AM body battery: 14
Stuck to my plan today, no matter what... Hot hot heat... Exhaustion, weepiness... Dad tantrums and him slamming my hand in the door when I tried to hand him the phone (on accident) then freaking out that he slammed my hand in the door (part of aging... he doesn't just laugh it off and it was mid-tantrum so he was already mad)... I just took a break, set a timer on Alexa, breathed "So Hum" till my heart rate went down to 89, pictured the waves on a beach coming in and out with my breath... (guess that yoga class on saturday really stuck with me). And then kept going.
And no bingeing... Because my cooler was packed with cold water raw broccoli and if I wasn't hungry enough to eat the broccoli, I didn't need anything else.
Tomorrow... Same thing.
I love it when a plan comes together.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Body battery is up to 29! Incremental progress. I also set up the scale yesterday. Everything synchs to Cronometer, which is pretty cool.
Still debating a $100 blood pressure monitor that would auto log to Cronometer. I have one already but my dad has claimed it as his. He doesn't even use it.
Have been up at 4:30 am fully awake and needing to pee, but able to get back to sleep. Up on time but unplugged Alexa when she was rattling off the prompts because she says them 2x as reminders and it is annoying. I then did not jump out of bed to start doing anything. I think I need to add a routine that says "Hey, it's 5am. Start thinking about getting out of bed.", then starts playing news or something. The prompts will only be said once and that will be less likely to be unplugged.
Have come up with an idea for smoothing things over with dad... A system of points that represent my available hours in a week and how much time I can spend on his stuff, possibly with:
I like the idea of time points better than money because it addresses the issue that he thinks my time is free and disposable and that he should just be able to flake on me and expect me to drop my plans the next day and take him then... and he flakes on me then.
What do you think?
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
I hope that you post pictures of your weight read-out (up or down, doesn't matter) so that we can see what it does. Again, so cool!
Would the point system be for you or for him? I can see how it could be a useful tool. However, for myself, I'd want something more minimal, like 10 points a day, or 24 points a day (24 hours in a day) or something like that. That might not work for your situation, though.
I’m super glad to hear you don’t think a point sytem is mean!!! I can definitely make it simpler.
Hugs
Good idea though!
Houston! We have liftoff!
Body battery is up to 27! I feel a little human again.
Didn't get to yoga today, but I did pick up the scale and prep some food for the week. So incrementally forward.
Watching "Fatal Instinct" with my dad. What's funnier than the movie is how funny he finds the movie.
Tomorrow, a break from the bereavement group for the holiday. Plan is to do some cardio and shower at the gym, find a Starbucks, and just enjoy being out of the house till it is time to come home and make sure the electric stays on while dad runs the AC. The main circuit keeps getting overloaded and we are having a lot of brownouts.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Body battery was up to 14/100 this morning, but I didn’t feel different. Then I got my moodshifting custom kitty wakeup this morning and found that I did in fact feel better.
There was a slight improvement in my exhaustion level. Went to yoga and got my haircut. 3pm and battery level has only dropped to 10... instead of the 5... I think lower than 5 means you are dead. 10 does feel slightly better than 5.
It was a fight to go to bed at 8-9 last night but worth it. I feel like a jerk for saying no to watching a movie on tv with dad... but I was crawling from chore to chore. 10 means when I came home to take him to the grocery store and it wasn’t going to work out, I went and got food and reset instead of crawling to bed because am chores and attempting to do anything wore me out and drama was the last straw.
Cooler arrived today.
One foot in front of the other.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
it's good you are trying to reset...chores can def make a person tired lol...meaning, i get it and that's what they do to me LOL.
it's ok to sleep and not watch a movie. i tend to always sleep instead...but today was more productive thank gosh!
https://www.bicycling.com/bikes-gear/a20050631/how-to-choose-an-indoor-bike-trainer/
I feel like chores aren't very meaningful or difficult work, so they shouldn't make me tired but man... Throw in hot hot heat and it's a wipe out.
I watched part of the movie tonight before I cleaned the kitchen and fed the pets. We'll watch more tomorrow.
