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Horn_of_plenty - Wednesday Oct 03, 2007

Weight: 0.0

exercise: 65 min.

edit: binged after school.

after the soup...instead of having dinner later at subway, i had:

2 servings tam tam whole grain crackers: 240

entire pint of cottage cheese: 480

chocolate pudding: 120

egg crackers: 175

peanut butter: 300

small binge = 1315 calories + rest of day = 2770 calories. well, i'm actually fine with it. (don't ask!)

Breakfast: oatmeal with one scoop of chocolate protein powder and one egg in it...as well as some maple syrup on top. this dish was like an oatmeal pudding/soft cake. 300

snack 1: 1/2 pb sandwich 200

snack 2: 1/2 pb sandwich 200, packet of juice mix - 20

lunch: black beans and lettuce with olive oil 380?

snack 3: tortilla soup with kelp noodles and a plum. 340

snack 4: whole grain tam tam crackers. this turned into a small binge.

exercise: exercising at the university. update to come.

Sandra aka Soul on 10/03/2007:
What are tam tam crackers?

Donkey on 10/03/2007:
Well, I was about to congratulate you for a good day. I guess not! Keep trying!!!

workingit2 on 10/04/2007:
It looks like you were craving the creamy texture foods and the crunchy to balance it. Sometimes I feel that way where I want mac&cheese, grilled cheese, and chips. Something about the smooth and crunchy together that soothes my mind. I wish I knew what it was. Maybe we can figure it out together? ((((((((Hug))))))))))

Horn_of_plenty - Tuesday Oct 02, 2007

Weight: 0.0

today's exercise = 1hr :)

thanks for the continued support in times of need! :) I'm feeling better! :)

today was a good day. i'm just soooo tired today! I actually came home and layed down for a bit after work. going out to exercise soon! :) I will also do some reading! I keep saying that, but it never gets done! haha. and i enjoy reading, once i get into it.

I was so disgusted by the somewhat dirty carpet in my room that i ended up vacuuming it this morning! haha...before work! :)

today was good...tomorrow will be even better! I have really exciting goals ahead for these 3 months. I plan to update with my success.

basically, the reason i have some good days and some not must be because any change in schedule and uncertainty causes me to sometimes fall back on food. food is sometimes treated as my comfort and that i believe is why i have some good days and some bad. however, these next three months, i'm sticking to my plan (unless i find it doesn't work!). I plan to update with fitness and weight loss success! :)

Donkey on 10/02/2007:
OMGosh, HOP! That last paragraph you wrote, about the changes and uncertainty -- that is EXACTLY how I was feeling yesterday. I had an errand to run and I opted not to do it (see my entry for today), and I felt like a nervous wreck because what I wanted done didn't get done! Honey, I feel your pain!!!

GG on 10/03/2007:
I hate having tired days but sadly they are pretty much every day of my life! But I just try to think postively, take my vitamins and....drink caffiene! haha! What stinks is when I feel like I want to take a nap (and have time for one) but I already drank my caffiene so.....when I lay down, I CANNOT SLEEP! ugh, how annoying! It is almost better to just not try and sleep! Why are you sticking to the plan the next 3 months? Why not the rest of your life?

Horn_of_plenty - Monday Oct 01, 2007

Weight: 0.0

did horribly today. ate great in the AM and lunch too. binged when i got home. 4800 calories.

exercise will be at least one hour.

i'm dying dying dying...going deeper, deeper, deeper. not sure what to do!

i cannot seem to eat ordinarily anymore. it's so difficult lately. don't know what to do.

it will HAVE to be mind over matter for me. there's just simply no other way.

You know, i think in some ways i can prove stronger than most people. and that's it - I will have to prove to myself and others this fact just one more time! :)

Donkey on 10/01/2007:
You clearly do not binge every day. What makes some days "successful" and others not? Think about that.

Do you think exercising sets you up for bingeing?

If it's any consolation --- and I say this to give you HOPE not to discourage you --- I had some pretty serious food issues when I was in college. I was not able to conquer them until after I moved AWAY from my mother. When I was on my own, and I had to pay for my own food and stay within my budget, the bingeing went away (for the most part).

