Wed morning edit: I just took a slow 45 min walk on the treadmill. I'm feeling soooo tired. I wish vacation started today. My plan is to come home and sleep...and not eat. I eat when i'm tired, but what i really need is to catch up on the sleep that i've been missing for over a week now.
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does it make sense that all i want to do is escape from everything, loose weight, know an answer to my currently undecided future, and come back a different person? that's how i've felt this whole school year. life is moving downhill this year...and its upsetting. there's not much i can actually do at my job, since its for a year and i just need to stick with it.
this evening, i was looking at someone's pictures online that i haven't seen for at least like 10 years! she looks so good - and you can tell she's incorporated a ton of fitness and activity into her life.
what's wrong with me? I know i can be VERY lazy, at times. honestly, i have no idea what i want anymore. but, i can tell you, i am sick of ,,y life and what i do everyday. i'm bored and at the same time tired out. maybe i just need some sleep - i haven't had a good night's sleep in over a week. and being full like this, i doubt i'll sleep well tonight, either.
i'm supposed to go on a date with someone from online soon - but i don't want to. i don't feel good about myself...and i won't in this weekend or next week. like i said earlier, i want to disappear...not literally. i just want to change myself...and come back better. I hate how i look and i know how to make the changes. but, at the same time, i just want to get away, from everyone and anyone. :(
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i don't know if its depression or not. honestly, it probably isn't. i just don't have a decided future and i'm having a difficult time with life.
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exercise in AM: one full hour, yay.
23 hours, 30 min :)
after work turned deadly, though. i binged on brownies, cookies, yogurt, bread.
total cal: 3050...hopefully no more!
no yoga tonight. i've also decided to take the night off from volunteering. i need to catch up on sleep and re-evaluate my goals. (health goals, that is.)
Progress as of today: -5 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
I'm gonna try hour walks for now on in the morning during the work week. I think that will make me totally comfortable about not doing any other cardio later in the day, unless i want too! :)
Tuesday morning edit: my binge yesterday afternoon is probably linked to the fact that i was going to attend a music concert for the school i work at. Going to the concert brings back HUGE emotional feelings. after all, my degrees are in music and it is difficult to sit in the audience, knowing i am trained as a teacher and not teaching music this year...instead just working as a teaching assistant. so, today's a new day...and my success is NOT over. I may have said that by 25 I wanted to be done binging...but at least I have a long ways till I'm 26...and i'm working at this...working hard. Today, I'm skipping my volunteer work after school. I need a break. I will probably go to yoga, perhaps taking a nap after school since I woke up a bit on the early side this morning, i couldn't sleep AT ALL. I woke up at 5am. Yesterday, i was falling asleep at work. The past 7 days, my sleep patterns have been really bad. Every night i was losing at least an hour and on the weekend i wasn't able to catch up! I don't want to end this work week majorly tired and head into a vacation that way...so i've decided to rest up tonight. :)
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Hi. I'm still having MAJOR binging issues. I was really, really tired today, which doesn't help things.
anyway, i ate good all day. came home and binged on a bazillion brownies amongst other things.
4300 cal.
even though i'll be full and that means difficulty going to sleep, my goal is to go to sleep early, like as soon as I can after I come back home from watching the elementary school concert. hopefully before 9pm. boy did i make a mistake to binge again! nothing i can do now!
total exercise: 40 min.
22hrs, 30 min....i can do it! i can do it! :)
Progress as of today: -5 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
A diet diary can only do so much, sometimes our 'willpower' needs the help of a professional who can diagnose and treat what is wrong. We just have to be willing to take that leap of faith.
I wish you all the best! After all you are OUR HOP!
ok, so my stomach is screwed up because it is still REALLY full, even when I am hungry...I guess you can say I am bloated from yesterday.
I did, in fact, go to yoga twice today! :) Exercise, haha,because of double yoga, is 3 hours!!! wow. i wish i did cardio too, but no.
total dec. exercise: 21 hours, 50 min :)
calories are around 1200 and probably not any higher.
