Friday afternoon entry:
Today has gone pretty well. I have this huge pimple on my chin area though...and i can't even cover it up well...but i'm going out on this date anyways...
exercise so far: 15 min . haha. plus yoga = 1hr, 45min :) ok.
total exercise: 23hrs, 50 min :)
calories so far: 600. yeah, a really good food day! :) Going out to dinner...I want to keep it light, this day can be GREAT calorie-wise. I just want a salad.
lately, munching on almonds throughout the morning really, really helps. It must be at least two servings. my cravings at lunch have become much more minimal! :)
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Thursday entry:
yesterday i binged and had around 4300 cal.
today started out bad and got better. i have 1340 cal now, before yoga. I plan on going up to 1540 today.
calories: 1400. I'm tired and i'm going to bed. NO MORE EATING for tonight! tomorrow is going to be a challenging day bc the kids I usually teach have like an all day party in their classes...leading to a lot of free time for myself where i can go and get a snack. I'll try to plan healthfully!
exercise 1.5hours.
total ex: 22hr, 5 min
When i binge, I get very negative with myself. I pretty much want to isolate myself from all social situations because i hate how i look...especially my clothes. anyways, i was going to cancel the date tomorrow night because i'm feeling so crappy, but i'll stick with it and see if it goes well. That will help me decide if I want to go out with him anymore.
15 slow, lousy minutes on treadmill. slow means mostly below 3.0 not kidding!
total exercise: 20hrs, 35min.
I can be a broken record sometimes, but it happened again...
Binge today. just not a good day. should have went to yoga! Lately, I've been tired and that's why i think i binged.
before the binge: 1190 cal.
my binge: it started out inocentally with a bottle of kombucha. 60 cal., english muffin with zero calorie spread (120), two light hot dogs (140)and 3 plum tomotoes (60), potato chips (150), vegetable chips 4 servings (600), 2 pieces pound cake (420), one yogurt (140), 6 tablespoons peanut butter (600), ice cream (120), 3 chocolate covered cherries (170) ....trying to remember if i forgot anything...it was all VERY tasty.
after binge: 3770....plus another 600 = 4270 total.
I did this last week and that's why I didn't loose any weight this week. I guess next week is the same thing. I'm caught in a little bit of a struggle arg! i can get out!
I wish I had some great advice to give you, but if I did, then I wouldn't be trapped in the same binge cycle myself! It looks like you wanted to sample everything in the house, which is pretty much the way I usually am during a binge. Except last time I tried something new - restricting my binge to only one or two foods (in this case, bread and chocolate chip Weetabix). I think it actually did work because I couldn't go over about 800 calories of each before I felt sick and had to stop. Although those were certainly among the least nutritious 1600 calories I ever consumed!
I agree that maybe we are being too lenient with ourselves. For me, it all began when I got down to 106 lb last summer. I wisely decided to focus on maintaining instead of losing more and allowed myself 1500 calories a day. That was great at first. I had the occasional splurge on the weekend but I didn't bother to try to make up for it because I figured I had enough "leeway" to gain a little. Only food is addictive and the splurges gradually become more and more frequent, and because I had stopped trying to make up for them, my weight started to creep up again. My solution was simply to stop weighing myself! Telling myself that my weight would eventually come back down. But how could it? When I had completely stopped doing anything to make it happen?
Now I finally see why geevee and others used to say that it is easier to lose than to maintain. At the time, I thought that was insane! But now I see that I need the focus which I can only get from trying to work towards a goal rather than simply maintain the status quo. You get a sense of accomplishment from losing weight that you don't get from just not gaining weight! So henceforth I am going back to trying to lose, even if it's just one or two pounds. Things are already looking up for me - hopefully you too!
yesterday was a big breakfast and today was a big lunch. I know that if I don't watch myself, i could end up binging soon! I need to remember that my body DOES need carbs and that veggies really don't make up for them - and that good grains/breads are good for me...and to eat them so i don't binge on the bad stuff! ok, 'nuff said about that!
exercise so far: 15 min. I need to volunteer for two hours this evening. I don't want to rush to get ready for yoga, either. I was tired today bc i didn't get enough sleep. I was on the phone with the guy and I also woke up in the middle of the night.
exercise: only 15 min this morning but its ok bc i was on my feet volunteering tonight.
total exercise: 20 hrs, 20min.
calories are 1580. I'm totally fine with this amount! I got some tasty foods in and a good amount of breads/starches. I want to work on this area, making sure I do eat breads - and usually the whole grain type! Sometimes, I refrain from most grains and that leads to carb binging later.
What do I want for dinner?? I plan to have not too many veggies bc I had them at lunch and I'm craving OTHER carbs at the moment, although I did have two servings of chips at lunch as well! What should I have!? for some reason, I can't seem to make up my mind. I think its because I'm full at this very moment.
