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happy-1 - Thursday Jun 22, 2017
(Paleo + beans + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 243.8

9:10 am - woke up, late. Ugh. Discovered mom had had an accident in the bathroom and only sort of cleaned it up. Yuck. Cleaning one thing led to cleaning another and 5 hours later all I have accomplished in my day is 1) bathroom cleanup, 2) made myself breakfast, 3) failed at attempt to train dog to open the screen door using a pull toy, 4) showered, 5) made bed, 6) deleted daily emoticon text from Scott. They just make me angry. They feel like a substitute for actual communication and connection, a little patronizing. 7) paid for sierra club trip. 8) searched for and bought baby food pouches with ziplock bottom to use for packing condiments and fat in cooler. 9) took a few minutes to write this post.

Ate: Trail mix, iced coffee, chicken chorizo and 2 eggs, avocado slice, cheese, 

4:45pm - The next 3 hours I spent going to the 99 cent store where I bought 2 cooler bags and bandannas for mess kits to take camping and then spotted the vegan chicken strips my mom likes so I picked some up and then had to bring them home to put in the fridge. A miscalculation on my part. Made myself lunch. Called back M who is in town. Tempted to blow everything off on the planet so I can hang with her. Still need to do paperwork, pack meds, get dog shots and got to doc appt in the morning. Ugh. Told her I'd meet her in San Diego saturday and then take her and her nephew to a movie.

Told dad 3x I needed a break and should be left alone before he got the message and let me be. Him yelling a my dog makes me angry, and I can't stop him. All I can do is say that I am angry, this is why, I need a break now. I cannot help you today. I am too angry.

5:40. Time to get ready to go to pet store. Rabies shots and a cone! Who knows how to party? This chick.  I also need some tent decorations and snorkel gear for sierra club trip.

7:30 - Vetco won't honor the shot and I am out $20. Have to call customer service tomorrow. Will dispute transaction if they don't. So mad. 2 hours gone. Aaaargh. Super hungry so i picked up vietnamese sandwiches even though my dad does not deserve them.

Progress as of today: 64.2 lbs lost so far, only 63.8 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 06/23/2017:
Hi Happy Lady! Happy Friday!!

Why aren’t you waking up early? No alarm? Maybe invest in a good alarm clock? I hate cleaning too, especially the bathroom, so, nice job to you. Men are so annoying sometimes lol. Poor communicators sometimes too. Good for you on deleted his text! Make him wait / suffer a bit. He needs to write you some actual words, indeed!

Nice eating some trail mix…if you want to be even healthier, go for some lightly salted – not heavy salt – lightly salted roasted almonds only…and you’ll decrease the sugar from dried fruit if that’s in your trail mix! I love snacking on almonds! Lol to your avocado slice as I’m thinking of a “slice of cheese” that is green like an avocado!

Lol sorry your dad is bothering you….i like my space I know…that’s why I personally do love living alone.

What’s a Vietnamese sandwich? I am intrigued….!

happy-1 on 06/26/2017:
I have like 20 alarms, lol. Mostly it is that it takes me forever to get to sleep so I am always exhausted and still need sleep when the alarm goes off.

Scott is just Scott. I guess he just is too PTSD from past relationships. I'm just letting him do whatever he needs to do to choose whether he is in or out.

The trail mix is the Trader Joe's one with the fake M&Ms. I ate the whole bag in 3 days. I think I need to stop buying it. I did actually buy some mix that was nuts only today, lol.

Yeah my dad's not a bad person, but he can be hard to like. It's a complicated relationship. Mostly its that he thinks he should be able to yell, insult, complain, and nag... then I should just turn around and "reset" and be happy, loving and friendly. It takes me like 2 months to do that... And I really only get 7-8 hours between incidents.

Donkey on 06/24/2017:
Vietnamese sandwich -- sounds like something I need to know more about! :-)

Hang in there! I don't know how you manage. I give you props and my respect.

happy-1 on 06/26/2017:
Hugs. Thank you!!!