Accomplishments yesterday were going to the gym and doing 45 minutes of cardio, going to bed on time, and eating mostly healthy.
BF texted me a photo of ripped jeans... I kind of felt like his mum? I said don't worry nobody probably noticed, Dickies suck, buy Lucky Brand next time, try to get an inseam 1-2" longer than you usually wear, then deleted his texts again. He said he was fine with what he wears. I said as you should be and deleted it again. No texts good morning which is how I know he took offense to the comment. Yes it was a personal comment... But... Sigh. I can't ever do anything right. Super glad I deleted his number out of my phone so I can't easily send a good morning text and start working to get him talking to me again...
I spent my Catalina money on removing impediments to fitness. Empty consolation prize... but hey, worth a shot... Maybe I'll find a new hobby and keep myself distracted.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
good purchases on your Catalina money if you do intend to use them. i am thinking to purchase an indoor bike and/or elliptical. i think i need to do more at home...with less opportunities to skip.
No weigh in this morning. No yoga.
What I did instead of yoga
Last night was really hard... Dad had a full scale meltdown on me from 5 to 8pm when I just gave up and went to bed. He probably was up all night... he was still in monster mode when I woke up this morning so I just went back to bed and watched Netflix... Numb and dumb till 11 and I just had to get out to get my brain jumpstarted... went to the post office and lunch. Body battery reading is interesting... It shows that the extra sleep really helped... Then the high stress on wakeup immediately dropped it, but as soon as I left the house my stress level also dropped.
What I will do to move forward
OT has me working on sleep and timing this week. I need to set reminders on Alexa.
He has a phone call with the nutritionist today. First one... I mailed in his handicapped transport application... I need to make him a couple of appts. If I go home now and tackle it, maybe I can walk the cog before dinner tonight.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
will you be mostly the caretaker for your dad going forward? that's def a lot of responsibility to make appts and attend to him. good that you are responsible for him. i hope you feels better soon too.
enjoy your cog walk! i'm starting to think that even though i don't have any pets, that i may start to get up and walk once my alarm goes off in the morning...or do steps or something! maybe i should get a bike like donkey.
I'm trying to figure out care for my dad going forward. I really can't think through that choice yet. I'm just completely exhausted.
Get a trainer for your current bike... Save space in your tiny NY apt.
Managed to get to the anatomy class last night and it may not be a transferrable class. Aaack! I need to see a counselor. And actually enroll, I guess. Why do I do everything half assed and at the last minute? Oh right. My body battery is stuck at 5%. Which is pretty much how I feel. Completely exhausted and like everything is just too much.
Woke up at 5:30am. Had a hard time getting started. I just couldn’t get my head together to get out of the house... My brain was glitching on “I need more dry erase markers, pill pack bags, the new lunch bag, and to trade that watch in at REI because it won’t track my yoga, meditation or chores... and that’s across town from the gym... and I have the telephone appt with the OT today... How do I commit to a clas till I have that done???” None of these things were impo or essential to get to yoga and cardio... but I couldn’t unstuck my brain so just doing them today to move forward. Ugh.
BF texted randomly last night all the stuff that was going on over the weekend. I think it may have been mansplaining that he had super important stuff going on this weekend and that’s why he flaked on saturday and was rude when I texted on saturday about the book I was reading and he told me to stop sending rapid fire texts he can’t reply to. I said let me know how I can help, told him he was doing a good job, and then deleted his number from my phone again. I don’t want to expend energy on it right now. I have done my best every minute with him since I met him, it hasn’t made it work. It’s about to be Labor Day weekend and if I am in a relationship we should be on Catalina Island together having fun with the Sierra Club campout, sunning and snorkeling... not deleting texts and looking for something to do on Meetup to make the weekend suck less.
One foot in front of the other.
