Warning: Just babbling here to get my head together and restart my day.
Day 9/60 of No Contact. This may be one of the smartest things I have ever done for myself. I'm not anxiously starting at my phone wondering why he doesn't do XYZ or torturing myself. It's better than blocking his number because I'm not wondering if he tried to get ahold of me but couldn't because I blocked him. Instead I am just handling it. The lack of the little sparks of joy and the feeling like there's someone worth trying harder for is hard... It makes a big difference when you get an unexpected "Hey, how was your day?" or there's someone you can picture being on Catalina Island with in the sun and water and you just let yourself go there in your mind for a few minutes. That little extra when I wake up that let me conquer AM chores and get things moving is gone. So the kitchen is gross, I have food in the fridge I need to toss, and I haven't made up the ingredients I bought over the weekend into single serving meals yet. But last night I made myself do all the dishes, wipe out the worst of the fridge, and sweep the floor, plus I did a little work on the patio. This morning I started the laundry. A few small acts a day make a difference.
Body battery: 31... then spiked up to 68??????? I had it off while I slept because I passed out about 7 right after I showered. Then the charge on the watch ran down this am so I left it to charge. I think it gave me credit for the non-worn time and artificially boosted my score. I definitely feel more like a 14 after dad's tantrum this morning. Was supposed to run errands but am now too tired to go out... I'm in my room with the door closed and just unwinding down from stress breakdown point. Regroup, reset, and refresh... and do not end up as an episode of Snapped! Love that show, don't want to be on it.
Battle today is to get dad to go to the podiatrist (again... he keeps flaking). I called and asked for a referral to someone who will come to the house. I let him know there would be an extra charge for that. Maybe not wanting to spend the money will get him to go because apparently the prospect of losing a foot is not enough to get him to take care of himself.
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OMG it worked. He said he's ready to go to the podiatrist.
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The Costco discount Groupon is back!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh the months of waiting... it's here.
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Today, my "dig myself out" achievements were getting dad to the podiatrist, checking out the local senior center, signing dad up for a local bus service, and "unhooking" after a dad outing to accomplish something. I'm also making my agenda for the next two days.
Making every day count for 60 days by putting one foot in front of the other, no matter what.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Body battery is 14 even though I slept 9h. No wonder I feel hit by a bus this morning. Probably all the stress from friction with my dad yesterday.
Today’s major goal is to get him to a handicapped bus service eval 2 hours away (with traffic) and back again. The oxygen tanks are loaded. i had the genius stroke of putting my yoga bolsters, a sliced pool noodle, and my camping cot in the car just in case he needs to lie down with his feet up when we get there so he can do the eval.
Nutrition fell apart yesterday because I got worn out. Dad also turned down me making dinner because he was such a jerk in the morning and I was still standofish when I got home yesterday. I truly don’t understand how he can tear into me in the morning and then when I come out of my room an hour later after trying to pull myself back together he’s all just happiness and smiles like nothing happened. It takes me a week to reset.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
I'm sorry, this is rough. I'm glad you set a evaluation date (Nov. 1st) for yourself. Boundaries.
i think what bcgg is saying about mood swings, your dad not being able to fully care for himself...remember that it's not your fault he acts this way - that you may not be able to logically always discuss things with him i guess..
Day 7/60 days no contact. Making every day count.
Weight 226 something. Probably because I binge ate the last 2 nights.
Yesterday the professional organizer and I made it to the bottom of the closet with all of mom's papers. The junk mail has been thrown away. Bulk shredding is zipped up in a camping trash can (new... never been used as a trash can). This means next session can be about making a household binder or getting dad into a bedroom. He had a meltdown, but the organizer is coming back again anyway.
