Friday: I'm hoping today is a better day in class. Yesterday went terribly and I embarassed myself. I wish i didn't have to conduct the band again today. today will be the most difficult, because the professor is not allowed to stop us and we have to try to get the band to follow us till the end. If the music falls apart, it'll be embarassing. i'm not good at it and who likes to be put on the spot in front of everyone when they suck at things? oh well. no turning back.
Before i started conducting yesterday, someone asked me if i'm still working in the same district. i said "no" because the teacher who i'd been filling in for was coming back. then, the person who asked me said she thought she'd be teaching elementary band in that district next year. I couldn't believe what i was hearing. it's not the same school i was in. It's a position that is not advertised and it's because another teacher has decided to move upstate. the high school band director had told this girl about the job. so, then the girl says to me "i almost have the job!" i immediately got upset and pissed off. so, i just said "well, that's a great place to work if you get the job." even though that's what i said, for the rest of the night i was a COMPLETE MESS. I did a great job where i worked last year...nothing to be embarassed or upset over at all. but, this girl just drove home the fact that i don't have a job and the fact that i'm not so good at this conducting thing (although it's way beyond the level of music that is done at the elementary/middle school levels...so even if i stink at it, it doesn't mean i couldn't do well teaching elementary.) Not having a job and being amongst so many colleagues that do...i was not having a good night to start...on one hour of sleep because i couldn't sleep and was preparing for class. It makes me never want to do anything with music ever. I was very emotional outside of class during the break. then, a friend of mine tries to comfort me and goes to give me a kiss...and he's married with a daughter! wtf!? so i told as we walked in that i forgave him for all of that...don't worry, i didn't kiss him...and i forgave him because he's a generally nice, helpful, friendly guy. some people make bad choices...he got married basically because his gf was pregnant. who knows how he feels about all of it. he's still young and not everyone makes great decisions. this week has been a terrible whirlwind and i want it to end, i want it to end so bad. and i don't want to miserably do so poorly again tonight. there are so many people there that are watching me and their perceptions are how i will be considered and very lasting. it's my last class...last time i'll be at this university and i have to say, i didn't leave in the most positive, shining, successful way that i would have liked to, i'll tell you that.
Thursday: Calories = 1740, exercise = none.
Progress as of today: 0.2 lbs lost so far, only 8.2 lbs to go!
Thursday edit: BIG BREAKFAST BINGE after being up all night and getting one hour of sleep...1210 calories for breakfast! arg.
....in a few days.....exercise GALORE.
well, kinda exercise galore. i still have a research paper to write and a french horn to practice...but i sound like crap and i have a group that i will be playing with...ehhh. maybe i'll start the research paper next week, instead of this week. eh, maybe i'll do both...we'll see.
yay. the class i'm taking is MORE than halfway done. yay. yay. yay!
total calories today: 1470. wahoo.
exercise: 35 min treadmill!
comments to all of you will start on Saturday!
Progress as of today: 0.2 lbs lost so far, only 8.2 lbs to go!
wednesday morning edit: in an attempt to curb my recent morning splurges for breakfast, i decided to eat a large volume of really fiberous food that would add up to a smaller amount of calories than the past couple days in terms of breakfast foods. so, breakfast was 2 cups of fiber one, one cup of light soymilk, and a packet of blueberry oatmeal. total calories = 470. much better. now, i should really get on to doing work...
late evening edit: this week i've been taking a class...sorry for the lack of comments on your diaries...
total exercise today: 30 min.
total calories: 1520.
Breakfast = 950 calories.
Progress as of today: 0.2 lbs lost so far, only 8.2 lbs to go!
edit: total calories for today: 1520 hmmm. not bad. should have done it a healthier way, without a big binge, though!
breakfast 350 cal, AM binge: 960, total so far (10am) = 1310 calories.
exercise minutes: 54 treadmill.
Progress as of today: 0.2 lbs lost so far, only 8.2 lbs to go!
I'm terrible with vegetables, but I have a pretty good excuse, really! In small amounts, it's okay, but when I start eating more than a serving a day it seriously makes me sick! One way or another, I usually end up not being able to do any exercising for the rest of the day because i'm in too much pain!
