3500 cal.
exercise: 55 min.
total exercise: 4 hrs, 20 min :)
wanna know something really scary? my average calories for the past 30 days = 3237 per day.
those calories indicate an approximate 10 lb gain in 30 days.
I weighed myself after not doing so for around 2 weeks at least. I looked at the unexpected scary number: over 120 lbs. The last time I weight this much was waaaay back 5 years ago. I do believe I still know what to do to loose the weight.
workin at it...
walking to get my car and the train station and then heading over to the gym. by for now :)
exercise: i did 1 hr, 25 min :)
total oct exercise = 3 hrs, 25 min.
1200.
Now don't go and think that the solution to this (i.e. losing your added weight) is to FAST or to CLEANSE, because IT"S NOT!!!
Tomorrow, I want you to have a good, solid breakfast, a healthy lunch and a light to regular dinner. Eat every 2-3 hours. Your snacks should consist of protein and fiber.
STAY AWAY FROM THE PEANUT BUTTER!!!! (it's only temporary)
Remember there is always tomorrow, but we have only so many tomorrows.
Hope that made sense.
Keep your chin up :-)
Congrats and good luck to you! Have a great weekend.
exercise: 65 min.
edit: binged after school.
after the soup...instead of having dinner later at subway, i had:
2 servings tam tam whole grain crackers: 240
entire pint of cottage cheese: 480
chocolate pudding: 120
egg crackers: 175
peanut butter: 300
small binge = 1315 calories + rest of day = 2770 calories. well, i'm actually fine with it. (don't ask!)
Breakfast: oatmeal with one scoop of chocolate protein powder and one egg in it...as well as some maple syrup on top. this dish was like an oatmeal pudding/soft cake. 300
snack 1: 1/2 pb sandwich 200
snack 2: 1/2 pb sandwich 200, packet of juice mix - 20
lunch: black beans and lettuce with olive oil 380?
snack 3: tortilla soup with kelp noodles and a plum. 340
snack 4: whole grain tam tam crackers. this turned into a small binge.
exercise: exercising at the university. update to come.
today's exercise = 1hr :)
thanks for the continued support in times of need! :) I'm feeling better! :)
today was a good day. i'm just soooo tired today! I actually came home and layed down for a bit after work. going out to exercise soon! :) I will also do some reading! I keep saying that, but it never gets done! haha. and i enjoy reading, once i get into it.
I was so disgusted by the somewhat dirty carpet in my room that i ended up vacuuming it this morning! haha...before work! :)
today was good...tomorrow will be even better! I have really exciting goals ahead for these 3 months. I plan to update with my success.
basically, the reason i have some good days and some not must be because any change in schedule and uncertainty causes me to sometimes fall back on food. food is sometimes treated as my comfort and that i believe is why i have some good days and some bad. however, these next three months, i'm sticking to my plan (unless i find it doesn't work!). I plan to update with fitness and weight loss success! :)
did horribly today. ate great in the AM and lunch too. binged when i got home. 4800 calories.
exercise will be at least one hour.
i'm dying dying dying...going deeper, deeper, deeper. not sure what to do!
i cannot seem to eat ordinarily anymore. it's so difficult lately. don't know what to do.
it will HAVE to be mind over matter for me. there's just simply no other way.
You know, i think in some ways i can prove stronger than most people. and that's it - I will have to prove to myself and others this fact just one more time! :)
Do you think exercising sets you up for bingeing?
If it's any consolation --- and I say this to give you HOPE not to discourage you --- I had some pretty serious food issues when I was in college. I was not able to conquer them until after I moved AWAY from my mother. When I was on my own, and I had to pay for my own food and stay within my budget, the bingeing went away (for the most part).
You CAN conquer this. It will be hard. You may not be able to do it alone.
Even now I am fighting my desire to eat and eat because of my seperation anxiety of feeling closer to Brian, and believing that he is going to go away.
The things in our hearts and minds are very real and we seek to figure them out and tame them by many different means. Just as some people exercise too much, others spend too much money, and some drink...sometimes I eat too much. And despite all the support and encouragement, for me, having a problem with food is a very lonely and very scary thing. Being obese, coming from that world, still being overweight and capable of going right back to obesity, that is fear. The desire to escape reality and tell myself that I wanted to overeat is very real.
