Hi!
Home: kombucha 50 good.
9am Breakfast at work: wrap 80, banana 120,peanut butter 200 400. coffee decaf with milk and stevia 50.
snack: smokehouse flavor almonds oh my good! 100 cal.
healthy lunch: half tiny avocado 150, white basmati rice 150, half large orange 60, 4 large egg whites 100, small serving saag 150 600 or so, all healthy.
4:30pm small piece chocolate 50 with peanut butter and jelly filling
early dinner, no exercise as my body is tired and i'm happy to go right home, cooking up some ground turkey tonight..but not even sure if i'm in the mood for it...maybe just a veggie potato based burger and rice and cabbage...yeah. i got it all at home already....i may bake the cabbage... I cooked turkey burgers! yay go me! had it 150, and some leftober saag 200-250, and okra sauteed 150 some chips and strawberries 200. 750 at most. excellent dinner!
2000 and all healthy! go me! eating healthy is def easier as i have started cooking and will save me money too!
phone is in car, totally not going to get it - planning on early to bed tonight wahoo!
2070 5-day average and eating healthy. far less sugar.
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Late start to morning and actually got to work late too, but nobody's here much this week and i'll of course make up the time later on today when i work till 4:45 instead of 4:30 - it's not a problem here. I slept really well last night and would have slept more if not for my alarm. Good sleep, no pill, naturally. I was tired.! T
onight no plans after work - except to cook up some ground turkey with taco seasoning. So i'll have nice meat to eat with the remainder of my meals this week - and not only eggs.
Good to save money by cooking at home more...feeling good about March right now. I'll make it work in March, despite not having days off I think I'm going to try to get thru it without taking a day off - nice challenge for me. I can come in late / leave early couple times and then not take a day off that Month...we'll see how I feel as the month goes thru.
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Despite eating more calories per avg each day, I have not gained any permanent weight i do not think. and today i feel slimmer than i have been in months....! i'm not really losing weight, just not bloated today at all.
really feeling good, but still darn right thigh leg cramps which is weird bc my period is basically over but i've had light lower back pain and thigh pain from the hormones the whole like 5 days even though the actual flow lasted only like 3..sorry.
Progress as of today: 2 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!
Banana at midnight 120 - bad right thigh cramps i think bc i had a lot of caffeine earlier in day...also a huge workout / period ending...combo stuff going on.
6:30am: Vinegar drink in morning: 10 cal by Suja a new one on the market that i liked
8:30am work breakfast: banana 120, wrap 80, peanut butter 200, cinnamon 400.
snack: maybe some bar strawberry cheesecake but tasted not like that at all, only one so i'm dealing not the worst. 150.
...emphasis on pretty healthy lunch :-D ...my weight was so low this morning around 114.5? but it's due to eating very lightly yesterday...kinda nice how my relatively small increase in cardio has led to rather moderate and i gotta admit far easier ability to maintain a lower weight. - to put it consisely: added cardio has made it easier to maintian 115lbs weight for me. I do know that i cannot push this cardio and after walking around Sunday in boots, i know i cannot overdo right now...legs are slightly sore, but no injuries :-D my workouts and leg work is paying off!!!!!! leg strength has a defiite noticable increase :-D - this means that i am able to walk more, less limitations. i'm happy!!
Early lunch: planning on taking an early lunch today at work, proably alone...i am happy just doing what i gotta do, no worries. ate with a male, married, coworker from phillippines, he's a fun man. always great conversation!...had half a blt 200-250...and some sauteed eggplant 100? and lots of sauteed pumpkin 200? bc of the oil. 550-600 all healthy.oh and a large orange..100.
1400 after a satisfying lunch. i didn't sleep much all night, my mind was thinking out everything i wrote about in this entry today...but i plan to catch up on sleep tonight. bc i'm tired, i'm craving caffeine soooo much. craving diet coke but it's bad for my skin so i'm refraining and trying to make some better choices as it's kinda nice to have the better skin as of late!
snack after work: ? almonds around 200 cal :-)
1600 and HEALTHY - before dinner....
