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Runner - Sunday Feb 12, 2006
(Under 1400 calories)
Weight: 121.0

My body is so complicated right now.

I think the nurse hit a nerve when she gave me an injection in the butt on Thursday, because I've had terrible pain right where she gave me the shot. It's enough that I haven't been able to run for two days and it's painful when I walk, too!

Needless to say, I'm trying to cope with the situation and to stay positive. But getting poked three times a day with needles and dealing with hormonal side effects from the drugs isn't very fun, either.

I'm just praying that my weight stays consistent and that I don't balloon up. Although you all have encouraged me that maybe I'll be okay if I just rest for awhile, I'm not convinced yet. I've never lost weight that way, and I know plenty of people who haven't, either. In fact, my good friend packed on 20 pounds when she stopped exercising and started taking fertility drugs. Her eating habits didn't change, either.

So I'm just trying to eat as low-cal as possible during this crazy time. And if I'm awarded with a baby at the end of it, I won't complain about the potential weight gain. But if there's no baby...it's back to my normal workouts! That is, if I can actually run again. I could just strangle that nurse. Did I mention she gave me a double dose of the stuff (by mistake), too? Oops.

aymalaika on 02/12/2006:
hey runner. wow. i haven't read your entries for an eternity, and i still haven't had a chance to catch up on most of what has been goingon. i'm so sorry you are still struggling with this- you are an incredibly strong women to remain positive throughout everyhting you have been and are going through. i know you are worried about gainging weight and such but just be gentle with yourself now, and take care to get everyhting that you need. taking hormones has a huge impact on every level of your system, but i'm sure you've already been told all this by doctors and everyone else, so i will just say one last thing: you are in my thoughts and i hope that everything works out and especially that your body balances itself.

Keep it up and keep on smiling, even when the times get tough you are an inspiration to the rest of us, well me, who crumble at the slightest obstacle.

borntocry on 02/12/2006:
Hi Runner,

Wow, we've really been going back and forth with our entries and comments to each other today, haven't we?

I feel so guilty about constantly bemoaning my fate when you've been going through so much worse lately. But then, your comments and support have cheered me up tremendously and I'm so grateful to you for that!

You did mention that the nurse gave you a double dose the other day - I was so indignant I couldn't even comment on it! And then she shrugged it off like it was nothing! I think it may not be uncommon to experience this kind of reaction to a strong injection, though, because the same thing happened to me when I had to have a meningitis vaccination when I was twelve. I panicked and the doctor had to chase me around the room, and finally injected me in my right arm instead of the left, as planned. I couldn't use that arm for three days! But it was fine after that, so hopefully you will be too.

I have to admit, I don't know anyone who has been through this kind of treatment so I have no basis to assure you that you won't necessarily gain weight, but if you continue to try keeping your calorie intake extra low, you should be able to offset the effects of the treatment to some extent, right? It sucks to have to put yourself through this additional ordeal at a time like this, but hopefully you will become pregnant soon and then you'll be able to relax a little and focus on eating plenty of good food for you and your baby!

Hang in there, Runner, we are all thinking of you and hoping for the best for you...

Runner - Thursday Feb 09, 2006
(Under 1400 calories)
Weight: 121.5

I really don't know what to write about, as I am feeling more out-of-control than ever. Not with the food, thankfully...no, I've had two great days of eating low-cal, healthy foods. (why the 1/2 pound gain? No clue).

But my body is no longer under my control. I started the injections yesterday after a stressful time at the hospital, where the nurse injected me with double the amount she was supposed to of the LH hormone. Oops! Yeah, I wasn't too happy about that, but what can I do? I'm a foreigner in a country where I don't speak the language fluently! She assured me that I would be okay, so I tried not to stress out about it.

Anyway, my husband is giving me the injections...3 times a day....and I know better than to think that I won't escape some sort of side effects. Of course, a main side effect is bloating, so what's new? I'm the Queen of Bloat.

Unfortunately, I really can't fit into most of my pants now, and that's terribly discouraging. Why couldn't I start these dumb injections when I was 113 pounds? Why now, when I am 122? It just makes me feel all that more uncomfortable.

And since I'm being honest, I might as well confess that I still worked out for 3 hours yesterday and ran this morning. But I HAVE to stop, or slow down. I HAVE to. When they give me the IUI (not IVF, I found out), I can't be "jarring my ovaries," or something like that.

This is SO hard for me, friends. Cutting back on exercise has not been an option in my life for 7 solid years. I'm so scared that my weight will just soar when I stop. And I can't stand to think that I'll just gain weight for no good reason. (the only way I can stand to gain weight is if I DO get pregnant...but I know I won't. I know I won't fall into the 20% of women who do get pregnant on the first cycle...my body is just too messed up. I know that already).

