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view feardfear bio page
feardfear - Thursday Jun 16, 2016
(to write so I think about what I eat.)
Weight: 148.2


HOP, I have two kids, girl and boy. One is turning 3 in October. The other one is 7 months. 

Husband is a GOOD person, and funny and JUST (term sounds very biblical but does convey what I want to say). But alas, nobody's perfect, and he's just missing a trust fund, I tell him.

I have opinions about what works in relationships. But I would not want to intrude with unsolicited comments. However, if they're welcome...  ?




I have been bingeing very badly, like I am trying to shut up voices in my head, that are telling me that I am not doing enough. It is like this: I feel I should be doing something, an URGE, to do something related to writing.. 
Why am I 33 and still have not been published in ..... .......? It had always been my dream. To find truth through words and show it through words, beauty or ugly truths. 


Not that I am not grateful for what I have: 

Husband . Person which I like, love, who is my personal cheerleader, and thanks me everyday for EVERYTHING I do little or small, generous, good dad, interesting, educated, good looking, funny in a dark way, wants to make me happy etc.  

Babies. 2 babies that laugh a lot and cry and smell beautiful. I want to eat them. Sometimes I hug the baby very hard and he burps. Double win.

Health, family that I like ( my inlaws, my own, my parents live and are in good health - at my age and THEIR age it is a blessing).

etcetera etcetera


But is is on my mind all the time, this feeling that I am not doing something. That the BIG WHAT is unrelated to the hugs, kisses, nursing, laundry, park I might be doing at that moment. Isn't it horrible? I wish I could shake it off. I shut it up with food. 


As I do not keep junk food in my house (because I have no self control and would stuff it) you would not believe what I have been eating. I have been getting inventive. Whatever satisfies the sweet tooth (hushes the voices in my head) so sometimes it is almond, apples and honey, does not sound bad does it? But then: a quesadilla, some pieces of bacon, cereal, you name it; whatever is edible. 

Right at that moment, when it is happening, I know why I am doing it and still lie to myself: whatever, I can get it under control, I always am dropping and gaining weight... oh I will nurse this fat away...  



 Good things: 

I have not been bulimic. I think "really? I would do that in my KIDS living space?" somehow I think it would taint my house. 

Also, my bulimia "surfaces" on times of high stress. For example... I would have finals... bam. wedding got closer... bam. Sometimes almost a year goes by without an episode. I hope this is a thing of the past. 

I have been exercising. Everyday. Went to the Y, they got me a kickstart session and I told the lady trainer "look dude I am miserable I feel tired, depressed, I have no fitness goal: I JUST WANT TO EXERCISE TO FEEL BETTER". I described more symptoms and she said "you're dehydrated". 

Well that was it. I was dehydrated. That is why I was so fatigued. I have drank and drank and now it is all good :)

and yes, the exercise has worked and I feel better.



to moms out there. Should I work in "my stuff" (my projects etc) after kids are sleeping? That is the time that I dedicate to my husband (who deserves it), or sometimes I sleep early, finish things in the house... my kids are with me all day and right now I can't afford a daycare, and I have a dependant visa (means my husband is the one who is allowed to work, and I can't, it would be illegal for me to work, even from home... and don't have family where I live who could give me some time off) what should I do? I feel everything I once loved is disappearing... all the material and intellectual things, all the things I thought made me "me", my hobbies and my books, and the galleries I liked, and the aesthetic experiences which I sought and lived and they fed my soul... Should I say goodbye for now? to them? I feel like I am mourning that version of me. 

is it always so time consuming?? the babies?? I want to be happy... for what I have right now. That I get hugs all day. But why do I feel that other pull ? what have been your experiences??


Progress as of today: 0.8 lbs lost so far, only 12.2 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 06/18/2016:
Of course your opinions are welcome. I enjoy reading people's entries past just food and exercise. Anything you write is ok in my book. We are all different, different lives. It's sometimes hard to see other's way of life as ok - when you don't live like them. For instance, i have one certain married coworker who actually recently defriended me on facebook. He doesn't approve of my single life! Or rather, i think he was a little jealous. That i don't have any kids and have therefore more freedom than him in that category...on this whole scenario, i cannot apologize to him for my life. Everyone's different and when i realized he defriended me (i wanted to actually add him into his own category so i could actually block him more on my posts because he's so rude to me lately at work and always seems angry with me...well...i realized he defriended me anyways recently. So, i blocked him fully. He won't even be able to search for me there....I can't apologize to him for my life and my decisions. Whatever....sorry for the rant. This all just went down for me last night.