Sorry to ramble on, just wanted to let you know that even if what we do it for is for different reasons, you aren't alone. I am struggling with my baby steps, but I know I have to keep fighting because I have to get control.
I am curious, you mentioned that you have to prove stronger to other people? Who are those people you have to prove yourself to? Are you trying to prove it to them to send them a message that they can't hurt you or derail your life? Are you trying to be better than your sister, maybe? I know there is some tension between the two of you and that she gets on your last nerve. I struggled with trying to be better than my sister for years, or to be as good as her. We still have our issues. But finally I was able to tell myself that I don't really care what she does with her life because worrying about her life only means that I am taking away time to LIVE mine.
((((((((HOP)))))))))))))
And PS..the guy playing catch with himself...funny!
so, like i said, the guy really DOES play catch by himself!!! LOL, he goes to a raquetball court and throws the ball against the wall and catches it! crazy! or, that gets boring!
anyway. today was a good day exercise-wise. I did some walking and elliptical. 2 hrs total!! yesterday was also great! (2 hrs yesterday as well!) I did the elliptical at the gym by me and ran into someone i know. it was nice, because she exercised next to me and we got to talk to each other. she doesn't mind and lets talking while exercising.
so, tomorrow my plan is to go to the hospital after work to try to set up an interview so i can get a part time weekend job. I don't need another job during the week - teaching is enough.
total sept: 34hrs, 45 min.
this equals 69.5 minutes per day. :)
sunday edit: my lust for that guy is surpisingly over. it turns out he is waaaaay tooooo independent. He enjoys doing most everything on his own. I don't see how someone can live their life only going to movies, playing catch, and ice skating with themselves. It's hard to believe in my opinion. Those activities to me seem like ones you do with people. Of course, i have went to a movie by myself, in the past, but all in all I enjoy a pal to be with once in awhile!
=================================================
I have a small problem on my hands.
Today was a bad day, another bad day amongst many this week and these past two months.
up until 10:20 or something I ate 2450 calories.
at 4:30, i came home and was going to eat soup for around 340 calories. well, i didn't just eat soup, of course. I proceeded to eat 2570 calories. if you're interested, the foods included: soup, italian bread, chocolate chip chocolate cake, milk, chex cereal (2 cups), granola (4 cups) and peanut butter, again.
worst part, i didn't realize how many calories more i actually had until i added it up after i ate that second "meal."
I just have to stop. I am looking to get the part time job at a hospital on weekends. they get hundreds of applicants each week...so i will have to go in person next week monday after school to see what i can do.
now, as for tomorrow, i naturally want to not eat. as you can see, i've had what could easily be 3 days worth of food in one day. It adds up to 1673 calories a day if i were to divide today's total by 3 days. this is definitely a bit out of hand.
like i said a bazillion times, i know what to do but i can't seem to do it. meaning, i can't seem to eat right even though i know pretty much what i need to do. and, i've done it before.
since everything i ate just now is sooo high in carbs, i'm nervous how i'll feel when i wake up tomorrow morning, probably ravenous!
sheesh.
btw, the guy i have been talking to online i know from college. we hung out once a few years ago. then, he moved and somehow we started talking again, i think he imed me! haha...and i see he just signed onto aim. i'm NOT going to im him now though. that would be way too strange considering its the middle of a saturday. i was thinking of calling him today. alright, i'll hold out till tomorrow.
Good luck with your guy friend! Sometimes a little romance is a great kick in the pants LOL
2nd edit this morning: binge. but i'm stopping after this ice cream. haha
breakfast: pb on bread: 550 cal. (8am)
binge: 10:20am: red pepper, brussel sprouts (which i didn't finish bc they weren't good, with 4 slices of cheese, 3 pieces deli ham, 2 english muffins, 5 tablespoons pb, 2 cups ice cream.
total so far: 2540 cal.