I'm still having nuts everyday and I also ordered a new face wash online because I tried someone else's and it was so gentle on my face! I'll do anything to have clear skin again! My skin isn't terrible but I cannot go a week without a breakout!
good day today!
exercise: 1hr, 45 min. mostly yoga and a 15 min walk. haha.
total exercise: 20 hrs, 20 min!!! :)
calories: 1260 you bet i'm happy. big breakfast and i still watched throughout the day and this worked out wonderfully! :)
My dad said that if i do a couple errands every saturday he'd pay me $48 dollars a week...about 200 a month. Of course I said yes and now I'll make a good amount of extra money each month! yay for that! :)
Is it wrong to just go with the flow in a relationship because I haven't had one in awhile...even though I'm not sure if I'm as attracted to him as I should be??? arg. I always give myself a really hard time with this.
I'm looking foward to a wonderful day tomorrow. I will definitely have to volunteer. I'll only do it for ONE hour though! I want to fit in yoga as well.
I also help out in an afterschool program 2 days a week that I get paid an hour each day for. I am thankful for the couple of extra opportunities that I am fortunate to have right now because they provide me with some extra spending money! yay for that!
goodnight all! :)
And congratulations on the great eating days! You should be very proud of yourself!
Nothing wrong with going with the flow...just don't give your heart or act like you have or lead anyone on.
Have a great evening and a great day tomorrow!
Sunday evening edit:
My date was good, long kiss before train ride home...i will say more tomorrow. I'm still thinking about it and trying to decide if we have enough in common and could possibly be something together.
1790 calories...210 of them being this awesome sour cream pound cake. sounds bad, tastes good! entenman's brand.
goodnight.
exercise: 2.5 hours :) walking/yoga.
total exercise: 18hrs, 35 min!!!! yeah!
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11am edit: calories already 1020 and i'm still going to try to have success with eating lower than 1600 today. If all fails, I will still eat healthy - I promise myself this! :)
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I had a really big breakfast this morning, 730 calories. But now I am done and I feel good and ready to begin a successful day.
Sunday 8:10 AM entry: off to a good start. I went to bed at 3:30am, but I am wide awake today at 8am! Gosh, that's not much sleep! But, at least I'll fall asleep early tonight! I will definitely go to yoga today and walk outside if it turns out to be around 50 degrees.
I will also start my new book by the same author as the last book i was reading. It's called Reality Queen. haha, these books are just for the fun of it, not educational in the least! You do learn a few lessons. I love the author, Debbie DiGiovanni who also wrote Jamaican' Me Crazy. It's an entertaining book about some married ladies on their Christmas Vacation who end up being allowed to take a vacation away from their families during Christmas! Its a weird topic but it ends up teaching quite a few lessons about love and family...and I read it during the winter/Christmas school break. It was written really really recently and some of the things she talks about still linger in the current news. I enjoyed reading it so much that when i went to my public library, I asked for another book by her and they were able to borrow Reality Queen from a nearby library! I'm glad I've begun to read again. I was not a big reader in high school and I feel its important to read, whatever it is you like, because it's good to do more than watch tv.
I have some laundry to catch up on, not much since i've been doing it as soon as it fills up my bin lately so that I don't have more than one load to do at a time. Works out well I tell you! I will also stop by the supermarket to pick up a few things, mainly veggies for the week. Most other things I already have. Kinda like BTC, I'm trying to use up all my "reserves" before going food shopping for all new things. I don't have a lot of money to spare this year so I like to know that I am actually finishing what I bought before i buy too much more!
My dentist appt was a success yesterday, no cavities! yay!
I hope everyone enjoys their day! :)
Yay on the success at the dentist! I love the feeling of just cleaned teeth - and it's even better when you don't have to go back to get yet another hole drilled in your head.
Have a good day!
Enjoy that book and eat healthy! Have a great day, HOP =)
Yes, make a pledge to yourself that regardless of what the calories may end up being, that your choices will be optimally healthy. You can do it!
Saturday evening, actually Sunday 3am entry:
exercise: 2hrs.
16hrs, 5min :) and walking in the city, which i did not record. I think its only fair for me to record planned exercise! LOL
i went to a restaurant in NYC for dinner, so I have to estimate calories. I ate my entire dinner, so calories are higher.
I'm estimating Saturday's calories as 2,000. I think this is a good estimate and I know that I have balanced out the calories today with exercise. I plan for tomorrow to be a good eating day. I'd like to have 1550 tomorrow or something to that degree.
SATURDAY AM edit: feeling slightly bingy but working through it this morning. I will not snack again until I eat after yoga. There's no need since my breakfast was balanced. 310 cal so far.
