I am having a LOT of uneasy thoughts this morning with nobody to talk to about them. I know a lot of these thoughts i can push aside as not being critical or relative to my life right now...but they are seeping their way into my whole day. has to do with an invite to a 20yr small hs reunion gathering (around 15 people max) that i will not attend. the other other thought is about a friend i was with yesterday. i mentioned a Ricky to her a few times...and the last time i did, in the car as we passed his apt, she said "you've mentioned ricky quite a bit today, stop talking about him"....would be interesting if i told her to stop talking about some of the people she chats to me about...i'd never tell her to shut up...really just frustrated right now about not speaking up in the moment yesterday to her and telling her that if i want to talk about him, it's quite rude for her to tell me i have to watch who i discuss with her. it's rather rude as i am friendly with him and hang out with him a lot. it's like a jealousy thing with her and i cannot take having to watch my words with her. more and more i have felt this way....it;s all disheartening to me more and more that i am just not comfortable with anyone lately fully. lately, i can say with assurance that there's NOBODY - no best friend or lover - that i have that i'd want to share my life with.
secondly, there's this reunion that i wanted no part of. on facebook, i went as far as to turn off the notifications of the group i was in that was had discusions about the reunion bc it also brings up very uncomfortable, sad, feelings about a number of things in my life from as early as 5 until i was around early 30's just a few years ago. It's very hard for me and i am triggered by certain people and things. i wanted no part of the reunion, no part of the discussion, no part of the REMINDERS.
well, someone else on facebook took the iniciative to actaully ask me if i saw the invites (NO) and if i wanted to go...she specifically told me to go look there, if i was interested (i'm not). but it's hard not to look back at the group convo so i did....and it bothered me all night and all day today....i'm not friends (and not friends on fb even!) with at least half the people going to this dinenr on a sunday night next week. why the F would i want to go to a dinner and see people that i do not want to see or even hear about. some of them i have had to distance myself from purposely. some were family friends with my parents. people that mostly believe in a life of family and kids and typical. typical that i do not typically fit with. i am different, always been different. i've been very shy. i've been very low on self esteem. i've had struggles. i've sometimes shared those struggles on fb and a couple of the people going to this reunion have messaged me in private telling me either (one person said the following) that i sound angry...and another asked why i continue to hurt myself physically if i am injured (perhaps i was having trouble and needed help but not a criticism like it was an easy fix which it never was for me physically as i had NO PRIOR msucle from any sports or phyiscal exeercise as i did NONE growing up)....it's so hard for me to not think of multiple, MULTIPLE reminders beyond what i'm writing here of tough times for me throuhgout periods of growing up...now that i was reminded of this reunion which I PURPOSELY took out of my life by turning off the reminders....i really wish to tell her how i don't care to know in private about it....but i know i just have to shut my mouth and act fake over it. i'm not a fake person and all this fake stuff, fake get together with people many of whom i do not appreciate or like, is thoughts that are with me today.
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and as far as the woman i was with yesterday who told me i need to stop mentioning ricky, all i feel i can do is distance myself more. she simply doesn't get it with me. every time i try to talk about anything, which i do less and less and i just listen to her talking more and more, i get uncomfortable telling her things. i don't trust her with my most inner thoughts or needs or physical issues.
lately the few times i see this person, the same one i had a major argument with and didn't contact for about over a year, it seems she is telling me i have told simply hold my tongue. i listen to her, listen to things i totally don't agree with, and more and more i wonder how i am helping myself....how my life isn't progressing right now....how i'm beginning to get stuck....how i have to keep pushing on....and how it's not worth these get togethers if i come back home feeling so frustrated.
lately after seeing her, which is already infrequent, i am waking up with frustrated thoughts and dreams. somethings i need to work on in life...and i am feeling it to the 100th degree right now...a lot of things do not feel right at all. i feel uncomfortable and i am struggling to find comfort with anyone. there's nobody i want to talk with on the phone, both Ricky and female friend i find myself unable to be around constantly. i yearn for more alone time. i am just uncomfortable with the direction of my life with my friendships and where i am headed.
both R and C do feel they can say most anything to me. but i have to actually watch my reactions with them more than they watch theirs with me. i am longing to be with someone that will be more of a COMFORT to be with. i long to be with someone that i love. maybe one day this will come, i might long for it now, but, it doesn't mean i can't get by without it. i'm reminded, let me take care of my own needs now and forget about the distractions and friendships that are seriously distracting me from anything worth any importance in my mind. writing this out has me feeling a little better.
i'm so sick right now of things that don't matter and are wasting space in my brain. writing them out, i do feel better.
i feel it's hard to be myself lately and i've more than had it with a number of people and experiences as of late.
next time with i am with her, C, and if she reminds me not to mention him or if she brings him up with distaste, i will have to ask her to stop. and explain it's hurtful. it's sad she doesn't realize this herself?
