Day 28 of 30 No Contact with Ex. Painful but becoming more of a habit now.
Made yesterday count by taking dad to the doctor. The rash he won't let me anywhere near has turned out to be bedsores from sitting and not moving. I don't know what I will do about this. He sleeps in a chair and gets angry when I try to wake him up to move him. I emailed his heart clinic for suggestions... It's the reason he won't lay down. I also pushed him to get a flu shot. I have a bunch of follow ups for him today... booking MORE doctor appointments.
While we were there, I had a bunch of scares... His oxygen tank ran out and I didn't catch it (although I had loaded a bunch of spares in the car I only put one on the rollator because it makes it heavier). He got scary tired and I was glad I got him on the rollator because I had to put him in it and tow him to labs. After labs he went to the bathroom without the oxygen and came out after a long time pale and sweaty. I freaked out and had a nurse assess him... which made him very angry because it just turned out to be low blood sugar (I thought heart attack because he had been off the oxygen). Eventually I gave up and towed him out to the car. He didn't want to do the important errands we had planned for on the way home... but still expected me to take him to a grocery store I had said I would take him to. No way was I taking him to a grocery store if I already had to tow him out of Kaiser so I said I need to go home and eat something and lay down for a little while. He's desperately unhappy without all his treats to binge on. I desperately don't want to lose another parent any sooner than I have to. I think it was good that I took care of my mom... I got to make my peace with her. Maybe I will get the same with him.
Small shift in mindset yesterday... I had so much time waiting in the hallways of Kaiser, I just said F it and started doing a light workout routine to get my heart rate up. I knew I would be too tired when I got home to do it. Simple stuff... crossovers, knee raises, bicep curls with the oxygen tank, squats and stretches. I got a lot of stares... Particularly from the security guard. But screw it. Luckily I was wearing a sports bra and outdoor clothing from Marmot, Columbia, and Northface so it was easy. I'm carrying a huge backpack for the both of us so I think that added to the cardio
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Day 27 of 30
Making today count by:
Today is still in progress.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Day 26 of 60
Made today count by:
I did a bunch of other stuff also (mail pickup, groceries, prescriptions, gas, making dinner, dishes, feeding pets, vacuuming).
Slightly offput that the pets weren't more excited about their updated legal status. I guess they don't understand that it increases the liklihood that we will be reunited and they will have more homemade chicken dinners in turkey gravy like they did tonight.
Stood up to my dad when he was hammering on me for dessert. He wanted ice cream but the flu shot took me out before I could pick any up. He was determined to get a dessert out of me... He thinks I am holding out on him with stockpiles of treats... Named every dessert or carb we have ever had in this house. I laughed and said we don't have any of that stuff. You literally ate it all. Then he started coming up with delicious things I should bake right there and then... while washing 4 sinks of dishes by hand and a back that is killing me. He had to make do with grapes, melon, and berries. A real hardship. I told him there is dessert at the senior center and we can take the bus there for my birthday. He said to do it he has to put his name in a central database. A database of what, cranky old seniors whose kids want them to see other humans who aren't being paid to be nice to them?
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
I do applaud you for standing up to dad on the desserts. I think you did wise to tell him like it is. Just kind of exhausting to have to go through the conflict. I'm sorry :-(
lol, he should know that fruit is wonderful and healthy and you can call it a dessert if you wish hahahaa
great job not contacting a man that is not able to give you what you need. stay away indeed!
Day 25 of 60
Last night's sacred cow sacrifice really upset my dad. I knew it would... I opened his mail to start compiling a list of bills and expenses. I waited till everything was done and put away for the night before I handed them over. He was really angry and wanted to talk about it, but I had already taken my sleep meds and it was after 8pm so I went to bed to avoid the worst of the fight. I actually locked the door, but I don't know if it mattered because I was asleep so fast. This morning he was still angry. He finds it outrageous that I opened his mail when he never once violated my privacy and opened my mail. I said maybe you should have. I was on your couch with a broken neck crying my eyes out, pissing and ****ting myself for over a year. I wasn't working. That's not my normal. I have worked since I was 14 and I put myself through college with zero debt. I kept saying I couldn't deal with anything and I didn't know why and that I wasn't paying my bills. My mail came to your PO box. You handed it to me every day. It was piled up in your living room. Mom had my power of attorney. How hard would it have been to open a couple of pieces of mail? I figure it is family's job to know what your normal looks like and when you can't do that, help them. Dad not being able to run a critical errand and do a critical task twice in one week isn't his normal. It's time to step in.
