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happy-1 - Friday Sep 20, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 10/60

Still behind on reading and commenting on logs.

Pro organizer came today. I just want to hug her for a completely inappropriate length of time. Kind of like the abominable snow man hugged daffy duck and bugs bunny. The trash and recycling bins are piled high. We filled 5. I think that brings the number of filled bins since I moved in and broke my neck to 32. I can’t even imagine how there were 32 bins of trash and recycling in here. It still feels like there is no space. I took an entire backseat worth of stuff to Goodwill. I have bags and bags of e-waste to take to hazmat roundup on saturday. We found 20+ boxes of my mom’s papers to go through that I moved to a more accessible room. I haven’t shown her my dad’s closet yet. I don’t want her to run away... she has to come back. If I had to choose between my ex and the professional organizer... I would pick her. I showed her the bike trainer I bought and said “I have total confidence and faith in you that I will get to set this up in that room.”

Garmin says I got 12,000 steps in and burned over 5,000 calories cleaning today. No wonder I am so exhausted and weepy.

BUT... in other news, it took 4 months and God knows how many bags of cat treats... but last night my moth-eaten tom cat gave me a full on back rub... it was everything I was hoping for. He did it again today. If I can get him to do it a third time at bedtime I can probably get him to do it on request.

CELEBRATE!!!!

 

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Donkey on 09/20/2019:
Wait - cats can give back massages??? I need to have a serious talk with my cats tonight.

PS I love reading about the organizer!


grannyannie on 09/20/2019:
Well done. You've been busy!


innerpeace on 09/20/2019:
Such a great job. I couldn't not even imagine having that amount of stuff in my house. You are doing an amazing job getting everything organized.


BearCountryGG on 09/20/2019:
You are doing great....I also had many bins of paper from my parents house...it took me days to shred it all and i burned up one shredder....it is a dunting task for sure.......my cat needs to take lessons from your cat.....all my cat does is EXPECT head cratches for himself...and continually puts his right foot in my mouth on every occasion he can...which is totally disgusting coming from something that stands in his own toilet!!


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happy-1 - Wednesday Sep 18, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Warning: Just babbling here to get my head together and restart my day.

Day 9/60 of No Contact. This may be one of the smartest things I have ever done for myself. I'm not anxiously starting at my phone wondering why he doesn't do XYZ or torturing myself. It's better than blocking his number because I'm not wondering if he tried to get ahold of me but couldn't because I blocked him. Instead I am just handling it. The lack of the little sparks of joy and the feeling like there's someone worth trying harder for is hard... It makes a big difference when you get an unexpected "Hey, how was your day?" or there's someone you can picture being on Catalina Island with in the sun and water and you just let yourself go there in your mind for a few minutes. That little extra when I wake up that let me conquer AM chores and get things moving is gone. So the kitchen is gross, I have food in the fridge I need to toss, and I haven't made up the ingredients I bought over the weekend into single serving meals yet. But last night I made myself do all the dishes, wipe out the worst of the fridge, and sweep the floor, plus I did a little work on the patio. This morning I started the laundry. A few small acts a day make a difference.

Body battery: 31... then spiked up to 68??????? I had it off while I slept because I passed out about 7 right after I showered. Then the charge on the watch ran down this am so I left it to charge. I think it gave me credit for the non-worn time and artificially boosted my score. I definitely feel more like a 14 after dad's tantrum this morning. Was supposed to run errands but am now too tired to go out... I'm in my room with the door closed and just unwinding down from stress breakdown point. Regroup, reset, and refresh... and do not end up as an episode of Snapped! Love that show, don't want to be on it.

Battle today is to get dad to go to the podiatrist (again... he keeps flaking). I called and asked for a referral to someone who will come to the house. I let him know there would be an extra charge for that. Maybe not wanting to spend the money will get him to go because apparently the prospect of losing a foot is not enough to get him to take care of himself.

---

OMG it worked. He said he's ready to go to the podiatrist.

---

The Costco discount Groupon is back!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh the months of waiting... it's here.

