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Runner - Tuesday Aug 15, 2006
(Under 1300 calories)
Weight: 116.5

Yikes! Where did THAT number come from? I swear, doing everything right just never seems to work for me!

I was very "on-track" yesterday, but I woke up to yet another gain. I just can't take this anymore! This constant weight gain is dominating my thoughts...and I have trouble focusing on anything else.

I haven't really lost a pound for almost a year now. Sure, I've had fluctuations...but no real weight loss. How can that be? I call myself a lazy dieter, but I work out every day, stay under 2000 calories almost every day, and eat healthy foods (most of the time).

WHY do I continue to gain?

Nothing makes sense! My thyroid medication has been REDUCED because I'm supposedly "hyper" right now...so that will only make me gain more weight! (I should have been losing weight during those "hyper" months, but we all know that didn't happen)

And I will be starting some form of HRT later this week, after I talk to my doctor. That's sure to result in more of a gain.

I've cut back on my running, but I just don't know how I can avoid working out for at least 2 hours a day. That's the only time I ever feel good about my body---when I get those endorphins rushing through my system!

Last year at this time I was freaking out about seeing 106.5.

And I guarantee that I was NOT eating any better than I am now! I was also working out just as hard!

What is wrong with my body? If I could just find ONE doctor to sit down with me and help me out, I would pay ANY amount to get some answers!

I just want to be normal! My stomach is so bloated! Why can't I lose weight?

borntocry on 08/16/2006:
Hi Runner,

We are getting older, you know... maybe it's normal that it should be harder for us to lose weight now than it was in the past. A year or so ago I got my weight down to 109 lb on 1500 calories a day and maybe 6-9 miles a week. Now, I've been sticking to 1200 calories a day and running 25 miles a week, and I haven't lost any real weight (fluctuating between 115 and 118 lb). Even though I've had some bad days, I've kept track of my average calorie intake over the last five weeks and it's still under 1500. So I should have lost something, right?

I think you should cut down on the exercise and really concentrate on calorie reduction. 1300-1500 sounds good; maybe try that for a few weeks and if it doesn't work, try to get in a few 1200-calorie days as well. If you can't reduce the exercise to less than 2 hours a day, well at least stick to that limit. You're addicted to those endorphins - you need to break that addiction! Anyway it's not like you're swearing off exercise forever - you can always up it again later if this doesn't work.

As for the bloating... I know you've probably explored all avenues, and this one seems pretty obvious, but have you been tested for food allergies? If you're allergic to something like gluten, it can be hard to isolate that from your diet. It's interesting is that you never seem bloated in America. What's different about your diet at home? Fried horse beans... taro... but you probably don't have those things often enough for them to cause this bloating. What about soy?

Last thing: regarding the challenge, we are just starting the fifth week. I'd originally planned to do it for six weeks, like the first, but Brian's Girl wanted it extended to eight. However now that you have lost so much time, and Brian's Girl herself lost about a week due to illness, perhaps it would be best to keep it to six weeks and then start again. Smiley will be back from America by then too, so it will be perfect.

Oh and just one other last thing! Thanks for your comment on my half-marathon. My ultimate goal is to break the two-hour mark (don't laugh - I know how ridiculous that must sound to you)! But that would mean cutting nine minutes off my previous best time, which is a lot. So my more conservative goal is just to beat that time. I hope I can do it!

Umpqua on 08/16/2006:
I think BTC has a good point about our metabolisms changing as we get older. I know mine certainly has, and no matter how much I restrict my calories and exercise, I'm not going to have the same body I had in my teens or 20s. I also think you should cut back on exercise, or perhaps change the type of workout you're doing. I know it's difficult for you to cut back, so if you feel you must do it, maybe you could switch over to something like yoga to try to change the way your body is working and burning calories. I say it never hurts to mix things up a little bit!

WorkingIt on 08/16/2006:
Hi Runner! Here are some articles about overtraining. http://www.gssiweb.com/reflib/refs/697/HS_05.cfm


WorkingIt on 08/16/2006:
Here is an article by Duke University that I think you will find as interesting as I did. Enjoy =) http://www.dukehealth.org/tips/tip_20031104203605082

sweetpea1977 on 08/16/2006:
I agree with Umpqua and BTC said - age has a way of changing metabolism so there may not be anything you can do but experiment with different combinations of foods and exercise. I've also heard that too much exercise can cause problems as well, so that's something else you might need to re-evaluate.

GG on 08/16/2006:
Maybe the reason why you are gaining weight is because your too obsessed with counting your calories. You just need to focus on eating healthfully rather than how many calories you consume. I dont bother with the calorie count but eat healthful foods (and a lot of them) such as egg whites, salmon, flaxseed oil(i reccomend it for weight loss), and tons of veggies! Do I crave sugar or any zero-nutritional content foods? Heck no, because I spice and season the foods I eat to make them taste wonderful. Plus there are tons of healthy foods that are amazingly healthy! You should take up walking and light weight lifting. I know you already run but if you want something that calms, endorphonizes, and helps maintain/loose weight: walking is the best! That is my cardio of preference for sure!!! Good Luck and I hope your weigh plummets to what you desireee!!

borntocry on 08/17/2006:

I did some research on soy and apparently it can cause bloating, pretty serious bloating if you are allergic to it. I was just thinking that perhaps you rely more on soy-based protein bars and other products when you're at home than when you're on holiday in America, not to mention that soy is probably more present in the typical Asian diet as well. Just a thought!