Anyway, I'm feeling discouraged, and having all these hormones in my body doesn't help the situation at all. I don't feel like myself at all. I can't even stand to look at pictures of myself from the summer, as I look like a totally different girl...a carefree, skinny girl.

I no longer see myself as skinny.

Umpqua on 02/09/2006:
Hi Runner, thanks for your comment. I'm sorry you're feeling so down in the dumps - I'm guessing the hormones have wreaked havoc with your mood for starters. Maybe the bloat will even out once your body has some time to adjust. In any event, I'm curious to find out what happens when you cut back on your exercise. I think you may be pleasantly surprised to find you don't gain like you expect, and may in fact see a change in the scales. I know it doesn't make sense logically, but I think a little change in your routine may jumpstart your metabolism. I hope I'm right for your sake - maybe we'll both see the teens again soon!!

geevee on 02/09/2006:
I understand how you must feel! Nothing is more demoralizing than not being able to wear your pants.

Since you are going to all this trouble trying to get fertile, you really need to follow your doctor's advice about exercise.

If you had a physical problem which makes it real easy to not exercise, you might discover that you don't need so much after all. My bum knee has been acting up for a week, and despite doing absolutely NOTHING physically, I'm down two real pounds! It was all due to reducing my calorie intake to 1200 a day.

Why don't you try the 1200 cal. a day plan that several of us are on successfully? If you HAVE TO have a goodie, then do so, but don't go over 1200.

All is not lost! Be careful with your calories. You are so well versed in the ups and downs of dieting. Think positively.

borntocry on 02/10/2006:
Hi Runner,

You poor girl! I feel so sorry for you. I know how hard this must be for you. But I agree with geevee - you must cut down on the exercise if it could jeopardise the chance of successful treatment. You don't want all this suffering - the injections, the bloating - to be for nothing. You must give it every chance to work. You can't be sure you won't be in that 20% of women who get pregnant in the first cycle. I'm sure everyone who undertakes this treatment is just as messed up as you are - why else would anyone go through such an ordeal? Anyway, how do you know how messed up your body really is? It's just the running that has messed it up. For all you know, once you stop your body will be back to normal again!

I also agree with geevee about your weight. Try sticking to 1200 calories a day. Once you cut down on all the running, you won't feel as hungry and it will be much easier. Trust me, I never wanted to admit that running made me hungrier but eventually I could no longer deny it - it does. Princess Teacup said the same thing. You will find it easier to eat less once you stop, and I promise you, your weight will not soar like you think. You know I have noticed that my weight is often much lower after my rest days than after my running days. You'll see, today is a rest day for me and I bet my weight will be down tomorrow. And I'm really going out on a limb by saying this so you know I mean it!

And anyway I'm sure you don't have to give up exercise completely. You can still go swimming, can't you? You can still walk around, maybe go hiking. That should be enough to maintain your weight. As you've said yourself so many times, your body is so efficient now that it handles running no differently from walking, so what is the big deal? You might think that running is all that's keeping you from ballooning up but I doubt that very much. Running had a much greater effect on our bodies back when we were just getting into shape than it does now.

In any case, you've made the decision to go ahead with this treatment, so this is what you've got to do. If it doesn't work, well then you can start running again and lose any extra weight you've gained. In fact, starting to run again after a long break will probably have the kind of dramatic results which you haven't seen in a long time! Be patient, Runner. You will get through this. And you will be that carefree skinny girl again, one way or another!

sweetpea1977 on 02/10/2006:
Hey Runner,

Thank you so much for the wonderful comment you. I couldnt wait to thank you for it.

And then I read this entry. You poor thing! All I can say is that I agree with all of the other comments. They said all the things I wanted to say, so please listen to them.

I will say that I have noticed several changes in my metabolism throughout my weightloss journey. For obvious reasons, it increased dramatically when I increased my exercise to maximum intensity last summer, but what surprised me was when I had "off" days. On my off days, I hardly exercised and ate more than usual. I ended up weighing in less the next few days. Of course, the bad thing for me is that it is only short term for me, since I havent been physically active for very long.

The good thing is that you have been a very efficient calorie burner for a long time. With this said, I would recommend cutting back your exercise to a great extent. Basically, that means no more long workouts and runs. Your hunger may lessen, which may lead you to eating less calories each day. And like the others said, a change in metabolism may result in a lower weight.

