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Horn_of_plenty - Wednesday Sep 05, 2007
(calorie counting, all foods, LOTS of veggies)
Weight: 110.0

bad news:

I binged today on everything that i haven't had: milano cookies, chips, ice cream, pastries, crackers, yogurt, tons of peanut butter, cinnamon raison bread, sesame seed wheat crackers with some oil in them as well (all food that i didn't purchase in my house)...it was all in my house...and i was really hungry. stupid decision...especially bc i really don't have ANYTHING to be stressed over!

so dumb.

calories are 4,000 for today!

soooo...all effects of my fast are now DEFINITELY long gone.

I may not even exercise for the rest of the night.

i've learned something: cool down!!! i just need to calm down, MAJORLY!

Progress as of today: 3.4 lbs lost so far, only 5 lbs to go!

Donkey on 09/05/2007:
We talked about this a while back, but perhaps it's time to actually DO something about getting an anti-depressant or an anti-anxiety medication. Now before anyone jumps down my throat, many anti-depressants are used to help with bingeing disorders. I'm not talking about doping HoP up, but rather just a tool to help her even out her moods until her eating behavior has stabilized. Not a long-term solution but something to help you deal with this bingeing. Honestly, I can't tell you how DE-motivating it is to hear about another binge. And that's just reading about it. I can't imagine how self-defeated you must feel. :-(

Runner on 09/05/2007:
Hi, HOP! I haven't been able to read all of your entries, but how much weight did you lose in your fast? And I was surprised to see that you're still 110 pounds! It seemed like all that bingeing would catch up with you. I'm so jealous! You've still been able to maintain a low weight with high-calorie days. I can't lose weight on low-calorie days! Maybe I should try a fast, too. Good luck on hitting 105. I don't know if I'll ever see that day again.

tourguidebarbie on 09/06/2007:
Since it was just the two of us who did the August Challenge i'll just post the totals here <br> 45 hr 50 mins for you - WINNER<br> 30 hr 30 mins for me - LOSER!... lol <br> Great job!

WorkingIt2 on 09/06/2007:
Those Milano Cookies are the BOMB! You know, if I have a bunch of 'tasty' food in the house that is also easy to eat (no cooking involved) and I've had a bad day, a day without much water, or am just in the mood to eat like a lot of food...I'd likely binge as well. There is just something inside me that triggers sometimes and says EAT LOTS and I feel guilty while I'm eating it!

Donkey on 09/06/2007:
I hope that yesterday's binge will finally get it through to you that fasting does not work. Nor does low calorie dieting. Biscottibody encourages us to call us out on our dieting techniques, so that is why I am saying what I am saying.

I really like reading your diary and want to support you in reaching your goals.

Horn_of_plenty - Tuesday Sep 04, 2007
(calorie counting, all foods, LOTS of veggies)
Weight: 110.0

grrr...can't sleep! now it's 1am!!! :( need to go to sleep and can't because i'm thinking about tomorrow (but not nervous) and my bloated stomach bothers me. today was the first night i had brown rice but, i also just ate a ton of salad with onion/corn in it, then i had a tomato, and a package of dried nori. too much!

total SEPT: 4 hrs, 10 min :)

so today was just staff meetings...tomorrow the job starts...i'll be making comments on your entries tomorrow as today it's already late and i want to exercise!

I splurged again on an organic foods dinner: baked cauliflower with tumeric and oil (AMAZING, as GG would say), some steamed veggies, and a brown rice and soy cheese pizza with sauteed spinach and baked veggies with oil on top of it. you know, i didn't love the pizza!..but i ate the brown rice pizza bc it wasn't "bad." just not "great." everything else was very good. i will not get it again....this makes me wonder if i do in fact need the carbs!...the brown rice. i think i do need the carbs, and i just didn't like the taste of that particular food! haha. I know some people would say i don't need the carbs.

exercise today will be one hour (but my job HAPPILY involves lots of walking now...right now at least...)

goodnight! :)

Progress as of today: 3.4 lbs lost so far, only 5 lbs to go!

Donkey on 09/04/2007:
I have often said to Husband that if it were just he and I, and we were both working, that I would love to do something like a Nutrisystem to have healthy meals readily available to us. (ok, to me) So that's kind of like what you are doing at the organic foods place. Probably even better tasting and better for you than Nutrisystem! Good luck at work tomorrow!

