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Runner - Sunday Feb 26, 2006
(Under 1400 calories)
Weight: 121.5

I made it through the party without eating too much...I was able to keep busy making sure everyone else was well-fed, and thankfully there were very few leftovers! I was rewarded by seeing 121 on Sunday, but I didn't fare as well at church, where we had probably the best store-bought cake I've ever had here. It tasted just like wedding cake! I'm embarrassed to say that I ate 3 big pieces. (not in front of everyone, of course...I was working in the kitchen, which made it easier to pig out!) I hate it when I resort to that kind of behavior, though. It makes me feel sneaky and deceptive.

Today isn't going to be any easier, with a big meal out tonight, but I'm trying to keep my calories low all day.

I was able to jog for a total of about 15 minutes today, although each step was painful. And that 15 minutes wasn't consecutive...it was like "jog one minute, walk one minute." And I was out-of-breath and felt so OLD. It was a completely foreign feeling.

Just 3 weeks ago, I was running 10 km a day without feeling winded. Now I can barely run for 15 minutes, due to my injury. But I also think I'm quickly becoming "out-of-shape."

I had acupuncture twice this weekend for my sore muscle. I think it helped a little...the deep muscle massage was nice, too. Acupuncture definitely wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I guess after all those fertility injections, getting poked with a small needle is nothing!

borntocry on 02/27/2006:
Hi Runner,

Well done at the party! What lovely stuff did you make?

I can well relate to your embarrassment about the cake, though, as I pretty much did the same thing last week at work, when I waited until everyone else had gone home to sneak a couple of leftover pastries from breakfast into my office and devour them in private! I hate to feel like this is what I've been reduced to - a closet eater.

Thanks for the comment you left me. Maybe you're right about the high-calorie day boosting my metabolism. Or could it be because it's my time of the month that my weight is down? So many questions, so few answers...!

And thanks for your advice on the running. I've only been running three times a week as it is, believe it or not, so I wasn't planning on running at all the day before the race. I used to run four times a week but my training program cut that down to three times (but with the same mileage - basically combining my Saturday and Sunday runs into one long run).

On the subject of running, maybe you should wait a while longer if you're still in so much pain. I doubt you're actually becoming out of shape. I had to take several weeks off running a year ago, and I hadn't even been running that long so was convinced that I would be totally out of shape afterwards, and yet I was surprised to find that I had lost barely anything at all. Once your injury is healed you'll be back to your 10 km in no time, you'll see!

Umpqua on 02/27/2006:
Hi Runner, great job facing the many temptations of the weekend. I'm glad your sore muscle is feeling somewhat better, but don't push yourself with the running. You'll be get back to it in no time and you don't want to risk injuring yourself further in the meantime!

sweetpea1977 on 02/28/2006:
I dont blame you for eating so much good tasting cake! The last good stuff I had was my wedding cake!! My step-mom was kind enough to save us 6 huge pieces of it for our trip back to Atlanta. It took everything in my power not to eat it all in one sitting! In addition to that, we froze the top layer of our cake to eat on our our 1 year anniversary. Its a chocolate cake with raspberry filling and white buttercream frosting!! :o) Anyway, you dont eat very tasty cake very often so I hope you enjoyed the secret splurge. :o)

One last thing - I know you miss running terribly, but you need to let the injury heal before you attempt to run again. You could injure it worse, which may put you at risk of never being able to run again.

Runner - Thursday Feb 23, 2006
(Under 1400 calories)
Weight: 121.5

My husband's 30th birthday is tomorrow and I'm throwing a huge party for him, which will involve a lot of cooking. I'll probably be limping around at the party due to my injury, but I'm still looking forward to it. If I can make it through the weekend without seeing 122, I'll consider it a success!

borntocry on 02/24/2006:
Hi Runner,

Good luck with the cooking! Be sure not to do any baking on an empty stomach - you know how dangerous that can be. I hope the party goes well!

Soon2BThin on 02/24/2006:
I really hope that you can get back to running soon. You are such an inspiration to all of us with your dedication. Keep your mind on the reason you are doing all this, an adorable, sweet, little baby. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. Have a great weekend!

