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Runner - Sunday Oct 05, 2003

Weight: 119.0

I tried to buy a scale today. It's been over 2 months since I've had one, so weighing myself has been very sporadic. And probably somewhat inaccurate at times. So I spent a lot of money on what looked like a quality scale...and found out that it was way off. It was one of those electric ones that give you specific digits in three different categories- pounds, kilograms, and stones. (What are stones???) Anyway, it doesn't work. It said three different numbers each time I tried it, and NONE of them were even close! It's a piece of junk.

Honestly, I am so disappointed.

So, I'll try to take it back, but returning items in a foreign country isn't very easy.

Hmmmm....maybe I'll just get a very cheap scale. I need one, though. It helps me stay disciplined. It also gives me headaches and frustrating mornings, but I need the discipline of knowing that I just can't eat whatever I want.

breakaway on 10/05/2003:
Maybe it's a special scale and you need a degree in scale reading to read it lol. Some scales are so impossible! Goodluck finding one.

Just wanted to tell you that you have been doing such a great job at being here and keeping your journal up to date! Good for you. Super job!!! Keep it up.

Scruffy on 10/06/2003:
Scruff was here :-)

Runner - Wednesday Oct 01, 2003

Weight: 119.0

Thanks to those of you who commented on my diary! I really appreciate the encouragement and suggestions. It's nice to know that I can be honest about an issue and not be criticized for my feelings.

I was supposed to go out for lunch today with a friend, but I asked if she'd like to come over instead for salad and fruit and healthy stuff. She loved the idea! So I'm glad I bought lots of fresh veggies last night...a healthy lunch is so much better than the greasy fried food here!

One thing I need to cut back on is bedtime snacks. I like to eat something before I go to bed, because I think it helps me sleep better, but I often end up eating more than I'd planned...like 300 calories more. Last night, I had half a protein shake (with a banana and Oreo and small amount of p.b. added to it), and then I had some cereal and milk! I didn't need all of that. But once I get going, it's hard to stop.

So I want to keep my "bedtime snacks" to 150 calories or less. Hopefully I can learn to go without my snacks if I'm not hungry!

Scruffy on 10/02/2003:
Scruff was here :-)

Runner - Wednesday Oct 01, 2003

Weight: 120.0

My weight IS up. I shouldn't be surprised. But yesterday and today have been better days. I did have a piece of cake today, but I also ran 6 miles, so I think I'll be okay. I still don't know how I gain weight so easily, though, with my workout schedule. I don't lift weights more than once a week now, though, and I used to lift daily. It's just too hard to get to a gym around here.

Okay, I have something I need to get off my chest. My co-worker who is claiming she is "not on a diet," but writes down everything she puts in her mouth and limits herself to very little food just came in to work at 4pm and said that she was "so hungry" because she "forgot her breakfast at home." Well, she was gone all day for business, so she basically hasn't eaten all day. I offered her a granola bar, which she took gladly, but I couldn't resist asking, "Didn't you get served lunch?" Her response: "I was too nervous to eat." What??? I don't ever recall being too nervous to eat...especially if I hadn't eaten breakfast! Is she TRYING to eat under 500 calories a day or something? This really bugs me. Her behavior bugs me. I think it's because I feel competitive with her. I enjoyed the piece of cake while she refused lunch. But her approach is not healthy. Not at all. I just have this intense desire to confront her on the issue. To let her know that I can see through her little "schemes." Because I can be a schemer myself! I know her tricks! And for some reason, I want her to know that I can see through her!

Of course, maybe she can see through me, too. But I wish I could just get these issues OUT IN THE OPEN.

