I'm changing gears here......food is going really well.....concentrating on lots of different things that I want and need to do. 

Putting food at the end of my list of thoughts just because it works better for me........also cutting my stress levels and doing a lot of meditation and yoga and exercycle/rebounder.

I crave contentment and relaxation yet I tend to sabotage myself at times.....so I'm once again cutting back on all electronics just because I know they add to my sedentary hours and become a apparent reason to not be busy...

So...I will check in to see how you gals are doing from time to time.....

I'm starting today with a new attitude...........

I'm committed to doing things even if they are hard.  I'm committed to doing things even if I don't want to because I should.  I'm accepting that some things just have to be completed rather I want to or not.  Life does not have to be lived doing only the fun and easy.  Doing only the fun and easy leaves me feeling unfulfilled and empty.  Today....it's time for me to grow up...WOW...that took a long time...but it isn't too late.

I'm excited and ready to begin........

After writing the statements above....I got up and gathered all of the laundry, made the bed and then made breakfast........a much different picture than most days........no cropping the pic today.........sending the entire pic untouched.

Breakfast was 2 fried eggs over easy ( definately out of my comfort zone because I don't care for runny yolks), 1/4 of a roasted potato fried in 1 t. olive oil and a cup of coffee = 6 points and 226 cals.

Took a bath and washed my hair which by the way I have put off for the last 2 days...and it crossed my mind again today BUT,,,I refused to let myself off today...this is the day of DO....for me...and now I am glad!  Loaded the washer and getting things done...things that I have been putting off. 

Today I have an attitude of gratitude

Today I learn from the past but that just makes good changes sweeter

No excuses today....no reasons why...no putting things off

Today I make good things happen and then grow from there

I'm feeling the need to sit down today and decide just what it is that is most important to me to accomplish.  I did this at the beginning of the year ( or the end of 2019).....and put it into action...but found myself moving away from the schedule........I need to get back to that......so once again..I will sit down with pen and paper and tweek the plans........There is plenty to do...more than enough to keep me busy, yet....it can look overwhelming when I look at the big picture......it worked so much better when I broke things down into blocks of time....small bites that come together to make the whole work.  Where I get in my own way is not following the plan........there is a huge part of me that just wants to wing it...and that messes up the plan.

I am super happy with the decision to shop only once a month......and I'm looking forward to seeing what the last week or last few days of the month looks like supply wise........Growing up in a family that had what we needed...but were savers.....no matter what it meant that we ate.....growing up with grandparents that could feed a family of nine with just a few bags of cornmeal, flour, sugar and a chicken.......and a little rice.......showed me that it is entirely possible to survive in a way that is a lot less stressful and a lot more simple.  Of course we have higher standards today.........but is the happiness higher or lower today?  I wonder. 

I feel so fortunate that I have had so many oportunities to see so many sides of life in my time on earth.  I spent so much of my childhood and early adult years in the inner city.....in some very dangerous areas, yet we survived and thrived anyway.  I grew up with several adults that made it work while working towards bettering our lives and figuring out how to keep ourselves on a path to happiness as well as security.  I had dirt poor grandmas that I adored...parents who wanted better.....and a husband and partner who had a goal and a dream.......and I now realize that in my old age...I have many people to thank for teaching me so much.  I owe all of them a huge thank you for being such a great example of hard work and commitment and drive .........and the best way I can thank them ( aside from telling them in person or looking to the sky with a silent prayer)....is to take what I have learned and put it to use...........it's too easy to be complacent and want without putting in the work...when those around me have provided so much.  I need to kick my own butt....I need to make my own life more rewarding.....my job really is so simple.....yet.....I put things off.......I like to sit down too much......I like to live the easy, sedentary, and lazy life.  I am a person who has not expected a lot from myself...even though...I have had many wonderful examples of hard work..........I sat back.........I enjoyed the spoils......and I gave myself a pass to be lazy............now.........I find that very unfullfilling........I want more from myself....I have lots of things to do....that need to be done........and the fact that I keep putting them off until another day is causing me to be quite unhappy with myself.  I need to put what I know into use....get off my butt and get to work.  I like things a certain way but I lack the desire to actually do them....I guess I want them to happen magically.  Unfortunately I like perfection and if I can't do something perfectly....I often don't start.......That is a perfect example of OCD.....guilty!!!!!  What I have been ignoring is that if I never start......nothing will ever be perfect either.  Today.......I kick my OCD in the butt and get to work...all across the board.......just because....I have to.

Last night I found a bag of Jif peanut powder unopened in a bin......It expired in April 2016....today....I added it to my Fage 0% yogurt........it looked normal and while I can't say it tasted great.....it was fine.....added a good source of protein....and I will continue to use it up.....the fact that it didn't taste great was not because it was old and expired...it was because I have never loved peanut powder...no mold or sign of deterioration.......just something that never tasted good.......I'm going to keep eating this until it's gone...it provides nourishment....and that is all that is necessary........I still have WW even though I have not been motivated by it lately......it was low cal, high nutrition and I spent precious money on it and I will be eating it until it's gone......I need to teach myself some lessons now.

