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Horn_of_plenty - Monday Aug 05, 2019
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights)
Weight: 116.2

Home kombucha 50

Breakfast: wrap and egg 200 with seasonings, avocado 100. coffee 50. 350.

Snack: almonds 100.

Lunch: healthy from home...maybe with some quinoa added from buffet...we all went out to Scnippers...i had a small amount of fries bc we had extra at the table 250, half my turkey burger with some dressing 200, half the bun 100, salad with light balsamic dressing 100, croutons 150. total 800? maybe overetimated, but rather it be over than under!

snack: APPLE 100, ALMONDS 100

dinner: will be light, thinking yogurt and fruit after dentist. after dentist also picking up 1 gallon seltzer (no more than that bc i'm walking home with it - dentist is 5-10 min walk from bus and my house)...

dinner ended up being leftover salmon, a miso soup I did for takeout and chips. Around 550

2050 and a great day 

2166 3day  

half hour walk also 




Higher cals over the weekend, but nothing too crazy or remarkable, thankfully.  And lots of health added in also.

Dentist appt after work today, so i will def leave 20min early or so.


Progress as of today: -2.2 lbs lost so far, only 3.2 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 08/05/2019:
Your food all sounds good........

Horn_of_plenty on 08/06/2019:
and it was satisfying...though after a bigger lunch than planned, i had to watch more carefully portions for the rest of the day!

Horn_of_plenty - Sunday Aug 04, 2019
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights)
Weight: 116.2

9-10am oatmeal with almond milk 170, strawberry protein smoothie i made 200,  iced coffee 50. 450

10:30-3:00 before / during workout chocolate protein nut butter 100, pb on rice cracker 100, cranberry juice 60, more pb 100, cranberry/amino mix 50, light lunch at 1pm egg with seasonings 100, bean chips 200, strawberries 100, 50

Salad 150,  burger 300, bun 150, dessert 250. 850

5am monday strawberries 50






1- first plan for today is my weights workout which could take a couple hours at least..so i'm combining it with the next task!.

2-  laundry...maybe clean up the hamster cage too

3- second to last - possible short 15-20min bike ride (maybe)

4- last - bbq over at parent's house

no supermarket, no errands. - i can catch up on buying some groceries on Wednesday, between 2 dr appts and it's a day off from work for me. :)  i'll make sure to do a weights routine on Wednesday and maybe a bike ride too. but we'll see what i have time for! - not sure if i am doing thsi today or wednesday, lol, i keep changing my mind!


Progress as of today: -2.2 lbs lost so far, only 3.2 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 08/04/2019:
I found some smoothie mixes here....I will be having those..plus making up my own too.....( but I seriously hate washing the blender...I swear...every time I use my ninja...I slice my fingers.....that thing is like it's made of razor blades.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/05/2019:
this smoothie wasn't fantastic and i have the ninja too but i try not to mess too much with the blades! yes, they are so sharp!

for the smoothie, i used about a cup of cottage cheese, 14 strawberries, small amount vanilla, small amount sf maple syrup and tablespoon pb. the strawberries were frozen so i kept adding some as the blender would allow, since it's hard for the blades to cut thru only frozen stuff without a little liquid involved if you get me..it was good, but boring - and the recipe was advertising a "pudding" when it really was just a smoothie as it was very thin. still good with oatmeal though instead of my yogurt. i have half left still!. ..maybe i'll freeze it until this coming weekend.

do you think it'll stay fresh a whole week?

BearCountryGG on 08/05/2019:
I seem to cut myself taking the blades out of the drawer more than anything....I love the blender...iuti is super strong....I'm just a cluttz with it though...LOL....freezing your leftovers sounds like a good idea.

Horn_of_plenty on 08/06/2019:
ohhh, i keep the blades screwed in or almost screwed in, resting on top of the blender on my counter...so i never am reaching for the blades! why don't you put them in a paper bag or keep them in the blender! lol, i'd be scared to reach for it also if i were in your position! ouch!

BearCountryGG on 08/06/2019:
I have so many pieces...and 3 blade sets....so I am constantly having to take pieces out to set up other things....if I just used the smoothie set...I would be okay...but i do cut up a lot of veggies in there for cole slaw...and things like that too.....I do need to finsd another way to store them though...I'm thinking of individual plastic containers for each blade set......

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/06/2019:
that is a good idea, so you know to look for them in a container before just sticking your hand into a drawer! good idea.

BearCountryGG on 08/06/2019:
I have so many pieces...and 3 blade sets....so I am constantly having to take pieces out to set up other things....if I just used the smoothie set...I would be okay...but i do cut up a lot of veggies in there for cole slaw...and things like that too.....I do need to finsd another way to store them though...I'm thinking of individual plastic containers for each blade set......

Horn_of_plenty - Saturday Aug 03, 2019
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights)
Weight: 116.2

8:30am breakfast oatmeal with almond milk 170, whole milk chobani with strawberry on bottom 160..330, later coffee 50. 380

then fell asleep for an hour or two.