Horn_of_plenty - Monday Sep 03, 2007
(calorie counting, all foods, LOTS of veggies)
Weight: 110.0

total SEPT. exercise: 3hrs, 10 min

exercise today: 4 miles = 1 hr, 20 min :)

evening edit: I went to a natural foods store that serves all organic and natural foods for dinner. I had a big plate of food...and i never can leave anything over, even if i'm full. I had some tofu flavored with tomato and topped with a paste that made me think i was having pizza....it was AMAZING. then, i had some sauteed broccoli, so fresh and crisp, still in garlic and oil. also on the plate was other sauteed veggies including carrot, yam, squash, eggplant. everything was cooked with oil...but not a lot. however, i had about a 1/2 lb of one side and a 1/4 lb of the other. the tofu was big too. there were many calories involved considering the oil in veggies and paste on tofu. i don't regret any of this, btw. I just don't want to gain weight because today's calories are double that of yesterday...and much more than the days before!

I may not be 105 by the end of September, but it remains a goal of mine.

oh, i also had two apples as a snack...which definitely helped to control appetite at dinner...even though i ate everything on my plate. I'm having a problem with the excess taste of spices...its too much, making me crave sweets...this goes for everything i ate today, in terms of being too flavored, except for the kombucha drink in the morning. I like having kombucha for breakfast and i'm going to do that for awhile.


hi everyone. i began today with a kombucha drink, 16 ounces. One thing i realize is that my stomach did NOT shrink!...you'll see why:

then, i had lunch much later:

2 cups of vegetable soup with potato in it (no sodium), 1 full cup of egg whites, 3 cups of cabbage, and a little bit of vegetarian chilli, no salt added. whew! all healthy. i was too hungry. but, it's mostly vegetables. and, it's actually not that bad...making me happy that i just wrote this, because my mind is playing tricks on me...its only 1 1/2 hours later and i'm wanting food! haha. I know better!

105 lbs around the end of September/early October.

Progress as of today: 3.4 lbs lost so far, only 5 lbs to go!

Donkey on 09/03/2007:
I don't think you can go wrong by eating vegetables :-) That tofu stuff sounds delicious!

Workingit2 on 09/03/2007:
Thank you for all the information on fasting! I am keeping my fingers crossed for you that this helps with all of your goals!

ad_vitam on 09/03/2007:
You're making great food choices, I am so proud of you! That's what fasting does to me: afterwords my organism craves healthy natural foods, and hates junk. WTG! Don't worry about your appetite, it'll slow down. Take one step at a time: change food preferences then the amount you eat. May be 5-6 mini meals will curb appetite?

GG on 09/03/2007:
You need to focus on how GOOD the food was and HOW GOOD IT WAS FOR YOU: in those situations when you know the food your eating is really good for your health: calories DONT matter!!! When I make salads, I make a flaxseed oil dressing and let me tell you: I do not use that oil lightly!!!! a 12 oz bottle lasts me about 3 days or so, when really they are suppose to last...like a month! hahaha! And me being me, I pour the whole thing of dressing I make all over the salad and....EAT THE WHOLE THING! hahahaha! Now talk about POUNDS of vegetables! hahahahahhahaha! And...the best part? It tastes delicious and is SOOO healthy for me...as well as anyone else who trys it!!!! Your dinner sounded amazing though and really made me want to go to Whole Foods tomorrow to pick up some of their prepared foods...HMMMMM, that is definately my splurge/cheat meal...eventhough all I get is grilled veggies & salmon & the salard bar! hahaha! More like splurging with my WALLET!!! hahahaha! Oh and i am just like you: I MUST finish everything on my plate: even if I am stuffed to the brim, and sometimes I go back for seconds even if I feel like I am going to pop any second!!! ugh!

ad_vitam on 09/04/2007:
How do you like your new job?

geevee on 09/05/2007:
Everything you ate was wonderful! I find it very easy to eat huge quantities of vegetables. I don't think there is any I don't love. Ditto on the flaxseed oil that Geegee commented on. That stuff is excellent. Like both of you I have a voracious appetite andnever, ever leave anything on my plate.

