I love you all for not just leaving me in the dust despite my inablity to maintain a healthy attitude for more than a day at a time.
Sunday is my last class and I agree that I should start RIGHT now being healthy. I should NOT binge all the way until I take the test. It is not necessary. The next two years, I'll be taking tests upon tests and then job interviews. Oh, and I just realized, the one program I have decided to go to does in fact accept a majority of candidates that are young like myself and in FABULOUS physical shape. I actually remember that quite well from when i interviewed there and also was taken around to observe by some current students. It would be frustrating to enter the program first day in September on a sour, depressed note. I do have a goal to change my attitude and current strategies of dealing with pain, negativity by then. I want to feel my best because this is a new door opening for me. Why would I want the door to close in my face because of my own self destruction.
I would equate my current eating/food/intake patterns to the lifestyle of a drug addict. I'm very serious. I'll do anything to get a "fix." I'll search the cabinets and closets in my house dry. I will find every last treat. Every morsel of anything that tastes good. It's getting very old. I really am an addict and although the feeling of being too full to even sleep is not a good one, my body practicially craves it. I focus on that miserable feeling, but it still blocks out other sad emotional thoughts.
I am just being honest in this entry. I am not very upset right now.
calories around 5,000.
no exercise.
studying.
I have a goal weight. It is not even questionable that it is a healthy one for me. I actually maintained between 110-115 for a least a period of 3 years. I am not weighing now to determine my current weight which is prob around 135.
Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
I am still having a difficult time with binging.
I binged big time...i'm laughing because i know better...sorry to disappoint but i did know this was going to probably be a stressful week. It turns out I didn't get into my top choice for school next year. But, I do know where I'll be going. I was planning on going to school each afternoon to study for my final, but now that I didn't get into the college that I'm taking this class at right now, I have decided that the rest of the week will be spent exercising and not studying as much as I originally thought I had to. My average is already an A and I don't have to be perfect on the last two tests.
Basically, I'm not sure why I thought I needed to actually go to the school to study. I'll just do my best from home. I'm done with this school and I will not be taking a summer course there (because I didn't get into their program so I don't need the course).
Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
Hope your evening is a good one!
before work: mail important letters...after work: post office again haha. I plan on going to the park after work unless my allergies act up then...and i plan on studying really hard! :)
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I ended up having an evening snack putting today's cals at: 1930. but it wasn't a binge. so ok!...I CAN do this! yes i can!
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Breakfast 1: apple 90
Breakfast 2: Cereal and milk: 180
Lunch: wrap with chicken: 230
Snack: tea 60
Snack: marathon protein bar and drink: 220
Dinner: We had a BBQ. Salad with dressing (60), 2 peppers with dressing (90), BIG piece of chicken (400?), wrap (100), small roasted potato in olive oil (200?) total here: 850 approx.
total: 1630. I think this is a good estimate.
Today was a busy day. My allergies were so bad when I went to pick up the newspaper at the supermarket at 7:30am this morning that I looked as if I were CRYING! I never had that before (and I'm also not taking any allergy medicine because I don't have insurance and don't like the over the counter stuff. I'd rather fight this season out! haha). So, for about 10 mintues my eyes were thrououghly tearing down my cheeks! So odd!
I had a test in my Anatomy and Physiology class today. This class was from 8:40am till 3pm. CRAZY! I couldn't wait for it to end since it's a VERY long class. I have an "A" average which is great. This is the last week of studying and I am SO excited about that. Time to make flashcards! After this week, I will definitely be on here religously and also commenting gallore!
exercise: walked 3 miles.
Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
Good Week To you..Taking, just one day at a time....
breakfast: apple 100
lunch: wrap with grilled chicken (small wrap) 250
snack: 1/2 banana 50
dinner: out to eat for friend's bday: stir fry bok choy, small dumpling/fried shrimp appetizer, little bit coconut sticky rice, seared tuna (large piece) coffee total maybe 900
total 1300
30 min am walk, 40 min pm walk. all in all I consider this a very good day. tomorrow i have a test which i plan on doing very well on. :)
and like Thinn said, today was a good saturday from the time i woke up till the time i went to bed! :) Have a good day ladies.
Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
Love Ya!
Amen on the good Saturday and everyday with the Lord is a GOOD DAY!
