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Horn_of_plenty - Tuesday May 06, 2008

Weight: 135.0

I love you all for not just leaving me in the dust despite my inablity to maintain a healthy attitude for more than a day at a time.

Sunday is my last class and I agree that I should start RIGHT now being healthy. I should NOT binge all the way until I take the test. It is not necessary. The next two years, I'll be taking tests upon tests and then job interviews. Oh, and I just realized, the one program I have decided to go to does in fact accept a majority of candidates that are young like myself and in FABULOUS physical shape. I actually remember that quite well from when i interviewed there and also was taken around to observe by some current students. It would be frustrating to enter the program first day in September on a sour, depressed note. I do have a goal to change my attitude and current strategies of dealing with pain, negativity by then. I want to feel my best because this is a new door opening for me. Why would I want the door to close in my face because of my own self destruction.

I would equate my current eating/food/intake patterns to the lifestyle of a drug addict. I'm very serious. I'll do anything to get a "fix." I'll search the cabinets and closets in my house dry. I will find every last treat. Every morsel of anything that tastes good. It's getting very old. I really am an addict and although the feeling of being too full to even sleep is not a good one, my body practicially craves it. I focus on that miserable feeling, but it still blocks out other sad emotional thoughts.

I am just being honest in this entry. I am not very upset right now.

calories around 5,000.

no exercise.


I have a goal weight. It is not even questionable that it is a healthy one for me. I actually maintained between 110-115 for a least a period of 3 years. I am not weighing now to determine my current weight which is prob around 135.

Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

thinnsidenotout on 05/06/2008:
Maybe you should weigh.....Just to see for the "reality" factor.....I may be wrong, but you know how good you felt at that 110-115 and how rotten you feel @ the fact of allowing yourself be that "135ish".... I know how good I felt at the 150-155 mark, but kaboshed that is self-destruction modes...I so look forward to feeling "THAT GOOD" again someday, both physically and mentally....

Have a good one H~O~P {*;*}

rlovell on 05/06/2008:
HOPPPPPP~ Hi hop. I am so proud of your honesty even when it sounds nasty to you to say it out loud! I know the feeling of just being taken over by food. It is a SERIOUS addiction and unfortunately it is the only addiction in which we cannot be totally abstinent: AKA, we have to eat to live! I am not sure what else to tell you must to breathe, learn what you are covering by eating and your triggers. If this means you can only eat out with someone portioning food for you for awhile, then do it! Dont keep anything in the house until you have maintained a healthy relationship with what you bring in. Food is a source of pleasure and of sustinence- and I have for so many years had such a negative relationship with it that it saddens me very much. Try to change one small behavior...like dont keep any food there this weekend and stay home. See what happens- a lot of emotions may start to bubble and maybe you can start the process. I love and am thinking of you! R

WI3 on 05/07/2008:
Your frustration is from my lips to God's ear. Hanging in there right with you! Take good care of yourself **hug**

legcramps on 05/07/2008:
Are you giving yourself enough time to actually relax each day??? Sometimes, being so busy and stressed out will make you even more *hungry*. Just a thought. Take care of yourself!!

Horn_of_plenty - Monday May 05, 2008

Weight: 135.0

I am still having a difficult time with binging.

I binged big time...i'm laughing because i know better...sorry to disappoint but i did know this was going to probably be a stressful week. It turns out I didn't get into my top choice for school next year. But, I do know where I'll be going. I was planning on going to school each afternoon to study for my final, but now that I didn't get into the college that I'm taking this class at right now, I have decided that the rest of the week will be spent exercising and not studying as much as I originally thought I had to. My average is already an A and I don't have to be perfect on the last two tests.

Basically, I'm not sure why I thought I needed to actually go to the school to study. I'll just do my best from home. I'm done with this school and I will not be taking a summer course there (because I didn't get into their program so I don't need the course).

Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

thinnsidenotout on 05/05/2008:
Did you mail the important letters?...Did you go to the post office again?...Did you go to the park? How are your allergies?