Runner - Monday Aug 14, 2006
(Under 1300 calories)
Weight: 115.5

Today was the first morning that I couldn't fit into any of my pants. Somehow I was 113 on Sunday, but I'm back to 115.5 today, and I'm about 120 before bed. Most of my clothes are from when I was 105, so I'm wearing the loosest-fitting things I own, and I'm miserable.

I had a rough day yesterday...ended up eating some cookies, peanut butter, and taco salad. Also had some fried horse beans and taro bread. Bottom line: too many calories; too much fat.

I worked out for a good 3 hours, but we all know that working out isn't the answer. A complete diet overhaul is.

I am the laziest dieter around. I give in far too easily.

And I'm not getting anywhere. I just can't eat over 1300-1500 calories. I can't eat foods that are high in fat. My cholesterol is high and my weight continues to rise.

I was going to stay away from the DD's for a few days, but I can't. I need this site. I need my friends here. I need accountability, and I need to be honest about my failures.

So here I am. All 115-120 pounds of me.

I've decided to adapt some of Geevee's goals into my plan, so I'm calling my diet the "Geevee Diet." I hope she doesn't mind; I hope she's flattered. :)

I'm writing down EVERYTHING I eat again...and my husband is totally aware of all this. I keep him in the loop, that's for sure! I need his support.

New Goals:

1. 1300-1500 cal. a day - (I'll aim for 1300, but if I have a very active day, I might go up to 1500)

2. Eat only when hungry.

3. No fiestas or food festivals or all-you-can-eat buffets.

4. Portion control - specifically for "trigger" foods. I will avoid "trigger foods" as much as possible...but if I do have them, then I will keep my calories to a maximum of 100 for those foods.

5. Less than 100 calories of something "sweet" each day.

6. Pray before each meal. Eat sitting down. Never, ever eat in front of the fridge.

Today we're having a potluck at work, and I made some big lasangas and an Oreo pie, but I don't intend to have any of it. I'm really serious about getting back to 110. I want to lose 5 pounds, and I want to be able to wear my clothes again. I'm weary...I'm discouraged...but I'm also ready for a new challenge!

jolt on 08/14/2006:
Hey you :)

Your right honesty is the best policy! Being honest with yourself and being accountable are great tools to move forward on your journey. I think you know where you went wrong and you also know how to get back on track and fix it.

Dont be discouraged, be informed, and impowered!



borntocry on 08/15/2006:
Hi girl,

You and I are almost the same weight today. The good thing about your decision to come clean with us is that now you and I have the same goal weight, and almost the same starting point! (Fluctuations aside, I think I'm about 2 lb heavier than you, although it's impossible to tell exactly how much we weigh at any given time!)

I like your new goals - they sound great! So are you back in the challenge now? You could get one point for each of your goals, so you'd get a star and a bonus point for all six. What do you think? I know it's a bit late but at the end I'll average everyone's weekly points and we can see how well you did relative to those who have been doing it since the beginning.

One last thing (and I know you've heard it a million times and don't want to hear it again) - don't you think that the reason you're such a "bad dieter" could have something to do with the fact that you work out for three hours a day? Many people find that the more they work out, the hungrier they get... only for most people the extra calories they consume are offset by the extra calories they burn through working out. However in your case we already know that you aren't burning any extra calories by working out. Are those three hours really so fulfilling that you can't cut down even slightly?

(Sorry, I just had to say that! I won't mind if you don't agree - I know you don't!)

WorkingIt on 08/15/2006:
Hi Runner =) I'm glad you are venting your feelings here, with your body in a post-menopausal state, it is very normal to have the mood swings and the weight fluctuations, combined with the stress of fertility treatments, I can understand it completely. I am going through menopause right now, early menopause. All the women in my family started when they were in their 30's, and I am no exception. I will agree with BTC that exercising for 3 hours a day is a bit excessive. Working out past 2 hours doesn't really do much for you except expend all your calorie stores which triggers your body to find nourishment, quickly. And high-fat foods are exactly what it will want, not broccoli. BUT it is understandable that you are getting in extra exercise between a combo of stress, hormone disruption, and fear of gaining weight...you have gone the other way, instead of eating your problems away, you are trying to exercise them away. Unless you kick up your calories, you will never stop binging because your body cannot operate on negative calories. I have a feeling once you are on the HRT you will be able to think clearer and you'll get back on track. Mood swings are no fun, I know..I'm here lol

geevee on 08/15/2006:
"The Geevee Diet" - how cute! I hope it works better for you than it has for me lately.

geevee on 08/15/2006:
PS - I swear by flaxseed meal and sprinkle 2 Tbsp. of it on cereal. It specifically targets the LDL. Mine was something like 30 pts. lower when I had it checked last month. Whole flax seeds don't work because your body can't absorb the nutrients. They have to be ground in order to make their magic available. You can use it the same way you do wheat germ in baking or w/yogurt, in salads, etc. Give it a try if you can find it and see if it helps.

borntocry on 08/15/2006:
I think perhaps Runner cannot get flaxseed meal where she lives. Shall I send you some, Runner?

