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Runner - Sunday Oct 29, 2006
(Under 1300 calories)
Weight: 116.0

Yesterday was hard. I think I was okay on the calories, but I indulged in some cake and candy, since I went to a special lunch at church.

Regardless of keeping my calories reasonable and getting far more exercise than the normal person, I still woke up feeling fat and frustrated.

I can't even fit into the pants I bought in May now. It's like my hips keep growing and growing...it's truly beyond me.

I am trying to eat almost all fruits and veggies and some protein, so what am I doing wrong? I'm not starving myself, but that's about the only option left.

I really, really miss cereal. I crave it. It seems like I should be able to eat a bowl of (healthy) cereal if I keep my calories low, but I think the carbs are just making me fatter.

Sorry to sound so discouraged...I just hate it that I can't wear most of my pants and now the weather is cool enough that I have to start wearing long pants...

borntocry on 10/30/2006:
Hi Runner!

I'm sorry - this is a mystery to me. If it's any consolation... most girls do have hips. Maybe the fact that you didn't have them before is what's not normal. I know it must be hard to get used to them, though. I've had fifteen years to get used to these 39-inchers! Yuck.

Thanks for the comment you left me, and the recipe. I was going to ask Umpqua if she had any because I remember her making spaghetti squash once. But yours sounds great! And we get low-fat feta here so I can use that. Thanks!

WorkingIt on 10/30/2006:
From your February 21st entry: "I just wish I could get back to 116."

From your March 3rd entry: "Yet I'm not going to live by those numbers on the scale...I know that I need to do what is right for my body and make good choices and not to worry if I'm "up one pound" and not to just relax if I'm "down one pound." "

From your March 8th Entry: "I'm actually 116 1/2 pounds right now! I honestly don't know how...last night after the play, I had a major fudge brownie/ ice cream dessert really late at night...and a bunch of jelly beans! But I'm not going to argue with the scale! :)"

From your March 12th entry: "Comment left by Runner on 03/12/2003: My goal weight is around 116 pounds."

From your March 26th entry: "I really need to heed the nutritionist's advice to cut my calories by 300-500 each day if I really want to lose a pound. I'm doing well at maintaining 119 pounds...I used to maintain 116 pounds, but I let myself just get out of control, and now I'm having trouble getting back to 116."

From your April 2nd entry (at 118lbs): "I'm so happy! I've had such good days lately, and I tried on my tight-fitting pants this morning and fit into them! "

From your April 9th entry: "I really appreciate the positive comments...some people may not understand why someone at my weight is concerned about "losing weight," but I think I can honestly say that my concern is for developing a healthy attitude about my weight and making healthy choices when I eat. I just don't want to be a silent food addict who sneaks around to eat, and even though I'm still "thin" in some people's eyes, I do need to work through my battles with food."

You were working so hard to get to 116 and yet when you reach 116, you aren't happy and nothing fits? If things were a little snug at 119lbs but totally don't fit at 116, I am confused. I know you talked about your issues with food, that you have a problem with binge eating and also read where you lost 35lbs after a thyroid condition was righted, I am wondering if your food issues have turned into body size issues as well. I read where you were going to a nutritionist for several appointments and that she had given you a workbook and advice on how many calories to cut and a bunch of good advice. I also read where you swore not to become a slave to the scale, several times, refusing to let the numbers bring you down, and even talked about smashing the scale...and yet you are still weighing every single day and wondering why you gained three pounds in two days and instead of ever thinking even once that it might be water-weight gain, you blame your body and yourself. You state over and over that your body is weird and can gain five pounds in two days and lose it in one. I am not trying to be harsh, I am simply reading back on your entries and wondering when 116lbs was no longer 'small' enough, and if perhaps you might need food/weight/body image counseling because you rip yourself and your body all the time. Sure we all hate to see a gain on the scale, but you are obsessed beyond a normal, healthy obsession and I don't think you can see it. You also mention starving yourself numerous times, which is a sure sign that you have lost all faith in your body to function normally and that is scary.

