226.1... my little descent / spinout has made me gain 5lbs. Aaaargh. Self-defeat is in my wiring, but I am changing everything one day at a time. Last night I took my sleep meds late but still managed to get up on my own without an alarm at 6:30AM. I have no pain in my neck, elbow, wrist, ankle or toe... Going to start tracking that along with time and food and get better about tracking food. I got bummed about how much I was eating and didn't log all of it. I left my fitbit off yesterday. Might do that again today.

6:30AM

Up.

- Ate dark chocolate chips instead of breakfast because I woke up bummed.

Walked my dog before it got hot. Neighbor says that a house of deceased couple the next block over is in the hands of a guy who might be an addict. Nerve-wracking.

8:30AM

Made breakfast for fam.

- Turkey bacon, sweet potato hash and a cheese omlette. Diet pepsi.

Mom got her blood test results back and all those dinners I've been slinging have had an impact. She might be able to avoid going on insulin... 205lbs... glucose is in range, This made me happy.

10:30AM

Puppet dude is very nice. Not the hottest, but nice. His forehead was peeling. I spent the whole time staring at it and thought about saying something but I didn't want to make hm self-consicous. Luckily, it was close to his eyes so hopefully it wasn't too noticable. I think he might be a hoarder because while I was talking to him I had the strangest urge to clean my purse out... and that's always a sure sign. Plus he dreams of having cats again someday. I got claustrophobic just sitting there thinking about the cats and the smell and the pending asthma attasks. I was half ready to pull out my inhaler just thinking about the cats. He really liked me. I could learn to like him. Worth a second look at least.

- 2 coffees, half and half.

Neck started just killing me while we were having coffee. A hand warmer pad I keep in my bag just for that purpose did not help. If I think about what made my neck hurt... my favorite little steve madden backpack that I love love love (and Molly HATES) was too heavy..... And I was overwhelmed by all the negative thinking.

By way of Nordstroms rack which had nothing I wanted. Weird feeling. Well, Kate Spade sunglasses for $70... but I am in the $10 range for something I lose and replace monthly.

- Raw cashews

1:30 PM

Home and resting.

- turkey burger and cheese, slice of bread, olive oil

- mindless snacking... 4 granola bars and some dark chocolate chips.

4:30PM

Dad asks if I'd like to go out to dinner... but doesn't have a destination in mind. I can't think of anyplace I want to go... Everything is so salty out and honestly all I really want is some broccoli. These random requests to go out to dinner makes me spn out every time... I get all upset that I can;t make things good for him or get my mom out to go out with us... It just makes me so sad.

8:00PM

To pick myself up from being really sad, I just started fixing whatever was in front of me, I put air in my bike and car tires. I went over my car with a lint roller and got all the fur out it. I made dog food. I took clutter off my keyring. I went and did a grocery run for all the stuff I asked my mom to pick up at the market but she didn't. I made my dad a grilled cheese sandwich with my homemade pickes.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY... I GOT ALL MY PHOTOS OFF MY IPHONE... Now I can download the software update and reset it... and rejoin humanity... 

Except I can't get the update to work.

11PM

Sleep Meds kicking in. Gotta put away the dog food and go to bed.

Boring, pointless church tomorrow.

Today was so hot I couldn't think let alone type.

Achievements: haircut, HM return. Costco run. Fixed my own headlights, put up bug tent on patio. Bought a flash drive to get data off my phone. I might fix it yet.

Hurdles: heat, neck, elbow, wrist, and ankle pain.

Losses: are too many junky things. Didn't drink enough water.. Didn't get any personal stuff done. Didn't walk my dog. Didn't go do anything fun on a friday night.

Distorted thinking today... mostly that I'm "done" and there's no hope of ever getting my life on track or having a companion again. I know this isn't true... just playing as a tape in my head.

Changing everything one step at a time. Starting by taking sleep meds at 9pm and getting up early.

Today was so hot I couldn't think let alone type.

Achievements: haircut, HM return. Costco run. Fixed my own headlights, put up bug tent on patio. Bought a flash drive to get data off my phone. I might fix it yet.

Hurdles: heat, neck, elbow, wrist, and ankle pain.

Losses: are too many junky things. Didn't drink enough water.. Didn't get any personal stuff done. Didn't walk my dog. Didn't go do anything fun on a friday night.

Distorted thinking today... mostly that I'm "done" and there's no hope of ever getting my life on track or having a companion again. I know this isn't true... just playing as a tape in my head.

Changing everything one step at a time. Starting by taking sleep meds at 9pm and getting up early.