Runner - Saturday Aug 12, 2006
(Under 1300 calories)
Weight: 114.5

On a HAPPY note, our little foster boy is here for the weekend! Even though he kept me up part of the night and woke up at 5:30am this morning, I love having him around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Runner - Friday Aug 11, 2006
(Under 1300 calories)
Weight: 114.5

Well, I was terrified to come back to this site and read your comments, but I was greatly encouraged by them. Thank you to those of you who forgave me and encouraged me with your own words. I made a mistake, but I admitted it, and I now know that being honest is the only way to go. You know, people lie about a lot of things...their taxes, their age, their weight, their salary...but I rarely hear people confess that they've lied because it's just easier to live a lie. But a lie hurts everyone, and I didn't realize how much some of you would be affected by my lie. Again, I'm sorry.

I hope you all realize that the only thing I changed was my weight. All my struggles have been completely real, and just because I happen to weigh 10 pounds less than what I was reporting doesn't mean that I don't struggle! I honestly don't know how I lost those 10 pounds in 2004, but they just came off so quickly...and now they've come back on with a vengeance!

I'm sorry if some of you felt misled by me, but we've all said more than once, "The number on the scale is just that...a NUMBER." I hope that the fact that my number is different now doesn't change anything. I'm still here...trying to stay healthy, make wise food choices, and get my body back on track!

Before I ever joined DD's, I spent a couple of years at 105 pounds, but quickly gained 15 pounds during my first year of marriage. So I've had my ups and downs! Someone mentioned in a comment that I need to "come clean" with my family, but trust me...they have seen me at each weight, and I'm not trying to pull one over on them! They are actually more involved now in this process than they've ever been, mostly because I've had to be honest about the fertility measures I've gone through.

So my family knows where I'm at. The doctors know where I'm at. You know where I'm at.

If you're dying to know more, my medical tests last week show that my body is in a post-menopausal state. You know how that makes me feel? Like bawling. I've already cried enough, and I'm crying right now, as I type this entry. I'm really sorry that I lied about my weight, but I'm also sorry that I will have to be on hormone replacement therapy for the rest of my life. I'm scared, friends...and I think part of the reason I've been gaining weight so quickly (and only in my mid-section) is because my body is so low in estrogen. I'm gaining weight like a middle-aged woman would...and no amount of exercise is helping me combat that.

So...I don't know what the future holds for me. I never may be able to bear my own children, so my husband and I are pursuing adoption. I may gain another 10 pounds and there's not a whole lot I can do about it!

I'm not telling you this so you'll feel sorry for me...but I'm telling you this because I want you to know that the number on the scale only bothers me to a certain extent. What bothers me more is the fact that my body needs a lot of hormones to get it back on track. And I'm not quite sure where to begin...

Anyway, these last 2 entries have been pretty tough for me to write, so I'm going to take a little hiatus for a few days. When I come back, I'm going to map out some goals to work toward.

By the way...if it makes any of you feel better, my weight at night is usually 119.5 pounds. So if I recorded THAT weight, then I'm a whole lot closer to 124 than I am at 114.5! It's amazing how much I can fluctuate in one day.

inmorning on 08/11/2006:
Oh man, I just read your last entry. Don't worry about it at all. I realize that people have struggles both under and overweight. Sometimes I think most of us traide one eating disorder for another. Do you really think I am the posted 21 years-old? I mean, me with the 17, 16, and 12 year-old daughters. Sometimes we just need to have some privacy of our own. I am glad that you have a conscience and I am sure God will bless you for your efforts, but one thing I like about the site is the, "meet you where you're at" attitude, just as God (Christ) accepts us for who we are. I will admit sometimes I see some skinny chick (about 90 pounds) saying how fat she thinks she is and I think, "Please, make me feel worse about what a slob I am", but then I realize that when I was underweight and feeling fat and gross because society and people I loved made me feel badly about myself, I REALLY DID HATE the way I was. I wasn't putting on an act and I wasn't thinking badly about others. If anything, I saw them as beautiful and wished I could be that beautiful at my size. The last thing, I want to point out is that this is a health site that has people who are overweight, and encourages people to stay after they have hit their goal and encourage those who haven't. Please just be honest with yourself and realize it is okay to keep some things personal.

Becca27 on 08/12/2006:
I am very sorry to hear about your diagnosis. As someone who has struggled with her reproductive organs since the teen years, I know this is difficult. I was finally able to conceive, but it was not without a lot of pain and suffering along the way. These days, I, too, feel like a post-menopausal middle age woman. But, I'm much closer to real middle age than you are. The writing is on the wall!!!

Ironically, when I was a little girl, I only ever wanted to adopt. I always held the philosophy of, "I would rather love a child already here than bring one into this depraved world." Somewhere along the road I got away from that. 2 times, now, we have filled out paperwork for adoption but have backed out for many reasons. I believe there is a little child out there that God has already picked for you. She/he is waiting for your love and your world will be incredibly and wonderfully changed! I am very excited for you!

We are all the same in here. Every one of us. The numbers and the shapes may be different, but all of us wage a war inside our mind each and every day! Never let anyone patronize or belittle your concerns about weight. I think we all strive to have a healthy body image and live the best life we possibly can. Although we're all at different places in the physical spectrum, that is the same.