---

Today, my "dig myself out" achievements were getting dad to the podiatrist, checking out the local senior center, signing dad up for a local bus service, and "unhooking" after a dad outing to accomplish something. I'm also making my agenda for the next two days. 

Making every day count for 60 days by putting one foot in front of the other, no matter what.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 09/18/2019:
Your last 2 sentences!!!!! Okay...you have just discovered his weak point!!! He just likes to give you a hard time!

happy-1 on 09/18/2019:
Yeah... I think you might be right... I signed him up for the city seniors bus and it starts Friday. He can go get his own damn lean cuisines. Next week I take a day off to work on my own stuff.


Grannyannie on 09/19/2019:
Hang in there!


legcramps on 09/19/2019:
Great idea to get him on the seniors bus, and fantastic job getting him to the podiatrist! Those are huge successes for you, as they will help in future to give you a little more stress free time.


legcramps on 09/19/2019:
Also - if I may - I just read back on your posts about your Dad being a jerk to you and then acting as if nothing happened later on...My Mother would often call me (or start in on me when we were together) and tear a strip off me for 'this and that' and everything under the sun. Then, later, it would be like nothing happened, she would talk and laugh and gossip, and I would boil over internally, holding it all in.

Eventually, there was a breaking point. I had done something that she did not approve of - I invited my Father (her Ex) to a family gathering - and she was literally on the phone, screaming and spitting swearwords at me. So we sat down together the next day, and I told her that I understood how she felt and would renege the invite, but that if she spoke to me that way again I would no longer engage with her.

Interestingly, though the conversation did work to some degree, it was when she moved away from me that things started to get better between us. I know that may not be an option for you, but I do think your Dad needs to know that being aggressive with you isn't going to do him any favors. You deserve respect, don't you?


Horn_of_plenty on 09/19/2019:
ah, the podiatrist...i was thinking to go to one but not yet.

keep on with no contact and nice to see your body battery still improving!!!!!!!


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happy-1 - Tuesday Sep 17, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Body battery is 14 even though I slept 9h. No wonder I feel hit by a bus this morning. Probably all the stress from friction with my dad yesterday.

Today’s major goal is to get him to a handicapped bus service eval 2 hours away (with traffic) and back again. The oxygen tanks are loaded. i had the genius stroke of putting my yoga bolsters, a sliced pool noodle, and my camping cot in the car just in case he needs to lie down with his feet up when we get there so he can do the eval.

Nutrition fell apart yesterday because I got worn out. Dad also turned down me making dinner because he was such a jerk in the morning and I was still standofish when I got home yesterday. I truly don’t understand how he can tear into me in the morning and then when I come out of my room an hour later after trying to pull myself back together he’s all just happiness and smiles like nothing happened. It takes me a week to reset.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 09/17/2019:
It sounds like Dad is having some major mood swings....or he just releases anger and then feels better after or has remorse....has he been checked for bipolar? Could his meds be causing the mood swings? I'm sure you have considered all of these things and I'm sure it is so difficult to deal with them. I think you are really working on not letting his attitude get to you...it's difficult i know. Has he always been like this or is this something new with his advanced years.....? I know it's difficult to let go of....but don't let him throw you for a loop....he might enjoy that.

happy-1 on 09/17/2019:
Right???? The doc says he has anxiety, but he's always so up and down... I'm really questioning whether I can do this. If it doesn't get better after I get him into a bedroom, I might have to bail. My timeline for making that decision is Nov 1.


grannyannie on 09/17/2019:
I know it's stressful being a caregiver, especially to a moody person. I hope your dad can become more agreeable.

happy-1 on 09/17/2019:
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha... I needed that laugh. I saw a completely different person when my cousin visited after the roof collapsed and they were talking. I can't get him to be that way with me...


Donkey on 09/18/2019:
Maybe the mood swings area a sign of something else going on?

I'm sorry, this is rough. I'm glad you set a evaluation date (Nov. 1st) for yourself. Boundaries.


Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/18/2019:
lately, i'm sleeping a LOT too. i'm not sure why, but, i could sleep 10hrs easily every night!

i think what bcgg is saying about mood swings, your dad not being able to fully care for himself...remember that it's not your fault he acts this way - that you may not be able to logically always discuss things with him i guess..


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happy-1 - Monday Sep 16, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 7/60 days no contact. Making every day count.

Weight 226 something. Probably because I binge ate the last 2 nights.

Yesterday the professional organizer and I made it to the bottom of the closet with all of mom's papers. The junk mail has been thrown away. Bulk shredding is zipped up in a camping trash can (new... never been used as a trash can). This means next session can be about making a household binder or getting dad into a bedroom. He had a meltdown, but the organizer is coming back again anyway.

Today dad flaked on going to the doctor and had a meltdown. While waiting for him to pull it together, I fixed his car insurance and bought him renter's insurance. I got him to reschedule the doctor for Wednesday and went to the bereavement group at the hospital. I wasn't planning to go because he needed to go to the doctor... Then I wasn't going to go because I didn't want to reward him by doing something for myself that he wanted me to do... mostly because he wants downtime without me there. Then I smacked myself in the face and said "Self, why are you not going to do something that will help you get free of this drama?" So I made a coffee and chocolate protein shake, took a shower, did my hair and went. I did not participate in any of the fights dad tried to start while I was getting ready to leave. I was on time for the bereavement group, participated, and got what I could from it. While I was at the hospital, I also turned in forms for his doctor to sign for him to get a handicapped placard and a meal delivery service. We can pick it up when we go back.

Now I am re-centering and re-planning my day. I had a delicious meal from Whole Foods (pricey for what I got but delicious). I could go to a movie, the gym, or go work on my stuff because this week is going to be a bear. I lost my day off this week because of the reschedule... I kind of feel burned out... like I'm so tired I can't think. I haven't had a day off in a week I think. I had them scheduled but didn't feel well enough to actually leave the house because sleep has been an issue and it's been so hot.

So posting here.

Ah, there's my brain... Go to Trader Joe's. Put food in the cooler with the frozen canteens you somehow remembered to pack. Go to the gym and just lounge on the couches if you feel like it. Use your laptop there. Feel relaxed and good.

Sorry I am behind in my reading of other people's logs and responding... I'm putting one foot in front of the other without stopping. Have to make every day count for the next 53 days.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Maria7 on 09/16/2019:
It is hard being a caregiver of someone while you are grieving over another person of your family. And your being the only child makes it even moreso difficult cause you have no one to step up and give you a break that you need. But even though you are going through all of this, you sure are doing an outstanding job of taking care of things. I am glad to read that you went to the support group and found enough energy to even participate with all that you do. Bless your heart. Praying for you (and your Dad, too).


Donkey on 09/17/2019:
You're doing so well, even if it might not feel like it.


bearcountrygg on 09/17/2019:
You are doing great.....


Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/18/2019:
good job with no contact, keep moving in your forward motion :)


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happy-1 - Sunday Sep 15, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 6 of 60 days no contact

Body battery is up to 7.

Pro organizer is here and kicking butt. The kitchen and patio are a complete mess. We overslept and missed my window of cool weather to do chores.

I am exhausted. Stayed up till 1 and binge ate grapes, pbjs on white, pepperjack cheese, and norwegian crisp breads. Trigger was the grapes... They were from Sams Club and way too good. 

I did manage to get the bike trainer at Aldi's yesterday.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 09/15/2019:
YEAAAA....so happy you got the bike trainer you wanted.......glad the organizer is helping.


Maria7 on 09/15/2019:
Grapes are so good! Your other food sounded real good, too!


Horn_of_plenty on 09/15/2019:
that bike trainer is to ride your outdoor bike indoors right? this is awesome for you and i hope you get good use out of it.


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happy-1 - Saturday Sep 14, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 5/60 no contact. Miss him terribly, but can’t say why or what specifically I miss... He was so irritated and annoyed by everything I said and did all the time. Even watching a horror movie “Crawl” annoyed him because I jumped everytime a gator jumped out. That’s the whole point of a horror movie! It’s like a roller coaster!