11am snack: same bar as last night since i bought two and they were more healthy than even expected and tasty 250

2pm lunch hard boiled egg and seasoning, cranberry juice, 200, maybe some chips...salt and vinegar bean chips almost 2 servings 250

almost 5pm plum 50

dinner was good, didn't have any alcohol besides a few sips of Ricky's. lots of cabbage, tasted like sugar might have been added, 250, fried cod which was SUPER GREAT 250, and two jumbo fried shimp also GREAT 300, 100, and a granola bar 100 when i got home later at night. 1000

total around 2250, extremely tasty dinner. loved it!




will be cooking a lot today... 

feeling like another UTI, but trying to skip the dr and drink cranberry juice...wish me luck!!!!!!!! i believe it's from sweating / walking at lunch at home and i guess i need to shower extra...should have showered last night before bed...

Progress as of today: -2.2 lbs lost so far, only 3.2 lbs to go!

Donkey on 08/03/2019:
I slept in today as well. Kind of mad that I missed some beautiful morning time, but I really needed the rest. And I hope to be able to stay up late (for me) to catch some PBS shows that I missed earlier this week because I watched the debates instead.

Horn_of_plenty on 08/03/2019:
i really love sleeping in, especially on Saturdays and after a full week of work. I generally do not sleep during the work week as much as i'd like to just do to time constraints...and sleeping in on Saturday is simply something i enjoy..sunday too.

i also enjoy sleeping when i know i'll be up late at night...same thing for me as you tonight - and i know i'll be up late so i prefer to get started with the day later too rather than be up for all hours!!

Donkey on 08/04/2019:
UGH on the UTI!!! I wonder what's going on, and if there would be more you could do that is preventative. Could it be something in your diet? Too many (whatever) that is throwing off the chemical balance?

I hope you feel better this morning.

Horn_of_plenty on 08/04/2019:
i did feel better in morning. i do sweat a bit at lunches when i walk at work and maybe i have to shower more often at night. seems to happen on weekends.maybe stress related. probably not though! also, i am sure it's diet related. i have been having a lot of extra sugar / fruit. and also iced coffees. this can all add into it i am sure :/ ...i will be able to knock it out on my own, it got better over the course of the day. i did buy more cranberry juice too.

Horn_of_plenty - Friday Aug 02, 2019
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights)
Weight: 116.2

kombucha 60

breakfast from buffet (didn't pack it) and it was less then $3 because it's by weight - so, i might have to do this a LITTLE more often! half a small bagel 150, with cream cheese good amount of it 150, lox - nice amount of that too! 100!!!! nice! and portioned out, premade. there was a slight hair / string in it though! yuck!  and coffee from work. 50. 

9:45am snack: small quaker pb chip granola bar 100, ALMONDS 100, PEANUTS 100

lunch: LEFTOVERS once again :) great week money-wise and variety-wse! different from most weeks, enjoyable, and fun: i did indulge though - tomato salad with dressing 100, other veg with light dressing 100, too much pastrami 350, bread 100. 650-700

snacks: Fruit 100 and a starbucks iced passion tango since it's right next door and i'm craving sweet things today, possibly almonds too 100

light dinner plum, 2 greek yogurts 350

10pm decided on a larger late night snack: really tasty bar, natural and not too much sugar 250 cal and some lime seltzer. ...i'll prob have to wake up to pee, but, i should also sleep well lol...ok, goodnight!


7day : 2095.


Today i'll make sure to enjoy the weather and walk home partially at least :) maybe grab on iced tea from starbucks on the walk too (it'as around 6pm and i'm with an appetite usually, so this obviously helps me at that hour)

Plans are to do some walking, do more soaking of legs (still doing the epsom salt baths at least 2x per week - it's def relaxing and i'll keep at it) and go to bed at a reasonable hour.

Tomorrow, i'm totally going to do some cooking & baking, but before that Ricky will come over to help me with a shower head / hose installation :) also i'm giving him my bike to fix and for him to see if i need a new air pump (nice to have a handy-man which he is 100% of that - very capable without prior experience many things...he likes to fix things!) 

And like i mentioned earlier in an entry a few days ago, i have a really nice plan for Saturday night (German beer garden restaurant with live disco band and "authentic german food" - which is WAYYYY better than Sunday's option to go to a reunion with people of whom MOSTLY don't work in the summertime, have more flexible schedules, and want to be out late on a Sunday night...for me, i don't need to see them, discuss babies, discuss my life, or be out late before a busy week :)  


"authetic german food" - i'll prob get the fried shrimp, but what i really want is the beer batter fried fish...so, we'll see...lol, if you consider that German LOL. they do have German food, though, that's NOT what i want to get!


Progress as of today: -2.2 lbs lost so far, only 3.2 lbs to go!

legcramps on 08/02/2019:
Beer batter fried fish - so YUM! That totally sounds like an awesome night for sure :)

Glad to see you are benefiting from the epsom salt baths! I try to get one in about every two weeks - every time I do, it helps me recover faster.