See - excuses for everything...
exercise: 40min walk
total July exercise: To be updated...
total calories: 1,000.
Goodnight. this is going to be a whirlwind of a week.
Progress as of today: 0.2 lbs lost so far, only 8.2 lbs to go!
calories: 3655 (I am VERY accurate, it's not a guess...) I can't wait till this class is over...its my last master's class and also the last time i will really have to take a class against my will! I think education and learning are fabulous...but this class, in my opinion, is NOT! it's completely terrorizing. i fear it.
exercise today: 100 min (yoga, bike, treadmill)
total exercise in JULY: 20 hrs, 55min
when this class is done...I am definitely conquering my life back!!! NO more excuses. I CANNOT take it anymore! This summer, so far and thank god it's not over, has royally STUNK. besides yoga and exercise, i have been so antisocial, it's not even funny. but, i didn't want to be social...with work on my mind...this course that starts tomorrow, it's honestly all i can think about. i'm soooo tired of it. so tired. i have been going to school for music for SEVEN years and i'm sooo over it. btw, 7 yrs meaning my undergrad and three yrs getting my masters part time. i seriously cannot take it AT ALL. I want OUT. NOW.
ummmm, MAJOR binge. i could care less right now. my class starts tomorrow.
calories so far: 3655
Progress as of today: 0.2 lbs lost so far, only 8.2 lbs to go!
You know when your class will be over. Perhaps you could start marking off the days on a calendar until it is over. I know this may sound ridiculous but I get great satisfaction from checking off a day, especially when it has been a hard day. Well, just an idea....
Saturday morning edit: I swear, I almost binged this morning. except, my stomach started to bother me since i had eaten plenty of fiberous foods! an apricot, one cup all bran, one cup milk, dannon yogurt. i went on to have two sugar free small fudge pops. all this for 330 calories. thankfully, nothing else. i need to keep up this mentality for the next week. my class starts tomorrow at 3pm.
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Friday:
hi.
total calories: 1500.
lunch was VERY, VERY big. it was just a little under 1,000 calories. I'm not meal planning...or sticking to meal plans!...very well at all!
total exercise: 2hrs, 20 min (60 yoga, 10 bike, 30 weights, 40 elliptical) yay.
total JULY exercise: 19 hrs, 15 min I have a goal of getting 50 hrs of working out this month! that will be a challenge, especially because of next week!
this upcoming week will probably turn out to be a lot less exercise for me because i'm taking a class....we'll see...it depends on the amount of work i will have to do to prepare each day. I'm NOT doing yoga this week because i think it'll take too much out of me, too early in the morning and the class ends late at night. I will probably still do weights, as long as i have time. i hope to still get in a walk/elliptical because i really have NO reason not to
i had a concert tonight. getting a job was on my mind...as well as my class which begins sunday. my mind was wondering, i didn't play my best.
i wish something good would happen to me.
Progress as of today: 0.2 lbs lost so far, only 8.2 lbs to go!
ok, i went to yoga. saw a fellow music teacher..she was awfully nice and encouraging, saying she would let me know if any openings...
total July exercise: 16 hrs, 55 min
total exercise today: 1hr, 25 min (60 yoga, 10 bike, 15 walk)
total calories: 1810. eh, fine.
calories today: there was a binge in the afternoon on just two things: potato chips (3 servings equalling 460 total) and pretzels, 120 calories. however, if i watch my portions, the day will not be ruined in the end! it will be more than 1500, but not more than 2000.
i am so on and off with music. sometimes i feel that i could do it, sometimes i say "I'll never be able to rise to the level i want to be at, so why continue." it's so hard to decide what i want. in life and in general.
biscotti, i don't know if i would want to teach yoga. i enjoy doing it, but i don't think teaching it is for me. it would save some money....but to be certified you have to take a SIX WEEK course in california...but they may have moved it to Hawaii. I definitely can't afford being away from home right now for that long....however, if it don't have a job...lol, it could be worth it since i will have no other obligations. eh, teaching yoga is not for me...at least not right now.
