I CANNOT DEAL WITH ANYONE IN THIS HOUSE. MY PARENTS ARE DRIVING ME TOTALLY CRAZY. MY MOM IS A COMPLETE B>>>>. SHE IS FRUSTRATING ME TO PIECES. SHE COMPLAINS TO MY DAD ABOUT ME> AND EVERYONE GANGS UP ON ME WHEN MY SISTER COMES HOME.
I CANNOT TAKE IT.
i can hardly type this i am soooooooo pissed...........;.!! Q
i am so angry. you have no idea. my freakin parents think that i lie at every point that i can. i cannot deal i cannot deal i cannot deal.;asldd
my sister and i got earrings for our birthdays. i want to throw mine out. i literally put them in the garbage. however, i'm taking them out now and giving them straight back to my mother. i don't want ANYTHING from this woman. no gifts. every again. she is suuuuch a terrible person.
i am not looking back at this moment, but thank you to the person who said to me not to expect favors when i ask. i cannot believe i could have FORGOTTEN that my sister DOESN'T do favors for me. never has and never will! why am i so stupid as to think she would this time around! why!?!?? how could i forget that!? and how could it also slip my mind that my mom is a judgemental incredibly negative ...... you insert whatever terms sound good there. and my dad, he's good and all, but boy is he sadistic. to think that i would intentionally lie and clean up my room and then leave another room a mess. i would never be soooo incredibly deceitful. long story. i won't even go into it. but if a person always thinks the negative of every situation, that's just incredibly not helpful at home.
i cannot take it. my mom LOVES to get my dad angry with him. she hounds him. and i can't take it.
i wrote out a 300 dollar check and put it with the earrings i got for my bday on my mom's dresser. i cannot look at them. and they were sitting in my garbage 5 minutes ago. to me, they are worth NOTHING. there is nothing i want from a person who does not love me for me. i canoot take this anymore. i am stressed beyond belief. and to top it all off, with a little vanity, my face is all broken out. i was embarassed at today's funeral looking how i do. i am sooooooooooooo sad, so angry, so upset. i have a horrible mother who i do not love. she is tooo judgemental.
after the funeral she had to repeat and reiterate a thousdand times how this freshman in college who did most of the family's speaking at the funeral was " so vain" because he discussed his looks and how he wondered why he was so good looking - bc of his grandfather. to me it was almost funny because he's still so young so maybe that's what a guy his age thinks about. i don't know....but i can say that it was great that he did talk on his grandfather's behalf. not everyone is smart like you - mom - and can write an awesome speech. BUT, at least these people attended their parents funerals, unlike you, mom! that's right, mom. you don't even associate with ONE person from your side of the family. you are the loser. and nobody else. you are the one that shuns people out. you are the one that sets the example of not communitcating with me or anyone else. you are the one that doesn't give an ounce of your time when people ask it of you. you are that person. you are the one that should be critiqued and judged and made to feel like shi-. that person is you.
i feel like crap.
if i last till friday, that'll be amazing. i think i'll be a zombie at my friend's wedding on saturday if i keep going to sleep late this week. as if last week wasn't enough.
Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
breakfast 1/2 banana w. pb: 240
snack/early lunch: kiwi, 2 eggs on slice wheat...and a banana 420 (banana wasn't necessary)
late snack: healthy stuff...500 approx.
dinner: package veggies, 1/4big avocado, 1/2 block tofu, red pepper approx. 420
dessert: greek yogurt with sf jelly and cinnamon. 120
total: 1700 pretty good.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Late saturday evening:
i'm really upset now.
i cannot stand living here right now especially tonight as my sister is sleeping over. i got a movie (at first for me) but then realized everyone was home so i mentioned that i rented a movie to my dad whenn i got home. and pretty much let my parents and sister do their thing because i had already eaten dinner. i didn't mention it again bc it seemed my parents were doing their own stuff after dinner.
i asked my sister to simply "test me" on some of my flashcards that i know well for a test next week and she said "no." i got really pissed because i didn't think she would actually deny me that favor.
my dad has explained to me that i am totally wrong and that i shouldn't expect people to always say yes when i ask a favor of them. so, i am in the wrong.
i thought that especially since i picked up the movie, my sister wouldn't have a problem going over the words with me. but she very much did.
and, even though i flat out told my dad i got a movie, he says i didn't tell my parents and i only do what i want to do when i want to do it.
i am fat, pissed off, and angry.
i want to know if you have advice for me on this. and if it is true that i should not expect favors of anyone even if i ask them. bc i may just not be seeing things the right way and if that's the case i need to know so that i don't make the same mistake again.