However, you have to remember that getting pregnant requires you to gain some weight. How much? I dont know. Only God knows. Just be patient, have faith, and always believe that all these annoying things are happening for a really awesome reason - becoming a mother.



rjf on 02/10/2006:
I'm not sure if this will help or not, but I think you should try to give yourself a break right now. Maybe stressing about your weight is not the thing to do now that you are trying to get pregnant. I know I don't know you but I have to lose almost what you weigh. You will lose the weight after the baby. I can tell from your determination. So, maybe if you let yourself just try to eat healthy but not worrry about losing right now.... I don't know...it's just a suggestion. Try to just relax!

biscottibody59 on 02/10/2006:
You probably need to ask yourself, "What on earth WOULD it take for me to cut down on my exercise?" Seems to me if you really wanted a healthy baby you'd be able to do "whatever it takes."

The thing about getting pregnant is it matters what you've been doing nutritionally and physically BEFORE conception. For example, it's probably not good to be an alcoholic while trying to get pregnant. I had a friend who was and whether or not it had to do with the condition of her baby, we'll never know. Her baby was normal except for having congenitally dislocated hips, which were corrected way before she started walking. She's 16 now and has no trace of any deformity.

You probably don't appreciate my input, but I've read you for as long as you've been here, and I know your struggles very well. I think your struggle goes much deeper than most of ours or else this one thing--cutting down on your exercise to get pregnant would be simple and easy for you.

Good Luck in your endeavors--Take good care of yourself! And like the other person said, "Relax!"

borntocry on 02/12/2006:
Oh Runner, thank you so much for your comment today! I was feeling so alone... no-one even noticed that I'd probably already run the entire distance of the half-marathon, if not more! And it was not how I had imagined it would be, on the day of the actual race, in front of all the crowds, with my husband there to cheer me on! It's actually kind of robbed me of some of the excitement and anticipation of the big day. But your support did a lot to lift my spirits!

And you're right, even though my weight is still nowhere near what it was last summer, I actually feel like I'm looking more toned now than ever. For the first time my upper thighs aren't an embarrassment to me. In fact, I'm even considering whether I'm ready to start running in shorts! I know it's what you do, but I've always been way too ashamed of my legs to show them in public. But maybe I'm finally ready. Well, once the weather gets a bit warmer, of course!

Runner - Wednesday Feb 08, 2006
(Under 1400 calories)
Weight: 121.0

Well, I managed to salvage the rest of yesterday, even after my major goof-up. Thanks for all your encouragement and suggestions, friends. What would I do without you?

I did get rid of the rest of the cashews today by bringing them into work. (Where they quickly disappeared!) I was saving them "for my hubby," but they are just too tempting to eat when they're in my own house! And the ironic thing is that I don't really like cashews, but dip them in chocolate, and I can't keep my hands off of them! I didn't buy them, by the way...I would never spend my money on such a deadly trigger food! They were given to me, as most of the foods I overeat are given to me as well! Do I have a sign on my forehead that says, "Give me fattening snacks, please?"

Sometimes I wonder... :)

The peanut butter is there for my husband only, and usually it isn't a problem...unless I open the jar to make something for my him. Really, I never open it for myself. I only open it to make him some peanut butter toast or something like that. BUT, he is perfectly capable of making his own peanut butter toast, and I know in the back of my mind that the only reason I am volunteering to make him some toast is because I want to stick a big spoon in the jar and eat a hunk of peanut butter myself. Therefore, if I just let my husband prepare his own snacks, I will save myself hundreds of calories.

I've done okay today, except for a scone I ate for breakfast, and I don't even like scones! But I substituted that for my healthy cereal, so at least I didn't eat both!

I bought some fresh salmon and broccoli for dinner, so I'm hoping I can actually enjoy a real meal for once. No more of "meals" of nuts and peanut butter. That's no way to eat.

borntocry on 02/08/2006:
Hi Runner,

Yes, I remember your Peanut Butter Problem now. Perhaps you can ask your husband to <i>insist</i> on making his own peanut butter toast - preferably not to even inform you beforehand? I get the feeling your husband is quite amenable to such demands, whereas my husband considers them preposterous and won't entertain them for a second!

And I know what you mean about wanting to have a real meal for once! Although I firmly believe in sacrificing meals in order to indulge in treats, I do get tired of such an unhealthy diet after a while and start to desire real food instead! In the end, our treats may satisfy our psychological cravings but I feel like they don't really physically satiate us the way an actual meal does. For instance, today I spent the whole morning day-dreaming of a "proper" breakfast of scrambled eggs and toast, rather than the oatmeal and protein bars I've contented myself with for the past few weeks. But of course that's out of the question for me as I have breakfast at my desk at work!

sweetpea1977 on 02/08/2006:
Good job on getting rid of those cashews! The next time they come around, perhaps have your husband take them with him to work so he can enjoy them away from you. Im sure he will understand.

And as for the peanut butter problem, I totally agree with you. Insist that he handles all his peanut butter meals from now on to save yourself from any future binges.

