Friday morning edit:
I've already had another bingy day this morning! an apple, cup of pumpkin...and 4 tablespoons peanut butter. all together: 550 cal. the reason that i say it was a binge is because i ate past being full, way past being full.
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i'm gonna die a very early death. i'll tell ya that.
4,000 calories today. almost every piece of clothing is too small. i've got problems.
yeah, i know, i need to go about this process slowly. the more pressure i put on myself, the worse off i am.
the control these past few days has been lost.
exercise: 1 hr.
this is sooo sick...and I haven't felt the way I have today and yesterday in a few weeks. It's that really weighed down feeling. When there is gross bulk in your stomach and it sits and sits there for 3 days until you feel like yourself again. I know that life will always be difficult, and i really do need to stop turning to food. I want to live a life that is so far and distant from the one i have now...where food is not an issue and i have more enery than ever before. where i'm in great shape and i don't sit around with my legs up at the computer for 3 hours or more in a row!
if i gain any more weight, i'll pretty much be at my higheset weight before i lost 30 pounds 6 years ago. I'm totally headed in the wrong direction...this is sooo sad! i need to fix this. i know how and i just give up day after day.
Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 15 lbs to go!
i emotionally ate 4200 calories. and, that's if i'm lucky and calculated correctly...ugh. bad stomach ache.
exercise: only AM 1/2 hour. sucky as anything!
total: 5 hrs, 45 min tomorrow i will go to yoga...and even though i had a bad day today, i am making a good attempt to recover tomorrow and for the rest of the weekend! :)
I feel like i'm at a point we're i'm almost unable to make any changes in my life...i get a step closer, and take 100 steps back.
Progress as of today: 5 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!
from my calculations, I ate around 2050 cal. I had a pretty large dinner, around 900 calories.
exercise: one hour. tomorrow I want to go to go to yoga practice.
today, i did some volunteer work after work for 2 hours. it went pretty well, as good as volunteering can be, anyway! :)
total exercise: 5 hrs, 15 min. :) that's ok.
i was definitely bingy today. but, really, calories weren't bad - and i cannot think that they were!
at the current moment, i am angry. there is this friend i have living in another state who doesn't realize his actions and how they make me personally feel. I can't really say too much more, except that he's great at being the controlling one in a relationship. i actually just mean a relationship as friends. and i personally don't care for people like that, who are rude and lack any understanding...and he may just loose me as a friend.
Progress as of today: 5 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!
the dinner date went well...although he is on the thin side...but what's wrong with that right? that's motivation on my part! lol.
calories are pretty good. when i got home, i did have some celery sticks and an apple even though i really wasn't hungry, just antsy.
calories: 1375 approximately.
exercise: AM = 35 min. now, i plan on another short 35 min. i'm a bit tired...
total exercise: 1 hr.
total Dec = 4 hrs, 15 min :)
Progress as of today: 5 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!
hey everyone...my date was cancelled due to the snow this morning! but, the plan is to meet up tomorrow at 6:30pm. He really does sound like a nice guy and it would be pretty cool if we ended up being interested in each other. we shall see.
exercise was ok. 1hr 15 min cardio. I didn't go to yoga today, although I could have, because my body is sore from yesterday. I am not going to work through soreness. Instead, I'll give my body the proper rest it needs and then go back to yoga. What I have is an unlimited pass for a whole year...unlimited yoga! If I wanted to, I could go to like 5 classes a day haha! Just kidding, nobody does more than two. And the majority does only one. Most people do not go everyday and its worth it even if I only go between 8 and 10 times per month - in comparison to the other types of passes I could have bought. So there you have it.
i didn't exercise this morning - i should have because it's so easy to get more exercise in that way. It really adds up with anything else I choose to do later in the day. Tomorrow really is December! haha. So, since I've been doing a half hour AM workouts on the treadmill for the past week, maybe I should increase to 35 min? yeah, that's what I'm going to do even though the sound of it makes me anxious for some reason. I love having the morning workout, but I don't want to be rushed to get ready or wake up too early. It would be pretty cool to work up to going an hour on the treadmill in the morning!
exercise total for December: 3 hrs, 15 min...already looking good!
calories were not bad. I thought i was going to have a miserable day but finally got out of the house...and that saved me. Calories are about 1575. yay, i stayed in the 1500s.
I really want to loose some weight and show off some more toning - the only way is too loose some fat. The pictures he's (the person i'm going on a date with) seen of me are when i weighed about 10 lbs less...eesh. But, two are recent, from August! lol. The only one really recent, as in Thanksgiving, picture that I have is a bad one so I'm not showing it to anyone. lol.
