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Runner - Friday Feb 21, 2003

Weight: 119.0

I wish I could report that I didn't lose it with the donuts yesterday, but I did. After school, I went in the lounge, and they were all just looking at me...and I ate the frosting off of several of them and threw the rest away. That is so wasteful and dumb to do. How do I begin to convince myself that one is enough? Why do I feel the need to eat more than one? I never feel better afterwards...only while I'm eating them does it "feel good." It's like I enjoy the feeling of getting away with something...and I waste food and consume excess calories in the process.

Today my pants felt really tight...I haven't had clothes feel tight on me for a long time. I've had a pretty good day eating-wise today, but the day's not over yet. At least I've stayed away from the peanut butter for the last two days.

I just wish I could get back to 116. I feel like I'm really stuck in a rut and I somehow allow food to control me instead of the other way around. I want to eat to live, not live to eat.

Runner - Thursday Feb 20, 2003

Weight: 118.0

Well, I thought I must have lost weight after my NYC trip since I didn't really have those "bingeing times" that I usually have at home and I was so active the whole time. I didn't get to weigh myself until this morning, though, and yesterday I had one of those peanut-butter fixes...so I put on whatever I probably lost!!! I also ate dinner late at night, though, so I may have been retaining a bit of water and salt. I'm really having a hard time right now...there are two huge boxes of my FAVORITE donuts in the teachers' lounge...I already had about a 1/2 donut, but I could eat waaay more than that. In fact, I could eat the frosting off of all the donuts without thinking twice about it if I let myself. Usually my hungriest time of the day is at 3:00pm, when I go grab my healthy snack from the lounge...those donuts will still be there, and I know that they'll look really, really good. I want to pass up the chance to pick at them and eat them in private, which is what I usually do. I want to be strong. I have to do this...I'm so tired of completely losing it when something yummy and "off-limits" is just calling my name. I enjoyed my 1/2 donut, and that should be enough. Why would 5 more donuts make me feel any better? They won't. So I'm writing this down now to help keep me accountable. I want to report tomorrow that I didn't give in to the urge to eat them all...I want to do what's good for me, and I have the snacks here that are good for me. I don't need donuts.

This is so hard for me.

pastagal on 02/20/2003:
I have to admit Donuts are something i can not let alone if they are bought and brought home to the house,,i was buying grocerys last weekend and went by the donuts shelf in the bakery where they make them fresh daily,,the smell got to me so bad,,i got as far as picking the bag up,,getting tissue paper and reaching for some to put in the bag,,stood there and thought,,what the hell am i doing,,i put the bag back and threw the tissue paper away and walked as fast a i could from that isle,,,if i had brought those home,,and i had in my mind said,i will ge these for hubby,,,ya sure,,like that is who i was getting them for,,anyway,i knew he didn't need them anymore than i did,so i know how hard it is,,,they are my all time downfall if i am anywhere near a donut,especially the kind with maple on them or the filled ones with the white creamy pudding,,OMG,,enough,anyway,,i was proud later for making a good choice;} Writing it down is a good start:}

Runner - Sunday Feb 16, 2003

Weight: 119.0

I'm on vacation, so I haven't been able to weight myself, which is probably a good thing. I get weary of contsantly analyzing the numbers on the scale.

I've eaten pretty well so far, which I'm happy about. I've had some fattier foods than normal, but I walked about 6 hours yesterday all over NYC, so I'm sure I burned off most of what I ate! Plus, I didn't have those "binging" moments that I often get when I'm home. I just ate at mealtimes, snacked once or twice, and was fine!

Today might be a bit harder to control what I eat. We're meeting a couple at a fancy restaurant for brunch, and I checked out the menu...not much looks low-fat! Actually, nothing looks low-fat! I'll just try to make a wise choice and be careful what I eat the rest of the day.

I think that all restuarants should have low-fat options on their menus...and be up-front about it! Don't other people care about fat and calories when they eat out? Some restaurants seem to thrive on marinating everything in rich sauces and frying all their dishes...I usually don' t even enjoy the taste of those foods...they're too rich! (Although desserts are a different story!)

Runner - Friday Feb 14, 2003

Weight: 119.0

For some reason, putting on weight just makes me want to eat more. I seem to lack self-control when I feel discouraged. I know that I probably put on water weight easily, but I tried getting into some jeans today that I hadn't put in in several months and I couldn't zip them up...they were so tight!!! I can honestly feel the 7 pounds that I've gained. And I've gained it all in my stomach and butt, so it directly affects how my clothes fit!!! I wish I weren't so hungry so often...I try to be careful with my calories, but I just lose it so easily! For example, I came home from school today and just gobbled up more peanut butter. Will I ever be satisfied with ONE tablespoon and not four? I can't believe that I went about 3 years without really eating peanut butter, and now I just can't seem to get enough of it. Has my willpower gone out the window?? Funny how I can pass up food in front of people but can totally lose it in the comfort and security of my own home.