The scone mishap wasnt so bad (since you did substitute it with your normal breakfast of cereal), but I hate that you didnt really enjoy it. I love scones. If you are ever tempted to eat one, just send it to me next time. ;o)


Umpqua on 02/08/2006:
I know what you mean about the peanut butter, I had the same problem with the chocolate chip cookies last night. I brought them out for my husband thinking that he would finish them off and they would then be out of site. But he didn't finish them so I of course ended up eating 2! Your salmon and broccoli dinner sounds great, I hope you enjoy it.

Runner - Tuesday Feb 07, 2006
(Under 1600 calories)
Weight: 121.0

I really goofed up badly this afternoon. It was a terrible ten minutes, and I almost avoided this site completely, except that I feel confession is good for the soul.

So...after several tablespoons of peanut butter and about 20 chocolate-covered cashews, here I am with an extra 800 calories that will definitely go straight to my hips.

I hate it when I mess up like this! Can't I learn my lesson? I read some of my entries from 2 years ago and I was struggling with the same tendencies---including the tendency to binge on snack foods that are within my reach, even when I'm not hungry.

Two years ago at this time, I had just about given up hope. I had tried for months to lose a pound and hadn't been able to make any significant progress. I am right back where I was 2 years ago, and the only way I'll ever drop an ounce is if I can completely stop those 10-minute binge-fests and keep my calories under 1500.

I feel so pathetic right now. And I feel impatient, too. I want to lose 5 pounds NOW. But I've been playing this game long enough to know that you can't drop 5 pounds overnight. You can't gain 5 pounds overnight, either. You might "gain" some water weight or "lose" some water weight, but real weight gain or loss takes work. Unfortunately, it's far easier to gain weight than lose it...

Friends, I could not feel more disgusted with myself right now. Hormone pills and digestion problems aside, I KNOW that the last 7 pounds are partly (or mostly) my fault, and my fault alone. Although I have other factors making weight loss more difficult now, I can't excuse my poor behavior. Eating an extra 100 calories a day will result in a 1-lb. gain a month, and I'm sure I've been eating more than 100 calories a day, which is why I've seen 4 pounds in one month! The bottom line is that I am too small and too physically fit to eat 2000 calories a day, and I'm just kidding myself if I think I can maintain my weight with that kind of an appetite.

borntocry on 02/07/2006:
Hi Runner,

You know, if I had a jar of peanut butter or chocolate-covered cashews lying around in my house, I'd probably be consuming an extra 800 calories a day, too. I know you don't like this argument because you feel like you should be stronger than that, and believe me, I feel the same way too, but sometimes will-power just isn't enough. Can't you throw the peanut butter and cashew nuts in the freezer or something? Or do you have to leave them out for your husband? If you do, then maybe you could put them on top of the refrigerator or somewhere else that you can't reach them! I'm serious - that's what I've done with our breakfast cereals!

Another thing I've done is seal things up with tape and so on and then put them way at the back of the cupboard, so it would take a lot of effort and make a big mess to get them out. Of course, that won't stop me when I'm really desperate, but it does work some of the time.

Sadly, I've also started trying to stay out for as long as possible to avoid being around my kitchen. So I generally work late and then either go running or do some shopping or something. But my husband has been working late, too, so I know he isn't waiting for me at home. Otherwise I'd probably feel too guilty (and foolish) about doing it.

Thanks for the comment you left me - you were right, I am down a pound today! And yes, I am also glad that I have no further trials coming up before my race, though that's no coincidence as I sort of planned it that way. I told my family and friends that I can't make any more weekend trips until after the race, because I'm too busy training. Of course they asked why I can't just train wherever I am, but I didn't want to admit that the real reason is that I don't want to gain 5 lb gorging on treats that I can't get over here!

Becca27 on 02/07/2006:
It's good that you're taking ownership for your weight gain. For me, I love to say "It's my metabolism" or "I'm retaining water." - but, in truth, when I'm brutally honest with myself - can I really expect to lose weight while eating Nerds by the fistfull and king sized bags of licorice? We both know what it takes, and avoiding temptations is almost impossible in the moment. Take it one step, one decision, at a time. Think back to how you dug yourself out of these bad habits in the past... can that help?

Re: my hubby - He is 6'2" and beautiful - His body is gorgeous. He has 6% body fat and comes from a family of freakishly athletic specimens. They're all great at everything they do(to make matters worse - they're all really nice, too - so I can't even hate them). My h is a 100m sprinter and decathelete. Last year - I introduced my H to yoga because he was struggling with back pain while playing basketball. Fast forward one year, he's given up all sports and other forms of exercise and practices yoga every single day for at least one hour - I usually sit on the couch and watch him. Ha!

geevee on 02/07/2006:
Hi Runner,

You CAN'T keep those goodies in the house! Give them away, store them, ask your husband to finish them. Anything to stay away from temptation.