2AM

Randomly woke up starving. Not my usual thing. Tried to ignore it but no good. Ate 2 pbjs. Did dishes. Went back to bed.

3AM

Still up. 1 glass milk.

4AM

Gave up. Got up and made real breakfast. Then couldn't finish it. 2 eggs, olive oil, bite of a hot link, 1/3 paleo pancake. Everything hurts like someone whacked me with a pole. I duno why. I didn't got to exercise class. Took Tylenol.

8AM

Giving myself some down time while I wake up to log here.

Must have fallen asleep whie waiting for dawn to walk my dog. Dad woke me up when he heard his 8AM alarm because I asked him for help making sure I never sleep past 8AM. Aaaaw, daddy. Doing right by his little girl and still there enough to remember things. Guess I'm sucking it up and taking him to Ralph's later. Super groggy and spacey though. I will be alright this week though... Dad kept me from throwing off my sleep cycle and I've had enough to be functional today.

I think the church group last night was too stimulating that late at night. The whole thing was weird because a family in the congregation lost an 8 month old baby... Which was terribly sad... But when it was announced, the group started crying and the whole meeting fell apart. They must all be really close.

Also did not help that I looked up that puppet guy from OKC on Facebook and watched his comedy videos before going to bed. He's funny and not terribly hot but at least not creepy! I saw two 5 minute sets, but couldn't find his hour long one. The two bits are super self-deprecating... capitalizing on the fact that at the time he looked a bit like a Minion... and talks about how nobody would let him sit with him in high school and he couldn't get a date... very "my life sucks". I can't help think that if this is his set, the universe is listening and will give him more of the same. I asked him what happens if he gets a girlfriend? He'd have to rewrite everything. He's like no, I'd just chang everything to past tense. I said he's lost so much weight and is in better shape now... It's got to come off like you're telling someone else's jokes... You'd be better off rewriting everything and including jokes about your new girlfriend... Like... "I asked my girlfriend to send me some nudie pics while I am on the road. She sent me photos of my puppets in a state of undress. She knows me so well." He says I can be his writer.

10:30AM

Looking at the H and M site, they have some great separates that could be a dress or jumpsuit... But only in bright red!!!! I have everything on an olive, blue, and black base with one red tank for pop... So they wouldn't fit, but they are awesome and if I wait a month I might see something that works with my existing setup... that isn't a spaghetti strap top! But gorgeous.

Also dyed my hair and gave myself a mani/pedi. Happy with the color this time. No weird orange cast. I can't believe I used to get this stuff done professionally. Or that I never forgot to keep it all tip top. That seems like a different person 1 million years ago. I think my brain is all muddled all the time partially because my nails, hair and makeup fall out of synch for a couple of weeks here and there.

2:45PM

Gave up on trying to start my brain. Just too hot. Not happening. My poor dog keeps staring at me and following me around like she expects me to do something amazing... ugh... not happening. I just followed OT instructions and bailed out. Getting a burger and organzing my bag if not my brain. There's AC but it really doesn't make it that much cooler. Still, just not staring at the mass of unfinished projects helps. I need to do this every AM. Find a spot I can walk to with my dog. Not much around that is open before 8am in my dog's range though and right now at 7am it is already too hot.

5:30PM

Used BearCountry's timer to time my rest stop at home. Picking up my  dog and heading out to see who shows to the K9 meetup for a dog walk and brews. So far 3 people have bailed.

5AM

Up. Yay me!!!! Pulled dog in for a cuddle. She says it is too hot. I say cuddle anyway. I'm bigger. I win. For one second "walk" flitted through my brain and she is now 100% up. If I want to hang out, she says, I need to go for a walk. Who owns who? I must have a PBJ first. She must have a PB, no J.

***Update... I know why I was so brain dead today... took sleep meds at the same time a adhd meds and flopped my way through the day. Lesson learned... no matter how badly my dog wants a walk, turn the light on.***

6AM

Dad requested a special Dunkin Donuts coffee. Which required finding the grinder. He has also left me a sinkful of dishes to wash and a kitchen to clean. It was clean when I went to bed last night..

7AM

No gardening today. It is already too hot... and the patio looks dismal. Maybe I will start with putting up the bug tent tonight so I can even be out there... and keep an eye out for art so at least there is something to look at. And dark grey paint to make all the found containers match.

Tried to start my dill seeds last night and made a mess of it. The onion bottoms I cut from veggies and put in water to regrow are soggy and full of flies. I have no idea of what I can put in the bottoms of the keg buckets for drainage... if I save slim fast bottles, it will take months to have enough. I'd hate to waste unused aluminum foil by crumpling it up into balls.

