- Friday Mar 28, 2003
I didn't weigh myself today...I didn't want to, because I had four pieces of key lime pie last night. I totally set myself up for failure. That's one thing I need to learn not to do. I had a friend over for dinner and she brought a rich key lime pie. Well, I had two pieces for dessert, which was my first mistake. I only needed one. Then, she left the other four pieces with my husband and me, and since my husband went to play basketball, I was home alone with the pie. Around 9pm, I gave in to the temptation to have more and had two more pieces. I was afraid that I may eat the other two, so I shoved the down the disposal. But I still consumed over 1000 calories of pure sugar.
I was kinda disappointed in myself, since I'd been doing so well lately. I talked it over with my husband, and he's helping me not get down on myself but to realize that today is a new day. I didn't want to weigh myself in case it was up...I need to be careful the next few days since I'm trying to create a "calorie defecit."
Unfortunately, I have to make a cheesecake tonight for a birthday party tomorrow, and tomorrow I'm having a special day with my sister full of food and goodies. But I'm going to pray for self-control and discipline. I need it!
If my diaries sound negative, it's only because this is my outlet to get out all my feelings. Normally, I'm a very positive person, but when it comes to my weight, I can get easily discouraged with myself. I feel so much better after I write about it, though. Writing is a great outlet for me.
- Thursday Mar 27, 2003
Well, this whole "counting calories" thing has helped me stay disciplined, and I've had the best week of not bingeing in a looong time. Unfortunately, I haven't lost a pound...in fact, I've only gained more! I'm a bit discouraged, since I'm working so hard to cut my calories by about 400 every day...it's GOT to pay off soon! How could I not be losing at least a pound or two?
I think I ate around 1500 calories yesterday, and I ran 4 miles, walked 2 miles, and weightlifted, so I know that I burned at least 500 calories, too!!! I went to bed really proud that I had such a good day and then stepped on the scale. Bummer. I cried a bit to my husband...I just want to give up! But I'm slowly changing my weird eating habits and that's the important part. I just wish I could lose the three pounds I've put on recently!!!
I want to blame other things for the extra weight...I have a hard time thinking that I'm the one at fault. But I must be! However, I'd love to say that it's just water weight, too much salt, or "that time of the month" stuff. Maybe it's the extra fiber in my diet...I had high fiber cereal, a high fiber tortilla, lots of veggies, and popcorn yesterday. It filled me up, but maybe it's filling me out!!!
Oh, well. I only hope that a month from now, I'll not be writing the same things...that I'll be back to the weight I maintained for 5 years...that I can eat without regrets and not count every calorie...that I will find some freedom from the constant thoughts of food...that I can take a day off of vigorous exercise...that I realize what's REALLY important in life.
- Wednesday Mar 26, 2003
Well, whether it's water weight or something else, I'm not sure...but I'm back to 119. My joy at losing a pound was a bit short-lived, although I enjoyed it while it lasted!
I really need to heed the nutritionist's advice to cut my calories by 300-500 each day if I really want to lose a pound. I'm doing well at maintaining 119 pounds...I used to maintain 116 pounds, but I let myself just get out of control, and now I'm having trouble getting back to 116. I'm really doing better with my eating habits, especially at night, although I did have a moment of weakness with eating two spoonfuls of peanut butter yesterday. My husband wasn't home from work yet, and I thought I'd make his sandwich for work the next day...yeah, right. I just wanted to get out the peanut butter to have an excuse to have some!!!!!! From now on, he's going to make his own p.b. sandwiches, since I rarely can do it without consuming an extra 200 calories and 16 fat grams!
I've also got a workbook to go through that is supposed to help me understand my eating habits. Isn't it strange how eating is so psychological?
In the meantime, I'm enjoying the daily chapters in GoLightly's Diary...what a great writer! I thoroughly enjoy her contributions.
- Tuesday Mar 25, 2003
I met with the nutritionist/therapist yesterday, and she helped me understand the whole calorie in-calorie out process...and how my intake of just 500 extra calories a day can put on a pound in a week. She really made it easy to understand, and now I know why those little daily "sugar binges" have slowly added 7 pounds to my small frame.
I'm also learning how to think more positively about myself and my body. I am concerned with staying thin, but I also want to change the way I view food. I want eating to become less of a focus, and I feel like I'm on the right track. I've enjoyed reading other diaries of those who are losing weight and often struggling with it...you encourage me with your positive outlooks, humor, and blunt honesty!