Union Meeting from 6-7pm located 10 min walking from my apt so i'll go there tonight. This is why i planned for gym last night :-D
Dinner after union meeting: will def involve eggs bc i have a whole dozen of hard boiled tasty ones cooked up perfectly at home! up to 600.
2200 total.
2088 4-day.
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I am not asking for advice really on what is below - I have learned what many teens, young adults & adults have experienced, finally. Letting a love go. :-D It took until now, but now i have found the closure i need and i'm content. I'm fulfilled and know i gave my all...and that relationships are never one-sided so...if someone cannot give me what i do really need, i have accepted it, finally...and it's not what i need...and therefore it's not fullfilling. it took me a long time to gather the real courage and strength to face it...and i have. I am proud of myself for facing the facts and reality of my situation and that it was so very unhealthy to me (and him probably) and now i can continue to grow and face new relationships and people and situations....i am happy about this......
These past 2 years until now, I've learned more about being a grown-up, about negative frienships, and about negative romantic relationships. We all have to have our hearts broken and to end those sorts of relationships that aren't really good for us. I can say I have grown as a woman these couple years because of these events. It is never enjoyable to end long friendships nor is it easy to end loving someone.
For me, it was easier to break away from the frienships as it was me who wanted out. As far as liking a man (actually loving him on my end), it was hard to break off of that love and hurt when he didn't return my feelings. The way I eventually got over it was by realizing that this man loved to be in control - he was the boss and owner of his work and he didn't like to answer to anyone outside of work. He could not fullfill what i needed to be fullfilled...
He wanted full freedom and being boss meant there was nothing i could do to change his mind or make him love me - that if he didn't want it, i should be honest with myself and move on from a person that couldn't give me the love i was waiting and hoping for. I realized that it wasn't fully my fault at all, that this man is turning now 46 in the spring and he's still single...and it isn't my fault that he lives the way he lives. A relationship takes two, and the only one that wanted it was me - so i have realized that i will have to accept it -- and move on.
It took me a very long time to understand P (known him around 4 years i think now)...and to understand that "he's the boss of him," and "i'm the boss of me" and that it's going to be that way till eternity. That he's not emotionally available and never was.. As I look back on all the red flags, there are certain ones I notice now that I overlooked.
Slightly graphic ahead, very adult content - I had to write it for me, I am sorry if i offend anyone -
Big red flags were the night i hung out with him. He made it clear from almost the start of the night that he would NOT give into any of my desires - meaning when i went to try to kiss him at the bar when we were laughing and enjoying ourselves - he made it a huge deal saying "i'm not kissing you!" and laughing...when we were at another bar that night i asked him to dance with me - he said "i'm not dancing."...and when i was slightly "getting intimate with him in his bedroom and things get heated..almost...and i went to lick him (i am very sorry for being graphic i aplogize but this is the biggest red flag)...
...- he stopped me as my tongue touched his ----s and said " your friend is downstairs, this isn't a good idea..." and i stopped for him (but now i realize that i played into his control game - i should have fought him to continue - he was so afraid to lose control with me or do anything at all out of his comfort...and i listened to him at a moment when i should have pushed him to continue through this emotional and physical moment. the problem with why this negative and controlling semi-relationship went on so long is that i listened too much to him - i didn't realize the extent to which i tried to follow his "rules" and thinking that i was getting more succesful and winning him over but really i was just a player at his own game. I was running a race, but never moving forward, like a mouse on a wheel.
He let me wallow in attempting to catch him for several years, but he held the rope and always kept me several feet away at bay and never able to catch him. He was in control and wasn't going to let his guard down, even in the MOST INTIMATE of situations, he stopped himself, when he was fully aroused (and just so you know it seemed i never saw a man so close to climax and stop ok? i'm sorry to anyone reading this if it's too much but i have to get this out......do you know how hard that must be for most men????? he just stopped himself..he walked away, into the bathroom, but his underwear back on...do you know how upsetting that is to me? ...he isn't and will probably never be able to lose his sense of control and feel vulnerable. I don't know why and do not care - i have figured him out despite only hanging out with him that one night over a period of texting (i texted him basically daily every single day) and chatting (voice) almost never /very infrequently (he wouldn't agree to many phone conversations...it was a struggle to get him on the phone - another of his huge limitations) over FOUR YEARS!!.