BIG SMILE to YOU!!!
binged. I can't believe it either.
5,000 cal.
Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
Stability is the core in all that we do if we plan on it lasting...Some are able to have that and others not..... What triggers you?...Stress?...Boredom?...Unhappiness in knowing that you probably will fail, even though you want to not bindge so badly it aches?....
Is this so bad and often enough that maybe you should seek out the advise of your physician? If you are in the weight range of 120-130...I doubt that you really are that "LARGE"...I know you are only 5'2" but, is your perception of a healthy "thin" that of societies guidelines or truly a need? You may have hormonal imbalance (thyroid, etc)...Sometimes things are just sheerly caused by a medical condition...
I don't know how to help you, other than to stick by your side in the good AND bad.....Just know that I genuinely DO CARE and it breaks my heart to see someone literally crying out for help and not knowing what to say that will "work"...
Has this been the norm for you since joining DD in 2006?.... Just trying to figure your patterns out and how long the short "good spirt" and then long "binging spirt" has been an issue? Most people would not stick with a forum like DD if it was something that has been going on for 2 years I wouldn't think, unless they were getting something out of it....
((((Hugs)))) from Washington State!
Thank You for answering the question and when you get back on top of your game, we can be doing this together (Ridding!)...
Heres to a better Saturday from the time you awake to the time you go to sleep.
i felt sick ALL night and today because of yesterday's binge. I still vow to stop this horrible cycle of binging. It's SO unhealthy. And, I look around, I see what a lifestyle like this can do to me. Nothing good. Most teachers in my school are quite healthy, but a minority demonstrate exactly why I need to change my ways!
breakfast: high carb, 410 cal.
snack: pineapple cottage cheese: 110
Lunch: apple and yogurt: 190
snack: tofu 170...ARG and then two granola bars 200
2 tomatoes, 2 orange peppers: 120
(1200)
i had practically NO water because the town was flushing the drains. So, I was pretty dehydrated which added to my sick feeling.
Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
Horn!...You need to wake up and be thankful that you are where you are right now and don't have to lose like I do... Binging is just as unhealthy as me being overweight...You know that & I am glad to see that you DID get sick...Sorry, but I am glad when I overeat and get sick..It is a REMINDER that we don't like to feel that way and have a choice about it....
Minute by minute & day by day.... Discipline will strengthen....
i had a good day but ended up binging. arg. better day tomorrow.
calories today around 5000-6000 (this is for me so i can look back and see). sorry to scare anyone!
NO EXERCISE.
felt really sick huge stomach pain up all night. not a good feeling. don't do it again!
Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
calories are probably more near 1650 since i went on to have some gum...like most of a pack. oh well. hopefully i burned enough calories despite that.
exercise: walked 4 miles with some difficulty...my ankle is not doing too well and i really should go to yoga tomorrow. i will see about that.
Today as been a MUCH better day.
wheatina with soymilk, cantelople, sf jelly: 300
sugar pills: 150 throughout day.
pineapple cottage cheese, large apple: 230
2 tomatoes, tofu: 140...and 2wraps 340
dinner: HUGE bowl of peppers, pickles, celery with light dressing, tofu 2 pieces
total 1575
The sugar pills I'm talking about are over the counter and usually near the pharmacy section. They're basically just glucose and are flavored. They look like big smartees candies. They have 15 calories each and are packaged 10 in a package. I think they are helping with cravings and energy levels. I guess you can consider them the same as candy, but I need something throughout the morning to regulate my blood sugar better. This is helping a bit while still keeping calories low.
Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
Have a great week!
I had a few more sugar pills in the evening, which really boosted my overall intake to around 1700. This is a bit too high for the weightloss I want. I will look to improve on that Tuesday! :)
all in all, a good day. Someone stole my extra large teacup at work so when i wanted tea with my yogurt and large apple i couldn't have it!!! :( I was tempted by bagels and had a whole one. If I had my tea, I probably would have been able to forgo a bagel. oh well, but calories still worked out pretty well.
breakfast: cereal, fruit, soymilk, sf jelly: 320
diabetic sugar pills throughout day: 100
large apple, yogurt, bagel: 600
tofu, wrap: 260
tofu, many veggies with some dressing, hot veggies in tomato sauce: 360
total: 1640. Good, I would have preferred something in the 1500s but this isn't so far off and I did exercise.
exercise: 1hr.
have a good evening everyone. I will DEFINITELY make the gym a priority for the remainder of this year now that I have a LOT of time. Although next week might involve a lot of studying for my final two tests...but I will keep in mind that I have done well all semester and now I truly NEED to focus on my fitness. I must enter the summer much fitter. I may be taking a class in July and for 5 weeks it'll be rough with also working full time...so I want to do everything I can right now to get a head start!
Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
I am so excited that I had a good day. But, I must remember, this is for the long run. I do not want to have to EVER loose 25lbs, 20lbs, 15lbs, or 10 lbs again! This is the start to a weight loss that I want to be permanent. Nothing is "forbidden." I will focus on low cal and satisfying foods as I always try to within moderation. I have a goal and I will reach it. Although I still don't want to, I think I MUST go to yoga tomorrow. My ankle is not feeling right (I broke it years ago and it gets inflamed whenever i increase exercise too much) and yoga seems to always help it. Have a GREAT monday. I am feeling better and I will try to retain this positive energy. It helps to know I have an easy week ahead in terms of studying. This means I have more time for exercise and well being! :)
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Late afternoon entry: The bodies exhibit was great. I recommend it to anyone interested in seeing what exactly is underneath our skin! And...I didn't get lost! wonderful. the directions to get there were VERY simple. I didn't give into any NYC food temptations, either.
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Foods:
a big bowl of oatmeal/milk = 300 cal.
Snack 1: apple, pineapple cottage cheese 210
No real lunch
sucking candies: 50
snack 2: Dunkin Donuts iced coffee 75
Snack 3: cucumber/cherry tomatoes/spray dressing/2 pieces cajun flavored tofu 280...and gave into temptation with a very carby wrap of 170 cal.
Dinner: Large apple and tofu and one sucking candy: 230
1315 cal - Finally! :)
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AM Entry:
I'm up early and didn't expect rain. I was going to ride on my bike to get the newspapers this morning. So I drove instead.
I plan to go to the human body exhibit at the South Street Seaport in NYC today. The bodies are real and have been preserved. Some show the effects of illness like diabetes or liver problems and many other things. The website online is: http://www.bodiestheexhibition.com/
My professor from my Anatomy and Physiology class said it would be a good idea to go and I'm interested. Hopefully I'll find my way there and get off at the correct subway stop. I'm TERRIBLE with directions lol.
I was heavily thinking about going to yoga this morning but I still don't want to. (I have an UNLIMITED PASS!). I still don't feel good about myself yet to show up. I know that I shouldn't wait because who knows when I will feel better. I may start this week. It will be an easy week studying because I pretty much memorized more than 75% of the information for the test next sunday already.
I would like to get in about 1550 calories today. That's my goal.
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Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
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Maybe you should weigh.....Just to see for the "reality" factor.....I may be wrong, but you know how good you felt at that 110-115 and how rotten you feel @ the fact of allowing yourself be that "135ish".... I know how good I felt at the 150-155 mark, but kaboshed that is self-destruction modes...I so look forward to feeling "THAT GOOD" again someday, both physically and mentally....
Have a good one H~O~P {*;*}
rlovell on 05/06/2008:
HOPPPPPP~ Hi hop. I am so proud of your honesty even when it sounds nasty to you to say it out loud! I know the feeling of just being taken over by food. It is a SERIOUS addiction and unfortunately it is the only addiction in which we cannot be totally abstinent: AKA, we have to eat to live! I am not sure what else to tell you must to breathe, learn what you are covering by eating and your triggers. If this means you can only eat out with someone portioning food for you for awhile, then do it! Dont keep anything in the house until you have maintained a healthy relationship with what you bring in. Food is a source of pleasure and of sustinence- and I have for so many years had such a negative relationship with it that it saddens me very much. Try to change one small behavior...like dont keep any food there this weekend and stay home. See what happens- a lot of emotions may start to bubble and maybe you can start the process. I love and am thinking of you! R
WI3 on 05/07/2008:
Your frustration is from my lips to God's ear. Hanging in there right with you! Take good care of yourself **hug**
legcramps on 05/07/2008:
Are you giving yourself enough time to actually relax each day??? Sometimes, being so busy and stressed out will make you even more *hungry*. Just a thought. Take care of yourself!!