- Thursday Sep 30, 2004
I am in a real slump with food. I don't know why I've felt so compelled to just eat everything in sight this week, but I'm pretty disgusted with myself.
Ever since the Japanese buffet on Tuesday, I've felt slightly out-of-control around food. Wednesday night, I managed to knock off two rich cookies and a pudding dessert before bedtime. But it gets worse.
Today, I was taken out to lunch by two of my students. I never, ever go out for Italian food, but they had already made reservations. Overall, the meal was okay. Since we all shared 3 big plates of pasta, I managed to pick out the seafood and veggies, but still ate some of the cream sauce on the noodles because I couldn't just ignore the noodles completely. That would have been an insult to them. I don't think I've EVER ordered creamy noodles before. One of the dishes had a tomato sauce, so I tried to eat mostly from that one.
Anyway, I did okay with lunch...but then my student gave me 6 Chinese famous treats...they're kinda like a buttery biscuit filled with a sweet filling. Now, usually I really dislike Chinese desserts. But I tend to like things with sweet fillings, and for some reason, I wanted to try one after lunch. (After they left)
SO...like a true food-addict, I managed to consume 3 of those buttery, fattening bisquits in the span of about 5 minutes...as I was heading home to brush my teeth, for crying out loud! Then, as if that wasn't enough, I went into my kitchen and scraped out the filling of the other 3 bisquits and threw the pasty part away!
Pathetic! That is utterly pathetic. It's not only a waste of good food, it shows a complete lack of control! I am sickened at myself.
My fingers still smell like butter. Isn't it crazy? I don't even LIKE buttery bisquits that much...but for some reason, the filling of these things kept me eating them...until they were all gone.
This behavior is unacceptable. This is the type of thing that I did when I was visiting a therapist for my crazy obsessions with food. I have slipped a lot this week, and I'm not sure why. Stress? Maybe. But that should be no excuse.
My stomach hurts, I'm way over my calorie limit for the day, and I'm sitting at my desk, unable to concentrate on work.
Why does food exert such control over my life? This is ridiculous. I need a reality check and I need to get BACK ON TRACK.
Or my 113.5 pounds will go right back up to where it was several months ago! I'll be knocking on the door of 120 and feeling miserable.
Tomorrow, I am going to have a better, more positive entry. I need a positive entry. It's been too long since I've had a really good day....
- Tuesday Sep 28, 2004
Well, a pound and a half "gain" isn't too bad...even though I'm disappointed that all my exercise couldn't just wipe away the damage...but maybe this gain is temporary, too. I fluctuate so much that I just can't tell anymore! But Becca27 is right...after eating out at a buffet, I get that "I want to binge on lots of food" desire out of my system for awhile! And I'm even more motivated than ever to eat less and move more.
I was supposed to go out to lunch today with a friend, but I invited her to my house instead. That way, we can eat salads, cottage cheese, and fruit. If that's not enough for her, she can have a sandwich. But eating at home allows me to eat my own food, and I totally prefer that to eating out.
- Tuesday Sep 28, 2004
I'm enjoying being back at 112...for at least one day! :) The "weight gain" yesterday was definitely water retention, but if I don't gain at least something from today, I'll be quite shocked!
I went to the Japanese buffet today, and even though I tried to make smart selections with what I ate, I still walked away very full. I enjoyed the sushi, grilled veggies, and soup very much, but I also helped myself to some rice and cold noodles, a big serving of ice cream and hot fudge sauce, 2 mini cakes, and some dim sum. Not to mention several bites of fried foods (tempura) that I couldn't resist. I think the dessert probably racked up at least 600 calories. I just love hot fudge sauce!
It's crazy, but when I'm paying $20 to eat, I always feel the need to eat my money's worth! SO I probably did just that.