I am sending you a big hug and kiss! :-)

Umpqua on 08/12/2006:
Runner, I'm so sorry to hear about the test results. I think you are very brave to pursue adoption and you and your hubby are already getting some foster parenting experience. It sounds like you 2 will make wonderful parents and there are plenty of children out there who could use your help. I'm glad you're feeling a bit better about all of this now!

superstarr on 08/12/2006:
RUNNER OMG girlfriend. I go MIA for a few months and look what happens!! Sweetie I'm sooooo sorry for everything you are/have gone through! We don't care how much you weigh!! I don't care if you weigh 60 or 600 pounds! Everyone has their own struggles regardless! And I'm really sorry to hear about the fertility tests. I can only imagine the devistation that brings. But, you and your husband WILL adopt a beautiful child who needs a warm loving home and you guys will the best parents ever! I feel as though I've know you for years Runner and I want you to know that you are in my thoughts always. Even if I don't check in all the time. You need to hang in there and just focus on being healthy =D xoxo Superstarr

Runner - Thursday Aug 10, 2006
(Under 1300 calories)
Weight: 114.5

Today, I am 114.5 pounds.

I know some of you are looking at that number and thinking, "She lost 10 pounds!" But, no, I didn't lose 10 pounds. I have a big confession to make. I have been lying about my weight. For the last 2 years or so, I've reported my weight as 5 to 10 pounds higher than I really am. I can't quite remember when this started...sometime back in 2004, when I lost about 15 pounds in one year. At first, I started recording my weight as 5 pounds heavier than I really was, and then when I slipped under 110 pounds, I changed it 10 pounds heavier than I really was.

That means I maintained 103 pounds for over a year, not 113 pounds.

But I HAVE gained 10 pounds in the last year, because I've gone from 103 to 114.5.

Why did I lie about my weight? Because I was afraid to say that I weighed less than 110 pounds. I was afraid of rejection...of not being taken seriously. I was afraid that people would think I didn't deserve to be on the DD's...I was afraid people would feel intimidated by my low weight.

I loved being 103 pounds, even though I knew that I was too skinny. And I got so used to reporting my weight as 10 pounds higher than it actually was that I ignored the fact that I was lying to my good friends here. It just became a habit, and honestly, I often felt like I was at least 10 pounds heavier than what was actually on the scale.

I won't be surprised if some of you are upset with me. Lying is wrong, and I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. I'm a Christian, and this is a terrible testimony to my faith. I'm ashamed of myself.

Please forgive me. I should have never felt intimidated to record my real weight. I have been on the DD's for several years and have felt so much support on this site; I've rarely had a negative comment from anyone. And please know that I've never lied about anything else in my entries...I've been brutally honest at times about my struggles and medical situations and about what I've eaten. Everything else I've written is completely true.

I was once 152 pounds, and I've also been 100.5 pounds. For the last 9 years, my weight has been a big issue in my life. I've been obsessed with it, and I'm praying that I will find total freedom from this compulsion with a certain number on the scale.

You know, even at 114.5, I still feel "fat." I know some of you may not understand this, but there's a BIG difference between 103 and 114.5 on my body. And the bottom line is that I've gained 10 pounds since September. At night, I can go up to 119.5, which makes me feel even heavier.

My goal isn't to get back to 103. I know that those days are over. I was able to maintain that for a year and a half, but I can't do it anymore. I think a comfortable weight for me is about 110. At 110, I still feel confident, thin, and healthy.

I'm not skinny anymore; I'm fit and trim, but I'm not skinny. I have fat rolls on my stomach and my butt has gained a good 5 pounds. My husband even admits that I've gained hips! My goal isn't to be skinny, but I would like to lose 5 pounds.

So...I'm extremely nervous to post this entry, but I can't live a lie anymore. Again, I'm sorry that I didn't post my real weight for the last 2 years. I checked my old entries, and I can't pin down the day when I decided, "I'm going to add 5 pounds to my weight." But it was probably sometime in the Spring of 2004...because I really started to lose weight after that point, and I lost a few more pounds when I went to China.

Anyway...I hope none of you hold this against me, and I hope I can start with a clean slate. I'm sorry.


smiley2 on 08/11/2006:
Hi Runner,

Thanks for being honest with us....i must say im kinda relieved that youre not 124, its like wow then you really didnt have anything to worry about. Now i have nobody to "compare" myself with anymore when i leave for the States tonight LOL!

I know we are all on here to reach our own goal weights, whatever they may be, but if you are becoming to skinny BMI wise, you are risking your health and you may need to seek professional help, to make your realize the truth.

You certainly fooled us for quite a while ;) But thanks for coming clean...better late than never hehe

borntocry on 08/11/2006:
Hmm, well, a lot of things make sense now. I have to admit, I am a little upset because you and I are the same height, so knowing how I feel when my weight goes over 120 lb, I felt bad for you and worried about you, and now I see that I didn't really need to. I also feel embarrassed because all the while I was feeling sorry for you because of the weight you had gained, you weighed less than me.

Well, I guess you already see that you didn't have to lie - after all there are people on this website who weigh as little as 95 lb, and I think everyone understands the desire to maintain one's weight and avoid gaining. But it's going to be hard to get used to you complaining about being 114 lb when for so long you complained about being 124 lb! It still seems like you've lost 10 lb overnight, even though I know you haven't!

It would have been so much easier if you had just told the truth to begin with! Bad Runner, bad! No, it's all right... of course I forgive you!

Becca27 on 08/11/2006:
Hi Runner,

We all just want you to be healthy. Thank you for your honesty!

This site is supposed to be a place where we can all come and be completely "naked" and "anonymous" about what is true regarding ourselves. BUT, the truth is, connections are made, friendships born, and we all start caring about each other and about what others will think of us if they know the truth.