Runner - Thursday Feb 23, 2006
(Under 1400 calories)
Weight: 121.0

Thankfully, thankfully, I'm holding to 121 right now, even though I've had two days where I know I've had more calories than I needed. It's so hard to keep my calories low when I eat out, so if I hadn't had several big temptations I didn't completely refuse, I would probably see 120 by now. But, I won't complain. I feel much better at 121 than at 123. (Can you believe I used to panic when I hit 116? Those were the days!) But, honestly, I'm afraid that I'm resorting to laziness in my eating habits, as it seems to be so hard to really lose a pound. Plus, my workouts have been less strenuous, so I know I'm not burning as many calories. And I have less of an appetite, so it takes REAL DISCIPLINE not to eat as much at meals since I'm not as hungry.

I really wish I could just fast for 5 days and get back to where I want to be. Of course, I know better than to try that, and I know I'd never make it past the first day!

I had some real moments of jealousy today as I picked up my friend's race registration form for her. She's running in a 10km race that I would have run in this weekend, except that I can't run right now and don't want to do any races until I find out whether I'm pregnant or not. I encouraged this friend to try the race, even though she's not much of a runner and doesn't like to run if she doesn't have to. (She's also stick-thin and never watches what she eats...lucky girl!)

Anyway, I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw how great her race shirt is! First of all, it's a tanktop, which is fantastic, as I hate running in T-shirts. Secondly, it's made from the dri-fit material, so it's perfect for hot weather! And thirdly, it's the Adidas brand, so it's really cool-looking! I must admit, I've run in countless races and never have I received such a great tanktop. Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever gotten a tank top! Usually, it's a cotton T-shirt that's either 3 sizes too big or 2 sizes too small.

So...when I brought my friend the shirt and her racing packet, she started bragging to everyone in the office about how she's running in this race. And I almost started crying, because I feel like I am no longer the RUNNER around here! I'm seriously having an identity crisis. After 7 years of running with hardly a day off, I don't know how to cope now that I'm sidelined. And it's so hard to see my other people get all excited about running, knowing that they are able to put one foot in front of the other without pain. Trust me, if I could run through this injury, I would. I have never let an injury slow me down more than one day. I've run through shin splints, pulled muscles, foot injuries, sicknesses, etc.

Anyway, the only runner I can honestly be happy for right now is my friend, BTC, because she has worked SO HARD to get to this point, and I am very excited that she is going to run a half-marathon in a couple of weeks. So don't worry, BTC...my jealous feelings don't extend to you! :) Unlike my other friend who only runs when other people are cheering her on, you have devoted so much time and energy to your training that you have my full support!

borntocry on 02/23/2006:
Oh Runner, don't make me cry! Why would you ever feel like you're no longer the Runner around here?! You're the expert - the guru - the ULTIMATE Runner and you always will be! If it weren't for you, neither your friend at work nor I would ever have thought to participate in a race! We owe it all to you, and to your kindness and generosity when it came to sharing your passion for running with us. I think about that every time I go running and I'm sure your friend does too. I'm sure she looks up to you and worships you just like I do!

And honestly, don't you think you are exaggerating your current situation a little? I understand how hard it must be for you to endure this enforced rest but if this is the first time you've had to do this in seven years, you've been lucky! I'm always so terrified of falling down and breaking a leg or suffering some other injury which could put me out of action for weeks or months at a stretch. Not only that, but there's also always the possibility of developing a chronic joint problem which could totally put an end to our running days forever. Aside from this torn muscle of yours, which will surely heal soon, you seem to be in great physical condition and I see no reason why you shouldn't go on running and racing for many years to come!

I think you're probably just suffering from a little endorphin-withdrawal at the moment and that's what's making you so teary and emotional. I'm sure all the recent hormone treatments and medical procedures haven't helped much either! In a week or so your injury will probably be healing and you'll be in much better spirits, you'll see!

Runner - Monday Feb 20, 2006
(Under 1400 calories)
Weight: 121.0

I am very relieved to see 121.

Oh, yeah...and I'm relieved that the IUI is over, too! :)

It was painful for me, like every Pap smear and procedure has ever been, but I just gripped the side of the hospital bed until my knuckles turned white, and thankfully it was over in 5 minutes!

Now the waiting begins...and I'm trying very hard not to get my hopes up! My chances are slim, so I'm not thinking too much about it.

Meanwhile, I'm still in pain from my shot/ torn muscle. I'm convinced now that I somehow tore a muscle in my butt after the shot...because I went running the next morning and haven't been running since. I think the shot inflamed the muscle, making it easier to tear.

