- Friday Mar 21, 2003
Conversation between me (m)and my daughter (d):
D: You should put on a bra. M: Why do you say that? D: Because, yours are hanging down and pointing out. M: I have one on, but thanks Ms. Perky Breasts for pointing it out.
Sigh, old age. Know the quickest way to get a face lift? Take off your bra! Ha, ha! Old joke. I'm with Oprah. I call mine The Girls. I'd love to weigh mine and deduct it from my weight. Wouldn't that be nice?
Ok, just a little smile about boobs to brighten your day.
- Thursday Mar 20, 2003
I was flipping through the channels on t.v. this morning and you know what I noticed? Every other channel was an exercise/weight loss infomercial. Guess who it was targeted at? Women. Is this because women make up most of the television viewership? like to shop? have the most trouble losing weight? Probably all of the above. I thought about all of the past equipment being hawked on t.v. The bun and thigh master, the gazelle, the abslide. Some were good, some were not so good. Now, there's the bun and thigh max. Pretty much all of them give us the reward we're looking for--a quick fix--lose up to 12 inches in two weeks- go from a size 18 to a size 4 without being a bit hungry! We fall for it every time.
We all know the answer. Eat less, move more. Have you ever seen a man undertake losing weight. The first thing they start doing is exercising--maybe because it is most effective for them. Men change fat to muscle a lot quicker than we do. They cut out the junk and usually you notice a big difference in a few weeks. Then, when they lose what they want, their ego soars, and unlike us, they stick with the thing that works best. They continue to exercise. They pick up the weights and keep at it.
Some women stick with it too. I'm just generalizing, not picking. I know that when I lose ten pounds and like what I see, I think--good job, now go back to eating what you want. Anyone else like this? It's so easy to put on and so hard to take off. So before you wait for another 20 pounds to add up, take charge now. Get up. Move. Don't worry about the Atkins plan, Sugar Busters, so on and so on. Eat less move more. Scientific. Burn more than you take in and you lose. We make something so simple so complex. We spend millions of dollars a year as a country and in the back of our heads, we already know the answer. It's not a quick fix or quick results. It's scientific fact.
- Friday Mar 14, 2003
Today is my son's fifth birthday--Happy Birthday Parker!-- I can't sleep and am on here in the middle of the night because my pillow is soaked with tears. I thought about calling my best friend, but I didn't want to wake him. He's heard it a thousand times anyway. It's as if my soul is groaning in inutterable words.
Parker is my gift straight from God. I prayed for him and I had faith and not one grain of doubt that God heard me and would answer and give me a son. I had tried for five years to have a baby. When I was pregnant, my then hubby said that he would quit drinking when the baby was born, then it was New Years, then birthdays and anniversaries........you know. It just got progressively worse. At the end, it was leave and give my girls a life they deserved and I deserve or stay. I couldn't stay. Even my "little gift" was yelling at me the way he heard his daddy yell at me. Kids only know what they see.
I could never, ever go back. You see, you can have a life free from cuss words, free from smoke, free from disrespect. If a customer comes in and I just smell alcohol or tobacco, my stomach turns and the alcohol makes me physically sick.
Why am I here? Because I miss looking out and seeing my little boy playing, ever so comfortable in his big, nice, backyard. I miss seeing him ride around the yard on the mower with his dad. I miss days on end with him. I miss out on so much of his life because I have to work and can't have him as much as I want. I can't talk about it (except to my friend). It's always there, like a cloud. When my mom mentions things, I just skip over it because I can't talk. If I talk, I cry. I cry probably three nights a week or more. I cry myself to sleep and I cry in the arms of my friend.
I'm his mommy and he's my baby and I want to tuck him in every night. I want to hear all the funny, cute things he says. I could totally have a friendly relationship with his dad and think nothing of it. I wouldn't care if he came over for birthdays and Christmas, but, no, he can't do that. The last time he dropped him off here, he hollars out the window, "It's all your mom's fault, Parker." Now what kind of parent is that? Why wouldn't you want to help your child adjust and be the most confident kid they could be. I don't understand people.
My head hurts and I'm tired. I have to take him back today at 2:30 because I have to work tonight and open in the morning. I could have him Sat. from 4:30 to Tues. at 2:30, but no, I can never have him on Sundays because that is his dad's only day off--even though he takes him to work with him. Either I can't have him or Parker doesn't want to come because he has more fun at daddy's.
When he comes here, he is so tired and has dark circles under his eyes. He sleeps until 10 or 11 in the afternoon and after that is fine. Poor little fellow. Please do me a favor and don't comment on just this one entry. I love the comments usually, but I just don't want the sympathy. Just pray for me, ok? That means the world.
- Wednesday Mar 12, 2003
Ok, can someone give me the address to the Diet Diaries pictures? I lost it when I changed email subscribers. Also, how do I change my password on here?
