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IronBlossom - Sunday Oct 23, 2005
(Combat Conditioning and South Beach)
Weight: 192.0

I am so sick of this. I do good for a week, then I completely fall off the wagon. It's too hard/far to go grocery shopping, I'll just order food! It's too cold to get up early and work out and I'm too stressed out thinking about all the things I need to do to work out later. I have motivation for a couple days and then legions of excuses for another week. I start and stop and can never actually make the changes in my life that I know I need to make in order to lose weight, slim down, be happy.

I know that it's not my weight making me unhappy, rather I think it's the other way around. If I were happier I would find it easier to lose weight because I wouldn't eat to fog my emotions, I wouldn't drink to forget why I need to drink. I want to make myself more appealing to other people but I don't really even appeal to myself.

I am working on it. My brother wants to have a conversation later about things I said to him about myself when I was drunk last weekend. I will have that conversation, even though I don't want to.

I realized last night that I don't talk about or think about my emotions because they change so fast and without warning. I never know where I'm going to be from minute to minute and I am not a flighty person. My persona is not flighty. But I think that maybe deep down I am kind of flighty. That scares me.

I am my daddy's little ice princess. I never let myself get nervous, scared, anything but calm, competent and BETTER than anyone else. And I love that person a lot, I think she has a lot going for her. But I also think that in order to get my life and my health together I need to start dealing with all the emotions that person shoved down for two decades and refused to admit to, talk about, or even really feel them. If you don't talk about it, don't admit it, it doesn't exist. I've lived by that credo, but I think it's time to change. Not the talking about, maybe, nobody wants to hear about it. But the admitting it, if just to myself.

Ok, this was introspective. Today I'm trying to get back on track with my diet, I no longer have bad foods in the house. Yesterday I worked out but I don't know if I'll get to it today. I want to, but it's Sunday and I need to prepare for next week.

I also need to study unless I want to flunk out of law school altogether.

gentle on 10/23/2005:
Your words are so me that it's kind of scary. Everything you just said I can completly see in myself .I am so happy you can find yourself to deal with it.I'm guessing when I get there I'll be a happier person to.



IronBlossom - Wednesday Oct 12, 2005
(Combat Conditioning and South Beach)
Weight: 189.6

Well, I did go out drinking last thursday, and friday, and then we tailgated on Saturday. I didn't eat much any of those days, but what I did was all carbs, all pizza pretty much. So I gained a bunch back. But it was homecoming, and now it's wednesday and I'm already back to a new low. So I just have to watch myself on the less dramatic weekends and keep a downward trend going.

I joined an Ultimate Frisbee team, just intermural, nothing fancy, but we had an hour practice on Monday and an hour game on Tuesday. It was hella fun, but it made me realize how out of shape I am. I want to practice with a frisbee now too, just throwing it far and catching it without dropping it.

Having a man that I want in my bed more than I've wanted any guy in a long time helps motivate me there too. Unfortunately, he's a little emotionally unavailable, as in, still in love with his deceased fiancee. He's beautiful though, really magnificient. I can't come close.

So next week I have a breack from school, no classes and my goal is to go running every day, do uphill sprints, jump rope and plyometrics until I drop. I figure if I do an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening I shouldn't get too tired to study in between, and I'll stay fresher longer. I'm going to think of it as my break-down week.

Of course I'm going to try to start now, but I already over slept this morning, so we'll see how it goes after Torts today. Today is our Friday for Torts, we don't have it the rest of the week, so we may go out drinking tonight. I might skip though, I've been going out a lot and I can't really afford it in the pocket or in the gut.

But he'll probably be there, and he'll probably get smashed...the question is if I want to be there under those conditions. Today was supposed to be his third wedding anniversary.

Wow, I am so screwed when it comes to him. There's just no way. If I were smart I would forget about it right now.


IronBlossom - Thursday Oct 06, 2005
(Combat Conditioning and South Beach)
Weight: 189.6

I will be drinking tonight, I can almost guarantee it. We've all had a very stressful week, and we all just finished a big project and most of us don't have class tomorrow until 2:20. Hot stuff.

Oh well. Today I haven't stayed on the diet, but not really in a bad way. I got my period and I just haven't been hungry. I've had two cups of coffee and some water and a yogurt cup. I dunno, I got really hungry last night (I always do right before my period) and I just could not figure out what to eat. So I didn't eat much, but some cheese and meat and two slices of organic sprouted wheat bread. My mom left it here a while ago and it's probably the best kind of bread I could be eating. I know I shouldn't have but oh well.

I'm so tired I feel like my brain is moving slower than normal.

I talked to Holly for a while this morning, it was nice. I want to sleep but I need to read, I want to eat but I can't think of anything I can have that I actually want. I need to exercise.

I am down to 190.2 though, that's 2.6 pounds. Go me.


IronBlossom - Wednesday Oct 05, 2005
(Combat Conditioning and South Beach)
Weight: 189.6

Today's a good/bad day. I feel good, but I don't have enough time to get everything done that I need to. I have a really long case to read in crim and an 11 page memo to write for Legal Research and Writing that I've barely started.

