Day 1 of 60 days of biking before I snack
This is after midnight... but I wanted to just dump out here... Got into a fight with my dad because I was running around and being a little terse and he asked me what was wong and why I was unhappy and I indulged myself and told him why... I don't know why I did it. I knew his apology would just be a cop out and infuriating. He won't do anything about making amends. All I did was create more stress and drama.
Basically I shared that I am still upset about my birthday 2 weeks later... He said I am sorry you are still upset about your birthday. You have no idea what you do to me every day. When we went I was hungry and tired. I told him that I feel that apology was a cop out.
More today/tomorrow. I did my checklist as much as I could. I'm just turning off the computer and going to bed.
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Dad at least tried calling the meal delivery service today. I was pretty impressed... That would be a huge load off me. I feel like I do nothing but go to the grocery store and I can't get him to eat in a structured way so he is always hungry.
Got dad to a doctors appointment today for leg wraps. He started crying after because mom always took him to do that and helped him when he was using bandages. I wish I had helped her more. The house was so full of stuff I could never think past how overwhelming it was.
My big victory today was figuring out why I wasn't getting any resistance on the trainer, getting on the bike for 20 min, and getting my heartrate up to the 130s for 20 min. My dog was fascinated and kept sticking her head by the pedal and getting knocked in the face the whole time. I think she was remembering when I used to ride my bike and she'd run next to me. Poor old dementia doggie. I luv her.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Day 60 of 60 of no contact with ex and making every day count
I can’t believe I crossed a finish line for anything I set for myself as a goal. I have never managed to do that for myself... I always fell off as soon as I hit any road bump. Just now as I am writing this, I realized that what it was was a simple substitution... Instead of texting my ex or calling him or crying about him... I had to do something from my project plan to make that day count. Didn’t matter what the priority was or if something else would have helped more... I just did whatever my energy was at for handling task complexity. I apologize for the 40 or so days I did not read other people’s logs or respond to comments... I will look and read and pick up my slack. Between my mom’s passing, my dad’s health and drama, complete and total heartbreak over my ex, overwhelm at the sheer total of work ahead of me, I just went down and after it with blinders on for a little bit.
Since my biggest self destructive act right now is eating snacks after dinner, my next 60 day push is just to ride my bike on the trainer for an Alexa 5 min timer before I eat anything after dinner. Not intensely, just lightly to make myself wait and resolve whatever is eating me instead of eating my emotions. I will keep a pair of shoes and a bottle of water by the bike at all times to make this easier.
I celebrated my success and set a goal for the next 60 day push... To fit into an "oversized" Lululemon size 12 rain jacket to replace my disintegrating windbreaker... I had to do it... it was on clearance, it is long enough to cover my butt after yoga, and packs down into a belt bag. No returns... so I have to make it fit.
Bedtime checklist helped me start getting back to a routine today. I woke up, started coffee, got dressed, and got to church (late but I made it). The substitution I need to make is to put a different alarm clock there... It is too hard to reset and hitting any button changes the time. I was up till 2:30 am trying to get my dad to go to bed ao he wouldn’t fall out of his chair and then slept too late. My alarm was my cat who decided enough was enough and I should get up and feed him. Good kitty.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Congratulations on completing 60 days!!!
Hugs. You were the inspiration. Would really have helped me tonight.
Day 59 of 60
Made this morning count by staying on track to get to yoga and coming back to take dad out, no matter what. It was the plan and I stuck to my agenda.
Didn't actually make it out. Dad worked himself up into an anxiety spin over an errand we wee supposed to do together and his breakfast came back up. He spent the day stewing in anger, yelling at me everytime he saw me. I just turned around and went back to my bedroom each time. This, however, meant I made no progress on the kitchen.
All the more reason to work on fitness and self care.
Bedtime checklist super helped. Tonight I put the alarm clock next to the coffee maker so I turn it on faster.
Meeting a friend at church tomorrow. Just braving "all the people" to keep one friend. It's worth it.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Day 58 no contact and making every day count
Did not make yesterday count. Back strain + binge eating. Muscle relaxer helped today and I slept most of the day. Got up today and cleaned the bathrooms and the patio. Wore myself out again.
2 days left on "No contact". Prepping myself for the phone not to ring on day 61. I do really miss him... Not just having some company... although I miss that too. I miss how much confidence he gave me that I can pick myself up and pull myself together because he's done it for himself so many times... Plus it would have been a happy future to look forward to. He's long gone and probably in a new relationship already.
I deserve a life of my own and someone to share it with, but I feel like I am running out of gas on motivation and vision. Looking at my project plan today at least helped me get out of my own way and dig through more of my dad's papers.
Because I kicked my own butt, I get to say that I made today count by finding four (not just one but four!) essential documents to move myself forward on getting back to work.
I also bought two digital photo frames I can send to mom's friends so they can see photos of things as I go through all her treasures.
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Breakfast: cup of grapes, 1 piece of cheese, water
Snack: 2 pieces of whole grain toast, unsalted butter, coffee, mct creamer, nonfat powdered milk.