i am confused right now and annoyed. and i really don't want to watch a movie with people who tell me i am wrong.
and, lastly, my mom right away took the side of my sister. my sister ran down to my mom and once i stepped in the room, i was being told how irrational i am. I really do NOT appreciate the asshol- commentary that my mom gives me on a daily basis. i serisouly do not like how she treats me. i am sick of it. and now is one of those times when i hate living at home. i hate the temptations to be lazy, the extra unhealthy food, the annoying mother, and everything else.
if this entry sounds immature, i maybe so.
i really don't know anymore.
i have dealt with change for this will be my 5th year in a row and all these changes (especially getting used to working in the hospital) are driving me crazy. it is very hard for me to get acclimated with this xray job (although i realize it's NOT a hard job) and i am as frustrated about practically everything in my life as can be.
Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
I have to say, right or wrong, rational or otherwise, I have learned from similar experiences and reactions NOT to expect ANYTHING supportive from family members. It just leads to hurt and disappointment on my part, which is only toxic to my state of well-being.
So I'm NOT commenting on your reaction, because I do not know how pissed off you were, what was said, etc. But I would rather comment and say that you were probably in the wrong in EXPECTING anything positive from your sister. She seems, from what I gather from past entries, to be the oil to your water. So why should this time be any different? Right?
I want to encourage you to reach within yourself to find some inner strength. You are in or at an incredibly stressful time in your life: new direction in life, new classes, different type of work, toxic home environment, not optimal physical health. Bingeing will not serve you well to build up your health (both mental and physical), so I want to encourage you to FIGHT to stay away from that kind of behavior.
I would encourage you to find some kind of sanctuary, whether it be your room or a cafe or a place outside (although not good for night or cold weather), where you can go and feel safe, on your own, relaxed, decompressed, etc. A haven. You may not have your own place to live right now (which I still feel would be the ideal situation for you), but you can have your own *space* where you can go when all this toxic stuff in your life hits you in the face!
Maybe at the beginning of the week ask your family if you can bring home a movie and some popcorn and have a family movie night. Tell them that because it is your weekend, that you would like to schedule some time with them to reconnect. That way YOUR time is defined as YOUR time. Say that you would like to take a break from studying or work or whatever...not just "Hey, I'll pick up a movie on Friday" simply because you all live in the same house. Despite the fact that you all do live together, that doesn't mean that you can't have your own identity. Sometimes though, you have to help define that identity by establishing parameters of your time.
And yes, you CAN ignore your sister. She obviously doesn't think she needs you around..so ignore her. Say "Hi" or "bye" or whatever, but don't seek her out. Not because you aren't punishing her..but because YOU don't deserve to be treated the way she treats you. Let HER come to YOU if she wants to establish time together. Be mysterious with your time, be polite, be helpful, do the things that you need to do at home..but don't hang on them or expect them to accept you. The best way to get others to accept you is for you to accept yourself.
And by all means, GET PISSED OFF!!! There is nothing wrong with being angry and letting it out. It is better than eating that anger any day. Hang in there!
I agree that it's good not to expect a lot from others, but i like having faith in people and expect favors and understanding from them. but of course you have to deserve it too (which does seem to me you do). xoxox
around 3500 today.
so i have a funeral to go to tomorrow which means no yoga. and i've chosen not to go to yoga today. I need to study now because i don't want to do it tomorrow, last minute. i'll probably walk before noon - maybe. otherwise, i'll go to grandma and walk with her and go to the gym tonight. no clothes for temple. not buying any. last time i bought them, i returned them after my grandfather's funeral bc there eneded up being damage to the shirt and the store actually took it back. oh well. whatever.
this funeral is for a parent of one of my mom's friends. my mom is in her 50s and all of the parents of my mom's friends are very old.
breakfast: good. challah, banana, pb: 550
snack/too much: chocolate chip pound cake and peach: 700
11:45 lunch: more cake 600
lunch again with family: huge bagel and whitefish spread: 600
total so far: 2450.
dinner: i should stick with salad and tofu.
movie tonight.
i recently watch a good movie: one hour photo with robin williams.
____________________________________________________
Friday evening:
i am scared about this new field i am in. i know i am VERY capable and that i really shouldn't worry. it's hard not having money. but all of this will eventually settle out. but this sucks right now, especially not being able to move out and become an adult. i feel very needy because of this and life is a bit confusing. tomorrow is another new day and all i can do is look on the positive. no yoga bc that will just frustrate me so i'll either walk a long walk or go to the gym. i have a wedding next week...haha, i thought i would look great. now my goal is to look good (and care about my body and health) and have it show come mid december. i know weight loss isn't the cure for my emotions but if i start caring it'll help with everything else going on in my life. time to care a bit more, again, another attempt. hopefully a better one. i forget what my stomach looks like UNBLOATED as it's been this way for over two weeks...