My only consolation is that because today was a holiday, I had enough time to do a long run this morning, and I managed an hour and a half. That had to burn a few calories! Then I ate a small bowl of cereal and had the buffet for a late lunch. After the buffet, I went on an almost 2-hour hike with my husband, so I had a total of 3 1/2 hours of exercise today. I haven't eaten anything yet, and I only plan to have a little snack before bedtime.
So even though I overdid it for lunch, I'm hoping that all the exercise will help me out. When I do eat big meals, I prefer to eat them early in the day so I have the rest of the day to stay active. I hate going to bed feeling really full! Ugh!
But I also don't like the feeling of having my stomach stretched out so much after a big meal...and feeling so bloated! So I'm glad these types of meals are few and far in between!
The rest of the week should be easier...I hope!
- Monday Sep 27, 2004
I'm back to 114, so I know for sure that my weight fluctuates easily. Unfortunately, I didn't make very smart choices with my dinner last night. My Chinese friends took us to a wonderful dim sum restaurant, and the food was very good...not very greasy at all. But steamed dumplings are still full of calories, and I probably had 8-10 different kinds of dim sum. I also dunked everything in soy sauce, so I was a bit bloated this morning when I woke up!
I shouldn't have weighed myself, but I did...and I guess I should be glad it wasn't worse. However, it's still discouraging to see the two pounds come back so easily.
I've done well today, though. I had to be gone for lunch and knew that I would be given a typical "Chinese lunch box" full of greasy food, so I packed my own lunch and enjoyed a high-fiber, low-fat, and filling lunch. It took an extra 15 minutes to prepare, but it was worth it.
Tomorrow is a big holiday, so it will be one more opportunity for me to over-indulge on food...I am dining out at a very nice Japanese restaurant. (all-you-can-eat sushi) I absolutely love sushi, but it's hard not to overeat when there are incredible food choices everywhere! And they even have the famous Movenpick ice cream! Heaven help me! Temptation is everywhere!
I plan to go for a very long run in the morning, eat just a tiny bit of breakfast, enjoy the sushi buffet for lunch, and then go for a long hike in the afternoon.
Why is dieting so hard? Why do I have to think about it so much? The people I dined with last night just ate whatever they wanted...they didn't care if it was deep fried or not. And even though I didn't eat the deep fried stuff, I still ate too much. It's discouraging sometimes. I will never fully enjoy a meal out, ever. I don't think it's possible. But I do fully enjoy being 114 pounds, so I guess that's the tradeoff. It's better than being 152 pounds! I will NEVER get up to that weight again. (I hope not, anyway!)
*********** UPDATE---I just had dinner and was doing fine until dessert. And then I just gave in to the temptation to eat some sweets and ate a bunch of junk I didn't even want!
It started with a small red bean mooncake...those dumb mooncakes that really don't taste good at all. And red bean? I can't believe I ate it! I think it's because I warmed it up in the microwave so it tasted better...like a fresh pastry. Of course, now it's sitting like a rock in my stomach!
Then I managed to eat a small brownie with some peanut butter and finished my little sugar-binge off with 3 tbsp. of marshmallow cream and a spoonful of Heath bits.
Ugh! What got into me?
I enjoyed a nice, healthy dinner and then lost it. It was another one of those "800 calories in 5 minutes" binges.
I'm writing it down, feeling rather ashamed, in the hopes that a little accountability will keep me from doing it again.
- Sunday Sep 26, 2004
I just had to post today because I somehow "lost" two pounds since Friday. The weekends are always good to me! Why? I'm not quite sure...I think it's a combination of getting more sleep and eating less. I usually eat less on the weekends for some reason. I think I also get more exercise since I have more time for a "long run." Whenever I run for more than an hour, my appetite is pretty low for most of the day....crazy, but true.
I did indulge in some good butterscotch pudding (sugar free) with some chopped Heath bits mixed into it...oh, yum!