Progress as of today: 5 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!
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Sunday AM edit:
date cancelled due to the snow...we're going to meet up tomorrow after work. i just had a VERY large lunch by normal standards. haha. and, i want an apple but i am full. eh, i'll have it anyway. today is NOT going to be a 1500 calorie day because i've already had about 1150 cal. I'm planning for 1750.
my mouth is like a saltshaker! yuck! i had two veggie burgers before and they are so tasty...but so salty. i wish they had half as much salt!
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late night edit:
total cal, to be safe, i'll say 1550. hopefully not more! :)
American Gangster was a good movie and dinner was ok too.
hopefully the date will go well tomorrow.
total exercise: i'll say 2 hours.
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well, i just paid A LOT of money (125 per month = 1500 dollars!) for a year membership to yoga. yup. that being said, my exercise totals will probably dramatically increase next month!
today's exercise so far: 30 min cardio and 1.5 hours yoga. 2 hours so far. i will count all the yoga minutes even though some of it includes postures when we are just lying down.
going out to dinner with friends tonight and a movie...i'm nervous about tomorrow and it's supposed to snow! lol. we may have to cancel, probably not. i'm not excited to go out to eat tonight because i don't even know the menu, it's not online...my calories are good so far, 950.
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Progress as of today: 5 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!
Congratulations on how conscious you are of what you eat and your exercise ... you're whittling away an ounce at a time ... soon you'll be there!
oh my! I could have had as little as 1300 cal today without a problem. however, even though i was not starving by any means, i gorged when i got home today. after my dinner, I had FIVE english muffins, one with peanut butter and 3 servings of crackers!
total cal = 2140.
is that total terrible? no. i shouldn't even be upset! so, i'm not. as long as my totals are not astromonically high, they should be easily offset by even one lower calorie day.
exercise was pretty good. 1 hr, 10 min. total for November: 32 hrs, 15 min.
my comment on November exercise: at least it totals up to an avg of 1 hr per day! :) my goals: continue with my successful early morning walking!...
i still have my date on Sunday which I am looking foward to even though there's a 5 year age difference and it seems we may be pretty different! It still intrigues me...
today was good. first day of volunteering went VERY well! :)
goodnight.
Progress as of today: 5 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!
Please definitely keep us posted on your date! I don't think a five year age difference is all that big. I'm actually interested in someone who is five years older than myself right now too! Haha. I've always been attracted to older men though. Maturity seems to be more level....keep us posted on how thing go on Sunday!
five year difference is nothing when it comes to men...(Or is he younger??? But even then, while it may not be a long-term thing, it can be fun...when I was in college I went out with a guy for quite some time that, as I stop to think about it now, was five years younger, and we had THE MOST fun! Up until then I had always dated older - a lot older...Even now, my husband is almost 20 years older than me...but he acts like he's younger than me...I am always wishing he would grow up!:) So I guess I'm just saying that age is just a number, so don't put much into it. Have fun - that's all that matters!
I am SO GLAD that volunteering went well for you!!! That is a really good sign that your change in career direction is the right one for you.
Good luck on the date! Older or younger doesn't matter. What's important is what's inside. Really, now it might matter, but as you get older, it doesn't. We all end up old in the end.
cruddy: you would think i would really be watching calories, especially because i want to look my best on Sunday when i go on the date!
but, no. I had 2200 calories. Thank god i stopped there!
The last bit of calories was just before 5pm, a binge of 1300 cal.
Perhaps if I actually go to the gym and exercise I can actually burn that many. Probably not.
exercise: I want it to be at least 1.5 hours...update to come...
31 hrs, 5 min.
Progress as of today: 5 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!
If your date's on Sunday it's probably better for you to eat a little more now, so that it's easier for you to eat less on Saturday. That should get you looking your best on Sunday. At least that's how it always works for me!
Thanks for the comment you left me. You remembered that my brother hardly eats anything! Unfortunately I think he seems to have some sort of eating disorder, like me. Sometimes he seems practically anorexic, at other times he seems to be on an eating spree which can last for days or weeks. Sound familiar?! At the moment he seems to be in more of the eating spree mode, which doesn't bode well for me, haha! But I'm only going to be there for one day. How much damage can I do in 24 hours?!