Lunch: Leftover chicken stir fry from last night, seltzer
Snack: RX bar
Snack: RX bar
Dinner: Broccoli, sweet potato, unsalted butter, chicken thigh
Snack: grapes, 2 cheese sticks, supplements
Snack: PBJ on wheat
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Day 57 of 60 of making every day count and no contact with ex.
Hard to believe I am actually about to cross the finish line on a "challenge" I have set for myself. I can't remember ever actually pulling anything off over this period of time before. Usually I fall off track if there is a major upset or drama... or if I just get bummed. I may not have done every day perfectly and there were some days I just fell over, but I did everything I was capable of doing every day. I think the next "challenge" I will set for myself is to increase my ability to do more every day.
Need to think about how I will do that. When I made my before bed checklist, there were 35 things I needed to do to be able to go to bed. No wonder I have been up till 2AM.
Yesterday, the only thing I did to make it count was to sort 3/4 of a shoebox of dad's papers and go through the books on the shelves in the living room and try to start tidying them up... the bookshelves were just a mess of things stuffed everywhere, biooks faling over and dust. Now at least they are in order. I think I was just super, super tired and my back really hurt. Feeling better today.
Not sure yet what I will do to make it count... So far I have done a lot of tidying but nothing that moves me forward to getting back to work.
Dad scared me by almost falling out of his office chair last night when he tried to stand. If he falls, my time will go to changing diapers and full assist, not going back to work. So most of my time loss was to research a change in dad's computer setup for fall prevention using cheap products off Amazon for about $250... Which seems like a decent price. He's in a rolling office chair and scared me last night by almost falling out of it. I think if I put the recliner on risers ($40), have an over bed/arm chair desk on wheels ($70), and then mount his monitor and laptop on arms ($140) to swing forward from a separate desk on the side, he can sit in the recliner, pull the desk closer to him, and then pull the monitors toward him to see the screens up close.
I'll start with the monitor risers. YES. If he can stand up easier with a 3" lift... Everything else works.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Risk of falling is very scary. I worry about this with my husband quite often, especially in winter but also anywhere in the house, a store, etc.
Day 56 of 60
Made yesterday count by:
Yesterday with dad was hard and he said mean things.Got stressed out, stayed up too late again and woke up at 9. Mind over matters and things that don't matter. Just because he is hard and mean to himself and it bubbles out to me does not mean that I have to listen to it or think that way about myself. But it's too many days in a row of stress and I am burned out.
Things I did to boost myself up again...
Breathing deep. Focusing. Getting back on track. Pushing that anxiety monster down.
Productivity goal for today is to make the calendar for the month and sort additional shoe boxes of dad's papers.
Day 55 of 60
Only things I managed to do yesterday were return the rug cleaner and take dad to the doctor. OMG it wore me out. Apparently dad has barely any fluid in his lungs now. I thought he was not using oxygen at home because he’s a pain in the pain in the ass but it is actually because he is doing better. I must have looked awful because his doctor gave me a hug and told me I am doing everything right and to just hang in there. I feel like I look awful.
He did seem droopy this morning so I made him use it. He felt better and started ordering me to do things before I had even had my coffee. I am now exhausted again.
Too tired and stressed Got a late start this morning (10ish) and then got disrupted from cardio by getting involved with dad while feeding the pets. I need to get my bedtime and AM routine under control ASAP. This probably means buying the smallest microwave possible for my bedroom, making a new before bed checklist, and trying to get out of the house first thing in the AM instead of trying to ride my bike first. If I am here, I am sucked in and stressed out before I can accomplish anything..
Today I will tackle one shoebox of dad’s papers and pick up my prescriptions, try to get to bed early.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Day 54 of 60 days of making every day count and no contact with ex.
Did not manage to make yesterday count because I succumbed to the anger and unhappiness in my soul insted of taking my emotions as information and controlling my reactions. I started out well. A cup of coffee and half a PBJ, aromatherapy lamp going, glorious 3 way cuddle with the pets while watching TV... Made blueberry pancakes for my dad. Then everything went awry and I ate too many after dinner snacks and fell asleep with the lights on.
At least I woke up at 6AM today.Tried to put on sneakers and ride the bike but found I had torn out the stitches in my foot in my sleep and had to do a little first aid. Can't have anything rub on it today so no sneaker friction.
I will make today count by returning the rug cleaner, washing one cabinet down and caulking it, and sorting one shoebox of dad's current papers. These are small goals because I have to take dad to two doctor's appointments, possibly a grocery store and a haircut, and it is going to wear me out.
I want to take a week away and go to a Korean spa and get scrubbed and rubbed till I am pink and new again, then lay by a pool in the sun and forget everything I don't want to think about. Maybe Palm Springs... It's a good place to forget about bad things and parts of you that you don't like for a little bit so you can build back up to being your higher self.
I think that's a good goal to work towards. It will take a while to get to... I'd need to have provisions in place for dad and the pets... and we aren't there yet.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Day 52 of 60 of no contact with ex and making every day count.
Box fans have been running on low a couple of days and I woke up without the sore thoat and flu-like feeling. I am ridiculously excited about what the results for the mold test from what I scraped off dad's oxygen machine filter.
Just need to conquer the back and neck pain.