It's so nice to have someone handy nearby; I am dependent on BF for a lot of fix-it type things now (I used to try to do everything myself); he is also one of those people who likes to fix things. I've got him booked to re-do my backyard deck this year! I can't wait :)

Horn_of_plenty on 08/03/2019:
he completely fixed and cleaned my bike up and better than any repairman ever did it at any of the bike shops i've been to. the brakes are amazing! lol...

and the epsom salts i look forward to either tonight or tomorrow morning

Donkey on 08/03/2019:
My grandmother used to say, a handy man is worth is weight in gold.

LOL, shrimp and fish are not German - but get what you want; that way, you won't be disappointed. Besides, the ambiance is German.

Horn_of_plenty on 08/03/2019:
i am sorta feeling the need to make good choices tonight...so, we'll see...i'm def ordering a salad and no alcohol (well, no beer at least) because once again i have a slight UTI!!!!!!!!!

Horn_of_plenty - Thursday Aug 01, 2019
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights)
Weight: 116.2

Kombucha 50

typical wrap and coffee 350, 2 chocolates 120

snack tbd ALMONDS 200 2x 

lunch: lots of fresh veggies and some dressing 180, some other leftovers here in the fridge too - Half a large potato baked knish 250, leftover pastrami 200. 630 approx

snacks: peach 50 / almonds 100 / 2 gummy candies 50


Before / during strength - will prob include an iced coffee and lots of strawberries, fresh, that i bought yesterday on the way home! pound of strawberries 150, iced coffee 50, pb on rice cake 100, aminos 50

after exercise: TBD bar 200

2100, excellent!

6day - around 2060, excellent.

Progress as of today: -2.2 lbs lost so far, only 3.2 lbs to go!

Maria7 on 08/01/2019:
Hoping you have a very nice day. Veggies and almonds and fruit are very healthy.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/01/2019:
i've made it a habit to eat pretty decently healthy at work by making sure i always have these options on hand here :) it helps to have a fridge in the room, also.

BearCountryGG on 08/01/2019:
Can't go wrong with fresh produce.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/01/2019:
YES, very much looking forward to tasting all the veggies straight from my coworker's garden - didn't get to eat them yesterday bc i had food ordered in from company...today is a day for a nice salad of tomatoes and cucumber with lime juice (brought a fresh lime!) and salt and pepper seasoning on it!

legcramps on 08/01/2019:
yum, strawberries!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/01/2019:
that's my favorite fruit indulgence. i eat a LOT of them and they fill me before a workout. tonight an iced coffee will also be included...just low cals, some health, filling...tasty.

after work when i get home usually around 6:30pm or similiar times, i am very eager to have fruit lately!!!!! my appetite is not even that strong lately, just wanting to indulge in fruit.

legcramps on 08/01/2019:
Nothing wrong with that! I have always been more of a salty snacker, but every once in awhile I love to have pineapple or watermelon. They are my go-to fruit!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/01/2019:
i guess everyone has their faves!!! :) it's been helping me a great deal with calories and food choices after work having all the fresh fruit in my fridge!

Horn_of_plenty - Wednesday Jul 31, 2019
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights)
Weight: 116.2

kombucha 80

breakfast is typical and coffee 350

snack: almonds 100, 2x chocolate 100

lunch: will be leftovers as well as veggies from coworker's garden omg happy about this! lol - there was a meeting and extra food, so i had a LOT of really tasty pastrami that was still warm and good 300, one slice of rye bread with mustard too 150, and leftover veggies along with a couple half sour pickles 100 and a diet cream soda.550-600  i have enough pastrami to also have it both tomorrow and friday.

snack: fruit 100/ almonds100  / 2 Small cookies 100


dinner: tbd- thinking fruit / yogurt and early to bed 


will do a shorter walk home, unless it's raining, which it is forcasted to do.

if rain- bed early. 

total cal was 2000

Progress as of today: -2.2 lbs lost so far, only 3.2 lbs to go!

Maria7 on 07/31/2019:
Oh, the veggies from coworker's garden sounds so wonderful! Hope you have a very happy day!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/31/2019:
yes, they are tasting great...will have them all week.

legcramps on 07/31/2019:
Nice, fresh veggies!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/31/2019:
always tops...! and nice to have with a little light dressing or lime. i may bring a lime from home to work tomorrow.

BearCountryGG on 07/31/2019:
Garden season...always so nice.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/31/2019:
the best season. everything is tasty!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/31/2019:
for a veggie lover, it's a good season!

legcramps on 07/31/2019:
Ok, I just went back through some of your entries and realized what you've been going through lately. I'm really sorry that you've been feeling down about some of your relationships. I know it is never easy to be your true self around people who are not very accepting. I would not attend that reunion either - it sounds like it would be painful for you. If there is absolutely no benefit to allowing yourself the experience, then definitely forego it for something more fun!

I've spent many years feeling frustrated with people's ability to be 'fake'; finally I realized that it is a coping strategy for them. It's hard to be real in front of people sometimes, and - for a lot of people - being 'fake' means not having to show a side of themselves that they may not be proud of.