Yoga was not easy on some poses today because it was hard to bend over with a bloated stomach. I plan to go to yoga as often as possible and hopefully I will remember that pigging out isn't worth it. lol. again I say it!
moving on, this is my last week of teaching before christmas break, yay. I'll be going to a couple concerts this week...one of the kids in my school and another where a friend of mine is the band teacher. I'm excited for both! :) Hopefully, i'll be able to fit yoga in beforehand. since my parents are away, i'll have my dad's car to use while my sister takes mine to the train (my car has the parking sticker on it). I should be able to get to yoga right away after school! then, off to the concerts i go! :) I'm praying this week goes as FAST as POSSIBLE! Just like I pray that the weight comes off as fast as possible, although we know that that is never the case...patience is what we need!
over break, i would like to set a promise with myself of 1500 cal per day. I think I can definitely manage that...I just need to plan everything out beforehand...
ok, enough rambling, goodnight.
Progress as of today: -5 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
take care of you and have fun.. hugs
Sunday, 9:55am edit:
sorry for all the edits. It's just that I am going through a difficult transition these past few months...and turning to food and trying to fix that. yesterday, after surgery, even though i was mostly in very low grade pain, i comforted myself with food in the evening. I do know better. I also ate a lot for breakfast. However, I've resolved to go to yoga at 10:30, although some of the poses will be difficult and I may lay out because of being full. I will also go at 3pm...and walk on the treadmill later as well. I'll pick up some low cal drinks and yogurt and nuts later, too. Laslty, I'll pick up a starbuck's giftcard for a coworker. Those are my ONLY plans.
Sunday, 2:25am edit:
so I woke up because my sister got home...don't worry, i'm not complaining. I had to use the bathroom as well... I'm looking in the mirror muttering, "What did I do!? I can do better...Why did you eat 5500 calories, you didn't need that! Now you feel sick and cannot go to yoga tomorrow!" (It's impossible to bend over with a stomach that is protruded...it'll make you feel sicker!!). I know what I have to do and i'm not worried...this binge may have set me back, but NOT for long!!! I'll be ok everyone.
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Saturday, 10pm edit:
bad choice: 5,500 calories again today. It was an evening binge. I obviously will prob not do yoga in the am, unless I want to throw up during practice from fullness!
evening edit: the pain got better after taking tylenol! :) i went to the mall and got a great deal on some things i picked up: 3 FREE pairs of Victoria's secret underswear and four pairs of earring from The Limited for only $2.50 combined!!! how awesome! I had some really great coupons.
I had a huge dinner: eggs and multiple packages of seasoned, microwaved veggies. I only chewed on the other side of my mouth. Then, I ate NUTS. of all things, I had one of the hardest to chew foods out there. Everything went fine, i was chewing on my left side so that the side from surgery wasn't affected at all! :) I was careful. :)...AND THEN I BINGED ON BROWNIES, ETC.
I might exercise a bit more later. No yoga today. However, I do plan on TWO yoga classes tomorrow, as long as I feel alright when I get up.
exercise so far: 35 min :)
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1:30pm Saturday:
...Yes, the pain has gotten worse!!!
I had the surgery this morning! I was in at 9 and out by 9:50! Talk about fast and efficient! I wasn't put to sleep, just numbing the area. I did this because I didn't want to have a problem getting home.
I was actually up at 4am...went with my SISTER, yes - she ended up coming too, to bring my parents to the airport. My sister actually did the driving on the way back since my parents wanted to go in the bigger vehicle (which she sometimes drives and I never to because I have my own car) because they had a lot of luggage to bring for their vacation - a cruise!!! After that, i went back to sleep for a little, then did a fast 35 minutes on the treadmill.
Progress as of today: -5 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
Way to shop!! I love finding good buys. You did good!!
When I got my wisdom teeth out I ended up gaining weight from all the ice cream the well-intentioned friends brought me. (I was in no real pain, so I was eating normally, PLUS the ice cream - I think there was six gallons of different flavors when I got back from the doctor's...)