Today's topic, Is Your Past Influencing Your Future? Last night, after unconciously trying to sabatoge my relationship by saying the wrong thing, I did some serious thinking and comptemplating. First, why did I say that? I am usually so down on myself that I don't think I deserve anything good. And, I have something good now, so I definitely don't want to lose it, so why am I acting the way I'm acting? Do you ever try to hurt someone first before they hurt you? Do you ever feel as if you don't deserve something so you try to prove why you don't deserve it? Ok, maybe I'm losing everyone, but I think there will be a few out there that can relate.
I am and HAVE let my past dictate my future. I have made bad relationship mistakes in the past because of it. I didn't feel as if I "deserved" to be treated with respect or else I wouldn't have let the people I loved get by with treating me with disrespect. It was all up to me. I needed to stand up for myself and say "No, you will not treat me this way because I won't stand for it." Instead I by tolerating their behavior, I made it clear to them that it was ok for them to treat me that way and get away with it.
Now, let's relate it to food. You've made BIG mistakes in the past. (Maybe in the past 3 minutes) Are you going to let that dictate your future or are you going to learn from it and forgive yourself and go on? Are you worth putting down the whole pizza and only eating two slices? Knowing the problem and identifying it puts you on the path to discovering the solution. Why are you abusing your body? Why don't you feel like you're worth it? Has the world always beat up on you so you feel like you have to too? Are you lonely/depressed and your best friend is food? It makes you feel better for the moment, but hate yourself later.
I just threw you the key. Take time today and figure out the problem which will lead you to unlocking the solution.
- Tuesday Mar 11, 2003
Goodmorning! I have already moved today. I started by sweating, moved my legs, heart racing, pumped my arms and filled my lungs with refreshing air. And.....I can now add that this is my second entry today!
Every school day, I make my middle child breakfast, get her up and go back to bed. She makes sure the 15 yr. old gets up. Then, they get me up when they're about ready, or if they need something, like hair braided or something. Well, this morning, I go back to bed and a while later, I start sweating. I thought, well, can't sleep, I might as well get up and make sure the oldest is up. I get up and pass the thermostat and IT IS ON 80 DEGREES! Turns out the child I have yet to see, but has lived with us forever.....named Ididn't.......did it. Then, I go back to bed and I hear, boom....boom...thump, my heart starts racing. Music....I stand on my bed and pound on the ceiling. Lay back down, just drifting off.....I hear it again! I get up, take a deep breath and proceed to wake the neighborhood with something that ended in "throwing that thing out the window!!!"
As if that weren't enough to start my morning, I was on here making this entry (first one was much better, btw) and the oldest decides that she hasn't tortured me enough and comes down to get the boombox so she can plug it in in the bathroom. Just as she goes to unplug it.......poof! She unplugs the computer instead and I lose the whole entry!
I was wondering about what to write about last night. Thank God for kids, I wouldn't have had a thing to talk about. Now I must go pray for all the things that came out of my mouth when my computer turned off. Have a blessed day!
- Monday Mar 10, 2003
C'mon. Tweet, tweet. Hear that? Yep, the birdies are back and ......c'mon. C'mon and what? C'mon and move with me. Please! (in a whining tone) Please, I was going to ask for 15 min., but it's Monday, so I'll just ask for 10. 10 little minutes. Move with me. Walk for 10 minutes. Heck, stretch for 10 minutes. I bet the 10 minutes turns into 15 anyway. I am pushing up the hill, right at the top, getting ready to go over. I figure the ole saying, "Move it or lose it is about right" I need to move it, or surrender to looking older and mostly FEELING older. C'mon, let's go.
You should have seen me yesterday. I really moved it. I still have the bruises to prove it. This house has a "cellar" Well, actually, I'm pretty sure it's where the "Silence of the Lambs" was filmed. You know, where he threw the fat chicks in the hole he had dug? My boyfriend said, "You still haven't showed me what's down there." (Was that a challenge?) So, we open the dungeon up and get a flash light. He's looking around and said, "Here, hold my coffee." All the sudden, I hear something moving in the far corner. I think it's running towards us. I turned and screamed and starting running up the steps. Well, the psycho that built the dungeon made one of the steps much larger than the others and I tripped. Coffee went everywhere, making the stone/dirt steps a muddy mess. I was filthy and sat down and started laughing. "Did you hear that? What was it?" Turns out, he had thrown dirt behind us when I wasn't looking to scare me. Can you say payback? Hmmmmm. Just gotta plot how.
Friday, I started God's diet. What's that, you say? Well, I figure, if God didn't make it, I'm not eating it. He made fruits, veggies, meat, whole wheat, He didn't make Little Debbie's. If man interferred with it, I don't want it. Well, sounds good, huh? It lasted 12 hours until we went to a basketball game and they sold Lemon Head candies. *sigh*
Went to see "Bringing Down the House" It was really good and funny. Walmart, my second home, is selling the Leslie Sansone (sp?) walking tapes in a set with a bungie type cord for your arms for $24.87. So, c'mon. Move. Go to Walmart and walk for 10 min. and buy the tapes on the way out! C'mon!