Geez, chocolate covered cashews! Yum! I've resisted the PNB and substituted FF cottage cheese smeared on rye crisps. For some reason it works. I haven't had PNB for a few weeks now and during that time, I've lost some weight. Yes! There is a connection!

When these urges for goodies rear their ugly heads, try to blot them out of your mind and talk yourself out of eating them. It CAN be done.

sweetpea1977 on 02/07/2006:
Hey Runner,

Desperate times call for desperate measures. I think its time to ban your home from your beloved peanut butter, nuts, and whatever else you may consider a trigger food. Even though I like BTC's ideas of putting it in an inconvenient place, it may not be enough to keep yourself away. In other words, it may be out of reach, but it wont be out of mind.

I know for a fact that it makes things much easier for me to stay on track when my trigger foods (anything chocolate, especially baked goods!) are not in the house. Im actually still quite scared to bring any home because I just know I will go crazy and end up having a huge choco-fest!

Anyway, you can do this. Just keep fighting!


rjf on 02/07/2006:
Try not to beat yourself up too much. It is what you do "most" of the time not "some" of the time that matters. Just get right back on and you'll be ok. I will give you some words that I hope might be helpful. I'm 5'6 and I weighed 125 until college which is very good for my height. But I thought I was fat and spent most days not feeling good about myself.....now I would literally kill someone to be 125 *joke* So, try to enjoy the new you, too and give yourself a break some. I mean I know that all it takes is 5 pounds to feel like you're going to gain it all back. I've seen people do it all the time...lose 100 and gain it all back but you seem to have a good hold on it.....just don't beat yourself up too much!

Runner - Tuesday Feb 07, 2006
(Under 1600 calories)
Weight: 121.0

Well, I managed to salvage the rest of yesterday, even after my major goof-up. Thanks for all your encouragement and suggestions, friends. What would I do without you?

I did get rid of the rest of the cashews today by bringing them into work. (Where they quickly disappeared!) I was saving them "for my hubby," but they are just too tempting to eat when they're in my own house! And the ironic thing is that I don't really like cashews, but dip them in chocolate, and I can't keep my hands off of them!

The peanut butter USUALLY isn't a problem...unless I open the jar to make something for my husband. Really, I never open it for myself. I only open it to make him some peanut butter toast or something like that. BUT, he is perfectly capable of making his own peanut butter toast, and I know in the back of my mind that the only reason I am volunteering to make him some toast is because I want to stick a big spoon in the jar and eat a hunk of peanut butter myself. Therefore, if I just let my husband prepare his own snacks, I will save myself hundreds of calories.

I've done okay today, except for a scone I ate for breakfast, and I don't even like scones! But I substituted that for my healthy cereal, so at least I didn't eat both!

I bought some fresh salmon and broccoli for dinner, so I'm hoping I can actually enjoy a real meal for once. No more of "meals" of nuts and peanut butter. That's no way to eat.

Runner - Sunday Feb 05, 2006
(Under 1600 calories)
Weight: 121.5

Yesterday was an almost-perfect day except for 2 tablespoons of peanut butter (200 calories!), 4 chocolate-covered cashews (80 calories!!!), and three meringue cookies (75 calories). If I can learn how to cut out those extra "bites" and snacks, maybe I'll notice a half-pound loss once in awhile. Regardless, I still think I was around 1500 calories for the day, but my weight was actually between 121.5 and 122 today. Ugh.

Today is the last day of hormone pills. Good thing, as I'm craving chocolate and just splurged on some mini Hershey's bars that a co-worker brought back from America. I should have passed those up, too, but I'll just cut out my snack this afternoon and hopefully I can still stay within my calorie-limit.

My period should start this week and then I'll begin the dreaded FSH injections as I prepare for IVF. It's scary, yet exciting. What if I do get pregnant after my first cycle? If so, then all these stupid weight worries will probably disappear for awhile, as I know I'll need a little extra "padding" in order to have a baby. But if I simply gain another 5 pounds with each IVF cycle, then I'll probably get depressed or go crazy or both!

borntocry on 02/06/2006:
Hi Runner,

If your period is going to start this week, then no wonder your weight is up! My weight is generally around 3 lb. higher right before my period - that's why I "lost" 4 lb. in one week, as you pointed out in your comment. My weight is always lowest at this time in my cycle, which is why I wasn't all that excited about it, as I know it's only going to go up from here.