In the MORNING i am now up to doing 40 minutes of walking and i try for 7 days a week.
today's exercise: 2 hrs, 10 min. walking and yoga.
total ex: 18 hrs, 15 min :)
today's calories: 1050 :) feels great. actually, the portions were good. i tell you, keeping busy helps me. i'm slightly but not totally nervous about this weekend...i am getting my teeth pulled, so that will probably prevent some eating. I'm hoping to not be in pain, so i can do yoga.
tomorrow i wake up really early to drive my parents to the airport - for their vacation for a week. my mom asked me last minute, which wasn't so nice especially since its at 5am. I wish she would have given me prior notice. i asked if she asked my sister and she said my sister isn't used to driving. i mentioned then that she should come for the ride too...my mom totally thought it was unnecessary, so it's just me who'll be driving them.
after that, i plan on 40 min walk and then i go to the oral surgeon for my teeth. after that, i may do some fast shopping...prob not. i may just come home for a bit. lol. maybe get a movie. i don't have a set plan. later, at 5pm, i'm hoping i'll be well enough for yoga. however, now i remember the snow storm may prevent that. on sunday, i would like to go to yoga 2x...morning and afternoon...but, once again, that may be prevented due to the storm. yuck.
today was a challenging day, emotionally. lots of things happened...but i'm too tired to discuss. nothing really bad, maybe i'll write about all that tomorrow.
goodnight all.
Progress as of today: -5 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
I've done two sessions a day a few times, but it's not something I can do all the time. Occasionally I can rev myself up for it and do just fine.
Do you have any favorite asanas? And which are the ones you hate? For me, those are the ones involving upper body strength. I'm terrible at it, yet when it comes to flexibility I'm great and really enjoy doing those.
Yoga is so good at allowing you to focus your mind. For me that means thinking about what I'm doing and how I'm doing it. Nothing else is on my mind for 1.5 hrs., and then when the class ends I leave still thinking about what I've just done. Food doesn't enter the picture.
As for this weekend for you, play it by ear and see how you feel after the extraction. Yoga might be helpful, but if you're not up to it, don't push it. Remember, in yoga, you only do what your body allows you to do. Never force it.
i had a splurge on peanut butter and cashews after work today after dinner.
so, calories could have been much lower. but, after adding 1200 calories in just peanut butter and cashews, my total is 2200. overall, that's ok i guess. at least i'll be performing yoga tonight! :)
total exercise: 2 hrs, 5 min :)
total ex: 16 hrs, 5 min :)
i think the nuts i've been eating has been beneficial to my hair, skin, nails...and overall health. i'm gonna try to keep this up for awhile! :)
on weekends, i will not eat as much nuts because I like more filling, bulky foods rather than calorie dense ones. I get two wisdom teeth out this saturday...i cannot wait!!! :) i can't wait because i really don't need anymore problems on that side of my mouth! i'll definitely do yoga Friday...hopefully i'll feel ok by Saturday at 5pm to take that yoga class so i don't miss a day. I really am going to try to do yoga most days of the week!
Progress as of today: -5 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
Haha. And I've never heard anyone EXCITED about getting out wisdom teeth, but I'm glad you won't be feeling any more pain! :) I hope the surgery goes well! Have a great weekend HoPs!
...she got a parking ticket using my car and i had to pay for the stamp...37 cents is not a lot by any means, but she needs to learn to pay for her own stuff. honestly, why did i even provide the stamp!? lol, now that i look back on it, i don't know WHAT i was thinking. let her get one on her own. she has yet to pay me 37 cents and its been almost a month! i've asked her PLENTY of times. she is just one inconsiderate person i tell you. i DON'T know WHAT IT TAKES.
edit: once again, my annoying sister gets in the shower the minute i get home from yoga. she is SO UTTERLY RUDE. she drives my car every morning and hardly thanks me for it as i am stranded after work unless i want to get it...which is not enjoyable in the cold, after work. she is just so uncaring. I don't get it. and soon she won't get my car anymore. and if she uses up the hot water....there's no saying how i will react. how dare her be so inconsiderate.
btw, i do hot yoga and i come home a dripping mess. it's late...10pm and i'd like to go to bed. she is just rude and demanding. she's purely spoiled when it comes to anything in this house. she's done it again. i really don't know what it takes to teach her a lesson. i can't wait for her to move out...she's supposed to sometime after the new year. it can't come soon enough and then she'll see how tough it is outside this house! i can't wait till her first fight with her roommate. i know it'll happen sooner rather than later. no one is going to put up with the crap that we, my family, puts up with. loser.
