Evening edit: My body remained full many hours after all that food, but my head (maybe due to the insulin changes...but this happened during the fast, too) and stomach wanted something later on. I had 4 plum tomatoes. I didn't want to have protein. LOL. I changed my mind. Protein will begin tomorrow afternoon. Egg and veggies.
I walked 4.5 miles today as exercise...but there was some other movement as well. I'm happy about today.
I'm not going to record calories for the time being.
total exercise: 1 hr, 30 min :)
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Afternoon entry:
Had a green drink with carrot, celery, romaine for breakfast.
walked 3 miles at the park
then, had another drink of spinach, celery, and apple.
came home, drank some kombucha...which lead to breaking my liquid fast:
i proceeded to have a plum...followed by two cups of grapes, and then three cups of salad, followed by two cups of potato leek soup with no added salt.
I didn't plan to end with a large volume of food...but, fasting doesn't clear up eating disorders!!!
so, at least the foods were healthy!
Progress as of today: 3.4 lbs lost so far, only 5 lbs to go!
The weight is after not eating, just waking up Sunday morning. I do not plan to gain weight back...as I will adjust my diet so that I am not just flooding my system after 5 days of water fasting. Today, Sunday, I will exercise normally. I will have some exercise in the AM and PM. It will total 5 miles. I will have liquid calories to help me get through it.
Saturday evening entry:
exercise: 1 mile: 20 min.
hi all!.
i almost broke down and had food instead of liquids today. ahh! but, i didn't.
i'm making one alteration in my plan...tomorrow evening i'll have food...eggs
throughout the day, any and all liquids.
the fast is all about mind of matter. I've done a pretty good job...just the thought of not being able to eat normally on the first few days of work is unsettling...as its a new place i'll be working. so, it is what it is. i'm make sure i don't seem crazy. work starts tuesday. the liquid fast ends sunday evening...monday will be light foods...same with tuesday and wednesday as well as the rest of the week.
on the weekend, i'll have to watch myself and calm myself. I am no longer teaching any music lessons or playing in any groups..i've had the whole day free...and from lack of energy, not really used it to exercise. i like to exercise. so, in the future, i'll use my time for that purpose...and not to fast.
Progress as of today: 3.4 lbs lost so far, only 5 lbs to go!
total AUG exercise: 45 hrs, 50 min!
Friday:
exercise: 10 min (but i was moving around for a lot of the day)
total AUG. exercise: 45 hrs, 50 min. If i didn't do this water/juice fast i would have met the 50 hours.
oh, and i do miss the exercise 100%
i'm getting really frustrated. I know this conductor who's famous for writing many articles in the major music encyclopedia called The Grove. His music is his life, he's in his 80's. He tells me to go apply in NYC...i don't want to. I'm not. He says to respond to his email after I've applied in the city. I will respond anyway...and tell him that i will apply in the city for next year and that this year has been decided. I'm long gone..and not making any changes for my job for this year. I've had enough. I'm burned out.
i've been running around all day. I took a teaching assistant job in the school that's actually right across the street from my house. I guess i'll save money not driving to work! haha. It pays 19000 no benifits. also, i didn't even interview for the 55,000 band job. I have made up my mind right now. I knew i wasn't in a good situation to walk into an interview today, 3 workdays before school starts. that's not good. also, i feel unprepared...and i'm looking to do something else with my life. that band job would have been highly stressful...AND, i doubt i'd be able to spend as much energy volunteering and applying to hospital programs for radiography. some people would think this was a stupid mistake. but, it's my life...and i don't.
I've already observed radiology in one hospital and i'm going to volunteer three days a week...each day at a different hospital. I"m doing this because I KNOW it'll help me get into a program. and i HAVE to get in. if i don't i WILL have to go back to music...and i would begin interviewing in the spring for NYC public schools. some are good...it's just not my passion right now...and i know it'll never be. I don't hate it;but i don't love it. I'd rather do radiography by far. It is something i've chosen and i'm working towards and i will give it all of my energy when i'm in class for it in 2008...as you can see, i have high hopes to get in.
Progress as of today: 3.4 lbs lost so far, only 5 lbs to go!
Enjoy the website, I know I do...just finished reading all of the previous newsletters. I cannot wait for my books to arrive, she is a good motivator for rawfoodism.
I don't blame you for not applying for the band job. Money ain't everything, and there's no sense in doing something that you don't enjoy. Or something that would set you up for stress, anxiety, and misery, which is what it sounds like because school starts in a few days for you (we already finished our first week). Even though you need a job, you can still afford to be somewhat selective. Good luck, Horn!
As for your decision not to seek the position in a band - if you made up your mind about applying to the radiology school and don't enjoy playing music for living - why be miserable? I hope the job you got will allow you time to work towards your new career path.
I have no doubts that you can get into radiology school. You have 2 degrees behind you so that shows that you have smarts AND you finish things you start. So if you can get good recommendations you should be set. Do not hesitate to either tell or write up a list of strong points that you want your references to say about you (if you can). I know you can do it.