Watched Poh and Co "for just 10 min" after a shower and ended up starving for real food. "Just one pancake" turned into making a bunch of pancakes, hotlinks, coffee, and orangaid for parents at breakfast table. Mostly because I felt small for not wanting to make my dad coffee.

9:30AM

Taking a break and making a grocery list... new sales are posted. Waiting for parents to move their car and I will leave. Ended up meal planning for next several weeks. Nutritionist reclassified both my yogurt tubes and paleo granola to "desserts"... which sucks. With only 1 serving of fruit or sugar a day, most of the sales are not relevant to my needs. I picked out a bunch of recipes for hiding veggies in.

11-30AM

Neck and back are killing me again. I think it's dehydration. Took advil. Drinking water. Parents decided to not go out. Mom looked good though... She's lost 3 more lbs and is at my goal weight for the year. 206. She was wearing some khaki crops I bought her and one of my old peasant tops with brown sandals... like a pleasantly pulled together granny... not babayaga. Agreed to go to midweek church service tonight since It is too hot to go to yoga.

1PM Headed out with laptop and cooler. Mailman says he has a package when he comes down. We have mail theft and could be dad's meds... headed back in. Broiling anyway. Stuck dog and myself in shower fully clothed. Adderall. Lunch... 3 cups broccoli topped with a lean cuisine. More water.

2:30PM Semi-human. Left house. Did 2 of my goals from yesterday. Came home. Took a break. Realized dad is out of whitebread, ran to store. Made dinner in instant pot... Pot roast, mashed potatoes.

7:30,

Made it to church. Ugh... Not my scene but the people are nice so I will likely go back again.

Talked to puppet guy off Just OK Cupid. Made him send me a comedy video. He's actually pretty funny. It's that self depricating humor that always makes me wince... I told him if he gets a girlfriend, none of it will apply anymore and he'll have to change his whole act.

10:30

Good night. Sleep tight. If you see chocolate, ice cream or beer don't bite.

Happy Tuesday! Day 2 of changing absolutely everything, 1 step at a time. Tracking my time here because it is key to losing weight... and getting a job. As such... I am updating my drrent diet... so my "time" is on a diet as well as my food and exercise.

Today's criteria for success:

• Eat 250 cal less than I burn
• Apply for 5 jobs
• Handle 2 items of personal business
• Get mom out for a movie and an excursion
• Restock household supply of bottled water

8AM

Overslept because I got to bed late. Hit snooze over and over for 2h. Breakfast is the last 2 gogurt tubes and 1 serving paleo granola.

9AM 

Brain still on sleep meds. A little groggy from having the sleep stuff too late last night. It takes about 9 hours to get out of my system. Shooting to be functional by 10am. Also Fitbit needs a charge so I will wait to do the patio till it is done. With weird calorie count yesterday, if Fitbit doesn't count it, I am sitting still.

Low brain tasks only... Going through grocery sales on mygrocerydeals.com and making a list.

9:30 - figure out that I can't because the new ads aren't up till tomorrow. DUH. I guess if they end on Tuesday they don't post the new ones till the next day. UGH.

Decided to work on Costco Price book. Takes an insane amount of time to enter all the prices I wrote down!!!! Definitely an app idea in here.

10:45AM

Made healthy chili cheese fries for me and dad. Took longer because dad got excited and haunted me in the 1.5 butt kitchen and he is 323 lbs so he is 2 butts by himself and I and 223 lbs and 1.5 butts by myself. Like having 4 people in the kitchen.

11:30AM

Listened to the 21 day meditation challenge tape from Innerpeace's challenge. I dunno that I feel the peace and calm. Also looked up "home meditation spaces" on google to see what I need to setup out there.

11:50AM

Brain worked enough to figure out Anytrans... so yes maybe it helped. It will copy your content from your phone to your laptop but it will not delete photos from your iphone. You have to manually delete them. $40. Alternate option for $60 is to buy a flash drive that connects to your iphone. You can store videos and music on that... 

12PM

Aaaaaw... Molly wants to go to a Depeche Mode tribute band at the OC Fair. It feels nice to be included.

I told her I need to check my calendar first. I really need to check the prices first. Looks like $12 for a ticket and $10 for parking... Plus figure $20 for food between a beer and a burger... $10 for gas... So like $55 or so... To probably not have any fun or meet any guys... because we never get hit on (because we look like a old lesbian couple and I'm the dude).

Best coupon is half price admission on Groupon? So $49...

Errrrr... 