And thanks for your advice - I think I will buy some more nuts online. The 200 packets of almonds were a special deal which I don't think I'll find again, but I did find an online store which sells boxes of nuts in serving-sized packets, and they were really nice when I wrote to them a while back, so I think it's time to contact them again! Although I kind of have this vague plan to finish off all the other food lying around at home first. I seem to have accumulated a lot of stuff which I guess I don't like so much and haven't been eating, and I don't want it all to go to waste. (Does this sound really crazy? If it does, just tell me - I need to know!)
Oh, remember when you did your juice fast? I was reading in prevention magazine where the doctor said it was actually a good idea to fast once in a while to give the pancreas and other organs a break. So, I may do a one-day fast this weekend. Probably Sunday. But I thought about you when I read the article.
I do appreciate how you open up about your day and I totally cannot wait to read about your date!
i have a date on Sunday for lunch...more details (good or bad) to come Sunday evening.
today's calories almost got out of hand...but they are ok. 1530.
exercise: one hour.
total November: 29 hrs, 35 min. I jogged on Monday night...I'm gonna try to do some jogging tomorrow as well! :)
Progress as of today: 5 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!
Congratulations on a great day! Add it to your list!
the good part of the day: 1.5 hours exercise :)
total exercise: 28 hrs, 35 min :) I will NOT beat October's splendid exercise total of 37 hrs, 25 min :(. My goal for November WAS 40 hours but that is undoable now! But what is done is done.
I may join yoga sooner than expected. I think it'll be worth the money, even though I thought it was sooo important to save it. I think it will help me in my efforts to loose weight, gain muscle, and have a healthy mindset. Instead of coming home and binging, I'd have somewhere to be. Is this not a good reason? Also, I'd try to do, starting around December???, to do one hour cardio in the morning and not have to commit to it for the rest of the day. This would be the weekday goal. I'm not sure on this, but this is something i've brainstormed. I could do yoga in the late afternoon. I really like this idea. If i do spend the money, I feel it would be majorly important to watch what i eat since yoga is like a gift that I feel I should only have if I prove to myself I deserve it. lol. That's how my mind thinks.
so, what to do: look into yoga, see when the classes are offered. I would probably sign up for unlimited yoga and do it at least 4 days a week. i'm going to do the calculations and see if its worth it...
3500 calories.
biscotti, the foods were still in my house...now some aren't! lol.
bad day today. i chose to binge...lots of sugar, candy, starchy carbs. i don't even wanna stop now...i realized its 6pm and i've been eating since 4:30. not a healthy mentality.
at lunch, i bought stuff from the vending machine: peanut m&ms and a large almond joy! I'm just being a pig, all day! mad.
and i can't stop thinking about peanut butter so i just went to get some!!!...some meaning too much, my mom just got home. arg.
in the past 5 years, but not this current one, I was always able to limit my intake better than i have been now. why?
i'm seriously half afraid to diet. and, when i think i'm giving myself a break and eat something that's tempting, i go on and on...eating more.
Progress as of today: 5 lbs lost so far, only 10 lbs to go!
Obviously I don't know the solution to this problem, otherwise I wouldn't have it myself. But one thing which helps me is to allow myself a little bit of the foods I find tempting on a daily basis. That takes a while to work, but eventually, it does. For instance, I always used to binge on nuts. I could eat a pound of nuts in one day. So I used to try to avoid them completely, but that kind of sucks because nuts are actually pretty healthy. So I ordered 200 1/2-oz packets of almonds on eBay. Every day I take one packet with me to work. At the beginning, the temptation was strong to just eat all 200 packets in one day, haha! But eventually I got used to having one a day and now sometimes I find that I don't even feel like it at all.
The only problem now is that I only have 12 packets left. What am I going to do when they run out?!
Each time I restart yoga I lose weight naturally without thinking about it. I can't explain this, but it's true. Without weight lifting or doing any other sort of exercise or conditioning my body firms up beautifully. When I leave a session I am so relaxed and feel so good. The funniest part is that doing yoga kills my appetite. What is better than that?
One of the best arguments for me is having to wear tights which shows up everything I want to hide. I know, many now wear "yoga" pants which I can't stand. All that loose material. No, not for me.
You can buy discounted yoga mats at TJMAXX and Marshall's for around $10-11 dollars.