Felt stress level drop again. Almost like getting the bends while coming up on a dive.
I actually fell asleep almost immediately without binge eating last night. The trick may be to take sleep meds before dinner so they get into my blood stream faster.
I also started cleaning out the pantry of anything expired, bad for us, and all of mom's food purchases that we won't eat... like psyllium husk and sugar cookie mix. How do those two things belong to the same person?
I really pulled off making yesterday count.
Made this morning count by getting up early, walking my dog, and getting dishes and laundry done. Today I will work with the professional organizer on the front room some more. Maybe I will even get to scrub down the patio before dinner. Dinner will be healthy... turkey veggie pasta. I can skip the pasta and put it over spinach.
I really, really miss my ex. Not just having someone, him specifically. He has been blown apart and put himself back together so many times, I miss his steadying and grounding presence.
One foot in front of the other.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
I think you're right about taking your sleep medicine - if you need it - before dinner. That seemed to work for you. For me, night eating is completely 100% comfort-seeking emotional eating. Sometimes that's what it takes. I say better that than booze or drugs. The key is to find a way to change the coping mechanism or the situation so that it's not a permanent "solution" and one can move forward.
I love the "one foot in front of the other" -- I may use that for a mantra some time soon, if that's OK.
Day 24 of 60
Made yesterday count by doing a bunch of things to straighten out mom's estate. It's surreal. While taking care of her estate, I sacrificed one of my dad's sacred cows. The task was something he would have done himself, he wanted me to take him there to do, we've tried to get out twice to do... And haven't. He's only able to walk 3 min, and is super tired, confused, and weak by the time he actually gets anywhere. So I did it. I had been holding back to respect his independence but it was critical business contributing to my overall stress and panic level.
My stress level afterwards dropped so fast I couldn't drive so I did a random wander through Ross. Just a place to decompress. While wandering I found the perfect grey coverlet to go with the grey striped sheets for $30 that I actually need for cooler weather (can't take using my mummy bag anymore... no more creepy crawlies and dog fur from camping in my bed at home thanks). Mom was a huge fan of beautiful bedding. It felt like a God nudge to say I did the right thing and feeling better at home will help you do better for dad and the pets.
Told my dad when I got home. He it the ceiling but eventually saw my reasoning, I think. He's not as mad at me today at least. I also brought home groceries and made him dinner. Maybe that helped.
Nighttime eating thing is getting scary. Falling asleep with lights and tv on. Woke up with an ice cream sandwich wrapper stuck to my gut. One step at a time to get it under control.
Making today count. I got up at 4:30am, did chores, walked my dog, and went to yoga. A good start.
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Update: Wiped out from yoga, surprisingly still got things done. I sacrificed another of my dad's sacred cows and opened his mail to try and start figuring out what all the bills are. It's a big to do item to get my life back.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
sorry about your nighttime eating - one thing is don't take the food in your room...i have suffered with it too, so i understand.
Day 22 of 60, no contact
Made yesterday count by:
Made today count by:
Indulgences...
I feel bad eating out without my dad... like I had a goodie so he should get one too. But can't bring anything high sodium home. I made a point to go grab him ice cream sandwiches, diet coke and cranberry juice. I don't understand the appeal but these are foods he cannot be happy without. I do bring home ice cream sandwiches... I work hard to reduce the sodium and sugar in all the other stuff we eat so that the treats have less impact overall.
Looking forward to sleeping on matching sheets tonight. They are a pretty grey and white stripe that will be fun with maybe a black denim bedskirt if I can ever find one. Maybe a black and white chinoisserie duvet...
A pretty place to sleep is bound to be a mood booster. My ancient puppy dog is having a hard time walking bcause she has a tumor wrapping around her spine. She's 24ish so no point in surgery... No idea how long it will take for her to not be able to walk anymore. I cook for my pets so they have a lot of reduced health risks. Just making her comfortable and keeping her happy.