I know I am not the only one who thinks this way and I think it has been said to you in a few different ways instead of bluntly, so I will speak bluntly. Seek help not from a nutritionist, but from a counselor who is experienced in ED and overtraining. Your thought process is very similar to the thought process of numerous runners and it is amazing how every 'running forum' I visit has dozens of women who post the almost identical entries that you post here.

I hate to see people in pain and confusion. If you take anything away from this post of mine, at least remember when your goal was 116 and you would be happy.

Take gentle care.

WorkingIt on 10/30/2006:
No disrespect intended. You don't sound confused in the least, you just seem to have a hate for your body that is very typical of runners who overtrain and overworry about every pound gained from day to day even though most of those gains can be water. Gaining ten pounds in a year after losing weight from a thyroid condition I am sure is very scary as nobody wants to ever get back to the beginning. I wish you luck in figuring out what you need to do and mostly finding peace with food and with your body.

Runner - Saturday Oct 28, 2006
(Under 1300 calories)
Weight: 116.0

I think, I think that I lost a pound this week.

I weighed myself this morning on the gym scale and I had to do it quickly because I was in my bathing suit and didn't want people to notice me. (the scale is in the room with all the machines and weights!!!) Anyway, it's measured in kilograms, and I think I lost about 1/2 a kg, so that accounts for about one pound. When I get back to about 115 pounds, I'll update my weight.

Anyway...things are going well on the food front! Yay!

smiley2 on 10/28/2006:
Wow, great job! We also use kg's here, but i like to see my weight loss in pounds, because it always seems like ive lost more then hehe!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 10/28/2006:
Congrats...At least most of the time people are too busy using the weight machines to watch us weigh ourselves in bathing suits...hehe...have a nice day today!

geevee on 10/28/2006:
I discovered that the doctor's scale at the Biltmore allows you to weigh in both pounds and kgs. The part of the scale that has the numbers on it, is removable. After you lift it off, you put it back upside down.

Someone had done this before I weighed. When I got on the scale, my weight was way off and I couldn't understand why. Then someone explained what had happened.

I hate the idea of weighing in public, even when my weight is down. I know how you felt at the gym.

GG on 10/28/2006:
Every little bit counts! haha! Nice Job! I love seeing surprises on the scale! Oh and by the way: I do not eat breakfast because I get up go straight to the gym and then by the time I get back it is pretty much lunch time.

Runner - Thursday Oct 26, 2006
(Under 1300 calories)
Weight: 116.0

I completely fell off the wagon.

I fell so hard, and part of me just doesn't care at the moment.

I had a big lunch out with some friends at a Thai restaurant, and then I came home and FOOLISHLY tried to make a dessert that ended up not turning out right, so you can guess what happened. I ate a good portion of it, and completely blew any sort of calorie deficit I may have acquired this week.

I am just so weak. So incredibly weak. People like Geevee and GG are my envy...why can't I just stay away from carbs and anything white?

I think I need to get a scale...not weighing myself hasn't had quite the effect on my eating habits as I've hoped it would have. And only weighing myself once a week drives me batty.


Thankfully, I salvaged the rest of the day...didn't eat until 9pm, and only had a plate of veggies. Phew!

I think I still stayed under 2000 calories today.

But I'm not pleased with my afternoon binge! I need to stop those COMPLETELY!

Thanks for all the encouraging comments...

rjf on 10/26/2006:
<FONT COLOR="#9805c9"> >*HUGS* Don't beat yourself up!! I'm wondering what your goal weight is? Most of weight loss is in the mind...at least for me. Try to forgive and forget and move on. I know you can do it!!!! *smiles*</FONT

smiley2 on 10/26/2006:
Ive also fell off the wagon for the past 2 days, i may have broke a few bones in the process lol ;) Today is a new day, thats all you can focus on.

borntocry on 10/26/2006:
People like geevee and GG don't spend their evenings concocting delicious desserts for their husbands and co-workers.

mattscat3295 on 10/26/2006:
I have fallen off the wagon so many times its a wonder I am not bruised from the falls. I know it is tough but don't give up, get up, brush yourself off, and remember today is a new day and a new start for so many people. I BELIEVE IN YOU, YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!