Body Battery is 31. I watched it synch this morning and the base number it starts with is 5 so if I am back at 5 at the end of the day and just feel like crying.... I really probably am exhausted.

Down from recent weight spike post mom’s passing of 229 to 223. Actually felt a ton better this morning. 

Today is about grocery shopping. It’s my first mission of today so that I can break down bulk buys at Sam’s Club to single servings. Dad really loves their burger patties and I bought 2 flats. Just putting them up to freeze in little plastic bags they can thaw in. With any luck, the Aldi’s by me will have the cheap bike trainers! Fingers crossed that they are there and quiet when I try it out. 

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 09/14/2019:
You just never know what Aldi has...it constantly changes....hoping they have what you want!!


Maria7 on 09/14/2019:
I like Aldi's, too!


Horn_of_plenty on 09/14/2019:
at least you see you miss texting him and those communications..but you know that he isn't giving you what you miss...you just miss communicating on your end,not necessarily his behaviors. i know what you mean.

we dont have an aldi's...good job getting out and getting things done. my indoor bike should come soon :)


grannyannie on 09/15/2019:
We have Aldi's here but I don't go. It's a trip by car ferry to get there and I don't think the savings after the ferry tickets are worth it for us.


Donkey on 09/15/2019:
Did you make it to Aldi's? I saw the bike trainer in our weekly ad and thought of you! I love going to Aldi - but sadly, I'm the only one in my family who feels that way.


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happy-1 - Friday Sep 13, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 4 of 60 Days No Contact

Body battery this AM was 27.

Pretty down the last couple of days and got off track on nutrition and fitness... but one foot in front of the other. That might not have happened but I made strides in other areas that will let me get there.... As ****y as it was to do to my ex, the 60 days no contact is really helping me unhook, focus, and push forward.

2 days ago, I took my dad to the heart doctor and heard astonishing news... As incredibly painful, aggravating, and stressful the battles with him over food and me not taking him to fast food places, buffets, and grocery stores are... and believe me they get SUPER ugly... He's actually doing better and not technically currently dying anymore. The doc said basically he'll just kind of "coast" for a while. The "my daughter is mean to me" diet of no processed foods and limited treats is turning things around for him.

Since his first hospitalization in February:

  • He's lost 60lbs overall and 6lbs just this past week... even though the binge eating is getting weird 
  • Heart rate and blood pressure are close to normal
  • Anemia has improved a lot
  • A1Cs are down from 10.5 to 8,9, goal is 8.5
  • He's on about 25% of the insulin he was on in February and they are talking about moving him onto oral meds
  • If he stays on this trend, a lot of his physical complaints about fluid retention, gout, sleep issues, and other things will also improve

It's just staggering... If I can keep pushing to get his weight down to normal ranges and off the insulin, he will have way better options for in home assistance and (if we go there) assisted living because he won't need injections and a Hoyer lift can be used to help get him up in an emergency. It'll also be easier/cheaper to transport him because he can use a normal width transport wheelchair and use the same ramp I had for my mom. He might even be able to use a rollator to go for walks and go down on oxygen levels and carry fewer tanks... Which means he can do stuff at a senior center and have a life.

All because I went to a non-traditional OT and worked with a nutritionist on Rise every day for education. I might not be reaping the health benefits yet, but I am making a lot of good changes to get me there.

Other strides in the right direction.... 

Yesterday, the professional organizer came and helped me go through the endless boxes of paperwork that my mom had I couldn't make myself look at. It was fantastic. Everytime I started crying and hit the give up point she started me talking about something else... she showed my dad paperwork and helped him through finding things important to him. She helped me look at every piece of paper for handwriting stuff. I just can't part with any piece of paper with her handwriting on it. Booked a bunch more sessions to get through the papers and my dad into a bedroom.

I also got a critical path on my project plan for getting back to work defined with OT and followed up on health referrals to other services.

Today I got through the bereavement counselor phone call with my dad, ordered critical paperwork for him, and followed up on more referrals from the heart doctor to other services.