So you are really going through with IVF then. That's so brave of you! I hope you do get pregnant soon. I think that could be the answer to all your worries! You know, I used to be terrified of how much weight I would gain during pregnancy, but ever since my co-worker became pregnant last year, we've been talking a lot about it at work and I feel much more confident about it. Of course, some weight gain is inevitable, but apparently breast-feeding takes care of quite a bit of it. And perhaps the whole process, and the temporary break from exercise, could help get your hormone levels back to normal in the end.

sweetpea1977 on 02/06/2006:
Hey Runner,

Welcome back. Im glad you had such a great time on vacation!

I love Hershey's chocolate, almost as much as my first love - Godiva chocolate! Both are trigger foods for me, so I rarely keep them in the house (however, if I get some for Valentines Day, I WONT complain, haha).

OH my gosh, you are almost at the IVF stage already. You are right, that is both scary and exciting. Getting pregnant after your first cycle would be awesome - the sooner, the better, I say. :o) I will keep my fingers crossed for you.

Love, Jenny

Becca27 on 02/06/2006:
BLT's - bites, licks, & tastes Can't stand the little buggers. My personal favorite Hershey product is their extra dark chocolate - oh yum!! I live only 1 hour from Hershey!

I'm glad that you're finished with the hormone pills. FSH and IVF is a huge step. Good for you! I will be praying for you over these next few months. Please try to relax about it, all, which I know is easier said than done. I think that remaining calm is key - minor weight gain is temporary - and pregnancy weight is great! You're a smart eater and if you nurse, it will all fly off afterwards! Great things are coming!!

Runner - Sunday Feb 05, 2006
(Under 1600 calories)
Weight: 121.5

I'm back home!

Whew! What a trip! It was an excellent vacation, and except for the 1/2 pound gain (which I think is somewhat unfair, but I'll try not to complain), I really did have a great time.

Guess what happened to us yesterday in the airport? We were bumped up to Business Class, which is basically first class on an Asian airline. So although I had had a stellar day up to that point with my food choices, I threw all caution out the window and ate almost everything that I was served in those plush, oversized seats! My only regret was finishing off a rather large serving of strawberry panna cotta, and then wondering to myself whether it was high in calories. Am I completely ignorant, or what? After "googling" panna cotta, I realized that it's VERY high in calories---no wonder it tasted so good!

But I must confess, friends, I feel terrible about my body right now and am eager to drop these stubborn pounds. Of course, I think everything is going against me, what with the hormone pills and all these food tempatations in my way, but I have no more excuses. In two days, I'll be done with the pills, and I am simply going to resign myself to eating under 1500 calories a day. I've GOT to do it, or I will NEVER get back to 115. And I am tired of feeling flabby...trust me, when I see 125 after a day of eating and drinking, I can feel every single pound...especially since those extra 10 pounds went straight to my stomach and butt!

So here's to a new start. My vacation didn't jump-start my weight loss, but I'm trying to stay hopeful that I'll drop a pound or two this week. According to my records, I "gained" about 3 1/2 pounds in the last four weeks, and that's pathetic. I'm not going to work out even harder, as I'm already putting in a good two hours a day, so cutting calories is my only option.

Here goes nothing!

Umpqua on 02/05/2006:
Good job on maintaining over your vacation. I always retain water when I fly so hopefully you'll get rid of that pesky half pound in the next day or so. Counting calories seems to be the only thing that works for me too, so I'm going to stick to it leading up to my trip to Italy.

Jenny had actually emailed me the bread recipe so I will paste it in here, I don't think she'll mind!

******************** Use the "whole wheat" setting. Add all ingredients to Breadmaker Pan in the order given.

Makes a 1.5 lb loaf

1/2 cup warm water 1 Tbl. butter or vegetable oil 3 Tbl. honey 1 egg 1/2 tsp. vanilla 1/2 tsp. salt 1 cup whole wheat flour 1 1/4 cup bread flour 1 small banana, sliced 1 1/2 tsp. poppy seeds 1 1/2 tsp. active dry yeast

Makes a 2 lb loaf

2/3 cup warm water 1 1/2 Tbl. butter or vegetable oil 1/4 cup honey 1 egg 1/2 tsp. vanilla 1 tsp salt 1 1/2 cups whole wheat flour 1 1/2 cups bread flour 1 banana, sliced * 2 tsp. poppy seeds** 2 tsp. active dry yeast *I added 1.5 bananas, because the first time I made it, it wasn't "bananany" enough. **One time, I substituted walnuts for poppy seeds and it tasted AWESOME!

For the 2lb loaf, it took 3 hours and 15 minutes for the breadmaker to make this bread. This includes mixing time, kneading time, rising time, and baking time.

geevee on 02/05/2006:
Hi Runner,

I consider being up only a half pound as a rousing success story for a vacation! And as Umpqua said, that half pound might just be fluid retention.