Umpqua on 10/26/2006:
That's a good point from BTC - it's tough to resist temptations when we're surrounded by people who indulge in those refined sugars. All we can do is try to show restraint but I believe giving in, on occasion, is good for the soul!

horn_of_Plenty on 10/26/2006:
I agree with umpqua, there are times when you just need to give in :). I, like you, understand that giving in isn't easy...and I know from experience that people like you and me have major trouble giving in a little, because that only means we will give in a lot! I know you'll be able to stay on the wagon this time around!

WorkingIt on 10/26/2006:
Try setting your calorie limit and adding those treats in your calorie count. If you have 500 calories and can eat a piece of steak and some veggies OR a piece of chocolate cake, you may be surprised at what you select. Give yourself one meal each week that you can eat whatever you want in that ONE meal, including a tasty treat and don't do it the rest of the week. You have to practice this over and over, portion control isn't going to just show up on your doorstep. Take charge and practice every day and don't start your day with the "I am a failure, why can't I be like this one or that one" mantra. That is a sure fire way to ruin your outlook and your day. So is ending the day with the same mantra. The only person who can control it, is you. Get back to basics, calm down, and go for it. You CAN do it, but it won't happen all in one day. Make your own success every day, build on it, and you will be fine.

geevee on 10/26/2006:
The cauliflower w/hot sauce snack last night was not what I consider tasty, and I had to keep convincing myself that it would be filling and that I'd be able to avoid more dangerous alternatives. Whereas you enjoy sugary snacks, my favorites are heavy on fats, except of course for the Key Lime pie, and you know I'll have to savor it on Thanksgiving because there will be no room at all for leftovers much to not only my dismay but son Jim's who won't be happy about losing "his" bedroom to Billy & Wyatt and will be on a couch.

maria777 on 10/26/2006:
Well, looks like you did exceedingly well by having a plate of veggies for supper! I commend you on that! SMILE~

borntocry on 10/27/2006:
Hi Runner,

Sorry about my curt comment earlier - I had only a couple of minutes left on my lunch break and had to be brief! But I thought of you throughout the day and there were many things I wanted to say. But I guess it all boils down to the fact that I think you should stop making things so much harder for yourself! Losing/maintaining weight is hard enough as it is - what's the success rate, 5%? You don't need to challenge yourself even further by surrounding yourself with unnecessary temptation. Sure, we can't refuse to go out for lunch with our friends, but do you have to keep up with the baking? If you must give in to the temptation to prepare full-fat, full-sugar desserts for others, at least choose something which you yourself don't like, so it will be easier for you to resist. Don't expect yourself to just be stronger than that - you're asking too much of yourself! By limiting our calorie intake, we're struggling to suppress one of our most basic instincts. It is not because we are "weak" that it is difficult, it is because our survival instinct is so strong!

Runner - Wednesday Oct 25, 2006
(Under 1300 calories)
Weight: 116.0

I'm eating a lot of veggies.

A LOT of veggies.

And a bit of fruit and some protein and an occasional carb.

I'm very hungry all the time, but I think it's also due to being back on the pill. So far, I haven't fallen off the wagon, but I'm definitely not overconfident! I know what happens as soon as I start to feel overconfident...

borntocry on 10/25/2006:
You are doing the right thing. Veggies will help to fill you up without adding lots of calories. The protein should help control hunger and cravings. If you don't lose weight like this, at least you will know you did everything you could!

borntocry on 10/25/2006:
Oh yeah, and thanks for the comment you left me. I am the same way - portion control is a big problem for me. I'm going to take your advice and make sure to buy very small amounts of dried fruit or nuts. Since the store is so close to me, there is no need to stock up. So if I do fall off the wagon the damage will be limited!