Horn_of_plenty - Sunday Sep 02, 2007
(calorie counting, all foods, LOTS of veggies)
Weight: 110.0

Evening edit: My body remained full many hours after all that food, but my head (maybe due to the insulin changes...but this happened during the fast, too) and stomach wanted something later on. I had 4 plum tomatoes. I didn't want to have protein. LOL. I changed my mind. Protein will begin tomorrow afternoon. Egg and veggies.

I walked 4.5 miles today as exercise...but there was some other movement as well. I'm happy about today.

I'm not going to record calories for the time being.

total exercise: 1 hr, 30 min :)


Afternoon entry:

Had a green drink with carrot, celery, romaine for breakfast.

walked 3 miles at the park

then, had another drink of spinach, celery, and apple.

came home, drank some kombucha...which lead to breaking my liquid fast:

i proceeded to have a plum...followed by two cups of grapes, and then three cups of salad, followed by two cups of potato leek soup with no added salt.

I didn't plan to end with a large volume of food...but, fasting doesn't clear up eating disorders!!!

so, at least the foods were healthy!

Progress as of today: 3.4 lbs lost so far, only 5 lbs to go!

ad_vitam on 09/02/2007:
I think your fast exit was perfect food wise...may be a little too much in quantity, because as I said the appetite can go wild, and you have to curb it, but it will be more managable every time you fast, if you decide to do it again. And by the way fast does cure eating disorders in some individual cases, it did mine, it takes efforts, system and time, of course. Good luck with your new job this week, hope you'll be enjoying it.

Horn_of_plenty - Saturday Sep 01, 2007
(calorie counting, all foods, LOTS of veggies)
Weight: 110.0

The weight is after not eating, just waking up Sunday morning. I do not plan to gain weight back...as I will adjust my diet so that I am not just flooding my system after 5 days of water fasting. Today, Sunday, I will exercise normally. I will have some exercise in the AM and PM. It will total 5 miles. I will have liquid calories to help me get through it.

Saturday evening entry:

exercise: 1 mile: 20 min.

hi all!.

i almost broke down and had food instead of liquids today. ahh! but, i didn't.

i'm making one alteration in my plan...tomorrow evening i'll have food...eggs

throughout the day, any and all liquids.

the fast is all about mind of matter. I've done a pretty good job...just the thought of not being able to eat normally on the first few days of work is unsettling...as its a new place i'll be working. so, it is what it is. i'm make sure i don't seem crazy. work starts tuesday. the liquid fast ends sunday evening...monday will be light foods...same with tuesday and wednesday as well as the rest of the week.

on the weekend, i'll have to watch myself and calm myself. I am no longer teaching any music lessons or playing in any groups..i've had the whole day free...and from lack of energy, not really used it to exercise. i like to exercise. so, in the future, i'll use my time for that purpose...and not to fast.

Progress as of today: 3.4 lbs lost so far, only 5 lbs to go!

workingit2 on 09/02/2007:
Congrats on the fasting! I am thinking I am going to do a 2-day fast over the weekend. Reason being, I am extremely physically active at work all day and would likely pass out and hurt myself if I didn't eat. Not going to take that chance! I give you big credit for doing the fast...go you!!

Horn_of_plenty - Friday Aug 31, 2007
(calorie counting, all foods, LOTS of veggies)
Weight: 110.0

total AUG exercise: 45 hrs, 50 min!


exercise: 10 min (but i was moving around for a lot of the day)

total AUG. exercise: 45 hrs, 50 min. If i didn't do this water/juice fast i would have met the 50 hours.

oh, and i do miss the exercise 100%

i'm getting really frustrated. I know this conductor who's famous for writing many articles in the major music encyclopedia called The Grove. His music is his life, he's in his 80's. He tells me to go apply in NYC...i don't want to. I'm not. He says to respond to his email after I've applied in the city. I will respond anyway...and tell him that i will apply in the city for next year and that this year has been decided. I'm long gone..and not making any changes for my job for this year. I've had enough. I'm burned out.

i've been running around all day. I took a teaching assistant job in the school that's actually right across the street from my house. I guess i'll save money not driving to work! haha. It pays 19000 no benifits. also, i didn't even interview for the 55,000 band job. I have made up my mind right now. I knew i wasn't in a good situation to walk into an interview today, 3 workdays before school starts. that's not good. also, i feel unprepared...and i'm looking to do something else with my life. that band job would have been highly stressful...AND, i doubt i'd be able to spend as much energy volunteering and applying to hospital programs for radiography. some people would think this was a stupid mistake. but, it's my life...and i don't.