Well, I'm off to NYC. My jeans feel tight, and I'm feeling a bit discouraged, but tomorrow is a new day! And my husband loves me very much...and it's Valentine's Day! So I'm going to keep my chin up and try not to keep thinking about food, weight, and how I feel. I'm tired of having my thoughts consumed with myself.

Runner - Friday Feb 14, 2003

Weight: 119.0

It was hard for me to type in 119 lbs. again this morning. I'm back up two pounds. (In one day? How does it happen so quickly????) Well, I deserve it, because I had about 4 servings of brownies with ice cream last night, and had some candy and "extras" after school yesterday. I am feeling a bit discouraged because I'm leaving with my husband for NYC tonight...and I'm afraid that I won't be able to enjoy the experience (at least eating) because I'm stressed about my weight. Whenever we take trips, it seems like we eat out more and try new things that are usually full of fat and calories. I'm really afraid of coming back and weighing myself on Tuesday and being 3 lbs. heavier...just like I was this past Tuesday after a weekend at home.

Does anyone know what it actually takes to put on a pound? I thought it was a couple thousand extra calories...and I KNOW that I didn't consume 4,000 calories extra between Wed. and Thursday! But why am I up two pounds?

Is it true that eating salt can make you heavier? I do love seasonings and use them liberally when I make veggies, soups, etc.

I wish I understood the relationship between calories, fat, and weight gain better. I think I need a nutritionist to inform me of my calorie-burn. I thought it was really high because I run pretty hard, but maybe it's not as high as I think it is.

pastagal on 02/14/2003:
For the scale to jump that quickly,its usually always water weight,don't let the scale take over your every thought,,go by how your clothes feel and you feel,,stay away from the scale and you will do alot better,,btw,how tall are you,119 is not alot of weight,anyway,,hope you have a good weekend.

Runner - Thursday Feb 13, 2003

Weight: 117.0

Somehow I am down one more pound...although I'm not sure how it happened, since I had a brownie/ ice cream binge last night! I bought some Light Edy's ice cream (which still racks up 4.5 grams of fat and 130 calories per half cup!) and made some brownies with the intention of taking a brownie-ice cream dessert to my church small group. Well, the ice cream didn't harden in time, so I ended up coming home and eating about 1/3 of the 8X8 inch pan! Then I felt sick afterward. It didn't help that my husband was away...he had to leave for Detroit for business at the last minute. I think that stressed me out a bit because it interrupted my "routine." I'm a person of routine, and I get thrown off if I don't always have things planned out. I appreciated Tigger's comment to me about seeing a nutritionist...I think I'll look into that. Wow. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one with weird habits about food. My husband is so "normal" that I tend to think I'm crazy! :)

august angel on 02/13/2003:
Just hang in there. Everybody stumbles once in a while (with me, it's <i>way</i> more than once in a while). Keep these words in mind:

You just can't beat the person who never gives up.

Tigger on 02/13/2003:
A nutritionist can definately help you get back under control. You are not alone at all. Hang in there. I know how hard and painful this is, but you can win.


Runner - Wednesday Feb 12, 2003

Weight: 118.0

Well, I was pleased to see that I dropped one pound and now am down to 118. It's still more than I've been in 4 1/2 years, but I know what I need to do to stay at this weight. I need to quit overeating when I'm stressed. I got into the peanut butter and had several spoonfulls yesterday after getting home, but other than that, I ate pretty well and was full. One thing I can't stand is being hungry. I used to think that I had some type of eating disorder, but I'm not anorexic (I love to eat too much) and I'm not bulemic (I could never throw up my food...yuck!). I guess I just exercise too much and have small "eating binges" once in awhile...is there a name for that kind of "disorder?" I definitely know that my behavior isn't normal at times. I mean, how often do mothers bake cookies and eat half of them??? I LOVE to bake and cook, but rarely do it because I'm afraid of overeating whatever I create!!! Anyway...just typing out my feelings is therapeutic. I feel better getting my thoughts out. I try to keep a journal, but I type much faster than I write, so this is easier.

Just out of curiosity...does anyone else out there ever "sneak" food when it seems like no one is looking? I know this probably sounds crazy, but sometimes I get a thrill out of eating junk food when no one else is around. For example, there might be a box of donuts in the teachers' lounge, and I'll just eat 3 of them when no one else is in the room! Or I'll take several frosted donuts and lick off all the frosting and throw the rest of the donut away! Is that odd or what? I just do weird things sometimes when food is available and no one else is around...it's like I want to get away with something! That type of behavior just seems abnormal, but I do it anyway.