It's really hard not to run. I miss the endorpins and "runner's high." But on a good note, my eating has been better and I'm finally seeing the scale drop A LITTLE! Maybe it's because I'm no longer taking fertility shots.

I have a meal out tonight at a Chinese lady's house. I've been warned that she's preparing a TON of food. Oh, dear. At least there will be a lot of people there, so maybe I can get away with not eating too much and not having anyone notice...

Umpqua on 02/20/2006:
Omigosh - first, I'm glad to hear that you've been through the procedure and came out OK. I haven't been through IUI, so I'm sorry if I lead you to believe that! I have been though insertion of an IUD, and let me tell you, it hurt like nothing else I've experienced in my life. I figure it's a similar process, but what do I know? I just got the IUD out so I can go about getting pregnant, and that wasn't nearly as painful as the insertion. Anyhow, I hope you're doing OK after all of that!

borntocry on 02/21/2006:
Hi Runner,

Well! I'm relieved to know that your procedure didn't go too badly. I was expecting even worse!

I think you must be right about having torn a muscle. I can't imagine you could be in this much pain for so long after an injection. As I've mentioned before, I had a pretty severe reaction to an injection once and even that only lasted two or three days. This seems like something more serious. But hopefully it will heal soon. I'm sure you'll be fine in a week or so.

Thanks for the comment you left me. I like your suggestion about the nachos. I'm wondering if there's some way I can get my husband to prepare them with chips on one side for him and pretzels or veggies on one side for me. I don't even really like tortilla chips so I don't see why I should have to pile on the calories for them.

And you're right, it is pretty amazing how I've been able to keep my weight-loss struggles from my husband for so long! It's been easier since we moved into our new place because without a proper kitchen, we've each been fixing our own meals and snacks so he doesn't really notice what I'm eating. And he doesn't realise I've lost weight - he thinks I'm just "firming up" from all the running! I guess it's because he maintains his weight through exercise alone, so he assumes we girls can do the same. He comes from a very fat-phobic family and constantly criticises fat people for being unable to "just go out and exercise and quit stuffing their faces". He doesn't realise that his ability to eat whatever he likes without gaining weight is partly, if not mostly, due to his height and his naturally slim build. Other people can't just play a couple of hours of basketball and then go home and eat a tub of chicken wings, a large pizza loaded with meat and cheese, half a pint of Haagen-Dasz and two litres of pop without facing the consequences!

sweetpea1977 on 02/21/2006:
Im glad you survived the IUI. Im sure the hardest part will be the waiting, so Im glad to hear that you wont be thinking about it too much.

Im sorry that your sore muscle is still bothering you to such a great extent! I've never torn a muscle (not that I know if!), but I imagine that it hurts like hell. Take it easy, ok?

Keep up the good eating habits!

geevee on 02/22/2006:
How are you doing Runner? I'm sorry to be so late in responding to your entry on Monday, but I was at a loss for something to say since I've never been in a situation like yours. You've been on my mind.

However, I got a much better idea yesterday when I saw a movie on the Indie channel, "Never Say Never". It's about a movie star who wants to have a child and all she goes through in her marriage and fertility treatments in trying to have one. There's A LOT to going through what you are. This movie covered all the bases: the effect of the hormones, the discomfort of the procedures, the reluctance of her husband and how their personal relationship was affected by taking her temperature, discussing their private life with doctors, being in the hospital. Well, I was glued to the sofa watching this movie.

So I am wishing you immediate success in this endeavor so you don't have to go through it again!

Runner - Sunday Feb 19, 2006
(Under 1400 calories)
Weight: 122.0

No matter what my weight is, I've had two good eating days and I am proud of myself for keeping my calories low and eating healthy foods, even when all I feel like doing is stuffing my face with junk!

I've had a rough weekend, but I'm trying to stay positive. I went to a Chinese doctor tonight for my back...he told me not to eat cold foods or drink beer. I don't drink beer anyway, so that's not a problem...and I guess I can stay away from cold foods, but sometimes Chinese people are overly superstitious. He also did some acupressure on me, so I hope my sore butt feels better tomorrow! After 10 days, I'm getting really weary of having pain every time I walk.

And I was so determined to get some exercise today that I walked over an hour in the rain to go to Costco.

Tomorrow morning is the IUI...I'm just trying not to think about it too much right now...because I'm kind-of scared. I hope I don't have bad side effects or feel like I'm pregnant when I'm not, because I know that happens to some women. My biggest fear is that it will be painful! The last time I had something stuck up in my uterus, it was the worst pain I'd ever felt.

