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happy-1 - Saturday Sep 14, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 5/60 no contact. Miss him terribly, but can’t say why or what specifically I miss... He was so irritated and annoyed by everything I said and did all the time. Even watching a horror movie “Crawl” annoyed him because I jumped everytime a gator jumped out. That’s the whole point of a horror movie! It’s like a roller coaster!

Body Battery is 31. I watched it synch this morning and the base number it starts with is 5 so if I am back at 5 at the end of the day and just feel like crying.... I really probably am exhausted.

Down from recent weight spike post mom’s passing of 229 to 223. Actually felt a ton better this morning. 

Today is about grocery shopping. It’s my first mission of today so that I can break down bulk buys at Sam’s Club to single servings. Dad really loves their burger patties and I bought 2 flats. Just putting them up to freeze in little plastic bags they can thaw in. With any luck, the Aldi’s by me will have the cheap bike trainers! Fingers crossed that they are there and quiet when I try it out. 

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 09/14/2019:
You just never know what Aldi has...it constantly changes....hoping they have what you want!!


Maria7 on 09/14/2019:
I like Aldi's, too!


Horn_of_plenty on 09/14/2019:
at least you see you miss texting him and those communications..but you know that he isn't giving you what you miss...you just miss communicating on your end,not necessarily his behaviors. i know what you mean.

we dont have an aldi's...good job getting out and getting things done. my indoor bike should come soon :)


grannyannie on 09/15/2019:
We have Aldi's here but I don't go. It's a trip by car ferry to get there and I don't think the savings after the ferry tickets are worth it for us.


Donkey on 09/15/2019:
Did you make it to Aldi's? I saw the bike trainer in our weekly ad and thought of you! I love going to Aldi - but sadly, I'm the only one in my family who feels that way.



happy-1 - Friday Sep 13, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 4 of 60 Days No Contact

Body battery this AM was 27.

Pretty down the last couple of days and got off track on nutrition and fitness... but one foot in front of the other. That might not have happened but I made strides in other areas that will let me get there.... As ****y as it was to do to my ex, the 60 days no contact is really helping me unhook, focus, and push forward.

2 days ago, I took my dad to the heart doctor and heard astonishing news... As incredibly painful, aggravating, and stressful the battles with him over food and me not taking him to fast food places, buffets, and grocery stores are... and believe me they get SUPER ugly... He's actually doing better and not technically currently dying anymore. The doc said basically he'll just kind of "coast" for a while. The "my daughter is mean to me" diet of no processed foods and limited treats is turning things around for him.

Since his first hospitalization in February:

  • He's lost 60lbs overall and 6lbs just this past week... even though the binge eating is getting weird 
  • Heart rate and blood pressure are close to normal
  • Anemia has improved a lot
  • A1Cs are down from 10.5 to 8,9, goal is 8.5
  • He's on about 25% of the insulin he was on in February and they are talking about moving him onto oral meds
  • If he stays on this trend, a lot of his physical complaints about fluid retention, gout, sleep issues, and other things will also improve

It's just staggering... If I can keep pushing to get his weight down to normal ranges and off the insulin, he will have way better options for in home assistance and (if we go there) assisted living because he won't need injections and a Hoyer lift can be used to help get him up in an emergency. It'll also be easier/cheaper to transport him because he can use a normal width transport wheelchair and use the same ramp I had for my mom. He might even be able to use a rollator to go for walks and go down on oxygen levels and carry fewer tanks... Which means he can do stuff at a senior center and have a life.

All because I went to a non-traditional OT and worked with a nutritionist on Rise every day for education. I might not be reaping the health benefits yet, but I am making a lot of good changes to get me there.

Other strides in the right direction.... 

Yesterday, the professional organizer came and helped me go through the endless boxes of paperwork that my mom had I couldn't make myself look at. It was fantastic. Everytime I started crying and hit the give up point she started me talking about something else... she showed my dad paperwork and helped him through finding things important to him. She helped me look at every piece of paper for handwriting stuff. I just can't part with any piece of paper with her handwriting on it. Booked a bunch more sessions to get through the papers and my dad into a bedroom.

