yesterday was sickening. today was crappy.
today: nothing until 10am. fruit/tea. 120 or so.
lunch: sugary, kashi bar and smoothie (bad choices.)
after work: some healthy but big roll, seaweed salad, tofu burger. prob around 1100 for this stuff. but then i had some sugary stuff afterwards which ruined what could have been an ok day.
prob around 4000 today.
tomorrow i have a wedding, haha, cross my fingers i fit into my dress...
Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
i did binge. badly. no idea how much i ate. but it can EASILY be around 6,000.
something inside me clicked in a bad way and the binge just went off tonight and when i got home, after the dinner, i did eat more (desserts - pure sugar)
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today was a day of fast but i didn't fast. i went to work and ate pretty normally. it's ok. every jew observes in their own way.
550 cal breakfast. kinda big, but good.
400 cal lunch.
350 cal snack
cal. so far: 1300. alright.
dinner: out at a friend of family's house to observe the holiday. i refuse to come back really late bc i have to study for a test. (i will take my own car if i have to...) and i will eat moderately well. i have enough calories to still have something good to eat, right?
Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
kinda a celebratory and home cooked and holiday meal..was prob around a "conservative" as grumpy would say...probably 1000:
soup with veggies and matza (bread) ball, chicken and potato (little bit), moderate piece of strawberry rhubarb pie (decadent and rich)
so today was around 2200 ok. bc no binge and enjoyed a nice dinner. tomorrow will be more of the same i think. oh well. gotta enjoy meals/days like this.
i only biked, had to come home for dinner!
trying to eat better. taking vitamin C and E because a goal of mine is to improve my skin and hair. especially my face since it's bad now. comes and goes with hormones. but, when you eat a lot (like overexcessive amount) of sugar it is proven that some of the vitamins you need are not absorbed well. and i KNOW this is what happened with me. because i ate TERRIBLY and my face is a WRECK. hopefully it'll be mostly better in a week and next time when hormones strike it won't be NEAR as bad! :)
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pretty busy day today. lol, so i got my monthly visitor today (maybe another reason for all the anger in my entries lately) and i wasn't ready. knew it was coming, didn't realize it was sooo close. i was wearing white pants (my uniform!!) so it was a bit awkward. luckily nothing too bad. lol.
anyways, food was good.
300 breakfast (egg on bran cracker, fiber one cup of it plus cup almond milk)
70 calorie apple snack
400 calorie beans, salad, tofu lunch (trying to get MORE veggies in before i leave work!)
350 calorie dunkin donuts snack. lol. sandwich and coffee.
so far: 1120. i would like to do well today.
dinner with family tonight. i will make sure i eat moderately!
exercise: bike, elliptical, WEIGHTS. i've layed off of weights for about a week! oops. didn't go to gym and was too lazy to do them at home! must do abs too. tonight is the start of a jewish holiday. but i will be observing it by still going to school tomorrow since i have a test and wouldn't be attending temple anyway. so busy! i cannot wait till sunday. the wedding will be over and i will probably sleep a lot! lots of things going on this year. once again, it's better that way!
Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
i had a similar day to you. no binging and enjoyed a nice dinner, so calories were on the high side, but not bad. xoxoxo. btw, try to enjoy the wedding instead of looking fwd to it being over. :)
Glad to hear that your day was good and you consider it to be o.k. to eat as you did... And NOT binge.... Yippee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
today was STRANGE. i went to bed at a decent time but throughout the morning at clinical in the hospital i was SWEATING profusely. like i might have had a fever. all morning, sweating. i felt gross! but it went away by afternoon, thankfully!
no exercise as i did errands after work: i found a dress that i'm not loving, but am happy i found it and don't have to worry about that again before a wedding i have on saturday. i did forget my coupon though, so i will have to go back - they put it on hold. i hope i still have my coupon! haha, i'm always scatterbrained with this kinda stuff...
i also got a new tube for my bike. i was going to put it away till spring but i've seen so many people riding that i decided to get it done. seven dollars...but i gave him a 3 dollar tip because he's that fast and that good. great service. that's when you should tip. when they give you a really decent price and do everything nice!
breakfast was a bit large, maybe that's what caused me to sweat. lots of peanut butter. but not horrible good fats. tofu. avocado, bran crackers. that's about it. 750
snack: NONE. and i was alright. just hungry right before lunch!
lunch: tofu, salad, beans, (too much cauliflower also and boy was that i bad idea....haha) light dressing: 400
snack: green drink, bar: 300
snack: apple, 2 ounces wheatgrass (i'm really trying to help my skin)100
dinner: 2 eggs, 1 big red pepper. 230
dessert: greek yogurt, cinnamon, 3-4 tablespoons sf jelly...3 chocolates...and i didn't binge after that which is great. 350.
after dessert: tea.
total calories: 2130. fine. it's not above 2200. i may have burned less than what i ate. but it's not a binge and i was on my feet most of the day today. tomorrow i will be sitting more, so i will try to eat accordingly. but, most importantly, no binging. that's the habit i need to break first and foremost.
Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
That is what I like to read from you... You know what you need to do and are working on it constantly, not giving up.... That says something!
trying to remember what i ate today...feeling incredibly gross all day from everything that went on last night (not involving food for once). my face is all broken out. really bad. i am exhausted.
breakfast: 2 eggs, avocado, bran crackers, banana, 420
snack: apple, two of my friend's almonds: 100
lunch: salad, bean salads, tofu: 400
snack: green drink and luna bar: 250
snack 2: tofu and some bran crackers: 140
dinner: two italian peppers, avocado, egg, string beans with salt. 250
dessert: greek yogurt, sf jelly, cinnamon: 120
short two mile walk today, really tired out.
total calories: 1680. VERY good. i will focus only on eating healthy for awhile. not on dropping calories very low. weight should come off after awhile. no need to push it.
Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
I CANNOT DEAL WITH ANYONE IN THIS HOUSE. MY PARENTS ARE DRIVING ME TOTALLY CRAZY. MY MOM IS A COMPLETE B>>>>. SHE IS FRUSTRATING ME TO PIECES. SHE COMPLAINS TO MY DAD ABOUT ME> AND EVERYONE GANGS UP ON ME WHEN MY SISTER COMES HOME.
I CANNOT TAKE IT.
i can hardly type this i am soooooooo pissed...........;.!! Q
i am so angry. you have no idea. my freakin parents think that i lie at every point that i can. i cannot deal i cannot deal i cannot deal.;asldd
my sister and i got earrings for our birthdays. i want to throw mine out. i literally put them in the garbage. however, i'm taking them out now and giving them straight back to my mother. i don't want ANYTHING from this woman. no gifts. every again. she is suuuuch a terrible person.
i am not looking back at this moment, but thank you to the person who said to me not to expect favors when i ask. i cannot believe i could have FORGOTTEN that my sister DOESN'T do favors for me. never has and never will! why am i so stupid as to think she would this time around! why!?!?? how could i forget that!? and how could it also slip my mind that my mom is a judgemental incredibly negative ...... you insert whatever terms sound good there. and my dad, he's good and all, but boy is he sadistic. to think that i would intentionally lie and clean up my room and then leave another room a mess. i would never be soooo incredibly deceitful. long story. i won't even go into it. but if a person always thinks the negative of every situation, that's just incredibly not helpful at home.
i cannot take it. my mom LOVES to get my dad angry with him. she hounds him. and i can't take it.
i wrote out a 300 dollar check and put it with the earrings i got for my bday on my mom's dresser. i cannot look at them. and they were sitting in my garbage 5 minutes ago. to me, they are worth NOTHING. there is nothing i want from a person who does not love me for me. i canoot take this anymore. i am stressed beyond belief. and to top it all off, with a little vanity, my face is all broken out. i was embarassed at today's funeral looking how i do. i am sooooooooooooo sad, so angry, so upset. i have a horrible mother who i do not love. she is tooo judgemental.
after the funeral she had to repeat and reiterate a thousdand times how this freshman in college who did most of the family's speaking at the funeral was " so vain" because he discussed his looks and how he wondered why he was so good looking - bc of his grandfather. to me it was almost funny because he's still so young so maybe that's what a guy his age thinks about. i don't know....but i can say that it was great that he did talk on his grandfather's behalf. not everyone is smart like you - mom - and can write an awesome speech. BUT, at least these people attended their parents funerals, unlike you, mom! that's right, mom. you don't even associate with ONE person from your side of the family. you are the loser. and nobody else. you are the one that shuns people out. you are the one that sets the example of not communitcating with me or anyone else. you are the one that doesn't give an ounce of your time when people ask it of you. you are that person. you are the one that should be critiqued and judged and made to feel like shi-. that person is you.
i feel like crap.
if i last till friday, that'll be amazing. i think i'll be a zombie at my friend's wedding on saturday if i keep going to sleep late this week. as if last week wasn't enough.
Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
I just wanted to let you know that I read your post, feel your pain and want to send you all the support in the world. I'm so very sorry. I hope you are feeling better today...
We gotta get you outta that house!
breakfast 1/2 banana w. pb: 240
snack/early lunch: kiwi, 2 eggs on slice wheat...and a banana 420 (banana wasn't necessary)
late snack: healthy stuff...500 approx.
dinner: package veggies, 1/4big avocado, 1/2 block tofu, red pepper approx. 420
dessert: greek yogurt with sf jelly and cinnamon. 120
total: 1700 pretty good.
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Late saturday evening:
i'm really upset now.
i cannot stand living here right now especially tonight as my sister is sleeping over. i got a movie (at first for me) but then realized everyone was home so i mentioned that i rented a movie to my dad whenn i got home. and pretty much let my parents and sister do their thing because i had already eaten dinner. i didn't mention it again bc it seemed my parents were doing their own stuff after dinner.
i asked my sister to simply "test me" on some of my flashcards that i know well for a test next week and she said "no." i got really pissed because i didn't think she would actually deny me that favor.
my dad has explained to me that i am totally wrong and that i shouldn't expect people to always say yes when i ask a favor of them. so, i am in the wrong.
i thought that especially since i picked up the movie, my sister wouldn't have a problem going over the words with me. but she very much did.
and, even though i flat out told my dad i got a movie, he says i didn't tell my parents and i only do what i want to do when i want to do it.
i am fat, pissed off, and angry.
i want to know if you have advice for me on this. and if it is true that i should not expect favors of anyone even if i ask them. bc i may just not be seeing things the right way and if that's the case i need to know so that i don't make the same mistake again.
i am confused right now and annoyed. and i really don't want to watch a movie with people who tell me i am wrong.
and, lastly, my mom right away took the side of my sister. my sister ran down to my mom and once i stepped in the room, i was being told how irrational i am. I really do NOT appreciate the asshol- commentary that my mom gives me on a daily basis. i serisouly do not like how she treats me. i am sick of it. and now is one of those times when i hate living at home. i hate the temptations to be lazy, the extra unhealthy food, the annoying mother, and everything else.
if this entry sounds immature, i maybe so.
i really don't know anymore.
i have dealt with change for this will be my 5th year in a row and all these changes (especially getting used to working in the hospital) are driving me crazy. it is very hard for me to get acclimated with this xray job (although i realize it's NOT a hard job) and i am as frustrated about practically everything in my life as can be.
Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
I have to say, right or wrong, rational or otherwise, I have learned from similar experiences and reactions NOT to expect ANYTHING supportive from family members. It just leads to hurt and disappointment on my part, which is only toxic to my state of well-being.
So I'm NOT commenting on your reaction, because I do not know how pissed off you were, what was said, etc. But I would rather comment and say that you were probably in the wrong in EXPECTING anything positive from your sister. She seems, from what I gather from past entries, to be the oil to your water. So why should this time be any different? Right?
I want to encourage you to reach within yourself to find some inner strength. You are in or at an incredibly stressful time in your life: new direction in life, new classes, different type of work, toxic home environment, not optimal physical health. Bingeing will not serve you well to build up your health (both mental and physical), so I want to encourage you to FIGHT to stay away from that kind of behavior.
I would encourage you to find some kind of sanctuary, whether it be your room or a cafe or a place outside (although not good for night or cold weather), where you can go and feel safe, on your own, relaxed, decompressed, etc. A haven. You may not have your own place to live right now (which I still feel would be the ideal situation for you), but you can have your own *space* where you can go when all this toxic stuff in your life hits you in the face!
Maybe at the beginning of the week ask your family if you can bring home a movie and some popcorn and have a family movie night. Tell them that because it is your weekend, that you would like to schedule some time with them to reconnect. That way YOUR time is defined as YOUR time. Say that you would like to take a break from studying or work or whatever...not just "Hey, I'll pick up a movie on Friday" simply because you all live in the same house. Despite the fact that you all do live together, that doesn't mean that you can't have your own identity. Sometimes though, you have to help define that identity by establishing parameters of your time.
And yes, you CAN ignore your sister. She obviously doesn't think she needs you around..so ignore her. Say "Hi" or "bye" or whatever, but don't seek her out. Not because you aren't punishing her..but because YOU don't deserve to be treated the way she treats you. Let HER come to YOU if she wants to establish time together. Be mysterious with your time, be polite, be helpful, do the things that you need to do at home..but don't hang on them or expect them to accept you. The best way to get others to accept you is for you to accept yourself.