But I know that my "loss" will likely disappear by Wednesday. I am dining out tonight, too, so I'm sure that will pose some sort of challenge. I'm at the mercy of my Chinese hosts, so I will likely have little say in what I order. Here, everything is done "family style," so people rarely order their own dishes. We all share everything. And since my Chinese is terrible, I don't bother to try ordering a dish...someone else always orders.
I'm looking forward to a good week, but it does have its challenges. I have several meals out or with friends, but at least I'm starting the week off at a lower weight than I ended it!
- Thursday Sep 23, 2004
Last night I had dinner at a friend's house. She served meatloaf, noodles, chicken wings, real ice cream, and warm chocolate chip cookies. Everything was so good, and none of it is stuff that I eat on a regular basis. I haven't had meatloaf in years, and I never eat noodles. (too starchy) And chicken wings? I've probably had 5 whole chicken wings in my whole life.
So even though I tried to just eat enough to be polite, I still felt guilty afterwards. It all tasted really good. But even though I was careful the whole day and got extra exercise, my weight was still at 114 today. I just can't eat like that and lose weight. It's impossible, even if I exercise!
Being invited over to someone's house is so tricky, though...I never want to be rude, but I feel stupid when I take small servings, too. Especially since most people think I need to eat more. (since they weigh more than I do)
Anyway...I hope the scale is nicer to me this weekend. It's totally unfair that I can gain weight so easily...I wish I would have never seen the number "111" on Sunday. That gave me a false sense of hope that I had actually lost a couple of pounds.
If I ever stopped exercising, I don't know what would happen to my weight. I usually eat between 1700-2000 calories every day, but maybe I should try to keep it around 1500. I just know that with training for a race, I have to make sure I have enough carbs and protein in my body so I can perform well.
- Wednesday Sep 22, 2004
Wow, I feel so blessed! Thanks to all of you who left such encouraging, thoughtful, insightful, and helpful comments on my entry! I really appreciate your kindness...the support here is wonderful.
I wish I could say that the scale was back to 113 today, but it's not. However, I made smart choices yesterday with food, so I have nothing to be ashamed about. I even made a HUGE "death by Chocolate" cake for our staff birthday party and only had a tiny piece of it. People were lined up for seconds before I could even take one bite!
I'm going to have another doctor's appointment soon about my wacky menstrual cycle. I'm on my fourth doctor already since I've moved quite a bit in the last few years. All of them say the same thing...and I did have a significant amount of bone loss several years ago when my period first stopped. But after I took some bone-building drugs (stuff for menopausal women!), started lifting more weights, went on birth control, and made sure I got enough calcium, my bone density has increased.
I guess it's just hard because a lot of doctors don't think that being this thin is important...they say it's more important to be at a body weight that will "jump start" my period. Well, selfishly, I will stay at this body weight for as long as I can. I've worked hard enough to get here, I don't look like a skeleton, and I like how my clothes fit!
Anyway...I'm going to a friend's for dinner tonight, so I hope she doesn't serve a highly-caloric meal. She has a taste for rich food...and when I've been to her place before, it's hard to resist all the goodies that I don't normally buy.
Geevee...I hope you're right---I hope my body is hanging on to these stubborn two pounds because it's resisting a loss that will take place soon!
On another food-related note, Mid-Autumn Festival starts next week, so everyone is eating the traditional Moon Cakes. Those things are packed with lard or butter and have hundreds of calories...although some of them are gross and full of cooked egg yolks, a few of them taste pretty good, so it's hard not to eat them when they're everywhere! I just got another box of them today from some students. They're expensive, sweet, and probably deadly. (to the dieter)
I'm going to just give them away or eat a small bite of each flavor...and then give them to my husband to finish. He can handle the extra calories, but I can't.
- Tuesday Sep 21, 2004
I tell you, scale fluctuations are so crazy! How could I be 114 today, when I was 111 on Sunday? I ate pretty well yesterday...and got plenty of exercise! So this is weird. Maybe I'm retaining water for some reason...I do feel bloated.