I am aiming to eat will since i am going out tonight with my date. i might suggest we go to an organic food place in the city, New York City, that is. He's into healthy foods...and all of you know i am...so we shall see! He doesn't drink much, and neither do i, so this would be fun for us both!
i also have a dentist appt at 5pm. Then i'll come home to quickly put on some makeup/fix makeup because you know how it is as the dentist with all the spraying and stuff they do around your mouth you never look good after.
hmmmm, the day is ok so far... :)
I will record 2hours as my saturday exercise! yay. 16 hrs, 5min total.
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Friday entry:
there is one person on here that I leave comments for and she never leaves them for me! why!?
good day. 2 hrs exercise!
TOTAL JAN EXERCISE: 14 HRS, 5 MIN. GETTING BETTER.
1400. this is much, much better than yesterday and a good amount for me.
if i can weigh 105...or inbetween 105-110 for the rest of my life...i would be VERY happy with that weight. I soooo would like to be this weight by the end of the school year. I probably weigh around 125 right now. I need to get a move-on. I could lose 3 lbs a month, then by the end of June I'd weigh 110! That would be just so awesome. But, this is kind of a lofty goal. Not much wiggle room, but less than a lb a week for weight loss. It's doable. The last time I weighed 110, actually around 107, was last December '06. I'd like to maintain my weight better than i did last year bc i dropped fast but then didn't keep it as low as I would have liked. blah blah. enough rambling!
anyways, i went to costco with my parents. I wanted to buy a big thing of almonds but somehow we didn't leave the store with them! they got placed back on the shelf...ooops. It was good to just walk around and not sit on my ass all night! :)
Have a great time on your date tonight! (Hopefully it's just a cleaning at the dentist...)
And wanted to thank you for the comment you left me..thanks hon
Friday afternoon edit before yoga: I am doing better today. This morning was bingy but I made sure to watch myself as the afternoon went by. I am happy that my binge from yesterday is in the past and that today is a new day. I still have a goal of weightloss throughout January till June. I want to be successful, mainly because I believe that what is on the inside is not comparable to how I feel about myself on the outside.
Exercise will be at least two hours. (1/2 hour on treadmill and 1.5 hours yoga.) ...now i'm off to make a few journal comments and then catch up later with the rest of the journals! I'm excited about that! :)
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Thursday entry:
1/2 hour exercise.
total 12 hrs, 5 min.
I don't think i can comment on journals right now, i'm too spacey from this binge.
oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. sorry for the language, but i made a horribble choice after school today. This whole day i was hungry, moreso than usual. I didn't have cake at lunch bc it was someone's bday, but i DID come home and eat tablespoons and tablespoons of peanut butter, chips, bread, frankfurters and everything else like sweet yogurts and dried fruit that destroys a diet.
is my diet totally destroyed? of course not....
my face was improving bc i've been eating better, but today's binge surely will most definitely have an effect on the clarity of my skin...breakouts and all... i'm praying that it doesn't get worse though.
i walked 20 min in the AM. First, my plan was to do both volunteering and yoga after school. but, i was too exhausted. I am home and decided only to do yoga but then i found myself totally wrapped up in a large binge so no yoga today.
total calories are 3450. (the binge was a full 2600 cal.)
not a good day but any means. I am not proud because now i have definitely had a backslide in weightloss. what's the point of knowing what i do about health and nutrition if i can't actually use the knowledge i have. binging makes me NOT want to go out because i feel bad about myself and how i look.
i have a date Saturday evening and now I don't want to go. I spent the whole week trying to keep calories low because of my binge saturday. now, I have binged twice, Saturday and today, Thursday. arg!!! not good!!!
basically, i realize that whenever i decide to cancel my plans, it always results in a binge. so i guess being lazy is not the way to go. or, i should have just taken a nap and went to volunteer. I have to REMEMBER that TIRED doesn't mean EAT.
i'm frustrated because i know i can be something so much better than i am. on the outside is not what i know from the inside. this is hard and it shouldn't be.
I think i'm ready to stop eating when full. I think, but i'm not sure, that I am ready to be an intuitive eater again. I will count calories, but i will try to stop when full. Maybe i'll be much more successful this way. We'll see. I'm not happy how things are going.
I promise myself to be smarter about this. Much smarter. :(
Goodnight.
Take care of yourself and rest well =)
Remember why you're here and decide what it is you need to make a priority and work on that for a while, instead of trying to struggle through each binge feeling like a failure. It's just not worth it, HoP, it's not worth the amount of time you're spending on feeling like crap. As much as we say we have our whole lives ahead of us, that time can fly by so quickly and it would be very sad if most of that time was spent feeling horrible about ourselves.