Today dad flaked on going to the doctor and had a meltdown. While waiting for him to pull it together, I fixed his car insurance and bought him renter's insurance. I got him to reschedule the doctor for Wednesday and went to the bereavement group at the hospital. I wasn't planning to go because he needed to go to the doctor... Then I wasn't going to go because I didn't want to reward him by doing something for myself that he wanted me to do... mostly because he wants downtime without me there. Then I smacked myself in the face and said "Self, why are you not going to do something that will help you get free of this drama?" So I made a coffee and chocolate protein shake, took a shower, did my hair and went. I did not participate in any of the fights dad tried to start while I was getting ready to leave. I was on time for the bereavement group, participated, and got what I could from it. While I was at the hospital, I also turned in forms for his doctor to sign for him to get a handicapped placard and a meal delivery service. We can pick it up when we go back.
Now I am re-centering and re-planning my day. I had a delicious meal from Whole Foods (pricey for what I got but delicious). I could go to a movie, the gym, or go work on my stuff because this week is going to be a bear. I lost my day off this week because of the reschedule... I kind of feel burned out... like I'm so tired I can't think. I haven't had a day off in a week I think. I had them scheduled but didn't feel well enough to actually leave the house because sleep has been an issue and it's been so hot.
So posting here.
Ah, there's my brain... Go to Trader Joe's. Put food in the cooler with the frozen canteens you somehow remembered to pack. Go to the gym and just lounge on the couches if you feel like it. Use your laptop there. Feel relaxed and good.
Sorry I am behind in my reading of other people's logs and responding... I'm putting one foot in front of the other without stopping. Have to make every day count for the next 53 days.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Day 6 of 60 days no contact
Body battery is up to 7.
Pro organizer is here and kicking butt. The kitchen and patio are a complete mess. We overslept and missed my window of cool weather to do chores.
I am exhausted. Stayed up till 1 and binge ate grapes, pbjs on white, pepperjack cheese, and norwegian crisp breads. Trigger was the grapes... They were from Sams Club and way too good.
I did manage to get the bike trainer at Aldi's yesterday.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Day 5/60 no contact. Miss him terribly, but can’t say why or what specifically I miss... He was so irritated and annoyed by everything I said and did all the time. Even watching a horror movie “Crawl” annoyed him because I jumped everytime a gator jumped out. That’s the whole point of a horror movie! It’s like a roller coaster!
Body Battery is 31. I watched it synch this morning and the base number it starts with is 5 so if I am back at 5 at the end of the day and just feel like crying.... I really probably am exhausted.
Down from recent weight spike post mom’s passing of 229 to 223. Actually felt a ton better this morning.
Today is about grocery shopping. It’s my first mission of today so that I can break down bulk buys at Sam’s Club to single servings. Dad really loves their burger patties and I bought 2 flats. Just putting them up to freeze in little plastic bags they can thaw in. With any luck, the Aldi’s by me will have the cheap bike trainers! Fingers crossed that they are there and quiet when I try it out.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
we dont have an aldi's...good job getting out and getting things done. my indoor bike should come soon :)
Day 4 of 60 Days No Contact
Body battery this AM was 27.
Pretty down the last couple of days and got off track on nutrition and fitness... but one foot in front of the other. That might not have happened but I made strides in other areas that will let me get there.... As ****y as it was to do to my ex, the 60 days no contact is really helping me unhook, focus, and push forward.
2 days ago, I took my dad to the heart doctor and heard astonishing news... As incredibly painful, aggravating, and stressful the battles with him over food and me not taking him to fast food places, buffets, and grocery stores are... and believe me they get SUPER ugly... He's actually doing better and not technically currently dying anymore. The doc said basically he'll just kind of "coast" for a while. The "my daughter is mean to me" diet of no processed foods and limited treats is turning things around for him.
Since his first hospitalization in February:
It's just staggering... If I can keep pushing to get his weight down to normal ranges and off the insulin, he will have way better options for in home assistance and (if we go there) assisted living because he won't need injections and a Hoyer lift can be used to help get him up in an emergency. It'll also be easier/cheaper to transport him because he can use a normal width transport wheelchair and use the same ramp I had for my mom. He might even be able to use a rollator to go for walks and go down on oxygen levels and carry fewer tanks... Which means he can do stuff at a senior center and have a life.