Brain definitely works better when it's not wasting spin cycles on "Oh golly, why is my boyfriend so unhappy everytime we hang out, text or talk? I hope my boyfriend doesn't dump me." or "Darnit, I got dumped in an incredibly painful way... If he doesn't want to see me or talk to me... Why does he keep texting the same thing over and over?" 

I'm going to say that my goal of "Make only healthy choices till 9/15" has been met. I did fall off the wagon and eat extra bread and ice cream a few times... but I'm closer to being able to start seriously getting back to fitness and a real life.

My new goal is "Make each day count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8"

If you do that to someone, you have to make it worth it.

One foot in front of the other.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 09/13/2019:
You are doing FANTASTIC things for yourself and your Dad Happy...good job onthe goals!!

happy-1 on 09/13/2019:
Thank you! I'm really trying :-)


Donkey on 09/14/2019:
Wow, this post really made me happy to read. You ARE doing good things!

Your reference to spin cycles (of thoughts in our heads) -- wow, I thought I was the only one. I really had to work hard to break my thinking patterns. It was hard, it was painful. I can't believe I got through it.


Horn_of_plenty on 09/14/2019:
Wonderful to hear how much YOU have helped your dad! wow!

you are doing good, it doesn't sound like BF is going to HELP you in anyway to feel better and it is wonderful you are taking things into your own hands.

i am sure the organizer has been so helpful, i'd love one, LOL. just kidding though - no $ or time for that and i'm "clean enough" to get me thru. but, i am glad you are doing it and that's it's helping YOU - i didn't mean to say anything negative towards your own actions and using one...i know you follow me here!


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happy-1 - Tuesday Sep 10, 2019
(Make only healthy choices tlll 9/15)
Weight: 216.3

Ex finally texted “I really didn’t consciously plan this. I’m sorry about all that. 

I also didn’t want to completely not respond, but you said the sixty days starts tomorrow.

You are an amazing person. Know that.  I didn’t see this happening. Maybe that’s why it is. So, maybe the 60 days is a good thing? I wasn’t trying to not be around. But I wasn’t.”

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/10/2019:
so what do you think of what he said?

happy-1 on 09/10/2019:
No idea. All I know is I’ve stopped crying and I’m here to take my dad to his appointment.


legcramps on 09/10/2019:
I'm also curious to know how you feel about this text from him...

happy-1 on 09/10/2019:
dick

happy-1 on 09/10/2019:
sorry tried to delete that

happy-1 on 09/10/2019:
Honestly I don’t know what to think. I really thought he was the one. All I know is that yesterday I did nothing I planned to do. I haven’t cried yet today, I got up and had my protein shake, walked my dog, went to the gym, bought groceries, and am home to take my dad to his appointment on time. I showered and I am wearing real clothes and am about to do my hair. These aren’t huge things but they make a big difference over time.

happy-1 on 09/10/2019:
It’s possible I overreacted, but the dynamic between us has been weird since June. I thought it was because I was under stress with my mom. She was sick a while before she was actually diagnosed.


grannyannie on 09/10/2019:
I understand well.


legcramps on 09/10/2019:
Ok, now that you've explained your feelings I feel like I can respond better :)

Also, I like your first response just as much as your last one...possibly even more.

His text is a complete cop-out. You didn't consciously plan this, so that should make it okay? No. Nope. He's either got some really crappy communication skills, or he really is a dick.

There's a point in life where - all of us - need to MAN THE F UP and start being honest with ourselves and with the people around us, regarding what we want or need from them. I know this is incredibly hard for you right now, especially with the loss of your Mom and yet still having stress in your life taking care of your Dad. When I was with my last ex (there have been a few, I tell people I needed to kiss a lot of frogs before I found my prince), my Dad was dying. My ex refused to communicate by phone with me, told me to my face that he found me uninteresting, ignored and avoided me when it suited him. When I decided to delete him from my life, I sent him a similar text to yours, telling him I was glad to have enjoyed his company but that I needed to stop feeling like I was unworthy. He sent me a similar response to your ex's. It was like he didn't even care, and I felt a LOT of emotion for him at the time.