Glucose was great this morning at 95

Breakfast = coffee, 1/2 cup Fage 0% mixed with 3T of jif powdered peanuts = 2 WW points and 132 calories

Edit

Donkey hit the nail on the head.....it isn't laziness...it's anxiety,  I have tendencies of several anxiety behaviors....and while i have known it myself....i may have never voiced them out loud!

1.  Agoraphobia...while I can go out in public and I do....and I can enjoy it...as long as I know I can leave if I want to.....it started with morning sickness back in 1966 with my first pregnancy.

2.  Fear of running out of food......it started in 1999 with the coming of 2000 and the possibility that the world would somehow change...so I stocked up on excess food ( I had never done that before)........and it continues today with a grocery stockpile for emergencies.  I guess you could call it food hoarding.  From 1966 until 1999 we often got low on food but never missed a meal...and I didn't care.

3.  Fear of running out of things to do........this is rediculous just because it is!!!!  But it's real...I hate the feeling of being in a hotel room...because there is little to do...it is similar to staying at my Mothers while caring for her...her house...her rules, very little of my own things there.  Sometimes I leave things undone...just so that everything is unfinished...really rediculous and I know that!  And the fact is...there is LITERALLY no way I could ever run out of things to do!

4.  Fear of succeeding at anything...because when you succeed at something the bar changes and you have to maintain it and that feels like pressure without the fun of getting there.

It's funny....for so many years I woke up to an alrm clock buzzing...and would hit the snooze button for just 5 more minutes of sleep....trying to put off starting my day.......then retirement happened and no need for an alarm clock.....so i get up when I feel like it..and it usually about the time we got up for work years ago.......and when i put myself on a mandatory schedule now...just one of my own making.....I want to once again hit the snooze button...and not get up.....there is something about HAVING to do something that makes me uncomfortable...that necessity of it....makes me want to rebel...unless of course I can make it a FUN THING instead of a HAVE TO THING...that makes all of the difference for me.  I think I just bought a clue........I have to make everything fun...or a challenge that I enjoy...so that I can do it....without issues that make me want to head for that rocking chair.

JUST CAUGHT MYSELF REVERTING BACK TO AN OLD BAD HABIT WHICH WAS MINDLESS EATING!!!!!  So as a reminder to myself....i just ate without barely thinking about it...anxiety???????   I would say so!

So as a reminder to myself....I had to think back to what i just ate....and almost had to go to the trash to see what it was....but finally remembered.....1 mozzarella stick, 2 beef sticks, 1 built bar and 1 RX bar

GEEZE......am I a sick puppy!!!

I can see what I need to do.......I need to stay busy and get things done while making it fun.......sometimes I love a challenge and this will be one of those times.  Going back to my beginning of the year lists and making it happen........I will use some self control and get myself back on a schedule where I belong........fears/anxieties will just need to be managed because being a slacker like I am right now makes me nervous and anxious too....so better to be busy than idle and still dealing with it.   Putting this all down in writing has been a huge help today...Thanks Donkey for making it easier.

Dinner was roasted chicken, roasted potato with a little butter......

Bitter cold here today.......and schools have reopened ( have been closed because of illness).....and happy that we don't have to go out in public........reorganzing a closet today and making room for filing cabinets in there.......moving canned  and packaged goods from storage to kitchen and happy that I don't have to go shopping.  Once a month shopping has worked for the first half of the month...and hoping to get to the end of February without shopping.  The money we are saving by doing this is impressive to me.  D has had me order a couple of things online for him over the weekend....( a Stormy Kromer hat and some new mini spatulas)......and that was fine but I personally have not bought anything.....no shopping means no impulse buys.......for me....buying groceries on the first and any online shopping (for me) on the 2nd of the month...has been a huge money saver.  Thankfully I'm a home body so that makes ait a lot easier. 

Using up what is on hand is important when storing food......things should be rotated anyway so now is the perfect time......knock on wood...I can't remember when the last time we were sick was......just general health things....but no contageous colds or flu type things. 

Currently working on refrigerated foods because they won't last too much longer.

Since we are concentrating on D's glucose numbers and getting them lower for D right now.....i need to watch my own because these current foods can make mine drop too much.......so far...so good.....mine after coffee with sf sweetener this morning was 93 and perfect...so no bad effects for me.  We both feel good and plan to be busy all day.