I've already observed radiology in one hospital and i'm going to volunteer three days a week...each day at a different hospital. I"m doing this because I KNOW it'll help me get into a program. and i HAVE to get in. if i don't i WILL have to go back to music...and i would begin interviewing in the spring for NYC public schools. some are good...it's just not my passion right now...and i know it'll never be. I don't hate it;but i don't love it. I'd rather do radiography by far. It is something i've chosen and i'm working towards and i will give it all of my energy when i'm in class for it in 2008...as you can see, i have high hopes to get in.

Progress as of today: 3.4 lbs lost so far, only 5 lbs to go!

hollybelle on 08/31/2007:
YAY for making decisions. Have a good Labor Day Weekend!

Sandra aka Soul on 08/31/2007:

Enjoy the website, I know I do...just finished reading all of the previous newsletters. I cannot wait for my books to arrive, she is a good motivator for rawfoodism.

Donkey on 08/31/2007:
Apply in NYC for what???

I don't blame you for not applying for the band job. Money ain't everything, and there's no sense in doing something that you don't enjoy. Or something that would set you up for stress, anxiety, and misery, which is what it sounds like because school starts in a few days for you (we already finished our first week). Even though you need a job, you can still afford to be somewhat selective. Good luck, Horn!

jon'smom on 09/01/2007:
Thank you so much for the sparkrecipe website. It's great!!

ad_vitam on 09/01/2007:
How's your fast going? Make sure you have a plan for exiting your fast the right way: usually it's fresh veggie's juice or veggie's broth, then peeled fruit and veggies, raw or cooked for 3 days, then other products like dairy etc. And no salt for a week or bad water retention will be garanteed. Try to curb your appetite the first days after fast - it may get really wild - start eating gradually increasing the calorie amount not to gain weight, because after fasting the first few days organism will be digesting and storing every calorie. Just something from my personal experience, though you probably read about all these nuances up before you started fasting.

As for your decision not to seek the position in a band - if you made up your mind about applying to the radiology school and don't enjoy playing music for living - why be miserable? I hope the job you got will allow you time to work towards your new career path.

ad_vitam on 09/01/2007:
I agree w/ your observations on fasting. As I expected you didn't just decide to rush into it out of blue. That's very important. Also: since you are consuming some nutrision (juice) during your fast (with only water fast it's more complex) you can start eating solid food on Monday morning(veggies or fruit, try to choose soft kinds for a start and chew slow and thoroughly, don't forget to peel such veggies as tomatos etc.) or to look better on Monday start eating Sun late afternoon. The next day it can be anything healthy in moderation, easy on protein, try the light kind: eggs, dairy. I don't know what choice of food you'll be offered at your meeting, but hopefully you can find salad, fruit, eggs, light cheese, lean meats, rice. Careful w/ salt (I'm afraid not dressing, yes:)unless they have olive oil. While fasting drink lots of water and spend as much time outdoors as you can, stay active. It helps to release and flush down more toxins.

Donkey on 09/01/2007:
I am totally with you on supporting each other this month. Now I haven't said so, but I don't agree with a 5 day fast. A liquid 3 day fast, ok maybe. BUT on the other hand, I do understand why you are doing this.

I have no doubts that you can get into radiology school. You have 2 degrees behind you so that shows that you have smarts AND you finish things you start. So if you can get good recommendations you should be set. Do not hesitate to either tell or write up a list of strong points that you want your references to say about you (if you can). I know you can do it.

