...she got a parking ticket using my car and i had to pay for the stamp...37 cents is not a lot by any means, but she needs to learn to pay for her own stuff. honestly, why did i even provide the stamp!? lol, now that i look back on it, i don't know WHAT i was thinking. let her get one on her own. she has yet to pay me 37 cents and its been almost a month! i've asked her PLENTY of times. she is just one inconsiderate person i tell you. i DON'T know WHAT IT TAKES.
edit: once again, my annoying sister gets in the shower the minute i get home from yoga. she is SO UTTERLY RUDE. she drives my car every morning and hardly thanks me for it as i am stranded after work unless i want to get it...which is not enjoyable in the cold, after work. she is just so uncaring. I don't get it. and soon she won't get my car anymore. and if she uses up the hot water....there's no saying how i will react. how dare her be so inconsiderate.
btw, i do hot yoga and i come home a dripping mess. it's late...10pm and i'd like to go to bed. she is just rude and demanding. she's purely spoiled when it comes to anything in this house. she's done it again. i really don't know what it takes to teach her a lesson. i can't wait for her to move out...she's supposed to sometime after the new year. it can't come soon enough and then she'll see how tough it is outside this house! i can't wait till her first fight with her roommate. i know it'll happen sooner rather than later. no one is going to put up with the crap that we, my family, puts up with. loser.
I needed to vent. thanks.
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tonight i've had to fight major urges to overeat! I did give in a couple times by having a huge thing of tea....then another drink. but, i'm refusing to get up to get anymore food. i am actually full. so, i don't need food!
calories have been remarkable, to say the least. i'm very happy - 1,000 calories at the moment. honestly, i shouldn't need to eat again for the rest of the night since i already had dinner at 5pm. i have yoga at 8pm and the plan is to go to bed after...i agree with geevee that yoga, at least yoga in the evening, doesn't spark my appetite. in the morning or afternoon, i usually come back STARVING. however, that might also be cravings in my head!
exercise is good, too. today will be 2 hrs, 5 min! yay! :)
i didn't work myself to the max at yoga yesterday, which is GOOD. i'm not sore...which is GOOD. i actually want to get into a routine of going to yoga EVERYDAY. why not!? it's paid for a year...i can go as often as i like.
total ex: 14 hours!!! yay!
Progress as of today: -5 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
today was a good day because there was a plan of attack!
exercise: 35 min AM plus YOGA! finally, i went to my second class. It took over a week to get back into it!
Total exercise: 2hrs, 5 min :)
total ex: 11 hrs, 55 min! :)
total cal: about 1300. I'm ecstatic. now, i just need to continue this way!
oh, the plan of attack included volunteering and yoga after work today. I volunteered from 5-7 and went to yoga from 8-9:30pm...yes, they do have classes that late! so, this prevented a binge.
Progress as of today: -5 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
When my husband has to work late or go to basketball practice and I have the evening to myself, I make sure to have a plan to keep myself busy. Sometimes I work late, or I go to a supermarket on the other side of town, or I plan to cook something elaborate which I know will keep me busy. If I just sit at home watching T.V. by myself, I know I'll spend the whole night eating. Just don't put yourself in that situation, and you'll be surprised at how easy it can be!
So when you get home, try to concentrate on how good you feel and visualize the postures you did to your satisfaaction. I would think negatively about the rolls of fat that would come down to choke me when I'd do the shoulder stand which I totally DETESTED! I'd think that a posture that made me feel so awful couldn't be good for me! Looking at myself in a leotard and tights was enough to make me lose my appetite. That's why I prefer that apparel to loose fitting yoga pants. There's no incentive in wearing them.
The more yoga classes you attend, the more you willwant to go. Believe me, you CAN lose weight doing yoga and not even thinking about it.
oh my. i really did binge today, monday, after yesterday's rambling about giving my word to end it all.
so, basically, buying new clothes made me able to binge more. just kidding, it does need to stop. it's harder than i thought this would be.
calories: 5,000 in mostly carbs. the binge could have been prevented and was after work. It lasted 1.5 hours.
basically, i want to be able to eat everything and still lose weight. i know i can do this with moderation, but i'm afraid to not get full. the road ahead is going to be a challenge and i will have to prove i'm ready...when i'm ready?