And by all means, GET PISSED OFF!!! There is nothing wrong with being angry and letting it out. It is better than eating that anger any day. Hang in there!
I agree that it's good not to expect a lot from others, but i like having faith in people and expect favors and understanding from them. but of course you have to deserve it too (which does seem to me you do). xoxox
around 3500 today.
so i have a funeral to go to tomorrow which means no yoga. and i've chosen not to go to yoga today. I need to study now because i don't want to do it tomorrow, last minute. i'll probably walk before noon - maybe. otherwise, i'll go to grandma and walk with her and go to the gym tonight. no clothes for temple. not buying any. last time i bought them, i returned them after my grandfather's funeral bc there eneded up being damage to the shirt and the store actually took it back. oh well. whatever.
this funeral is for a parent of one of my mom's friends. my mom is in her 50s and all of the parents of my mom's friends are very old.
breakfast: good. challah, banana, pb: 550
snack/too much: chocolate chip pound cake and peach: 700
11:45 lunch: more cake 600
lunch again with family: huge bagel and whitefish spread: 600
total so far: 2450.
dinner: i should stick with salad and tofu.
movie tonight.
i recently watch a good movie: one hour photo with robin williams.
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Friday evening:
i am scared about this new field i am in. i know i am VERY capable and that i really shouldn't worry. it's hard not having money. but all of this will eventually settle out. but this sucks right now, especially not being able to move out and become an adult. i feel very needy because of this and life is a bit confusing. tomorrow is another new day and all i can do is look on the positive. no yoga bc that will just frustrate me so i'll either walk a long walk or go to the gym. i have a wedding next week...haha, i thought i would look great. now my goal is to look good (and care about my body and health) and have it show come mid december. i know weight loss isn't the cure for my emotions but if i start caring it'll help with everything else going on in my life. time to care a bit more, again, another attempt. hopefully a better one. i forget what my stomach looks like UNBLOATED as it's been this way for over two weeks...
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before leaving work calories: 1100
DD egg white flatbread: 300
mcdonald's med fries:400
taco bell crunchwrap: 600
DD oatmeal cookie: 500
pound cakes, chocolate, pretzels, challah bread: not a clue, but a lot! 1,600 at least
4500-5000 calories depending.
3 mi walk.
Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
http://www.experience.com/corp/press_release?id=press_release_1155590079977&channel_id=about_us&page_id=media_coverage_news&tab=cn1
i will still take a walk later tonight...
binged after work...dumb!!!
breakfast: 320 banana, pb, tofu,sandwich.
snack: pb sandwich 300
lunch: indian microwavable food, fruit: 510
snack(s): 2 ounces wheatgrass 20, gnu fiber bar130, peach50, cereal and milk300, cookies200: 700 ....
estimations on calories: 2 chocolate and mini m&m covered pretzels 400, nuts 200, challah (1/4 loaf)600, apple crisp 400, ravioli w. cheese310, banana110...2020 (hopefully not more as it definitely could have been more...)
ehh. 4,000 calories today. dumb and dumber. i forgot the pound cake: 4400
Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
I don't think it's "dumb" to binge. Obviously something's bothering you, stress, uncertainty, boredom, whatever it may be. please be kind to yourself. And patient. And forgiving.
1,000 cal up until dinner. dinner was good but a little large...good anyway.
dinner: salad with some dressing, microwavable eggplant parm, plum, dessert of cereal and milk, kombucha. not more than 750 i think.
total: AROUND 1750. ALRIGHT. at least i had dinner kinda early. no exercise, it's gonna rain and i don't want to go on the treadmill or to the gym. throat is a bit strange. but i never get REALLY sick unless i let myself get VERY run down. time to get more sleep. need to catch up on sleep...badly!
goodnight...i will comment later this week as i am exhausted.
Progress as of today: -10 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
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i know, did you see how short is the back??? its crazy, never had hair that short. i think i look better with the long hair, but i like the change aspect of it. i think tomorrow i will have to tell j we need time away. and i need to be strong and stick to it, so it's good that i got the haircut, i a girl told me today at work that you carry your karma on your hair and she doesnt even know about J. I hope she's right. hope you feel better and relax about the wedding, have fun! xo
loveray on 10/10/2008:
i hope that would have fun at your wedding! i know what you mean about the fasting- i wrestled with doing that to myself with my eating disorder. but for some reason, this year, it was much easier than others not to think about the food. love to you!