You CAN conquer this. It will be hard. You may not be able to do it alone.

workingit2 on 10/01/2007:
I sure do know that feeling, and it comes for me when I am having depression issues. Sometimes it seems I am fighting so hard to control one aspect of my life that the others suffer. It isn't easy for any of us to find that balance where we can accept that we can't have total control over everything and that we have to have that balance in our lives, even if it means that EVERYTHING can't be perfect. I have always tried to be the perfect daughter, employee, boss, mother, girlfriend, wife, etc. and it still bugs me to this day that I can't be perfect because I want so badly to make everyone happy around me so that I can feel that I am worth loving. It is never a 'food' issue with me..but food is what i use to console myself and to pretend that I am making a controlled decision. Even though I know it is an out of control behavior on my part, I lie to myself and say "I wanted to do that" even while I am telling folks that I hate myself for doing it. If anything, for me, it isn't so much a food addiction as it is a self-harm mechanism much like cutting is for some people. I am not saying this is anything you are experiencing, just wanted to share my deep, dark secret about my relationship with food.

Even now I am fighting my desire to eat and eat because of my seperation anxiety of feeling closer to Brian, and believing that he is going to go away.

The things in our hearts and minds are very real and we seek to figure them out and tame them by many different means. Just as some people exercise too much, others spend too much money, and some drink...sometimes I eat too much. And despite all the support and encouragement, for me, having a problem with food is a very lonely and very scary thing. Being obese, coming from that world, still being overweight and capable of going right back to obesity, that is fear. The desire to escape reality and tell myself that I wanted to overeat is very real.

Sorry to ramble on, just wanted to let you know that even if what we do it for is for different reasons, you aren't alone. I am struggling with my baby steps, but I know I have to keep fighting because I have to get control.

I am curious, you mentioned that you have to prove stronger to other people? Who are those people you have to prove yourself to? Are you trying to prove it to them to send them a message that they can't hurt you or derail your life? Are you trying to be better than your sister, maybe? I know there is some tension between the two of you and that she gets on your last nerve. I struggled with trying to be better than my sister for years, or to be as good as her. We still have our issues. But finally I was able to tell myself that I don't really care what she does with her life because worrying about her life only means that I am taking away time to LIVE mine.


And PS..the guy playing catch with himself...funny!

mcwoo40 on 10/02/2007:
Hi,I am in no postion to give any advice with my record,although you are binging at least you are exercising and not putting not too much weight on.I am very stressed with kids and animals and husband!!I'm binging and not exercising=FAT.Although today i will give myself some credit I have been very good but the day is not over!!I hope you will get your head around this for a healthy mind and body,you know you have people here,who will give you there support,Take care,Julie

nerak on 10/02/2007:
We all have an occasional binge. Don't let it dictate to you or make you feel like you have blown it. Start fresh. Maybe you could exercise as soon as you get home - give you something else to do than eat. I know that is a hard time for me. Good luck today.

Horn_of_plenty - Sunday Sep 30, 2007

Weight: 0.0

so, like i said, the guy really DOES play catch by himself!!! LOL, he goes to a raquetball court and throws the ball against the wall and catches it! crazy! or, that gets boring!

anyway. today was a good day exercise-wise. I did some walking and elliptical. 2 hrs total!! yesterday was also great! (2 hrs yesterday as well!) I did the elliptical at the gym by me and ran into someone i know. it was nice, because she exercised next to me and we got to talk to each other. she doesn't mind and lets talking while exercising.

so, tomorrow my plan is to go to the hospital after work to try to set up an interview so i can get a part time weekend job. I don't need another job during the week - teaching is enough.

total sept: 34hrs, 45 min.

this equals 69.5 minutes per day. :)

Horn_of_plenty - Saturday Sep 29, 2007

Weight: 0.0

sunday edit: my lust for that guy is surpisingly over. it turns out he is waaaaay tooooo independent. He enjoys doing most everything on his own. I don't see how someone can live their life only going to movies, playing catch, and ice skating with themselves. It's hard to believe in my opinion. Those activities to me seem like ones you do with people. Of course, i have went to a movie by myself, in the past, but all in all I enjoy a pal to be with once in awhile!


I have a small problem on my hands.

Today was a bad day, another bad day amongst many this week and these past two months.

up until 10:20 or something I ate 2450 calories.

at 4:30, i came home and was going to eat soup for around 340 calories. well, i didn't just eat soup, of course. I proceeded to eat 2570 calories. if you're interested, the foods included: soup, italian bread, chocolate chip chocolate cake, milk, chex cereal (2 cups), granola (4 cups) and peanut butter, again.

worst part, i didn't realize how many calories more i actually had until i added it up after i ate that second "meal."