Moody on 10/25/2006:
I can fill up on veggies but the feeling doesn't last long unless I add protein. Good luck!!

geevee on 10/25/2006:
The problem of portion control! My problem is really apparent when I have visitors and see what a normal portion looks like. I follow suit but leave the table hungry.

It's amazing to me how filling vegetables are. Now that you're loading up on them, your diet is very healthy. You know how I'm a firm believer in nuts. They have the good fats/oils that your body needs. I'd substitute them for sugary sweets when the craving arises.

maria777 on 10/25/2006:
Good for you on the fruits and veggies and protein! Have a wonderful day!

mattscat3295 on 10/25/2006:
Great job on the fruits and veggies. You are doing a wonderful job!!!!!! Have a great evening.

Runner - Monday Oct 23, 2006
(Under 1300 calories)
Weight: 116.0

My weight is up, but my motivation is also up.

I said that I wouldn't post until my weight goes down, but that may be never, and I really miss you guys. :) So...I'm back...and even though I can't seem to lose a pound, I'm here.

My body is having serious issues, friend. I have to somehow try to reverse 9 years of amenorrhea (how DO you spell that?), and only a miracle from God can do that.

Meanwhile, I am back on birth control, which will surely add another 5 pounds...it always does. My estrogen levels are so low that the doctor told me last week that I'm more of a "man" than a "woman." Yeah, it was funny for about 2 seconds, until the full impact of his words hit home. He told me that I am a very rare case...and I will never have children if this continues.

But how do you reverse 9 years of a thyroid problem and serious hormonal imbalance?

My thyroid is suppressed, which means I need LESS medication, but that will likely result in more weight gain.

Meanwhile, I ran a race this weekend but didn't enjoy it. For the first time in 9 years, I was bored with running. It's time to end this madness, which has only contributed to my estrogen deficiency. But what a terrible time to stop running! How will I ever keep from gaining weight?

Friends, I had a serious breakdown yesterday, and I am working through some tough issues regarding my health and my body.

Right now I'm on the "Thyroid Diet," which basically cuts out anything white, and I'm really trying to stick to it. Unfortunately, I can't seem to lose anything. But I won't give up. I can't give up! I am praying that God will heal my body and that I won't slip into menopause at the young age of 29.

borntocry on 10/23/2006:
Hi Runner,

As you know, I have always envied your running, and I still do. And if you want to continue, and go on to run marathons or ultras or whatever, I will support you 100%. I even think it's kind of cool that you're more of a "man" than a woman! But I just want to tell you that IF you do want to take a break from running, you can do it WITHOUT gaining weight. Since I stopped running two months ago, I have LOST weight, and that's without doing any other exercise whatsoever. While I was running I never wanted to believe that it could be making it harder for me to lose weight, but once I stopped I noticed a dramatic decrease in my appetite. And now looking back on my life I see that I always lost weight faster and more easily at times when I concentrated on diet rather than exercise. I still believe that it is more important to be fit than to be thin, and my biggest hope and dream right now is to be able to start running again soon, but I also firmly believe that diet is the way to go for pure weight loss. And some experts even agree with me (read <a href="http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=76988" target="_blank">this article</a>)!

As for birth control, thyroid medication, etc. Like running, these things only lead to weight gain by increasing your appetite. No matter what medication you're on, YOU have ultimate control over your diet. I reached my lowest adult weight while I was on the pill. I did feel hungrier while I was on the pill, but that just meant that I had to get used to feeling somewhat hungry all the time in order to lose weight. You may also notice that you feel hungrier on the pill or without your thyroid medication, but you will get used to it! In the long run, it needn't affect your habits or lifestyle.

That said, I do agree with everyone else in that I don't believe you need to lose any weight at all. You're the same weight as me and you're a couple of inches taller, if you're 5'4". I know you were thinner in the past and so was I. But as we get older we're more likely to start looking haggard and old if we get too skinny. I longed for that waif-like look when I was a teenager, but if I got back to that weight now I doubt I'd look like a "waif"! Perhaps to some extent our desire to cling to this image reflects our inability to let go of our childhood. Maybe we should focus on looking hot and sexy now rather than strive for the sexless skinnyness of our younger years!