Yelp should be able to tell you where you can get them in your area. I like it when they come with very slender rolls of french bread, almost wafer thin... then lots of fillings.

happy-1 - Wednesday Jun 21, 2017
(Paleo + beans + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 243.8

3:30am and can't sleep, despite sleeping pills. So much for making it to bootcamp... or anything really tonight. So tired. Online therapist isn't responding. I think she is on vacation. Feeling a bit like I hit a wall at 40... Trying not to eat what is eating me.

Here is my diet log for Tuesday:

2 mini pizzas and diet coke (found them in the freezer and fell off the wagon)

Fancy mexican paleo lunch I made for my parents. Can't figure out why they got high blood sugar. It was meat, veggies, beans, a little cheese. Mine didn't even tick up a point.

Nothing the rest of the day. Went to a movie. Came home starving.

Kale salad with chicken.

Chicken rice and bean leftovers

Trail mix

Thinking about all the friends I have let slip away and miss terribly. I wish I could just sign up for a service to "fix" me. Might be a good plot for a novel. The heroine hits 40 and has no one to invite to her birthday and realizes that she needs to change. She meets a con artist who puts multi vitamins in a different bottle and hands her one each time she identifies something she wants to change. Except she believes so strongly it will work that she changes even though they aren't anything special.

Progress as of today: 64.2 lbs lost so far, only 63.8 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 06/21/2017:
wow...if you cannot sleep even with pills...

this is the first week in a long time that i haven't felt the need to sleep for like 10 hours every night. all the stress at work as gone down for me this week....and i am seriously re-energized...but finally getting sleepy now after 3 nights of less sleep!

are you 40? i thought you were much younger close to my age - i'm almost 35 come September.

beans got some sugar. and maybe the cheese.weird though that yours didn't spike and theirs did! maybe their portions were LARGER than yours. ?

what movie did you see? lately i've seen many good ones!

we all keep, lose, and gain friends. everythign changes over our lifetime..

happy-1 on 06/21/2017:
Yeah. The pills just make me feel drunk and cranky. They don't actually knock me out. Trazadem or something? I'll ask for something different this Friday. Chlorophorm would be most helpful, lol. Instant out.

I'm late 30s. I avoid posting exact age online.

Yeah, you are right... the beans and fried polenta were probably the carb source... I had probably 700 calories since lunch is my big meal. They probably had seconds and thirds. There wasn't a lot to put in the fridge. I was really surprised.

I saw Wonder Woman at the cheap $6 theater. It was fun. If I had paid full price I'd have been a little annoyed.

I know people come and go, but I always worry that I am aggravating, annoying, or disappointing people without realizing. The adhd makes me such a space cadet. I think I let people down because I forget as soon as I see something shiny and then suddenly remember 2 mos later.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 06/22/2017:
I use an over-the-counter pill that is VERY strong. If I am already very tired, I can sleep like 10-12 hours a night easily after taking this (but it takes around 1-2 hours to get me to sleep. So if I take it at 7, I’m very sleepy by 9pm and can easily sleep till 8-9 am the next day!). This pill is called Sleepinol. Strong stuff…

Yes, beans and polenta would do it. That’s all carbs. Beans are def not very high in protein. The good thing about beans is the iron and fiber :-P

Wow only $6 for WW? Did you see it in 3D? By me, the movie was over $20. I think like $23 also a fee for buying the ticket online! Can you believe it’s that expensive in NYC!?

Eh, I don’t think you should worry about who you are possibly annoying. Just be you and don’t try to unnecessarily hurt anyone physically or emotionally and you’ll be good.

happy-1 on 06/22/2017:
Aaaw. Hugs.

I'll look for it. Maybe I'll try taking the sleeping pill at 9 if I want to go to bed at 11.

The high price for entertainment is part of the charm of living in NYC?

happy-1 - Wednesday Jun 21, 2017
(Paleo + beans + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 243.8

Went to sleep at 4 am, woke up at 11am. Ugh! Not going to make any progress at this rate.