I just have to stop. I am looking to get the part time job at a hospital on weekends. they get hundreds of applicants each week...so i will have to go in person next week monday after school to see what i can do.

now, as for tomorrow, i naturally want to not eat. as you can see, i've had what could easily be 3 days worth of food in one day. It adds up to 1673 calories a day if i were to divide today's total by 3 days. this is definitely a bit out of hand.

like i said a bazillion times, i know what to do but i can't seem to do it. meaning, i can't seem to eat right even though i know pretty much what i need to do. and, i've done it before.

since everything i ate just now is sooo high in carbs, i'm nervous how i'll feel when i wake up tomorrow morning, probably ravenous!


btw, the guy i have been talking to online i know from college. we hung out once a few years ago. then, he moved and somehow we started talking again, i think he imed me! haha...and i see he just signed onto aim. i'm NOT going to im him now though. that would be way too strange considering its the middle of a saturday. i was thinking of calling him today. alright, i'll hold out till tomorrow.

workingit2 on 09/29/2007:
You know, HOP, I am thinking about joining TOPS in my area for the in person support of it all. The dues are like $25 a year and you go to a meeting once a week and weigh in once per week. It sure is hard trying to climb out of the constant eating frenzy!

Good luck with your guy friend! Sometimes a little romance is a great kick in the pants LOL

GG on 09/30/2007:
HA HA LUST: that is all I ever have with guys! It is so sad! But unlike in your situation where your guy was too independant: I am too independant and HATE having people constantly nagging me to do something because I am such a home-body who just likes to cook dinner and kick her feet up on the coffee table with a nice movie and a cup of tea! ha! I dont think any guys our ages are like that...Hopefully soon though! hahah! Have a good sunday and keep those calories in CHECK!!! haha!

Workingit2 on 09/30/2007:
LOL ok a movie I can do by myself..but playing catch? Not gonna happen LOL

hollybelle on 09/30/2007:
Just checking in with you HOP. Had to laugh at the WI2's comment about playing catch by yurself - I just got a mental image of that guy doing it! Ha!

Horn_of_plenty - Friday Sep 28, 2007

Weight: 0.0

2nd edit this morning: binge. but i'm stopping after this ice cream. haha

breakfast: pb on bread: 550 cal. (8am)

binge: 10:20am: red pepper, brussel sprouts (which i didn't finish bc they weren't good, with 4 slices of cheese, 3 pieces deli ham, 2 english muffins, 5 tablespoons pb, 2 cups ice cream.

total so far: 2540 cal.

Saturday morning edit:

Well, i don't have set plans for today. I don't do well on days like this one...or tomorrow (no set plans either.) I wish I was in a relationship because then i could do things with my partner. ok, this may sound so strange...and it is. I want to take myself to an afternoon movie. lol, such a loner i'm becoming. but, i doubt i'll go. it's not worth it..to pay just to go to a movie with myself. i'd rather rent one...and hope that i don't binge during it.

ok, i have one plan. To eat about 1200 cals or low cals...and to exercise for 8 miles walking, not all at once. that is my plan but it sounds boring. a better plan would be to walk to the library, do some reading, walk home. (10-15 min walk one way.) next, i could bike at the park or bike around the university on the outside track they paved a couple years ago. I've never used it, so that would be fun. AND, its like 3 miles around, so it makes for less boredom. well, that's my plan. i don't want to binge. one factor that really helps to prevent this is that my pants are all a bit small. and i'm not buying bigger ones. i've already done that...and the end of last year!

Friday evening entry:

overall sept exercise: 30 hrs, 45 min :)

overall a far better day than yesterday.

breakfast: some 90 second microwavable seasoned rice pilaf with beans and all sorts of things in it! awesome and satisfying mix of carbs, protein, fat.

fruit lunch.

snack/dinner: HUGE 24 ounce green drink from a health food store, kashi bar, followed by the leftover pilaf from breakfast...salad...tomatoes...a diet 7up...i think that's it...it was definitely a slight, but healthier, binge.

snack after workout: decaf iced coffee and a cup of light ice cream.

calories are actually low

exercise: 55min.

Workingit2 on 09/29/2007:
Congrats on the smaller and healthier binge! Maybe we can both cycle down to normal eating patterns together lol.

I used to go to the movies by myself all the time. I would still do it to this day except I am so busy and so broke lol. Of course a matinee is usually only about $5...but I can't go into a theater without getting the butter soaked popcorn and I think I'll save a trip to the theater for a day when I am celebrating something. I don't mind going to the movies alone, but the first time I did it after my divorce on Christmas without my kids home, it broke my heart.

I know what you mean about having a relationship. Brian and I still don't have a relationship, we are still just doing the dating thing...and my heart feels like it wants more, but we both want to take it slow. All I can say is that it is a very confusing time for me right now. But it is also a very good learning process. Your online guy might not be mr. right...but he may be mr. right now. So, have fun!

