- Thursday Jan 10, 2008
Friday afternoon edit before yoga: I am doing better today. This morning was bingy but I made sure to watch myself as the afternoon went by. I am happy that my binge from yesterday is in the past and that today is a new day. I still have a goal of weightloss throughout January till June. I want to be successful, mainly because I believe that what is on the inside is not comparable to how I feel about myself on the outside.
Exercise will be at least two hours. (1/2 hour on treadmill and 1.5 hours yoga.) ...now i'm off to make a few journal comments and then catch up later with the rest of the journals! I'm excited about that! :)
1/2 hour exercise.
total 12 hrs, 5 min.
I don't think i can comment on journals right now, i'm too spacey from this binge.
oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. sorry for the language, but i made a horribble choice after school today. This whole day i was hungry, moreso than usual. I didn't have cake at lunch bc it was someone's bday, but i DID come home and eat tablespoons and tablespoons of peanut butter, chips, bread, frankfurters and everything else like sweet yogurts and dried fruit that destroys a diet.
is my diet totally destroyed? of course not....
my face was improving bc i've been eating better, but today's binge surely will most definitely have an effect on the clarity of my skin...breakouts and all... i'm praying that it doesn't get worse though.
i walked 20 min in the AM. First, my plan was to do both volunteering and yoga after school. but, i was too exhausted. I am home and decided only to do yoga but then i found myself totally wrapped up in a large binge so no yoga today.
total calories are 3450. (the binge was a full 2600 cal.)
not a good day but any means. I am not proud because now i have definitely had a backslide in weightloss. what's the point of knowing what i do about health and nutrition if i can't actually use the knowledge i have. binging makes me NOT want to go out because i feel bad about myself and how i look.
i have a date Saturday evening and now I don't want to go. I spent the whole week trying to keep calories low because of my binge saturday. now, I have binged twice, Saturday and today, Thursday. arg!!! not good!!!
basically, i realize that whenever i decide to cancel my plans, it always results in a binge. so i guess being lazy is not the way to go. or, i should have just taken a nap and went to volunteer. I have to REMEMBER that TIRED doesn't mean EAT.
i'm frustrated because i know i can be something so much better than i am. on the outside is not what i know from the inside. this is hard and it shouldn't be.
I think i'm ready to stop eating when full. I think, but i'm not sure, that I am ready to be an intuitive eater again. I will count calories, but i will try to stop when full. Maybe i'll be much more successful this way. We'll see. I'm not happy how things are going.
I promise myself to be smarter about this. Much smarter. :(
- Wednesday Jan 09, 2008
good day overall. there WAS binge eating, but it was on healthy foods and i was able to still keep calories at a very good average. calories are 1280 and that makes me very happy. I'm STILL bloated from my binge on the weekend which is really annoying!
binge eating to me means eating when not physically hungry and eating past full...as well as contantly snacking.
the test was HARD to say the least. you can tell everyone thought so. It wasn't even meant to be finished! nobody finished any section. I think i did on the best on the reading part. there were also spelling, analysis, math, and science questions...as well as a part meant to test you on your personality. The hardest section for me was the science. I haven't taken any science for awhile on there were questions on physics, chemistry, anatomy, biology...you name it! so, that was not so hot. everything else was ok. I honestly think i did do well enough to get into a program still! Results and interviews for any program don't take place until the end of february and march. so lots of waiting time.
i did go to yoga and i also took two walks today.
today's exercise: 2hr, 10 min
total exercise: 11hrs, 35 min! :)
- Tuesday Jan 08, 2008
i had a mini-binge today. chips and english muffins and butter spray. lol. my lack of sleep and slight depression feelings caught up.
happily, i can report i stopped the binge after awhile.
I will go to yoga, even though it's on a full stomach.
Today's exercise: 1.5 hours.
total: 9hrs, 25 min
It's gonna be a tough yoga class...ouch! :) bending over...i can feel my stomach already! but i have to go, i have to break through this.
I went to register this morning, leaving my house at 6:45am. I got to the community college at about 7am. thank god i got there then because there was already a line forming!!!!! yeah, that's right! and registration didn't start until 9am! so we waited and waited, talked and talked. I ended up getting into a sunday class in anatomy and physiology from 8:40am till 3pm! yeah, long class indeed! I originally asked for the saturday class, but the girl who went in before me got the last seat! so, I was happy to get in and know i don't have to worry anymore about that!