Saturday morning edit:
Well, i don't have set plans for today. I don't do well on days like this one...or tomorrow (no set plans either.) I wish I was in a relationship because then i could do things with my partner. ok, this may sound so strange...and it is. I want to take myself to an afternoon movie. lol, such a loner i'm becoming. but, i doubt i'll go. it's not worth it..to pay just to go to a movie with myself. i'd rather rent one...and hope that i don't binge during it.
ok, i have one plan. To eat about 1200 cals or low cals...and to exercise for 8 miles walking, not all at once. that is my plan but it sounds boring. a better plan would be to walk to the library, do some reading, walk home. (10-15 min walk one way.) next, i could bike at the park or bike around the university on the outside track they paved a couple years ago. I've never used it, so that would be fun. AND, its like 3 miles around, so it makes for less boredom. well, that's my plan. i don't want to binge. one factor that really helps to prevent this is that my pants are all a bit small. and i'm not buying bigger ones. i've already done that...and the end of last year!
Friday evening entry:
overall sept exercise: 30 hrs, 45 min :)
overall a far better day than yesterday.
breakfast: some 90 second microwavable seasoned rice pilaf with beans and all sorts of things in it! awesome and satisfying mix of carbs, protein, fat.
fruit lunch.
snack/dinner: HUGE 24 ounce green drink from a health food store, kashi bar, followed by the leftover pilaf from breakfast...salad...tomatoes...a diet 7up...i think that's it...it was definitely a slight, but healthier, binge.
snack after workout: decaf iced coffee and a cup of light ice cream.
calories are actually low
exercise: 55min.
I used to go to the movies by myself all the time. I would still do it to this day except I am so busy and so broke lol. Of course a matinee is usually only about $5...but I can't go into a theater without getting the butter soaked popcorn and I think I'll save a trip to the theater for a day when I am celebrating something. I don't mind going to the movies alone, but the first time I did it after my divorce on Christmas without my kids home, it broke my heart.
I know what you mean about having a relationship. Brian and I still don't have a relationship, we are still just doing the dating thing...and my heart feels like it wants more, but we both want to take it slow. All I can say is that it is a very confusing time for me right now. But it is also a very good learning process. Your online guy might not be mr. right...but he may be mr. right now. So, have fun!
The one thing I am doing differently with this guy than with any other guy I've dated before, I am letting HIM make all the major moves (calling me, suggesting get together times) because I want to see exactly where he is and if I go doing everything in an attempt to create something when we aren't really ready, I might miss those signals that I always missed before and end up getting hurt. I am so afraid of getting hurt and feeling this close to someone new in my life, really freaks me out lol.
HAVE FUN! Get out there and DATE!
I know what it takes to loose weight, but I'm stabbing myself in the back. All of August and September has been this way. It's like a ratio of one good day for every THREE bad days. More bad than good = weight gain. I know I also have a bit more muscle from an increase of exercise. However, for the most part, I'm turning into a nice soft blob. It's like i'm afraid to watch what i eat...and to stop when i'm full. It's such a challenge for me to stop and not finish things. and,whenever i do finish things, i end up going back for other things. and that, my friends, is what takes me into a full blown binge.
i ended up doing 55 min of elliptical...that's good on a full stomach. actually, bloated, disgustingly oversized stomach. oh deary!
total sept exercise: 29 hrs, 45 min.
i pigged out after work today. damn. calories could have been wonderful for today. Now they're not. boy do i make wrong choices! calories for today are: 3420 yikes. my pants are already too small. i've been having wayyyy more bad than good days. i wonder how to change this. i didn't have my car today and didn't want to exercise downstairs or outside (bad weather). so, stupid me comes home and eats at 5:30.
i had two tuna wraps. lots of rice pudding, chocolate pudding, PEANUT BUTTER UP THE WHAZOO, yogurt, granola and milk, milanos. you get it.
sheesh. i need to do better. i actaully got full in the middle of the wrap...but i didn't want to eat it later or waste it. i should have thrown it away. i'm still bad at stopping when satisfied. boy does this have to change!!!!
thats all for now.
But I also have been working on myself to change this way of thinking and I think I am finally getting there. You can too! Try to keep a trash can around so you can toss the food when you are full. Also I notice you like a variety of food (like me!) My sister is going to try the Nutrisystem program. I am going to see what foods she can have and her meal plans. Maybe then I can buy foods that are similar to hers and see if this glycemic diet thing really works. I will let you know about the plan when she gets started! Hang in there!