All because I went to a non-traditional OT and worked with a nutritionist on Rise every day for education. I might not be reaping the health benefits yet, but I am making a lot of good changes to get me there.
Other strides in the right direction....
Yesterday, the professional organizer came and helped me go through the endless boxes of paperwork that my mom had I couldn't make myself look at. It was fantastic. Everytime I started crying and hit the give up point she started me talking about something else... she showed my dad paperwork and helped him through finding things important to him. She helped me look at every piece of paper for handwriting stuff. I just can't part with any piece of paper with her handwriting on it. Booked a bunch more sessions to get through the papers and my dad into a bedroom.
I also got a critical path on my project plan for getting back to work defined with OT and followed up on health referrals to other services.
Today I got through the bereavement counselor phone call with my dad, ordered critical paperwork for him, and followed up on more referrals from the heart doctor to other services.
Brain definitely works better when it's not wasting spin cycles on "Oh golly, why is my boyfriend so unhappy everytime we hang out, text or talk? I hope my boyfriend doesn't dump me." or "Darnit, I got dumped in an incredibly painful way... If he doesn't want to see me or talk to me... Why does he keep texting the same thing over and over?"
I'm going to say that my goal of "Make only healthy choices till 9/15" has been met. I did fall off the wagon and eat extra bread and ice cream a few times... but I'm closer to being able to start seriously getting back to fitness and a real life.
My new goal is "Make each day count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8"
If you do that to someone, you have to make it worth it.
One foot in front of the other.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Your reference to spin cycles (of thoughts in our heads) -- wow, I thought I was the only one. I really had to work hard to break my thinking patterns. It was hard, it was painful. I can't believe I got through it.
you are doing good, it doesn't sound like BF is going to HELP you in anyway to feel better and it is wonderful you are taking things into your own hands.
i am sure the organizer has been so helpful, i'd love one, LOL. just kidding though - no $ or time for that and i'm "clean enough" to get me thru. but, i am glad you are doing it and that's it's helping YOU - i didn't mean to say anything negative towards your own actions and using one...i know you follow me here!
Ex finally texted “I really didn’t consciously plan this. I’m sorry about all that.
You are an amazing person. Know that. I didn’t see this happening. Maybe that’s why it is. So, maybe the 60 days is a good thing? I wasn’t trying to not be around. But I wasn’t.”
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Also, I like your first response just as much as your last one...possibly even more.
His text is a complete cop-out. You didn't consciously plan this, so that should make it okay? No. Nope. He's either got some really crappy communication skills, or he really is a dick.
There's a point in life where - all of us - need to MAN THE F UP and start being honest with ourselves and with the people around us, regarding what we want or need from them. I know this is incredibly hard for you right now, especially with the loss of your Mom and yet still having stress in your life taking care of your Dad. When I was with my last ex (there have been a few, I tell people I needed to kiss a lot of frogs before I found my prince), my Dad was dying. My ex refused to communicate by phone with me, told me to my face that he found me uninteresting, ignored and avoided me when it suited him. When I decided to delete him from my life, I sent him a similar text to yours, telling him I was glad to have enjoyed his company but that I needed to stop feeling like I was unworthy. He sent me a similar response to your ex's. It was like he didn't even care, and I felt a LOT of emotion for him at the time.
After some time though, I actually felt shame over the whole relationship. The fact that I was so easily enveloped by him, and then so easily destroyed after only five months, was eye-opening. I knew part of that was because of the situation I was in - Dad was dying, I needed a distraction/support/love. But I also realized that I placed my entire worth in his opinion of me, and that was what ultimately opened my eyes. Never again will I let someone else decide what i'm worth.
And then of course, along came BF and the rest is history. Good things will come. When you least expect it!
Body battery AM was 29.