I needed to vent. thanks.
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tonight i've had to fight major urges to overeat! I did give in a couple times by having a huge thing of tea....then another drink. but, i'm refusing to get up to get anymore food. i am actually full. so, i don't need food!
calories have been remarkable, to say the least. i'm very happy - 1,000 calories at the moment. honestly, i shouldn't need to eat again for the rest of the night since i already had dinner at 5pm. i have yoga at 8pm and the plan is to go to bed after...i agree with geevee that yoga, at least yoga in the evening, doesn't spark my appetite. in the morning or afternoon, i usually come back STARVING. however, that might also be cravings in my head!
exercise is good, too. today will be 2 hrs, 5 min! yay! :)
i didn't work myself to the max at yoga yesterday, which is GOOD. i'm not sore...which is GOOD. i actually want to get into a routine of going to yoga EVERYDAY. why not!? it's paid for a year...i can go as often as i like.
total ex: 14 hours!!! yay!
Progress as of today: -5 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
I am glad you are doing so well with yoga. I've always wanted to try!
Best of luck today!
today was a good day because there was a plan of attack!
exercise: 35 min AM plus YOGA! finally, i went to my second class. It took over a week to get back into it!
Total exercise: 2hrs, 5 min :)
total ex: 11 hrs, 55 min! :)
total cal: about 1300. I'm ecstatic. now, i just need to continue this way!
oh, the plan of attack included volunteering and yoga after work today. I volunteered from 5-7 and went to yoga from 8-9:30pm...yes, they do have classes that late! so, this prevented a binge.
Progress as of today: -5 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
When my husband has to work late or go to basketball practice and I have the evening to myself, I make sure to have a plan to keep myself busy. Sometimes I work late, or I go to a supermarket on the other side of town, or I plan to cook something elaborate which I know will keep me busy. If I just sit at home watching T.V. by myself, I know I'll spend the whole night eating. Just don't put yourself in that situation, and you'll be surprised at how easy it can be!
So when you get home, try to concentrate on how good you feel and visualize the postures you did to your satisfaaction. I would think negatively about the rolls of fat that would come down to choke me when I'd do the shoulder stand which I totally DETESTED! I'd think that a posture that made me feel so awful couldn't be good for me! Looking at myself in a leotard and tights was enough to make me lose my appetite. That's why I prefer that apparel to loose fitting yoga pants. There's no incentive in wearing them.
The more yoga classes you attend, the more you willwant to go. Believe me, you CAN lose weight doing yoga and not even thinking about it.
oh my. i really did binge today, monday, after yesterday's rambling about giving my word to end it all.
so, basically, buying new clothes made me able to binge more. just kidding, it does need to stop. it's harder than i thought this would be.
calories: 5,000 in mostly carbs. the binge could have been prevented and was after work. It lasted 1.5 hours.
basically, i want to be able to eat everything and still lose weight. i know i can do this with moderation, but i'm afraid to not get full. the road ahead is going to be a challenge and i will have to prove i'm ready...when i'm ready?
55 min exercise.
total ex: 9 hrs, 50 min....it's gonna get better! :)
Progress as of today: -5 lbs lost so far, only 20 lbs to go!
I *love* bread and grain products - I started eating whole grains a few years ago and that's good, but I can still stuff my face. I really struggle with this and it sounds like you do, too. Are you consciously eating 5,000 calories? I mean, do you sit down at a quiet dinner table and eat that much in one sitting? Try it sometime. When you want to eat, sit down at the table and eat. And don't read a book or watch t.v., or fiddle with anything else but your food. Your stomach may not actually feel as empty as you think.