Also, I feel dumb, but tonight is the premier for the new season of One Tree Hill and I'm going to be very sad if I don't get to see it, but it's not looking to good for making it. I can tape it, which is better, I know I know, because no commercials, but at the same time, it's the whole experience! Plus, I've been waiting so long. Like I said, I feel dumb.

I'm pretty hungry today. Been constipated too, I heard that could be a problem with this diet. Finally I just went ahead and put wheat germ into my cottage cheese and choked down about 1/4 cup. I have some left for later, but it's really not good, not good at all.

I have already lost 1.8 pounds, but considering that I want to lose 67.8...it seems like so far to go. Of course I'd be happy with losing 57.8, or even 47.8. I never realized how much that was until I saw it laid out like that. I mean, that's like 1/3 of my body weight. That's DISGUSTING!

I don't know though, now that I think about it, I have less than 33.3% body fat, so I'm gonna lose muscle? That would piss me off. Plus, if I lose ALL my body fat I'll die.

I'm rethinking my goals I think. I mean, I was 145 before and my boyfriend ****ed that I was too skinny and people kept saying they were "worried." All I saw was the scale, so I didn't really care what other people thought, but now I wonder.

Well, we'll see as it goes. Right now my goal is 125. Will I ever make it? Who knows, who cares. The devil, as they say, is in the details...but so is the fun. As I start feeling better and looking better I'll reevaluate. But first I've got at least 40 pounds to lose and then I can decide on a settled weight.


IronBlossom - Tuesday Oct 04, 2005
(Combat Conditioning and South Beach)
Weight: 189.6

Man, I get hungry at the weirdest times now.

I wasn't hungry when I went home for lunch, but I did eat, and now I AM hungry, but I just ate!


IronBlossom - Tuesday Oct 04, 2005
(Combat Conditioning and South Beach)
Weight: 189.6

Goddamn it damn it damn it!

I had a regular soda, I knew I shouldn't but I wanted the caffiene...

now I'm having major chest/torso pains. I KNEW this would happen but I put it out of my mind and drank it anyway. Goddamn it hurts.

Never again. Never. Diet soda doesn't do this to me. Just regular, and really just regular high-caffinated.


IronBlossom - Tuesday Oct 04, 2005
(Combat Conditioning and South Beach)
Weight: 189.6

Alright, so I had two lite beers last night. Not terrible.

I also ended up having a huge dinner. I didn't think it was that much but I was really really full. Then I again had too much fat-free whipped topping. Oh well.

Then I slept in this morning and didn't have time to get breakfast until after my first class, so now it's almost one and I haven't had lunch, just breakfast and my first snack. That's good though, after my next class I'll go get some salad and chicken and bring back my afternoon snack and then I can study until I get hungry again or 8pm, whichever comes first.

I should be good now until Thursday, and maybe even beyond. I don't have any specific plans for thursday, but then I never do, they just happen. One of my classes got cancelled for Friday too, so we'll see.

I really need to study though. It's very odd, I'll be going through and one week I'll do great and the next week horrible. This is a horrible one so far. Back to crim!


IronBlossom - Monday Oct 03, 2005
(Combat Conditioning and South Beach)
Weight: 189.6

I've stayed good today. Now just no drinking or eating at the bowling alley.

I hope it's fun, and I'm planning on throwing myself into it...but I really doubt it. Too much "baby-mama" drama, although not that classless, and too many people I don't know...


IronBlossom - Monday Oct 03, 2005
(Combat Conditioning and South Beach)
Weight: 189.6

So far it's going well. I'm already feeling better again, and I'm really not all that back to craving carbs (yet, fingers crossed!) which surprises me. I have had to pee all damn day, which is only irritating because I have 4 classes and I really cannot get up and move out of two of them.

Anyway, lunch was a short little thing, I ran out of time so I didn't have time to make chicken so I just had salad, a bit of SB mashed 'potatos' some fresh veggies (precut) with hummus and a California roll. That sounds like a lot, but it was only a bit of each one, so it really wasn't.

Anyway, tonight we're going bowling and I really don't want to go that much anymore, just feeling too stressed out and tired and I know everyone's going to be drinking which is going to make me want to drink, but I refuse.

Also, the totally hot guy that set it up, turns out he's bringing the girl he's been seeing lately and I really don't need to see that. Not that I ever had a chance with him, or even really wanted one, I just don't want to see him with someone else when I feel so pessimistic about ever finding someone for myself.

Anyway, I'd rather be watching Law Vegas and working out on the commercials ;-P Oh well.


IronBlossom - Sunday Oct 02, 2005
(Combat Conditioning and South Beach)
Weight: 189.6

Alright, so I'm starting over tomorrow. I just have some left over pasta to eat tonight, and some wine, I probably won't finish off the wine though, so we'll see how that works.

Anyway, I feel good. I went back to the store and I got some things I needed and I made the SB mashed potatos this afternoon. They're not really that close to real potatos, but they'll definitely fill that craving niche for me.

Later on I'm going to make some California Wraps for my snacks.

I also bought a bunch of plastic containers so I can store and haul stuff easier.

I'm just going to work on staying on the diet, staying positive, saying no to alcohol, and being more efficient so that I can get my **** done and have time to work out.


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