Geez, I REALLY think I should take my own advice...
good day overall. there WAS binge eating, but it was on healthy foods and i was able to still keep calories at a very good average. calories are 1280 and that makes me very happy. I'm STILL bloated from my binge on the weekend which is really annoying!
binge eating to me means eating when not physically hungry and eating past full...as well as contantly snacking.
the test was HARD to say the least. you can tell everyone thought so. It wasn't even meant to be finished! nobody finished any section. I think i did on the best on the reading part. there were also spelling, analysis, math, and science questions...as well as a part meant to test you on your personality. The hardest section for me was the science. I haven't taken any science for awhile on there were questions on physics, chemistry, anatomy, biology...you name it! so, that was not so hot. everything else was ok. I honestly think i did do well enough to get into a program still! Results and interviews for any program don't take place until the end of february and march. so lots of waiting time.
i did go to yoga and i also took two walks today.
today's exercise: 2hr, 10 min
total exercise: 11hrs, 35 min! :)
i had a mini-binge today. chips and english muffins and butter spray. lol. my lack of sleep and slight depression feelings caught up.
happily, i can report i stopped the binge after awhile.
1775 calories.
I will go to yoga, even though it's on a full stomach.
Today's exercise: 1.5 hours.
total: 9hrs, 25 min
It's gonna be a tough yoga class...ouch! :) bending over...i can feel my stomach already! but i have to go, i have to break through this.
I went to register this morning, leaving my house at 6:45am. I got to the community college at about 7am. thank god i got there then because there was already a line forming!!!!! yeah, that's right! and registration didn't start until 9am! so we waited and waited, talked and talked. I ended up getting into a sunday class in anatomy and physiology from 8:40am till 3pm! yeah, long class indeed! I originally asked for the saturday class, but the girl who went in before me got the last seat! so, I was happy to get in and know i don't have to worry anymore about that!
After that, I had to actually go somewhere else once signed in by the chairperson...i had to go to registration and wait on another line! Things took so long! then, i was told to wait on line, a third line, to pay the bill! i was angry bc i had to go back to work and couldn't believe i had to wait on the line just to pay and that i couldn't do it at another time! so, then this lady comes over about 10 minutes later, as i'm complaining to everyone and everything that will listen, annoucing to everyone that we don't have to pay now and we can go upstairs to pick up our bill and pay online within 48 hours! So, i immediately left, picked up my bill, and went to work! ugh!!!! yuck!
lately, everything is one large cruddy process! Life is a process I am learning, and we all just have to struggle through it. It makes you a better person if you do.
so, now i'm off to yoga on a bloated stomach! yucky. at least my calories are not astronomically, although most of the calories i did eat today...and all of the calories i ate this afternoon, are carbs...bread and chips. lol. arg. enough complaining already from me!...and no, i wasn't taking my time eating and that's why i binged!
Enjoy yoga tonight!
Have a much better day today! I'm going to work on my exercise hours today!
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I agree -- it may be a good indicator if you still want to date this man. I have to say, my Husband is the only one I would want with me when I am at my worst feeling.
dearerdiarist on 01/17/2008:
Fight isolating yourself at all costs, HOP. There surely are so very many lovely things about you besides the image you have of yourself in your wanting to lose weight mode. You are a work in progress. Glad that you have decided to stick with the date in spite of feeling "crappy" :) Have fun!
maria777 on 01/17/2008:
Hope you've had a better day today! Your plan for eating today sounds good.
legcramps on 01/17/2008:
Gather up that strength, HoP, and get back into it! You're doing fine, forget about the binge and focus on what it's trying to tell you - maybe you're overdoing things and you need to be still for a moment and figure out what it is you're trying to accomplish. Things are looking GOOD today! Get to that yoga class!
workingit2 on 01/17/2008:
Relax..take some deep breaths...and don't beat yourself up! You know this is a pattern and you are learning how to recognize it and learning what triggers it..cut yourself some slack. An ED is nothing easy to deal with =) I think you are doing very well considering what you are struggling against in all areas of your life.
applemarket on 01/18/2008:
You may have had a slip-up with that binge but at least you still got your exercise in and this day's calorie count was low! It's hard to get back on the wagon but it's much harder dealing with negative emotions, bad body image and feeling fat and unhealthy! Sometimes I hate how I look too and refuse to leave the house, the only thing that comes from that is sitting in front of the tv and binging continuously. So you should go out and have fun and put the bad day behind you!!
borntocry on 01/18/2008:
Oh, poor HoP! I know what you mean - overeating puts me in a VERY unromantic mood! And I can rarely share the reason with my husband because of his unsympathetic attitude towards this kind of behaviour. But maybe the thought of the upcoming date will help curb your urge to snack during the day. I remember that was the case for me when I was first going out with my husband. One time I got a lovely goat-cheese salad but couldn't eat a single bite because I was so enthralled by his charms, haha!
hopinforachange on 01/18/2008:
I hope that you have had a good day today. Do you think we will ever get over those awful pimples? I thought we were supposed to grow out of that. Take care of yourself and keep your chin up.
workingit2 on 01/18/2008:
How cool that almonds are helping! Have fun on your date! =) **remember, we want some details! lol**