I also got a critical path on my project plan for getting back to work defined with OT and followed up on health referrals to other services.

Today I got through the bereavement counselor phone call with my dad, ordered critical paperwork for him, and followed up on more referrals from the heart doctor to other services.

Brain definitely works better when it's not wasting spin cycles on "Oh golly, why is my boyfriend so unhappy everytime we hang out, text or talk? I hope my boyfriend doesn't dump me." or "Darnit, I got dumped in an incredibly painful way... If he doesn't want to see me or talk to me... Why does he keep texting the same thing over and over?" 

I'm going to say that my goal of "Make only healthy choices till 9/15" has been met. I did fall off the wagon and eat extra bread and ice cream a few times... but I'm closer to being able to start seriously getting back to fitness and a real life.

My new goal is "Make each day count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8"

If you do that to someone, you have to make it worth it.

One foot in front of the other.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 09/13/2019:
You are doing FANTASTIC things for yourself and your Dad Happy...good job onthe goals!!

happy-1 on 09/13/2019:
Thank you! I'm really trying :-)


Donkey on 09/14/2019:
Wow, this post really made me happy to read. You ARE doing good things!

Your reference to spin cycles (of thoughts in our heads) -- wow, I thought I was the only one. I really had to work hard to break my thinking patterns. It was hard, it was painful. I can't believe I got through it.


Horn_of_plenty on 09/14/2019:
Wonderful to hear how much YOU have helped your dad! wow!

you are doing good, it doesn't sound like BF is going to HELP you in anyway to feel better and it is wonderful you are taking things into your own hands.

i am sure the organizer has been so helpful, i'd love one, LOL. just kidding though - no $ or time for that and i'm "clean enough" to get me thru. but, i am glad you are doing it and that's it's helping YOU - i didn't mean to say anything negative towards your own actions and using one...i know you follow me here!



happy-1 - Tuesday Sep 10, 2019
(Make only healthy choices tlll 9/15)
Weight: 216.3

Ex finally texted “I really didn’t consciously plan this. I’m sorry about all that. 

I also didn’t want to completely not respond, but you said the sixty days starts tomorrow.

You are an amazing person. Know that.  I didn’t see this happening. Maybe that’s why it is. So, maybe the 60 days is a good thing? I wasn’t trying to not be around. But I wasn’t.”

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/10/2019:
so what do you think of what he said?

happy-1 on 09/10/2019:
No idea. All I know is I’ve stopped crying and I’m here to take my dad to his appointment.


legcramps on 09/10/2019:
I'm also curious to know how you feel about this text from him...

happy-1 on 09/10/2019:
dick

happy-1 on 09/10/2019:
sorry tried to delete that

happy-1 on 09/10/2019:
Honestly I don’t know what to think. I really thought he was the one. All I know is that yesterday I did nothing I planned to do. I haven’t cried yet today, I got up and had my protein shake, walked my dog, went to the gym, bought groceries, and am home to take my dad to his appointment on time. I showered and I am wearing real clothes and am about to do my hair. These aren’t huge things but they make a big difference over time.

happy-1 on 09/10/2019:
It’s possible I overreacted, but the dynamic between us has been weird since June. I thought it was because I was under stress with my mom. She was sick a while before she was actually diagnosed.


grannyannie on 09/10/2019:
I understand well.


legcramps on 09/10/2019:
Ok, now that you've explained your feelings I feel like I can respond better :)

Also, I like your first response just as much as your last one...possibly even more.

His text is a complete cop-out. You didn't consciously plan this, so that should make it okay? No. Nope. He's either got some really crappy communication skills, or he really is a dick.

