Everyone survived July 4. It was a super hard day. Pets and fireworks don't mix, and I had a big cleanup job. It wore me out and I had zero fun. Not happy that this is how my time is going, so yesterday and today I did new checklists. They don't really do anything, but at least I feel like I did something, lol. 

Trying a new format for food logging where I use rows for days and meals, then columns for veg, protein, complex carbs, and cheats. At least see the pattern.

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Chocolate protein powder, instant espresso, almond milk (Delicious)

1/2 a frozen thin crust cheese pizza + spinach + mushrooms

No sugar added, vanilla ice cream

Things to get after today, in any order:

1. Just get up and face the day, despite the exish not having invited me to his birthday yet, or possibly at all - Knocked him in the head till we made plans

2. 

3. Critical errands to do today:

    3A. Pharmacy - Done
    3B. Amazon returns
           i) Pack items
           ii) USPS - Done
           iii) UPS - Tomorrow
           iv) Fedex - Done

4. 

5. 1 item of critical business

    5A. Dad business session. Filing his papers. Call to a company that is messing up - Done
           
    5B. My stuff. My papers.

6. 1 item of household management:

     6A. Pick up bedroom. How does this chaos keep happening? - Done
     6B. Clean out and organize fridge
     6C. Kitchen floor
     6D. Tower in Dad's bedroom
     6E. Garden (after hose washer delivery though... leak is depressing)
     6F. Flies. Where are they coming from?
     6G. Find tarps to put down for bedroom floor and dog.

7. To feel better

     7A. Another round of straight Metally to try and get rid of more black dye
     7B. Clean up the gantt plan I made for my life
     7C. Paint my toes.
     7D. Order a third summer dress in a happy pattern - Done
     7E. Try on jersey maxi dress from Shein order. Fingers crossed.

8. Prioritize getting to bed on time.

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Almond milk, instant espresso

blueberries, cottage cheese

Salad

stevia soda

entire bag of potato chips (oops)

2 apricots

Had a really decent day today. I even put on a pretty dress, makeup and tried to do something with my hair. The effect was decent. I ate 2 salads. I controlled other temptations.

The caregiver came today so I was able to go down and see the Ex-ish for long enought to watch a movie and hang out after. It was just to watch a dumb movie... but oh the infinite luxury of another person to sit and watch a stupid movie with when you are really down. It was more fun than a rock concert at Disneyland.

It's his birthday on Sunday. Last year, I gave him tickets to a horror convention and all it entailed to go... which bombed horribly and laid the foundation for our 60 day no-contact breakup... So this year... I dunno. I bought a Letterkenny DVD set off Amazon that gets here Friday. Not a really great, extravagent thing... but at least something to unwrap. He had his closet door open and I saw the gift bags from Christmas and Valentine's Day there, neatly folded. Seemed odd. I didn't think that meant much to him... Or maybe he's just frugal.

I wish it didn't feel like "if he doesn't invite me to his birthday, he's just not that into me." I know I turn into a puddle and want to crawl into a hole if anyone asks me what I want to do for my birthday. I would practically rather run headlong into a pole than have anyone go to any effort to do anything related to my birthday... or be expected to be happy that day in any way, shape or form.

I did not get nearly enough time with their dog though. Such a good girl.

My poor girl did not do so well with the caregiver... She has the runs and pooped the rug. I hope the caregiver comes back.

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Coffee, almond milk

salad

2 pieces pizza, 1 hot wing, 1 apple cookie, 1 piece bitter chocolate, 2 dark chocolate cherries. I left the bag of dark chocolate cherries with him. He is a walking appetite and can have the calories.

Dad's ice cream

another salad

3 apricots

In bed.. 12 AM Still hungry... hmmm

Woke up infinitely sad and lonely this morning which is not a useful emotion. Smack in the face. Onwards and upwards.

Got a lot done yesterday in spite of myself. I was up on time, roughly, also in spite of myself (ADHD Internet rathole, stayed up till 1:30am looking for birthday gift ideas for the Ex-ish, but had been trying to go to bed since 9:00pm. Ugh.) 