It's really hard to break out of a binge cycle. Sometimes will-power isn't enough. Try to make it physically impossible for yourself. Go somewhere after work - somewhere you can't go on an hour-long binge. Go to the gym or a mall or a movie or something. Go for a really long walk and don't stop until you're exhausted - then you still have to walk back! Get in a really good workout - you won't want to undo all that work with a binge. Don't just rely on yourself to avoid the food when you're sitting in the midst of it. That's like trying to quit smoking but carrying a pack of cigarettes around with you. No-one could do it!
Make things easier on yourself!
today's exercise: 40 min.
total exercise: 8 hrs, 55min
My bingefest is over. I end the day with 5950 calories. (approx. 6,000).
So, tomorrow starts my challenge. A better entry would read TODAY starts my challenge.
So, as Biscottibody writes certain goals for herself, I have a goal for myself:
loose about 20 lbs in 20 weeks. As long as I stick to fitness and calories, this is MORE than realistic.
It's Done. If I offend everyone with these really dramatic, unrealistic, entries, sorry.
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If i stick to a diet for 20 weeks, I will be how I want to look. 20 weeks sounds challenging, but definitely doable. 20 weeks takes me all the way to April 27th! My gosh, that's such a long ways away!!! I have to prove to MYSELF that this is worth it. I need to take ONE day at a time... I want this sooo bad. There's nothing stopping me except for my MIND. Wrong choices are NOT worth it. JUST NOT WORTH IT.
calories so far: 4760. people would never think its possible!
Nobody said change is easy. I've chosen to spend the day at home for the most part. I will be stopping by Old Navy to pick up some pants that fit. Hopefully they'll be a very reasonable price.
I'm going to read. Maybe start a journal. I just had a snack, even though I'm still full from the morning. I guess sometimes you need to revisit the past before making changes so that you don't stay in the past. What I mean is, I think I needed to gain weight in order to realize it is possible and that i don't want to continue on this type of journey. I'm not sure if this is logical.
For some reason, I have Jeno's microwavable pizza on my mind. It's in my house. I didn't buy it...it's not mine. Maybe I should go to yoga at 3pm even though i'm full? It'll be difficult to do some of those poses. Plus, i need to buy pants for work and if I go to yoga I can't buy the pants. so, yeah, yoga's out for today. I'm not worried about my membership...even if i didn't go a whole month, i'd make up for it in the end.
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interestingly, i go from wanting to "look hot" right before bed to a terrible morning binge. i couldn't exercise inside on the treadmill, because my dad was. but, i didn't have to binge. cakes, cookies, yogurts, everything.
so, now it's time to calculate: 4000 cal for breakfast!
i told myself just now that this was the last straw. the problem is that i don't like to intuitive eat. i'm afraid to. so, once i start to eat past full, the binge begins...
i have to purchase at least two pairs of pants today because my others don't fit and its embarassing. I am started my diet again. I'll try my best. I have been getting better at noticing my feelings before a binge, even if it doesn't appear that way to you.
i will concentrate on my breathing and go to yoga. I know i can overcome these negative thoughts. I know it.
Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!
I'll never forget the day when I was walking out to the parking lot and someone coming toward me said, "Did you just come from a yoga class?" "yes." "I knew it!" You looked so relaxed and calm."
I was, but what amazed me was how noticeable it was to others.
If it's not too late, I'd go straight to yoga and then go shopping for pan ts. The stores are open late at this time of year. You could probably do both if you chose to.
Not sure if any of this is relevant but just thought I might share my thoughts with you!