12:40PM

Lunch. Kellogs crustless quiche, 2 cups broccoli. Single serving packet of trail mix

Trying to get my head together about what I need to do but it is getting too hot to think. Need to wash my dog to keep her cool and fresh. I'll start there.

1PM

Sitting down to do personal business tasks. Having a hard time getting my brain to focus. Trying Innerpeace's meditation tape again and making another vision board "Tasks" to puzzle out all the steps I need to do to get some stuff done. I know what they are but meditative... Settle the butterflies so they go and do that thing.

Mostly I am thinking about how much I want a double cheeseburger lettuce wrap but it is not time yet to do that

As the tape says "I am my ideal body".

1:30PM

Made dad lunch... A turkey burger with jack cheese and guac, fries, pickle. I just had the burger, some guac and thousand island. Change everything, one step at a time.

2:30PM

Can't think still. Desperate for a whole gallon of mocha fudge ice cream. Having stevia lemonade and gum instead. Neck, elbow, wrist, and ankle hurt. Sudden invasion of flies because I took meat out to thaw and although it was sealed the outside smelled and they were there. Must be a window that needs tape. Took care of flies and vacumed. Dumped all my personal stuff out on the floor. Dog is fighting me for floor space. Floor hog! Having advil and a nap.

4:30PM

Had a double chocolate lenny and larry's protein cookie. Sorting through to do items by priority. Making stacks to attack.

5PM

Mom ultimately bailed on seeing a movie or going to the tap room brewery... But canceling plans on me got he past her procrastination so... success?

I missed the window to run errands and just left the house for 2h. Closest destination was the drugstore for necessities. Thought of Bearcountry and bought a digital timer. Change everything one step at the time.

Monday! Unlimited potential for a new week! 

Here is where my time today went. I

8am

Attacked patio... It is a horror show and I want to boost mom's morale by making it a nice place for her to sit. Cleaned it yesterday. Today I pulled out supplies and arranged containers.

10am

Kitchen... made giant batch of turkey chili and cleaned. 

12:30

Showered/hair/nails/

1pm 

Just had lunch and I am still "snacky" and restless hungry. Nutritionist says that I am supposed to log what's going on with me when I binge or am about to. Breakfast was coffee, protein bar, and a gogurt. Snack was a lean cuisine and 3 cups of broccoli. Lunch was 2 gogurts and a 1/3 cup of paleo granola. Tearing into a 4 serving bag of salted peanuts. Can't tell if I am hungry, thirsty, lonely, or emotional or just tireed of having my neck hurt.

---

Realized I only got 4h sleep. Tried a nap.

---

2:30pm 

Woke up from nap with random anxiety spike. No other stimulus other than being too hot. Plan is to do a mail run and go to the cafe next door for free wifi and a spot to work. Stuck to it even though brain fray said "go to 99 cent store". Feels good to do something I planned to do at the time I planned to do it. Changing everything one step at a time. Stuck to plan and ordered water, a single cheeseburger lettuce wrap, and swapped the fries for broccoli. Waitress brought the burger with the bun... but got the broccoli right. I took a bite of the bun. Realized I have no willpower to not eat the bun...and took the bun off my plate, stuck it in the creamer bowl and put it on the wait station for the waitress. Got some odd looks for that. I said "I am really really trying". The other waitress was nice and said "My daughter is really trying too. She gets the lettuce wrap also."

Original plan was to do computer work here, but the new waitress was really frustrating and I just wanted out. 

Went to market for balance of "2h outside the house" per OT instructions. Just got enough for tonight's dinner. Costco run later this week.

---

5PM

Extreme heat today. Hit the wall, physically and can't keep going. Took a break to log here and work on vision board for patio. Goal is to only spend like $50 over the next couple of months on potting soil and just use containers from the house to start seeds. Drill holes in the bottom, etc. To make it an attractive place to sit, I'll have to layer in some kind of art on the walls while the plants grow. Maybe throw another $30 at a box of air plant babies off Etsy for wall art.

Mom bought tons of gardening stuff about 10 years ago and never set anything up. Except for art, all I really need is dirt.

---

6:20 PM

Made dinner and ate with parents. Trying to boost mom's morale so I made healthy chinese takeout food. Used rotisserie chicken for a chinese stir fry over ramen noodles and egg rolls. I had like 1/4 packet of ramen and filled in the rest with bean sprouts.

Also packed all the chili for tomorrow and put it away and did another round of dishes. 

I HAVE MADE PHENOMENAL TURKEY CHILI!!!!!

---

7:40 PM

It is cool enough out to think now. I should really walk my dog, but I should accomplish one personal task.