----
Update: Had my telehealth appt with the occupational therapist... She says the Garmin Body Battery reading is probably right if it is taking sleep tracking and heart rate variability into account. I probably can't pull off the class at night if I am getting so little deep or REM sleep and my stress level is so high. I can try, but it's more likely that I won't be able to keep up with the class at all, it will wear me down and keep me from being able to go back to work and the career I already have. She looked at my calendar and then told me I needed to change it around so that I plan on ending my day at 5:30 and making dinner so that I am in my bedroom with the door closed at 8pm "in bed"... no tv, no phone, no electronic screens. I basically need to be Amish until the Garmin Body Battery reading is about 80% when I wake up.
5% is what it says when you are at risk of heart attack or stroke. It just kind of made my jaw drop. Just went all in on the Garmin Scale.
---
Just went through my calendar and cleaned it out according to what the OT said I need to do. No fun things, no classes, nothing that makes life fun... For like 6 weeks. BUT THEN I WILL HAVE FUN!!!!
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
the body battery is at 5% or it says you are at 5%? remember to also use your discretion aside from technological cues lol i hope the battery info isn't just sucking your energy just by seeing it says you are at 5%!
i took anatomy and physiology. it was seriously one of the most intense courses i have EVER taken in terms of memorization. LOTS to memorize for that course.
i think men are different than women. we like to text to discuss things but they like to get to the point. i had a couple people tell me also to stop with all the texts in a row lol.
keep your positivity.
Scale gets here on Sunday. Let the body biohacking begin.
I like what your OT prescribed. Kind of like a re-set?
I also agree with the vintage of the Firehose. Even though the heartburn afterwards greatly 'sucks'.
Most of the fights are about food... he wants pizza, soda, deli meat, frozen dinners... and for some reason doesn’t order anything for himself online. I don’t buy these things because I can’t have them around and I don’t buy them for him because if he gets too much sodium he has heart failure, I started with a nutritionist call today.
If only it came with firemen ;)
No weigh in today.
Why I didn't go to yoga or the gym this morning
Just exhausted and as soon as my eyes popped open at 5:30am I walked into the kitchen and found a million chores to do.
Chores took a long time... I could have done a lot of them last night but I was exhausted from taking dad to the doctor yesterday and it was crazy hot out yesterday.
This morning, instead of going to yoga and breakfast I:
Correlation between mood and body battery...
Interestingly, my Garmin Connect body battery says I am at 5%... and that is pretty much how I feel. Like I can't keep going, I am completely wiped, and trying to do even one tiny thing is too much... And I just want to cry. I'm a bit cranky, even towards the pets. According to the app I can boost my body battery by sleeping, taking a break, or doing an activity.
I am pretty impressed with the accuracy of the tracking and the displays of data. I can't believe I ever bought a Fitbit. It's just so astonishingly better... I am not too happy with the Forerunner 45 so far... It is fairly new so there's no ConnectIQ apps or nylon wristbands available yet... Apparently if I had purchased the Forerunner 245 (+$100) or 645 (+$200), or the Vivoactive 3, I would be happier.
Connected Garmin to Cronometer and am starting to log my calories again. Discovered they've added a bunch of data sources to aggregate a total health picture to their data displays... I might think about a Withings wifi scale and blood pressure cuff to help me get myself on track with a better picture overall. The Withings scale is half what the Garmin scale is.
Research, research... hmm...
Progress towards making life better...
Tonight at 5pm is my last chance to try to crash a basic anatomy class at the local community college. As much as I want to run over to REI and exchange my watch... tomorrow.
Sources of joy today...
So if a certain someone decided to upgrade from her Fitbit to a Garmin, which model would you recommend?
if you need a nap, i'd say take it.
jIt’s 6am, and kitty says, “You’ve been up for an hour, just unplugged Alexa when she started you, and your pain meds have kicked in. Get your ass out of bed and walk and feed us, human!” You could set your alarm by this cat. What a happy way to start my day.
Yesterday I made it to the gym and that was about it. I got exhausted and binge ate. I’m not getting enough veggies, I think. Too much of the wrong stuff. I didn’t stock up on any because of dental surgery. I am super interested in the Garmin “body battery” feature. I can’t wait.