I truly hope that your friend C was just being cranky that day and didn't intend to make you feel hurt. Your response to Donkey indicated that you have complained to C about R in the past. I have a close group of ladies who would never intentionally put me down or judge the way I live. HOWEVER, they will be real with me and let me know if they feel someone is affecting me negatively. I appreciate their honesty. More than once, they have been right about the energy in my relationships that I have been unable to see.

So, I will be 'real' with you right now, but without knowing all the details or history please excuse my opinion if it's way out in left field and C really was just being nasty for the sake of nastiness. If it seemed to me that a close friend of mine was being negatively impacted by someone, I would not hesitate to question it. It sounds like C approached the conversation in a very negative way, which may make her intentions about it unclear. If it isn't worth the conversation with her, that's cool, but if it happens again i'd question her intentions in responding to you that way.

I am always around (virtually lol) if you need to talk!

Horn_of_plenty on 08/01/2019:
thanks for the kind words and advice. yeah, the reunion is not something helpful or good for me right now. I have a busy schedule during the week and the reunion is late on a sunday night. many of the women do not work in the summer bc they are stay at home moms and the other women will prob not have work Monday. for me, it's a waste of time to go and a stresser before a busy week. thanks for commenting on that.

next, C hates Ricky. She doesn't think well of him due to the first and only time they met he was very sarcastic and she took it really, really personally. not saying he was acting apropriately either for a first time meeting. he was extra rude that time i'd say.

she doesn't think well of him and doesn't like that i hang with him. she thinks he's a very bad influence on me.

while that is ok, and it's ok for her to tell me to take care of myself and make sure i am hanging with good people, the thing is that she's not always available to do new / different activities especially local ones.

whereas ricky doesn't always behave how he should, he's my local friend and the person i do local things with.

so, it's not like i'm able to hang out with her instead of him as she's not even interested in these local events and she doesn't live close to me like he does. she knows i hang with him.

anyways, she was prob ddoing it for my benefit in her reaction, but, it was still rude.

Donkey on 08/01/2019:
Did you walk?

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/01/2019:
it rained, so, i didn't walk, but i did stop by the supermarket when it stopped raining also on the way home.

instead of walking, i was able to go to bed early and sleep a bit extra last night.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 08/01/2019:
I am thinking maybe i'll have another opportunity to walk on Friday after work :)...and it's best i stay away from the ladder still.

i'll be fixing up my bike for riding on Saturday.

Horn_of_plenty - Tuesday Jul 30, 2019
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights)
Weight: 116.2

kombucha 60

wrap and egg 200, avo 100, seasonings, coffee 50

snack: chocolate and almonds 150

lunch: ...meatballs from buffet yesterday and my veggies..maybe chips (but getting off them)....more buffet: tomato and cucumber salad, quinoa and roasted squash. need the health and change right now! 600. heathy.

snack: 2 apricots, almonds

before / during workout: A lot of strawberries, huge container but they were not very good - many were spoiled - i couldn't tell before buying - so no more buying strawberries in Manhattan at the fruit stand, only at the fruit stand in Queens! lol i have better luck at that one! 200 in strawberries (HUGE 2lb container!) and iced coffee 50. ..hard boiled egg with lots of seasonings 70, peanut butter 80

after workout tbd: bar 250

2050 today, happy about that!

4day: 2050, great


tonight is strength.

yes, my back is still sore - will probably skip situps (which may have caused my sore back initially.. - or it was due to a bad sleeping posture).

the book i am reading is very sad, i'm thinking it could have contributed to my mood...but is not entire reason.

i feel a bit better emotionally today, still sore in my lower back.

Progress as of today: -2.2 lbs lost so far, only 3.2 lbs to go!

Donkey on 07/31/2019:
Curious to know if your back pain feels muscular or bone or nerve related.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/31/2019:
it feels pulled, like a slept long and it will heal.

not bone.

either muscle or nerve related to the pain i may get at times from sciatica at work.

Donkey on 07/31/2019:
Like a bruise, an ache, a stab, prickly?

Horn_Of_Plenty on 07/31/2019:
it is an ache only when i stretch it now...the pain is still around today but it keeps getting better.

i stayed away from situps bc those exercises tend to be quite a pounding to my back and instead did planks...omg, haven't done planks in awhile and i lost a LTO of strength! i think i might do them (planking) more often!

Horn_of_plenty - Monday Jul 29, 2019
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights)
Weight: 116.2

for some reason, i am feeling upset today. i can't really say why other than i am tired and didn't sleep well. i am just sad.  it's been a long time since i last felt this way at work, but this time i know it's either bc my hormones / chemicals are screwy or i'm just having an off day.

definite feelings of sadness.

related but not the same, i'm not getting the real support i'd like from any close friends. i really don't have much in that category anyways - but - the ones that are close to me i do not feel are much help right now. it's more that i'm yearning for a new, special relationship - the type you get from the opposite sex like in a real boyfriend. someone i am proud of and who i can look to, to talk to. of course, it's not something i need, i'm just a bit sick of everything typical.

i did talk to a young guy at work today for less than 5 min while he was mircrowaving his lunch. nice guy. prob around 10 yrs younger as in he's closer to 26-28 whereas i am turning 37. not really so close in age at all, so i take it lightly and don't really consider anything.