15 min exercise. no meeting 50 hrs for august. but i did to a pretty darn good job anyway..
total aug exercise: 45 hrs, 40 min
i had a cup of juice/tea
Thursday edit: so far so good. I plan on drinking a ton of water...or whatever i need...to get me through the morning. I have an interview at 12:15...then, i'll make sure i have water to drink after. then, i'll stop by the park later. I may possibly go buy another shirt for tomorrow's interview...not sure. I'd rather save the money...
============================================
total exercise: 45 hrs. 25 min Wednesday:
sooo...so far i've had nothing today...except plenty of water.
however, right now, 7:42pm, i can tell i'm experiencing withdrawal symptoms that have almost led me to cave in. I almost went downstairs to get a drink of something that wasn't water. If i did it, there would be food to follow!
i'm slightly nervous about thursday...i have a really short interview for a teaching assisant position...friday, i have another short interview in the school across the street from my house.
when i'm on an interview, there's the andrenaline going...so, that's what i figure will happen for these short interviews. LOL, i don't want to give in. I want to contnue this detox/fast regime until monday morning. 5 days! crazy, yes.
after that, my plan is to begin with a green vegetable drink...that i'll get from a nearby health store...to speak to the woman there...and then eat fruit/veg only on Monday. I'm so glad i have no major responsibilities this weekend. I do have to buy another shirt, possibly - i really don't want to spend anymore money - for friday's interviewsince i don't want to wear the same thing as thursday. yeah, i don't have a lot of "summer/spring/fall clothes" that are acceptable and fit well from last year!
last update:
I am not practicing horn anymore...not for at least a few months. I'm totally 100% sick of it. Tomorrow, when i go to teach, it'll be my last time for this student and i'll recommend other teachers. saturday, i'll recommend other teachers for my second student. that's all i have now anyway. I'm soooo done. yuck. done. no more feeling angry about doing something i don't like that much. no more. finished. i'll make money somehow...this isn't the only way. i'll survive and i'll be successful...i don't care what people say. i will be.
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because of the "free" time i have...i find myself wanting to fast...to fast for a week. but i know it is "unhealthy" and that tomorrow morning i will tell myself i can't. but, yesterday's entry was a good one. if i keep reading it, i will eventually believe it!
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i just can't help myself!
calories today: 3850! like whoa...i'm going to be really sorry for this...i guess the fact that one pair of pants still fit me this morning made me think all this binging is ok!
this morning went well when i was observing the radiology department at the hospital. it's definitely for me...
I have continually sabotoged my weight loss efforts purposely, I did not admit this to myself until recently though. Like you I wanted to look hot, feel hot and all that goes with being thin. Each time I got close to that I gave up and went back to my old ways, it made me feel safer. If I succeeded in this then I will have to apply myself to other things. Not sure if this made sense. It was always more easy to keep doing what I had been doing and not excel, then people did not expect much of me. Not sure what changed from then to now but I am in it to win it !!
Yesterday I finally gave into the fact that I'm still not into the same thought process that enabled me to lose weight. I was down to ONLY one pair of well-worn shorts that I simply can't stand any more, so when I saw a sale at K-Mart, of all places! I figured it was a good place for "temporary" clothes. I found one pair of jeans shorts and a pair of long pants - size 9-10 whereas I had gotten down to 7-8. Ha ha! No more! And to think that I had gotten to the point of anticipating wearing a 5-6!!!
I haven't given up hope completely, but it looks like it's going to be a LONG time before I can even get back to 7-8.
Monday:
i'll be observing at the hospital today, 8:30-11am...i know it'll go well...and i will update on this tomorrow! :)
edit: 4.5 miles am + 4 miles pm = 8.5 miles, 2 hrs, 50 min walking
total aug: 44 hrs, 55 min!!! yes! this is going well!
total cal: 3200
OMG! I binged again!!!! the weight is creeping on... i've had 3200 calories and its 10:15am...i need a life and a job!!!!!!!!!!!!
you know what's interesting...the calories each day don't matter anymore! meaning, if i want to look good, it doens't really matter how high...because any binge is going to prevent the outcome i'm looking for!
so, the more i binge, the longer i'll be waiting to look the way i want to. it's sure taking a long time for me to figure it out. why do i play this game with myself??? what is there to loose? meaning, why don't i just go for it..why don't i just throw away the binging and eat what i portion out for myself..and nothing more?
gosh, i could be looking so "hot" right now...why am i constantly preventing the outcome i so desire?? am i afraid? can i not visualize myself that way? why don't i just go for it? am i preventing it by writing these things down? can't I just see the end result and run towards it?
all this contemplating, this makes me want to get my act together and change careers just so i know the path that is ahead of me is a bright one. lately, i've heard more people tell me to stick with music...at first, it was the other way around...and people were rooting for me to change careers. it seems there are people on both sides of the spectrum.
however, it's important to note, the people that mostly are telling me to stick with it are people who live their life and jobs as their passion. one person was the guy i hung out with last night...he really is a musical genius...its his passion and life. He wouldn't be able to imagine doing anything else. i can. i felt awkward telling him about it, which makes sense, because its something he cannot fathom.
i applied for a teaching assistant job this year in the town i live in. it seems that there is still one position open. If i get it, it would be a steady job, other than subbing which prob wont start till october when teachers finally take days off!
i will definitely apply to volunteer in the hopsital, prob two days a week. that is something i'll talk to them about tomorrow! :) i will also ask when the entrance tests are and study materials, etc. i can't wait! yay!