You echoed the sentiments I expressed in my entry today about "feeling" each pound. I know exactly what you mean when you say you feel flabby.

Since Umpqua, BTC and I have reduced our calories to 1200 a day, each of us has seen our weight drop. That's the answer I think, to why none of us has not only NOT lost but gained over the past month or two. We've been eating too much. And let me tell you, 1200 isn't much at all and coming in at that number every day is not easy. I've had to really work hard at it. It is possible, though. There is NO room for any cheating. You have to keep planting in your mind that sweets are a thing of the past and that you can't give yourself any treat until you get back to 115, and then, with trepidation.

Where I went wrong once I reached my goal, was treating myself too frequently to pizza, strombolis, barbecue, buffet at the Biltmore. No more of that! I deluded myself into thinking that I was "maintaining" when I was really on the road to ruin. We have to face reality which entails constantly being aware and as I always harp, ETERNAL VIGILANCE!

borntocry on 02/05/2006:
Runner!! Welcome back! How I've missed you...

It's nice to see you haven't gained as much weight as you thought. Half a pound isn't that much at all, especially after that big meal you had in first class! But there's no reason to regret it - after all, how often does that happen? I still remember the one time I got to travel business class. It was also on an Asian airline so it was basically first class and there was a huge buffet meal with freshly-baked breads... it was amazing! I ate until I was stuffed but it was worth it.

Thanks for the comment you left me. I'm glad you got to watch that video of my husband I posted the other day! Yes, he is completely fluent in French - I'm so jealous! I actually took it in university, whereas he has never studied it and just picked it up when he moved here, six years ago. And now he speaks like a native!

Anyway, I think you're making the right decision to try counting calories again, as it seems to be working so well for me at the moment. I know only too well the temptation to think that by supposedly burning hundreds of calories a day in exercise, we should be entitled to a little leeway when it comes to diet, but somehow that just doesn't seem to work for us. And I don't think it's fair either, but what can we do about it? Basically either resign ourselves to being slightly heavier than we would like, or make that extra effort!

Becca27 on 02/05/2006:
Hi Runner - I'm glad u had a great trip. I completely understand what u feel like and I know that hormone treatments can definitely do a number on your metabolism and appetite. This is only temporary and you can get back on track when you're through. It's definitely the drugs! -Hang in there!!!

gg on 02/05/2006:
Vacations never jump start diets, dont expect them to, but I am sure you will be able to whip your self back into tip-top shape in NO TIME! I mean if you have done it before, you can surely do it again: but this time STAY that way, because you know YOYOing is not good!!! Good luck!!!!!

Runner - Friday Feb 03, 2006
(Under 1600 calories)
Weight: 121.0

HI, friends!

I have one more day of vacation before I head home. I'll be back tomorrow night and am terrified to step on the scale.

Why? Not because I haven't been eating well or exercising. But because I paid five pesos to weigh myself on a fancy scale in a pharmacy today and saw 124.9 lbs.


Of course, I was dressed, but my shoes were OFF, and I don't FEEL any heavier! It still amazes me that I can be so conscientious about what I eat when I'm on VACATION, for crying out loud, and STILL gain weight!

Maybe the scale was off a bit, but I doubt it. Because I had to step on a scale this morning at the airport (we flew a tiny prop plane) and I was also 125 lbs. with my shoes on.

Anyway, I've had a wonderful vacation, and except for indulging in candy and fried plantains along the way, I have kept my meals low-calorie and healthy. There were so many times when I COULD have just ordered what everyone else was ordering, but I didn't. I stuck to plates of veggies almost every night.

But I must have gone wrong somewhere...maybe my body just can't handle the sugar. And I know I've eaten a few too many pieces of "penny candy" that I bought from the adorable little children that were all over the island we were staying on.

Anyway, I'll let you know the final damage on Sunday. Until then, I have 24 hours to continue to make wise choices. NO MORE CANDY!

geevee on 02/03/2006:
How ever in the world did you get the courage to weigh yourself in public? WOW! That's something!

Of course you couldn't pass up the fried plantains. I eat them like potato chips.

Do keep in mind the fluctuations you're prone to have when you get on the scale, and if you're up, you'll know it's a fluctuation and then let it go. And for God's sake, don't get on the scale at night! Wait until morning, and AFTER your run and the bathroom.

Enjoy those veggies!

borntocry on 02/04/2006:
Hi Runner,

What are you doing weighing yourself fully dressed in the middle of the day like that? You are such a glutton for punishment. I told you - I <i>begged</i> you - not to think about weight for this one week! I'm glad to see that you still managed to have a wonderful vacation, though. Love those plantains!

I'll be hoping things look better on Sunday... it will be so great to have you back, though! I've missed you so much! And I need you more than ever these days. Please don't go on such a long vacation again - at least not until after my half-marathon!