Hope your evening is a good one!

shadetree on 05/05/2008:
An A in A&P? That's great! Especially in one of those marathon classes!

mmuraro on 05/05/2008:
Congrats on your grades! Now, I think your first step to control the binging should be taking this seriously, weighting yourself and posting your current weight and writing down your menus. make yourself right down everything you eat right after eating them. that should make you alarmed or at least annoyed and it may work to stop the binging. just a thought. xo.

rlovell on 05/05/2008:
hi hop. i am so sorry you are still in this mode, as i was doing this too for a really long period. prob for about 6 months i didnt leave my house! you are not alone. please write to me if you need direct support. do you live alone? love you chica.

smiley2 on 05/06/2008:
I am sorry to hear you didnt get into the school of your choice. Sometimes things happen for a reason, i do believe that, although the reason might only become apparent later one. Good luck with your studying and still give it your best! Wx

harleygirl79 on 05/06/2008:
You will be fine with the binging? Is it close to that TOM? I know I have an issue around then. Hope it gets better.

Horn_of_plenty - Sunday May 04, 2008

Weight: 135.0

before work: mail important letters...after work: post office again haha. I plan on going to the park after work unless my allergies act up then...and i plan on studying really hard! :)


I ended up having an evening snack putting today's cals at: 1930. but it wasn't a binge. so ok!...I CAN do this! yes i can!


Breakfast 1: apple 90

Breakfast 2: Cereal and milk: 180

Lunch: wrap with chicken: 230

Snack: tea 60

Snack: marathon protein bar and drink: 220

Dinner: We had a BBQ. Salad with dressing (60), 2 peppers with dressing (90), BIG piece of chicken (400?), wrap (100), small roasted potato in olive oil (200?) total here: 850 approx.

total: 1630. I think this is a good estimate.

Today was a busy day. My allergies were so bad when I went to pick up the newspaper at the supermarket at 7:30am this morning that I looked as if I were CRYING! I never had that before (and I'm also not taking any allergy medicine because I don't have insurance and don't like the over the counter stuff. I'd rather fight this season out! haha). So, for about 10 mintues my eyes were thrououghly tearing down my cheeks! So odd!

I had a test in my Anatomy and Physiology class today. This class was from 8:40am till 3pm. CRAZY! I couldn't wait for it to end since it's a VERY long class. I have an "A" average which is great. This is the last week of studying and I am SO excited about that. Time to make flashcards! After this week, I will definitely be on here religously and also commenting gallore!

exercise: walked 3 miles.

Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

mmuraro on 05/04/2008:
Sorry about your allergies, they can be really annoying. Your menu looks awesome though. Have you been going to bikram? And thanks for your support, it does feel good. I still have a lot of work ahead of me, but I feel so much better now, can't even describe and i think the fact i have been happy, things with the boy have been progressing, etc, it's all a consequence of me doing something good for myself! xo

rlovell on 05/04/2008:
you are doing so well. i am so happy to see you are back in the game! about a month ago, i was waking up every morning not able to see because of allergies...horrible! and even the RX meds make me feel so out of it, tired and crappy. hope the season is over soon. xoxo

thinnsidenotout on 05/04/2008:
Your sizzlin'!..... Glad to see another day gone successful for you as far as eating...Sorry about the allergies though...

Good Week To you..Taking, just one day at a time....

maria777 on 05/05/2008:
Wow, you are doing FANTASTIC!!! Keep up the good work! So happy for you and congratlations on your A average! YAYYYYY!!!! Big smile to you!

Horn_of_plenty - Saturday May 03, 2008

Weight: 135.0

breakfast: apple 100

lunch: wrap with grilled chicken (small wrap) 250

snack: 1/2 banana 50

dinner: out to eat for friend's bday: stir fry bok choy, small dumpling/fried shrimp appetizer, little bit coconut sticky rice, seared tuna (large piece) coffee total maybe 900

total 1300

30 min am walk, 40 min pm walk. all in all I consider this a very good day. tomorrow i have a test which i plan on doing very well on. :)

and like Thinn said, today was a good saturday from the time i woke up till the time i went to bed! :) Have a good day ladies.

Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

thinnsidenotout on 05/03/2008:
WhooooHoo!!!!! You go........

Love Ya!

rlovell on 05/04/2008:
look at that! change in behavior. i hope you felt much better physically and mentally from this change. love ya

maria777 on 05/04/2008:
Congratulations to you on your calories and exercise! YAYYYY!!!

Amen on the good Saturday and everyday with the Lord is a GOOD DAY!


Horn_of_plenty - Friday May 02, 2008

Weight: 135.0

binged. I can't believe it either.

5,000 cal.

Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

thinnsidenotout on 05/02/2008:
I think nothing less of you for doing so...Just as someone here probably would not think less of me for "going off the deep end" with my healthier eating stability.....

Stability is the core in all that we do if we plan on it lasting...Some are able to have that and others not..... What triggers you?...Stress?...Boredom?...Unhappiness in knowing that you probably will fail, even though you want to not bindge so badly it aches?....