Is this a weird problem, or can anyone relate?

pezzy34 on 10/01/2003:
Oh I can SO relate! I worked with a girl that we will call Glenda (because that is her name.... she deserves no anonimity here.. HA!) and she was a woman I was forced to work with one on one on a regular basis. Well, she began the competition because at first I didn't feel competitive towards her one bit! As a matter of fact I was working my butt off (I'd already lost 80 pounds when I began working there) and completely absorbed into my own thing. She was a fairly large woman and obviously larger than me at the time. She would say things like "if you work hard enough you can be as small as me someday" and made constant comments about how she weighed 140 (maybe just her legs!). She just BUGGED me so much!!! I wanted her to remain fat so badly and I had the most awful thoughts about her on a daily basis. It kept me going though, but it was rough because I began feeling so competitive that I wanted to starve myself and other crazy things just to be the winner. So one day I went to our district manager and said that I had an issue with Glenda and maybe we could all sit down and talk it out. So, I did this and I was totally heart felt. It got REALLY ugly after that because any little thing she did such as using the last of an office supply and forgetting to log it she would say "uh oh, I have to remember or Jenni will tell on me" Needless to say we ended up moving and I was THRILLED to quit that job. She still gets under my skin when I think about her, so yes.... I can relate. :)

Question though.... since you are a runner do you have any advice for someone looking to begin running? I've NEVER done it before (except for maybe running to the store for twinkies years ago) and I would really like to be able to go on runs with my husband. I can walk all over the place because I used to train for marathons, but running uses all new muscle groups and my shoes are designed for walking. Any tips? Thanks! Love, Jenni

starlight on 10/01/2003:
Do you find you are comptetive in most things in life? It is a safe bet that you are. You need to think about exactly what you are feeling. Are you jealous? Is she thinnner than you? bigger, the same? Is she losing weight faster? If she is, at least you know she is NOT doing it the healthy way. So if you are looking at it as a competition, In my opinion, you are winning. You are losing weight, and you're doing it the healthier way. Her approach may not be heathy but it doesnt seem as though you are concerned with her health. Its like she gets to lose weight by cheating, while the rest of us have to do it the painfully slow way. But, it is the best way. It sounds like she may be annorexic. It is definitely possible to be too nervous to eat. Even when you are hungry. I normally eat nothing all day until I get home at night. The past couple days I have been pretty nervous and I can't eat. I would get sick if I did. So, yes it is possible, likely with this girl? Probably not. It sounds like she's TRYING to be anorexic and maybe just cant do it.

phocust on 10/01/2003:
I completely know what you're talking about! Many of my friends are in the modeling industry and even as close of friends as we are - they still put up this front like they're not on a diet. They eat maybe 2 times per day, work out like crazy, use pills, and still act all innocent when I show that I'm "on to them." Yet, it's strange because they totally enjoy this attention that they get from people who exclaim "Oh no, you've only had an apple today?! But you're so thin, you need more calories!" And they toughly say "oh I've been so busy I haven't even thought about it -" Yeah right.

So, I've just given up on Giving Them what They want -- attention. I act like I don't even care that they don't eat, do pills, etc. I don't talk about it anymore either. This kills them! They start to talk about it and I just reply "oh really."

Don't get me wrong, they can be sweet and fun sometimes... but most of the time they just drive me mad.

Good luck!

Runner - Monday Sep 29, 2003

Weight: 118.0

I haven't weighed myself today. I don't want to. I really had a bad eating day yesterday. It started at lunch when I got into the peanut butter and just kept eating spoonfulls. And then I decided to make homemade granola bars for my co-workers, and they turned out a little dry. So I started eating them, without even tasting them, because I was so frustrated. For some strange reason, I tend to overeat when I "mess up" a dessert or something else I've tried to bake. It's like I can't deal with failing...so I keep eating and trying to rationalize that no one will eat them, so I'd better eat them. Anyway, after about 5 or 6 bars, I just threw them all in the trash. I'd had it. And then I felt sick and frustrated and ashamed that I slipped back into an old habit.

I realized yesterday how very weak I am. I need accountability...I need to set goals. I need to quit thinking that I am so strong, because I'm not. ANd I need to realize that I still have a problem...just when I think I've "kicked the problem," it returns full force.

I just want to eat normally. I'm such a contradiction sometimes! I avoid eating out with friends because I don't want to eat the "greasy food" they consume, and then I stay home and eat peanut butter and chocolate chips. Ironically, I eat less when I'm out with people...I seem to have more self-control! I just lose it when I'm by myself in my own kitchen.

Today is a new day. I'm going to do well. No extras.

breakaway on 09/30/2003:
I'm the same way you are...I eat better when I'm with freinds because I don't want them to think I'm a pig so I eat really well. Don't worry, you will get this all under control! Your strong and you have so much to look forward to! You can do it! Were all here for you!