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330 yogurt mango on bottom, oatmeal and almond milk,spices, and an iced coffee 50.also lg banana 150.
snack: pb on rice cake 150
Noon lunch: bean salt and vinegar flavor chips 220, chicken and shrimp leftovers from last night 250, cooked veggies in basil sauce 150, strawberries large amount 100..700
during workout: half the banana from breakfast, peanut butter 100, aminos in water / seltzer 50. , more pb on cracker 100
6pm dinner my tofu in leftover basil sauce from thai food last night 200, rice 150, sauce 50. 400
more pb on cracker 100
2150
2day: 2100/day
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I want to finish typing something for work (beause on Friday it seemed i had too much work too finish and there's an unofficial deadline that i know i won't meet if i wasn't proactive to take some of the data typing home)
and then planning to exercise after finishing this "homework" - I just want to get the strength exercise done is my frame of mind - then i can shower for the day after that...glad to be home today...seriously in a mood to stay home and just take care of things around my apt.
I have laundry and cooking, both of which i've decided can happen AFTER exercise. :)
I will NOT be leaving my apt today at all, got more than enough to do here and then going to bed on the early side would be wonderful. :) therefore, no cardio today :)
but some standing up / cooking :)
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Feeling good, but feeling like donkey did when she had "work" on Saturday...even though i had the beach saturday which is far from work, it's a full day and nothing else gets done because i'm out of my house all day...i have another big beach day planned, of which i 'm still considering to do it on a FRIDAY so i have a longer weekend....still sounds like a good plan to me - to take a day off....since today it does feel a little rushed...even though i do have a full day. LOL. just my preference to relax more on the weekend. I know that donkey's work day and my beach day are definitely NOT the same thing, just saying how both activities take you out of your house for a period of time and you cannot do anything else related to home activities at that time until you are back home.
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you see, ricky was going to help my with my bicycle and shower head/hose installation, but, since i am busy enough and do not want to add that into the mix, i'm waiting to do it next weekend - that's why having an extra day is nice sometimes and taking a beach day on a Friday can be helpful.
but the bike and showerhead can wait, and i'm glad i didn't waste a vacation day this time. I'll have to see how i feel about this next beach day - it's a little more complicated and farther drive away along with a ferry. It is sounding to me in my mind that it would be beneficial to take a vacation day for that one...something to think about.
Progress as of today: -2.2 lbs lost so far, only 3.2 lbs to go!
Oatmeal with almond milk and yogurt 300 coffee 50
candies 100
veggies 200, wrap 250
fruit 100
soup tofu and veggie 200, bigger serving of rice 300?, shrimp 100, lots of veggies in sauce 300-400. total here 1000 tops, fruit for dessert 100
2100 tops, nice day.
beach day, not too much walking. just enough.
Progress as of today: -2.2 lbs lost so far, only 3.2 lbs to go!
kombucha 50
8:30am breakfast: Coffee 50, wrap and egg 200, lots of seasoning lately (i do a LOT so that the food is satisfying and also i take a lot of salt in because i feel sometimes i am low on it), small bit of avocado 50, gummy candy 50.
10:30-11:30am snack: almonds 100, 50
1pm lunch: some from the buffet (for hopefully some baked salmon for health!) my salad greens along with two very ripe and ready to eat tomoatoes (from my food delivery service)!...and my coworker left me fried chicken from yesterday so i will have that and save my cash. no need to buy anything at the buffet today. 1.5 tomatoes 50, greens and dressing 100, fried chicken good amount of it 300 (maybe less), grapes 150. 600
3-4pm snack: apple 100/ almonds 100
7:15pm dinner: 2 big plums 150, bean chips 2.5 servings 300, yoggurt 150. 600 good.