55 min exercise.
total ex: 9 hrs, 50 min....it's gonna get better! :)
Progress as of today: -5 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
I *love* bread and grain products - I started eating whole grains a few years ago and that's good, but I can still stuff my face. I really struggle with this and it sounds like you do, too. Are you consciously eating 5,000 calories? I mean, do you sit down at a quiet dinner table and eat that much in one sitting? Try it sometime. When you want to eat, sit down at the table and eat. And don't read a book or watch t.v., or fiddle with anything else but your food. Your stomach may not actually feel as empty as you think.
It's really hard to break out of a binge cycle. Sometimes will-power isn't enough. Try to make it physically impossible for yourself. Go somewhere after work - somewhere you can't go on an hour-long binge. Go to the gym or a mall or a movie or something. Go for a really long walk and don't stop until you're exhausted - then you still have to walk back! Get in a really good workout - you won't want to undo all that work with a binge. Don't just rely on yourself to avoid the food when you're sitting in the midst of it. That's like trying to quit smoking but carrying a pack of cigarettes around with you. No-one could do it!
Make things easier on yourself!
today's exercise: 40 min.
total exercise: 8 hrs, 55min
My bingefest is over. I end the day with 5950 calories. (approx. 6,000).
So, tomorrow starts my challenge. A better entry would read TODAY starts my challenge.
So, as Biscottibody writes certain goals for herself, I have a goal for myself:
loose about 20 lbs in 20 weeks. As long as I stick to fitness and calories, this is MORE than realistic.
It's Done. If I offend everyone with these really dramatic, unrealistic, entries, sorry.
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If i stick to a diet for 20 weeks, I will be how I want to look. 20 weeks sounds challenging, but definitely doable. 20 weeks takes me all the way to April 27th! My gosh, that's such a long ways away!!! I have to prove to MYSELF that this is worth it. I need to take ONE day at a time... I want this sooo bad. There's nothing stopping me except for my MIND. Wrong choices are NOT worth it. JUST NOT WORTH IT.
calories so far: 4760. people would never think its possible!
Nobody said change is easy. I've chosen to spend the day at home for the most part. I will be stopping by Old Navy to pick up some pants that fit. Hopefully they'll be a very reasonable price.
I'm going to read. Maybe start a journal. I just had a snack, even though I'm still full from the morning. I guess sometimes you need to revisit the past before making changes so that you don't stay in the past. What I mean is, I think I needed to gain weight in order to realize it is possible and that i don't want to continue on this type of journey. I'm not sure if this is logical.
For some reason, I have Jeno's microwavable pizza on my mind. It's in my house. I didn't buy it...it's not mine. Maybe I should go to yoga at 3pm even though i'm full? It'll be difficult to do some of those poses. Plus, i need to buy pants for work and if I go to yoga I can't buy the pants. so, yeah, yoga's out for today. I'm not worried about my membership...even if i didn't go a whole month, i'd make up for it in the end.
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interestingly, i go from wanting to "look hot" right before bed to a terrible morning binge. i couldn't exercise inside on the treadmill, because my dad was. but, i didn't have to binge. cakes, cookies, yogurts, everything.
so, now it's time to calculate: 4000 cal for breakfast!
i told myself just now that this was the last straw. the problem is that i don't like to intuitive eat. i'm afraid to. so, once i start to eat past full, the binge begins...
i have to purchase at least two pairs of pants today because my others don't fit and its embarassing. I am started my diet again. I'll try my best. I have been getting better at noticing my feelings before a binge, even if it doesn't appear that way to you.
i will concentrate on my breathing and go to yoga. I know i can overcome these negative thoughts. I know it.
Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!
I'll never forget the day when I was walking out to the parking lot and someone coming toward me said, "Did you just come from a yoga class?" "yes." "I knew it!" You looked so relaxed and calm."
I was, but what amazed me was how noticeable it was to others.
If it's not too late, I'd go straight to yoga and then go shopping for pan ts. The stores are open late at this time of year. You could probably do both if you chose to.
Not sure if any of this is relevant but just thought I might share my thoughts with you!
i now have more like 15 lbs to lose, but i'll work on one pound at a time and take it from there. if i did it once, i can do it again, right!?
most importantly, i will learn to reflect on fitness and other comforting things other than food to get my feelings and emotions out! :)
total calories: 1950 (I had some wine after watching the concert. At least red wine is healthy!)