I found, in the past, that I stopped being completely candid here because of what others would think - that is one reason I walked away for so long. It seemed to completely defeat the purpose. I was / am ashamed that I can't lose the weight I want to lose at the rate that I commit to losing it.

Just yesterday, I decided not to post at all because I couldn't face admitting to a "2" day when I proudly stated I was going to have a stellar week!

When I or You or Anyone lies in here, we are really just lying to ourselves! I am truly humbled by your honesty and candidness, now. It speaks VOLUMES that you have taken this step and shows a tremendous amount of courage. Thanks for trusting us with the truth!

I will forgive you if you forgive yourself! Let he/she who is without sin cast the first stone!

Be healthy and be honest with yourself!! If it feels better for you, post your weight at 0.0.

So, while you were away, you didn't gain any weight!!!! Good job! That's quite an accomplishment on a trip to America!

Have a good day, dear!

sweetpea1977 on 08/11/2006:
Wow, Im a little shocked but at the same time I can understand. You see, I used to lie about my weight ALL the time. I was SO ashamed that I weighed so much more than my athletic friends from high school and college. Like you, I made it a realistic number so nobody doubted me. It even came to the point of me believing my lies. To be completely honest I think believing my lies was the main reason why I was so shocked to see my highest weight of 208lbs.

But the lying didnt stop there. The only time I was able to tell the truth about my weight was on here, mainly because you guys were strangers to me (at the time!) and I had no reason to lie. BUT, there was no way in hell I was going to tell my dad that I weighed MORE than him. How depressing is that-to weigh more than your 6ft tall, 190 pound father? I was so ashamed!!

The very last time I lied about my weight was when I renewed my driver's license after I got married last year. Currently, it says I weigh 150, but I was actually somewhere around 158-160 (right after my honeymoon). I guess I thought that 8-10 pounds wouldnt make a difference. Boy was I wrong, because when I reached my goal of 150, I realized I looked NOTHING like my driver's license pic! So now, Im stuck with a crappy picture set at a fake weight.

Soon after that mistake, I admitted the truth about my starting weight to my parents. Immediately, I felt so much better not having to be vague about my weightloss anymore. Oh, and my dad actually felt even more proud of his daughter knowing her true battles and eventual victory.

Anyway, Im not really worried about you lying to us because your true friends will forgive you. Its the constant lying to yourself that you put yourself through for over 2 years that concerns me. Thankfully, you have just taken the first step to making things better. Telling the truth will always set a person free.

And yes, my dear friend, I forgive you. :o)

Love, Jenny

WorkingIt on 08/11/2006:
Hi Runner, I am the new-kid and don't 'know' all of you as well as you all know each other. But I do know about how you are feeling with regard to your weight. You are feeling exactly how all of us would feel if we gained 10lbs when we were happy at a previous weight. Just because your 10lbs puts you at 114 and mine would put me at 188, doesn't mean that I am entitled to stress out more than you or that you should be 'thankful' that you 'only' weigh 114lbs. I have an aunt who is anorexic and weighs 90lbs soaking wet at 5 foot tall. And I have an aunt who has lost/gained weight using a wide variety of methods, including surgery which went horribly wrong. Both of them are weight obsessed, and one is not more entitled to it than the other. OCD runs in our family and I have a tendancy to also be hyper-focused on losing weight and it has taken Herculean effort for me to re-direct my focus from the number on the scale, to the fact that I am building a better body that will last me until I draw my last breath. And that with every day that I eat the appropriate/good foods, and exercise, that it is a positive, even if the scale doesn't register a loss. But we ALL get frustrated with different things with our bodies. Don't beat yourself up. If you have issues with obsession, you are aware of it and you are working on it. And you should know that there is help available and your doctor is a good place to start, at least get feedback on your health without the focus on your weight. You will be fine, you are doing the biggest thing by putting in words what you feel. That alone will give you strength. I wish you the very best.

Umpqua on 08/11/2006:
Don't you feel so much better now? That's very brave of you to admit this to all of us after 2 years. I'm shocked but I can understand why you felt you had to do it. We all have our very own personal struggles with weight gain and loss and it's not really anyone's place to judge - unless the person is getting into dangerous territory. I think Becca hit the nail on the head when she said that anyone who lies in here is ultimately lying to themselves. That's something you should probably examine...why you felt you would be judged so harshly for admitting the truth and where that fear is really coming from.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know I do understand. When I tell people how much weight I lost (prior to pregnancy obviously) they look at me in disbelief. And I really don't think most people believe me. I've even had friends say to me - no, you weren't 50 pounds heavier before, I saw you. But I know what my scale said, and I also know that it was 5-10 pounds less than the doctor's scale at that time! Ultimately though, it doesn't matter who believes me. I know what I accomplished and that's what is fueling me on now, when I'm faced with a different kind of weight gain challenge. I KNOW I can lose the weight again and I WILL. You should be proud of what you've accomplished over the years and not care what anyone else thinks of it!

borntocry on 08/11/2006:
Wow, that was a nice comment WorkingIt left you. Anyway, I've been thinking about your little announcement all day (well, it was kind of a bombshell!) and after the initial shock wore off, I think I can understand why you did what you did. After all, when I first joined this website I weighed 124 lb, and you supposedly weighed 114 lb, and I remember feeling a little intimidated by you. I avoided your entries for a long while, because I was afraid that they would make me feel worse about myself. But honestly, the most intimidating part was the fact that you had named yourself "Runner"! I never got any exercise at the time and could not even imagine running for a bus, let alone doing it regularly enough to call myself a "runner"!

geevee on 08/11/2006:
There have been many times when I couldn't face reality and wouldn't make an entry. But then I realized I was only fooling myself. It didn't make any sense to stay on DD's if I wasn't going to be honest with myself.