10pm snack - chocolate 50
2050 :)
great cal week :) 2000/day
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I'm going to work and not taking vacation (smart) or i'll have VERY FEW days left the rest of this year. I took so many days in Spring with my vacation and then a couple extra days off that i really cannot splurge also both of the summer months on them...working it out, and it's fine!! :)
Trying still to not do too much exercise and to relax.
Today no extra exercise at all, just some walking at lunch.
I might cook something tonight if i feel up to it...but not sure till seeing how i feel later.
I have a big project (easy just time consuming) i have to do at work, not sure i have near enough time to do it...we'll see what the administration decides about it. i am thinking i can do it at home in exchange for a couple more days off...since they aren't keen to pay on Overtime work at home...we'll see. there's def NOT enough time at work for me to do this work...not sure what will happen about it.
Progress as of today: -2.2 lbs lost so far, only 3.2 lbs to go!
the week was feeling slow and easy & i just knew it would be stupid to use the day.
my weekend was supposed to be busier, but things got changed and i decided to save a day for when i really want it :)
kombucha 50
wrap and egg 200, avo small amount 50, coffee 50
Snack: almonds 100, tastes of wine very little at fair before lunch 50
lunch: from home: salad mix 50, small bit of italian dressing 50, tofu 100, avocado 100, leftover roasted squash with olive oil 100. 400-450
2pm pastry 200
before exercise / during exercise:tons of strawberries 150, iced coffee 50, nut butter 100. 300. more pb and nut butter 200, aminos 50
after exercise: wrap and on 300
2050 total and a great week in calories. Less chips and more wholenfoods as well.
STRENGTH WORKOUT is tonight! - i went well, i was able to clean up while exercising, ending late but still got everything done which is the point here - to get it done and get at least minimal sleep. to be able to clean up the apt, prepare meals, etc.
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trying to skip taking friday off and save the vacation day for when i really want it, as the weather is colder in fall and winter. depends if my friend can do the beach on the weekend or if she has plans. if she already has plans, i'll still take tomorrow off and keep our beach day....
because i took a whole week at the beginning of the vacation season in April, i have used quite a bit of days and don't want to be stretched too thin and have nothing left come January, February, March. ::) either way, it's one day, not too big an issue either way.
edit - yes, working Friday and Beach Saturday since my weekend has freed up and it doesn't make sense to take off right now, life is easy :) yes, it would be nice to sleep in, but no, that day doesn't need to be tomorrow - it'd be better around the week that i have a meeting or multiple appts or events. this was a slow week, it's best i keep on working... :)
Progress as of today: -2.2 lbs lost so far, only 3.2 lbs to go!
So Saturday is Beach Day?
kombucha tasty and working well this week 50
breakfast wrap and egg 200, seasoning, avo 100, coffee 50
snack: almonds 100, taste of a packaged cake bought in Russia and a traditional style which is awesome from coworker from her trip there to see family 150. 250.
healthy lunch from home (since i've started cooking more veggies, it's such a nice change to try a new recipe and like it and have different things each week!) corned beef from freezer which is small serving and great 200, mashed carrot 150, rest of my lightly parmesan coated roasted broccoli 150? 550 tops.
snacks: cookie 50, almonds 100
Dinner: some roasted squash 200 i have and a yogurt with fruit on bottom150, plum 50,
close to 10pm: big banana 150. 550...OR, i will make a recipe: Strawberry Pudding made with cottage cheese!!!! YES...gotta make this tonight!
1900
5day: 1920, excellent :) just now wishing i could sleep....but it's only 10pm....so i'll get there :)
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1 small errand, no extra exercise tonight.
on the way home, it's directly on way, i'm picking u a coworker's glasses...it's very nice to do for him and i like to help :) - he doesn't drive and it takes him 2hours public transportation for him to come to the optomotrist office by me (the union dr office he used to get glasses...)
Progress as of today: -2.2 lbs lost so far, only 3.2 lbs to go!
kombucha 80
breakfast wrap and egg with seasonings 200 and avo 100, coffee 50.
snack: almonds 100 (really not as hungry this week in mornings)
lunch: healthy, from home - mashed carrots that taste amazing! 150, parm roasted broccoli also amazing 100, small amount of avo 50, leftover bacon 200, chips 150. 650. maybe less.
snacks: apple / almonds 200
before / during workout: lots of strawberries and coffee 150...nut butter and cracker 200, aminos 50
after workout: bar 200
2000
1925 4day
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tonight is strength routine.
ankle still not great..but i'm trying not overdo
i'm using the electrtic massager as well as i bought another one...foot bath and i add salt to it - epsom salt and scented foot bath salts - planning on good foot care and added salts to my skin which is helping and relaxing - helps me fall asleep easily.