Is this so bad and often enough that maybe you should seek out the advise of your physician? If you are in the weight range of 120-130...I doubt that you really are that "LARGE"...I know you are only 5'2" but, is your perception of a healthy "thin" that of societies guidelines or truly a need? You may have hormonal imbalance (thyroid, etc)...Sometimes things are just sheerly caused by a medical condition...

I don't know how to help you, other than to stick by your side in the good AND bad.....Just know that I genuinely DO CARE and it breaks my heart to see someone literally crying out for help and not knowing what to say that will "work"...

Has this been the norm for you since joining DD in 2006?.... Just trying to figure your patterns out and how long the short "good spirt" and then long "binging spirt" has been an issue? Most people would not stick with a forum like DD if it was something that has been going on for 2 years I wouldn't think, unless they were getting something out of it....

((((Hugs)))) from Washington State!

thinnsidenotout on 05/02/2008:
I totally understand as I can look at my weight over the last 10 years being 215 +, but never higher than 237....as being like a "D R A W N O U T" binging of sorts....

Thank You for answering the question and when you get back on top of your game, we can be doing this together (Ridding!)...

Heres to a better Saturday from the time you awake to the time you go to sleep.

rlovell on 05/03/2008:
i hope this day is getting easier for you. just love yourself for a second. xoxo

Horn_of_plenty - Thursday May 01, 2008

Weight: 135.0

i felt sick ALL night and today because of yesterday's binge. I still vow to stop this horrible cycle of binging. It's SO unhealthy. And, I look around, I see what a lifestyle like this can do to me. Nothing good. Most teachers in my school are quite healthy, but a minority demonstrate exactly why I need to change my ways!

breakfast: high carb, 410 cal.

snack: pineapple cottage cheese: 110

Lunch: apple and yogurt: 190

snack: tofu 170...ARG and then two granola bars 200

2 tomatoes, 2 orange peppers: 120


i had practically NO water because the town was flushing the drains. So, I was pretty dehydrated which added to my sick feeling.

Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

mmuraro on 05/01/2008:
im sorry. hope you feel better now. and think of this exact horrible feeling next time you're tempted on binging. xo.

rlovell on 05/01/2008:
i know how it goes, HOP. im so sorry you arent feeling up to par. the good news is, you can get back to where you were, just takes some determination. let your body and mind rest and then go back to the food...never approach it when you are stressy!!! easier said than done, but give it a shot. xoxo

glycrina on 05/01/2008:
thanks for the encouragement . . . it really does help. How did you eat 6000 calories? Did you eat an entire jar of Alfredo Sauce or just a Supersized meal at McDonalds? Nevermind don't tell me, you might give me ideas . . . hahaha. A few weeks ago I ate costco bag (usually about 2 pounds) full of cheesecake Hershey kisses, I never want to eat another one of those again, so I know how you feel. You will feel better when you are in control again.

maria777 on 05/01/2008:
Oh, no...that's not good to not get enough water in! I hope that since you keyed this entry you've got some water in and are feeling much better!!! Your menu today looks real good, especially the pineapple and apple.

thinnsidenotout on 05/01/2008:
I love how you say that some minority portray what you are trying to avoid... I am sure I have reflected that someone over the years myself... But, come this year's end..I look to be a totally different example....I had an instance in the "Goodwill" yesterday where 2 ladies were speaking about weight and how 50 extra pounds is such a bad thing for a woman's bones... As soon as the one lady turned the corner and saw me...She said to the other one "Oh, uh...Well, you know what I mean" and totally went onto another subject...The thing she DID NOT know was I AM doing something about my status...Happens to be I saw her leaving the store, lighting up a cigarette...Each of us has our own poison of choice! I was not offended by what she said, but sure did want to jump in the conversation and ask her exactly what she thought when she noticed me.... I guess that is one of the worst things about being as heavy as I am, is that you still are overweight, until you really lose a substantial amount & strangers don't see you out there walking those 6-8 miles...Crying for the mess you have allowed yourself to become....

Horn!...You need to wake up and be thankful that you are where you are right now and don't have to lose like I do... Binging is just as unhealthy as me being overweight...You know that & I am glad to see that you DID get sick...Sorry, but I am glad when I overeat and get sick..It is a REMINDER that we don't like to feel that way and have a choice about it....