I am determined to look really hot. lol. whenever i go out with friends and have a good time, i come home determined to look hot! why is this!?
today's exercise: 1.5 hours walking.
total ex: 8hrs, 15 min.
Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!
I think it is perfectly normal to want to look hot. We all want to look good when we go out..even if it is just to the grocery store. The trick to actually living life is not to make the need to look hot, become an obsession that robs us of enjoying our TIME. I know a lot of us would live vastly different lives with vastly different thought processes if we knew we only had two weeks left to live.
So enjoy making yourself look hot! Just don't forget to enjoy LIFE while you are at it. =)
Saturday entry:
so eating started as good as I could make it the day after a three-day full out binge. I found myself stopping by the specialty supermarket after the dentist consultation. The tooth couldn't come out today, bc it was just a consultation. And, even if i do remember the dentist saying there was a possibility that he'd take it out the same day, it wouldn't happen today: my mouth by the tooth was INFECTED. and i know why, the three day binge!! Of course, I didn't mention that to the dentist, but that's pretty crazy. whenever i eat/chew overboard, this happens! sick. lol. just another reason not to let eating rule my life.
into the afternoon, eating got bad...and i've even had 6 mini lollipops...and the milano's took their toll. so far, 1770 cal.
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Friday's calories were 4700. I'm ready to stop the binging for awhile. I'm getting my wisdom tooth out this morning probably...if the consultation goes well. It's a little swollen in that area due to my excessive chewing/eating.
alright everyone. have a good day.
no exercise at all on Friday.
Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!
Have a good day!
Thanks for your comment. I have made butternut squash pie, but not turnip. I'd heard of that but thought it was a joke! Have you ever had it? What's it like? I like pumpkin and sweet potato pies because I don't have to add much sugar. Don't know if that would work with turnip!
Friday morning edit:
I've already had another bingy day this morning! an apple, cup of pumpkin...and 4 tablespoons peanut butter. all together: 550 cal. the reason that i say it was a binge is because i ate past being full, way past being full.
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i'm gonna die a very early death. i'll tell ya that.
4,000 calories today. almost every piece of clothing is too small. i've got problems.
yeah, i know, i need to go about this process slowly. the more pressure i put on myself, the worse off i am.
the control these past few days has been lost.
exercise: 1 hr.
this is sooo sick...and I haven't felt the way I have today and yesterday in a few weeks. It's that really weighed down feeling. When there is gross bulk in your stomach and it sits and sits there for 3 days until you feel like yourself again. I know that life will always be difficult, and i really do need to stop turning to food. I want to live a life that is so far and distant from the one i have now...where food is not an issue and i have more enery than ever before. where i'm in great shape and i don't sit around with my legs up at the computer for 3 hours or more in a row!
if i gain any more weight, i'll pretty much be at my higheset weight before i lost 30 pounds 6 years ago. I'm totally headed in the wrong direction...this is sooo sad! i need to fix this. i know how and i just give up day after day.
Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!
And now, just for fun, I compiled a bunch of the best encouraging things you've left on my blog throughout the last year. Maybe reading your own words will encourage you that you've got this in you- I know you'll see it through!!!
Love. love. love. ~Michelle
"so, you've had a string of bad days, just pick up here...it's never, ever too late to change. :)"
"you will definitely get right back into the groove..... the day could have been worse!! feel better! i'm cheering for ya!"
"it's all about having more good days than bad...and you are doing a greaet job with that!! :)" (HoPs- you've ALWAYS done a great job of this!!)
"You're on your way! I have my bad weeks too! What matters is that you never completely throw the towel in!"
In one of the articles I posted recently, they discussed that the thought of binging for some people, releases a pleasure hormone that can be addictive. So maybe if you can give yourself permission to binge at specific times that you write on your day planner or whatever, maybe you'll be able to control it a little more and you will find other things in the meantime, that give you pleasure.
Just a thought!
One thing I'd like to add to the part she said about allowing yourself to eat what you really want instead of what you think should eat: I first drink a glass of water to make sure that I am not confusing thirst with hunger. Then, if I am still hungry, yes, I go ahead and eat it. (Especially when it comes to ice cream, I will eat ice cream if I am thirsty.) :-/
But I think if you ate what you wanted or what was available (i.e. what the rest of your family eats for a meal), then you would be more satisfied in the long run.
