow did i mess up and continue to do so into the night when i saw my dad brought home a cake. i had some pumpkin/nut bread thing around 8:30pm and actually spit out the last bite because it simply wouldn't fit in my stomach. the stupidity of it all! i will say 400 more calories.

today was 4500 wasted stupid calories. i could have had 1500 and would have been just as happy - if not happier. dumb movie, jackie. try again tomorrow. let's see how long i can go without binging!


the teacher brought in some brownie/pumpkin cakes. i didn't want to have bc they really did NOT look too good. believe me. so i didn't. but the stress of the day caused me to binge once i got home! and i should have went to yoga. even though tomorrow i will feel fat and bloated, i will go to yoga. i promise. it'll be hard, but i'll do it.



i will now look back and see how many days i went without binging. i was actually feeling thinner and better, until this evening after binging. 4150 cal today. approx. it'll take two days to even that out, at least.

 nov. 4 @ 4500 calories was the last time i had a wreckless devasating binge before this evening's binge. today is the 17th. so, it was 13 days ago. almost two weeks. wow. must do better, right? i can't even go 2 weeks without binging?


not a good day by any means. i was not having a good day emotionally. not actually sure why. it could be lack of sleep.  in class, we were mostly doing things that were too easy or that i didn't know (along with the entire class) we would be doing so i wasn't really prepared. feeling nasty today and coming home was a binge.

bran/smoked thai flavored tofu: 240

snack: coffee,tea,apple: 140

lunch: tea w. milk, flavored oatmeal (horrible lunch!) 220

snack, leading into binge: lg apple150..........a small piece of salmon from last night's leftovers: around 250??....acorn squash 80, yogurt: 120, pb400, ice cream500, flav. yogurt 170, almond milk50, bad tasting choc30, choc. raisins 230, sleeve of ritz500...tortolleni/ravioli:600...total:3080...more chocolate, cookies: 4150...CAKE. 4500.


Progress as of today: -8 lbs lost so far, only 18 lbs to go!

loveray on 11/17/2008:
aww man. what happened love?? xoxo

skinnyjeans on 11/17/2008:
Just get back on track tomorrow...soon today will be history and you can look forward! Also, you didn't binge for 13 days in a row which is fantastic!

thinnside40 on 11/17/2008:
I had a horrible day last week, cause of the Pre-munchies!..... I will wish for you a better tomorrow and each day from there to get somewhat better....

Get some good rest tonight!

Horn_of_plenty - Sunday Nov 16, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 133.0

late night snack: small plum and an egg. still a good day, although i should have went to sleep and not eaten!

total cal: 1610.



I had a lot of salt today, pretty much the uppermost allowance of it, but otherwise i consider today a success.

snacks at grandma's: fruits 120 and later a microwavable popcorn that i brought because it lasts awhile and if i have it with water it can be filling!. 250, no tea. not sure if i will ever have tea there haha. it's too hot without the tea! :) total 370

snack on way home: wheatgrass ounce 10

dinner: LARGE salad. 1 massive red pepper 100, two small yellow peppers60, 4 small cooked brussel sprouts from my mom20, spinach20, serving of thai style baked tofu 180.  satisfying. total: 380. yum.

total for today: 1490. all things considered, a day that i am very proud of. continued success is what i look foward to.


so i stepped on the scale this morning and to my dismay it was back around 135! yuck. maybe it's from the salt yesterday. I had a lot between the veggie burgers and mexican dinner. still, i would have liked if it said 132. i guess i'll have to wait. i soooo want to binge on bread and pb right now but that will just push off my progress, right? so i won't. and in the back of my head i know that binging is just not healthy and shouldn't do it no matter what i wait. easier said than done.

breakfast: bran crackers 60 that i put into almond milk45, 1/2 block tofu175, tea. total: 280.

snack: packet of a "blue lightening packet" and another one later after yoga. 50.

lunch: LARGE iced coffee, dunkin donuts egg sandwich. 400.

snack: TEA TEA TEA TEA. did i mention tea? this is what i will have if i feel the need for food at grandma's house. this is all i will have. no cookies or treats today. none. alright...and a piece of fruit if i need it.

Progress as of today: -8 lbs lost so far, only 18 lbs to go!

Jen40 on 11/16/2008:
Tea! More tea! lol Have a wonderful day!

skinnyjeans on 11/16/2008:
Yep...salt will do it. Drink some cranberry juice and a bunch of water today and re-weigh tomorrow. :)

WI3 on 11/16/2008:
Chocolate is a trigger food for me. If I have any in the house, I will eat it all in one day. No lie. I try not to have it in the house, and if I do, it is a single candy bar or something. Heavy toll it takes on the calories allowed in one day, but less likely to binge when it isn't here. I don't really like to go out of the house looking for food lol. Hope you had a great time at grandmas!

grumpy on 11/16/2008:
Good luck at Grandma's house, those can be hard! I love it that you stopped yourself from binging when you felt like it. My goal now is to cut sugars and simple carbs, so I stop craving unhealthy foods. :) xo

grumpy on 11/16/2008:
I saw Synecdoche, New York, and you?

loveray on 11/16/2008:
looks like you are really tuning into the binge cycle!! good for you. presentations are given to the students who are also in yoga teacher training with me. a very loving, but hard audience to please!! it was a success and i am done. yay! xo

kzirkle on 11/16/2008:
TEA! lol :)

selina on 11/17/2008:
Hi HoP! Glad you had a great weekend! You are so sweet to visit grandma so often. Have a great week...

thinnside40 on 11/17/2008:
Have a wonderful Monday!....

Horn_of_plenty - Saturday Nov 15, 2008
(count calories/exercise/relaxing thoughts!)
Weight: 133.0

lol. so dinner wasn't healthy really. not the greatest. it was a mexican salad with nachos and cheese on the bottom. some grilled shrimp (which were HORRIBLE!) and some great guacamole and salsa, black beens. overall it had it's healthy elements but it was high calorie. i have no idea how much but i can only guesstimate. i chose it over a boring salad and now i will not binge tonight! so all is good actually.

total calories today: around 2000. :) happy about this because i did not binge.




woke up a bit too early i think. it was before 7am. but i feel alright. pretty rested.

breakfast: bran cracker, pb, some green drink, almond milk, tea. 200.

yoga. green packet in my water during yoga. 25

lunch: way overboard but generally healthy. i took a lot of food so that I WOULDN'T go back for more!  steamed vegetables 80, two morningstar veggie burgers220, 1/2 pack tofu175, 1/2 cup cranberries30. everything mixed together. kombucha60. total: around 575

movie before dinner

total cal before dinner: 800. pretty good. calories will remain in a healthy range today.

dinner out. something tasty but different.


Progress as of today: -8 lbs lost so far, only 18 lbs to go!

loveray on 11/15/2008:
it sounds like you are hitting it on the mark these days! yes, 2 presentations at the studio for my training. another big one tomorrow, so send good juju. hope you had a wonderful evening out! xoxo

thinnside40 on 11/15/2008:

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