There's a point in life where - all of us - need to MAN THE F UP and start being honest with ourselves and with the people around us, regarding what we want or need from them. I know this is incredibly hard for you right now, especially with the loss of your Mom and yet still having stress in your life taking care of your Dad. When I was with my last ex (there have been a few, I tell people I needed to kiss a lot of frogs before I found my prince), my Dad was dying. My ex refused to communicate by phone with me, told me to my face that he found me uninteresting, ignored and avoided me when it suited him. When I decided to delete him from my life, I sent him a similar text to yours, telling him I was glad to have enjoyed his company but that I needed to stop feeling like I was unworthy. He sent me a similar response to your ex's. It was like he didn't even care, and I felt a LOT of emotion for him at the time.

After some time though, I actually felt shame over the whole relationship. The fact that I was so easily enveloped by him, and then so easily destroyed after only five months, was eye-opening. I knew part of that was because of the situation I was in - Dad was dying, I needed a distraction/support/love. But I also realized that I placed my entire worth in his opinion of me, and that was what ultimately opened my eyes. Never again will I let someone else decide what i'm worth.

And then of course, along came BF and the rest is history. Good things will come. When you least expect it!

happy-1 on 09/10/2019:
OMG... there’s so much to unpack here... but in the meantime... AMEN!


BearCountryGG on 09/10/2019:
Legs said it all....why let the other person run the relationship.......so well said. Don't let them tell you your worth. You deserve to be with someone who values you. While you are with someone that devalues you...you just might miss out on someone that does see your worth.


Donkey on 09/10/2019:
So good manners prevent me from expanding on my initial thought, which was "WTF"... It only goes downhill from there.



happy-1 - Tuesday Sep 10, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Body battery AM was 29.

Got up, weighed in, ate healthy, walked the cog, went to the gym, bought groceries, came home to take my dad to his appointment, showered and put on real clothes. One foot in front of the other. 

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/10/2019:
you sound great! and what does the body battery say!?


BearCountryGG on 09/10/2019:
Sounds like a good solid day!


Donkey on 09/10/2019:
Well done! I'd be interested in the body battery today too!


Maria7 on 09/11/2019:
That is a lot you did. Hope you got some rest, too.


grannyannie on 09/14/2019:
Well done!



happy-1 - Monday Sep 09, 2019
(Make only healthy choices tlll 9/15)
Weight: 216.3

Ex texted “hugs” again today. This is painful and feels like anything but a hug. I replied something along the lines of “You’ve been really hard to get ahold of lately. What’s up with you? Is everything awful and all you can manage to say is “hugs” to stay in touch? Not knowing what the deal is is really awful.” But there was no response. It really ruined my morning. I’m thinking that email mentioned in the article on the 60 day no contact rule sounds like a pretty good idea. $97 is a little steep for an email template but I thought the article was well-written: https://lovesagame.com/no-contact-rule/

Body battery was 30, but AM anguish sucked away my will to get up and walk the Cog, workout or anything else. Cleaned the kitchen, did laundry, made breakfast, got dad up and started instead. Now down to 13 and miles to go before I sleep. I have to take him to a doctors appointment today. After, I need to pick up my prescriptions. Maybe find a pm yoga class.

---

Update: I did it. I dug out his number from Google voice and sent a text letting him know I am going no-contact. 60 days starting tomorrow ends Nov 5.

 

 

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

grannyannie on 09/09/2019:
So sorry. I know it's painful. :(

happy-1 on 09/09/2019:
Thank you. Ripping the bandage off at once is less painful than a millimeter at a time


Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/09/2019:
body battery goes up to 100 right?

also, love your "cog"

lastly, your ex is wrong to tease. yeah, his game is ugly.

happy-1 on 09/09/2019:
I think it's a misguided attempt to help me and be kind because I lost my mom.


Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/09/2019:
I am sorry if i read it wrong :(

happy-1 on 09/09/2019:
You may be reading it right and I’m reading it wrong... I would never leave anyone I care about hanging


Donkey on 09/09/2019:
You did the right thing. Sometimes it has to be that harsh. I mean, severe of a break-off.

happy-1 on 09/09/2019:
I feel so bitchy, but looking at my empty phone is kind of a relief. Friend said why didn't you just block him? I said because he wasn't saying anything mean... Just the same one word text over and over. Crazy making. If he keeps going with it before 60 days are up, I'll block him. But it wouldn't be torture if I didn't want him... and that's why I just need it to stop.

happy-1 on 09/09/2019:
And the way I look at it, I've already been dumped, I just want to stop talking and have some space to heal. That link I posted is actually really good.



happy-1 - Sunday Sep 08, 2019
(Make only healthy choices tlll 9/15)
Weight: 216.3

Body battery was 34 after almost 8h of sleep! Also, it says yesterday was the first day I didn’t bottom out my energy level to exhaustion, even if it didn’t feel that way. The difference is huge. Little things like checking my dad’s oxygen tanks to see which need charging, organizing my pinterest boards, or logging a meal to Cronometer is a lot easier. There’s just a little more cogn reserve. Also didn’t linger in bed forever when I woke up... Got right up, made my coffee+protein shake, and out to walk the cog. Offered to take dad to the grocery store, but he turned me down. At least I tried.

Also, this was the first week I made it all the way through the family meal plan I have up on the dry erase board on the fridge... Like all the meals in order in a row. 

Brain on... Body on... Today is about grocery shopping. It’s hard because the best nutrional and  lowest sodium options aren’t at Sams Club... so to get everything I need for a week I‘d need to go almost every day to a different store. Crazy making.

  • Walmart or Vons - Dave’s multigrain white bread 
  • Trader Joe’s - English muffins, packaged salads, peanut butter, low sugar jam, healthy canadian bacon, sliced cheddar
  • Sprouts - Low sodium deli turkey and roast beef, corn flakes, cottage cheese, 70% dark chocolate chips
  • Aldis - best prices for eggs, melon
  • Sams club - meat, dairy
  • Mexican market - produce

Just did Aldi’s today. I bought chicken breast there but was surprised that their chicken breast had chicken broth in it... I think the sodium is higher.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 09/08/2019:
you sound a lot better and DAYUM....! that's a LOT of different stores to go to!

i'm into english muffins too lately as a change of pace from wraps. but i do not like how the english muffins are so messy. next week or two and i'm onto something else!

happy-1 on 09/08/2019:
The Trader Joe's english muffins only have 60g of sodium. Other brands have as much as 410!!!!! they also aren't messy. Just going to buy 2-3 bags this week and slice then freeze. Ugh.


Donkey on 09/08/2019:
I can see why you dread going grocery shopping sometimes. I thought I had it rough with 3 stores to go to. It's actually 4, but I refuse to go to the one store for produce (dangerous traffic pattern in the parking lot) and my husband refuses to go to Aldi. So between the 2 of us, there's actually 4.

Who would have thought that grocery shopping could be so complex?

happy-1 on 09/09/2019:
such a pain in the butt


BearCountryGG on 09/08/2019:
I wish I did have choices...in the last 2 days...we have had 2 pkgs of sliced cheese get moldy and they didn't expire for over 2 more months...


legcramps on 09/09/2019:
Sounds like you are doing a bit better, and i'm happy to read this post about your accomplishments during the week. You get so much done! There's no way I could stick to a whole week of meal planning LOL - I literally have trouble day to day deciding what to eat or cook. My life would be so much easier if I could just eat out HEALTHY every single day haha! Or if we didn't have to take time to eat at all, that would be even better :P but HANGRY. All the time.



happy-1 - Saturday Sep 07, 2019
(Make only healthy choices tlll 9/15)
Weight: 216.3

Still not texting ex back. It feels really mean... I'm searching the Internet for wisdom. Apparently going "no contact" is a strategy for getting your ex back... except why would anyone want someone back that they feel like they have to go "no contact" on? Can you imagine trying to go through a zombie apocalypse with them? I'd throw myself to a zombie on purpose. One site said to send a text to your ex that you plan to be out of contact for 60 days to heal and work on yourself. Feels less mean but kind of a pile on since I called 2x and sent a text that he was being confusing and just got the same text back over and over. I think that's enough for now. It's not like I didn't see red flags or try to address them... just couldn't make it happen.