11am - faked a Starbucks iced mocha with cold brew coffee, choc powder, stevia, and half n half. Apparently my mom had never heard that fake sugar substitutes raise your blood sugar higher than sugar so you need to avoid them, but stevia extract is sort of ok if it is from the health food store.

12: tried to make vegan gyros. Not enough focus. Sorted out toiletries instead. For someone who only uses a little makeup and hair product I really have a lot!!!!! I must have tried a million things that didn't work. Big pile for the hazmat collection box.

1pm - Dog pooped in the house!!!! Apparently she doesn't want to go out due to paw injury. Have to get her a cone. She opened it up by licking and now it is infected.

3:30- ate my dad's last lean cuisine. Have to buy him more. Got a call from that guy who might be a player but also might be a catch. Have to run him by my friend Helena and Molly.

5pm. Dressed and ready to go out. Finished sorting toiletries. Remaing living room projects are cleaning off kitchen table, sorting through the last few boxes (22, will this never end?).Debating closing windows and going out b/c it will get hot if i leave and take a long time to cool off.

6pm - the extra hour I put in really helped. I managed to get all the boxes out from around the kitchen table and into stacks. So now there is: - a pile of boxes of parental paperwork, - a pile of unsorted boxes (that could contain who knows what but i am hoping for stuff like flashlights for the earthquake barrel) - a pile of empty cardboard boxes and stuff to organize other stuff with - a pile of my stuff that I need to straighten out - a pile of camping stuff I can use to put together emergency bags for my parents - a pile of toiletries - a pile of my bags, fully packed for different activities. - a box of food to use up or toss, upon closer inspection

scrambled to leave to make it to pharmacy before they closed....waiting for COBRA to kick in and my meds were $500!!!!!

Had a slice of pizza and some diet fruit punch. Then went and picked up rotisserie chickens, fruit and tuna. Stopped at Trader Joes on the way home to pick up stuff for vegetarian gyros. I need to use up vital wheat gluten, nutritional yeast, and some falaffel mix.

9:20pm. Had some rotisserie chicken and chocolate chip cookies. Fridge is jam packed again. Ugh. They alwys overbuy. Going to try to get to bed by 11:30 tonight.

11:30pm - ordered some stuff online... 2 dog gates for my parents, copper tape for sweet potato vine, muzzle for doggie earthquake kit, pool shock for camping and earthquake bins. Took 1 trazadem and 6 melatonins. Let's hope I sleep tonight.

Goals for tomorrow are packing meds and viamins for 30 days, paperwork, ordering bulk buy of minced onion . Such a pain to buy it every week.

Progress as of today: 64.2 lbs lost so far, only 63.8 lbs to go!

happy-1 - Wednesday Jun 14, 2017
(Paleo + beans + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 243.8

Weight loss!!!! Yes!!! And not just a couple of ounces... Two whole pounds!

AND... I am past the halfway mark. I have officially lost more than I have left to lose.

Getting a late start today... Was up late sorting my mom's boxes into some kind of order. I'm tryng to put her different tools into clear plastic shoe boxes she can see into and I can label with what they are... make her a workstation. The boxes are full of junk mail and old plastic bags and maybe one tool.. No real rhyme or reason to it. While I was doing it, I heard this huge crash in my mom's room... No big deal until I looked up and saw bloody paw prints all over the rug. My mom had shoved my dog off her bed really hard and my dog tore a toenail loose.

Today is about unemployment paperwork, health insurance, and getting things done. Gotta get it together. Nothing I do here is helping. Not all the cooking or cleaning or repairs or anything. 


Talked to virtual assistant today. Best thing I ever did for myself. We reworked my to do list with the goal of getting me relocated ASAP. This online diary and the online therapist really help. I have a bit of a timeline that I can use to see where I am falling off track. Every time I start pulling my head together, something happens. Last month it was the huge fight I got into with my dad when I was checking him for a stroke and his 3 day rage trip that followed. Last night it was my mom's outburst. Shrink is right. Nothing I want in my life will happen until I am out and have control of my environment.