10AM. Need to puzzle out what will move me forward today.

1. Strand tests for hair color remover. - Done

2. Deal with a) "I miss my mom" frog in throat moments, b) horrible anxiety that Ex-ish will be off on adventures in 6mos and I will still be stuck here. I've asked him for help with a couple of things here and there and it never goes well. He freaks out in about 30 min and I need to abandon any effort in progress. c) Choke down quarantine loneliness. Focus on changing the things I can. - Work in progress, daily.

3. Focus on printing Amazon return slips - Done.

4. Shower, check strand results - Done. Didn't work.

5. Lunch - Done.

6A. Wait for UPS delivery - Done

6B. Do personal paperwork while waiting - I added too much here... Tomorrow?

6C - Do return drop offs... Post Office, UPS, FEDEX. Home Depot run and supermarket? - I added too much here... Tomorrow?

6D. Go to post office anyway - done

7. Walk dog. - Skipped. Got too bummed about my hair.

8A. Water garden. - Done

8B. See if I have the will to work the worm castings into one planter bed and plant all the potatoes that sprouted. -  I added too much here... Tomorrow?

9. Attack kitchen floor and finish the project if order arrives today. It will feel so much better to look at a finished project. - Started. 

10. Do something to feel good... A pedicure. Something. - Done. Forgot this was on here... I did another round of the Metally and added some 40v peroxide. I think I got it up to a level 4/5.

3 things are possible in a day. 5 is a stretch. 10 is impossible. But I can try

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B: Coffee and almond milk, a little chocolate syrup.

B2: 1/4 of a frozen pizza

Snack: 1/4 of a frozen pizza

L: 1/4 of a frozen pizza

Snack: Chocolate

Dinner: 1/4 of a frozen pizza, spinach, hamburger patty, hummus, carrots

Extra meals: pasta with olive oil and pepper. My feelings.

One foot in front of the other. Meeting minimum goals for today, but not knocking it out of the park on any level.

Did manage to tackle some paperwork for dad that I had stalled out on completely. OMG. Forward momentum.

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Breakfast: Last of the yogurt raisins

Snack: 1/2 the glass (Almond milk, instant espresso)

Lunch: Leftovers from last night... Pasta, sauce, chicken (oil, breadcrumbs), spinach, cheese

Snack:

Dinner:

Snack: 

Braved the scale yesterday and it read 228.4. that's a 1.4 lb  weight fluctuation, but the right trend anyway.

Slept with earplugs in, got a full night's sleep. Dog pooped her bed again but it was a fair trade.

Went down to the Ex-ish's yesterday. Got to spend some good quality time with the malinois... So smart. She remembered me, came and showed me her toy (which means she likes me and was happy to see me), actually did sit/down/rollover all the way through this time (show off), and later when I told her I thought she was very smart and if I had a choice between sniffing bombs and sufing a family couch, I would absolutely have made the same choice. She gave me the longest, deepest eye contact. Thre was definitely the feeling of an alien intelligence with any dog, but the definite feeling of a very, very, very smart dog. I actually got embarrassed and looked away, at which point she flopped over in the grass and offered her tummy up for rubs.

It was nice to see the Ex-ish too. I dunno what our options are to continue the relationship given that we both take care of a parent and live there, my dog needs a lot of care and it is hard to be away even for more than a couple of hours... But I don't need to figure all that out right now to watch a funny movie.

It's the Ex-ish's birthday next week. Not sure what to do for it or get him.

This week, the organizer comes to help me finish 2 boxes of mom's papers and get other critical things in order.

I promised dad a Sunday breakfast but obstinately I don't want to do it... I not only have to make it and serve it, I also have to clean up from it without a dishwasher. And it's not like it's a healthy breakfast option... ham, eggs, cheese, white potatoes, pancakes... I feel like I am digging my own grave with a fork and serving him poison on a plate.

Today, I need to get stuff done. I really do. 

1. Put in another round of the dye remover - Done, although not much came out this time I think. I can check the before photos when it's dry.

2. Water the garden - Done

3. Shower and scrub out dye remover - Done. Came off in one pass with dish detergent instead of shampoo. Only need to take one shower today.