Ok... got in bereavement counselor's companion time assignment with dad watching him handicap 3 horse races. I still don't understand why he likes it or how he does it... but he does. That was my major achievement for today.

No workout because cat woke me up at 3:30AM for food and I haven't slept well the past few days. Could barely move on the machine yesterday.

Errands. Dinner for dad. Early bedtime.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Donkey on 09/08/2019:
Mean or not, if it's over, it's over. Oh I remember how painful the end of a relationship is. Your evaluation of "just couldn't make it work" is sometimes just how it goes.

PS I like how you use the zombie apocalypse as an evaluation tool for a relationship. As funny as that may seem, there is a lot of truth to that.

happy-1 on 09/08/2019:
It’s the weirdest thing to think someone is absolutely fantastic and absolutely hate spending time with them, but still miss them terribly.

I also use the example of going on a cross country road trip... At least this one isn’t as bad... the last guy I dated I would have jumped out of a moving car to avoid talking to him.

It would be nice to say goodbye like adults instead of hiding from phone calls / avoiding texts. He was pretty great.


BearCountryGG on 09/08/2019:
WEll Happy...people either click or they don't...if he isn't the one it's better to find out sooner than later. I know you have a lot of time invested but why waste anymore time on him when he doesn't meet your needs. Is actual talking on the phone out of the question? Texting can be so impersonal and takes basically no investment in the relationship.

happy-1 on 09/08/2019:
It’s not about time invested... I’m just sad because he’s a pretty great person and the dynamic between us sucks. Ultimately the issue is that he was one of the cool kids growing up and got burned out on having fun and adventuring and doesn’t want to go to the beach, a pool, hiking, a park, a walk, a farmer’s market or anything. He just wants to sit on a couch and eat junk food. I was a dork + working at 14 + early in college and missed my fun window growing up so there’s still tons I want to do and see. Plus I have health conditions that mean no pizza or junk food. And I can’t sit still long enough to sit on a couch and watch TV... I do chores, crafts, cook withtv on in the background and replay the same tv show 10x. We just irritate the **** out of each other.


Horn_of_plenty on 09/08/2019:
an early bedtime always gets me moving faster the next day :)



happy-1 - Friday Sep 06, 2019
(Make only healthy choices tlll 9/15)
Weight: 216.3

Aaack. 

Woke up dreading my phone and stayed in bed extra to avoid it. He had texted me a little after midnight "hugs". I was full crying, eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and generally miserable and my pets were being very understanding and appreciative of all the treats I gave them. My dog had never liked him anyway. My cat had only met him once but really didn't understand the appeal. I replied "Confused and hurt hugs. I don't understand why you keep texting me if you don't want to talk to me or see me." It was empty, which made me sad. I got dressed for the gym, but was kind of in a daze after not enough sleep. I was just moping around so I did chores... washed dishes, made dad breakfast, cut melon, packed lunches, washed the floor, changed the cat box, cleaned up the yard. 7ish I got "Hugs" again... That's it. Crazy making. The same text randomly multiple times a day and nothing else. It feels like anything but a hug... More like a gut punch... Just rejection + hope + being dangled on a hook by the guy who didn't ghost, but didn't exactly dump me... but still dumped me. This is the path to bunny boiling. I deleted his text and unhooked myself.

Had a nice morning with my dad though. It was a nice change. We decided that on outing days I should me home by 9AM to get out and ready to roll by 10am. So really I need to be home by 8am... because he's like that.