Progress as of today: -2.2 lbs lost so far, only 3.2 lbs to go!
kombucha 80
wrap with egg 200, avo 150. coffee 50. 400.
11am snack the rest of the wrap above. seems i am getting full fast.and almonds 100
1pm Light lunch (very small appetite today have no idea why) bacon leftovers small amount 200 at most, leftover cooked veggies from last week 200 at most. 400
3:30pm snacking: almonds and chocolate 150-200
6pm-8pm? Snacks for later at dmv - going there for my new license: granola bar and apple 200
ligt dinner: mashed carrots 100, chobani raspberry lemonade yogurt 140. 2 med plums 150 400.
1700 :)
1900 3-day - good to me.!!
dmv didn't work out exactly as planned, so got the regular ID. i only had a copy of the W2 instead of the original (or a Social sec card can be used but i didn't have that in place either). so i settled for a basic driver's license and called it a day as at least i got a new photo and the line wasn't that long...and i don't want to go back again after work. so it's all good, paid for, and i'll get the new one in the mail.
there's 2 other new options where they scan in your documents and you can use the license with a chip in it instead of your passport for domestic flights...so, i'll just continue using my passport ;) no biggie. i'm just glad i did get a new photo because my old one didn't look like me anymore with fatter face and long hair lol. now i have a narrower face and short hair.
Progress as of today: -2.2 lbs lost so far, only 3.2 lbs to go!
I'm old school -- I'd rather have my passport book and watch it fill up with stamps from all the other countries I visited ;-)
breakfast - yogurt 150 fruit on bottom greek passion fruit (chobani makes good yogurts!), oatmeal (one spoon also with saffron sprinkled in) and almond milk, cinnamon,stevia 150. 300, iced coffee 50, kombucha 50. 400 total.
12-2pm lunch spread out over couple hours bc the wrap was really filling and couldn't eat it all at noon. wrap and egg 200, avo 150, salt and seasonings 350. mashed carrots homemade 150 really good. 500
3:30 snacks while cooking - fruit 100, tastes of the non-fatty part of the bacon (cooked up bacon, but took the fatty parts off after it cooked lol) 150. 250 and caffeine
5pm forgot to list squash previously roasted 100, and during workout nut butter 100, pb on cracker 150, banana 150
After workout wrap
2100 total
2day 2000
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Later i plan to make parmasean roasted broccoli. I know that parm is light and a nice added flavor so i had bought a container of it a few weeks ago to use in my cooking. i have a nice recipe to cook my broccoli with it tonight! :)
i also cooked a mashed carrot dish that turned out very tasty - it was a lb of carrots and only 1tbsp of butter with salt / pepper and tasted good!
also, laundry and weights. easy day, really.
i might meet up with R as he suggested he check my bicylce since i haven't used it in over a year and he has some grease and tools to make it perfect...also my new shower head is here....he was going to install it. we are already not meeting up at the schedule time....because of the argument last night he didn't come over and i also am just getting up later than expected and taking my time with breakfast, enjoying kombucha and a late morning here in Queens....i got up rather late today which i do admit is a main reason we aren't getting together at 10am as suggeted...yes my fault.
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ricky acted like a baby at the concert...so the night ended with disappointment involving my thoughts about him....but otherwise it was a good night. that's why he's NOT and will NEVER be my boyfriend. he's a friend of the male sex and that's how it will be, with him. i'm not looking for a boyfriend.