Horn_of_plenty - Thursday Aug 30, 2007
(calorie counting, all foods, LOTS of veggies)
Weight: 0.0

15 min exercise. no meeting 50 hrs for august. but i did to a pretty darn good job anyway..

total aug exercise: 45 hrs, 40 min

i had a cup of juice/tea

Horn_of_plenty - Wednesday Aug 29, 2007
(calorie counting, all foods, LOTS of veggies)
Weight: 0.0

Thursday edit: so far so good. I plan on drinking a ton of water...or whatever i need...to get me through the morning. I have an interview at 12:15...then, i'll make sure i have water to drink after. then, i'll stop by the park later. I may possibly go buy another shirt for tomorrow's interview...not sure. I'd rather save the money...


total exercise: 45 hrs. 25 min Wednesday:

sooo...so far i've had nothing today...except plenty of water.

however, right now, 7:42pm, i can tell i'm experiencing withdrawal symptoms that have almost led me to cave in. I almost went downstairs to get a drink of something that wasn't water. If i did it, there would be food to follow!

i'm slightly nervous about thursday...i have a really short interview for a teaching assisant position...friday, i have another short interview in the school across the street from my house.

when i'm on an interview, there's the andrenaline going...so, that's what i figure will happen for these short interviews. LOL, i don't want to give in. I want to contnue this detox/fast regime until monday morning. 5 days! crazy, yes.

after that, my plan is to begin with a green vegetable drink...that i'll get from a nearby health store...to speak to the woman there...and then eat fruit/veg only on Monday. I'm so glad i have no major responsibilities this weekend. I do have to buy another shirt, possibly - i really don't want to spend anymore money - for friday's interviewsince i don't want to wear the same thing as thursday. yeah, i don't have a lot of "summer/spring/fall clothes" that are acceptable and fit well from last year!

Donkey on 08/29/2007:
Best of luck on the interview!!!!

harleygirl79 on 08/30/2007:
Will keep you in thoughts for your successful interview. Don't stress out and go in a direction you don't need to. Your doing great!

jon'smom on 08/30/2007:
Good luck to you! I'm sure these interviews will lead you to something that you are striving for!

greengirl on 08/30/2007:
I will keep my fingers crossed for you for the interview. Good luck :o)

Workingit2 on 08/30/2007:
Good luck with the fast AND the interviews!

Horn_of_plenty - Tuesday Aug 28, 2007
(calorie counting, all foods, LOTS of veggies)
Weight: 0.0

last update:

I am not practicing horn anymore...not for at least a few months. I'm totally 100% sick of it. Tomorrow, when i go to teach, it'll be my last time for this student and i'll recommend other teachers. saturday, i'll recommend other teachers for my second student. that's all i have now anyway. I'm soooo done. yuck. done. no more feeling angry about doing something i don't like that much. no more. finished. i'll make money somehow...this isn't the only way. i'll survive and i'll be successful...i don't care what people say. i will be.


because of the "free" time i have...i find myself wanting to fast...to fast for a week. but i know it is "unhealthy" and that tomorrow morning i will tell myself i can't. but, yesterday's entry was a good one. if i keep reading it, i will eventually believe it!


i just can't help myself!

calories today: 3850! like whoa...i'm going to be really sorry for this...i guess the fact that one pair of pants still fit me this morning made me think all this binging is ok!

this morning went well when i was observing the radiology department at the hospital. it's definitely for me...

Sandra aka Soul on 08/28/2007:

I have continually sabotoged my weight loss efforts purposely, I did not admit this to myself until recently though. Like you I wanted to look hot, feel hot and all that goes with being thin. Each time I got close to that I gave up and went back to my old ways, it made me feel safer. If I succeeded in this then I will have to apply myself to other things. Not sure if this made sense. It was always more easy to keep doing what I had been doing and not excel, then people did not expect much of me. Not sure what changed from then to now but I am in it to win it !!

Donkey on 08/28/2007:
I'm glad observation went well for you!

greengirl on 08/29/2007:
Take care of yourself HoP :o)

geevee on 08/29/2007:
The fact that you're down to only one pair of pants that still fit means that bingeing is NOT okay, just like the increase in the amount of food that I eat is NOT okay.. My problem is not bingeing. It's the slow but insidious weight gain due to more calories than I need.

Yesterday I finally gave into the fact that I'm still not into the same thought process that enabled me to lose weight. I was down to ONLY one pair of well-worn shorts that I simply can't stand any more, so when I saw a sale at K-Mart, of all places! I figured it was a good place for "temporary" clothes. I found one pair of jeans shorts and a pair of long pants - size 9-10 whereas I had gotten down to 7-8. Ha ha! No more! And to think that I had gotten to the point of anticipating wearing a 5-6!!!

