219.5... YAY. I'm not going completely off track while I get my paperwork together.

Spent the day contemplating moving out. Friend from church needs a roommate and I offered her a temp sublet for a month or two so she can find someone... but it turns out she’s not renting the whole room by itself... she’s doing a sharing setup with multiple people in one room. She’s also trying to rent out her couch. Basically as many as 6 roommates at a time in a 2 bedroom condo. It sounds like escalating crazy and I don’t think it’s a good idea. She also doesn’t want anyone who is dating as a roommate. That’s not going to work, lol.

---

Deleted all of the kickboxing instructor’s digital trail. It won’t work out... He doesn’t have his own place and I am on my parent’s couch still... and I’ve pretty much wrecked my life... so I’m not competitive enough. I’ll text back but I won’t bug him first anymore. He’s got more than enough going on without my complications.

I need to give myself a hug, get up and get back on track.

—

Got a lot done today. Real progress. Feeling pretty good about that. Onwards and upwards.

No weigh in today... Not enough sleep and forgot to do it. I did get back down to 220 over the weekend. Fell off track a bit with sleep, eating and exercise Fri night - Sunday... But I am back on track today. Got up at 3am and couldn’t get back to sleep... but I walked my dog to the park, drank lots of water, ate my oatmeal, and next I will bike to the store to get my dog her favorite bagels.

Made some progress yesterday on paperwork. Getting back to being a functional adult.

---

6:30pm. Spent the day not terribly productive, except for 2 dog walks and a bike ride. Cannot get guy from Friday night off my mind. He is literally occupying all the available space in my brain. Those must be some pheromones... Or it was the secondhand nicotine. Geez. Who was OOMLG? What was so great about him? I don't remember. Something something. What did he even look like? Seems hazy.

Fighting off the urge to down an entire pizza to bury inconvenient emotions.

One foot in front of the other. Logging here as I go for "virtual" company as I conquer paperwork tasks that are between me and getting to know a super tall, super hot kickboxing instructor that thinks I'm adorable.

 Had a fun date tonight. We met up for frozen yogurt. Nice to go out with someone who actually likes me for a change. I’d see him again. He’s a big, good-looking guy and pretty good company. Catch (in addition to others but it is all a trade off) is that he is definitely more than just an occasional smoker... And that’s a little... gross.

Fell behind on commenting and reading logs... Will get to that over the course of the day. So glad I have DD and folks here to help me "think out loud".

Having an "overwhelmed", "irritable" and "short tempered" day that started last night and is continuing today because I haven't done the personal life stuff I have needed to do the past couple of weeks, plus I have this dull, constant pressure in my neck. Giving myself a hug and getting back on track.

OT today. I didn't do any of my homework so I called and asked if I should still come in, and she says yes. I want to bail on my PT appointment today because A) every time I have seen him he gives me a 3-4 day headache and B) I don't think our teamwork is there. I definitely get the sense from him that he doesn't think I am going to actually feel any better and seeing me is a waste of his time.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

---- Where my time is going...

Yesterday I spent the rest of the day working on my app idea for my portfolio (5+h), then about 5, realized I needed to fix my classpass account, so I could go to Yoga but couldn't figure it out and got overwhelmed. 7 realized I was hungry and my dad came out looking for food... Got into friction with him*... So I gave up and took my dog for a walk... Which was smart. When I came back, I spent the next 3h making food, washing the curtains I had taken down, setting up the dining room, feeding my parents, cleaning up from dinner, putting the other half of the chicken on and then putting it away in single servings. Got to bed about 10, but couldn't get to sleep till midnight.

At least all my food choices were healthy and on track.

This morning I woke up with my alarm about 5 and should have taken my meds but I was too groggy and hit snooze till 6. I got up, showered, dressed, and started picking up more of the mess**, trying to figure out what to eat... because I had a protein shake and oatmeal but really wanted eggs... and got into conflict with my mom because I asked her to do a research task***. My dad came out and started making eggs so I asked him to make me some too and the whole thing turned into an out of scale conflict****...  I took over making eggs and toast*****, fed parents, and at that point I just started responding "I need a time out" to every request and question. 

Somehow they survived the next 3h without my help. I gathered my thoughts, took out the trash and the recycling bins for collection, and started sorting my paperwork. Also wrote this post.

11:16 now, have to leave in 30 min for OT and PT. Not sure it is worth the driving risk, time and gas. Going anyway.

At least all my food choices were on track.

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* = He wanted to eat right then not in 30 min. He wanted to eat together in the dining room, but it wasn't set up yet.