- Friday Mar 07, 2003
I was getting ready for work and checking out the package in the full length mirror. I turned side-ways and "AAAAARRGGGHHH!!!" "THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" No joke. From the side I look 5 months pregnant. It's all in my stomach, with a splattering of ripples running down my inner thighs. Very attractive, let me tell you. Why did I have to go get so dern happy?
More importantly, why didn't anyone tell me? I can understand my boyfriend not saying anything, "UM, hon......you're kinda chunking up" followed by sobbing on my part and refusing to talk to him. But what about my friends? Who am I kidding? They let me walk around with mascara like an Indian warrior smeared across my face and a boogar fluttering in and out of my nose with every breath I take. Ok, what about my kids? Oh, yeah, right, let's make mom grumpier! What about my ex husband? Oh, as if he'd tell me! "Ha, ha, she's as big as a house!" Ok, so that just leaves me. Were your pants getting tighter? Well, yeah, but I am getting ready to start, full moon rotation, water retention, been taking steroids that were prescribed, Iraqis sending fat gas over. *sigh* The mirror tells it all. "Hey!" I smile. "I know, maybe I am pregnant!" But I know better. Isn't that awful? Hoping you are pregnant and there's an excuse why you look five months pregnant. Nope, no excuse. Face facts. Start now or wait until your 12 months pregnant and need a wheelbarrow.
"POW!!!" The sound of the starting gun.......and I'm off!......
- Thursday Feb 13, 2003
Thanks so much for your comments and support. Yes, I feel the same way. In the end, my little one will know that I love him and see what's what. It's just hard.
So many people at work are on the Atkin's diet and they swear they are never hungry and don't crave anything. The biggest complaint I have heard is that they're getting tired of the same ole things. I still haven't jumped aboard yet, but am still thinking.
Lord help me, I got my gas bill and it is $240!!! I didn't get on the budget, nor do I want to because this should be the last big one of the year. Normally, my gas bill has been around $100/month all year. Break out the thermals and coats, kids!
Oh, well, we'll tap into our fat stores to keep warm if I keep the thermostat down! Gotta keep looking on the bright side!
- Monday Feb 10, 2003
Nope! I didn't leave ya again. I've just been having some major life upheavals! The main one being my ex threatening to take custody of my little boy. He owns a car lot and can take him to work with him. I can't take him to work with me. While I'm at work, my mom can watch him though, but my ex has put it into his head that if he doesn't want to go to grandma's he can call daddy and then I don't get him back that day. Or, if I call, my ex tells me no I can't have him, or my little boy says he doesn't want to come because he has more fun at daddy's. Well, of course he does, daddy bought him a four wheeler and he's surrounded by kids to play with. I had five days off--I get a four day weekend once a month. I had him from Wed. at 4:15 up until my ex called Saturday night and asked him if he wanted to ride his 4 wheeler the next day and of course that's all I heard about, so he went back to daddy's on Sunday when I could have kept him up until 3:30 p.m. today. I basically got screwed out of a day with him. I don't call and infringe on his time, but he does on mine. His bright idea was that I only get him on my days off, well, I have four of them and he screws it up for me. Nothing ever changes, still messing up my life.
He won't let me have him when I can get him, but complains that I don't have him enough for him to be paying child support. (We have joint custody)
All that on top of the fact that I have a cold. So, I haven't been on here at all since last time.
But, just keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Yes, I made mistakes in our relationship and so did he. It takes two to make it and two to break it. Am I supposed to pay for it for the rest of my life? I feel like it's hopeless sometimes. I can't even talk to him without him cussing at me. The next time I am hanging up. I don't have to listen to his filthy mouth anymore.
- Tuesday Jan 28, 2003
Getting ready for work-have to straighten the house. I swear, every morning I think I'm going to start on a diet, and every morning I start with a bad choice or craving something I shouldn't. Still waiting for that jump start. Maybe I need to go try on clothes under the unforgiving lights and mirrors-maybe some swimsuits---hmmmm--agh! Yuck! That would do it, I'm sure.
I am going to hire someone to straighten my hair. It is one length to about my shoulder blades now and naturally wavy/curly. That is an arm workout in itself. After I straighten it, I don't wash it for two days. It's too much work.
Good news is I did hop on treadmill last night, then did lunges and squats and situps. That triggered a chain reaction of feeling good-cleaned the kitchen for the second time, did some laundry, STRAIGHTENED THE PANTRY and then gave myself a facial. Gotta look good if Mr. Right decides to drop in/back in!
Thanks for the advice and comments. I forgot how much I missed this place and what a huge wealth of support and friendship it is. Glad I can EXHALE again.