At least my husband will be with me. He has to donate his sperm!

borntocry on 02/19/2006:
Hey Runner,

I will write more in greater detail later, but in case you read this before tomorrow morning I just wanted to quickly suggest that you take some Valium or a strong pain-killer, if you have one, before your doctor's appointment. I know it is not supposed to be painful, but I've also been through something similar in the past that was not supposed to be painful and it was - not excruciatingly so, but my doctor advised me to take something the second time around. She also told me that one of her patients just drinks a glass of wine... I don't know whether that's advisable in your case or even if you drink wine, but the point is just that if you take a little something beforehand it might help. And whatever you do, try to relax - these procedures are always more painful if you're tense! Good luck!

Umpqua on 02/20/2006:
Hi Runner, I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you today. I've also had an intrauterine procedure in the past and I hope this isn't too painful for you. I understand your decision to take a break from things after this if it doesn't work, I don't blame you at all. Your health and happiness are what matters, and even if this doesn't work - maybe you'll be able to conceive naturally with your weight up. In any case, I hope everything goes well!

borntocry on 02/20/2006:
I have been thinking of you all day today too. I hope the procedure went well. If not, I'm ordering you and your husband to go split a sundae at McDonald's!

Runner - Friday Feb 17, 2006
(Under 1400 calories)
Weight: 123.0

After a low-calorie day, I am up yet another pound, and I was 127 tonight. I never, ever thought it would be possible to blow up like this, but I'm blaming it on the hormone pills, as I'm eating like a bird.

I'd like to write more and comment, but I just can't right now. I'm too spent mentally...my body feels so foreign on me right now. I've literally gained a full 10 pounds of flab...none of it is muscle. I just can't believe how the scale keeps going up.

Sure, I should throw the scale out, but I can't.

And I need to monitor my weight as "rapid weight gain" can be a harmful side effect of the drugs, indicating hyperstimulation of my ovaries. So far, the doctor says that "I'm normal," but I sure don't feel normal right now!

I've spent a lot of the day crying...and I have to get my final shots tomorrow, so I'm still not done with these things.

I've decided that if I don't get pregnant, I'm taking a break from these treatments for awhile. I just can't do this yet. I just can't feel like a stranger in my own body, both mentally and physically.

borntocry on 02/17/2006:
Oh Runner,

This is so terrible! I'm so sorry for what you're going though. All I can say is that if it's the drugs that are causing this weight gain, you will surely soon be back to normal once you stop taking them. And maybe you're right, it might be a good idea to discontinue the treatment if it doesn't work. I was a bit surprised when you decided to go ahead with in the first place as I had gotten the feeling that you and your husband were prepared to consider adoption if you couldn't have your own kids. Although now that you are a few pounds heavier, you might be able to conceive naturally after all! It's probably best for you to do whatever is right for you and makes you happy. All this stress and misery can't be good for your health, let alone your chances of getting pregnant.

I wish there was something more I could say or do! But hang in there... if you're going to stop the treatments then it will soon all be over. Relax and give this cycle the best possible chance of working. You haven't gained that much weight... look at Umpqua. Her weight is the same as yours is right now but she's still thinking positive. When things are going well, it doesn't take that long to lose 5 lb or even 10 lb. I have faith that all three of us will be in great shape this summer. Hang in there, Runner! I will be thinking of you...

GG on 02/17/2006:
Personally I believe hormones pills to be a hoax and a scam! Dont succumb to them! I know you are trying to get pregnant but there are better (non weight gain) alternatives! My mother happens to be a gynocologist so if you want any sort of advice on what to do, let me know and I can ask her!! It never feels good be a stranger to your own body so I would do what makes you feel most comfortable and what worked well for you! Good Luck!! And dont beat yourself up!

geevee on 02/17/2006:
Hi Runner,

Weighing once a day and getting the bad news in the morning is bad enough. You don't need to make it worse by weighing at night too! I always think of you in the evening when I'm tempted to weigh, and 98% of the time I can resist. Every time I give in, it just ruins my evening and the following day, so STAY AWAY from the scale except for once a day in the morning.I know how "bulky" you feel because I feel the same way! It's so uncomfortable.

Hang in there. Keep in mind that this is not a permanent situation.