Whatever you decide, I will always support you. We both are suffering with medical issues right now but we mustn't let that dictate our lives! Life may be a struggle - but we'll keep struggling!

mattscat3295 on 10/23/2006:
Hello runner. I am so sorry to hear about your health issues that you are going through. I will pray for you and your health. I think that some drs don't have any bedside manner whatsoever. I couldn't believe that a dr said that to you, how insensitive of a dr to say that to a woman. I know that my dr tried me on a medicine to take to help me lose weight from my seizure meds, it was a doozy. I know now that I have to take meds for the rest of my life but I don't have to give into their side effects of making me hungry, I now make it a point to take my lunch with me to work, I don't take any money or cards with me so that I won't give into that food monster that hangs around on my shoulder. I hope you don't give up on running, I can't wait until I can run. You are a wonderful person and I hope everything gets better for you. Hang in there, we are all here for you. ***HUGS&PRAYERS*****

WorkingIt on 10/23/2006:
I agree 100% with BTC. She makes perfect sense. Super/sickly skinny is NOT hot.

geevee on 10/24/2006:
Your thyroid diet sounds just like my sugar buster's. No white anything and low glycemic foods plus whole grain breads and cereals. I find it very easy to follow.

I didn't realize you were 5'4", so as BTC noted, you are very slim and don't need to lose more weight. Maybe your body is objecting to your attempts to lose which is why you've been having such a difficult time. I think you're at a good weight for your height.

Runner - Monday Oct 16, 2006
(Under 1300 calories)
Weight: 116.0

I can't lose weight. Period.

No matter what I do, I can't lose a pound. It's so frustrating.

I don't even know what kinds of goals to make, because none of them work anyway!

I'm not recording my weight, and I'm not coming back until I can actually lose a pound. Really...I just can't do it.

I'm sorry...

borntocry on 10/16/2006:
I am sorry, Runner. I am in pretty much the same situation as you, and nothing is working for me so there's nothing I can tell you - wait, did you just say that you're not coming back until you've lost a pound?! No!!

Look, there are still things you haven't tried yet, I'm sure! What's your average calorie intake? The few times you've mentioned it, it's generally been about 1800, with the added mention of your standard three hours of exercise. Have you tried going lower? How hungry are you throughout the day? I'm not recommending that you starve yourself but I do believe that in order to lose weight it is necessary to endure some degree of hunger (especially for small people like us who can't afford that many calories!). I know that when I was running regularly, I had a tendency to think that I needed the fuel. But it was only when I fought that tendency that I lost weight. You remember... I was running 3-10 miles on just 1200 calories a day. You could try this once or twice a week and see if it makes a difference.

I hope this doesn't seem condescending... I just want to help you lose that pound if that's what it's going to take to get you back here!

Umpqua on 10/16/2006:
I thought you had done untold damage to your scale? I thought you had decided to take a break from all the weighing for a while and focus on different goals like healthy eating? Believe me, I know how frustrating this is for you - just imagine seeing the scale go UP EVERY WEEK ;P But if the scale isn't budging maybe you should just focus on other things, like measurements for instance. Work on problem areas so you can fit more comfortably into certain clothes, etc. I hate to see you become so demotivated just from looking at that stupid number on the scale. It's just not worth it when you're already doing so much to lead a healthy lifestyle.

mattscat3295 on 10/16/2006:
Please don't stop coming here because you feel that you can't lose a pound. I know this sounds crazy but I do it. I don't way myself all the time, I gave my mother in-law my scales so that I can't weigh myself all the time and I honestly feel like I am doing so much better without the scales in the house. I know that I am eating healthier not having them here to haunt me, I feel that if they are here I can fall down and just keep falling where as when I don't have them here I have to be accountable for something. I hope you don't give up and please keep coming in here.

smiley2 on 10/17/2006:
I havent weighed myself in over 4 months...its just not worth it...stressing each day.....having your day ruined by one or 2 measly pounds....and let me tell you it feels liberating! Go with your measurements and how your clothes fit. Use that to uplift yourself!

sweetpea1977 on 10/18/2006:
Runner, it is very vital that you find another way to notate progress, because the scale is ruining your life.