I guess I understand why you did what you did, but can't comprehend the mental toll it must have taken on you! I'm still in shock over your surprise announcement. I'm glad you made the decision "to come clean". You ought to be feeling a lot better already.

biscottibody59 on 08/11/2006:
Unfortunately I don't understand and I feel really bad for the likes of BTC, Umpqua, PrincessTeacup, GeeVee, GG, and the others who have used you as a bellwether for their ups and downs to the point of comparing their progress with yours. I never did that because I can't run 6 miles a day--I can't even jog 6 miles a day. We all have our hang-ups, crosses, quirks and downright obsessions, so please don't get me wrong--we're all human.

I hope you've come clean with your loved ones and they will encourage you to seek the help you need. Don't put it off. I never once thought it was healthy for you to weigh what you did and then we find it's off. Of course, to be fair I don't feel all that healthy at my weight either.

I'm shocked. I've never really been shocked by website crap, but we've all followed you and thought you were being honest. Maybe you should just start fresh with a new name and new diary. Make it yours--don't do it for anyone else's benefit. I've thought of fudging my stuff along the way, but I've always been very selfish about this and knew it would come back to haunt ME--not someone who read me.

Sorry for venting, but I really cared about your welfare and the trying to get pregnant and all. Take care and I wish you all the best in life!

Runner - Thursday Aug 10, 2006
(Under 1300 calories)
Weight: 124.0

still haven't weighed myself.

I'm such a chicken!

...will do it tomorrow...I promise!

Becca27 on 08/10/2006:
You are too cute! Whatever the outcome - It will be OK! :-)

liza36 on 08/10/2006:
Welcome back. I know all too well the reluctance to get on the scale after being away from it for awhile. I wouldn't worry too much. I would just focus on the lovely memories of your trip, and whatever the number on the scale, get back to your routine. Good luck!

Umpqua on 08/10/2006:
Welcome back Runner, and I'm sure you'll be right back on track in no time!

sweetpea1977 on 08/10/2006:

geevee on 08/10/2006:
I know the feeling of dread you have. Just be sure there are none of your trigger foods in the house the day you finally decide to get on the scale. And for Heaven's sake, DON'T bake that day!

We've all been in the same position so you know you can count on all the support in the world on DD's. GO! Runner!

Runner - Wednesday Aug 09, 2006
(Under 1300 calories)
Weight: 124.0

I'm back! Back in Asia...after 17 hours in the friendly skies. I'm a bit jet-lagged, but it's not too bad, and I actually had a very pleasant experience with the airplane food. Usually I prefer to fly Asian airlines because the service and food is always better, but I was impressed with Northwest's vegetarian selection. The chickpea curry was quite tasty!

Anyway, I didn't weigh myself this morning because I haven't gotten up the courage to do it yet. I will tomorrow, though. I can hear Geevee saying, "Just do it, Runner!" :)

I need to come up with some new goals and something to work toward. I am serious about getting back on track, and I've been doing well today...eating mostly fruits and veggies and some lean protein. I'm really trying to stay away from sugar, because I had far too much in the last couple of weeks!

Now I need to try to get caught up on YOUR entries...I've missed you guys!

borntocry on 08/09/2006:
Runner! You're back! Yay!

smiley2 on 08/09/2006:
Welcome to the land of da skinny lol!

Becca27 on 08/09/2006:
Welcome home! I hope you had a great trip, but I'm sure you are excited to get back into a normal routine. Your plan to detox from sugar sounds like a good one!

sweetpea1977 on 08/09/2006:
Yay, Runner's home!! I hope you had fun!! :o)

Runner - Friday Aug 04, 2006
(Under 1300 calories)
Weight: 124.0

Hi, friends!

Well, I've made it through my last week in America...only 2 more full days before I get back on the plane. I've had a great week, but I have NOT been careful around food. It seems like each meal always presents itself with new temptations...and I'm definitely ready to get back to my normal schedule! My parents tend to be very rigid with mealtimes and things like that...so we eat whether I'm hungry or not! It's not worth fighting about. I'm only home once a year, and the last thing I want to do is argue about mealtimes. But I'm never hungry at 5:15pm, which is when they eat dinner, so I hate it that I have to eat anyway, and I always end up eating more than I want, even though I'm not hungry!!!!

Anyway...I've also had quite a few tests run on me, and my original report that my thyroid is fine has been replaced with a report that it's NOT fine...so I'm waiting to hear back from the doctor about changing my medication.

I'm also wearing a 48-hour heart monitor right now and had another EKG done at the hospital yesterday. My heart rate is about 40 bpm, which made the nurses exclaim, "I wish I had your heart!" Everywhere I go, people look at me and think I'm the picture of good health, but I often wish I would never have been so obsessive about running.

Tomorrow I'm going to a wedding, and instead of having a reception, the bride and groom are having a dessert buffet. Heaven help me! I'm going to have to use some strategies to keep myself from going overboard. Better have the toothpaste in my purse so I can brush my teeth if I need to stop eating!

Okay...that's the update here! I can't wait to start something of a "challenge" when I get back. It seems like you're all losing weight, and I'm only getting fatter! This has GOT to change!