Eventually had breakfast which was whole grain toast with butter, PB and jelly.....feeling great....getting lots done and energy do ramp it up a bit.......Since watching a lot of things lately about low carb/ket/carnivore......I'm convinced that low carb at least would be good for us......but my sugar dips and that's an issue.......for D...he would never I'm sure although if he has to pick between needles, amputation and blindness...he would probably give it a go.........so........I'm pushing the veg...and he already is onboard with the meat/eggs/cheese.....so...hoping this helps hi and I both.......so far...so good....I see him still getting into the chocolate but at least it's dark chocolate.....we have a loooong way to go........but crawling there.

Breakfast was whole grain toast with butter, pb and jelly and a cup of coffee with sf syrup

Main meal was based on D's diet needs and was lettuce with ranch, split pea soup, beer brat, corn, barley and lentils and pickled cauliflower

After yesterdays meals....his sugar was much better.....a wake up call for both of us.........either it's he eat the best foods for diabetics or it's shots...decision made.  I'm so guilty of bringing in things that really weren't the best for him....and he ate them naturally....that worked for a couple of years...but no more........and we ate at the table again...and that's a good thing.

The nice thing for me is that we are loading up on veggies...so I really don'tt need to watch the scale.......in the past...I put the weight back on.......I think this time will be different.

Things have been going very well here.........feeling great and just moving more in general...sleeping really well...almost 8 hours last night. 

D is concerned about his glucose readings...so we did some searching yesterday and refreshed our memories about what is best for him to eat and avoid...he has opinions about food....HA..quite different from me who will eat just about anything ( except snails, octopus, squid ink and frog legs...BLECH)...i do have my standards...LOL..anyway.......it does appear that when ever I fix the foods that are best for him......he doesn't like those foods....well...he watched the videos about the best things  for diabetes and I voiced my opinion about his grumbling about these things ( broccoli, lentils, beans, garlic, onions, salmon, any fish actually because of his mercury  and farmed fish obsession).....and he GOT IT !!!!  Him watching the videos was a good thing and a wake up call for him.......so we decided that I will begin setting the table with a large array of foods daily for the noon meal which is our main meal of the day...and there will be leftovers for later too....that we can both pick and choose from that will be the best for both of us.  Instead of concentrating on weights etc...we will be concentrating on health.......actually my glucose numbers have been low...where his are high...this makes a very interesting meal time around here...so I have been dealing with my lows...with snacks...and he has just been eating snacks...PERIOD........things need to change because we do not want him to go on shots.......both of our family histories are BAD for DIABETES...his sister is on 4 shots a day, has had amputations and is almost blind now...and  shots directly into her eyes several times a year...( we shudder to think of that)....we both decided that we need to put some attention to health in general.......His sister of course can no loger drive or go anywhere without a wheel chair, she lives alone ( her husband died 2 years ago).....and has a helper that comes when she needs her............neither D or I want to live like that...he has another sister that is heading in the same direction.....and both are younger than us........it's been a wake up call......and we are listening......health is now our aim. 

I can see myself listing what I eat now....without counting or pics........because I'm no longer focusing on weight because I no longer need to do that....but I would like to keep a running list for just healthy eating for myself..........and a record of my glucose numbers.

Fasting glucose this morning was 83...........( felt okay but this can be an issue some days...right on my border of needing to bring it up....but ok for now)

Breakfast was 1 cup coffee and 1/2 cup Fage 0% plain yogurt with some SF moca syrup to make it palatable.

I put dishes of many healthy foods on the table for lunch.....and we ate healthfully...at the table...we had gotten into a habit of eating in front of the tv....everything I put out would promote a better reading for him......he even tried something that he never would have before....

I had chicken sauteed in a tiny amt olive oil, lentils and barley, green salad with ranch, corn, green beans and a baby dill pickle. 

Not an exciting meal...but one that will promote better eating habits and health for both of us....( he skipped the salad and had cole slaw instead) and he even tried the barley lentil dish because lentils are on his good list)

Not planning another meal....just had a few crackers and a low carb bar and a PB  granola one and another cup of coffee with sf syrup.

This multiple veg dishes worked really well along with a protein......I think D will adjust to better eating this way....I enjoyed it too.  Helped me get in a lot of veggies today.  I will just keep on doing that and he will get his sugar under control again........no shots wanted here.  I've got this!

Up early after a night that flew by.....slept like a log.  Full of energy and ready to get some things done.  Decided that since my clothes have been just getting too big...today was the day to switch them out so they are going straight from the dryer to the car to donate.  Time to size down...(I've been fighting these baggy things for a little too long)......I didn't count anything yesterday and wondered if it would make a difference.  I do get so tired of counting sometimes.  Curiosity got the best of me and i got the scale out and decided to find out for sure ( I have been so leery of relying on the scale...and going by how clothes fit worked so well...no days of frustration because i was eating the cals/points and seeing the numbers go up)...I'm a no scale convert now!!!!!!  Today brings an old wardrobe to begin wearing again.....This may not be so much fun!!!  Apparently I was in the sweat pants phase the last time I wore these...LOL.  BUT....I'm thankful to have clothes to wear!  Reaching goal is so worth all of the previous 2/3  years angst.  Now out go all of the too big clothes and  I am taking a vow to never buy those sizes again.....It's been so worth it...but I never want to go through it again. 