acting llike a baby (i cannot believe i'm writing this omg it's like am i really taking the time to describe it again out loud wow..) - getting mad because he had to wait on line for ices at the stadium where we went to the concert...complaining to a random worker that there was only one person selling ices (like that worker - a low level worker - is going to help? and why should he bother someone working there like that?,
he got mad about the water line too even though it was actually short (took me less than 5min on that line), he got annoyed to keep sitting on the bleacher seats (but that was ok - since it's open air and big place he got up and walked around a bit while i stayed watching the concert),
he got annoyed with me after the concert that i wouldn't leave before it was over to skip the crowds (i did leave right away, just not before the end with him!),
he was frustrated when i wanted to buy cheap fruit from the fruit stand before we went to the bus on the way home - the fruit stand is cheap and on the way and i always am looking to buy it when it's convenient (he wanted to go right home and couldnt' understand why i wasn't buying it after work - because duh - it was more convenient last night!? -
on the bus i know he doesn't sit (many people stand - it's ok) so i told him it's ok if he didn't stand by me since honestly i just wanted to relax and talking to him while i sit and he stands wouldn't have been relaxing on the bus...i looked back at him halfway thru the route and he was loudly telling me to check facebook...he had put sad faces on my photos and then wrote a comment "this photo sucks" on a photo of him that i took. i wrote as a comment, on the bus "be nice"...he wrote back "take it down"...like an order - but a public and embarassing order. he could have spoke to me, said he didn't like some photos, i could have taken them down.
but instead of speaking to me, he acted like a 3 year old crying over them in emojis and ordering me like a 3 year old to take it down. embarassing and rude and not any type of adult way of discussing. on the bus, i told myself that when i got off the bus to walk home with him that i'd stay calm and just say i'd rather he speak to me personally than to order me around on facebook in public.
well, i started out calm, but, he decided to maintain his behavior of the night - anger and immaturity. well, he got angry and said i need to consult him about all photos i put of him (which is fine, just a new rule he decided on in his moment of anger off the bus). well, he didn't understand how i felt - that i didn't want to be told what to do in public on facebook when he wrote "this photo sucks...take it down".. i wasn't able to speak to him gently anymore...i did quickly yell and told him "do NOT walk me home...leave me right now!"...
he then got angry....and then turned back and said "what does that mean!?"....and i said "COOL DOWN!" and i walked home the 5 min more on my own.
NO GUY tells me what to do or makes me do anything i don't want to do. no guy will push me down or think they can behave in a way that is rude or demeaning to me in public and think i'll take it.
i'm not mad at him - as he has these ways about him and it comes out especially in public - but, i do not forgive or appreciate or even accept his behavior when it's so out of line.
Progress as of today: -2.2 lbs lost so far, only 3.2 lbs to go!
at least i still know my limit, i make sure to stand my guard and take care of myself in these situations. not ready to end the friendship though. i just know what to expect from him.
lol to your pun. that's funny, on a "side note..." haha.:) take care.
8am oatmeal 150 with almond milk 20, stevia, cinnamon, saffron in one bite only lol, yogurt 2% chobani with fruit on bottom 130. 300. ....back to sleep for 1.5 hours :)
11:30-12:30 lunch wrap 130, egg/egg white 100, avo 150, chips 100, caffeine drink, 2large apricots ...600
3pm snack cooker veggies and half turkey burger 250 kombucha 100
500 McDonald’s
big banana 150
1900.
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I'm going to an orchestra concert in combination with a comedian/singer tonight at a very local stadium called the Forest Hills Stadium. Never been - so i'm extra happy to go with my friend Ricky. Tickets were decent, but not great - I think $50 which i'd say is semi-expensive. but, it's something to do and even involves an orchestra, so i'm really glad about that!
The area the concert is in doesn't have parking, so, we're taking the bus. It's the same bus i take for getting to the subway when i go to work. Good route.
So i'll be walking a little bit today, but not like the 5k i signed up for tomororw which is just constant walking of 3mi without stopping. I will not be going to the 5k tomorrow bc my left foot is too sore, weak and strained. i'll rest and not be doing a continuous walk until it feels a bit better....and it will.
and for the rest of the day today until the concert, i'm relaxing...no laundry. just couch and reading, unless i change my mind and cook something :) but i'm jjust resting my feet and legs and relaxing today.
Progress as of today: -2.2 lbs lost so far, only 3.2 lbs to go!
A good decision on the 5K. I will comment more about that, on yesterday's entry.
I can’t believe how much my ankle has been acting up :( I guess I gotta lay off
Happy Friday :)
650 cal before lunch, usual stuff...
lunch stewed zucchini 150, noodles 100, small amount meat/shrimp 250, avocado small amount 100. 550-600.