4. Move everything into my bedroom the organizer needs to work on

5. Make brunch and clean it up (sigh) - Done. Made dinner instead.

6. Help dad with his paperwork - This was the primary plan for the day and didn't happen because dad slept the entire day. He's up raring to go at 6:30pm... That's the end of my day. I go to bed at 8pm.

7. Put up the curtain rod in his room - Done. Surprisingly sweaty

8. Get to work on that kitchen floor - Done for now. Need a different blade.

9.  Make an agenda for the week - Done enough

10. Try to eke one more usage out of the vacuum - Done. Small miracles can be worked with paper clips

And 3 things in a day is realistic... 5 is a stretch and 10 is impossible.

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B: Instant espresso, almond milk, protein bar

2nd breakfast: 3 eggs, cheese, 2 pieces rye toast, unsalted butter 

Lunch: Last of the homemade turkey chili, brown rice, cheese

Snack: 2 chocolate popsicles forgotten in the freezer

Dinner: Breaded chicken fried in olive oil, pasta, homemade tomato sauce, spinach. Sunday dinner for dad but he slept through it.

Snack: Yogurt raisins

Snack, 2 creese and crackers trays, split with dog.

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I did not feel like cooking tonight, but did it anyway and it wasn't as hard as I had pictured. 9 things today. Yay me.

Thanks to new high rating earplugs, I slept the whole night undisturbed by pets.

Yesterday, my vacuum cleaner, toaster oven, and main oven broke. Ugh. I can add that to the Alexa microwave I still haven't cleaned out and restored to the household, the floor I need to finish replacing, the back door that needs to be repaired, the curtain rod I need to hang, the tower I need to disassemble, the rug that needs to be deep scrubbed, and the garage that needs to be messed around with so the garage door opens. And all the paperwork I need to do. And the trip to FL I need to take. And then so on, and so on, and so on.

Aaaaaaaaack.

But I got sleep. I can deal. I have massive PMS and bloating even in my fingers... but I can deal.

So the healthier baked fritters as a "Hi, mother of the guy I am sort of vaguely seeing, don't really talk to much and just trade memes, and have no future plans with... Please think well of me. I offer you this savory appetizer and dip... and a pack of seltzer?" will need to be fried and I have nothing to absorb the oil that will coat the pan at the bottom. Maybe I should bring flowers and cookies from the store instead... Ugh. Effort.

So...

1. Caffinate, log here, put on pants. - Done

2. Water garden and unload soil and worm castings from car. - Done

3. Clean up kitchen and attempt fritters. See how bad they are. - Skipped. It wasn't going to go well. Instead, I sorted dad's mail into trays by company. Talked to my aunt. I'm overwhelmed and exhausted and I sound that way... Everything is a project.

4. Shower, makeup, real clothes, and do something with my hair. - Done

5. Call vacuum customer service and the repair shop to see if they have the part. It's just a clip to hold the canister.. Should be doable. Buff out nails while on the phone. I've given up on polish during quarantine. - Skipped

6. Go to Ex-ish's for a couple of hours. Stop for flowers and cookies. Not planning an all day thing. - Done. Fun. Long drive though.

7. Head home. Possible 99 cent store trip in his area. They have all the good stuff... but possibly all the good garden stuff there is actually sold in January. They have som 4' shepherds hooks... but I don't want to add any more complexity. - Skipped, too tired

8. Make dinner and feed dad. - Skipped. Did all the dishes and cleaned the counters... and just got too tired to cook, especially with 2 broken ovens. I offered him pizza and he said he would have a frozen dinner.

9. Curtain rod, then pick a project if there is time... Floor or rehabbing planter beds. - Skipped, wiped

10. Prioritize going to bed on time. - Done!  

I'll stop there... because only 5 things are realistic in any given day and I am already up to 10am, and I've been sluggishly waking up for an hour and a half... and now my brain is on.

Time to put on pants.

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Breakfast: Almond milk, instant coffee, chocolate syrup (so bad for me but couldn't chug it down this AM. Sour somehow.)