Today I got a haircut. I also made sure I got the hairstylist a gift certificate for the market next door for the holidays. I think this is the first time I have ever consistently gone to the same hairstylist. She always makes me feel better, the cuts she gave me were life changing and she deserved a little holiday cheer. I'm almost never this organized.
I also gave myself the morning off to sleep. Yesterday was just exhausting.
I made today count by working on the rugs and reassembling the living room.
I got dad some chocolate chip cookies and I had too many while doing chores. Got dad Del Taco to get him to go over the bills list I made and ended up getting myself a taco and a chicken avocado bacon salad which I added power greens to to make it more filling... After my birthday I just don't have the will to fight him anymore... but I end up eating badly too.
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Wall heater isn't working and turning it off doesn't stop gas from flowing, even in the pilot box switch. Up late waiting for a technician and decided to compound it by pulling everything out of the kitchen into the dining room so I can donate as much as possible.
Probably not making it to church tomorrow.
Tomorrow is another day.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
I tried many hairdressers before I found one I liked.
That chicken bacon avocado salad sounds amazing. Was it?
When my step-father was declining, he was on a no-sodium diet. At the end, the doctor said that it was more important for Step-Dad to eat anything, sodium or not. The no-sodium diet probably gave him a little more time with us, until it didn't.
All you can control is what you eat. You do not have to participate in the unhealthy eating, although it's hard. Very hard.
The same thing happened with my mom... Tried desperately to get her to eat... But couldn't. Dad is bine-eating so it throws a different slant on the low sodium diet... I'm really strict about what I bring home so that as he piles on the food he can't pile on as much sodium. So lots of fruit... lowest sodium options for deli, bread... single serving slices of cheese.
Day 51 of 60 of making every day count.
Made yesterday count somehow. Barely remember. I was so tired everything is a blur and I just wanted to fall over almost the whole day yesterday.
Making today count by:
And another milestone date...
Nov 1 is the milestone I set with dad 90 days ago with the bereavement counselor of being ready to open the doors and invite life in together and also make a decision about whether to stay together with me as his caregiver (with in home assistance) or to split apart and have him go to assisted living.
I haven't reminded him about this yet, mostly because I can't really say what I want yet. I thought it would only take me 30 days to get him into a bedroom... But it took me almost the whole 90. Paperwork takes so much more work to go through than clothes or anything else and I had to clear a 10x25 room packed to the ceiling of it with a professional organizer. I lost count of how many trash and recycling bins we filled. If I had to decide based on the last 90 I would say no, pack him off to a nursing home and I'll take the pets and go live in my car if I have to. Every day has been an unbelievable amount of work and struggle with both of us at each other's throats.
Most likely I won't be willing to say that to anyone for another 90 days... have things in order enough to take immediate action on any communicated decisions. There's still another packed bedroom and a garage. Logically I don't need to go through them and toss stuff. I could put him in a home and hire a hoarder cleanout service... But emotionally... Oh geez. I feel like I'm camping in the wilderness excavating a airlplane crash to find pieces of my mom and reassemble the body. Whenever I find something she lost that was precious to her I put it in her beloved cedar dresser with her self portrait on top... and her ashes in it... Like all her missing pieces put together will let her move on.
But I can say that by the end of today, we will be ready to open the doors and invite life in. When the rug dries, I will be able to do yoga. And I will likely be ready to cook Thanksgiving dinner here. If I have anyone who wants to come.
And who knows? With a private bedroom, space to walk, and things in place to have people over, dad might be easier to be around.
Side notes...
The box fan filters were an amazing improvement. I woke up without asthma for the first time since I started sleeping in here. I was so shocked I just laid there trying to figure out why I felt so good before I realized. Nose was still a little plugged and throat was still sore, but I could breathe. If I had the bike in the right spot and my coffee maker in my room I could have hopped right on it and gotten my workout in. Tomorrow.
Black light search revealed cat is shockingly innocent of peeing the house, except the 3 times he looked me square in the eye and pissed the carpet in a fit of rage post-dental surgery. This morning he came to give me wake up snuggles and finally took up teddy bear pose under the blankets. He even rested his throat on my ear so I got the full effect of his purrs. He also snores. We have so much in common.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Trivial perhaps but thank you for your review of the HEPA filter box fans - I know someone who could benefit from this, and Christmas is coming soon.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B013RA1SJG/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o01_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
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I can see why you chose to "go there "... sometimes you just get to the point where it has to come out.
I see what you're saying about the apology feeling like a cop-out, too. (((hugs)))
I am looking forward to the caregiver group that is starting up again in January. It's hard to figure out what is sharing my thoughts vs being mean vs setting boundaries when my dad is really not able to do anything for himself and is completely dependent on me... and there is nobody else in his life here regularly.
But also maybe it was good. He looked at one of the completed forms I filled out and reviewed it... this one was for the meal delivery service.
questforthebest on 11/11/2019:
hi there, yoh family dynamics. can get so complicated... I have been learning, the very hard way, that sometimes we need to accept that people will not live up to our expectations and just allow them to be. I also always project my expectation onto people and find I am often disappointed.
Cute doggie! so curious <3
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