250, all healthy...
snack 4pm: half an old fashioned dunkin donut brought by coworker YUM 150 and a few almonds 50. 200
fruit 150, yogurt and choc chips 200 and later pb on cracker 150
2050 awesome
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I'm pretty set to skip the 5k on Sunday morning for more rest and relaxation. No need to abuse left ankle / calf more...we'll see how i feel.
walking / taking train after work to DMV to renew my license / get new since mine expires in September. I'm getting a new photo - with my short pixie hair...since my other one doesn't really look like me and i want a new photo - otherwise i'd have gone and done it online...but i work close to the midtown dmv in Manhattan, just a few stops away on the subway....i leave at 5pm and it's opened until 6pm so i should get there with a half hour to spare.....
I did go to the DMV with all the documents, but they needed originals of my birth certificate and also my passport in order to get the REAL ID license that i wanted. I only had copies. So, i'm thinking to go back after work Monday - but the line is very long for this process there and takes 2 hours. I really wanted to change my photo of my license, so, i guess i'll do that after work Monday along with bringing a good book :)
Progress as of today: -2.2 lbs lost so far, only 3.2 lbs to go!
I congratulate you on your decision regarding the 5K. You are attaining the wisdom - that I feel most only attain through age and experience - to know your limits. That is to say, you are becoming wise beyond your years.
I hope to start feeling better but not sure how long it will take - part of the issue is my commute I stand in place many days on the subway a half hour .....I’m hoping my body will continue to get stronger as I make better choices. My ankle will never be great but I really really hope to improve still - we will see :)
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I hope that putting it all down here has been cathartic. That's what's so nice about this site is that you can dump it here so that you don't have to carry it around with you any more.
That's OK to use a vacation day if you need more time to accomplish things. Many of my co-workers (myself included) take an extra day off at the end of a vacation to catch up -- sort of like that. I would do this "extended weekend" if it didn't mean coming back to a complete disaster the next day.
For a shortened weekend, it sounds like you're doing a good job of organizing today, getting stuff done at home, and then early bed.
yeah, i def see the need for another vacation day...so i'm not feeling stressed to get everything done in one day...i like to have extra time alone.
yes, it's cathartic and i was secretly waiting for your advice.
Donkey on 07/28/2019:
Regarding your conversation with C, about Ricky, and her comment --- were you complaining about him? (Are you sure?) Just checking... Will wait for your response before saying more about that.
yes, i have complained to her about him, yes.
but this time, we were driving by his apt and i said we were passing his apt...that's when she said "R" is coming up quite a bit, could you stop talking about him.
i do complain to him about her. and at times i actually complain to him about her LOL.
i recently complained about the other night with him to her...sometimes i wonder what's the point though to telling her anything that is actually an issue as she has a tendency to tease / put me further down on my issues. i know that sounds vague. i know i'm not perfect and shouldnt' really complain about anyone to anyone...ugh.
yes, i've complained about him recently to her.
Donkey on 07/28/2019:
Regarding the high school mini-reunion: Did I write this? Because that sounds exactly like how I feel about MY high school days. I was only too glad to be done and away. I keep in touch with a few people, and I'm happy to hear and see what is going on in their lives -- from a distance.
I sometimes check on classmates on FB who are "friends of friends" -- just curious about what they are doing in life, but certainly don't want to "friend" them, since they were never friends or even friendly with me before.
So the only reasons I could see to continue with the group or conversation about the mini-reunion are: 1. If you were planning on going - which you're not; 2. You were curious about how people turned out - but that doesn't seem like it either.
I, too, often find myself conflicted about high school people. Why do I care if Laura H. gained 100 pounds? Why do I care if Rene D. got divorced? Why do I care that Tina M. ended up marrying Pete V.? (Now there's a match to avoid: TWO people I could not stand in grade & high school.)
The way I look at it is this: the people you've wanted to keep in your life, you have, and therefore, you don't need a reunion. And if it just so happens that the number of people you've kept in your life from high school is ZERO (like me) or FB only (like me), then there's a good reason for that, and it has nothing to do with you as to who YOU are except to say that you're strong enough and mentally healthy enough to know when to cut what people out of your life.
You were OK with going about your business until someone brought the reunion to your attention. Now it buzzing around you like a mosquito. I think this is one of those things that the phrase "ignore it and it'll go away" is applicable.