But I have cleaned up personal files, all my stuff sorted, a to do list, and a lot of help.

Progress as of today: 64.2 lbs lost so far, only 63.8 lbs to go!

Donkey on 06/14/2017:
Congratulations on the half-way mark - and beyond!

I didn't realize you were on disability. My husband wants/need to stop working and I'm so afraid of what will happen without his salary and his insurance...

happy-1 on 06/14/2017:
No I filed for unemployment. I feel weird doing it but expenses with parents are crazy high and the buffer... and hopefully placement assistance or job retraining... will let me think a little more clearly.

happy-1 on 06/14/2017:
Hugs on your husband's situation.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 06/15/2017:
Congrats on your weight loss...obviously all the good things you are doing has paid off!

Congrats on your positive thinking: past the halfway mark! Good to think of things in this type of way - to make you feel good and like you are succeeding and can do it - as you can! and are!

You sound on the right track. Just keep doing the good things and working on the relocation and insurance paperwork, etc., and you will get there.

No_Tomorrow on 06/15/2017:
Congrats! I look forward to that mile marker in my journey.

happy-1 - Tuesday Jun 13, 2017
(Paleo + beans + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 243.8

Starting over, again. It always seems like I pull it together for a couple of days then I fall off again. Trying to get up on time. This morning I got up and made breakfast... blueberry pancakes, bacon, eggs. My dad's favorites. Instead of it being nice, it was a **** show... the fire alarm is too sensitive and goes off if the pan temp is raised to crisp the bacon. My dog freaked out and started digging iat my dad's door. I crated her but not before my dad flipped out. He started yelling and then made me stop everything so he could leave and go to McDonalds. My mom has opted to just not get out of bed again. I need to pull it together. This is not better than living alone. 2 eggs sunny side up 3 strips of bacon 1 blueberry pancake

Progress as of today: 64.2 lbs lost so far, only 63.8 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 06/13/2017:
It’s common to fall back to old habits. You have to make a new habit fun or at least as enjoyable as the old habit, somehow, in order to stick with it… Wow you made pancakes! Cool. I don’t ever make real pancakes – only ones that really include more egg / protein powders so that the nutrition includes more protein than the former original types of like Aunt Jemima or Bisquik varieties!! How do you make yours!?

Did you end up going to mcdonalds!? After all that hard work!? oh…I see…he went, not you…

Living alone is always more private.

happy-1 on 06/13/2017:
I used some sweet potatoes i mashed and stuck in the oven on low to dehydrate a little and then blended them up with oatmeal and an egg. With baking soda and baking powder the texture is about right.

happy-1 on 06/13/2017:
I just get a bag of them, put them in the slow cooker on low, then peel them when the skins are loose then stick them in the oven to roast and use them all month. I leave about half mashed in the bottom and dehydrate them on low. They make a great base for pancakes and bread

happy-1 on 06/13/2017:
I ended up calling a total womanizer I met camping to get some sexy flirt energy going so I could power through the rest of the day... and tackle my stuff. I was like "you were in the military, probably free right now because you are retired, and black so a pep talk from you will sound like it came from Morgan Freeman. Go!"

happy-1 - Saturday May 27, 2017
(Paleo + beans + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 245.6

Pitched my idea for a different way to do a coding bootcamp to a guy in my area who has been having a rough time getting his off the ground. He really liked it and I meet with him and his key instructor next wed to go over details.

This helps smooth over the pain of losing S as my friend. Augh. Men will never admit they get scared. They just say they are busy and push you away. Of course it doesn't help that I am a total dork, not Scheherazade.

Did a good job of staying on track today. Even made my dad a low carb casserole with parmesan, garlic and cream cheese sauce, chicken, broccoli, and spaghetti squash. In the middle of the night. Without complaining. Much.

Also... cracked open the insurance docs today. Cleaning up my cluttered meltdown mess in the living room from my neck injury. I couldn't pick anything up from the floor so it was a wreck.

Fingers are still numb.

Progress as of today: 62.4 lbs lost so far, only 65.6 lbs to go!