After that, I had to actually go somewhere else once signed in by the chairperson...i had to go to registration and wait on another line! Things took so long! then, i was told to wait on line, a third line, to pay the bill! i was angry bc i had to go back to work and couldn't believe i had to wait on the line just to pay and that i couldn't do it at another time! so, then this lady comes over about 10 minutes later, as i'm complaining to everyone and everything that will listen, annoucing to everyone that we don't have to pay now and we can go upstairs to pick up our bill and pay online within 48 hours! So, i immediately left, picked up my bill, and went to work! ugh!!!! yuck!
lately, everything is one large cruddy process! Life is a process I am learning, and we all just have to struggle through it. It makes you a better person if you do.
so, now i'm off to yoga on a bloated stomach! yucky. at least my calories are not astronomically, although most of the calories i did eat today...and all of the calories i ate this afternoon, are carbs...bread and chips. lol. arg. enough complaining already from me!...and no, i wasn't taking my time eating and that's why i binged!
- Monday Jan 07, 2008
TUESDAY AM edit: I couldn't sleep most of the night bc i was thinking about registration....I'll leave my house around 6am today and just park at the college and wait till i see people head up to register. i'm going to be sooo tired later!
I promise to comment on more journal entries tomorrow, there are SO MANY!
today is going well which i'm happy about. I'll definitely update tomorrow or tonight in a more detailed entry. I'm shooting for a good day tomorrow. I do have to agree that my bingy 10:45 pm edit:
days are getting better. I try to keep busy or at least have a schedule. I also try to keep healthy food in my house. Most of all, I try to tell myself I am worth it. After I binged Saturday, I was bloated all Sunday and I am still not back to normal now! So, I miss the unbloated feeling and do realize how unhealthy it feels to be bloated. it's true!
I'm soo tired. Tomorrow I go to register for a course in the AM...I'll show up way before 9am which is the registration time so that I make sure i get into a course! I'm soooo excited! Then, off to work I go... Then I think I may move volunteering to this Thursday because I think I want to go to yoga tomorrow and call it an early night, unlike tonight!
...i just called the college and it turns out i'll be waking up at 5am and arriving before 6 just to get on the line to register so that i get into the course. turns out people line up really early! ugh ugh! I definitely Don't want to volunteer tomorrow afternoon...but i probably should, for otherwise i might binge...i do that during stressful times... i will definitely work not to.
calories : 1160...probably a snack after a late yoga class. It starts at 8pm, ends at 9:30. The reason I'm going so late is because i showed up for an earlier one but was turned away because it was already full! oops. Everyone has New Year's commitments and it seems more people are going. I should probably leave my house really soon, even though it's only 7:20 so i get a good spot!
My calories are good because I've had a busy afternoon and evening. It always helps! But, sometimes you can just be running all around because a hectic schedule can easily catch up with you!
Exercise: 1hr, 50 min. (I did a short 20 minute AM walk today.)
Total exercise: 7hrs, 55min. okay, getting better! :)
- Sunday Jan 06, 2008
my right butt cheek hurts soooo bad! i pulled something awhile ago and it keeps getting worse...especially when i sit on it, oddly enough! lol!
my day got better by the evening. yes, a bingy day though.
calories are 1415. could be a whole lot worse but my appetite got dampened later in the evening so i decided to use it to my advantage.
exercise: 1.5 hours walking yeah!
total jan exercise: 6hrs, 5 min.
- Saturday Jan 05, 2008
one more update: no yoga. I'll make up for it this week!
Sunday noon edit: Today is a new day. It started off with my getting some low cal, healthy, liquids to drink and lie in bed with to read and also snooze a little more. I was pretty tired. I went to sleep around 11:30 last night but my sister asked nicely for me to drive her to a really local bar like 5 minutes away around 12:30am so I did that...even though i was already in bed. After that, I drove around for a few more minutes with the heat blasting in my car, deciding that was a waste of gas and came home. Upon coming home, i couldn't get to sleep and I went back on the computer for an hour, half in a daze. I'm glad Saturday is over and that today is Sunday. This sure was a VERY uneventful weekend. I do plan on yoga today at 3...but its definitely gonna take some effort to actually get myself there. I also want to walk for a bit but I don't want to squeeze every last bit of energy out of my body before yoga. I sound like i'm 90 years old! LOL, i'm 25 and I should have all the energy in the world!
i will have a more poitive entry on my next post.
I made a bad choice and binged on a late lunch/early dinner. I couldn't go to yoga bc i was too full.
calories: 2700. I'm not proud of that and will definitely think a little bit more before making the wrong choice to binge. Tomorrow's a new day and I will not let today's bad judgement affect tomorrow. ugh.
exercise 4 miles. I am VERY full. dumb judgement today, especially bc i was really happy about my clothes and they're beginning to fit better.
total exercise: 1 hr, 20 min.
total January exercise:4hrs, 35 min. sheesh. ugh. haha, it'll get better.