The one thing I am doing differently with this guy than with any other guy I've dated before, I am letting HIM make all the major moves (calling me, suggesting get together times) because I want to see exactly where he is and if I go doing everything in an attempt to create something when we aren't really ready, I might miss those signals that I always missed before and end up getting hurt. I am so afraid of getting hurt and feeling this close to someone new in my life, really freaks me out lol.

HAVE FUN! Get out there and DATE!

nerak on 09/29/2007:
I would go with plan 2 - walk to the library etc. Sounds like a lot more fun that just walking. My life has changed a lot lattley and I am discovering that I actually have fun doing some things by myself. It is also great to call up a girl friend and go for coffee or just sit and chat.

Horn_of_plenty - Thursday Sep 27, 2007

Weight: 0.0

I know what it takes to loose weight, but I'm stabbing myself in the back. All of August and September has been this way. It's like a ratio of one good day for every THREE bad days. More bad than good = weight gain. I know I also have a bit more muscle from an increase of exercise. However, for the most part, I'm turning into a nice soft blob. It's like i'm afraid to watch what i eat...and to stop when i'm full. It's such a challenge for me to stop and not finish things. and,whenever i do finish things, i end up going back for other things. and that, my friends, is what takes me into a full blown binge.

i ended up doing 55 min of elliptical...that's good on a full stomach. actually, bloated, disgustingly oversized stomach. oh deary!

total sept exercise: 29 hrs, 45 min.

i pigged out after work today. damn. calories could have been wonderful for today. Now they're not. boy do i make wrong choices! calories for today are: 3420 yikes. my pants are already too small. i've been having wayyyy more bad than good days. i wonder how to change this. i didn't have my car today and didn't want to exercise downstairs or outside (bad weather). so, stupid me comes home and eats at 5:30.

i had two tuna wraps. lots of rice pudding, chocolate pudding, PEANUT BUTTER UP THE WHAZOO, yogurt, granola and milk, milanos. you get it.

sheesh. i need to do better. i actaully got full in the middle of the wrap...but i didn't want to eat it later or waste it. i should have thrown it away. i'm still bad at stopping when satisfied. boy does this have to change!!!!

thats all for now.

Donkey on 09/27/2007:
Oh my. I had a hard day too. I really tried hard to stay away from the food. Peanut butter must be a universal comfort food. Funny, because it seems like such a "dirty" food to me, although I love it.

jon'smom on 09/28/2007:
I hate to "waste" food too. It seems to me if you don't eat what you bought, you just thrown your hard money away. And I also have a hard time for "saving it" for later because I told myself it would not taste as good.

But I also have been working on myself to change this way of thinking and I think I am finally getting there. You can too! Try to keep a trash can around so you can toss the food when you are full. Also I notice you like a variety of food (like me!) My sister is going to try the Nutrisystem program. I am going to see what foods she can have and her meal plans. Maybe then I can buy foods that are similar to hers and see if this glycemic diet thing really works. I will let you know about the plan when she gets started! Hang in there!

borntocry on 09/28/2007:
Boy do I feel for you, HoP. I know how horrible it is to have to exercise on an overstuffed stomach. In fact... I never wrote about this here because I was too embarrassed, but do you know what happened to me over the summer? I went on holiday to Denmark and "ran" a half-marathon there. I say "ran" because I pigged out on the hotel buffet breakfast beforehand (cereal, bread, eggs, cheese, pancakes, hash browns, pastries - you name it) and could barely walk, let alone run. In fact at one point I was actually crawling along the side of the road trying not to throw up. The race was in the middle of nowhere and there were no organisers or anyone to help me get back to the town, where my husband was waiting for me at the finish line! I was crying pathetically and had to go to the first aid tents when I finally finished the race hours later. Seriously I think the psychological scar has actually helped reduce the frequency of my binges. I only have to think of that terrible experience and it puts me off food.

So yeah... maybe that story will have some effect on you as well, even though you didn't have to live through it.

Horn_of_plenty - Wednesday Sep 26, 2007

Weight: 114.0

today's breakfast stunk to the high heavens. i continued my "binge" in a way. however, after i ate what i took, i didn't go back for more, which is a BIG plus.

breakfast was around 1200 cals and lunch around 200.

anyways, total is around 2050 and that's good.

i exercised 5 miles today. I wanted 6 but my ankle was really bothering me, especially since i walked a lot during the school day. however, i want to be able to use my ankle more and more...but it takes time. i've already overdone it. but, i'm not about to skip exercise. tomorrow will be a biking day. maybe a little walking. we'll see.

total sept exercise: 28 hrs, 50 min :)

Progress as of today: -0.6 lbs lost so far, only 14 lbs to go!

nerak on 09/27/2007:
That binge eating is hard stuff to deal with. I fight with it every night when I am home alone. If you find an answer for it let me know!!! Enjoy your bike ride.