But yes, talk about whatever you want to talk about here!

You've got babies at home yourself!!! So happy to read about the love you have for your husband. I hope to share that someday. Although I am quite positive that my scenario will be 1,000x different than yours as I don't even plan to live with him 24/7.!

We are the same age. I have also felt your way and binged due to feeling inadequate / negative about the way my life was going. However, based on your entry here, I want to say that i see nothing that could cause you to feel this way. Your life sounds very complete. Maybe you are missing some "me" time. This is important. I hope there's a way for you to carve out some time to work on "you" and then maybe you'll feel better. I think around our age (also i'd say very late 20's thru mid-30's), i think a lot of women go thru a period similar to how you are feeling now. I think it's also sorta hormonal. You just had a baby less than a year ago, could you have slight depression?

Perhaps if you carve out some time to fulfill your desire of being published? you can! you can do whatever it is you want to. The doors to opportunity are all open to you. You have a long life ahead of you still!

I used to binge the same as you when i lived with my parents especially. Because they had the cereals and more of those snack things you mention. Your binges sound a lot like mine in the past. I was feeding an emptiness inside me as well as not using my time valuably. I would have done better with going to the gym & keeping up my routine. The years that i had my worst binging were the years that i really put exercise totally on hold. My tip for you is to try to input an exercise routine, even if it's 15 min walking 4x a week - better than nothing. Exercise can calm the body just like binging does.

As a writer, you may still be able to publish in magazines / journals abroad? I would stay you can still do work at home for you???????

You need to carve out YOU TIME. If you can't work, you can still do things for you.

feardfear - Wednesday Jun 01, 2016
(to write so I think about what I eat.)
Weight: 144.2

Weight loss due to migraines and fatigue (have not been hungry)

Until i found you, advil migraine. my love.

Hubby tonight. "You Are looking fiiiine (something along those lines but in Spanish)I think you lost some weight and uou look great" off handed remark

Whaaaaaat. Me, pressure, former bulimic worrisome perfectionist self trying to resurface, me shoving her down "stay. Where. You. Belong! You're -shove - not - shove - welcome!!" AarrghHow will i keep it off? It was the migraine's work!! Ugh.

Next comment. THIS IS REAL, he said this "Your hands are so beautiful. One day they will be full of wrinkles. Beautiful full of wrinkles" pat hand, pat hand, pat hand (lovingly). Hahahahahahahahahahahhaaha!!!

Tried to stay off coffe gluten and sugar to find out what was causing the damn crippling headaches.

Gluten: success Sugar: so so

Coffee. Well if i already feel i have a bastard behind my eyes (withnail & i anyone?) i might as well have coffee.

So i havent found the culprit. But I found drugs.

(Advil.. I would've left it at "drugs" as a "haha!! Its a joke!! Or is iit?!?!" but then I'm afraid of Intenet people... Not you guys. Other people).

Exercise: great!! Have been exercising a lot because i take my kids to the park. And it's quite a walk. I put them in this stroller, which iis like daddy of all strollers, like the magna cum laude jeep I wish I had wheels like them, and it flies through puddles and sand and mud it's magical. I use it only to find out what else can the beautiful machine do.


Progress as of today: 4.8 lbs lost so far, only 8.2 lbs to go!

happy-1 on 06/01/2016:
"Me, pressure, former bulimic worrisome perfectionist self trying to resurface, me shoving her down stay. Where. You. Belong! You're -shove - not - shove - welcome!!"

OMG... I so completely feel you on this one. I feel that rising up all the time and I have to shove it down. Just be happy and go dancing more!