Runner - Thursday Feb 16, 2006
(Under 1400 calories)
Weight: 122.0

My salty dim sum dinner contributed to my all-time "high" of 122 once again. But I don't regret the dinner...I do regret the 2 cookies I ate after dinner and I do regret ordering a couple of fried dishes, but I didn't really know what to expect from the menu alone. Anyway, I'm back on track today, although I'm really going through some serious withdrawl from the lack of running.

Not once in 7 years have I ever taken a week off. There. I admitted it. I've been obsessed with running, and now I have to walk, walk, walk. And even that is painful!

Unfortunately, we switched gyms, and the new gym we are joining isn't opening for another month, so I no longer have a pool at my disposal. So swimming is out-of-the-question right now, too.

I'm wearing a pair of pants today that I haven't worn since I was this weight a couple of years ago. I'm glad I kept them around, as I need them now.

And, BTC---I know what saddlebags are now. I have them. I just didn't know what they were called before I met you!

One of my friends, who happens to be a police officer here, politely told me today that my cheeks are chubby. He hasn't seen me in awhile, and I know my 10-lb. gain is showing. The Chinese never hesitate when talking about weight, so I wasn't surprised at all that he said something. Although he was trying to say that I'm looking fine, I still felt upset inside that he noticed. My husband tries to tell me that it's not noticable, but I know better.

borntocry on 02/16/2006:
Hi Runner,

Maybe you should look at this as a sort of "extended pregnancy". You knew that you might have to gain weight during pregnancy - well, in a way this is part of the whole process. Hopefully you will get pregnant in one or two cycles (I did read up on your treatment, by the way, so now I know all about it!) and you are bound to gain some weight during your pregnancy, so a few pounds more or less won't make a difference. You will lose it all afterwards anyway. Just stay strong and be patient. A year from now you may be looking back on all this and laughing about it with a beautiful baby in your arms!

Thanks for the comment you left me. I wonder if that Avidlite website delivers to Taiwan. After all, it delivers to France, which is overseas, and their shipping fees weren't even that high compared to what I've seen elsewhere. I haven't tried the raw food bars. They're made primarily of dried fruit and nuts, aren't they? If so, it's no wonder there's no need for any extra sugar as dried fruit is already nothing but pure sugar. So I wasn't really all that impressed. Of course I love dried fruit and nuts, but why get them in bar form when you can just have them on their own?

I did come across the Genisoy website during my travels across the information superhighway, but they don't accept foreign credit cards. Their soy crisps looked really good, but I didn't like the fact that they come in such large bags, as I have a hard time with portion control. I like soy nuts too, but I can get them here so it would be a waste to order them online. Unfortunately because of that I also decided against ordering the Dr Soy variety pack, which seemed to consist mostly of several different kinds of soy nuts, and now I'm really regretting that decision, because I would have liked to try the bars! But I'll just get them the next time I go to America, this summer at the very latest.

And thanks for the link to the edietshop website - fascinating! I'm saving it for my lunch break!

Umpqua on 02/16/2006:
Wow Runner, I'm so sorry to hear of everything you've been going through. You're very brave to go through these treatments in a foreign country - the doctors here in the US are scary enough so I can't imagine what it's like there. I'm glad you enjoyed your Valentine's Day dinner, and now I'm in the same boat as you but at a higher weight! I wish you the best of luck with your fertility treatments, hopefully this will all be worthwhile in the end.

geevee on 02/16/2006:
You gain weight like my daughter. She gets the saddlebags and her descriptive "marionnette cheeks".

The Chinese are so blunt and inquisitive about what we would consider personal info like salary, age and weight. "Exactly how much do you earn?" "Why won't you tell me how old you are? I want to know!"

Runner - Tuesday Feb 14, 2006
(Under 1400 calories)
Weight: 121.0

My sore butt/hip has only gotten worse. It's been almost a week now, and none of the doctors here will take me seriously. Even the fertility specialist didn't think it was strange at all for me to be in so much pain.


I had another harrowing experience at the hospital today. Let's just say I was crying like a baby in front of a ton of people and just wanting to die from embarrassment and frustration. I was supposed to get a sonogram before 9am to see how these drugs are working in my body, but I ended up wandering around the hospital for about 20 minutes trying to find the right floor...people kept pointing me in the wrong direction. And trust me---you can't just ask anyone for directions! The majority of them are too nervous to try to speak English, and most of them are clueless anyway.

