had the best time tonight at the party. it was like a wedding - open bar and TONS of dancing. i got pretty drunk. had a blast. got driven home. need to get my car tomorrow. it was TOTALLY worth it as i don't do anything like this all the time. i'm thankful for the 11 people in my class and their awesome personalities. what a night!
500 cal during the day. NICE.
some food, but little and FOUR drinks! whoa. so, i have no idea on calories but the drinks had to be at least 200 a piece. one chardonnay and three diet coke with malibu. haha nice and sweet and sugary.
to be on the safe side, i'll say 2,000 calories. but seriously, it prob wasn't more!
hopefully i'll not go off the deep end and binge any time soon. i'm not bipolar but sometimes i feel as though i am when i do so well and destroy it. i'm simply doing too well - i cannot let it go! :)
Progress as of today: -15 lbs lost so far, only 25 lbs to go!
wowsa. i'm exhausted...but in a good way :)
eating has been good. partially because i'm staying busy and productive and also partially because of the fact i have a party to go to tomorrow night. but i does feel good to eat healthier. much better.
calories: about 1150-1200. many veggies, good proteins. some deli meat though. and a protein bar. but all together very good.
i went to yoga and the temperature was approx 107 degrees throughout most of the practice! whoa! it was hard! and i felt so good after.
anyways, i might study tonight but not for long. it feels good to have a few days without much studying as we don't have much work for school the rest of the week. this is because our teacher was kind and we pushed most of our work till next week since we have a party tomorrow night!
ttyl!
Progress as of today: -15 lbs lost so far, only 25 lbs to go!
i went to yoga. i have LOTS to study. we'll see if i can do it. had to drink some diet pepsi to get me through without falling asleep right now. not good.
calories good though. bc i'm staying busy. little time left to pig out today. 1200 approx. although i may be off by like 100 cal. pretty much healthy, some sodium though.
eh, too busy in some ways for my own health. i wish the studying days were behind me...but not so much! :(
goodnight all. sorry i can't comment more lately.
Progress as of today: -15 lbs lost so far, only 25 lbs to go!
thank you all for your comments from the bottom of my heart...
breakfast, snack, lunch, snack were healthy. 800 total
dinner: not so much. one large apple, one small orange. 200 plus, some chocolate soynut butter (like peanut butter flavored with chocolate flavoring). i finished off the container that i just bought on saturday. i will not buy this again so soon! 5 tablespoons...so 500. total dinner: 700
total today: 1500...and CHOCOLATE: 1940! haha. it's under 2,000 and that's a great thing.
i could have easily eaten only 1200 calories today with dinner for 400 instead of 700...and then 440 in chocolate after that not cool.
went to yoga and it felt good.
goodnight.
Progress as of today: -15 lbs lost so far, only 25 lbs to go!
do i have the motivation to succeed??? yeah.
will i use it and not get caught up in the now (the fact i'm fat so i can keep eating since i'm already fat....) yeah, i'll use that motivation.
will i see that i am ONLY 26 and i'm wasting my existance? yeah, i see it.
will i realize that i'm ruining my life by eating and acting so destructively. i do.
not sure what else it takes for me to do what is right.
plan for monday (that i will NOT change even if my lack of sleep causes me to yearn for fatty sugary foods....because sleep is something i will lack all this week due to the fact that we get tests up the whazoo in this program...)
breakfast: tofu w. bran cracker. but, this time 1/4 block (instead of 1/2 block) and 2 pcs bran. so: 120 cals.
snack: i don't have a green drink for tomorrow. so....sugary apple and....i'm going to buy milk i think. approx. 200?
LUNCH: i will BRING lunch. veggies and a teriyaki flavored tuna pack. gotta look, but i think it'll be around 250.
snack: green drink for sure. and that's it. i know this will be hard for me...i will want more.
get reading for the gym, at home since it makes more sense. i like so close, i should come home. sadly though, this means temptations. ugh.
dinner: eggs. at least that's what i'm in the mood for now! haha. yeah, eggs with veggies and some greek yogurt. tea.
these are the tentative plans...as it seems plans are always tentative with me. i did take the time just now to plan them so i might as well give them a chance. if i stick to eating this way, i will lose weight like i want to. its just the time. i need to let myself get into a healthy cycle and see that i can succeed again. it will not happen right away. and if i binge, it will happen slower, or not at all if i binge like i have been.
i have a long, long way to go. i haven't weighed myself and don't plan to. i know where i need to be at and it's not worth the trivial #s of the scale right now.