plus, the health condition i mentioned a couple weeks ago on here - i have changed my ways and do not think about actually taking part in any more "casual s*x" as there is no more benefit to me or others and i will not hurt others in this way or face more health problems with related issues. so i'm just sitting here, i guess a little sad about that. i guess if nothing were a problem, i'd make a little more effort to flirt with him. but now, it's different.  and in general, before, i wish i knew this moreso. i wish i had  greater outside warning. i'm not even sure if i would have taken the precautions had i been warned, but, it is what it is and i'm at where i am at now. no going back!

going forward, if i want a "relationship," i'm going to actually have "to try" at it. meaning, the talking, the company, the real emotional aspect and not just the "play" part. and i know that's what is to come hopefully down the road. and i have to hope that my partner has the same needs / desires / openness about him.

another reason possibly behind the sadness is the fact that i haven't been able to continue my training in the way i would have liked this summer in terms of cardio.  It's a kick in the gut and today i actually woke up with a sore lower back due to possibly something i did while sleeping. 

i'm feeling discouragement with the court officer training and also encouragement that i have to change the training slightly (my pushups are not progressing much - i need to add the planks back in as additional abdominal work)...

i may have to regroup and refresh myself tonight on how this next month is going to go...something has to change.

and no, i cannot restart the ladder cardio yet..i could have been biking, but i think the tires need air...i can look at it tonight, maybe, or i can just go to bed early as is what really seems to be what i need today.

BUT, now at 36 turning 37 in September, i can only realize the most important thing which is the only person that can truly change my life or change a feeling of sadness is ME. i have to work on myself / my goals / my situation. complaining or staying sad for too long - won't help me. 



kombucha 60

wrap with egg 200 and avo 100 and coffee 50. 

snack :almonds? 200

lunch: wasn't in the mood for what i brought, so bought buffet: small piece salmon 200, about a cup of baked noodles with light amount of cheese 400?, salad 100. 700 approx. i was craving carbs and my mood today has been going down the tube for no explanatory reason which i have thought is weird...

snack: apple / almonds

dinner: just a snack which is really sometimes what i like on weekends, less fiber and easier to digest: 2 of my whipped cream treats that were in the freezer 100, strawberries good serving 100, yogurt light 100 with sf chocolate chips 100 tops. 400.



Progress as of today: -2.2 lbs lost so far, only 3.2 lbs to go!

Donkey on 07/29/2019:
Do not take this the wrong way, as a criticism or sexist comment, but I do think your emotions might be a little sensitive today because of hormones. Why do I say that? Only because you mentioning the lower back pain. I know that my hormones get the better of me and I get sad or very picky (testy, ornery if we're talking donkey).

The good news is that it passes, as far as feeling negative.

Perhaps it is time to find a relationship to add to your life sphere. Don't write someone off just because of an age difference, especially younger ad long ad the person is mature and wants the same things you do in life. With a solid relationship, it won't seem like it's a gap. It really doesn't.

I was a little concerned about your training for court officer, BUT you know your limits. Pushing yourself if your ankle is tender will do you no good.

Give it a day or 2 and see if the sadness fades. This episode has brought up a lot of interesting ideas about what you want in your life, for your life. You can work on these when you feel a little less vulnerable.

Horn_of_plenty on 07/29/2019:
I am not sure about my back and what happened?

My period will not come for another two weeks...but maybe my back is still affecting my mood?

you are right i will get over this "spell." it seems i am just needing more time alone to let this pass and figure things out.

thank you for the relationship advice. he and i , this guy at work, do not live close either. so that's another thing. i will still chat with him when we see each other (we don't see each other that much, so at least we can chat when we do). it's at least nice to chat with somebody new!

yeah, i cannot push the ankle / leg. i am trying not to be totally sedentary, but will have to rethink the training and how i continue to do it.

thank you for the comment. i appreciate the fact that you are reminding me of something important - that my mood will change and this will not last.

Donkey on 07/29/2019:
I also want to mention...

Yesterday, I got your friend C and J mixed up. You have written about C before. It seems to me that she has some issues with being negative and pulling in others' parades.

That doesn't excuse her rudeness or behavior but it certainly does explain her comment.

I was initially concerned that J had made this comment, so I thought maybe something else in the context of the conversation was going on. Now I get it.

Horn_of_plenty on 07/29/2019:
Yes, you have that right. It's C. Not J. J is totally a different personality than C.

you got it.

My coworker / roommate at work says it best too - she says the older you get, the less you want to share and of course the less expectations to have with people. sometimes it's not worth even bringing up to a friend that you feel something didn't go right, sometimes it's best to let it roll and just enjoy what does work with friends. it's just not worth the arguments anymore.

Horn_of_plenty on 07/30/2019:
I guess based on the person(s) i am spending time with, i have to know as an adult what works and what doesn't and also watch myself when necessary. maybe that's what being an adult and being responsible means to a small extent.