_________________________________________________
before leaving work calories: 1100
DD egg white flatbread: 300
mcdonald's med fries:400
taco bell crunchwrap: 600
DD oatmeal cookie: 500
pound cakes, chocolate, pretzels, challah bread: not a clue, but a lot! 1,600 at least
4500-5000 calories depending.
3 mi walk.
Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
http://www.experience.com/corp/press_release?id=press_release_1155590079977&channel_id=about_us&page_id=media_coverage_news&tab=cn1
i will still take a walk later tonight...
binged after work...dumb!!!
breakfast: 320 banana, pb, tofu,sandwich.
snack: pb sandwich 300
lunch: indian microwavable food, fruit: 510
snack(s): 2 ounces wheatgrass 20, gnu fiber bar130, peach50, cereal and milk300, cookies200: 700 ....
estimations on calories: 2 chocolate and mini m&m covered pretzels 400, nuts 200, challah (1/4 loaf)600, apple crisp 400, ravioli w. cheese310, banana110...2020 (hopefully not more as it definitely could have been more...)
ehh. 4,000 calories today. dumb and dumber. i forgot the pound cake: 4400
Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
I don't think it's "dumb" to binge. Obviously something's bothering you, stress, uncertainty, boredom, whatever it may be. please be kind to yourself. And patient. And forgiving.
1,000 cal up until dinner. dinner was good but a little large...good anyway.
dinner: salad with some dressing, microwavable eggplant parm, plum, dessert of cereal and milk, kombucha. not more than 750 i think.
total: AROUND 1750. ALRIGHT. at least i had dinner kinda early. no exercise, it's gonna rain and i don't want to go on the treadmill or to the gym. throat is a bit strange. but i never get REALLY sick unless i let myself get VERY run down. time to get more sleep. need to catch up on sleep...badly!
goodnight...i will comment later this week as i am exhausted.
Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
haha, good day today and it will remain so. finally. gotta get this act together since my scrubs are becoming tighter! and scrubs should NOT be tight!
anyways...
breakfast: bread, pb, 1/2 banana: 240
snack: apple very small 60
lunch: 250 salad/chicken good stuff
snack: mcdonald's parfait: around 250
dinner: chicken, veggies, and stuff like that. dinner with parents. can't imagine more than 500-600 i'm setting this high just in case.
total: around 1300-1400.
might take a walk after dinner. a short one!
Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
Do it again.... YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
bogus. let me tell you.
good eating until 7:45 after i walked and had dinner. it went downhill, royally. i'm still working on getting the right mindset to do what i have to so i can get back to a lower weight.
working on it.
binged big time means probably around 4,000 and hopefully no more calories.
Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
Loveray asked a good question. I find that evenings can be disastrous; when I am tired and hungry I tend to overeat or binge the most. Often times I tell myself I'm just going in to get a "snack" and then the dam breaks. Suddenly I become Zombie girl raiding the pantry, completely unsatisfied and unstoppable! I have made a goal for myself that took some time to catch on, but seems to be helping for now (most days) -- I try to stay completely out of the kitchen/pantry after 5 or 6. If you eat a good meal at about 5 before you are starving and then commit to staying away after that (make some tea ahead of time to sip on the rest of the evening), then it may help control the munchies that turn into a binge. On the other hand, restrictions/rules/obsessing can often lead to binging as well, so you would have to feel that out.
edit: give in. i guess i am just not scared enough about the health conditions that come with overeating. although i should be, for sure.
so, imagine all your favorite fast food restaurants, and all your favorite fast foods. i had them all. drove to several places and orderred several things. total binging.
total calories: around 6,000. not important to look up. i binged. what else is new??
______________________________________________
breakfast: peanut butter sandwich, almond milk, 1/2 egg, chocolate covered pretzels, coconut/chocolate: 880
snack: fresh veg juice: maybe 80?
lunch: protein shake...and some fruit??
visiting grandma later sunday afternoon.
and probably tv/movie at night.
oh, and i need to study.
Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
Anyways, looks like you have good plans for tomorrow... Good Luck!
Have a super day and enjoy your grandma visit
Not knowing exactly what you are going through, I can't really speak for you. But for me, I place undue stress on myself because I feel like I have to be perfect on the outside for everyone..either so that they have confidence in me, like me, don't leave me, or so that they just plain leave me alone. So sometimes I find myself putting on that perfection mask..and those are the days when I binge. In private.