Runner - Thursday Sep 25, 2003

Weight: 118.0

I can't read the food labels well here...for some reason, they don't do serving sizes like we do in America. Instead of showing the number of calories per serving, and knowing how many servings are in the package, they make EVERY single serving the same thing! 100 grams or something like that. Or 100 mL. Everything is measured in terms of the number 100. So, for example, I was checking the back of a cereal box, and for their serving of 100 g or mg or whatever it was, the calorie total was over 400! Basically, I have to figure out what their unit of measurement is (it's usually about 1/2 cup or something), and then try to figure out what the weight of the total product is so I can do the division myself and find out how many servings are in the product. Have I confused you yet? Because it sure confuses me!!! It makes life more difficult, and I don't bother even trying to figure it out sometimes.

Anyway, I found some "low fat" cheese, but just reading the label like we do in American makes it look like the cheese is full of fat! However, when I realized that their "serving" was 6 pieces of cheese, then I had to divide the number of calories by 6! It just takes more work on my part. At least I've learned to recognize the Chinese character for "fat." I can spot that one a mile away!

(Although I've already learned that mistakes are often made on labels...sometimes it's utterly ridiculous how they goof it up when they try to write it in English!)

breakaway on 09/26/2003:
Let's just say I'm glad I don't live there! lol

Breakaway was here :D

curlsncuffs on 09/26/2003:
Oh, Runner - you have a time of it. I have to admit I'm glad its not me! You take it in stride though. Are you there for your job? How do you like it there! Besides the food labels? Of all the things to have to do - read food labels. See if www.fitday.com will help you.

legcramp on 09/26/2003:
That IS really confusing.....i'm sure it's quite the challenge for you to stay aware of what you're eating. It's good to hear that you're not going to give up! Have a great weekend!

legcramp ;)

Runner - Wednesday Sep 24, 2003

Weight: 119.0

Those two pounds are back. But I had a REALLY salty meal last night...way too much soy sauce and other salty sauces. Eating out in an Asian country means eating a ton of salt. So maybe I am bloated. I don't know. I know that I ate too much...but I'm doing okay today.

Still feeling a bit competitive with the friend who doesn't seem to eat much at all. When she eats only a hardboiled egg and granola bar for her breakfast AND lunch, I just feel like a royal pig. I eat so much more than she does. And it makes me feel guilty to enjoy my meals, even if they are healthy!

She probably has a slower metabolism. I just can't survive on 200 calories or so before dinnertime. I eat around 1000 calories by that time.

breakaway on 09/24/2003:
You know what..it really does help your metabolism when you eat breakfast so don't stop doing that! Just know that you are doing it the right way. It's best to eat most of your calories in the am and less at night. You will get there! Your doing great! Oh and to get rid of that bloated feeling of eating to much salty things drink your water! WATER, WATER, and MORE WATER!

legcramp on 09/24/2003:
I wouldn't feel too competitive with your friend. You're eating much healthier than she is, and i'm sure you're much stronger because of it!!!

Keep up the good work!

Runner - Monday Sep 22, 2003

Weight: 117.0

Well, I'm two pounds lighter on the scale, but since I have to weigh myself in the middle of the day with my shoes on at the moment, I'm not putting too much faith in those numbers. I still have yet to get my own scale...they all seem so cheap and unreliable here! (not to mention, they're in kilograms)

This weekend was a bit rough at times...my in-laws are here, and I feel like I have to go out of my way to cook good meals for them. And we're having company tonight for dinner, too. So I usually end up eating more than normal when we have guests.

I splurged on a McDonald's hot fudge sundae last night. Man, at least we have those here! Sometimes I just need something sweet.

breakaway on 09/22/2003:
Great job on the weight loss. I think your doing great! A sundae every now and again won't hurt us. We just have to make room for it in our menu! Keep up the good work. GOod luck with your company. I made it throhgh my company and so can you!