please, g-d, help me get over this horrible health crisis i've put myself in. the extra weight is something i did and it would have been better if i got obsessed in going to the gym, rather than eating. i do not want my weight to control my life. i yearn to have my other life back. the one where i was IN control, confident, and admired. the one where i looked on the outside how i felt on the inside. where people appreciated my efforts. they may still, but for some reason i had to put that in.
i don't know. i've always been lost - unable to sometimes even pinpoint what i want for myself. i am actually not depressed as i write this.
i just want to be a different person. i wish i had a different life. but i can't. i'm in school to hopefully get a career right away after i graduate. i have a path that i'm following. there is nothing else.
i feel NO control btw. none. i don't need a psychologist...or rather i don't have any money i want to spend on one. it might be good. but i'd rather just write everything here.
anyway, no control. how would you feel to have a different job EVERY single year for FIVE years in a row! it sucks. that's why life sucks for me right now. and this year, my JOB is SCHOOL. it's not even something i'm being paid for. i am thankful, yes. but there are NO WORDS to describe the feeling of not knowing what is coming next. constant change. nothing is the same. my body, my mind, obviously is having so much trouble with this. and, for the next 2 years things will be the same. and then i will be looking for a job, AGAIN. when this program is done.
so i obviously cannot keep on gaining weight due to frustration. i know that. for some reason, i'm having trouble doing that.
i want to weigh around 115. i have to do it. for me. i weigh so much practically as much as my dad. its not all about weight, don't get me wrong.
but i guess i'm focussing on it.
life sucks right now. it has for awhile. you'd feel the same way if you were in my place, trust me.
i know we all have our trials and tribulations in life. but right now it sucks for me.
i know some of you have it bad, maybe even worse, i don't know.
but i never envisioned for myself an unfortunate life filled with so much lack of success as this one has proven me.
boy does this suck. it really, really does.
no, i'm not going to kill myself or anything like that.
i'm just ANGRY. MAD.
i'm pissed off that this is where my life has left me at. that i'm 26 and back in school for a 2 year certificate program where i am studying more than i ever have constantly and continuously week to week.
everything right now is pure torture and writing it all out has left me exhausted. there's more, but i can't even think of the details.
Progress as of today: -15 lbs lost so far, only 25 lbs to go!
hindsight 20/20... easier said than done, blah, blah... I did have a friend who played tennis every other day, it worked for her, not for me - I didn't like getting sweaty... We are all different...and we do change.
I do hope you can find something that might help you in there, though... writing is good therapy, too. Warm hugs to you my friend.
One thing I was wondering... I'm wondering if there is some connection between your feelings from when you were in school before to your feelings NOW that you are back in school. Or maybe the connection is that you are dreading job hunting again once you are finished with this program. So you put so much pressure on yourself to do well now in (subconscious?) hopes that job hunting will not be hard when you graduate school this time around? (I think job hunting will be much easier with this degree, btw.)
I can see how the uncertainty would eat away at you (in general). Add to that a toxic home environment (at times) and it must be very hard to find constructive coping mechanisms.
One thing about uncertainty is that it won't be this way forever. I mean, nothing is certain, but it's Newton's Law of Motion: objects that are in motion, stay in motion. Objects that are at rest, stay at rest. So eventually you WILL find your niche and you will find your comfort zone. It may not feel like it now, but trust me, as someone who has lived a little longer than you have, things eventually come to a holding pattern. You (in general) just gotta hang on until ya get there, I suppose.
Know that I am thinking of you, and I read every entry you write/update. HUGS
You do well in school, cause you put in the effort & time to get the good grades..... You know how to reach obtainable goals... You prove it!
Best wishes for a successful week.....
for tomorrow, i'm going to make my lunch. possibly...
sunday: breakfast = 900. ok. lots of chocolate soy butter, green drink.
lunch = 700 ok... egg white flatbread, small package of cheese and pb crackers, package of animal crackers. at grandma's.
snack = 400 getting bad... coffee ice cream. at grandma's. prob should have turned it DOWN.
dinner = 250.... + 250 ....+ 450 = not ok. soup w. a bowl of lettuce, sandwich with turkey and american cheese, 6 lindt chocolates.
total for today: 2950. not good. nope. it would have been 2250 if i stopped with just the soup for dinner. but no! i had to go for a sandwich followed by 450 cal of lindt chocolate.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Saturday:
i wish i could go back in time. go back about 5 years...or even better, 7 years. but i can't. so i have to make due with what i have.
plans for today include a walk in the park later. and some homework for school and a movie tonight. no big plans i'm glad actually.
breakfast: 1200
snack: 200
snack: 50
late lunch: 200, 150, 500 = 850
total so far: 2300
4,000 cal today. haha.
Progress as of today: -15 lbs lost so far, only 25 lbs to go!