Tigger on 02/12/2003:
You are not crazy. I used to get up in the middle of night and eat peanut butter by the spoonful while my partner slept. I have no idea what this was about but I did it almost every night. If your eating is out of control it is a disorder. I do not know the "official" name but it is a type of anxiety disorder which my doctor has called obsseive compulsive eating disorder(OCED). This is part of why I am on the Paxil. A lot of us sneak food or hide food and eat when no one is around. Some of us with OCED exercise for hours to get rid of the calories we are eating, some of us don't exercise at all and are overweight, some us never eat in front of people but will "sneak" an entire sheet cake when we are home alone. There are a lot of folks with OCED. You do not need to feel embarassed or ashamed, everyone with OCED does those "strange" things around food. I used to starve myself all day and then get home and eat everything I could find. You can get control of this. I have not gotten up out of bed and eatten spoonfuls of peanut butter for two weeks now. The steps are slow and they are small, but I promise with help you can learn to eat "normally" and still maintain a healthy weight.


Runner - Tuesday Feb 11, 2003

Weight: 119.0

I appreciate the helpful comments! Isn't it crazy how food and weight can play such an integral role in a person's self-confidence? I hope I don't have a moment of weakness tonight...I really want to just eat balanced meals and not over-do it.

Runner - Tuesday Feb 11, 2003

Weight: 119.0

I haven't struggled with my weight like this for a long time. I am a runner, and I consistently run for at least 35 minutes every day. I am very active and usually hungry several times a day. I used to eat very low-fat, but then I got married, and I find myself slipping up all the time. For example, peanut butter used to be banned from my diet except on rare occasions...now I can find myself eating it by the spoonful! It's like I can't get enough of it. I still eat pretty low-fat, but I lose it when I snack right after school (I'm a teacher) or at night. I can rationalize eating more now since I'm married and am cooking for two people. I thought I had a pretty fast metabolism, but I've put on 7 pounds in 7 months. I don't like my body anymore. I used to be so thin without an ounce of fat, and I can actually feel the 7 pounds. This morning I topped 119 pounds, which means that I gained three pounds in three days. Is that normal? I was only 116 lbs. on Saturday, but I had a big weekend of eating lots of sweets...I was home for my sister's engagement celebration, and then I did some baking myself. I really have a hard time just having one dessert...I can eat up to 4 or 5 cookies without even taking time to think about it! I really wish I didn't focus so much on food. Lots of people would love to be my size, but they don't realize how incredibly hard I work at staying this thin. I used to be 150 lbs. and lost over 30 lbs. I haven't taken a day off of exercise in at least 8 months. I get up at 5:15 am every morning to run in the rain, snow, sleet, whatever. I often lift weights in the morning and at night. And yet I've gained 7 pounds because I have too big of a sweet tooth. I need to learn self-control and I need to not make food my focus. I wish I had someone to talk to who is in my type of situation. I'm so discouraged over my body, and I know it's not a healthy attitutde.

pollyanna005 on 02/11/2003:
I think your anxiety about your weight is actually making you eat more sweets. Stress can do that to you. I completely understand wanting to keep your weight stable after working to lose those thirty pounds but relaxing a little might help. Maybe give yourself a window of 5-10 lbs that you can accept as just a daily flucuation of your weight. Then if you ever go over that window, you will know that it is time to change something to get back down. Good luck!

Tigger on 02/11/2003:
Hi there. You sound like me about five years ago. I was 107 pounds when I graduated from high school. I was in every sport concievable and on the weekends I would ride bike or hike. I ate everything, but then worked like a maniac to make sure I was still 107 pounds. I was a size 5/6 but I was determined to be a <i>size 0</i>! It was like I was obsessed. Well, after settling into a relationship all this caught up with me. I never learned portion control or how to manage my eating and I piled on the pounds when I no longer had the time to exercise four hours a day. I am now 200 pounds and I am slowly learning how to control my eating and how to exercise in moderation. I can tell you right now that you need help. You can be thin and still be unhealthy. You should not have to do the things to your body that you are doing. Please, as some one who has been there, do not let it get to the point where you have to chose between learning to take care of yourself or dying.


biscottibody59 on 02/11/2003:
Hi and welcome! First of all if you haven't taken a day off from exercise, give yourself a chance to do that. Obviously if you're gaining when you didn't for so long it won't hurt. I know how you might think if you give yourself one day then you might take three or five. Just commit to yourself that you are worth it--you're worth the break as well as the exercise. Just my opinion:-)

I applaud your ability to run every day. I started jogging back in July and it's no mean feat to accomplish this. I'm up to jogging 40 min about 10-12 days per month. The rest of the time I use a NordicTrack, weights, and an Airdyne bike. Good for You!

I also identify with your cookie binge. I bought one of those prepackaged Pillsbury dealies--I would rather make my own--but I thought I'd try it. I made 6 of them--I ate 6 of them with no hesitation. Since I've been more active regularly the last year or so--I find it so easy to rationalize this type of eating. I do better when I track with a software like the free site Fitday.com (and there are others). Maybe that would give you some idea of how many calories you are eating and just how much you can go over with the amount of exercise.

I applaud your previous weight loss too!

Hope you get some answers--meanwhile keep up the good work!

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