We went for a nice walk this morning.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Do not feel bad about eating out without dad. You are actually doing both of yourselves a favor. You are treating yourself, AND you are sparing dad the temptation of foods that he should not eat.
Cat dental work is very expensive. My dear beloved Merlin had teeth issues all his life, poor kitty. But I loved him so much. He was my best friend.
also, lovely sheets, i'd certainly buy them myself and LOVE the cell phone holder hahaha
Day 21 of 60
Glad I tackled things at the beginning of the day yesterday. I underestimated how tired I was. About 4pm, I had a meltdown because my ancient dog with arthritis problems was splayed out on the kitchen floor yelping for help and my dad walked past her and didn't come tell me about it. I didn't hear her because I had the tv on... was just under the weather/psychosomatically "down" and was vegging out and trying to regroup to go to errands and the OA meeting. Between the reminder that my dog is coming to her end and my dad not being able to tell someone needs help I just got scared and had a good cry. I did somewhat regroup later and tackled small claeaning tasks in the living room.
Then I passed out in front of the TV with the lights on after eating like 6 slices of multigrain bread with unsalted butter. This nightime eating thing is a real problem.
At least I got sleep.
Making today count with a PT eval for my dad to be able to use a rollator and a vet visit for my dog.
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So far... only decluttered kitchen, made dad blueberry pancakes, eggs, sausage (1/4 of one), and coffee, set up the car to take him to the PT...
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Sounds like a productive day.
it sure tastes like heaven...next time if you want an idea, make one and put the bread away and butter away so you cannot do it....and drink selzter after....to fill your stomach...or have the bread and butter slice, have FRUIT a lot of it after..then seltzer or tea....
you can gave the bread and butter...yes....and put other food in the picture so you can fill yourself up without breaking a calorie bank ;)
Day 20 of 60 days no contact. 1/3 of the way through.
Still on a dead run straight through with blinders on... forgive me for not reading and responding yet. I will... I swear.
Recovering from total brain fry by posting here. Got crosswise with dad over 10 minor things all at once before I was fully awake or caffinated. Have been trying to reboot on my own since 9:30am and it hasn't happened yet.
Made Sunday count by finishing the household schedule for the month and updating my project plan which took a shocking amount of time.
Made Monday count by getting out early for breakfast and coffee, bereavement group, tiny Trader Joe's run, 3 major to do items for dad, 1 major to do item for myself I haven't been able to get my brain around for years, ACTUALLY GOING TO YOGA, then going home and making a healthy dinner for dad and going to bed on time at 8 despite a million attempts by dad to push my buttons and keep me up.
I ate a lot at bedtime last night trying to get to sleep. The cat and the dog were super hungry and kept waking me up to feed them more. I think they felt the weather change and although they hadn't been eating much in the heat wave now that it is cooler out they are HUNGRY and INSISTENT.
Today was supposed to be a landmark to do item for dad... but I am super fried... so I am hiding out in my room and going through my to do list and seeing what I can knock out. It's a lot of little clutter items but still things that need to get done even though they are lower value.
One foot in front of the other.
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Update: "Dumping my brain" here really helped. Knocked me back into focus. Paid the organizer, replanned my evening, and got back on track. Tonight I go try another OA meeting... mostly to just get out of the house.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
I have to try Trader Joe's again. It's been forever since I've been there. There's really no excuse.
Day whatever of whatever.
Made yesterday count by:
Made today count by:
One of the leaders at the OA group I went back to today has latched onto me like I'm a special project and wants me to get a sponsor. Not really there yet. I've got a plan for getting dad squared away so I can go back to work (and a schedule) and I don't want to add anything or reprioritize, or have some well-meaning non-professional divert my goals. I bought the book she recommended and told her I would look at my calendar and see what kind of availability I have to talk to a sponsor multiple times a week. It's definitely not worth skipping yoga for. Kind of the opposite of what I am trying to do.