Soon2BThin on 08/04/2006:
Hey, glad you're having a good time! About the heart rate--I had a neuro-surgeon tell me once that if your blood pressure goes too low, and there is such a thing, according to him, your brain is not getting the blood it needs. So I wonder if this applies to the low heart rate too. Yours seems awfully low to me but that is probably because you're such a runner. Something you might ask them about. I wore a 24 hour monitor a couple of times and my heart never did the thing that I was complaining about so it took the doc a long time to figure out what the problem was. Finally he said when it happens, come right into the office and he'd see me right away so he could check it. Good doctor. Thus, he put me on some high blood pressure meds to correct the irregular beat and I've been taking it ever since. Of course, now I need it for high blood pressure, heh. Go figure. Anyways.....have fun at the wedding and that's a great idea about the toothpaste, good for your teeth too!

Sweetpea1977 on 08/05/2006:
Im so glad that you got some heart tests done. Hopefully, you'll get some answers soon. And Im glad that someone found something wrong with your thyroid. Hopefully, the new dosage of medication will help see a drop on the scale.

In the meantime, enjoy your last two days in the States. Good luck at the dessert buffet!

borntocry on 08/05/2006:
Hey babe! I'm glad you're getting your thyroid medication changed, because a lot of your problems sound EXACTLY like hypothyroidism. I think you will see a great improvement once you get your medication adjusted. You know, that could also be the cause of your chest pains? I've heard it can cause palpitations and so forth. Hopefully the new medication will take care of it.

You know, I think athletes, and runners in particular, seem to be more attuned to their bodies and hence more aware of symptoms which other people might not notice. So maybe we end up worrying a little too much about our health. I'm sure those nurses are right and you <i>are</i> actually much healthier than most people. Hopefully the EKG and heart rate monitor results will show it. Good luck and enjoy your last couple of days in America!

smiley2 on 08/06/2006:
Hi there Runner,

Well it could be that your thyriod was the problem that caused your frustration over the past few weeks! I think that as soon as you change your meds that you will see a change.

Im glad you went for the EKG as well, at least you know now that your heart is fine...well superb lol hehe!!

I hope you enjoy the rest of your trip, im leaving for the States on the 11th...wish me luck as you wave me goodbye to the land of piggydom heheheheh!

And a dessert buffet at a wedding???? Eat a lot of healthy stuff beforehand and drink lots of water.....dont starve yourself until the buffet....it will backfire! But do allow yourself small bites of things you like...if not....just eat up...its your last days there and like you said you are only home once a year lol!

Fly safe.


inmorning on 08/07/2006:
I remember working cardio and having people who were in good shape from working out with low heart rates like that. You do a double take when you see it. I hope you have a great rest of your vacation.

Runner - Monday Jul 31, 2006
(Under 1300 calories)
Weight: 124.0

HI, friends! I am really discouraged right now. It seems like all I've done the last couple of days is EAT, and I am also worried about my heart and my body. I went to my endocrinologist today, and even though my thyroid seems to be fine, my estrogen levels are way off...and I need to start some form of HRT. I've also been having more pain in my chest, and I'm just worried that something is wrong with my heart. There's a significant correlation between pre-menopausal women with low estrogen levels and coronary disease. My parents think I'm overexaggerating about it, but I know I'm not. Really, I'm scared. I'm trying not to run and am just jogging a big and walking, but I know I'm gaining weight and I hate it.

I weighed myself 2 times today---at the doctor's office and on a scale in the mall. I had my clothes on (no shoes), and both scales said 128. That's terrible. I'm so discouraged. I'm trying to eat healthily, but it's just SO HARD when I'm visiting people and eating meals out.

I wish I had time to comment and read all your entries, but I have to go...I hope I feel better tomorrow!~

smiley2 on 08/01/2006:
Hi there Runner,

Sorry to hear that your vacation is turning into a bit of a depressing episode for you. I think you should focus on spending the last few days with your family and friends and enjoying their company. I know its much easier said than done...but you can at least try :) And is there no way you can go for a EKG test of some sort to determine if there is indeed a problem with your heart? They check heart rhythms for irregularities etc and can usually pick something up. I went for one a few days back and its a quick procedure, just to put your mind at ease.....

And on a lighter note...you only have a few days left of enjoying all those glorious foods, so dont waste it lol :)

borntocry on 08/01/2006:
Hi Runner,

I am also sorry to see that you are so depressed on holiday. My last trip to America was kind of depressing also, and it's a pity because we don't get to go that often. My advice to you would be to try to enjoy the few days you have left there. You can't do that much damage in these few days. Once you get back from your trip, we can work on getting rid of those extra pounds. You can do it even if you aren't running. I think you would be surprised to see how much weight you can lose without exercise. In fact, all my most dramatic weight losses have been without exercise, including one time I got down to 86 lb! So don't think that you can't lose weight without exercise. Of course for most people, this isn't the ideal way to lose weight, but your situation is different. You need a break. You train at the level of a professional athlete, only no professional athlete trains all year round like this.

If you really are worried about your heart, you can get a chest X-ray, an EKG, and a blood test done to check for pulmonary embolism. But I agree with your parents - I think you are stressing yourself out for nothing. Chest pain is very rarely associated with actual heart disease, believe it or not.

sweetpea1977 on 08/01/2006:

I definitely recommend getting a chest x-ray and EKG done. It might be a heart problem or it might be nothing at all, but this is something you need to figure out.