Horn_of_plenty - Tuesday Sep 25, 2007

Weight: 114.0

I actually forgot to write an entry yesterday! amazing!

yesterday's info:

so, i got in a good amount of exercise: 1 hr, 40 min. biking and walking.

foods were good too.

total sept exercise: 27 hrs, 30 min :)

today's entry:

however, my body has been a bit tired lately and i want it to feel better so i can exercise with more drive and energy. I am pretty much taking tonight to recover as i am tired and not in the mood to exercise. I KNOW that tomorrow will be a good day. I'll probably go to the university to use the gym...or park to walk. I would like a change of pace from walking...and i'm not really up for biking right now.

my ankle bothers me a little...which isn't good. i'll make sure i stretch a lot tonight, do some helpful yoga poses, and do some ab work. really, i don't think i need to do any exercise...i can tell my body needs some rest. Sometimes, i motivate myself by realizing that unlike people that must commute by walking or biking long distances to work, i've NEVER had to do that! Therefore, the only exercise i get is the planned exercise. most of my routine doesn't involve exercise; and that's why it's so important that i put it in!

my wrist even hurts...i was testing kids today and it involved a LOT of FAST writing!

foods today:

pb sandwich with banana, kombucha drink, diet hot chocolates, pineapple, whole wheat wrap with chicken inside, 2 cucumbers with balsamic vinegar...1.5 cops bean mix....soup, popcorn,

for dinner, i plan on canned chicken soup with some of the kelp noodles i have around...and maybe shirataki also. I'm in the mood for comfort food and also filling food. yeah, i have a bit of that shakey feeling that i get when i'm about to binge. so far, i've controlled myself. I think i am going to be fine. I also have laundry to do and things to read. If i want, i'll sit on the stationary bike and watch some tv at home. i need to occupy myself :)

after dinner: rice pudding, crachers, creal, milk....gosh...i'm eating past full...need to count calories...they are: 1250 (this is just for one of the desserts after dinner)

eesh...3125 calories today. + 3 milanos = 3235 + a wrap of pb and banana = 3700. = oh well.

Progress as of today: -0.6 lbs lost so far, only 14 lbs to go!

Sandra aka Soul on 09/25/2007:
I would love to learn yoga, any suggestions for an easy way to introduce me to it?

legcramps on 09/26/2007:
Hey, hey, hey, lay off the binge eating!!!!

You know what helps me to not binge? (that is, when I actually do it, cause i'm a great binge-eater) - going to bed early or taking a nice long hot bath.

Horn_of_plenty - Sunday Sep 23, 2007

Weight: 114.0

edit after dinner: i splurged and had another wrap - just the bread not the inside filling - after dinner. actually, i took two, but as i started to eat the second i realized i was pretty full and i only wanted one more, not two. I actually spit out the second wrap and threw the rest of it away! Usually, i CANNOT waste these wraps because i LOVE them! so, i'm glad i'm heading in the right direction again! This would be the direction of stopping when full, not pain-ful!

total calories are 2850.


dit: ok, for dinner i'm having a wrap with brussel sprouts and some egg whites in it. total calories: about 200.

I have definitely been derailed because of this weekend! but, i did exercise a lot today, which makes up for a lot of the calories.


2500 calories before some dinner. yeah, i'm definitely having a bit more to eat...or i'm going to regret that i didn't have anything before bed and eat poorly tomorrow.

i was a bit lonely today: I need a weekend part time job or a boyfriend or both!

i overate at breakfast: 2300 calories.

i walked a TON. 8 miles = 2 hrs, 40 min. not at all once.

total sept minutes:25 hrs, 50 min!!!

Progress as of today: -0.6 lbs lost so far, only 14 lbs to go!

GG on 09/23/2007:
Man, what did you have for breakfast! haha!

maria777 on 09/24/2007:
What did you have for breaky if you don't mind my asking..it must have been REAL GOOD!!! That sounds terrific about your Grandma...mine loved to cook, too. I might look up some sucotash recipes online. Looks like you sure did get plenty of exercise in today! Have a good evening!

mcwoo40 on 09/25/2007:
Hiya,hope you are keeping on track.Not a great fan of brussel sprouts.Good luck on getting your p/t job and boyfriend,there is someone for everyone they say,Bye,Julie

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