The sacred cow I sacrificed was a letter my mom wrote me in 2002 with her final instructions. I've been keeping it with me and saving it since she passed as a way to stay connected to her. My dad has been after me to open it and read it. It is a huge trigger and derails me every time with grief and anger. Because he is going for dementia testing, I gave it to him today for him to read and give back to me, but told him not to tell me what's in it because I'm saving it to open for my birthday. I figure he should be able to read it while he can still remember what is in it. Or before the zombie apocalypse takes us all. I look at the cabinet of their unused wedding china and think what's the point of deferring joy? Might have been a mistake though. I just feel really hollow and empty.
My head hurts.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
I agree with Horn, it's not a mistake, you just move forward. And you are SO right about not deferring joy, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. (((hugs)))
Day 17/60
Made yesterday count by getting up early, walking my dog, and eating healthy.
Next I worked with professional organizer to continue to make a dent in the giant pile of crap in the front room that I need to move into. Towards the end, we realized that my dad is keeping so much stuff it wouldn't fit into the little area we had set aside, and I ended up cleaning out my mom's closet so that he could move into it. Other than the few items of clothing I set aside to have memory dolls made from, I cleared the entire closet. It was mostly my plus sized clothes (xl, 1x, 2x, 3x) that I had set aside for her to wear. She never got to wear any of them. She also had tons of brand new shoes she never wore. It all went into clear bags to go for donation. Broke my heart and feels a little like I am throwing my mom away, but she isn't in the closet with all her things or in the donation bags sitting in my car. She's in a box in the living room under her self portrait in her beloved bureau where I am putting each bit and piece of memory items for her... Almost like the Egyptians did with the mummies. From her closet, I saved one of her hats, 2 hat pins, then all her jewelry and scarves to go through later. Then we put everything my dad is keeping in the closet. This morning I unpacked my clothes from the duffel bag I've had them in for however many years and hung them up in the closet... Tomorrow I will be able to get up in the morning and get dressed like a human being and do a better job for myself, the pets, and my dad because I let my mom's clothes go.
I also made yesterday count by putting on real clothes and makeup and going to an OA meeting. This one I was invited to by a woman I met on Saturday because she was leading. I didn't realize that meant she was telling her weight story. She is an exceptional storyteller and I'd hear that again no problem. You laughed... you cried. Really great. The folks at the meeting were a little strange. I was struck by how "down" most of the people looked... Wrong hairstyles, dull clothing colors, unhealthy. No energy, joy, or vibrancy. Bottomless sorrow.
She said after I've gone to 30 meetings in 30 days, the next step is to look for a sponsor. That I've already lost more than 100 lbs, but I did that by isolating myself from friends who drink, smoke, and overeat because I just can't and don't do any of that anymore. I got there but the weight is creeping back on so I'm more in the stages of trying to add things back in so I'm mostly just looking for people to go for a bike ride and have a cup of coffee with. She said she hope she sees me Saturday.
So I guess my do over was well done.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
The OA lady sounds hopeful, like this could be a good connection for you. That's very odd about the other folks at the meeting, though. I could picture them, as you described... and imagined myself sitting there, too, what that must have felt like.
Your do-over was very well done!
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good job taking care of your dad. i guess you now MUST get him to move or move him time to time to different positions? maybe you can look up online different positionings to counteract bed sores? sorry to hear this happened with your dad. i know it's common when people stay in the same place all day.
good job adding a workout in lol. you are balancing a lot, it sounds like, by taking care now of your dad.
also, great job on not contacting your ex. when i think about the guy who i really liked but never even became my boyfriend, so i'm not relating it exactly to your case, as this guy TOLD ME to not contact him lol - at first i thought it was was a joke when he wouldn't reply to texts, etc....but then i realized he couldn't give me anything! no matter how hot this guy was to me, he wasn't available. and i had to remember it would never be worth it.
Horn_of_plenty on 10/09/2019:
(worth it to contact him because he wasn't available!)
Donkey on 10/10/2019:
Now that you are coming to an end from your ex-exile, have you thought about extending the 30 days' period to a little longer?
Donkey on 10/10/2019:
You're doing great, by the way - even if it doesn't feel like it.
Maria7 on 10/10/2019:
You are doing FANTASTIC! Hope you have a good day today.