Life is too short to allow yourself to be ruled by a stupid number on a day-to-day basis. Living a healthy life is NOT supposed to feel like a daily dose of mental torture. It is supposed to feel liberating, knowing that you are always treating your body with the highest respect by doing moderate exercise and making healthy nutritional choices each day.

It is a physiological fact that a person's body weight fluctuates each day. Naturally, those flux's are often exaggerated for those with smaller frames. And you know what? A lot of those flux's can't even be controlled by the individual, because it is based on the genetic programming of that person's metabolism and other biological functions of the organs. So, when you think about it, being healthy has NOTHING to do with what a scale says!! Living a healthy lifestyle is more dependent on good choices and thinking positive.

Yes, people do use the scale as an indicator of health progress. But when a person gets to a certain point (for example: they have reached or surpassed the recommended fat percentage or measurement ratios for their height and fitness level), the scale is pretty much deemed useless. This is when these individuals should start focusing on other means of progress - body measurements, the way clothing fits, and overall attitude towards their nutrition and exercise choices.

Last week, you had asked me how often I weigh myself. When I first started, I only weighed myself once a week. Around six months into it, I weighed myself 2 or 3 times a day - big mistake! The constant flux's ruined my mood! These flux's often affected the way I treated my loved ones and co-workers. It took me a while to realize this, but when I did, I went back to once-a-day weigh-ins. That didnt really help things either, so, I cut back by doing it every other day, which helped tremendously!

Now that Im at my goal weight, I weigh myself less often because I now monitor my weight by how my clothes fit every morning. To be absolutely certain that I havent back-tracked, I weigh-in every Saturday and Wednesday. This has worked the best for me, because it allows me a few days between each weigh-in to either continue the "maintain" process or return to the "lose" process. More importantly though, it has finally given me the freedom to focus on other priorities in my life than just weightloss.

Well, I hope you return soon. You are sorely missed!!

Runner - Friday Oct 13, 2006
(Under 1300 calories)
Weight: 116.0

I've been so busy, but I wanted to update...

the last 3 days have been pretty good, food-wise. I've almost stuck to all my plans with a lapse for a small bowl of cereal and some peanut butter. But overall, I'm pleased with my progress. I haven't run on my ankle for 3 days, either...but have been swimming instead.

I really should weigh myself tomorrow, but now that i've been scale-free for 5 days, I'm too chicken to get back on one! What if I didn't lose anything...or, worse yet...what if I actually GAINED more weight?

I am throwing a big birthday party tomorrow for our foster baby, who is turning 1, so I know food temptations will abound.

I think I'm going to wait at least one more week before i weigh myself...

BUT, I would like to join BTC's and Becca's challenge! Count me in! And I love the sports theme! Can I please be a Detroit Tiger? They're doing so much better than the Lions.... :)

So...now I need to come up with some goals!

sweetpea1977 on 10/13/2006:
Im glad you took a moment to update. I've been thinking about you a lot lately.

Good for you on the swimming and sticking to your detox diet. Im very proud of you Runner!

Your Detroit Tigers comment made me laugh. The Tigers are FANTASTIC this year, unlike their poor football counterparts.

Happy birthday to your foster baby. Enjoy this monumental time with him. :o)

cornucopia982 on 10/13/2006:
i have a big question about the fruit/veggie detox. Do you get ravenous or just insanely hungry!?!?! or, do you have to be in some kind of mindset where you know that for just 3 days, you will be detoxing and that's it!? I couldn't imagine myself personally having no protein for 3 days. Congrats on your success. Detoxing sounds like something worth trying. However, I am not anywhere near ready to do anything like it!