Garmin arrived at REI but they don’t open till 10... Gym is on the other side of town from REI... But Trader Joe’s opens at 8... So coffee, walk the cog, chores and sorting mom’s papers till 8, shower, trader joe’s and a salad there with a grocery stash in my cooler (because I was smart and froze my canteens last night), in store pickup at REI, lunch bag pickup at container store, yoga if I can make it, call pro organizer and setup a test work session and consultation, head home, lunch, take dad to doctors appointment on other side of town, second lunch at whole foods on the way home. Drop dad off, catch a lyft to the junior college to crash the anatomy class. Lyft home. Straight to bed. Cardio, yoga and hanging at the gym snack bar to tackle papers tomorrow.
I can do this. All might seem bottomlessly hopeless and worthless but it is an illusion. Kickboxing bf is not the only guy out there. I can have whatever future I want to have as long as I keep trying everyday like my mom did, I will see her and all my ancestors in Valhala. The battles are short but the war is long and it’s an endurance game. That my dad has a weird headspace that creates endless sadness and fighting is sad but it doesn’t have to control me.And I can find an Alexa skill to read this back to me whenever I need it.
Alexa, give me a pep talk.
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
Happy Sunday Funday!
My Alexa reminders were to get up and walk the cog and go to yoga, but I only feel like eating a good sunday breakfast, hiding under my covers, and watching Heartland on Netflix. Someday, I would like to have a life where people only say nice things to each other and don't snarl or bite my head off everytime we interact. Maybe I need to move to Canada?
Part of this morning's freeze up is that my guy flaked on date night last night and snarled at me over text. He always texts me good morning and weirdly I was dreading it this morning. I should clarify that he's awesome and has always been good to me... it's just he's going through a rough time and communication is strained... and I don't know how to make it better... and trying to do nice things for him, communicate with him, or make it better is just making it worse... So I just need to stop trying, give him space, and focus on my own life. He'll resolve it himself when he's ready. One way or another. I can be comfortable with being uncomfortable and certain that it's ok to be uncertain.
While I am hiding from the world, I'm working on setting myself up for success:
1. Logging here.
2. Online shopping: Not sure if these were responsible purchases, but I bought:
3. Finding a life... looking on Meetup.com. Found 1 fun thing I can go do each day on Labor Day weekend and not think about my guy. Spending Mon-Thurs evenings this week trying to crash a basic anatomy class at the community college near me.
But I will do some kind of workout after storage today.
---
I did my workout... 30 min of cardio that seemed really hard for no apparent reason except that I am fat and out of shape... I felt much better when the guy at the front desk said they replaced a bunch of machines so if I was at level 5 before, knock it down to level 2 because the new machines have more resistance...
Doh...
Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!
I really admire your insight in knowing that you need to stop trying and pull back. That's not easy to catch oneself in time to do that.
This pepper spray has pink sparkles. Bling!
also, nice job recovering after yesterday. for some reason, i don't love the taste of rx bars...you must have been quite hungry yesterday i think when you binged...?
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You did good with planning despite the obstacles. great job.
especially kudos to you on not bingeing even when stressed.
Thank you... I just re-read this post and it gave me confidence on moving forward, and the kudos really help me know I am on the right track... Esp from you!
Donkey on 09/04/2019:
First, you did REALLY well. Just like Horn said, in spite of obstacles, you kept on persevering and getting a lot done.
Second, great visual for the breathing with waves on a beach. I'm going to have to try that.
Third, 100% with the broccoli. This is exactly the thought-process tool that I use to gauge hunger, especially late-night "hunger" -- If I don't want a hard boiled egg or carrot sticks, then I'm not really hungry.
EXCELLENT! (even if it didn't feel like it)
Unless I put hot sauce and brown mustard on them, then I can eat like 20 eggs. Yum.
Horn_Of_Plenty on 09/04/2019:
like donkey said, it's good you had something ready to eat and an alternative to junk food so you could assess real hunger. i use this tool at times too. healthy alternatives at the ready.
Hugs... Plan your work... Work your plan. Yay!
legcramps on 09/04/2019:
You did a great job today :) :)
If YOU say I did a great job today... I really, really did!