I really am content at 114...I never thought I would get there. But once I've seen the scale go down, it's so easy to get all excited about losing more. I really don't want to become obsessive about it...I know that my body shouldn't go under 110 pounds.
One thing that concerns me is my lack of periods. I've been told it's due to too much running and "low body fat" or something like that (my body fat is at least 20%), but I get upset whenever someone (especially a doctor) suggests that I put on a few pounds.
Don't they know how hard it is for me to maintain this weight? I've worked so hard to lose 40 pounds...why would I just want to gain back the weight when I feel GOOD? I like feeling thin! Is that wrong? It shouldn't be! I'm healthier than I've ever been...and stronger, too!
But I am concerned about my periods...they have all but disappeared...and trust me, I know enough about bone loss and osteoporosis and losing estrogen...I don't need any more lectures about all that stuff! I've been to doctors, had bone density scans, taken estrogen pills, been put on birth control, etc.
But the fact remains that the doctors think I don't weigh enough. So if I ever want to have children (and I'm only a few years away from being 30), I need to get serious about getting my menstrual cycle on track.
But that means I might have to gain some weight. And it's hard enough for me to see the scale move up two pounds in two days...when that happens, I kick myself back into high-gear and try to get back to where I was.
I don't know why I wrote about all this today...it's kind of personal stuff, I know. But I feel like some of you will understand...and you won't be the ones who just tell me to gain weight because it's "good for me." You understand the struggles I go through on a daily basis with food. You know how hard it is to lose weight and keep it off. And since I've kept it off for 6 years and built up an iron will to remain thin, the last thing I want to hear is that I need to gain some weight.
It's too easy for me to gain weight! The last three days proves that! What if I start gaining and can't stop??????
- Monday Sep 20, 2004
The weekend bliss is over. (sigh) I actually saw the number "111" on Sunday. I was so startled that I stepped off the scale, stood on it again, and saw 111. Then I picked up my 15-pound dumbbell, stood on the scale again, and saw 126. So I was really 111!
But today I'm back up to 113. (sigh)
I did have some candy, cake and a cookie yesterday, but I got in my workout plus a 45-minute hike and I also lifted weights. My dinner was low-cal, but those dumb sweets kill me every time. I was craving sweets because I'm rather stressed at work. My hubby and I may have to move to another part of the island...we just found this out. Living overseas is already a challenge, but now we may have to uproot and move to another city where even less people speak English. So I probably ate an extra 500-800 calories of complete junk yesterday, and I guess my exercise just wasn't enough to get rid of the extra calories and carbs.
Anyway...I've vowed to do better today. I have to bake the big birthday cake tonight, but I won't be able to dig into it since that would be completely unprofessional! So hopefully the cake will be perfect and intact when I serve it tomorrow...
- Sunday Sep 19, 2004
Saturdays are always good weigh-in days. I think it's because I often eat less Friday nights due to my work schedule (I usually eat early dinners and a small snack before bed), and then I get more sleep, which allows my food to digest well before I weigh myself Saturday morning. Anyway, I'm usually down a pound, so that's always encouraging! (By Wed., I'm usually up a pound or two, so my joy is often short-lived!)
Anyway, I'm in charge of baking a chocolate cake for a very large group of people...and I want it to be perfect. So in the excuse of needing to practice several recipes, I've been baking a bit. So far, I've done okay, but I currently have a small cake in the oven as "tester," which is precisely why I'm writing in my diary at the moment! I just brushed my teeth, so I still have the minty flavor in my mouth, so that keeps me from wanting to devour the cake when it's done. Instead of just ripping into it, I'm going to cut myself a small piece, set it aside, stick the rest of it in the freezer, and go for a hike!
Now that I've put it all in writing, I hope it helps me stay disciplined. It would be really nice to maintain my current weight, and I don't need to blow it by consuming 1000 calories of cake that I don't really want anyway.