I've learned a lot of myself and my needs. I KNOW that I am able to be in better and more honest / honorable relationships. If i have offended anyone, this is a journal / diary and i needed to write it out.
I am over him and it took till now to think about it. Over these couple weekends, i went to a couple shows about broken hearts, actually 3 in total and i was able to gain more insight on the topic. It's something that most adults experience - in order to really reach true love with someone later.
It's sad, but it happens to many. I am not alone. I am glad I can move forward understanding the situation better, especially after the programs i attended in person on these 2 weekends.
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12:15am: still right thigh cramp...took a 12hr pill similar to a midol and had a banana.
it's after midnight, need to go to sleep but not worried, of course, as i slept great all weekend. it's how it works with me & my gym routine. I am for a few good days, which balance out the others. and this has worked for me now...i have learned better balance which i'm happier with now.
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Progress as of today: 2 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!
Yeah, he was the opposite of ED...he was def able...for sure...i saw...i felt it in my hand actually pulsing more than any man before...and he then just disconnected from it...told me it was a bad idea...and had me put my shirt back on (pants were still on me...time of month..i'm sorry inner i know this is a lot of stuff)....and he walked to the bathroom...probably did what he needed to do - on himself. and he got dressed in there. and that was it. Last memorial day. it was the strangest ever. I do not think he sleeps around with any women. I think, despite his GREAT looks, that he only takes care of that aspect of his life by himself, with himself. It makes me sad to think about it.
I do NOT think he is comfortable anymore with anyone.
It's enough writign i've done on it, i have moved on.
I still think highly of him and respect him.
He's just not the man for me...
I want to think you.
This last confrontation of me and him was last night, i stopped by his work before i went to the gym. it went very poorly....it's over now :-)
thanks again. it's still raw but i'm over this relationship.
I'm happy i'm free and not tied down to anyone right now in general. that i can hang out with all friends and my life is open to experience more - really thankful for this!
gosh.
when you say mine was a strange guy, he was....very atypical...very controlling with his entire life and everyone he knew.
but you see isn't that nuts, he couldn't be intimate sexually or emotionally. he was totally unable at all to do anything relationship-wise.
i will never try to "wait" to see if a man can open up....that's not going to be good for me...i'm ok.
i'm happy i'm still young and healthy. i don't think i want kids, i'm 34...so that's not a factor for me that needs addressing...
i think i am still in the running to find the right man for me <3
I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart again...as i was addicted to this guy for several years now and it's good to get the closure. he never allowed me to get closure which is what continued this, but now it's done. And i'm so thankful about it.
I'm very proud of you for shedding yourself of (what seem to me to be) these toxic relationships. Some people never get out, but you've done it. Twice.
My only finger-wagging, lecturing, mom-voice is the part where you mention doing all that walking around in boots! Horn, you must be more careful with your footwear considering your previous injury and your NYPD goal. Proper and healthy/correct footwear is EVERYTHING. Ms. Donkey knows this from her own sad experience, so please learn from my mistake!
Yeah, boots weren't the smartest. Right leg is good to go but of course left ankle is still tight. It's good to know I was able to handle it better, but, I will listen to you and just not go crazy with the boots again for a long time...maybe invest in some sorta flats that look good for going out instead of sneakers that i can use my orthotics (inserts) with. You are right...boots do defeat the purpose haha. THANK YOU.
1:30am - pita crisps 220. waking up too often with appetite.
9am breakfast fiber one 2 cups 240, almond milk 30, blueberries 120 400. 620, good. Currently doing few small loads of laundry.. Snack: almonds 110 730.... My friend is coming over to plan our flight to Vegas for October!
Only snacking until lunch at 3! - coffee 50 or so?
nice and healthy lunch at diner: mushrooms sauteed 150, some stewed zucchini 100, and half my BLT (the rest is for lunch tomorrow) 300. 550-600. excellent.
after gym: protein cookie 350.
1750, excellent considering my high cal days as of late! good.
2050 3-day avg. good!
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After lunch i picked up some basic items from supermarket. I'm def prepared for this short week ahead. Glad it's just 4 days.