Thanks to everyone here for your encouragement...it has been a mighty big help!

One thing I will say is that food had taken a mighty big amount of time in my life......shopping, cooking shows, recipe books and just food talk.......I've cut way back on all of that...and food is finally back in it's place and has been replaced with a few other things....and I believe that is what i needed to do.  Food is no longer the be all and end all of my daily life.......it is fuel now and that is where it needs to stay if I am to keep the weight off....being a foodie can cause a lot of trouble for me...LOL

Up and sipping coffee........was awake a lot in the middle of the night and then got sleepy again about an hour before time to get up.......guess I need to work on the sleep training all over again.  Lots of paperwork to do today so it will be a quiet one.  I didn't make the bed right yesterday....and it seemed like I was aware of it all night...maybe that is the answer...sloppy bedmaking ..need to step up my game.

Coffee = 0 points and 2 cals.

Breakfast = 1/2 cup Fage 0%  yogurt and 1 cup blueberries = 1 and 148 cals

Okay...well then this happened....my breakfast did not stick with me at all..only 1 point of yogurt and 0 blueberries...and 4 hours later I was ready to eat every sugar filled item in the house.........so I had a snack...called it a potential food fit , took the pic, counted  it and life goes on.......surprisingly it really didn't hurt my calories or points...so okay!

The snack/food fit = 1 cherry choc built bar, 1, Choc sea salt RX bar and 1 Belvita soft strawberry bar= 17 points and 510 cals

I must say...I'm more than satisfied and I don't think it hurt anything today.  Not hungry anymore.

Mid afternoon = 1 babybel lite cheese, 3 bean salad, cheesy potatoes, blueberries, 1 cup coffee and 1 cup breathe easy tea to sip all afternoon =13 points and 527n cals

points so far today = 31 and cals = 1,183

Woke up feeling a lot better than I have been for days......and I'm thankful for that.  Plenty to do to get caught up around here.  Back to my ususal schedule that works to keep me on track all across the board.  It feels good to be at this point again.

2 egg omelette, salsa, avocado, coffee = 15 points and 516 cals

Dinner was roasted chicken, 1/2 potato and carrot with strawberries = 19 points and 850 cals

no lunch today total cals were 1,366

Well....I'm feeling better and eating carbs like I will never see them again...I can't even begin to tell you what I have eaten today...basically it's a blur.  Since i haven't been eating like that while sick...maybe I'm making up for lost time....no idea....but tomorrow I get back on the routine bus.........Put a roast in the oven for later today.......and other than that I'm being a slug. 

Roads were awful yesterday and since it was shopping day...D took me to all the places.....got boys birthday cards sent......( their birthdays are only 2 days apart).........My new shopping set up is shop on the first day of the month and then any online shopping on the 2nd....so far...so good.   Shopping with him was a bit different...he has a tendency to just stand in the middle of the aisle with the cart......I had to keep pulling him off to the side because he seemed to never notice anyone behind him.............good thing was he chose what he wanted to eat...and it kept me from buying things I shouldn't.....bad thing was I felt like I was being watched.....!!!!!  LOL.....and that may not be such a bad thing.  Got some banking done but not all...because in this one horse town...the people at the desks are only in on weekdays....and only 2 actually in the bank on Saturdays......the woes of living in tiny town. 

I'm singing the praises of Breathe Easy tea by Traditional Medicinals....The stuff is magic and a bonus is that it is delicious!!!   Nuff said!

Our mail and deliveries are totally messed up......we are getting the neighbors and they are getting ours.....our mail lady apparently has trouble reading...and it's frustrating.  The man next door and D,,,have the same first name.....and their last name starts with C like ours.....and both last names contain double letters.....and to make it even more interesting...while our addresses both contain 4 numbers.....20X0........that number where the x is...is the only difference.......and the delivery people ( mail and UPS and Fed Ex)...apparently just scan it quickly and make the wrong choices about half the time......and so....we are trading deliveries like we are hired to do it....luckily they are a nice couple.....LOL....and to make matters worse...the people to the north of us who's name has ZERO to do with ours........has packages coming to our house...for no reason at all........and their names and address is different.......so a good time is being had by all....and I'm now a delivery person without pay!!!

So........tomorrow I will be back to my previous schedule....I'm feeling pretty good and need to get back to counting and pics so that i don't begin to gain......actually accepting the current wt as something I can live with although dropping a little more would be appreciated......it may never happen.  But need to keep on it anyway.......and maybe I need to keep bringing D to the grocery with me just to keep me in line.  If March and April 1st is icy...then that may just happen again.