And I know sometimes coming on this website and reading all the foods everyone has eaten, and all the desserts they've passed on...it makes me start thinking about food lol. And I noticed at the gym yesterday, that I had to look away from the televisions when food commercials were on. Something inside me triggers the need to feed when I am frustrated with my life. And right now, I am very frustrated. Bills, relationships, work, all of that good stuff.
I am honestly thinking about going to Overeaters Anonymous, they have a meeting on sunday evenings at the hospital. And I may follow that up with attending a TOPS meeting once per week. I am still trying to figure it all out in my own head..but the one thing I do know....I am not happy being the weight I am. Especially when I know I don't have to be...there is just something I need to find out about myself and I think I need some help finding it. Good luck to you.
Anyway, I just want to let you know that you are facing a very serious struggle that thousands of other people have faced/are facing. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I really think you are at a point where you need to consider getting outside help. I don't want you to think that I doubt your character or strength, but I only suggest this because, as someone who also "binges," (a term that I've noticed is somewhat loosely used around here, and each person seems to have her own definition...), I know how devastating and empty and alone and dark and horrific that feeling is (often the "before, during, and after"). It is the absolute worst, and a cycle that feels extremely dominative and endless. Therapy - whether it is in a facility with other people who also face eating disorders, or a personal therapist (a good one) - can help break the cycle, and help you realize other underlying issues that are a part of you, that you possibly mask with these food issues (something I did/do as well). I realized that it wasn't even the physical symptoms (that some DD's have mentioned) that are so severe, but actually the mental effects that became/become extremely dangerous.
On a brighter note, my husband, who was compassionate enough to read up on eating disorders when I was facing some of my most difficult times, reassured me that "this will all pass." I know he didn't know for sure... and there are absolutely those cases that end tragically; however, MOST DO NOT! This is an unfortunate obstacle, that you can/will overcome! Please don't be afraid to ask for help... it probably will be the most freeing thing you do, and you may come out of it understanding a lot more about yourself.
I have to admit, I am surprised at the passiveness of many of the other Diet Diary comments, but I try to excuse it as simply the fact that people just *cannot* comprehend this struggle (or distinguish the difference between *overeating* and *binging* - two completely different things by definition). Also the "!!!!!" comment above was somewhat uncalled for. It is understandable to not be able to fully understand how someone feels/acts, or why someone is behaving in a way, but certain comments may indirectly cause more feelings of isolation -- Careful!
Life is full of obstacles; none of us can completely understand another's. I don't pretend to understand yours because I know each of us experiences things in our own way. Sometimes we force ourselves to extremities, but perhaps it is also within these cases that we gain the most strength, and the most light. You will get through this! As I mentioned before (and you probably know, but may forget at times) you are not alone! ooo Jenny
saturday morning entry: binge for breakfast: 2750 cal.
700 calorie early dinner. snack foods. nothing too healthy.
3450.
later dinner: ounce wheatgrass, green drink. around 150 i think.
total: 3600. the end.
exercise: on my ass the whole day and 30 minutes/weights at the gym. did write a 10 page term paper today on breast cancer. good stuff - the paper, that is.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
friday afternoon edit:
breakfast: apple, peanut butter: 200
snack: small apple 70
lunch: salad, beans, egg: 220 or so
snack: mcdonalds parfait and kombucha and that's it!!! 260
dinner: carrot chips, big smoothie with cookie dough protein powder, unsweetened almond milk, banana. bit high in calories but nothing terrible 425
total cal today: 1175. sounds about right. no exercise.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
friday morning edit:
last night was complete with vomiting around 4am-5am because i woke up so nauseaus since i was WAY too full for even my own stomach to handle it. haven't had this situation in about a year and i definitely don't want to face it again. defiitely can't be good for my organs...especially in terms of cancer of the esophagous from the vomiting. i MUST try harder.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
thursday late night edit: being so full, i'm going to bed after midnight. i'm stuffed. definitely around 135 lbs by now.
if there's a good reason to lose weight, it would be so my ankle has less pressure on it at work. the excess weight is actually hurting me!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
parents not home, very tired...took it out on food:
4000 calories today. loser! could have done better, obviously.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
breakfast: pb, bread, 1/2 banana. i like this breakfast!! :) and almond milk: 340
snack: very small apple: 50
lunch: subway veggie patty 6 inch. this actually has more calories than most sandwiches there. i took out some of the inside of the bread.around 360
snack: fiber bar (i need it, i'm so bloated from binging so often last week), shot of wheatgrass from a health food store, kombucha. 250
1000 calories so far.
dinner: 1,000...1300
total: 2500
was on my feet all day and my left weak ankle hurts. no gym tonight. gotta improve my strength this year!!!