Progress as of today: 0.2 lbs lost so far, only 8.2 lbs to go!
hello!
much better day today. it seems that when i have a least some kind of schedule, things go better. when i have a totally open day...but things on my mind and work to do (but no other planned activities) a binge is more likely to occur. i'm working on that!
exercise today: 145 minutes (60 yoga, 10 bike, 30 weights, 45 cardio)
total calories: 1520.
total exercise in July: 15 hrs, 25 min.
i had a concert tonight...since it was raining it was inside in an elementary school gym! haha! usually we play in parks in the evenings!
i performed "ok." sometimes, i think if i should GO BACK to school for something else. I'm still young, so it's feasable. I don't know. My dad supports me if i do make that decision. my mom probably wouldn't...but she'd have to if he does. I'd have to work though school if i go back, obviously. i'm seriously thinking about it. I'd go back to work in a health field...maybe a nurse practicioner (kinda like a doctor.) but, it may be too much schooling...and i do need to make a decent living soon! I can't just live on nothing and go to school forever.
so, i'm really trying to think what's best for me...and what i can handle financially. it's good i still live at home...even though i'd prefer it some other way.
basically, employment and if it happens will play a major role in my decision. my parents say that if i had a job right now, i wouldn't thinking about a career change. I say that i like music, i don't love it. if i had to stop playing horn tomorrow, i would. i would always enjoy going to concerts and hearing/seeing performances.
Basically, i want to be happy for the rest of my life....and not dissatisfied with myself or my choices. as i get older, i will have less of a chance to make changes and decisions in what i do. especially my occupation.
i'm a decent musician. i must practice A LOT in order to be that way. like most musicians...but some things don't come as naturally as others.
i frequently feel that i have been unable to take part in things i enjoy because of my involvement in community performance groups and whatnot. meaning, sometimes my exercise routine gets hampered...like during the year...not now, of course.
i don't want to make a wrong decision. to tell you the truth, i have a hard time making decisions and i've been completely indecisive since, well, forever! so, maybe it's a good thing for me to change careers now. meaning, partly why i went into it is because i was just following a path that was already decided by those around me...my mom certainly influenced my decision to go the music education route. it's a good route...but maybe not the route for me. basically, my decision will be made based on how getting a job progresses in the next couple months. in many ways, i would rather just switch career choices now. but of course, money plays a role in all of this...getting a whole different degree is not exactly cheap.
what do you think?
Progress as of today: 0.2 lbs lost so far, only 8.2 lbs to go!
total cal: 2140
exercise: 30 min cardio
total July: 13 hrs exercise
5:30pm: 1 pepper, 3 plum tomatoes: 1920 calories.
afternoon edit: 2 green peppers. current total: 1830.
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ahhh: BINGE for breakfast.
breakfast = 1770 calories!
what i need to do is to keep reminding myself that my body is like a temple...not a trash yard. whenever i'm thinking down, i'll indulge, because i already think i'm garbage...but it's only making it worse. I had decided last night that i wouldn't go to yoga today...because i need to do much more work...and this is what happens!
Progress as of today: 0.2 lbs lost so far, only 8.2 lbs to go!
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Whoa! What an emotional time you have had this summer! You are feeling all those emotions and are really doing a great job dealing with them! GEEZ on some of the things that happen, huh?
jon'smom on 07/20/2007:
What a day you had! I hope you have a great weekend! You deserve it!!!
Donkey on 07/20/2007:
Oh my. Oh dear. It must be tremendously stressful to be around people in such a competitive field, where people really like to rub it in that they have found employment. If it's any consolation, I think your response was dignified and graceful.
Perhaps your male friend was just trying to give you a consolation kiss a la "peck on the cheek"? Or am I reading this entirely wrong and he was actually trying to give you a KISS (like you see on the soaps)?
Try to keep in mind that how we think people perceive us and how they actually DO perceive can be very very different. Try to put out of your mind how you think they are seeing your performance, and concentrate on the performance itself. I know it's not easy to do, especially when it's something that's not your "forte". But you must if you are to come out of this with your sanity and self esteem in tact.