Horn_of_plenty on 06/02/2016:
LOL! Stroller sounds awesome. I didn't realize you had kids i don't think? how old are they? twins? they sound really young.

good for you on the weightloss. just try to keep eating well...even if your weight goes up a little bit, if you keep doing the right thing, it'll stay low.

you are doing great. glad you found something for your headache.

Horn_of_plenty on 06/05/2016:
Your man sounds so adorably cute. he's so good to you. I need a man to show me more love.

feardfear - Tuesday May 03, 2016
(to write so I think about what I eat.)
Weight: 148.2

super indulged in the weekend. Monday and today ok lots pf veggies and protein. Feeling drained. Going to my hometown tomorrow for 3 weeks. It will be great, toddler will go to preschool there (mom works at the school) Very tired of thinking about weight Think i will lose it when instop breastfeeding the baby, just like i did with the first one. I think body says "shut up you know nothing, i have to hold on to stuff because we have an offspring we have to take care of" Very very tired. Everything has been a struggle. Baby loooooves nursing, but i literally feel him sucking away my energy. This (pointing to self writing at almost 10 pm shot of tequila by my side) is what is left at the end of the day. Tried to workout, emphasis on tried, dropped on the mat and slept for an hour. (Babies were napping also). When my kids grow up i will tell them how hard parenting is, and how it requires energy and love and time and how it is a sacrifice, and also that it is the biggest thing one does for another person, and that we people are eternal beings and it is all worth it, that they are worth it and i would do it again.

Progress as of today: 0.8 lbs lost so far, only 12.2 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 05/04/2016:
Yes, I can not even imagine the energy it takes to parent!

feardfear - Saturday Apr 30, 2016
(to write so I think about what I eat.)
Weight: 148.2


Everything I wrote got erased aaaaaaargh. 

In short

Thank you Horn of Plenty for your comment, I very much enjoyed reading it.

Let's ruminate like happy Swiss Hereford cows on a green hill 

- secretaries. happy. is that life's ultimate achievement? 

I certainly have theories on that, that got erased

There has got to be a balance (somewhere) because I also feel the drive to be better, and this has to be a good thing (the moving forward impulse). However what is behind this drive? I notice that when the motives of something I do have to do with applause and recognition (which I looooveeee), they make me restless and empty. But the pursuit of virtue... uh how to explain this. Makes me rise above myself, brings many good consequences and it branches out during life. And i feel like it has to do with the core of life. Huh. 

- I'm 33 as well. Happy anonymous internet high five!

- It's awesome you studied music. It is so AWESOME. Congratulations. I would probably harass you with questions about your favorite bands and singers, but I won't I  will instead talk of the most interesting topic ever

prepare yourselves people


.eggs w bacon

ham n cheese (a little)

my mindless eating of today: a bowl of berries with a spoonful of almond butter. This does not sound so bad right (in fact i don't have yummy stuff at home because I'd eat it all), but I wasn't even hungry. I was just "resting", bcause toddler turned into Blanka today and baby was fussy so when they took a nap, so that is how I DECIDED TO REST AND ENJOY LIFE. note to self, note to self. 

for the grand finale: 3 bratwurst (smallish( with 4 (smallisH) slices of bread sauerkraut and caramelized onion. It was too much, and it was GREAT. and a moka ipa that was like a meal on its own



Progress as of today: 0.8 lbs lost so far, only 12.2 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 04/30/2016:
You are fun girl! If I knew you outside of the internet, I think we'd be fast friends :)

Sorry it got erased. This sometimes happens to me! I hate when I accidentally press a key and....ugh!

I'm glad you appreciated my comments :) And I totally get what you are saying - it's not the recognition of your doings which is most important in the end - but more the fulfillment we get personally and inwardly from doing things that we truly feel are important and empowering and good (even if we aren't recognized for doing them). I get you - COMPLETELY. And I do feel the same as you. Recognition - of course I love it, but the truth is when we achieve things WITHOUT it (that shows the truest drive!) and when we do things for others & may not be recognized as much (probably all you do at home... and for your family). it's when we aren't loudly praised that some of the actions we've made should make us proudest because not everything in life we do will get that ultimate praise, and this is ok, because it's what we feel in our hearts in the end that's most important. thank you....you make me feel good as I write this comment. You've made me give life a little more thought today. You've made me once again appreciate the gifts god has given me. The gifts my parents gave me. And the gifts I give myself when I celebrate what I do have - when I try my best for me - when I truly am able to love myself and not only look at my failures. So thank you for this...gonna write more, but don't what this deleted! LOL..