** = It's a hoarder house, so mess just drifts around, like islands of trash in the ocean... I take chunks out of the islands and make them smaller, but they are ever-present... also when I am overwhelmed or dealing with a parent/dog tantrum, I make a mess while dealing with another mess... endless cycle)

***= My mom won't let me fix the bathroom sink without a plumber to call. It's been over a year. I asked her to find the number of a plumber she wants to call. She got angry that I wanted to fix it because she feels like she has no control.

**** = There was a pan from the chicken soaking overnight because the foil tore and things got burned on and he didn't like that there was a messy pan... He wanted cheese for the eggs and I don't buy cheese anymore so I didn't have any. He wanted tomatoes, but when I pulled out the tomatoes they had gone bad and I wouldn't let him eat them because he got sick off a bad tomato a couple of weeks ago... He couldn't remember when, so I said, "Remember it was my birthday and you got really sick from that tomato so we didn't do my birthday?" and then he couldn't remember and felt bad so he bailed on making eggs and so I had to make them.

*****= While I made eggs, he found more things that he thought I should take care ofI am gathering electronics for recycling and he thinks they are valuable and should be sold on ebay. Nobody wants a broken printer. He was going through the pile and talking about how they are worth something. Then my dog started doing something he got anxious about. The dog is fine. Nothing was wrong. But it was more than I could process at the time so I shouted "One disaster at a time!" louder than I meant to... it instantly feels like I kicked a puppy so I feel worse. 

223.3. Still up but I think it is sodium and the 2/3 of a small frozen pizza that is sitting like a rock in my tummy.

Feeling a billion times better today. Not sure if I am more productive... but I feel more together.

This took 5.5h:

1. Wake up. 
2. Take meds.
3. Make and eat meal 1... espresso protein shake... wait for fog to lift.
4. Make bed.
5. Gave dog pain meds and vitamins. Changed her bedding. Hormone balancing stuff may be starting to work. She didn't pee last night. 
6. Showered.
7. Make meal 2... oatmeal. Realize it won't work because it is steel cut oats and I didn't set them up the night before and they will take time to soften up. Make everyone breakfast instead. Pancakes, sausage, apple cranberry compote. 
8. Deal with dad's tantrum over me not paying enough attention while I am cooking. Deal with dad's second tantrum because the dining room isn't back together yet... that part of the rug was extra wet and is still drying. Deal with dog's tantrum because I am making pancakes and sausage and it smells good.
9. Serve parents.
10. Eat.
11. Put away 4 sinks of dry dishes.
12. Wash all the new dishes.
13. Wipe down all the counters.
14. Take a 30min break to rest my neck because Legcramps says I'm not being lazy if  do that. Set Bearcountry's timer because I am taking a limited break.
15. Get inspired to use a no code app platform to "think out loud" about my pricebooking app idea... that I just can't get out of my head to think about other things. Did a little lite research.
16. Get inspired to install updates to my computer... which will take an hour. Time to get up.
17. Clean the microwave. (Cleaning the rugs made me realize the kitchen and bathroom need a deep clean too.)
18. Made lunch... turkey burgers, kale slaw with cranberries and sunflower seeds, sweet potato oven fries.
19. While lunch cooked in the convection oven... Cleaned the toaster (horrifying).
20. Packed 6 kale and coleslaw salads (Which is realy only 1 day of veggies if I was eating enough veggies... I don't know if I can actually eat that much kale... But Graindart says if I am only 2.x lbs from the 100lb mark I should power through and achieve it. Which means a whole bag of kale salad, down the hatch.)
21. Ate lunch.
22. Washed all the dishes
23. Put on real clothes.
24. Wrote DD entry.

Is that a good use of 5.5h?

In other news... no texts from OOMLG. Because he's Out of My League Guy... and not really interested, just lonely. Super fun reminder that I'm not good enough for someone I really liked. As DDP says in his Motivational Monday... Discontent is the foundational block for change.

New candidate popped up yesterday on JustOkCupid. Tall tattooed skinny 40yo who manages a small apartment building, teaches kickboxing, and doesn't drink (a little AA he says, good for him). Seemed to think he'd get rejected because he's not drinking and was in AA. My take on it is that everyone at 40 has something they are trying to reset after... no matter what. Besides... It's not like I have a lot more to offer than he does right now. 

But you know... After I woman up and pay my bills this week, face my GP appt next Thursday, unlock the key to losing 60lbs, am as hot as Jennifer Anniston at 41ish because of my new yoga obsession and dedication to clean eating, release my fabulous pricebooking/nutrition app with the inspiring story of a woman tech CEO who after a neck injury and various health issues used her struggle to come up with an awesome app to help other people in the same chicken/egg battle bust through and achieve inspiring results... And make a billion dollars... and become a foster/adoptive mom... and run tough mudders...

I'll be totally out of OOMLG's league. And tell him... I don't know... you live an hour south of me... You're not a billionaire... Plenty of fish in the sea.