Runner - Tuesday Oct 10, 2006
(Under 1300 calories)
Weight: 116.0

Today is the first day of my "detox" diet. After a rather unhealthy Tuesday, I'm going to take the next 3 days to eat only fruits and veggies and occasional lean protein. Maybe I'll throw in a sweet potato, but I'm really trying to stick to just fruits and veggies.

I'm also taking 3 days off of running...and sticking to walking or swimming. I have a sore ankle, anyway, so I can't run if I wanted to.

I'm hoping I feel thinner and better after these 3 days. I plan to weigh myself on Saturday at the gym, but let me tell you---the mental anxiety of not weighing myself can be very strong at times. I feel like I NEED to know the number...it's just a mental battle, I know. But if I eat well these next 3 days, then I shouldn't feel guilty about not weighing myself every day. I am doing GOOD things for my body.

I just hope my ankle doesn't get worse...I have a race on October 22! It's 10km, and I want to do well in it.

smiley2 on 10/11/2006:
Sounds like a great plan to me! Good luck!

borntocry on 10/11/2006:
Rest your ankle totally and don't run on it again until you're sure it's completely better. You have enough of a fitness base to lose a few days of running without affecting your performance at the race. When I was training for my half-marathon I didn't think I could afford to miss more than a couple of days and I totally screwed up my knee!

sweetpea1977 on 10/12/2006:
Hey Sweetie,

I just got caught up with your last few entries. Im SO glad that you broke your scale and are relying on other methods to track your progress (gym scale once a week and the way clothes fit) from now on. Im very relieved to hear that you will no longer be a slave to the scale anymore!

I think the 3 day detox and running break is a good idea. Everyone needs to take a break from complicated foods and exercise every now and then to keep their body guessing.

At any rate, take care of your ankle. As BTC said, since you are such a great runner already, your race performance will still be good even if have to avoid running for a few days so that your ankle can completely recover.

Runner - Sunday Oct 08, 2006
(Under 1300 calories)
Weight: 116.0

I had a breakdown this morning. After seeing another gain on the scale, I realized that I've had enough. I threw my scale down several times and thorougly broke it. It's sitting in several pieces in my laundry room. Good riddance.

I feel a lot better, and I'm going to figure out another way to monitor my progress without going through the mental and emotional turmoil of stepping on that stupid thing every day, sometimes several times a day.

I've been a slave to my scale, and I'm tired of it.

************ UPDATE

Thank you for all the kind comments, friends! It's truly been an emotional day. Actually, it's been an emotional year. Gaining a solid 10 pounds in one year (while constantly dieting) has been very tough for me. And I've always been an advocate of weighing myself every day to "keep me accountable," but I just can't do it anymore. I think I will weigh myself at the gym once a week, on Saturday mornings. I remember how BTC used to weigh herself occasionally on the scale at the pharmacy, and then I encouraged her to get a scale so she could chart her progress every day! I'm sorry, BTC! I wish I hadn't given you that advice!

Anyway, I had a good day with food today, despite my frustration, so I feel like I'm making progress. The true test is if my clothes fit, and since about 1/3 of them don't fit me AT ALL right now and 1/3 of them are tight, I will be able to tell very quickly if I'm gaining weight! My goal is still to lose the 5 pounds of weight around my belly and butt, but I'm not going to focus on a number anymore. I'm going to focus on wellness. And I think I'm going to spend 3 days this week on a veggie and fruit fast so I can get back on track with my diet.

Umpqua on 10/08/2006:
Oh Runner, I'm so sorry it came to this and you're frustrated. But I think you're probably doing yourself a favor by taking a break from the scale for a bit. You exercise like a fiend and from what you've said your eating is usually extremely healthy. I think you should just try to be as healthy as possible and focus on that - not the number on the scale, at least for a little while!

borntocry on 10/09/2006:
You have no idea just how much of a slave I have become to my scale. I didn't even own a scale until a year ago and now I can't even bear to update my diary until my scale shows me a good number... that's why entries have become so erratic lately.