OMG! I binged again!!!! the weight is creeping on... i've had 3200 calories and its 10:15am...i need a life and a job!!!!!!!!!!!!
ok...i'm done averaging days and doing calculations...for now on, i'm living one day to the next. i know if i'm eating badly or not. i'll only add up calories each day...but no more averaging all the days together, etc.
this method hasn't helped me because i relied too much on the future to balance out the terrible eating i do in the present!
my goal of 50 exercise hours, that i didn't meet last month...i will definitely meet this month! that's pretty darn exciting. Now, if i could just get off my butt the rest of the day!
hi all.
Dinner was good...a grilled chicken salad with some kinda dressing in it as well as cheddar cheese and avacado. i didn't eat all the avacado or cheese. then, starbucks after (since i DON'T drink...) for a blended blueberry drink haha. then, we went back to the hotel he was staying at, hung out...and i'll let you save the rest for your imagination. yep. however, nothing too crazy. but there was some action. LOL. Actually, i wasn't expecting this...but didn't mind it either.
okay, so, i ate a moderate amount before going out...
so i think calories are: 2030
exercise today: 20 min bike in morning.
total aug: 42 hrs, 5 min
Even if you do not WANT to apply for hospital jobs, start calling a few up and ask to volunteer. Even one or 2 days a week. Again, it is something that you can put on a resume or application to school for radiology.
At least if you volunteer, it will add some purpose and some structure to your days. I mean, it'd be nicer to get paid for your time, but I think you need something NOW to provide structure and purpose. Really, I think it could pay off in the long run.
Think about it....
sunday update:
some good things: i'm going into NYC tonight to meet up with a friend...for dinner, which is always stressful, but hopefully there'll be great things on the menu. i told him it he could choose so i don't know where we're going!
also, breakfast was a dunkin donuts egg vegetable and cheese on a wheat bagel. It actually hit the spot, amazingly! i also had a plum before going out to get the dunkin donuts. calories so far: 520.
today, i'm going to spend time writing some application essays to the radiography schools, instead of procrastinating and binging like yesterday. I may practice the french horn...if i do, it'll be for an hour only. not sure if that's gonna happen. i also may ride my bike, i'm going to take a break from walking today...let my ankle get stronger...
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Saturday entries:
this is CRAZY!
bad binge at 4:30 pm...i was doing GREAT all day...lots of small meals...mostly on protein/snack bars. then, binge! chips, cookies, pb, nuts.
total cal: 4,100 exercise: 5 miles = 1 hr, 40 min plus some elliptical = 2 hrs, 25 min!
total aug:41 hrs, 45 min
Hope you had a good time in NYC!
That sounds like quite a binge on saturday, but then again, that's an amazing amount of exercise (at least its amazing to me). Hope I can get there some day!
you have no idea how much i appreciate the feedback i get from DD members on days like today, no idea! I thank you all for helping me through this trying time! :)
calories: 4780. yup.
exercise: 2 hr, 20 min...i told myself i had to get out there!
total for august: 39hrs, 20 min
MASSIVE, 2800 calorie binge breakfast.
oh...my...i just had a second slice of pizza...total calories so far are: 4200!!! the pizza was folowed by pastries and cookies...the parents recently went to a wedding...and the treats are here in the house.
4200 calores, 11:27am....feeling gross....
i saw there was a music job posted online...and it gave me soooo much stress that i ate like a maniac this morning. since it put me under such anxiety, i'm choosing to not apply... i will only apply...and it will probably be too late...after i observe on Tuesday for Radiography. and, i would only apply for the music job if for some strange reason i don't like the radiography program...but that would be practically impossible. I can almost promise you, and me, that I will LOVE the field of radiography and that I will be happy doing it. It just stinks that I haven't been accepted to the program and its not certain I will be. but, it is also really close to the start of school...and i cannot put myself under such stress...i really can't.
Come talk to Donkey before bingeing over something like applying for a job. Hugs!!!
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I think your fast exit was perfect food wise...may be a little too much in quantity, because as I said the appetite can go wild, and you have to curb it, but it will be more managable every time you fast, if you decide to do it again. And by the way fast does cure eating disorders in some individual cases, it did mine, it takes efforts, system and time, of course. Good luck with your new job this week, hope you'll be enjoying it.