After some time though, I actually felt shame over the whole relationship. The fact that I was so easily enveloped by him, and then so easily destroyed after only five months, was eye-opening. I knew part of that was because of the situation I was in - Dad was dying, I needed a distraction/support/love. But I also realized that I placed my entire worth in his opinion of me, and that was what ultimately opened my eyes. Never again will I let someone else decide what i'm worth.

And then of course, along came BF and the rest is history. Good things will come. When you least expect it!

happy-1 on 09/10/2019:
OMG... there’s so much to unpack here... but in the meantime... AMEN!


BearCountryGG on 09/10/2019:
Legs said it all....why let the other person run the relationship.......so well said. Don't let them tell you your worth. You deserve to be with someone who values you. While you are with someone that devalues you...you just might miss out on someone that does see your worth.


Donkey on 09/10/2019:
So good manners prevent me from expanding on my initial thought, which was "WTF"... It only goes downhill from there.



happy-1 - Tuesday Sep 10, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Body battery AM was 29.

Got up, weighed in, ate healthy, walked the cog, went to the gym, bought groceries, came home to take my dad to his appointment, showered and put on real clothes. One foot in front of the other. 

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/10/2019:
you sound great! and what does the body battery say!?


BearCountryGG on 09/10/2019:
Sounds like a good solid day!


Donkey on 09/10/2019:
Well done! I'd be interested in the body battery today too!


Maria7 on 09/11/2019:
That is a lot you did. Hope you got some rest, too.


grannyannie on 09/14/2019:
Well done!



happy-1 - Monday Sep 09, 2019
(Make only healthy choices tlll 9/15)
Weight: 216.3

Ex texted “hugs” again today. This is painful and feels like anything but a hug. I replied something along the lines of “You’ve been really hard to get ahold of lately. What’s up with you? Is everything awful and all you can manage to say is “hugs” to stay in touch? Not knowing what the deal is is really awful.” But there was no response. It really ruined my morning. I’m thinking that email mentioned in the article on the 60 day no contact rule sounds like a pretty good idea. $97 is a little steep for an email template but I thought the article was well-written: https://lovesagame.com/no-contact-rule/

Body battery was 30, but AM anguish sucked away my will to get up and walk the Cog, workout or anything else. Cleaned the kitchen, did laundry, made breakfast, got dad up and started instead. Now down to 13 and miles to go before I sleep. I have to take him to a doctors appointment today. After, I need to pick up my prescriptions. Maybe find a pm yoga class.

---

Update: I did it. I dug out his number from Google voice and sent a text letting him know I am going no-contact. 60 days starting tomorrow ends Nov 5.

 

 

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

grannyannie on 09/09/2019:
So sorry. I know it's painful. :(

happy-1 on 09/09/2019:
Thank you. Ripping the bandage off at once is less painful than a millimeter at a time


Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/09/2019:
body battery goes up to 100 right?

also, love your "cog"

lastly, your ex is wrong to tease. yeah, his game is ugly.

happy-1 on 09/09/2019:
I think it's a misguided attempt to help me and be kind because I lost my mom.


Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/09/2019:
I am sorry if i read it wrong :(

happy-1 on 09/09/2019:
You may be reading it right and I’m reading it wrong... I would never leave anyone I care about hanging


Donkey on 09/09/2019:
You did the right thing. Sometimes it has to be that harsh. I mean, severe of a break-off.

happy-1 on 09/09/2019:
I feel so bitchy, but looking at my empty phone is kind of a relief. Friend said why didn't you just block him? I said because he wasn't saying anything mean... Just the same one word text over and over. Crazy making. If he keeps going with it before 60 days are up, I'll block him. But it wouldn't be torture if I didn't want him... and that's why I just need it to stop.

happy-1 on 09/09/2019:
And the way I look at it, I've already been dumped, I just want to stop talking and have some space to heal. That link I posted is actually really good.



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