Horn_of_plenty - Sunday Jul 28, 2019
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights)
Weight: 116.2

I am having a LOT of uneasy thoughts this morning with nobody to talk to about them. I know a lot of these thoughts i can push aside as not being critical or relative to my life right now...but they are seeping their way into my whole day.  has to do with an invite to a 20yr small hs reunion gathering (around 15 people max) that i will not attend. the other other thought is about a friend i was with yesterday. i mentioned a Ricky to her a few times...and the last time i did, in the car as we passed his apt, she said "you've mentioned ricky quite a bit today, stop talking about him"....would be interesting if i told her to stop talking about some of the people she chats to me about...i'd never tell her to shut up...really just frustrated right now about not speaking up in the moment yesterday to her and telling her that if i want to talk about him, it's quite rude for her to tell me i have to watch who i discuss with her. it's rather rude as i am friendly with him and hang out with him a lot. it's like a jealousy thing with her and i cannot take having to watch my words with her. more and more i have felt this way....it;s all disheartening to me more and more that i am just not comfortable with anyone lately fully. lately, i can say with assurance that there's NOBODY - no best friend or lover - that i have that i'd want to share my life with.

secondly, there's this reunion that i wanted no part of. on facebook, i went as far as to turn off the notifications of the group i was in that was had discusions about the reunion bc it also brings up very uncomfortable, sad, feelings about a number of things in my life from as early as 5 until i was around early 30's just a few years ago. It's very hard for me and i am triggered by certain people and things. i wanted no part of the reunion, no part of the discussion, no part of the REMINDERS.

well, someone else on facebook took the iniciative to actaully ask me if i saw the invites (NO) and if i wanted to go...she specifically told me to go look there, if i was interested (i'm not). but it's hard not to look back at the group convo so i did....and it bothered me all night and all day today....i'm not friends (and not friends on fb even!) with at least half the people going to this dinenr on a sunday night next week. why the F would i want to go to a dinner and see people that i do not want to see or even hear about. some of them i have had to distance myself from purposely. some were family friends with my parents. people that mostly believe in a life of family and kids and typical. typical that i do not typically fit with. i am different, always been different. i've been very shy. i've been very low on self esteem. i've had struggles. i've sometimes shared those struggles on fb and a couple of the people going to this reunion have messaged me in private telling me either (one person said the following) that i sound angry...and another asked why i continue to hurt myself physically if i am injured (perhaps i was having trouble and needed help but not a criticism like it was an easy fix which it never was for me physically as i had NO PRIOR msucle from any sports or phyiscal exeercise as i did NONE growing up)....it's so hard for me to not think of multiple, MULTIPLE reminders beyond what i'm writing here of tough times for me throuhgout periods of growing up...now that i was reminded of this reunion which I PURPOSELY took out of my life by turning off the reminders....i really wish to tell her how i don't care to know in private about it....but i know i just have to shut my mouth and act fake over it. i'm not a fake person and all this fake stuff, fake get together with people many of whom i do not appreciate or like, is thoughts that are with me today.


and as far as the woman i was with yesterday who told me i need to stop mentioning ricky, all i feel i can do is distance myself more. she simply doesn't get it with me. every time i try to talk about anything, which i do less and less and i just listen to her talking more and more, i get uncomfortable telling her things. i don't trust her with my most inner thoughts or needs or physical issues.

lately the few times i see this person, the same one i had a major argument with and didn't contact for about over a year, it seems she is telling me i have told simply hold my tongue. i listen to her, listen to things i totally don't agree with, and more and more i wonder how i am helping myself....how my life isn't progressing right now....how i'm beginning to get stuck....how i have to keep pushing on....and how it's not worth these get togethers if i come back home feeling so frustrated. 

lately after seeing her, which is already infrequent, i am waking up with frustrated thoughts and dreams. somethings i need to work on in life...and i am feeling it to the 100th degree right now...a lot of things do not feel right at all. i feel uncomfortable and i am struggling to find comfort with anyone.  there's nobody i want to talk with on the phone, both Ricky and female friend i find myself unable to be around constantly. i yearn for more alone time. i am just uncomfortable with the direction of my life with my friendships and where i am headed. 

both R and C do feel they can say most anything to me. but i have to actually watch my reactions with them more than they watch theirs with me. i am longing to be with someone that will be more of a COMFORT to be with. i long to be with someone that i love.  maybe one day this will come, i might long for it now, but, it doesn't mean i can't get by without it. i'm reminded, let me take care of my own needs now and forget about the distractions and friendships that are seriously distracting me from anything worth any importance in my mind. writing this out has me feeling a little better.

i'm so sick right now of things that don't matter and are wasting space in my brain. writing them out, i do feel better.

i feel it's hard to be myself lately and i've more than had it with a number of people and experiences as of late.

next time with i am with her, C, and if she reminds me not to mention him or if she brings him up with distaste, i will have to ask her to stop. and explain it's hurtful. it's sad she doesn't realize this herself?