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Tomorrow I have a meeting after work as to which i am happy to attend. It feels good to have planned gym and everything so that i can attend - no prob! ;)
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We are only planning the flight dates and booking today - not doing hotels or anything else yet bc it's too early and we are waiting to see prices on groupon in a few Moore months .. Couple errands Gym in evening around 4:30pm-6:30pm HAPPY PRESIDENT'S DAY!
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sorry i'm not commenting, i've been quite active off here as of late.
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Vegas is booked, done. I got a very cheap flight - basically the cheapest around so I got very, VERY lucky. Round trip, non-stop, it was $360 from NYC. This is, by far, a not good, but a GREAT price. Did great. I actually got a $60 discount - by calling up and helping my friend take care of her ticket - i was awarded $60 off. I got very lucky today!
Progress as of today: 2 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!
Breakfast and snacks 700. All healthy. Some caffeine also. Going to a show today with my friend and dinner after...show only $10.
50 cal chocolate , strawberries 800..
chicken 150, sauteed veggies one big bite of fried plantain 200, pumpkin 150.
1300-1350, healthy.
dinner: fish 200 at least, roasted cauli 250 at least, few fries 50-100, cabbage cooked some oil 50, seaweed salad 50? - 750?
1.5 light beers 200 cal...
2250-2300. blech! but all in great fun....awesome day, trust me!
2day avg = 2200. bed soon.
Progress as of today: 2 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!
Close to 9am: huge breakfast: oatmeal 150, honey and almond milk 50, vanilla protein packets i am using up (got two more left but it's too many calories to do all the time at 200) 200, peanut butter 200. 600 - extremely filling. good. Healthy mix with lots of added vitamins, good fiber and protein :-) Was craving it. Got full well ahead of finishing, but just went for it!
10:45 while doing laundry: banana and almonds 200.
12:30pm 100 cal almonds, chips 130, chicken 150, rice 100, sauteed okra 150: 630.
1400, healthy.
before gym: bar and caffeine...150
1550
after gym:
Total 2100 all healthy.
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little bit of muscle cramps today due to female stuff. came early which is weird, but only by like 2 days. no prob. glad to work out at gym tonight.
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I have wonderful plans for this weekend. Today is gym tonight and i think laundry soon after a quick shower before i go down to that laundry room. For some reason, i have a ton of clothes and stuff to wash? i will do another laundry day on Monday so that it's an easy week next weekend :-) But laundry is full, so i'll wash what's in there. Monday i'll also do bedding along with clothes from weekend. all is good.
Ah - weekend plans:
Saturday: laundry, gym tonight and anything else i can think of at home, reading.
Sunday: afternoon out in Astoria for a show with my friend at 3pm ($10 show) and dinner after nice day!
Monday: laundry again to make it easier on the following weekend, quick food shopping maybe some cooking but not much this weekend, not in mood, and gym in evening.
Progress as of today: 2 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!
Midnight - banana 120, later acv in vinegar with stevia.
Breakfast: banana 120, wrap 80, some pumpkin sauteed 30?, peanut butter 200: 430.
11:45am snack: Smokehouse flavor almonds so good! 100 or so.
Lunch: some of my food and some Indian food! ordered at work!! chicken not more than 100, rice 250-300 at least i overdid it, lettuce 50, ...and some Indian on top of saag (spinach) or just okra not sure. indian at least 300-400 also for that food i think? up to 850 for lunch but all healthy...just huge portions.
1500 after lunch and very full....tasty change of pace but want to eat light for dinner...maybe the Halp Top light ice cream again lol...haven't done that in awhile...
5:30pm snacking at home before walk: come chips 50 & chicken 100.
2250. good.
7day avg: 2006, decent.
Progress as of today: 2 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!
Morning at home: little kombucha 20 and some local honey. 60 total and also some acv in seltzer with stevia.
1st breakfast: some roasted spicy chickpeas and some coffee (decaf) with milk 100
2nd breakfast: banana 120, peanut butter 200, wrap 80: 400.
600 approx total.
Lunch: all healthy - brown rice 150, roasted veggies 250 tops, chicken 200 tops 600.