The reason why I say this is because I was dealing with horrible chest pains two weeks ago. I thought I was having heart troubles (heart attack!!), so my husband rushed me to the ER. They did all kinds of tests and found that I was just having an anxiety attack (which can often be confused with heart attack symptoms). So, they basically told me to take Xanax on an as needed basis.

I havent had another episode like that one since. However, if I start to worry or stress about something, I can feel some pain building up in my chest. So, I immediately stop what Im doing and do some deep breathing exercises and the pains alliviate and I feel relaxed again. I've also decided if the anxiety gets out of control, I will start seeing a pyschologist to help me control it.

If you wanna know more about my ordeal, just read my entry from last week.

Anyway, please try your best to get those examinations done. Dont worry about what your family thinks. You know your body best, so if something isnt right, just follow your instincts and do what you feel is right.

Do try to enjoy your last few days here. You only get to spend time here once a year, so make every moment count!


WorkingIt on 08/01/2006:
Pulled chest muscles, gas bubbles, stress, poor posture, forgetting to stretch, GERD, and some kinds of food, can all cause chest pain. And the more you worry about it, the more stress you build up, and the more your chest hurts. I agree with the other ladies, put your mind at ease and go have an EKG..and enjoy the rest of your vacation =)

Umpqua on 08/01/2006:
I'm glad you are staying on top of your health issues. With everything I've read here lately and what I've been going through with my beloved cat, I've realized you can't be too safe when it comes to your health. I'm sorry you're bummed out on your vacation, there are just so many temptations here in the States. I'm sure you'll get back to losing once you get on your normal schedule again so try not to worry too much and enjoy all the good eats while you have access to them!

geevee on 08/01/2006:
A correct diagnosis is not as easy as it sounds. So often doctors are mistaken. Even EKGs aren't foolproof. A friend of mine had had one and it came out normal. He left the doctor's office, went to his car and then died of a massive heart attack!After listening to all my ex's tales of woe about his heart and connected problems, sometimes only specialized tests reveal what the basic problem is, so I hope your doctor is a good diagnostician and can figure out what your problem is.

As I told BTC last year when she used to weigh at the pharmacy before she bought a scale, I just couldn't imagine weighing in public fully dressed! Even now that I'm almost 40lbs. lighter than when I started, I still don't feel light enough to do it, so I know the courage it took to get on that scale in public!

Enjoy every bit of ice cream you can while you're here. Try "Dreamery" if they sell it where you are. It comes in either pint or half pint containers. It's really rich and so good!

borntocry on 08/02/2006:
Don't let geevee's tale of horror freak you out, though. She's always the voice of doom. On my very first entry here she left me a comment saying that I might have cancer!

Runner - Saturday Jul 29, 2006
(Under 1300 calories)
Weight: 124.0

Hello again! I finally have computer access, although it's SLOOOOOOW. But I'll try to stick it out and get caught up on some entries later today!

I've had a good week overall... with lots of good ice cream, my main indulgence! But I think I've been better with my portion control this year. A small bowl usually satisfies me.

I have weighed myself on 2 scales and I was 127 on one and 121 on the other. Hmmmmm....that's a big difference! If I am somewhere in the middle, I'll be happy with that!

I've enjoyed running in the clean air here, but I do notice that my body gets fatigued easier...and my heart still beats quite rapidly at night. I know that I need a good month or so break from running, but it's hard to think about that when I haven't lost a pound in a couple of months! After I get back from the U.S., I think I'm going to have a couple of weeks where I "detox" a bit...I need some low-calorie days, that's for sure!

One thing I've noticed is that I don't feel "fat" when I'm here...maybe it's because a lot of my friends weigh more than I do! But I sure feel heavy in Asia. Those Chinese women are so tiny...so I feel quite large around them! But I feel smaller here in America, so that's nice for a change!

geevee on 07/29/2006:
You are SO right about how tiny Chinese women are. A size 8 must be the largest available, with most women a size 2!

I'll never forget how mortified I was in Shanghai when I asked a clerk if she had pants in my size. This was long before DD's when I was at my fattest - 173! She pointed at me, spoke in Chinese to another clerk and then they both were hysterical!

BTW, do try the new ice cream that Edy's, Breyers and Haagen-Daz is offering, "slow churned". It's really taking off in popularity because it has far fewer calories yet is almost as good as "the real" stuff. The carton I looked at had 110cal per half cup vs. 290 for full fat. I'm going to try it after hurricane season. Right now I'm trying to use up everything in it, anticipating another power outtage.

I'm so glad you're back! I've really missed your entries. Enjoy all the wonderful goodies you can't get in China.

borntocry on 07/29/2006:
I think you are suffering from overtraining. Go on a juice fast when you get back from America. You will detox and lose weight, and you will be forced to take a break from running because you can't run while fasting (although knowing you, you would probably like to try!).

becca27 on 07/29/2006:
I even notice a weight difference in west coast vs. east coast. When we were in San Fran and Yosemite, I thought everyone looked fit and thin. As soon as we landed in Philadelphia, everyone got 50 lbs heavier. I'm glad you're feeling good and I hope that you're having a terrific time - you seem happy!!

becca27 on 07/29/2006:
P.S. - stop weighing yourself on strange scales!

inmorning on 07/29/2006:
I agree, stop weighing yourself on strange scales! You are getting as OCD as I am. You don't want to end up like me do you ;~P

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