 330 yogurt mango on bottom, oatmeal and almond milk,spices, and an iced coffee 50.also lg banana 150.

snack: pb on rice cake 150

Noon lunch: bean salt and vinegar flavor chips 220, chicken and shrimp leftovers from last night 250, cooked veggies in basil sauce 150, strawberries large amount 100..700

during workout: half the banana from breakfast, peanut butter 100, aminos in water / seltzer 50. , more pb on cracker 100

6pm dinner my tofu in leftover basil sauce from thai food last night 200, rice 150, sauce 50. 400

more pb on cracker 100


2day: 2100/day




I want to finish typing something for work (beause on Friday it seemed i had too much work too finish and there's an unofficial deadline that i know i won't meet if i wasn't proactive to take some of the data typing home)

and then planning to exercise after finishing this "homework" - I just want to get the strength exercise done is my frame of mind - then i can shower for the day after that...glad to be home today...seriously in a mood to stay home and just take care of things around my apt.

I have laundry and cooking, both of which i've decided can happen AFTER exercise. :)

  I will NOT be leaving my apt today at all, got more than enough to do here and then going to bed on the early side would be wonderful. :)  therefore, no cardio today :)

but some  standing up / cooking :)


Feeling good, but feeling like donkey did when she had "work" on Saturday...even though i had the beach saturday which is far from work, it's a full day and nothing else gets done because i'm out of my house all day...i have another big beach day planned, of which i 'm still considering to do it on a FRIDAY so i have a longer weekend....still sounds like a good plan to me - to take a day off....since today it does feel a little rushed...even though i do have a full day. LOL. just my preference to relax more on the weekend. I know that donkey's work day and my beach day are definitely NOT the same thing, just saying how both activities take you out of your house for a period of time and you cannot do anything else related to home activities at that time until you are back home.


you see, ricky was going to help my with my bicycle and shower head/hose installation, but, since i am busy enough and do not want to add that into the mix, i'm waiting to do it next weekend - that's why having an extra day is nice sometimes and taking a beach day on a Friday can be helpful.

but the bike and showerhead can wait, and i'm glad i didn't waste a vacation day this time.  I'll have to see how i feel about this next beach day - it's a little more complicated and farther drive away along with a ferry. It is sounding to me in my mind that it would be beneficial to take a vacation day for that one...something to think about.

Progress as of today: -2.2 lbs lost so far, only 3.2 lbs to go!

Donkey on 07/28/2019:
I hope that putting it all down here has been cathartic. That's what's so nice about this site is that you can dump it here so that you don't have to carry it around with you any more.

That's OK to use a vacation day if you need more time to accomplish things. Many of my co-workers (myself included) take an extra day off at the end of a vacation to catch up -- sort of like that. I would do this "extended weekend" if it didn't mean coming back to a complete disaster the next day.

For a shortened weekend, it sounds like you're doing a good job of organizing today, getting stuff done at home, and then early bed.

Horn_of_plenty on 07/28/2019:
yeah, i def see the need for another vacation day...so i'm not feeling stressed to get everything done in one day...i like to have extra time alone.

yes, it's cathartic and i was secretly waiting for your advice.

Donkey on 07/28/2019:
Regarding your conversation with C, about Ricky, and her comment --- were you complaining about him? (Are you sure?) Just checking... Will wait for your response before saying more about that.

Horn_of_plenty on 07/28/2019:
yes, i have complained to her about him, yes.

but this time, we were driving by his apt and i said we were passing his apt...that's when she said "R" is coming up quite a bit, could you stop talking about him.

i do complain to him about her. and at times i actually complain to him about her LOL.

i recently complained about the other night with him to her...sometimes i wonder what's the point though to telling her anything that is actually an issue as she has a tendency to tease / put me further down on my issues. i know that sounds vague. i know i'm not perfect and shouldnt' really complain about anyone to anyone...ugh.

yes, i've complained about him recently to her.

Donkey on 07/28/2019:
Regarding the high school mini-reunion: Did I write this? Because that sounds exactly like how I feel about MY high school days. I was only too glad to be done and away. I keep in touch with a few people, and I'm happy to hear and see what is going on in their lives -- from a distance.

I sometimes check on classmates on FB who are "friends of friends" -- just curious about what they are doing in life, but certainly don't want to "friend" them, since they were never friends or even friendly with me before.

So the only reasons I could see to continue with the group or conversation about the mini-reunion are: 1. If you were planning on going - which you're not; 2. You were curious about how people turned out - but that doesn't seem like it either.

I, too, often find myself conflicted about high school people. Why do I care if Laura H. gained 100 pounds? Why do I care if Rene D. got divorced? Why do I care that Tina M. ended up marrying Pete V.? (Now there's a match to avoid: TWO people I could not stand in grade & high school.)

The way I look at it is this: the people you've wanted to keep in your life, you have, and therefore, you don't need a reunion. And if it just so happens that the number of people you've kept in your life from high school is ZERO (like me) or FB only (like me), then there's a good reason for that, and it has nothing to do with you as to who YOU are except to say that you're strong enough and mentally healthy enough to know when to cut what people out of your life.

You were OK with going about your business until someone brought the reunion to your attention. Now it buzzing around you like a mosquito. I think this is one of those things that the phrase "ignore it and it'll go away" is applicable.