- Friday Jan 04, 2008
saturday morning edit: last night went well. Basically, there was a "quick" goodnight kiss since he would have missed his train and needed to wait a whole hour for the next one at 1:30am! no thanks!
I am not as attracted as i would like to be. arg. I am so used to being single that I am having trouble with the feelings portion of that. I think he may be more interested in me than i am in him. But, I'm STILL willing to give this a shot. Does anyone understand what I mean!?
He's a great guy. this is funny - he takes his time eating, really slow, and that has helped me to think about my own eating. It really helps.
We talk a ton about yoga and fitness, nutrition. sometimes i think we talk about this too much. then again, we do discuss other things too. but i just don't know, yet. we've known each other for a little under a month. not very long. we'll see...
one more thing, why is it that I get really antsy on the phone...i just don't love talking on the phone with him!? It's like a struggle for me. He's a good conversationalist...seems he can talk forever. lol, what a complainer i am!!! i should be happy to meet someone who likes to keep themselves busy and do different activities after work. what's up with me!? whatever, i have no strings attached. I will see how it goes. I need to just "roll with it..." :)
today, in fact, was a better day. I made sure I felt well and dressed well today. I did my hair nicely and felt good at work. I also have a date later today, so I have to prepare for that. It's a date with the same person I went out with last Sunday. We have plans to go to the cheesecake factoy, which may not be the best idea because the wait can be VERY long on a Friday evening. But, how long can it be for 2 people!?
calories before an afternoon snack were 980. then, i had 12 sugarfree jellos, so now calories are 1100. I actually got really full and sick of them by the last one. Sometimes, I like to eat a lot of something low calorie just to feel that stuffed feeling but also to know i didn't destroy my calorie intake. I'm a little nervous for what to get for dinner but I think I also want to splurge on something a little heavier. The only problem with the cheesecake factory is the huge portions which equal too high calories on the heavier, denser foods.
I took a 20 min walk this morning and I WANT to take at least a 30 min walk now before i get ready to go out. I'm definitely a little tired today. Maybe I'll lie down before going out. I didn't sleep very well this week. For some reason, I actually had an issue getting myself to bed on time...I also had PROMISED myself this wouldn't happen after the winter break. I was actually going to work on going to bed really early. I may try this again...because i DO like to get up early in the morning to exercise...and know that when i get home from work i did already exercise! It feels good, especially if i just want to sit around after work.
total calories: i pray its around 2,000...after a big, but healthy dinner. some dressing/sauce on my foods. cool stuff like seaweed salad, sushi, seared tuna and other goodies. the good thing is, i stopped when full because the person i was eating with is a slow eater...so i ate slow too!
today's exercise: 45 min. tomorrow will be better.
total exercise: 3hrs, 15 min
- Thursday Jan 03, 2008
definitely feeling upset and unhappy today. Not happy and for some reason the fact that i have a crappy job and undecided future is bothering me today a lot. I volunteered for the first time in two weeks, i took two weeks off, at the hospital. I didn't mind being there and all of a sudden got REALLY antsy and couldn't wait to leave. I only go there once a week so i don't mind it at all...and it usually feels good. I did feel good at some point during the night, but i started thinking i was hungry, then thirsty, and then i just wanted to leave! Came home, hardly had an appetite, and ate anyway. I ate anyway a few times today in the afternoon.
total calories: 1555.
I am SO fed up today. I am SO angry. Nothing is working out. I thought i had all the credits I needed for my master's back in August. I could have graduated in August. but, i waited so I could list an honor society down on my graduate transcript. My advisor called me in early december, the same month i was supposed to graduate, to tell me that even though i fulfilled all the classes, I still needed to either register for ANY class or just pay 2,500 for my last 3 credits. (I got placed out of a class bc i already took it as an undergrad, but i still need to use the credits...still need to pay again bc my master's requires a certain amount of credits!) stinks. lots of money, too.
I first wanted to register for Anatomy and Physiology at the university but some of the class was during the school day and i work! So, i tried to register for an evening yoga class...and I tried for a bunch of other gym classes, but each one is full. I emailed a teacher, she didn't get back to me. She may not since she doesn't work until the last week of January. I may just show up to the class the week it starts and see if she would allow me to take it.