Check on ya tomorrow!
breakfast: lots sugary oatmeal, pb. 700
snack: apple 80
lunch: green drink, apple, coffee 200
late snack: fruit/nut bar: 170 mostly in carbs/fat but healthy fiber
dinner: mcdonalds 900, lg apple 130, cookies 450 around 1500 total here.
2650....plus soup, 3,000 on the dot.
3400 (biscotti, jello)
Progress as of today: -15 lbs lost so far, only 25 lbs to go!
4500 calories.
Progress as of today: -15 lbs lost so far, only 25 lbs to go!
Hope that you can feel better, be under less stress, feel your desire to get this done so badly that resistance occurs....
Get some rest!
hey. much better, no. little better, possibly.
breakfast: 2 packages oatmeal (flavored) and almond milk. 400
snack: apple, green drink: 160
lunch: hot pretzel w. ketchup/mustard: 400
snacks---dinner: (unhealthy) popcorn 260, iced lg coffee 90, tofu175, celery20, salsa40, romaine20, (salad), (around 600)the entire package of SIX carob coated rice cakes (now i need to replace them bc they weren't mine...)...720 for the rice cakes total here: 1320. hahahah stupid???!
total calories today: 2280. i did wake up. i've been up. stop eating this way jackie. just stop!
my goal: 115 is still my primary goal. but how will i do it???? it keeps getting further away. it's ONLY 25 lbs away. it's NOT hard. why am i making it that way? i want to get BACK into exercise in the am. on the treadmill. like workingit, i should have the goal of losing FIVE lbs a month. that's FIVE months. soooo...by MAY i should reach my goal. that sounds good. and some time to spare before summer. five pounds is NOT that hard. and i'll prob lose some extra weight the first month. i'm practically crying, well not really, but this can be done and i need a better hobby than to eat after work. for now on, i shall go straight to the gym...i'll pack my clothes? i shouldn't stop at home - anymore. so yea, i'll pack the gym clothes tonight and go straight to the gym tomorrow. feeling to big for yoga.
sorry for the rambling, but it helps me.
food plan for tomorrow, before i get even more obese:
breakfast: oatmeal, almond milk 200 WATER
snack: TWO green drinks: 170
lunch: SUBWAY turkey extra meat 350?
GYM GYM GYM.
early dinner: salad and microwavable meal. up to 500.
total: 1200-1300 just fine. planning is everything, i guess.
Progress as of today: -15 lbs lost so far, only 25 lbs to go!
i know everyone on here is busy! i will make time for you guys soon.... :)
BASICALLY, I CANNOT MAKE A GOOD DECISION FOR MORE THAN A COUPLE DAYS...
another poor day. i think being tired forced a bad decision. actually, i made the decision to eat poorly.
breakfast: 440
snack: 100
lunch: 200
SNACKS...DINNER: CHIPS 150, MUFFIN 480, TACO BELL 640, COOKIES 450, BISCOTTI 280, ICE CREAM 550, JELLY 100, MICROWAVED FRIES 400. (3050)
TOTAL: 3790 OUCH.
tuesday breakfast: very carby. slightly healthy. banana, two packets high fiber cinnamon swirl oatmeal. very sugary breakfast. 430. eh. i may allow for a sugary lunch too...we'll see...
________________________________
400 extra cal more....1/4 cup pb. so, instead of 1550, 1950. still ok but no weight loss. ummm, i can only be happy it wasn't a full out binge. i didn't have much fat today anyway, so the peanut butter was probably a healthy addition. i have to get used to lower cals.
it's kinda late and i chose a late yoga class. now it's 9:30 and i have yet to study. i plan on studying at least one hour if not more tonight. or i can fail. this particular test it wednesday. but i need to learn a majority of it tonight so i don't have to stress it....
food was so-so. ending on a good amount. 1550 approx. today. :) i am happy for that.
i went to yoga and was nauseated by my horrible appearance in the mirror. it's a cross between an obese person and a body builder. so nasty.
i can only forge on ahead....
Progress as of today: -15 lbs lost so far, only 25 lbs to go!
Positive thoughts are sent your way!
That is awesome that you went to yoga. I really want to learn more about it but I am not flexible enough right now and most of the poses hurt LOL. Keeping you in my thoughts! Have a good evening and don't beat yourself up too much. =)
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Yay!!! I love fun parties! Glad you had a blast!! You even kept your cals low! Great job.
thinnside40 on 12/12/2008:
I feel like I have 2 totally different personalities when having a good streak, then let it go out the window at times... I have tried to figure it out numerous times, but have come to decide that most people are this way... rational/unrational.
Have a great weekend and I'm so glad that you had a happy & safe party!