So...I finally found a lady to help me, but she was irked because it was after 9am and I had to pay my money first. Well, I had forgotten to bring enough cash with me but I had my U.S. credit card in my wallet, so I figured I could use that. Wrong.

Not only did it not work, I couldn't withdraw money from the ATM, either, and my husband had our Chinese ATM card. (they only issue one card per family...makes a whole lot of sense, doesn't it?)

So I admit forgetting to bring enough cash was stupid, but I was pretty stressed out at this point and was getting far too many curious stares from all the old Chinese people who were wondering what my problem was and why I couldn't pay the cashier. And they don't do things like bill you later...you HAVE to pay THEN, or you don't get any treatment. So I began to cry and called my husband on my cell phone to see if he could do anything.

Meanwhile...nobody could understand what I was saying, until a darling Hungarian woman appeared out of nowhere and asked me what I needed. I told her that I needed $30, and she promptly handed me the money, along with her business card so I could repay her at a later date. What a godsend! What an angel! I gave the money to the cashier, who didn't know what had happened, and she acted all strange, like I had had the money the whole time and was making a fuss about nothing! The nerve!

So then I tried to explain to her in my broken Chinese that a lady had given me the money, and she finally let me pay for the treatment and the majority of the fiasco was over by that point. Of course, a press conference was happening right outside the room where we were at that exact moment, so cameras and reporters were everywhere, along with a bazillion old people, so I still felt like everyone was watching me. I sure hope some stupid reporter didn't take footage of me crying...now that would be some bad luck!

Anyway, I finally made it to the sonogram room after getting lost 2 more times, and the lady was gracious enough to do the procedure, even though I was a half hour late. And I got my blood drawn, too, which resulted in a big bruise on my arm. What is it with the nurses here?

The good news is that I do have some follicles...but they're pretty small. The doctor still wants to try the IUI procedure on Monday, and we'll go from there.

Anyway, after I was finished with everything, I consoled myself by stopping at my favorite Vegetarian buffet for lunch. It's one of those "pay-by-the-pound" kind of buffets, so I just stuck some of my favorite treats in a cardboard box and off I went. I know my usual lunch of fruit and veggies would have been less calories, but those treats sure made me feel a lot better! And I tried to pick the healthy ones...but I didn't even know half of what I was eating. It's all made out of tofu, but it sure is good!

Tonight my husband and I are going out to dinner for Valentine's Day. I'm still trying to keep my calories low, but I doubt I can stay under about 1600. We may do dim sum or sushi...either way, my goal is not to focus on the food, but to focus on my husband and to have a nice dinner with him.

borntocry on 02/15/2006:
Oh Runner,

That is so awful! I almost started crying myself while I read your entry! I must say, you are so brave to undergo this kind of medical treatment in a foreign country. I am terrified of French doctors and try to avoid them as much as possible.

The first time I had to go to one was for the mandatory annual check-up required for all employees of French companies. It was like nothing I had ever experienced before. The check-up wasn't in a clinic or hospital - it was in what was obviously once a residential building, with the original furniture still there. So for instance, the doctor saw me in a dining room, at a dining table with chairs all around it! She made me take off all my clothes and sit like that on a grubby upholstered chair while she "examined" me. Now, I had just arrived in France and my French was still a little shaky, so a couple of times I had to ask her to repeat what she had said. She was furious and said, "Why? Are you deaf?" Then she made me walk naked down the hallway, right past the waiting room where everyone else could see me! She took me to a tiny, filthy bathroom and told me I could put my clothes on there. I said, "Okay, thanks" and waited for her to leave, but she just stood there staring at me. Finally she snapped, "Au revoir?!" really sarcastically as if she were trying to remind me of my manners!

I felt so humiliated and mortified that I resolved never to go back there. Every year I get into trouble with my company for skipping my medical check-up but I just can't bring myself to do it. So my heart really went out to you when I read what you described! Don't let this upset you - it's just something you have to get through. What's important is that the treatment seems to be working! You have follicles!! I must read up about this treatment so I know what happens next from here. I am so excited for you!

And I'm glad you went ahead and treated yourself to that vegetarian buffet for lunch. It doesn't sound too unhealthy, and besides, you deserve a little compensation for what you went through!