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Why do you think you aren't worth your goals?
mylifechanges on 12/06/2007:
ok girly..you're breakin my heart here! You know what I find funny? I was thinking today when I was at the gym about all of my bad days, and how it's so easy to drown in self-pity and just give into the temptation to binge. But then I started thinking about how angry I've been in the past people who I love and care about were harming themselves (cutting, anorexia, etc.). And it just made me MAD! How dare those people think of themselves as so worthless that they would bring harm to their bodies? Then it was like a SLAP in the face that I do the same thing all the time. Why is it so easy to see the worth in others, and so difficult to fight for our own?...One of the quotes that has forever stuck with me was by a woman who is now a marathon runner (one of our mutual goals!) and triatholoner (if that's a word) who has lost more than 180 pounds. She said that eventually a time comes where it will just "click" and what did it for her was the fact that she would NEVER force her children to eat more than they were hungry for, or harm their bodies in any way. So why was she doing it to herself? I think so much of this fight is very much a fight for self-worth and realizing that we as human beings are WORTH the fight. If we're not, then why are we doing it? This is something I have to remind myself of on a daily basis....So stick with it sister. Pull yourself up from the computer screen, make yourself a nice list of goals (with REWARDS), and look forward to livin TODAY! It's all we've got!!
And now, just for fun, I compiled a bunch of the best encouraging things you've left on my blog throughout the last year. Maybe reading your own words will encourage you that you've got this in you- I know you'll see it through!!!
Love. love. love. ~Michelle
"so, you've had a string of bad days, just pick up here...it's never, ever too late to change. :)"
"you will definitely get right back into the groove..... the day could have been worse!! feel better! i'm cheering for ya!"
"it's all about having more good days than bad...and you are doing a greaet job with that!! :)" (HoPs- you've ALWAYS done a great job of this!!)
"You're on your way! I have my bad weeks too! What matters is that you never completely throw the towel in!"
borntocry on 12/07/2007:
Go out and buy a bunch of health food and new workout gear. The more expensive the better. Or better yet, sign up for a race! Find some way to motivate yourself! I know it's hard... I think it's harder in the winter. I feel like doing nothing but sit at home and eat. But you have to either physically get yourself out of the house, or find some way to mentally distract yourself from food. I know you already know this, but we all need to be reminded of it from time to time!
Donkey on 12/07/2007:
I do not know how you can manage to eat plain pumpkin. Pumpkin pie filling OK, because it is sweetened and spiced. Plain ol' pumpkin by itself? Yuck. Of course, maybe if I put butter and salt on it like a sweet potato, it might taste better to me. Hmm....
workingit2 on 12/07/2007:
Have you ever tried giving yourself permission to binge, on purpose, twice a month or once a week or anything? Maybe by making it 'ok' to binge a couple times a month, it will take away the feeling that it is abnormal to binge, and you can have something to work towards? I know when I started to change my eating lifestyle, I HAD to give myself permission to have a cheat day once a week, and then it was a cheat meal, and then it was once every couple weeks, down to once every month..and now, it is once in a while. Kind of like when a guy wants to go to a strip club but his wife/girlfriend is always telling him it is bad or wrong or whatever. It makes some guys want to go even more. But when a woman says "Ok, have a great time, just remember we have soccer practice with little Jimmy tomorrow" it kind of takes away the thrill.
In one of the articles I posted recently, they discussed that the thought of binging for some people, releases a pleasure hormone that can be addictive. So maybe if you can give yourself permission to binge at specific times that you write on your day planner or whatever, maybe you'll be able to control it a little more and you will find other things in the meantime, that give you pleasure.
Just a thought!
Donkey on 12/07/2007:
I gotta say, Biscotti's got some really good insight and sage advice. I think she nailed it right on the head. If this were me, I'd print it out and carry it around with me and read it several times a day.
One thing I'd like to add to the part she said about allowing yourself to eat what you really want instead of what you think should eat: I first drink a glass of water to make sure that I am not confusing thirst with hunger. Then, if I am still hungry, yes, I go ahead and eat it. (Especially when it comes to ice cream, I will eat ice cream if I am thirsty.) :-/
But I think if you ate what you wanted or what was available (i.e. what the rest of your family eats for a meal), then you would be more satisfied in the long run.
And I would like to reiterate about the counseling too. A social worker, a RD, somebody.
legcramps on 12/07/2007:
I know how hard it is to pick yourself up once you're so far down in that hole, but you need to do it. The problem is you probably already know that and just don't care. At least, those are always my feelings. Believe me, forcing yourself to do it will get you the same results as actually wanting to do it. So whether you want it, or whether you force yourself into it - get to the gym or go for a walk; join a class or hit up a friend to do something with.