I think the best way to monitor your progress is simply what we were doing during the challenge - decide what kind of changes you want to make in your life and use those as your goals. It's easy to say, "My goal is to lose 5 lb by next month" but we have too little control over that kind of goal. And it's frustrating when you feel like you're trying so hard and getting nowhere.

Good luck!

smiley2 on 10/09/2006:
Good riddence! I havent gotten on mine for the past 4 months and i feel totally enlightened! Its not worth going through all the pain and hardship for a damn number, i think you did the right thing!!!

hollybelle on 10/09/2006:
YEAAAAAAA! I am so glad you destroyed your scale. Smart! I don't think weighing every day is good FOR SOME OF US. For others it works, though. For example I have a friend it works perfectly for because she allows a 4 lbs flux and if it goes beyound that she just cuts back a few days and her weight drops back down. I CANNOT do that. Also my friend's flux allowance is reasonable since everyone's weight is prove to vary a little no matter what. I wish you much less frustration and much success with whatever you decide to do next. Is your weight at 115 really too much to bear? Unless you are an extremely petite and young person that certainly seems acceptable. I don't mean nosey, but not knowing your particular situation I do wonder why a lower weight is so important. You exercise alot and are certainly taking care of your body that way so I assume you are healthy. In any event, again, I don't mean to pry - only the best intentions here. Keep us posted. Holly

geevee on 10/09/2006:
Hi Runner,

Sorry about your weight today. It's a never-ending battle. That's good that you and Smiley can get by without a scale. Every time I stopped weighing, I always gained weight. I'm afraid not to.

Yeah! I read about how popular Wang is in Taiwan. He's just as popular here too. Ahhh, what a sad day it is for Yankee fans, but they played so terribly, they deserved the loss. I'll be rooting for the Tigers now. Leyland is quite a coach! I was a Marlins fan when he helped them win the World Series, but then, after Huizinga dismanteled the team and ruined it, that was when I and everyone else deserted the Marlins. At home, they normally have no more than 3000 in attendance. Leyland did his job well with the, and now again with your Tigers, so GOOD for him! I hope they win it all!

borntocry on 10/09/2006:
No, no, Runner... I still think you gave me good advice. I still suffered unexpected fluctuations even when I weighed myself once a week at the pharmacy. And now at least I know that they are just fluctuations. So I'm trying to learn how to deal with them!

I think that's a great idea - to focus on wellness. I am going to do the same this week. I'm going to focus on fresh fruits and vegetables and whole grains. I normally don't include "whole grains" in my plan because I tend to aim for extreme carbohydrate reduction. And when that fails then I just binge on sugar and refined carbohydrates. How crazy!

maria777 on 10/09/2006:
Wow! And I also keep my scale in the laundry room! My Hubby has told me he has thought about getting rid of our scale, too! ...We can't allow how we feel each day to be dependant on a scale number!

Runner - Sunday Oct 08, 2006
(Under 1300 calories)
Weight: 115.5

and then an unexpected gain.

really...I don't deserve it. But I know how resistant my body is to losing weight.

I'm currently on a 5-day vacation (YAY!) and so far I've spent a good 10+ hours the last 3 days doing intense exercise. Running, swimming, lifting weights, walking, hiking, and tae-bo have consumed a large part of my time. I was hoping for a real drop in weight, since I've also curbed my eating pretty well, but I'm just not seeing any progress...

Yeah, I know. I can't rely on exercise to help me lose weight. But it seems to work for everyone else! It's truly a mystery to me.

borntocry on 10/08/2006:
It doesn't work for everyone else. I've lost 2 lb since I stopped running 6 weeks ago. Don't stop if you're having fun, but don't expect to lose weight because of it!

Moody on 10/08/2006:
Even if you are not losing weight you have to be in fantastic shape! You sound incredibly atheltic and are a true inspiration!! Keep it up!

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