Originally I posted an ASCII art of a middle finger. But I'm trying not to swear and class up my act. So I took it down, gave myself a hug, and replaced it with my birthday bikini pic for Horn of Plenty:

 219.7 yesterday but 223.1 today. Aaargh. But it is probably sodium because my mom took me out for pho last night to say thank you for cleaning the carpets.

Missed GP appt this morning. Wasn’t ready to go first thing AM and just fell off track. As OOMLG says, give yourself a hug and help yourself get back on track. So I am. Rebooked for next thursday. Washed 2 more sinkfuls of dishes. Took a shower, blow dried my hair, put on a nice outfit. and worked on reassembling the house from carpet cleaning.

Breathe. Relax. Unclench. Om. All things can be managed and put back together. 

I should get out of the house for 2h, per OT instructions. Unclog my brain. Proprioceptive input to help my brain focus. Auto-reflex desire is to go to the 99cent store and get a burger but I shouldn’t drive... neck is stiff from carpet cleaning. Bike maybe.

—-

Ended up spending the day reassembling the house from carpet cleaning. Part of it is that I just can’t think when there is clutter... And it was way worse than normal because I moved everything around to flip the rooms and get beds and furniture away from windows so there is just a lot to put in place... But mostly it wS to distract myself from kicking myself for missing the GP appointment. 

Eventually went with my mom to Aldi’s to get out of the house. She drove. I was a good passenger and just kept my eyes closed the whole time. Came home and brain kicked “on”. I think the OT is right. Out of the house first thing AM whether it is productive or on task or not.

Also... What is the big deal about Aldi’s? It’s all packaged foods?

 I did it. I can’t believe I did it. I cleaned the rugs inthe living room/dining room, hall, and my dad’s office. And I got the rental back on time. And I remembered the receipt for the extra cleaner I bought so I could return it. I did it. OMG I did it. And I am not going to die of exhaustion. And I do not feel a headache coming on. 

I did collapse on a Big Lots couch for about 30 min till I could drive again. OMG.

They have my favorite frozen pizza. I am not buying it. I deserve a reward, but I deserve better than frozen pizza. I deserve bottomless steak. I deserve whiskey. I deserve... A hot boy toy.

Oh look, OOMLG texted me from Houston. I adore him.

Went to storage yesterday to find my filing supplies and also whatever old, smaller clothes will fit me... possibly stuff for my friend’s daughter. I was rewarded with lots of size L clothes! even stuff for interviews! Also a sexy pirate halloween costume I had totally forgotten about and is entirely too cougar for me now. Mostly I was thrilled to find sweats I can wear around the house that aren’t going to fall off. I was so inspired this morning I went to yoga at 9AM and then because I need to stay up for 24h anyway to reset my body clock, I rented a rug doctor. I will either wear myself out and go to bed on time or clean up this awful hoarder parent / my dog peed the carpet while I was a zombie from a neck injury once and for all. I’m also getting the couch away from the window (finally) for earthquake safety. Stupid proud of myself right now.

Also... I found enough furniture sliders at the 99 cent store that I can leave them under the furniture permanently so I can just slide stuff around to vacum.

Dog is exiled to the patio for today. It will be siapers for her from now on. Not sure how that will go.

 Can’t sleep... 2:30 am. BUT it isn’t 3:30am... and that’s a start. 9 am yoga class. I can do this.

Feeling tons better today. No headaches, pain, food poisoning, or anything. Slept a looooong time though and didn’t wake up till 10. Putting my brain together like a jigsaw puzzle. Waking up late always makes me kind of jumbled and disoriented. Glad I have DD for thinking out loud... and reading posts from others to “catch energy”.

Did not make it to yoga this morning. Slept straight through.

Can’t tell if this is my lizard brain trying to dictate what I should do... Debating canceling my PT session for Tuesday. I am dreading a three day headache after because I am really behind. I have been back on my feet for a month and between a head cold, post-pt 3 day headaches, food poisoning, and my birthday I have gotten absolutely NOTHING done. I also want to cancel the GP appointment and rebook for next week. I should just suck it up and go to both. I can fill the muscle relaxer prescription today and take that as soon as I get home on Tuesday. I should just suck it up and go to the GP appointment and do the labs my insurance gives me free 1x a year so I can tackle anything that is blocking me from being job ready, and have a full set of labs before I see a neurologist to rule out migraines. I am scared of finding out something like I am diabetic or have some weird parasite eating my spine or something. It is irrational but it’s there and makes me want to stay home and go to yoga instead.

Glad I have DD to put it out there and then come back and reread my insanity later, possibly with feedback from objective 3rd parties.

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Pulled two bags of clothes out of my “current” stuff in my closet. I feel like I have nothing to wear and that usually means I have too much clutter.