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I have found myself in a few binges latley too - BUT you are a lot braver than me. You at least cound the calories. I never want to know!!
shadetree on 12/18/2007:
HOP, I agree with WI2, I really do think that you need to go talk to a doctor and figure out just why this is happening, whether physical or mental. Sometimes we cannot do it all ourselves and we need outside help. It is not a bad thing to need help with a problem - but it can take a lot of strength to admit that we need help. I hope you can find the strength to do whatever it is that you need to do for yourself.
fritters on 12/18/2007:
Horn Of Plenty - I am really concerned after reading your edit. You sound very depressed. A lor of school districts offer a counceling service free of charge. Is there anything available to you? I really think that you need to talk to a professional. They may be able to give you some advice on the benging also.
Is this normally a hard time of year for you? Are you missing anyone in your life that makes the holidays harder? You ususlly sound pretty up-beat, even when describing a binge. I am worried about you and hope you have someone (a real face to face person) that you can talk to.
Please take care of your self. Blessings Fritters
hollybelle on 12/19/2007:
First of all, you are not lazy. You are about the most consistent exerciser on here and you are always on the go. I don't know if you are depressed or not, but you may be in what is commonly referred to as a "rut". It happens to lots of people at different times in their lives. I experienced this in my early 20's and in the last few years some, too - kind of a place where you aren't particularly totally miserable, but you sure aren't satisfied with life, either. It is by going in search of that satisfaction that drives us to our destructive behaviors, sometimes. I think the idea of a counselor is a a good one because those are the people who are nutral third parties who can help us figure out what we want to do "next". Worked for me. I hope you will consider it and not look at it as a "weakness" to seek outside advice.
workingit2 on 12/19/2007:
The only advice I can keep giving you is to go see a doctor and rule out any medical problems that you may have, including depression. Often, people who are depressed don't know they are depressed or people who are counted on to be the strong person or the one who always gives and bends for others, won't allow themselves to think they are depressed or that anything could be wrong. Your entry about wanting to go away and come back better is something I, myself, say when I am getting into my depression and that, as well as other things, is a signal to me that I need to go back on my medication for a little while until things even out.
There is nothing, nothing, nothing wrong with seeking outside advice. Trying to do everything ourselves is sometimes more exhausting than it needs to be.
I lived a lot of years trying to correct things on my own because I didn't want to go to the doctor and admit that I couldn't handle my own life. That having my kids was too much stress. That I couldn't be the perfect wife, mother, sister, daughter, etc. All those thoughts swirled around in my head all the time and no matter how many pages I wrote in my diary (pen and paper version), nor how many times I prayed, etc. I couldn't shake what was inside me. When I finally got help, it was too late to stop the nervous breakdown that happened and put me in hospital for two weeks. I tried hard to be everything that I thought I should be, that I thought everyone wanted me to be...it took my mind breaking into a million pieces to show me that I didn't need to do EVERYTHING or have all the answers RIGHT NOW. I went on medication, went to counseling, saw a proper batch of MD's and began to heal my mind. Just because something earth-shattering hasn't happened doesn't mean you can't be depressed. And what you think are minor issues, can be major issues when someone has depression or another medical condition.
I am going to bow out of your journal with giving you advice, much like biscotti did, because I am only going to keep saying the same thing. Those of us who have watched you struggle are pulling for you always..and you have my support.
Seek professional help. We will be here to support you in friendship. You are worth every second you can spend getting your thoughts collected and your path corrected. And it CAN happen and it WILL happen. Don't wait too long like I did, that is the hard way. Anyway, please take care of yourself.
Donkey on 12/19/2007:
I can't really add much more than what has already been said about the eating. So let me address your 45 min walk this morning. There could be several reasons for feeling tired: not used to exercising in the morning, depressed, bingeing. I've been struggling with the eating too, and my morning workout today was SO. HARD. I couldn't do everything I wanted to do, and that which I was able to do was incredibly difficult (which it should not be).
Anyway, my point is, if you truly intend on becoming a morning exerciser, don't give up after today. It takes about a week to get into the "groove" (and then it does feel great, because it's a wonderful way to start the day). But if you are eating a bunch of crap, you won't feel good about exercising, working, being, life in general. But then, that's what others have already said, so I've said enough. Don't give up!!!