I had to get out of my moping/crying/binge eating so I grabbed all my paperwork off my desk, shoved it in a bag and took it to the snack bar at the gym. It closes at 2:30, so I'll work till then, and go do cardio after.

Maybe a movie tonight.

----

Update: Digital trail deleted. RIP happy little memories of moments of joy while mom was sick but I still had her... For just a little while I had everything.

---

Update: Made a project plan today (gaant chart) that shows everything I need to do and the timeline... And OH MY HEAVENS!!!!!!!!!! I NEVER GET A DAY OFF AGAIN!!!!!!!!!

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 09/06/2019:
Scheduled your self waaaay into the future eh? LOL.......Nice to hear that you had a nice morning with your dad though.

happy-1 on 09/07/2019:
I budgeted 1 task per day and ended up with 3 years of work


Donkey on 09/07/2019:
You did so well today - I'm very inspired by you!

happy-1 on 09/07/2019:
TY! I'm inspired by you!!!


Horn_of_plenty on 09/08/2019:
remember that bc a relationship ends, it's not you. there's the other person and their reasons also. take it as fate - as someone else mentioned in the comments below. believe it or not, the one guy that i really "loved" but he wasn't feeling it with me, i still in my mind have a lust for here and there...i still would want him and want to talk with him and hug him if i saw him right now. and still, the only reason i don't reach out is that i think how he was not interested to chat on phone or text back...he isn't available...i always remind myself how he's not available to me...and it works.

next, i was talking to a coworker about plans/planning since you mentioned it. and she said any plan needs a start/end time or it's not a plan. or like start/end date. she said i've not fully planned out my own court officer goal and that i need MUCH more further plans. so, if you have a timeline with even start and end times, well that sounds very detailed as a plan!



happy-1 - Thursday Sep 05, 2019
(Make only healthy choices tlll 9/15)
Weight: 216.3

Today, my greatest achievement was getting the electricity fixed. Now dad can run his AC and oxygen at the same time without a brown out. I can be out during 12-6 without worrying about him expiring from the heat or falling trying to flip the main circuit breaker all the way on the other side of a fence you have go around the house to get to (we can't put a door in it... code violation).

There was more here... But I deleted it. 

I'm just really sad. Called boyfriend yesterday. Called him today. No call back yesterday. No pickup or callback tonight. Just the daily empty texts "Hugs".

Message gotten. I'm single. Ouch.

Tomorrow, I just stop replying. One month from now, I'll see how I feel about deleting his digital trail from my laptop. I want, but don't need, to send a text saying it was nice knowing him and goodbye. Just let it lie.

Assuming he even texts me tomorrow. Why did I spend time with him at all after my mom got her diagnosis?

Give it up to God. The right future is out there.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/06/2019:
it is really hard to break away from a relationship and get over a breakup. i think it'd be smart to delete everything about him / contacts. i had to do it once. it hurt...but the only way i got thru was to remind myself that he couldn't give me what i was looking for.

happy-1 on 09/06/2019:
Or worse... Can, did, but now won't.


Donkey on 09/06/2019:
^^100% spot on insight and advice.

happy-1 on 09/06/2019:
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh.


legcramps on 09/06/2019:
HoP is right, and that is also what I had to do - twice. So, delete the trail, and leave it up to fate. You will get to where you need to go, and in the end you'll be grateful you didn't let it go on and on without reason.

If someone you feel you are close to can't even talk to you on the phone, or all they send are simple little texts that don't mean anything - they are not invested in the relationship. I'm sorry. You deserve better. You ALWAYS deserve better. Remember that!

happy-1 on 09/06/2019:
Augh. I just did it. Deleted all the texts and pics and happy little memories from all my devices. I feel like I ripped off my ear.

happy-1 on 09/06/2019:
And I know I will be grateful in the future, but right now it's extra hard because I lost my mom and am losing my dad.


grannyannie on 09/06/2019:
So sorry! I know how hard it is when a relationship ends.

happy-1 on 09/06/2019:
TY.



happy-1 - Wednesday Sep 04, 2019
(Make only healthy choices tlll 9/15)
Weight: 216.3

Body battery: 21

Blah!