Gently correct those who are critiquing your reaction: I'm not angry, I just don't care.

Horn_of_plenty on 07/28/2019:
yes, those were the reasons i turned off all the conversation notifications. it was becoming annoying and a distraction to me.

i am just like you - NO real friends from high school, only on facebook. My "close friends" are from college since i went to a local school so many of them live around the area, luckily. although i do not seem them very often due to the type of lifestyle and work schedule i both choose and don't choose to have LOL. meaning, i like a low key lifestyle which means i'm prob not seeing my friends as often as i could because i prefer for my own happiness more downtime at home.

i do feel the need to speak up a little more when someone says something, but at the same time i have also learned that doing so has a tendency to sometimes create an argument or misunderstanding.

trishpiglet3 on 07/28/2019:
Thoughts as I've read this - Wonder what is going on in your friend's head? She sounds somewhat controlling. You can talk to me about Ricky as much as you want!

So very with you re Facebook reunions. Gentle Trish suggestion that you do something else special for yourself (or with chosen others) on that day. Your feelings and experiences are valid.

I like that we get the real you... I'd hate to be talking to a fake one. Disclaimer: If I say or have said anything unhelpful, please feel free to let me know xx

Horn_of_plenty on 07/28/2019:
thanks for your comments, i appreciate it. yes, this friend can be very controlling with me and in general has a hard time with any of my other close friends. I'm glad you appreciate the real me. I will be doing something for me the night before the reunion! Going out to a restaurant i've been wanting to go to and tasting some new to me german food with a live disco band! :) that's my "better entertainment" for next weekend!

Donkey on 07/28/2019:
Regarding the conversation cutoff:

At first, which is why I asked, I thought perhaps you were complaining A LOT about him - perhaps as a way to process a situation. I have done this before, not usually with complaining but more so with anxiety. "Can I talk to you a little bit more about this, because I'm feeling very anxious about it?" Then my audience knows that I'm just trying to work out a difficult. I try not to do this too much because otherwise, I get annoying like Nice Lady at work. AND I only do this with people I'm comfortable with.

I could be wrong, but I do not think that is what happened yesterday.

It could be that your friend has a silent opinion about Ricky or your relationship with Ricky. It could be that she was/is so wrapped up with what's going on with her that she didn't want to share any more of the conversation with the topic. Perhaps she thought you had been talking about Ricky too much - but that would be natural because he is a part of your life-space.

I do think that to just say what she said, without explanation, was rather hurtful - not that she intended to hurt you. I also think that this would lead me to reconsider her as someone I would have to be careful with what I talk about. That sucks. See my reference to conversations with people I feel "comfortable" with.

You won't know unless you ask her, but then you might not like where that conversation goes.

I'm sorry this happened though.

Horn_of_plenty on 07/28/2019:
i enjoyed reading all of your responses. It's true that is really is NOT worth it to speak to her about my feelings or needs regarding the situation with talking about Ricky. I did have a long chat with her the same night he last weekend that he chose to get so angry and i had gotten so frustrated. I ended up calling her in the moment as i was walking home that weekend from the bus after telling him to leave and walk home by himself and not with me.

so, i did a major talk with her about him just a week ago. but not since.

she doesn't like most of my closer friends. she hates Ricky. she thinks very negatively of him. she met him 1x, he was very saracastic and loud that 1x, and she told him off right there when they met.

in the past, i have introduced her to toehr friends and she has told me she thinks lowly of them as well.

she likes my college friend group a bit which is nice.

yeah, she didn't intend to hurt me - she was rather saying it because i guess she was uncomfortable with me continuing to talk about him.

i do have to hold my thoughts more around her. i'm doubt i'll be able to see her more often anyway that we do see each other, and it's just not even worth having to explain myself or my feelings.

sometimes, if someone just doesn't get it, it's not worth even trying.

my relationship with her has changed over the years, and i'm just fine with what it is now.

Donkey on 07/28/2019:
LOVE Trishpiglet's idea about pampering yourself on the night of the reunion!!!!!

Horn_of_plenty on 07/28/2019:
the night before the reunion, i'm going out for something fun, with Ricky, g-d help it go semi normally!, so i'm glad i really do have another plan going on that weekend :)

Horn_of_plenty on 07/28/2019:
in the end, 8 people are going. all women. most with kids. glad i will not be there. I have nothing in common with them worth discussing.

Horn_of_plenty on 07/28/2019:
and also, as crazy as this sounds, I probably also make the lowest salary. many of them ended up becoming rather wealthy. i do not need this in my life...to feel bad about myself any further.

Horn_of_plenty - Saturday Jul 27, 2019
(counting calories/walking/elliptical/weights)
Weight: 116.2

Oatmeal with almond milk and yogurt 300 coffee 50

candies 100

veggies 200, wrap 250

fruit 100

soup tofu and veggie 200, bigger serving of rice 300?, shrimp 100, lots of veggies in sauce 300-400. total here 1000 tops, fruit for dessert 100

2100 tops, nice day.

beach day, not too much walking. just enough.

Progress as of today: -2.2 lbs lost so far, only 3.2 lbs to go!

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