I've found that writing down my thoughts helps me keep things in perspective.
Oh---I had a small accomplishment last night! I had told myself all day that I would take a break from eating ice cream before bed...and after fixing some for my husband, I fixed myself a bowl. Then I realized that I was not being true to my original commitment to myself, and I shoved my bowl down the garbage disposal. It was a rash thing to do, but I felt much better afterwards, and my husband congratulated me for staying strong.
I felt like it was worth it this morning when I finally dropped 1 pound! I've been waiting for that moment for awhile now...
- Monday Mar 24, 2003
I was REALLY hoping that I'd be encouraged when I stepped on the scale today since I've had two very good days. I've worked out both days for about 1 hr. and eaten at least several hundred less calories than normal. But there was no change. I really don't understand weight loss. Several years ago, I dropped 35 pounds after I had a thyroid problem, and the weight came off fairly easy. Now, I work out more, watch what I eat, and I still manage to put on a couple of pounds each month. I'm seeing the nutritionist today to find out what I'm doing wrong. My main diet is fruits, veggies, low-fat protein, and whole-grain carbs. I do include sugar at times, but I've really cut back lately. Why can't I lose weight?
- Saturday Mar 22, 2003
WEll, I made it through the Ponderosa dinner...still no change in my weight, but at least I didn't overdo it there! I'm still discouraged...I'm not losing weight at all, even though I exercise up to an hour a day and have cut my calories (most days) by a few hundred. I don't understand how some people can just eat whatever they want and never exercise and stay at the same weight! Maybe I have it all backwards...maybe I exercise too much or something! I know the most important thing is to be healthy. I just wish I had the metabolism of some people who never worry a lick about food!
- Friday Mar 21, 2003
Just when I think I'm doing well, I have a lapse.
I had a half day at work today, so I went home and thought I'd have a snack before leaving for Ponderosa. I had my healthy 200 or so calorie snack and then got into the ice cream... and my 200 calories turned into probably 700.
That's the LAST thing I need before going out to eat! I really need to be so disciplined tonight...now I feel like I can't fully enjoy my dinner! How discouraging.
It really is so psychological...because I wasn't even craving ice cream! I'm going to see the nutritionist on Monday again...I hope she can help me out a bit! Until then, I need to pray that I won't overdo it.
I decided to wear a pair of pants tonight that feel tighter and look tighter since I've put on the extra 7 pounds. And let me tell you, I sure do want to fit into them again! All my weight went to my thighs, butt, and stomach. It's kinda uncomfortable! Maybe it will help me not overeat tonight.
- Friday Mar 21, 2003
Well, I'm pleased to report that I had a good eating day yesterday! I allowed myself a small portion of frozen yogurt as a treat and a few jellybeans, but I didn't do any overeating, and I'm thankful for that! Tonight will be a big test...we're going to Ponderosa for our Drama cast party! I know I'll have to pray that I don't overeat! Buffets are soooo hard sometimes. (All the time!)
- Thursday Mar 20, 2003
I think today was a pivotal day for me. I read 120 on the scale again and felt terrible. I deserved it, though, because I overdid it last night before bed on ice cream, peanut butter, and cereal. I had a tearful chat with my husband this morning about how my "snacks" get too out-of-control and that the issue really isn't the food as much as it is trying to get away with something and then feeling guilty about it afterwards. I'm a Christian, and I haven't really trusted the Lord to help me through this, but I'm tired of fighting the battle on my own. I think the battle is engaging my mind just as much as my stomach...because I rarely overeat when I'm hungry. I do it out of boredom and when no one is looking. Food and my body have become "gods" to me, and I'm tired of serving those gods instead of my true Savior. I believe that my battle with food is also a spiritual battle, and so I'm praying that I will be released from it. If there are any other Christians out there who have trusted the Lord in this area, I would love to hear from you!
- Wednesday Mar 19, 2003
Well, I had to eat a late dinner last night, which I don't like, but I overdid it around 5:30pm on dried mangoes and cantalopes again and didn't feel like eating for awhile... I've been so disciplined around peanut butter lately, so that's a good thing. I still feel like I can't shed a pound, though. I seem to put it on and it sticks. Oh, well. I just want to not have to suck in my gut to fit in some of my favorite pants!!