So yeah... maybe that story will have some effect on you as well, even though you didn't have to live through it.
today's breakfast stunk to the high heavens. i continued my "binge" in a way. however, after i ate what i took, i didn't go back for more, which is a BIG plus.
breakfast was around 1200 cals and lunch around 200.
anyways, total is around 2050 and that's good.
i exercised 5 miles today. I wanted 6 but my ankle was really bothering me, especially since i walked a lot during the school day. however, i want to be able to use my ankle more and more...but it takes time. i've already overdone it. but, i'm not about to skip exercise. tomorrow will be a biking day. maybe a little walking. we'll see.
total sept exercise: 28 hrs, 50 min :)
Progress as of today: -0.6 lbs lost so far, only 14 lbs to go!
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I am sorry but I have to agree with what others have said. I think you need to step back from thinking about weight-loss right now and concentrate on the bingeing. If you can't stop it on your own, you will need to consider getting outside help. Think serious about this. This is not something to take very lightly.
workingit2 on 10/06/2007:
I know you don't have health insurance right now which might be the biggest reason that you haven't looked for professional help and have been trying to deal with this on your own. I know how that is. From my experience yesterday I also know how it is to eat a little bit of food, but still be way over on calories. So those of us who think we are in control with portions but not counting calories may be surprised. Based on your diary entries for the past couple months, it is also obvious that you do not feel in control of your environment or job situation, which I can also sympathize with...and you've been turning to food to fill some hole inside of yourself, which I can TOTALLY sympathize with. I think we all can.
And what Biscotti said makes perfect sense. Your BMI is still healthy, but you do have to ask yourself some critical questions.
I found a couple of websites that might help, since I know you can't afford a doc or anything. I'm pulling for you!!
http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/articles/eating/guide/index.html
That is specific to binge eating disorder...this is a link to the main page of the eating disorders.
http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/articles/eating/index.html
I'm in your corner!
workingit2 on 10/06/2007:
I found this to be very interesting and helpful, for me.
http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/articles/eating/other/basics.html
workingit2 on 10/06/2007:
This was really, really cool. I am going to take some tips from this as well!
http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/articles/eating/earlyrecovery.html
Donkey on 10/06/2007:
You can find low cost help on a sliding scale from www.anad.org. Even if you had health insurance, I'd be really careful about seeking help through the insurance. Blacklisting, pre-exiting conditions, etc. I mean, unless you need inpatient services, which hopefully you are not at that point yet.
Instead of spending money on food for binges, you could be putting that towards getting some help.
hollybelle on 10/06/2007:
HOP - What the others said is correct - your weight is not so much of a problem yet, but the binging will be if you don't get control back. Many times insurance doesn't pay for servcies for eating disorders anyway (I have worked in the medical insurance industry for 25+ years). Sometimes they do. There are some resources in some communities to help for free or very little $$. One is comprehensive care centers - they charge on a sliding fee basis-sometimes very little $$. The other is Over-Eaters Annonymous (like AA but for eaters instead of drinkers). The later can be VERY good, but you must be prepared - most of the people there will probably be much heavier than you and you may find that the others will be surprised that you are there - but don't worry - binge-eaters come in all sizes. I had a friend (older male friend)who had alot of success at OEA. Some churches have support groups for eating disordered people. There is ALOT of support in these types of groups as they are filled with people who have been where you are and can help you understand yourself better-check out some of the larger - more "progressive" churches in your area. Don't be afraid to ask. It is scary to comtemplate any new experience-especially one this personal.....I know....but you have to decide if you are to the point where you want help AND are willing to do what it takes to get it for yourself. I know you don't want to continue this eating behavior, but realize you may not be able to stop on your own. And I am here to tell you there is NO shame in that - go look for resources and let us know what you find. If you want to email me privately, to talk about insurance, or anything else, my email address is: hollybelle1024@yahoo.com
legcramps on 10/06/2007:
That calorie average IS pretty scary. I would feel physically awful if I took in that many calories each day and i'm not anywhere close to weighing what you weigh - how are you feeling? I hope you find a solution to this bingeing pattern.
So what do you do for exercise?