Donkey on 05/27/2017:
Sounds good to me - keep moving forward!

Horn_of_plenty on 05/30/2017:
I agree that men will probably NOT admit they are scared if they don't have to. I have one male friend (not even a friend anymore) in my life (not really in my life anymore) that was the same way. he'd prefer to do ANYTHING BUT ADMIT any fears. This is why we couldn't date. The only reason why.

Continue to feel better and that's a nice job being creative and cooking that casserole!

happy-1 - Friday May 26, 2017
(Paleo + beans + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 245.6

S says he just spaced and was like "I dunno, laundry? Clean?" not blowing me off. Benefit of the doubt. Not super eager to head down there again... but if he comes up with something good and I have the time... Maybe. I just feel like after two marriages and however many girlfriends, he's jaded and isn't excited about the miracle of having someone "like you like you". So it killed my buzz.

Dad boggles my mind.. I tried to meal prep last night for 3 people and a dog so I did the meat last night. Fed both my parents full meals and then let everything cool so I could put it in the fridge. Left it alone for 10 minutes while I set up the bathroom so my dad could shower... Came back out and discovered he had eaten it all but like 2 servings. I was astonished and horrified. 1) That much, that fast, without getting sick? Where did he put it? 2) That much salt, fat and calories... Did I just poison him? Then this morning he left the door open and my dog got out. I ran around the yard in my pajamas chasing her down for all the neighbors to see.  She thinks it is a fun game. @#$%&#.

Pulling my **** together today and ignore about a billion dishes in the kitchen... Which is hard because my ADHD brain says... go do them or I won't do what you want me to do!!!!! Trying to review insurance quotes. It's scattered across a million emails. UGH! WHY DO THEY MAKE THINGS HARDER????

Progress as of today: 62.4 lbs lost so far, only 65.6 lbs to go!

happy-1 - Thursday May 25, 2017
(Paleo + beans + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 245.6

Another .2 down, a reward for getting my **** together yesterday, doing the thing I needed to do, eating right and going to bed at 11 instead of staying up till 3 or 4. Got into it with Scott because he's cancelled or declined all further plans, but keeps texting multiple times a day. Which is just frustrating. It's like dangling carne asada in front of me and then yanking it away. Why does he keep canceling/declining? He has to clean. He's got a nice case of ADHD/PTSD/OCD... which means that he is basically cleaning his whole apartment with a toothbrush until he feels in control again. Essentially it was too good, we had too much fun, and he's freaking out and looking for the catch... There's some fatal flaw that will lead to terrible pain and misery a few years down the road, so he has to bunker down in his fortress of solitude. It's heartbreaking because it was just so nice to get a peek at what was possible and because my good friend has a battle he can't really manage and I can't do anything to help with because now I'm the source of the problem and just additional pressure. I wish I hadn't deleted our years and years of texts... I just felt so sad last night and I didn't want to reread the texts last night and keep sending more texts today. Just breathe and move on and be open if he ever gets back in contact. Which he probably won't.

I think the US should just go for some kind of marriage lottery system... You turn 21, and you can choose to enroll in it. We'd divvy up the segments for matching based on religion, personal finance philosophy, recreational hobbies, politics, desire for kids, lifestyle preference, and a physical fitness test. Then you get married, with an optional no fault annulment at 6 months. You wait a year, then go into the same matching process with other people who also didn't stick with their partner from the first round. If that doesn't work out, you go into a third round a year later. If none of the rounds worked out, then you move on to open dating with everyone else who couldn't find happiness. If you stay past 6 months with anyone in the first 2 rounds you bypass additional matching and are put into the open dating pool. For kickoff we just separate out the people who want to participate by age group and number of marriages. Also, I think that there should be a central database of marriage records in the US so nobody can pretend to be single but actually be in a hidden marriage.

Anyway, that is my soul dump for the day. The thing that is eating me so that I don't end up eating it. I will just listen to my new audiobook "Its just a ****ing date" whenever the urge to text him comes up.