Next week, I will have to take the whole morning off on Wednesday and i also will not be in for at least the first hour on Tuesday. I am praying that I get into Anatomy and Physiology at my community college on Tuesday morning. Otherwise, I will have taken off from work for no reason and my chances of getting into the Radiation Therapy program will have diminished. Stinks. I hate to take off from work. I'm one of those people that only likes to take off days for an emergency...I never liked being absent, even throughout my childhood. In college I remember I skipped class VERY rarely.
The week after next week i will also need to take a half day for another entrance exam somewhere else!
Nothing could be worse right now. Nothing's going right at all! I know life could be worse...I could be on the street! right!? whatever.
I was walking on the treadmill today, 20 min in the morning. My mom came down the steps to the basement where I was and started screaming that I couldn't do laundry in the morning! I thought it would be ok since it was only a medium size load and she wouldn't be showering for about 40 min. I wasn't going to use up the hot water. She was so angry she dumped out the tea i made. So I banged down my nice large ceramic coffee mug on the counter and part of the bottom of the mug shattered all over. I threw out the mug but later took it out of the garbage since it is still very usable and i'm not buying another...and it's huge and good for dinking largs cups of coffee and tea.
as you can see, things are crappy at home. but i'm happy not to pay rent bc i cannot affort it. I'm just happy that I'm getting by even so far this year. I have not lost much money...and gained not a penny. It's expected as a teaching assistant.
i better get in a good mood before tomorrow evening...i'm going out to dinner on a date with the same guy from this past sunday. i cannot be all negative and then go on a date...i know i'll make myself feel better by then.
cardio has slacked and now i feel it. my energy is down. I could hardly do the treadmill this AM. I need more sleep i think.
anyways, that's that. I'm going on the treadmill now, 40 min to make exercise for today one hour. I can't do yoga tomorrow either...it'll be too rushed before the date. I do want to get back into it on the weekend. Maybe 2X saturday...maybe not. haha.
I'm upset bc i see success around me and I have none of it. I can't stand this. I went to school for 7 years with nothing to show for it. Life is sucky right now. Something needs to get better fast! I didn't study a ton for the two entrance exams that i will be taking. I know they are serious, but i feel prepared in all categories...and i know that i could only be more prepared in the science portion, but its only one portion of the test. there's math, spelling, english...all that usual entrance exam criteria. I just want this month to end. now.
today's exercise: 45 min.
total exercise: 2hrs, 30 min.
- Wednesday Jan 02, 2008
Total calories: 1370 yay.
today's exercise: 30 min on treadmill.
Total exercise: 1 hr, 45 min. It's ok. maybe back to yoga tomorrow! :)
Today is going well...in the morning, I was running VERY late. No exercise or anything...not even breakfast. I took an extra serving of almonds with me as I left. I kind of liked how the morning went, aside from a little too much rushing. Perhaps I will not do morning exercise anymore...we'll see about that.
calories are going well. I am not feeling the need to be too restrictive BUT I don't want to go to yoga either.
good mix of healthy and less healthy snacks. Foods ranged from almonds to canned pumpkin to milano cookies to cottage cheese to tuna to hot dog...haha. and more!
- Tuesday Jan 01, 2008
pm edit: I accidentally went over because I forgot some things while calculating. I am trying to loose weight, that's why i like to stay in the 1500...going any higher almost is like maintenance. I stayed home pretty much the whole day. No yoga. I did walk, really slow like below 3.0 on the treadmill. total exercise is 1 hr, 15 min. I am getting nervous before tomorrow - work - i think.
exercise: 1 hr, 15 min.
today is proving difficult...i have binge feelings without a doubt right now. if I want to eat within the 1500 calorie range, I only have about 250 more calories and its only 4:30pm. I did just have a snack of a protein shake with a good amount of carbs in it as well. I've been snacking a lot these past few days.
If i want to, which I should, I can go to yoga later at 5:30pm. But, i'm feeling tired and lazy. I could have went for a walk, but now the sun is setting and it won't be as enjoyable.
My mind is telling me that it wants some really flavorful microwavable meal tonight. Should I just indulge? Calories will still be relatively good, but not in the 1500s if I do that. I want something bad now...i'm starting to crave pizza. I think I'm just tired. and yoga is so out of the question, i'm not in the mood at all!
ok, gonna take another stroll on the treadmill. I walked this morning, really slowly. After the treadmill, I'm gonna read a little and try to finish the book I took out of the library especially for vacation. There's also some people that I have to call back.
For dinner, I think i will stay within the 250 calorie range...I just need to think of something I want that is here in this house - there's no reason to leave again to go to the supermarket!