Snack: perhaps apple 100
Before gym: bar and caffeine 100
total so far: 1400 :-D
After gym: maybe cookie...not sure.
400Total today is 1800, nice !!
1966 avg
Progress as of today: 2 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!
Home: kombucha 50 (contains caffeine)
First breakfast at work 8:45am: tea licorice flavor no caffeine, banana (must buy bananas at lunch) 120, almonds in smokehouse flavor 80. 200.
2nd Breakfast: wrap 80, peanut butter 200, some local honey 40 & some cranberries 30: 350
Lunch: healthy - cauliflower with a little butter (made into mashed) 100, rice not much 100, some other veggies 100, chicken 200 that i cooked! 500 and maybe a kiwi 50. 550.
3:30pm chocolate dove - light blue color and sorta large rectangle shape 50.
snack on way home: peanuts 150
Dinner: all healthy. few bites of chicken not more than 100, lots of potato 200 i'd say at least maybe 250, and eggplant sauteed 100, and some other cooked veggies 100. 650.
total today is healthy: 2000.
5-day avg: around 2000, fine. trying to lower it, got into a habit of eating more lately.
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At lunch i was able to pick up bananas and some cooked veggies and also some lettuce. good for the rest of the week now :-D
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Progress as of today: 2 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!
1987 4-day avg. good :-)
Happy Valentine's Day to all my friends here - single, dating, married - it doesn't matter. I have love to share with everyone here. <3 <3 <3
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kombucha at home, ONE serving. good job to me. 40.
Work breakfast #1: Valentines chocolates which included a Dove red velvet for 40 cal and a giardhelli milk for 60. easy 100...and tasty and a banana 120 and tea (decaf - Licorice). 220.
Late Breakfast: wrap pumpernickle flavor 80, peanut butter 200, cooked cranberries 40: 320.
lunch: leftover tilapia 100-150, veggies including ones i made - mashed cauliflower 200-250, rice small amount 50, kiwi 50: 500.
before gym: bar and caffeine 100. and a chocolate 50.
After gym I had a nice subway sandwich and chips 600. 1850 at most
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There's a work breakfast at 9am that i'm not interesting in even going downstairs for....i have my food...so since i've been walking around giving people sequin pens with nice big sequin hearts on top, i'm good...gonna start my work.
One of my good friends is on vaca and i cannot text them....it's very hard not to considering Valentines. It's someone that i love, sorry everyone, but it's true. I mailed them a card last night...no way i cannot do SOMETHING.
Progress as of today: 2 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!
2033 3-day average..
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Please read yesterday's entry, it's more exciting (sunday's entry) than today's!!!!
Monday entry:
3am monday morning: pita chips, 2 servings. 240 cal.
pita chips and kombucha at home: 310
work: green tea, banana 120, wrap 60 with cream cheese 100 and turkey pepperoni 70: total here 350.
Snack: only a decaf coffee with milk and one splenda. 60
12PM: I had 100 cal almonds - good choice as i was getting too hungry.
800. higher cal than usual bc of 3am snacks, its fine.
Healthy lunch, lower carb and higher protein: lots of cabbage 100 tops, shrimp salad leftovers some sauce 150?, steak 150? chips 200: 650 or so i think. maybe a kiwi. 50. i might eat less meat though and include a bag of chips. i don't like to skimp on carbs anymore.
1450 before dinner, maybe...depending how much i eat of lunch.
2050 total, very good :-)
bed early....
Progress as of today: 2 lbs lost so far, only 3 lbs to go!
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March and August are the longest months ever. I will be taking my trip to OK in March and DH has knee replacement surgery at the end, those will help me get through the horrible month of March. I should probably eat more eggs. Have a good day.
yeah egg whites when mixed with some healthy fats / veggies or eat a yolk as long as you have good cholesterol otherwise just the whites and some other fat like avocado...will fill u up and egg whites are like no calories! was good idea for today's lunch...
yes the trip in OK will be good for you...March stinks...i've run outta days because our new days start in APRIL...but if i have to, i'll take one extra day off in March if I'm starting to get too run down. otherwise, i just plan to sleep in one of the days in March..
i mean sleep in, and come to work still...just be late and have an excuse ready. gotta do what i gotta do.