Horn_Of_Plenty on 04/30/2016:
your food doesn't sound so terrible at all. Sauerkraut is now a "healthy" food because of it's fermentation. did you know this? awesome. I love caramelized onion too! yummmmm. bratwurst, yum. if the bread was 'light' and only like 40 cals a slice or even 50cals, don't feel bad because as long as the carbs were around 200 calories or so, that's fine! sounds good. if anything if the bratworst was too much, next time try for two and maybe have more veggies and less bread.

I have learned to enjoy eating when not fully hungry and don't get angry with myself for doing so....berries sounds good with almond butter.

in fact, i'm going to have a snack now.

puddles on 04/30/2016:
Having the positive outlook always works better that is what I have found for myself. It motivate me to do even better. Have a great weekend.

feardfear on 05/03/2016:
Thabk you hop and puddles. I loved the long reply.

feardfear - Thursday Apr 28, 2016
(to write so I think about what I eat.)
Weight: 150.2

Thank you for all your comments.

Puddles, every now and then somebody says something along those lines... Thank you for saying that. It is very useful to remember that it goes fast...  

I am a SAHM and sometimes I wonder, what am I missing? what of my potential isn't being realized? BUT ALSO... I want another kid (maybe 2 more? hahaha uuuhhh aaahhh nervousness I should spend leessss save mooore. ooohhh don't tell my husband about my ideas. But oooh I dread being pregnant I JUST DON'T LIKE IT and I don't like breastfeeding. Not all of the time. SOme of the moments of it well, best of my life...but it is so demanding. You know what I mean? those who have breastfed? And my poor boobs really I swear they used to be perky hahaha when I see them they ask me "what happened? why? we were there for you. what did you do to us" and then they retreat in terror from my babies mouth but the baby is fast to catch the boob) because I have maaany siblings and it was the greatest gift my parents have given me. My kids could have that! My kids could have brothers and sisters and it'd be awesome.Whatever happens in life, I have my brothers and sisters and they are there for me. They have been all of my life, in so many ways. And my kids could have that!! I am building a family! There could be more of us!! we can grow in love and awesomeness!   

but then again... uuuurgh. It's a lot of work. Less time for me. But we people are worth it. Or are we. No, yes we are. Or I could think more about myself. Yes, think about me and my projects. What about my masters degree it is just sitting there collecting dust. No, but families are awesome. But. Somebody has to do the work. 

(So this kind of things goes trough my mind everynow and then, but add more thoughts and less order, yes, less. Today I chose to gift you with them. Deep, profund, coordinated thoughts. I'm an essayist, a philosopher, New Yorker material. You're welcome)

today i DID mindless eating. Gluten free chips with Honey. Yes, you read that right, because salty and crunchy with sweetness badaaaam perfection.

oops interrupted by husband. had lovely long chat. OOooohh he is looking like Thor today.  I'm looking at you hormones, damn you, you're doing your tricks again. 

Ok back to business.

breakfast omelette: eggs ham salsa

lunch: meat with half avocado

then the sin i told you about (the chips n honey)

dinner chicken with veggies thai style 

lots of coffee :| maybe that is why I'm so hyper?

not so much water. 

Photos! Soon! Take care everybody.  Tomorrow is Friday! YEEEY! My days don't change at all! YEEEEY!

ps. (acid / ironic tone on the post. want to be friend w everybody. to be taken lightly. kisses YAAAAAAAAAAAAALL)



Progress as of today: -1.2 lbs lost so far, only 14.2 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 04/29/2016:
I feel like I could have written at least some of this entry! lol

I'm single, def no kids, not a mother in the least!...but I think like you do!