Gently correct those who are critiquing your reaction: I'm not angry, I just don't care.
yes, those were the reasons i turned off all the conversation notifications. it was becoming annoying and a distraction to me.
i am just like you - NO real friends from high school, only on facebook. My "close friends" are from college since i went to a local school so many of them live around the area, luckily. although i do not seem them very often due to the type of lifestyle and work schedule i both choose and don't choose to have LOL. meaning, i like a low key lifestyle which means i'm prob not seeing my friends as often as i could because i prefer for my own happiness more downtime at home.
i do feel the need to speak up a little more when someone says something, but at the same time i have also learned that doing so has a tendency to sometimes create an argument or misunderstanding.
trishpiglet3 on 07/28/2019:
Thoughts as I've read this - Wonder what is going on in your friend's head? She sounds somewhat controlling. You can talk to me about Ricky as much as you want!
So very with you re Facebook reunions. Gentle Trish suggestion that you do something else special for yourself (or with chosen others) on that day. Your feelings and experiences are valid.
I like that we get the real you... I'd hate to be talking to a fake one. Disclaimer: If I say or have said anything unhelpful, please feel free to let me know xx
thanks for your comments, i appreciate it. yes, this friend can be very controlling with me and in general has a hard time with any of my other close friends. I'm glad you appreciate the real me. I will be doing something for me the night before the reunion! Going out to a restaurant i've been wanting to go to and tasting some new to me german food with a live disco band! :) that's my "better entertainment" for next weekend!
Donkey on 07/28/2019:
Regarding the conversation cutoff:
At first, which is why I asked, I thought perhaps you were complaining A LOT about him - perhaps as a way to process a situation. I have done this before, not usually with complaining but more so with anxiety. "Can I talk to you a little bit more about this, because I'm feeling very anxious about it?" Then my audience knows that I'm just trying to work out a difficult. I try not to do this too much because otherwise, I get annoying like Nice Lady at work. AND I only do this with people I'm comfortable with.
I could be wrong, but I do not think that is what happened yesterday.
It could be that your friend has a silent opinion about Ricky or your relationship with Ricky. It could be that she was/is so wrapped up with what's going on with her that she didn't want to share any more of the conversation with the topic. Perhaps she thought you had been talking about Ricky too much - but that would be natural because he is a part of your life-space.
I do think that to just say what she said, without explanation, was rather hurtful - not that she intended to hurt you. I also think that this would lead me to reconsider her as someone I would have to be careful with what I talk about. That sucks. See my reference to conversations with people I feel "comfortable" with.
You won't know unless you ask her, but then you might not like where that conversation goes.
I'm sorry this happened though.
i enjoyed reading all of your responses. It's true that is really is NOT worth it to speak to her about my feelings or needs regarding the situation with talking about Ricky. I did have a long chat with her the same night he last weekend that he chose to get so angry and i had gotten so frustrated. I ended up calling her in the moment as i was walking home that weekend from the bus after telling him to leave and walk home by himself and not with me.
so, i did a major talk with her about him just a week ago. but not since.
she doesn't like most of my closer friends. she hates Ricky. she thinks very negatively of him. she met him 1x, he was very saracastic and loud that 1x, and she told him off right there when they met.
in the past, i have introduced her to toehr friends and she has told me she thinks lowly of them as well.
she likes my college friend group a bit which is nice.
yeah, she didn't intend to hurt me - she was rather saying it because i guess she was uncomfortable with me continuing to talk about him.
i do have to hold my thoughts more around her. i'm doubt i'll be able to see her more often anyway that we do see each other, and it's just not even worth having to explain myself or my feelings.
sometimes, if someone just doesn't get it, it's not worth even trying.
my relationship with her has changed over the years, and i'm just fine with what it is now.
Donkey on 07/28/2019:
LOVE Trishpiglet's idea about pampering yourself on the night of the reunion!!!!!
the night before the reunion, i'm going out for something fun, with Ricky, g-d help it go semi normally!, so i'm glad i really do have another plan going on that weekend :)
in the end, 8 people are going. all women. most with kids. glad i will not be there. I have nothing in common with them worth discussing.
and also, as crazy as this sounds, I probably also make the lowest salary. many of them ended up becoming rather wealthy. i do not need this in my life...to feel bad about myself any further.