I haven't given up hope completely, but it looks like it's going to be a LONG time before I can even get back to 7-8.

Horn_of_plenty - Monday Aug 27, 2007
(calorie counting, all foods, LOTS of veggies)
Weight: 0.0


i'll be observing at the hospital today, 8:30-11am...i know it'll go well...and i will update on this tomorrow! :)

edit: 4.5 miles am + 4 miles pm = 8.5 miles, 2 hrs, 50 min walking

total aug: 44 hrs, 55 min!!! yes! this is going well!

total cal: 3200

OMG! I binged again!!!! the weight is creeping on... i've had 3200 calories and its 10:15am...i need a life and a job!!!!!!!!!!!!

you know what's interesting...the calories each day don't matter anymore! meaning, if i want to look good, it doens't really matter how high...because any binge is going to prevent the outcome i'm looking for!

so, the more i binge, the longer i'll be waiting to look the way i want to. it's sure taking a long time for me to figure it out. why do i play this game with myself??? what is there to loose? meaning, why don't i just go for it..why don't i just throw away the binging and eat what i portion out for myself..and nothing more?

gosh, i could be looking so "hot" right now...why am i constantly preventing the outcome i so desire?? am i afraid? can i not visualize myself that way? why don't i just go for it? am i preventing it by writing these things down? can't I just see the end result and run towards it?

all this contemplating, this makes me want to get my act together and change careers just so i know the path that is ahead of me is a bright one. lately, i've heard more people tell me to stick with music...at first, it was the other way around...and people were rooting for me to change careers. it seems there are people on both sides of the spectrum.

however, it's important to note, the people that mostly are telling me to stick with it are people who live their life and jobs as their passion. one person was the guy i hung out with last night...he really is a musical genius...its his passion and life. He wouldn't be able to imagine doing anything else. i can. i felt awkward telling him about it, which makes sense, because its something he cannot fathom.

i applied for a teaching assistant job this year in the town i live in. it seems that there is still one position open. If i get it, it would be a steady job, other than subbing which prob wont start till october when teachers finally take days off!

i will definitely apply to volunteer in the hopsital, prob two days a week. that is something i'll talk to them about tomorrow! :) i will also ask when the entrance tests are and study materials, etc. i can't wait! yay!

WorkingIt2 on 08/27/2007:
I am on the end of the spectrum that says GO FOR IT! YAY! =0

ad_vitam on 08/27/2007:
Hi! It's a very good thing that you're contemplating about the phsychological reasons of your binges. You know binging is a kind of self-destruction and at this point in your life for whatever reason you might be experiencing some dislike to yourself, not being proud of accomplishments etc. (we all feel like that from time to time, it comes and goes) and unconsiously you want to destruct yourself. Being aware about this development is good. Obviously it's not only chemical disbalance in your body that makes you binge. You're right: positive changes in life will drive you out of this vicious cycle, make you like and be proud of yourself again. If you know a good psychologist (real good one) it might help to just have a chat with him about this binging thing, it may really help. Sorry if I've gone too far in the psychological aspect of your problem, I just wanted to give a hand: I'd been struggling with the same problem for a long while, back and forth, probably, too long untill I finally pulled myself off as a result of my own efforts because there was nobody to give me sound advice, which was my own fault - I was too embarrassed to confess to anyone in it.

monet0239 on 08/27/2007:
just wanted to check in and say hello :).. you'll get it.. I just KNOW it.. hugs

hollybelle on 08/28/2007:
You are on the right track with your reasoning. I think it is good that you are open to all options. But, I predict you WILL work in your chosen field - music. don't give up. My brother in law is a musician - it took him a while to get the job he wanted - he woked at that one for a few years and then changed around. He's still do it after all these years - about 20. He works in the school system in a medium sized town in Indiana. We are all rooting for you - no matter where life leads!

Soon2BThin on 08/28/2007:
I'm sure we all do that contemplating from time to time. Who knows the answers? All I can say is do it NOW! At 58, I feel like I've kind of wasted my whole life trying to lose weight, and if I do lose the weight now, I will still be old. Sometimes I feel like my life is over. Especially since I never had a career to fall back on. You hang in there. They say if you can imagine it, you can do it! And do it while you're young.

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