Ran my body battery down from 14 to to 5 last night and overslept (7:20am). This means I woke up to The Circus... What used to be my mom and dad in full swing has suddenly turned into a yowling cat and my dad. The cat is just hungry. My dad is both hungry and a ball of massive anxiety from being up alone all night thinking horrible things. Without my mom there, there's nobody to say soothing, positive things to him in the middle of the night or agree that everything is terrible and then say she'll fix it. So he is in full spin by 7AM.

I still weighed in and tried to get out and to the gym... Lost time searching for gym clothes only to realize I couldn't find them because... I had done such a good job of setting myself up the night before. Everything was lined up and ready to go. Doh! By 8am, there was so much traffic, I wasn't going to make it there and back for the bereavement counselor at 10 am (she rescheduled for the 3rd time)... So I went to Trader Joes to restock healthy, easy to grab food. I thought I had a week's worth on Sunday, but I'm already completely out. I have no idea how.

I wasn't really awake yet, had my coffee while I was there, and just shuffled around Trader Joe's in a haze of exhaustion and overwhelm. It was like visiting a foreign land where people are nice to each other, doing nice things for their families, taking good care of themselves and eating delicious things. I just wandered around and around for an hour. When I got home, I looked in the mirror and realized why the staff was eyeballing me funny... I looked like I'd been hit by a truck. My clothes were fine but I've got a muffin top / tire of fat around my middle that I don't remember being there. It's not my pants squishing me... It's upper abdominal fat and it made my top look strange. My hair color is good and not brassy but without a tan (because I haven't seen sun in forever) is too dark for my skin tone. My haircut from the weekend is a huge improvement but I need bobby pins or gel if I put it in a bun for a workout... all the little layers had escaped and were standing straight up from my head like I'd been electrocuted in an old Warner Brother's cartoon. I've got huge bags under my eyes. I had forgotten to floss. There was cat and dog fur all over my butt... I'd only run the roller down the front. I've got rashes on my hands and legs.

Now I am home again and pulling my head together by posting here, refocusing my day... It's on the calendar per OT instructions... It's what I need to do to get my head together, but I always feel bad about doing it... Like I should be getting something done instead.

Things I will do to make tomorrow more streamlined...

  • Move my "Get out of the house fast" setup into the second bathroom entirely since I go there first to weigh in
  • Setup my protein shake at night with instant coffee and skip making coffee in the morning
  • Put my entire lunch bag in the mini cooler instead of the kitchen fridge
  • Update my before bed checklist to include new setup

Battles can be lost and a war can still be won.

Going to ask the bereavement counselor to help us reboot. I got way off track while sick and recovering from dental surgery.

Grrrrrrr. Get after it.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 09/05/2019:
you may not have gotten to the gym, but the whole day wasn't a wash :) teeth / mouth issues are so uncomfortable!

happy-1 on 09/05/2019:
Hugs. Glad to reboot tomorrow...


legcramps on 09/05/2019:
I think you manage pretty well to get through these rougher days...I applaud your resolve to continue to be better and work harder every day.

I can commiserate those sucky days where things can't ever go right. I had a day like that last week. I was on the phone with my phone provider because the internet had somehow been disabled on my phone. While I was talking to the tech, she started telling me how to fix it, and I thought I would be so smart to follow along on my phone while she was talking, and I inadvertently hung up on her when she told me to turn Airplane Mode on. We had a good laugh about it when she phoned me back five minutes later, but in the moment I thought some pretty negative thoughts about myself. It's hard to change our culture of being hard on ourselves in the moment, but I think it's important to at least realize it, and forgive yourself for not being your best that day.

happy-1 on 09/05/2019:
Hugs. And give yourself a hug and get back on track. The hug feels good.

Also, I think I post here to give myself a pep talk... Like a hug!



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