Plan for the day: - Do my hair and makeup - Hit REI for a grill pan and Trader Joes for food - Work with virtual assistant on various org tasks (amazing improvement in my life) - Try to eat healthy / low carb / paleo

The One Thing I Must Do Before Bed: Review entire insurance quote and decide whether to move forward or not.

Progress as of today: 62.4 lbs lost so far, only 65.6 lbs to go!

happy-1 on 05/25/2017:
Update: 2 seconds after I posted this, he sent me a good morning emoji flirt. Which is just more aggravating.

happy-1 on 05/25/2017:
I told him I was busy with back to back calls and free after 5. Not feeling like losing time to texting today.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 05/25/2017:
Men are so frustrating, indeed!

I think your idea for lottery is fantastic, Happy...

Lately i also have a plan that includes wearing makeup...with my newly purchased makeup brush. :-D

happy-1 - Wednesday May 24, 2017
(Paleo + beans + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 245.8

Brain back online today... A little creaky. Accidentally stayed up till 3 am. My dad is up all night ad so I don't realize it is bedtime. Ugh. I swear I have zero internal clock... nothing turns on "sleepy".

Reupped at my coworking space last night. Today was first day. Goal was to just get the EDD paperwork (3 of them) completed. No small task for an ADHDer. 

I mostly just dragged all my "todo" clutter into the couch area and just kind of organized till all the mental clutter dissipated. Then I went and walked over to the Japanese market, bought cheap stuff for organizing (YES I do need new index cards, a folder for EDD paperwork, and a bunch of cheap bags... and a bunch of weird deli pickup dishes for meals and a ton of shiritaki noodles... Right???). Then I watched ADHD videos online and started this post...

... Then I actually completed ONE LETTER that wanted me to register for Cal Jobs... and I managed to do it BEFORE THE DEADLINE!!!! Yay me! ... Then I read them ALL!!! AND MADE A LIST! AND THE DEADLINE HASN'T PASSED!!!!!!

Even found the certificate program a friend is taking in Cal Jobs. The EDD might pay for it for him.

And I more or less stayed on track with nutrition.


Most useful video of the day: How to cope when everything is awful and you're not ok


Progress as of today: 62.2 lbs lost so far, only 65.8 lbs to go!

happy-1 - Tuesday May 23, 2017
(Paleo + beans diet and a 3x a week bootcamp)
Weight: 245.8

Holy s**t! I lost .4 lbs. Not a lot but the plateau is broken!!!!!

Need to kick my own butt today and get stuff done.

---- So far I have vacuumed out my car and organized food in the fridge. I still need to finish packing my tent and labeling it up for future trips... I bought a ginormous barn of a tent for 149 at Big 5... if the doors were bigger I could park a car in it! I would never normally buy a tent there but I wanted something that my dad could stand up and walk around in for the earthquake box. It is a decent enough tent but hard to put together and it needs some labels and color coded tape to make it easier to put up. It is also 7'5" tall so the guy lines are super long... I need to put the sparkly tape on it so it can be seen in the dark. Would be better with glow in the dark tape but I don't have any... hmm... not a bad item for the car kit either.

Have been so down the last couple of weeks. Glad to be snapped back to reality.

Progress as of today: 62.2 lbs lost so far, only 65.8 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 05/24/2017:
What kind of vacuum do you use for your car? I always have crumbs in my car from eating - I vacuum it every so often (i should do it today!) at the gas station with their vacuums. Is this what you do also? Or do you use your personal vacuum?

Welcome back to the Happy side of things....good to see you back. I like your ideas for making your tent visible in the dark! cool stuff. Talk more soon & congrats on your loss. I wish for you to get a lot done today!!

Donkey on 05/24/2017:
Glad to hear the plateau is broken -- that can be so discouraging to feel stuck.

happy-1 on 05/24/2017:
Yeah, I get a little stuck sometimes in a lot of areas all at once, then one thing clicks back into place and the rest follows... then I look back and see that I have lost a week... or this time 2... But that plateau break kicked the rest of my brain back online to move forward.

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