Thanks for the comment you left me. I realised after I'd written my entry that of course, I already have sugar-free protein bars all the time, so I guess that's a pretty good indication of what sugar-free chocolate is like. The website I'm planning to order from is called <a href="http://www.avidlite.co.uk" target="_blank">Avidlite</a>, but it isn't really such a great website, it's just the only one that stocks these soy crisps which I just discovered recently and totally adore! They're British, but I found what appears to be a very similar brand in America, and I was wondering if you knew it. It's called <a href="http://www.glennys.com" target="_blank">Glenny's</a> - have you heard of it? Their soy crisps look pretty similar to the ones I tried in England, but they also have some interesting-looking soy bars. I really wanted to try the chocolate chip cookie dough one, but they don't accept French credit cards! What a pity.

Anyway, I hope you don't have to go through too much more of this horrible medical stuff. And I hope you had a great time with your husband last night!

sweetpea1977 on 02/15/2006:

I just got caught up on your entries. Wow, you have been through hell the last several days. The staff at your hospital sucks! What is wrong with them people?

Wow, you are having an IUI next Monday! Exciting!! I will keep you in my thoughts and hope that the procedure goes smoothly (Runner doesnt need anymore bruises and sore muscles!).

Hope you had a wonderful Valentine's Day!


liza36 on 02/15/2006:

What an aweful experience in the hospital! That's a terrible thing to go through. I've been in hospitals is Bangkok Thailand and in South America when I was living in those countries, and it's just not the same as in the US. It almost always seems like a harrowing experience. But there was at least good news, so I'm glad for that.

Hope your V-day dinner with your husband was enjoyable.

Runner - Tuesday Feb 14, 2006
(Under 1400 calories)
Weight: 122.0

Well, I predicted the gain, but I was still hoping beyond hope that I was able to "undo" the damage as I skipped dinner, took a long (and painful) walk and had a 300-calorie healthy snack before bedtime. But, alas. The damage is done.

Today has been better, though. At least I'm on track so far, and I don't plan to fall off the wagon!

I'm still in a lot of pain from the nurse's injection last week. I've been to two doctors who contradict each other. One recommends ice; the other recommends heat. They both tried to teach me how to stretch out my back muscles, as if I need help knowing how to stretch. (They didn't know that I'm a distance runner...I didn't feel like telling them, either. Sometimes it's easier not to say anything).

Anyway, I went back to one clinic today to get some "physical therapy" which only means getting hooked up to some machine that massages my back and then getting hooked up to another machine that puts direct heat on my back. The part that drove me batty was that the nurse was insistent on making my half hour session into an English lesson and talked my ear off. I had brought along a magazine and just wanted a few minutes of quiet while I let the machines work, but she insisted on showing off her English vocabulary.


I'm sorry if I come across as negative. I'm not trying to be...I'm just trying not to get discouraged. I have 6 days of the injections done, and my husband has poked me no less than 15 times as of today, and he hasn't hurt me once. Yet that nurse put me completely out-of-commission by jabbing me too deeply. And even though I know I shouldn't run during this time, I am having a serious identity crisis, as I haven't taken this much time off in 7 years. My legs are literally burning to run. It's like not taking a shower or something...I don't feel right if I don't get my endorphins boost for the day, and walking just doesn't do it for me!

Things have got to get better. I can stand looking at my bubble butt in the mirror anymore! Seriously, friends, the 10-lb. gain has gone straight to my butt and stomach. Not one ounce of it went to my (flat) chest. Now THAT is unfair!

borntocry on 02/14/2006:
Hi Runner,

You're right, that nurse was obviously totally incompetent. You shouldn't be in pain for so long after a simple injection - it's ridiculous. Is it getting better at all or is there no change? As for the contradicting heat/ice advice, that may actually not be as crazy as it sounds. I've done a lot of research on sports-related injuries (my husband is always getting injured playing basketball) and it seems that one can usually use either heat or ice to soothe an injury. In fact, my husband usually uses both intermittently.

I'm sorry that you're going through endorphin-withdrawal! I guess I must just be naturally a much lazier person than you because even though I've come to enjoy running, I still enjoy lazing around on the sofa watching TV even more! Is there any other form of exercise you could do in the meantime? I know what you mean about walking - that doesn't give me a workout either. How about weight-lifting? I guess biking is out of the question right now, due to the injection injury. Surely you could still swim, though? I don't know about you, but when I went swimming with my husband in Germany I thought I was going to die of exhaustion after just one lap!