2nd Breakfast: 2 eggs, cheese, toast, unsalted butter 

Snack: Skipped - Hard to get time and space at home to eat. The cat wants onto my plate, my dog wants out and away when I am eating but turns down food.... and then back in again before I am done. Plus I just can't think through cooking here... there's too many unfinished projects.

Lunch: Chicken cesar salad and seltzer grabbed while out picking up flowers and cookies.

Snack: water, 3 cookies with the ex-ish

Dinner: Lean cuisine and spinach

Snack: PBJ on white

One foot in front of the other. Several busy days in a row and didn't log.

Wednesday was surprisingly good. I stole my printer back from my dad and set his up so he could use it with new printer cartidges. Then the caregiver came and took my dad for an outing. I got to take a bath and scrub till I was soft and pink and new again. Ate a lot of junk.

Thursday, I tryed the Metally castor oil hair treatment and it actually removed some of my horrible black hair dye. Then the professional organizer came and got through 6 boxes of my mom's paper hoard. This was a harder day because I only had 3 hours of sleep under my belt. Ate a lot of junk.

So today, I was actually up at 6, but so groggy I accidentally fell asleep again and didn't wake up till 9:30/10. Any time I oversleep like this I really get screwed up. My head is just a mess and I want food. I need to go to the post office and Home Depot.

Tomorrow, I see the ex-ish. There's no meal "planned" but I don't want to show up empty handed at his mom's house... Thinking maybe some fritters with a spicy yogurt dip... I could do this recipe with some broccoi slaw... 

https://www.lowcarbmaven.com/broccoli-fritters-cheddar-cheese-recipe/

So then today...

1. Lunch - Forgot to eat.

2. Help dad - Got thrown off because dad went to sleep, and the cat was missing. Found the cat on our patio and fed him... He'll love it when it is set up to be a catio. I just need to get it to the point where I can spray it down once a week for fleas.

3. Post office - Done

4. 99cent store for garden and hair supplies - Done, too hot to be outside with a mask on. Came home to eat. Fed dad.

5. Home depot garden pickup - Done

6. Vons for fritter supplies - Skipped, came straight home because the cat was out and fireworks were starting.

7. Water garden, get ready for mixing worm castings into planter beds. - Skipped. Washed the cat, spent a couple of hours recovering. It's a lot of work.

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10ish... Instant espresso, almond milk, protein bar

2:30ish... Southwest salad packet, cheese and deli meat snack pack,

Snack: Coconut cashews

5ish... Burger and fried pickles... Because there was a box at the 99 cent store and I couldn't resist.

7ish: 4 choc chip cookies

9ish: 2 small oranges

10ish: sleep meds, 1/2 a pbj, supplement pack

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Doesn't feel like I did anything to move myself forward today. I hate that. I need to feel like I somehow made progress every day. Nothing of value completed today, but I am just going to bed. Get back on habit. Make it happen.

Super chill day without a demanding, bossy tom cat yowling at me all day long. Can I put him back outside?

Except he's so charming.

And there we are. This tom cat is my bad boyfriend.

Miraculously, I had a good day.

I did't gt evrything done that I wanted to but the only 2 things that I had to do I did... plus I wove up, got coffee and sat on the patio with my dog while I drank it, then got dad off with the caregiver to go to the grocery store and I took a bath. A wonderful bath where you get time to scrub and fluff everything then slather things with Vaseline so they are pink and soft and ready to be polished and painted.

I am now craving cotton gloves that I can use on my hands. Preferably touchscreen.

Fell off everything since Friday after the caregiver left till this morning. Have spent days sleeping 11-12h at a shot, eating too much and on the internet researching how to fix my hair and what tops I could order cheaply. I basically just sat here online searching in an ADHD rathole.

Had the awkward conversation with her yesterday that I didn't sign up for summer session at the community college because some days I just don't get out of bed any more... and an accelerated 5 week session is probably not the place to start... A normal semester would be a lot easier to start with.

Exhaustion? Depression? Don't know. Just have to slap myself in the face, get out of my pajamas, and figure out what I can do with the rest of today. It is 2pm... Thank you for letting me brain dump here...