Runner - Tuesday Jan 31, 2006
(Under 1600 calories)
Weight: 121.0

Hi, friends! I only have a few minutes, as I'm on a very slow computer and am paying for the minute, but I wanted to update my entry to say that I'm doing well on my vacation and enjoying the break from the scales!

Thankfully, I've been able to eat quite healthily here...I'm on a tropical island and the main staples are fish, fruit, and rice. There isn't even good ice cream! But I guess that's a good thing. And I found a neat cafe that makes excellent salads and veggie dishes, so I'm trying to be as good as possible.

Most of my day is spent on the beach or snorkeling in the ocean, so I'm really living it up! I don't feel quite as fat as I did when I left, but maybe that's partly due to the fact that I can't weigh myself every day, so ignorance is bliss!

Anyway, I'm missing all of you and am looking forward to catching up on your entries when I return!!

jolt on 01/31/2006:
Glad you are having a great vacation! Can't wait to hear all about it.... Good work on the eating healthy, and snorkeling wow great exercise.



liza36 on 01/31/2006:
I'm glad you found a few minutes to post. Your vacation sounds so wonderful-beaches, snorkeling, good food. Have a great time, as I know you are! Can't wait to hear all about it when you return.

geevee on 02/01/2006:
A few stressfree days away from the scale can do wonders, I'm sure. Relax, enjoy, and gobble up those veggies and salads, fish and fruit.

Runner - Friday Jan 27, 2006
(Under 1600 calories)
Weight: 121.0

Thanks, friends, for your caring comments. I only have a minute to update my entry, as I'm frantically trying to get everything ready for my trip.

Today was a weird day. It was the first day of my vacation and I literally spent the whole day either exercising or eating. Now that I look back on it, I feel like it was a complete waste of my time, as I'm trying to get everything packed tonight!

I had a great workout in the morning but then went to a famous "food" street that is always very chaotic and fun during Chinese New Year. Needless to say, the vendors were all passing out free samples and I ended up eating my lunch, snack, and dinner in all those free samples! (i'm still too stuffed to eat anything else)

I don't know why the food seemed so heavy, but it was a lot of stuff like beef jerky, dried fruit, etc.

My most depressing moment of the day came when I lugged out my box of summer clothes only to realize that most of my shorts don't fit anymore. A 10-lb. gain will do that to you, I guess! My legs literally look swollen. I'm NOT looking forward to wearing a bathing suit at the moment! (And to think I used to be so proud of my body).

I don't care if some people would give their left arm to be 121 pounds. I still feel fat, and that's the bottom line.

I hope I have a better outlook when I come back from vacation! I doubt I'll have Internet access there, so I'll miss this website terribly! But maybe I can find an Internet Cafe somewhere...I hope so!

Here's to a week filled with smart eating, relaxation, and moderate exercise!

sweetpea1977 on 01/27/2006:
Hey Runner,

The chaotic and fun "food" street sounds like a lot of fun. I wouldn't dare miss out on it either! :o)

I will say that I have no desire to be in the 120's...Im too tall for that. :o) But, this doesnt mean I dont understand your frustration. A person dealing with an extra 10 pounds over their lowest weight is very frustrating!! (I know I would feel the same way if I ever made it in the high 130's!).

We all deal with frustrations of all sorts - it is life's way of testing our inner strengh. Guess what my frustration is? Me sitting on a 3 month plateau, 7 pounds away from my first goal! I haven't even reached the goal I set for last year, so how in the world am I going to reach this year's goal of 145? Seems so far away. There are days in which I feel that I failed myself horribly. And feeling like a failure makes me feel depressed and worthless and I hate that more than anything! Other days, I realize that I did just the opposite (I succeeded!!). I have saved myself from a life of obesity and probably added YEARS to my life. So, after making this realization, I suck it up (my self-doubt) and move on. There's no point for me to focus on that when I got so many other (good) things to "worry" about. I have a wonderful family, great friends, and an overall good life!

Anyway, the best I can do right now is continue with the good eating habits and stay active. I havent give up (though there are days when I really want to!), because my body deserves the best treatment (healthy foods and exercise) possible. And if I am meant to lose more weight, then it will happen when the time is right.

If I were on vacation for a week, I would leave the internet alone. This is your time of escape and relaxation. Sure, we will miss ya (I know I will!), but you can always fill us in when you get back! :o)

Have fun. You deserve it!


becca27 on 01/27/2006:
Hi Runner! I hope that you had a wonderful vacation. You're right - I would give my left arm to weigh 121 and nope, you shouldn't care! We all fight our own private war with where we are and want to be. Relax - Eat Smart - and have fun with your exercise!

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