Got up, weighed in, ate healthy, walked the cog, went to the gym, bought groceries, came home to take my dad to his appointment, showered and put on real clothes. One foot in front of the other.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Ex texted “hugs” again today. This is painful and feels like anything but a hug. I replied something along the lines of “You’ve been really hard to get ahold of lately. What’s up with you? Is everything awful and all you can manage to say is “hugs” to stay in touch? Not knowing what the deal is is really awful.” But there was no response. It really ruined my morning. I’m thinking that email mentioned in the article on the 60 day no contact rule sounds like a pretty good idea. $97 is a little steep for an email template but I thought the article was well-written: https://lovesagame.com/no-contact-rule/
Body battery was 30, but AM anguish sucked away my will to get up and walk the Cog, workout or anything else. Cleaned the kitchen, did laundry, made breakfast, got dad up and started instead. Now down to 13 and miles to go before I sleep. I have to take him to a doctors appointment today. After, I need to pick up my prescriptions. Maybe find a pm yoga class.
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Update: I did it. I dug out his number from Google voice and sent a text letting him know I am going no-contact. 60 days starting tomorrow ends Nov 5.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
also, love your "cog"
lastly, your ex is wrong to tease. yeah, his game is ugly.
Body battery was 34 after almost 8h of sleep! Also, it says yesterday was the first day I didn’t bottom out my energy level to exhaustion, even if it didn’t feel that way. The difference is huge. Little things like checking my dad’s oxygen tanks to see which need charging, organizing my pinterest boards, or logging a meal to Cronometer is a lot easier. There’s just a little more cogn reserve. Also didn’t linger in bed forever when I woke up... Got right up, made my coffee+protein shake, and out to walk the cog. Offered to take dad to the grocery store, but he turned me down. At least I tried.
Also, this was the first week I made it all the way through the family meal plan I have up on the dry erase board on the fridge... Like all the meals in order in a row.
Brain on... Body on... Today is about grocery shopping. It’s hard because the best nutrional and lowest sodium options aren’t at Sams Club... so to get everything I need for a week I‘d need to go almost every day to a different store. Crazy making.
Just did Aldi’s today. I bought chicken breast there but was surprised that their chicken breast had chicken broth in it... I think the sodium is higher.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
i'm into english muffins too lately as a change of pace from wraps. but i do not like how the english muffins are so messy. next week or two and i'm onto something else!
Who would have thought that grocery shopping could be so complex?
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Your last 2 sentences!!!!! Okay...you have just discovered his weak point!!! He just likes to give you a hard time!
Yeah... I think you might be right... I signed him up for the city seniors bus and it starts Friday. He can go get his own damn lean cuisines. Next week I take a day off to work on my own stuff.
Grannyannie on 09/19/2019:
Hang in there!
legcramps on 09/19/2019:
Great idea to get him on the seniors bus, and fantastic job getting him to the podiatrist! Those are huge successes for you, as they will help in future to give you a little more stress free time.
legcramps on 09/19/2019:
Also - if I may - I just read back on your posts about your Dad being a jerk to you and then acting as if nothing happened later on...My Mother would often call me (or start in on me when we were together) and tear a strip off me for 'this and that' and everything under the sun. Then, later, it would be like nothing happened, she would talk and laugh and gossip, and I would boil over internally, holding it all in.
Eventually, there was a breaking point. I had done something that she did not approve of - I invited my Father (her Ex) to a family gathering - and she was literally on the phone, screaming and spitting swearwords at me. So we sat down together the next day, and I told her that I understood how she felt and would renege the invite, but that if she spoke to me that way again I would no longer engage with her.
Interestingly, though the conversation did work to some degree, it was when she moved away from me that things started to get better between us. I know that may not be an option for you, but I do think your Dad needs to know that being aggressive with you isn't going to do him any favors. You deserve respect, don't you?
Horn_of_plenty on 09/19/2019:
ah, the podiatrist...i was thinking to go to one but not yet.
keep on with no contact and nice to see your body battery still improving!!!!!!!