Progress as of today: -5 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!
And what was it that you took out on food...Food doesn't have feelings!!! But, you do and look what it makes you feel like when you are done binging one given day.....
I am serious about a Dr. visit too for a physical... You may just have some kind of inbalance hormonally or otherwise... I may be way off base, but just trying to help you out the best I know how to and hate to see you frustered so much....
Anyway, it is an elvis behind me in the pic. That's hollywood to you. Ha. And yea, i can see the weight loss on these pics too, even though these last ones i posted are not the most flattering ones I have. :)
had an egg after my dinner smoothie: total cal are 1360.
if there is one thing i can be thankful for, it is for you guys right now. thanks for leaving me positive, helpful, thoughts and suggestions. they all help. and no, i will NEVER get offended. EVERYTHING is so helpful when i have days like yesterday. so thank you!
basically i'm starting fresh today and trying to work towards a healthier approach in general. again. but never giving up is the trick so i'm ready to start. I turned 26 this month and 26 will be a GOOD year. it's not too late to look the way I WANT TO. maybe it's too late by the wedding i have in 2.5 weeks but it's not too late for life. these are things i don't like to admit, at all.
I have learned a few things (life lessons) in these first 2.5 weeks of my program. Basically, it's ok to make mistakes. Just do it earlier than later!! Then at least you can learn early on. Speak up. Doesn't matter what other people think. really it doesn't. don't be ashamed to try something even if you aren't sure how. that's how i feel. of course i've learned these things before, but they have been demonstrated ten fold during these couple weeks.
breakfast: bread, 1/2 banana, pb: around 280. my stomach was sooo full from last night but i know i needed something substantial. this actually worked really well, surprisingly.
snack: apple. good choice again. wasn't even famished by lunch. 70 again, i was REALLY bloated throughout the whole day. could hardly get the apple down.
lunch: LARGE but healthy wrap. with turkey, mustard, tomato, lettuce. around 450
snack: fiber bar and kombucha drink: 230
dinner: definitely will be a drink that i'll make at home. one cup pumpkin and a serving of protein powder. cinnamon. around 200-250
1280-1300 cal. healthy and there's nothing i can do about yesterday. it's done.
exercise: not in the mood for the gym.....4 mi walk instead.
Progress as of today: -5 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!
[ Previous Page 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311 312 313 314 315 316 317 318 319 320 321 322 323 324 325 326 327 328 329 330 331 332 333 334 335 336 337 338 339 340 341 342 343 344 345 346 347 348 349 350 351 352 353 354 355 356 357 358 359 360 361 362 363 364 365 366 367 368 369 370 371 372 373 374 375 376 377 378 379 380 381 382 383 384 385 386 387 388 389 390 391 392 393 394 395 396 397 398 399 400 401 402 403 404 405 406 407 408 409 410 411 412 413 414 415 416 417 418 419 420 421 422 423 424 425 426 427 428 429 430 431 432 433 Next Page ]
HOP sorry for the family drama. There comes a time when it's just hard to live with parents - much less all the sibling dramas. Even when everybody DOES get along and love each other. What's up with the job in the hospital - what's bugging you about that? I didn't seem to pick up in your last three posts what was difficult about adjusting to hospital life - I only worked as a nurse aid when I was in HS so that's my only reference point to working in a hospital LOL please excuse my lack of understanding there. Can you come up with a plan - like save as much money as possible now and move out? Even if it's a very small apt or something with just the basics necessities? Would you be happy on your own? Personally, I was never so happy as when I first moved out of my parents house - even though I didn't have anything hardly at all - not even a sofa! I had a card table and 2 chairs, a cedar chest, a mattress and some sheets and towels, some kitchen stuff like pots, pans and dishes, silverware. It was great. No TV, either! Then I got a roommate and that wasn't so good, either. I did better on my own - sanity wise! I'm so sorry your family is not there for you. It kind of sounds like everyone has their own agenda around your house. I read in your post a few days ago where you said you were feeling "needy". That's a bad feeling. I hope things are better soon. Come back and post tonight so we can see how you are doing later. Take some deep breath and say - this too shall pass. It will, you know. Love, hollybelle
Donkey on 10/06/2008:
I don't think I could say it better than HB (see above). Everything she said, including wanting clarification on the job/school/hospital.
I just wanted to let you know that I read your post, feel your pain and want to send you all the support in the world. I'm so very sorry. I hope you are feeling better today...
We gotta get you outta that house!