Scruffy on 09/22/2003:
Scruff was here :-)

Runner - Friday Sep 19, 2003

Weight: 119.0

Okay, the scale in the mail room put me at 119 today. Nothing is too accurate around here, but I shouldn't be surprised that my weight is up a bit. I've been baking up a storm...and sampling too many of my treats! Somehow I've gained the reputation as a good cook here...and I LOVE to entertain and bake for people. So I've made a cake, cookies, rice pudding, and other snacks for my co-workers this week. And with that has come a lot of extra calories. Ugh. I don't think about what I'm eating when I'm licking the spoon and bowl after I'm done making no-bake cookies. I don't think about how many extra calories I consume when I "just try one or two" pieces of cake "just to see how they turned out." And the calories add up. I know my weaknesses, and baking is just too dangerous for me most of the time. I need to be careful, or I'll slip back into destructive patterns and start to binge on a regular basis. HEADS UP, RUNNER! Be careful.

breakaway on 09/19/2003:
WOW I'm glad YOur not here in my house! I bet they all apreiciate the treats, they sound so good. Well, the only thing I can sugges is that you stay away from those stores so you can't buy the ingredients for these things. And when you do get to the store be sre to stay out of the baking isle! Good luck to you! Have a great day. Just keep remembering that if you continue to have taste tests you will continue to gain weight.

legcramp on 09/19/2003:
it's almost an unconscious thing to lick off a spoon that's covered in sugar and chocolate and.......i'd better stop typing that or i'll short out my keyboard with all the drool!!!!!

get back on track and have a wonderful weekend!!!

starlight on 09/19/2003:
I just read one of your previous entries. You had said there was this girl who was losing weight that you kind of feld challenged by. Last year me and a friend of mine were working ou together every night, and being supportive of eachother and whatnot. It really helped. Anyway, we wanted to get my rommate to do it with us, but she started doing it on her own, and lost weight SO FAST. She kind of thew it in our faces and it pissed us off that we could work out for months and do it the sensible way, but then she can work out for a couple weeks and lose more than we had combined. So I definitely know what that feels like. Even though this girl doesnt seem to be doing it on purpose like our friend was. I mean she was actually trying to make us feel bad. Thats how we took it anyway. You just reminded me of that. All I can say is, don;t judge your success by other people's. Why should I have felt bad just b/c she lost weight the unhealthy fast way and I was losing just 1 to 2 lbs a week. I just have to ask myself, who's going to be healthier in the ling run? Anyway thanks for listening, I was just reminded by what you said. Have a good day. Kim

Scruffy on 09/20/2003:
Those darn spoons...just waiting to be licked.

Runner - Tuesday Sep 16, 2003

Weight: 117.0

WEll, if I had lost a pound, I'm sure it's been gained back by now. Somehow I had a major sugar-attack yesterday, and I feel pretty yucky today because of it! It started with baking some low-fat chocolate brownie cookies. (My major weakness is brownies!) After eating quite a bit of the batter and two cookies, I decided to share them with the rest of the office. (Thankfully, they ate the rest of them!) Then, before bed, I had a McDonald's hot fudge sundae, and a lot of dried pineapples, which are just chock full of sugar! I also had some dried plums, and it was just too much sugar. It was SO not worth it...I hope I can remember how badly I felt this morning when I got up so I don't do that again.

breakaway on 09/16/2003:
Just ask us...we will remind you how you felt that next morning. Just remember that a day off isn't such a bad thing. You need one of those once in a while. Have a great day!

Scruffy on 09/17/2003:
breakaway rocks..you do need an open day to remember. so easy to forget what those choices do to us.

Runner - Monday Sep 15, 2003

Weight: 117.0

I think I actually lost a pound! I was able to weigh myself this morning when I came in to work...although I have to be sneaky about it! Here's why: the only accurate scale around is down in the mailroom, where they mail big packages and stuff. It's kinda like a weight-room scale, and it's accurate to the hundredth digit. Since the unit of measurement is in kilograms, I have to do some converting, but my numbers tell me that I lost one pound! Anyway, I have to step on the scale when no one is around or looking, or they'd think I'm weird. But if I can weigh myself at least once or twice a week, I think that will help me stay sane...so I don't freak out if I eat lard! :) (See previous entry)

Some of you are wondering why I moved to another country---my husband and I both got jobs here. We're quite adventurous in our travels, and we figured that the time to see the other part of the world was now, before I have kids!

legcramp on 09/16/2003:
Congrats on (maybe) losing a pound!!!!

Keep it up!

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