And I would like to reiterate about the counseling too. A social worker, a RD, somebody.
i emotionally ate 4200 calories. and, that's if i'm lucky and calculated correctly...ugh. bad stomach ache.
exercise: only AM 1/2 hour. sucky as anything!
total: 5 hrs, 45 min tomorrow i will go to yoga...and even though i had a bad day today, i am making a good attempt to recover tomorrow and for the rest of the weekend! :)
I feel like i'm at a point we're i'm almost unable to make any changes in my life...i get a step closer, and take 100 steps back.
Progress as of today: 5 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!
from my calculations, I ate around 2050 cal. I had a pretty large dinner, around 900 calories.
exercise: one hour. tomorrow I want to go to go to yoga practice.
today, i did some volunteer work after work for 2 hours. it went pretty well, as good as volunteering can be, anyway! :)
total exercise: 5 hrs, 15 min. :) that's ok.
i was definitely bingy today. but, really, calories weren't bad - and i cannot think that they were!
at the current moment, i am angry. there is this friend i have living in another state who doesn't realize his actions and how they make me personally feel. I can't really say too much more, except that he's great at being the controlling one in a relationship. i actually just mean a relationship as friends. and i personally don't care for people like that, who are rude and lack any understanding...and he may just loose me as a friend.
Progress as of today: 5 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!
the dinner date went well...although he is on the thin side...but what's wrong with that right? that's motivation on my part! lol.
calories are pretty good. when i got home, i did have some celery sticks and an apple even though i really wasn't hungry, just antsy.
calories: 1375 approximately.
exercise: AM = 35 min. now, i plan on another short 35 min. i'm a bit tired...
total exercise: 1 hr.
total Dec = 4 hrs, 15 min :)
Progress as of today: 5 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!
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Thanks for the advice! What do you do when you're at work tho? Cuz I eat lunch at work, and I work at a Dr's office so we ALWAYS have TONS of junk food around (especially during holidays b/c ALL of the patients bring us stuff ahhhh!)....so that's my problem...I find myself munching on all the junk all day after lunch...which you figure I eat lunch at 12 and get off at 5 so that's 4+ hours of munching!....anyway, I was reading your past entries and it seems you and I have the same type of overeating issues. If you ever need any support or anything feel free to ask! It's not "good" to read about someone who has the same issues I do with eating so many calories in a day sometimes, but it makes me feel like I'm not alone in it ya know? Because at work everyone else seems so "normal" and they dont eat like that so it makes me feel worse. Anyway, sorry for rambling, I'm glad you had a good day! Keep it up!! =)
mylifechanges on 12/12/2007:
hi HoPs! It's good to see you getting back on track. I was worried about you there for a bit. :( I'm sorry things are stressful at home for you. I don't have any siblings, so I can't really relate, but my best friend and her brother used to tear each other apart over her car, so I know how ugly it can get. :( I hope things look up for you again soon! Great job on the exercise! You're doing GREAT! :)
borntocry on 12/13/2007:
Oh, poor HoP! I'm sorry to see your sister is driving you crazy again. I know I've said this before, but have you tried talking to her about her inconsiderate habits? Do you get the feeling that she does it on purpose or is it just that she doesn't think about it? I do know how difficult it can be to live with siblings because I have a brother with whom I don't get along at all. But in many cases I think one is reluctant to confront family members with issues that could actually be resolved quite easily. Unless your sister is deliberately trying to upset you, you should be able to reason with her and maybe come to some sort of compromise. For instance, she gets to keep using your car as long as she lets you take a shower after yoga. And if she forgets, you must let her suffer the consequences of her irresponsibility by depriving her of your end of the deal. If she is going to act like a child, maybe she needs to be treated like a child too!
jmarie60 on 12/13/2007:
Siblings can be so crazy sometimes!!!! I couldn't imagine living with my brothers again....
I am glad you are doing so well with yoga. I've always wanted to try!
Best of luck today!
jon'smom on 12/13/2007:
Keep up with the yoga! I think I should give it a try. Sorry about all the stress:(
shadetree on 12/13/2007:
Have you tried flushing the toilet while she's hogging the hot water? (Or does that not work with your plumbing?) That would be a good way to teach her a lesson.