I had to laugh at that last line you wrote, because my husband is always praising my "bubble butt" to the skies! Yuck - I hate it too so I know how you feel, but you know, it's not all bad. It's just the way we're built. I often lament the fact that none of my weight goes to my chest but when I really think about it, I know I wouldn't actually want to be really busty either. If we gained all our weight in our chests we'd probably be complaining about that instead. You know it's true!

Thanks for the comment you left me. I like to "vent" in my diary too - it feels good to know that there are people reading it who understand and have gone through the same thing. My family and friends are all naturally very thin and not sympathetic to the whole diet/exercise thing so I don't really have anyone else I can discuss it with. And yes, I have been remembering what you said about racing becoming addictive! I never thought that would happen to me, but I can already see it coming, and I haven't even run the race yet! I am so excited about it, though. And I do plan to collect every single thing I get for it!

Umpqua on 02/14/2006:
I'm sorry to hear about everything you are going through Runner. Hopefully you'll get pregnant as the result of all this lifestyle change. I feel like all of my weight goes to my stomach and I often wish I could redestribute some to my booty :) I remember making fun of my naturally thin mother when I was a kid because she actually bought a "butt prosthetic" to give her flat butt a little lift. It looked ridiculous on her though. Now I have the same flat butt - minus the naturally thin part. I guess none of us are happy with what nature gave us...

Runner - Monday Feb 13, 2006
(Under 1400 calories)
Weight: 121.0

I had a battle with a tub of chocolate frosting, and the frosting won.

The remainders of the heart-clogging, insulin-spiking, brown-colored partially hydrogenated vegetable oil is now in the trash, where it belongs.

I happen to love the dear lady in the U.S. who sent me the tub of frosting, but I should have thrown it out or used it on a cake when I first got it. Instead, I waited until a moment of weakness to open it, thinking that I was strong enough to have a bit of it in moderation---on a graham cracker.

What a fool I am! Will I never learn?

I'm sure I'll be up to 122 tomorrow, and it's all my fault.

borntocry on 02/13/2006:
Oh Runner,

Why do people keep sending you such tempting things?! I can only imagine where I would be if I kept getting all my favourite treats in the mail! Maybe you should tell everyone you know that you're going on some health food kick. Maybe then they'll start sending you healthy stuff instead?!

I think one problem that we have in common is that it isn't just certain foods which act as triggers for us, it's also certain ways of eating those foods. For instance, if I have a bowl of cereal, I'm generally all right, but if I have a handful of dry cereal, it sends me straight into binge mode! And the really sad thing is that a handful of dry cereal is really not such an unhealthy snack, as far as snacks go. If I could only just stick to one!

Since I don't believe in forbidden foods, my new policy is that certain foods should only be allowed in certain forms. So I try not to let myself grab a handful of dry cereal or have just a spoonful of peanut butter. Yesterday I really wanted a couple of Ritz crackers, but it was just too dangerous. Instead I promised myself that I could have some later with a bowl of soup for dinner. I know I'm far less likely to dump a whole box of crackers into my soup than I am to gradually nibble away at them all night. Similarly if I really crave cereal I make myself have a whole bowl of cereal. Of course, that has a lot more calories than a handful of dry cereal, which means that I often simply decide against it and have something else instead. But I know that if I really want it, I can have it, and I think that helps control the craving somewhat.

Of course I know that all this is easier said than done, and also that having said this, I'm probably just a day or two away from my next cereal binge myself, but hey, all we can do is try, right? At least you threw away what was left of the frosting. And you came up with a great description for it - I don't know about you, but that's going to put me off chocolate frosting for a long time!

geevee on 02/13/2006:
You perfectly described why I can't yet open the two chocolate bars and box of truffles son Jim gave me. With the appetite I've had recently, there's no way I could have just a little, say, 100 cal. worth. The taste of chocolate would totally destroy the "good eating" phase I'm back to after my short lapse.Oh, to be back in the time when I never had to think about eating and could have anything I wanted, no limit at all!

jolt on 02/13/2006:

First of all Breath! We all do this from time to time.. But yes you could have used it right away on something or gotten rid of it. But now you must move forward from where you are now. You cant look back all week and regret what you did. Move forward and change it. YOu can do this.



Soon2BThin on 02/13/2006:
I hope you at least enjoyed it a little and the experience was not wasted. I know if your weight goes up some, you'll get it back down again. So relax, none of us is perfect. And who can resist a little chocolate!? Have a great Tuesday!

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