I constantly am rolling thoughts back & forth in my head like you do - the "what-if's!?"...I forget what it's called. there's a psychological word for it....it's called...ah, it's called ruminating I think...like mulling over and never really making a decision..i think there's another better word but I forgot. If I remember, i'll tell you!

anyways, it's best to try to be in the moment. I also have a master's degree that has already collected dust! I'm only 33 but I decided to leave the teaching field. I was a music teacher, band, with a master's for only 4 years I did it. I was done by the time I was only 26. never even gave it a very fair shot...

it's ok. life happens. best to move on (us both!) and do what we want. there's nobody that says you should work, or breastfeed, or do anything that you THINK everyone else is doing. it's ok to be your own and do your own thing. don't regret it or feel bad about it.

I see "dumb" secretaries here that are always happy even though they (in my opinion) are idiots.

and you know what, they are better for it. I wish I could be as happy as they are - ALWAYS.

it's like they don't even consider being better. it's like they don't need to. they are just always basically happy in the moment. This is what I suggest to you - because you sound smart like me. I also try this approach and I am learning to do it also. it's better. to just be happy with my current choices.

feardfear - Wednesday Apr 27, 2016
(to write so I think about what I eat.)
Weight: 148.6

Thank you for all the welcomes in my previous post. I started a diary here about 3 years ago and I think, I seem tonremember the same people welcomed me. Thanks guys.

As I read it right now,m (pastnpost) it seems a but gloomy. I was far more positive today, I think bevause I napped during my kids nap. And then my oldest (3 years) went over to a friends house. Glory!! A few hours "alone" (with baby). But if my toddler is gone even for just a few minutes, I can do tons.

Today I ate Breakfast Eggs and bacon Coffee with a bit of milk Lunch ham and cheese Dinner: pineapple and watermelon Snacked on raisins and peanuts (that was mindless eating). Drank a looot of water (breastfeeding so it makes me very thirsty).

On another note, husband and I had been contemplating moving out of the usa (job offer); finally it wasn't the right choice for us. the whole thing took us about 2 months to decide (flying to the interview, then receiving the offer, considering it... It was a process). I "helped" myself during this time with Reeses (cause celery doesnt do the trick). I became very quiet (that is my way of assimilating stuff) and isolated. Poor husband he just said to me "i want you to come back but inwill wait. Just know that whenever youre ready to talk im here".

Any other coffee addicts here? Coffee is both my lover and foe...

Tomorrow i will post my "right now" pictures. I know I meed exercise but i feel breastfeeding is an exercise! It always leaves me so tired...

Progress as of today: 0.4 lbs lost so far, only 12.6 lbs to go!

OhioRaven on 04/28/2016:
1 Large McCoffee every morning.

puddles on 04/28/2016:
I remember really well trying to accomplish something while the kids where around now I miss those day. That statement must sound crazy to you right now but once they leave home you miss the noise and all the craziness of it all. Have a great day.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 04/28/2016:

I am a caffeine addict as well. wayyyy too much, but not caring for the time being as it's not doing me harm right now and it's helping me feel good.

I understand how the chocolate, not celery, did the trick. luckily for me, exercise helps to release a lot of my stress these days.

happy-1 on 04/28/2016:
Mmmmmmm coffee.

feardfear - Wednesday Apr 27, 2016
(to write so I think about what I eat.)
Weight: 149.0

When my 5 month old wakes up in 4 hours, I will remember that I stayed up late, creating a profile and posting this first entry. 

"Precious sleep wasted on another project that I probably won't finish" I will mutter, remembering. (Really, this is how I talk to myself. It is sad because I am lazy and this kind of thinking lets me off the hook).

Hopefully, in the long run, this hours stolen to sleep, will prove useful, and this will be the journaling of thoughts, actions, and progress. 

Progress as of today: 0 lbs lost so far, only 13 lbs to go!

OhioRaven on 04/27/2016:
Welcome to the Big DD.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 04/27/2016:
Of course it will definitely prove useful! But, remember to love yourself. You aren't lazy. this site is best for people who are looking for a very strong, intimate group of people who like to give & receive support. We are def here for each other always!

I have been a member here around 10 YEARS!


puddles on 04/27/2016:
Welcome to the group.

innerpeace on 04/27/2016:

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