Here are the projects I can easily pick up and work on today. So what should I do to move forward?

Clean my room

No matter what else is higher priority, I always seem to start here. Like my brain isn't in order unless this is handled. 

Why is it always such a mess by the time I fall asleep, no matter what I do.

Go to the 99cent store

Mostly down because my hair is so bad. I found this article with another woman facing the exact same issue and identical fade pattern in the dye on her hair... https://www.haircrazy.com/forum/dyeing/9985/how-do-i-go-from-rusty-red-hair-to-medium-ash-brown/ 

If I start here, that bottle will be waiting for me to shower and give me hope the rest of the day.

Make dad dinner and wash the dishes

Dad wants hamburgers for dinner. If I put them in the toaster oven, I can wash dishes at the same time. Where the sinkfuls and counterfulls of dishes come from I do not know.

Order worm castings for the planter beds

I need to prepare the soil in the beds to plant the rest of mom's garden. It's a blocker. Have been waiting for nursery to get them in but they aren't getting any shipments. Have to order from home depot.

Requires also writing a thank you note.

Search the garage for ratchet bit driver before ordering online

I have super sore hands from trying to take apart some shelves in my dad's room so he can move his desk in there and have some AC before it gets punishingly hot. I need a ratchet bit driver. I thought I had one but it might have been in the rusted tools I recycled. I could look in the garage for it. There's a lot to move out of the way to do that.

Pack more supplements

Which for some reason I am not taking daily, even the ones that are packed, and I know they are on the path to feeling better. But I don't.

Go through receipts for expenses for reimbursement

A long arduous task, but essential on my path to freedom.

Sort out returns and put them in the car

I have a bunch of stuff to return. It is not packed up with return slips which I need to print and mail. Kind of need dad to go to bed and get out of the living room to do it.

Pull remaining boxes of paper out of the middle bedroom for organizer Thursday

There are 6 more boxes of papers to shred or toss. I am having the organizer go through them for me because all I do is cry and it takes me a day to get through a 1/4 of a box.

Transplant succulent buds to shot glasses

I have a bunch of succulent leaves that happened to successfully spawn buds. I need to get them out of the bed and into some red solo keg cups before I do the worm castings in the beds.

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Look at that. Magic. I dump out here and get back on track.

So far I have :

• Cleaned my room
• Gotten myself to eat something
• Caught the cat before he puked on the rug
• Vacuumed the house
• Started the daily laundry load
• Showered
• Dressed
• Picked up mail
• Gone to the store for shampoo and dinner stuff
• Made dinner, washed dishes, started second load of laundry
• Watered garden, tied up 2 more tomato plants
• Reheated dinner for dad
• Fed the pets
• Taken a real break (Why does everything seem so overwhelming?) and unfortunately also ate 8 cookies and a glass of almond milk
• Submitted my order for Shein... Hair stuff for getting dye out they had cheap, a shirt, dress, bras, headband
• Updated here
• Ordered worm castings and soil for pickup at Home Depot.
• ... Brain fry... 9:30pm... Decided just to go to bed
• Ate a ton of stuff I shouldn't have eaten

Not really a full day's work but more than I did the last several days... Except yesterday when I tried to tackle the shelves on my own without the right tools. That was... a learning experience.

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Up 5AM, but went back to bed for some unknown reason. 10AM moving. 2PM slap in the face to be productive.

B: 2 protein waffles with unsalted butter, iced coffee (almond milk, instant espresso, chocolate powder, stevia) 

Snack: Skipped, in adhd rathole

L: Skipped, in adhd rathole

Snack: I should get off the computer and eat something now.

Snack: Leftover turkey chili, brown rice, hot sauce, cilantro, green onions, tomato

D: Made dad burgers for dinner. Bun, patty, 1/2 slice cheese, low sodium ketchup. 1/2 bag of sweet potato fries

Snack: Unfortunately... 8 cookies and a glass of almond milk

Snack: If I am hungry, I should eat something real, right? Turkey sandwich on rye with chese, lettuce, tomato, mustard

Snack: Still hungry... blueberry protein waffle PBJ.