Minute by minute & day by day.... Discipline will strengthen....

mcwoo40 on 05/02/2008:
Hiya,thanks for your comment.I'm stuffing my face too much aswell and you feel so uncomfortable afterwards.Come on we'll have to stop it,for me now it's a bad habit that has become routine.Take care,Julie

Horn_of_plenty - Wednesday Apr 30, 2008

Weight: 135.0

i had a good day but ended up binging. arg. better day tomorrow.

calories today around 5000-6000 (this is for me so i can look back and see). sorry to scare anyone!


felt really sick huge stomach pain up all night. not a good feeling. don't do it again!

Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

rlovell on 04/30/2008:
i had a slip too last night. BACK ON TRACK! i love you

mmuraro on 04/30/2008:
i just ate a whole bag of that jolly time microwavable pop corn and it was oooohhh so good, felt like is stuffed my face and it only has 90 cals. The whole bag! You should try it. It was a tip from rlovell. Xoxo

thinnsidenotout on 04/30/2008:
Here's to a better day tomoorow!....I love the mini bags of popcorn too, like rlovell & mmuraro....kettle or butter....

maria777 on 04/30/2008:
I've done that SOOO many times...you are not alone. At least you have an upbeat positive attitude about starting again tomorrow! Big smile to you!

thinnsidenotout on 04/30/2008:
Holy Poo Poo!... I have done that before too....Not in the last 13 weeks, but have done it.....Went overboard with trail mix today, but still went for a 6 miles walk.... When you binge.....still try to exercise...Some is better than none!

maria777 on 05/01/2008:
Watch out for those calories today! Hope you have a REAL GOOD DAY!!!!!

Horn_of_plenty - Tuesday Apr 29, 2008

Weight: 135.0

calories are probably more near 1650 since i went on to have some gum...like most of a pack. oh well. hopefully i burned enough calories despite that.

exercise: walked 4 miles with some difficulty...my ankle is not doing too well and i really should go to yoga tomorrow. i will see about that.

Today as been a MUCH better day.

wheatina with soymilk, cantelople, sf jelly: 300

sugar pills: 150 throughout day.

pineapple cottage cheese, large apple: 230

2 tomatoes, tofu: 140...and 2wraps 340

dinner: HUGE bowl of peppers, pickles, celery with light dressing, tofu 2 pieces

total 1575

The sugar pills I'm talking about are over the counter and usually near the pharmacy section. They're basically just glucose and are flavored. They look like big smartees candies. They have 15 calories each and are packaged 10 in a package. I think they are helping with cravings and energy levels. I guess you can consider them the same as candy, but I need something throughout the morning to regulate my blood sugar better. This is helping a bit while still keeping calories low.

Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

legcramps on 04/29/2008:
My lips puckered when I read 'pineapple cottage cheese' in your entry... though i'm not really sure why :)! I thought it was funny though, so I had to tell you!

Have a great week!

maria777 on 04/29/2008:
That's probably no different than having 2 or 3 pieces of gum to help one not give in to sugar cravings...I do the same thing, just in a different way...I make myself a mug of cocoa, using 1 tsp. sugar, a little cocoa powder, about 1 tsp. powdered milk and add water and wala...sugar craving abated!!! Hope you are having a wonderful day! Big smile to you, Friend!

thinnsidenotout on 04/29/2008:
Glad to see you are doing good still and finding what works for cravings is great!

rlovell on 04/29/2008:
good work today! thanks for explaining the sugar pills as i wasnt quite sure what you were describing. hope you are having a fabulous evening! xoxo

maria777 on 04/29/2008:
Hope your ankle feels better!

Beth201P on 04/29/2008:
Good job on finding something to help with the cravings. Keep up the good work.

maria777 on 04/30/2008:
Hope you're having a good morning! Big smile to you!

Horn_of_plenty - Monday Apr 28, 2008

Weight: 135.0

I had a few more sugar pills in the evening, which really boosted my overall intake to around 1700. This is a bit too high for the weightloss I want. I will look to improve on that Tuesday! :)

all in all, a good day. Someone stole my extra large teacup at work so when i wanted tea with my yogurt and large apple i couldn't have it!!! :( I was tempted by bagels and had a whole one. If I had my tea, I probably would have been able to forgo a bagel. oh well, but calories still worked out pretty well.

breakfast: cereal, fruit, soymilk, sf jelly: 320

diabetic sugar pills throughout day: 100

large apple, yogurt, bagel: 600

tofu, wrap: 260

tofu, many veggies with some dressing, hot veggies in tomato sauce: 360

total: 1640. Good, I would have preferred something in the 1500s but this isn't so far off and I did exercise.

exercise: 1hr.

have a good evening everyone. I will DEFINITELY make the gym a priority for the remainder of this year now that I have a LOT of time. Although next week might involve a lot of studying for my final two tests...but I will keep in mind that I have done well all semester and now I truly NEED to focus on my fitness. I must enter the summer much fitter. I may be taking a class in July and for 5 weeks it'll be rough with also working full time...so I want to do everything I can right now to get a head start!

Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

rlovell on 04/28/2008:
THANK YOU for your encouragement to get back and face the scale...wasnt as bad as i had thought it would be!! you did great and guess what! you had the bagel and didnt binge after- you had healthy foods and probably ate less because you allowed yourself the treat. this is a good pattern to set up for your body. i am proud of you! xoxo

rlovell on 04/28/2008:
ps- what are diabetic sugar pills?

thinnsidenotout on 04/29/2008:
Have a wonderful day...

Horn_of_plenty - Sunday Apr 27, 2008

Weight: 135.0

I am so excited that I had a good day. But, I must remember, this is for the long run. I do not want to have to EVER loose 25lbs, 20lbs, 15lbs, or 10 lbs again! This is the start to a weight loss that I want to be permanent. Nothing is "forbidden." I will focus on low cal and satisfying foods as I always try to within moderation. I have a goal and I will reach it. Although I still don't want to, I think I MUST go to yoga tomorrow. My ankle is not feeling right (I broke it years ago and it gets inflamed whenever i increase exercise too much) and yoga seems to always help it. Have a GREAT monday. I am feeling better and I will try to retain this positive energy. It helps to know I have an easy week ahead in terms of studying. This means I have more time for exercise and well being! :)


Late afternoon entry: The bodies exhibit was great. I recommend it to anyone interested in seeing what exactly is underneath our skin! And...I didn't get lost! wonderful. the directions to get there were VERY simple. I didn't give into any NYC food temptations, either.



a big bowl of oatmeal/milk = 300 cal.

Snack 1: apple, pineapple cottage cheese 210

No real lunch

sucking candies: 50

snack 2: Dunkin Donuts iced coffee 75

Snack 3: cucumber/cherry tomatoes/spray dressing/2 pieces cajun flavored tofu 280...and gave into temptation with a very carby wrap of 170 cal.

Dinner: Large apple and tofu and one sucking candy: 230

1315 cal - Finally! :)


AM Entry:

I'm up early and didn't expect rain. I was going to ride on my bike to get the newspapers this morning. So I drove instead.

I plan to go to the human body exhibit at the South Street Seaport in NYC today. The bodies are real and have been preserved. Some show the effects of illness like diabetes or liver problems and many other things. The website online is: http://www.bodiestheexhibition.com/

My professor from my Anatomy and Physiology class said it would be a good idea to go and I'm interested. Hopefully I'll find my way there and get off at the correct subway stop. I'm TERRIBLE with directions lol.

I was heavily thinking about going to yoga this morning but I still don't want to. (I have an UNLIMITED PASS!). I still don't feel good about myself yet to show up. I know that I shouldn't wait because who knows when I will feel better. I may start this week. It will be an easy week studying because I pretty much memorized more than 75% of the information for the test next sunday already.

I would like to get in about 1550 calories today. That's my goal.


Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!

thinnsidenotout on 04/27/2008:
Here's to meeting your goal for today and for getting to yoga soon..May make you feel better if you were to go.... : - )~

glycrina on 04/27/2008:
I love my yoga class even though everyone in my class is size negative something, but I hate working out however I sincerely enjoy yoga (most of it anyway). I saw the bodies exhibit in Philly a couple years ago. It was interesting. I wish you good luck on your test.

glycrina on 04/27/2008:
Re: MAY 27th!!!! HERE's to making to the end of MAY!!

Beth201P on 04/27/2008:
You have fun and I would get lost myself. LOL I have not had the nerve to go to any workout classes myself. Hang in there. Have a great week.

mmuraro on 04/27/2008:
Congrats on the calories today! You did wonderful! I have a friend who is an exhibit specialist and he helps building the bodies exhibits around the world and the US. What a cool job, huh! xo

rlovell on 04/27/2008:
good job today- i like that you replaced the food hunger with intellectual hunger...those exhibits are so neat- we had one like it in atlanta. get to yoga sooner rather than later. i know how it is to feel uncomfortable, but as soon as you make the choice to be there, you will WANT to be back. xoxo

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