---

Got distracted by a dude on JustOKcupid. He is a puppeteer and sounds nice. He also recently got into decent shape and "normal" range. He likes running and wants to try camping. Could be fun.

Decided that my 1 personal task for tonight is to solve the mystery of getting data off my iphone 6 so I can get it to work as more than just a phone. The 00s called and they want their crappy Blackberries back. Found a tool called Anytrans that promises to help you sync data across multiple phones, laptops, storage accounts, etc. Genius. Will have to check it out when I am awake in the AM.

---

9:10 PM

Walked dog. Fed dog. Pet dog. Good dog.

Ate leftover stir fry

Another shower. Another Gogurt.

Tried to figure out calorie count on cronometer. Not sure how... but I ate SO MUCH and am still in my target calorie deficit. I shoot for -250 a day, roughly.

---

10:50 PM 

Took sleep meds. Should have taken them at 8:30 but a dude distracted me. With puppets!

My dog has been peaceful at my feet all day so I can tell she can tell I am bummed. No texts from prince charming today. I texted him thank you yesterday. Haven't heard from him since his polite reply back last night. I can't tell if I am rejecting myself on his behalf so he doesn't have to reject me... or if I actually got rejected. It is a fine line between being realistic and creating a negative energy that creates the situation you are trying to avoid... so I am putting that energy here and walking away from it. Instead I will just go back to work on my vision board and focus on all the things I do want in my life.

It took me forever to fall asleep last night so I just got out of bed, did a chore, then tried to go back to bed. Repeated until about 3am... so 7h. I think Took my fitbit off so I could stop obsessing about sleep. No idea what time I woke up. 8? I actually haven't had enough calories yet today. I'd go out and eat something but I am better off waiting for church first and then heading with my dog to the brewery. So maybe I will solve both and settle myself by making turkey chili in the instant pot. My parents say no more ground turkey but I bought 4 flats on sale and I like it just fine.

Services tonight. Part of my vision board includes being part of the community that way. Maybe I should just go work on my vision board while the chili cooks. It's really helping me focus my wardrobe. I have a church outfit that is dressy and appropriate without a sweaty existential crisis and I know what to pack for dog sitting. I can even practice pack to make sure it all fits in 1 bag.

----

I must really be bummed today because it is almost 11 at night and my dog is still keeping me company. I never get this much attention from her. Or maybe it is a reward for scrubbing her patio with simple green. It was a little overdue.

I also made it to services today. I had no emotional connection to the sermon but I picked up a couple of thoughts for the week which is all that I ask.

Super restless tonight. Plus my neck aches. Can't focus.

It is going to be hot tomorrow. But i have an outfit set out, my box is packed to work on, I picked up the living room and kitchen, i putmeds and water by my bed and set my alarm. My yoga bag is ready. I can wake up and change everything one step at a time first thing tomorrow morning.

Had a fun time this morning with OKC Prince Charming. I'll take bets on whether or not I hear from him again... I liked him a lot but I'm not sure he was into me. I think he enjoyed our conversation, is looking for someone like me (independent, age-appropriate, no kids, similar interests) but in a hotter (skinnier, bigger boobs, "higher maintenance" with the makeup and hair, more of a reformed dress-over-the-head party girl) to go with his rock and roll lifestyle. He showed up on a fancy Harley Davidson motorcycle with all the bling and tattoos to boot. His profile showed him mostly outdoors and with his dogs... laid back CA guy. I didn't expect him to be quite so status-conscious... He pays more attention to people, brands, styles and trends than I do. Still, he does massively go against type in some respects. We talked about future adventures, favorite trails, destinations, cooking, gardening, music, favorite shows on Netflix (more in common than I would have thought), astronomy... We even had the same coffee order. Regular, iced, with half and half. Honestly, even if he doesn't want to date me I'd still want to hang out.  He seemed to appreciate the brownies I brought.

And I thought I looked fantastic in my beach outfit. I have to get a photo of my dress. It is better than the one I posted... More tailoring and more flattering. I thought I had found a photo of it online but mine is much better. If I had to exist as a ghost wearing the same thing every day, this is the outfit I'd want to be wearing... Cold wouldn't bug me, right?

Next packing challenge is to get ready for dog-sitting weekend after next. One bag! I can do it.

Tomorrow I want to conquer adulting tasks and show up for church at 5pm. Grr. Get after it.

225.9... Have to start tracking calories again. Asked Conometer if I can get a beta account to use their time stamping feature pre-release. So frustrating.

Found perfect location for the K9 meetup to do dog walks and beers 2x a month... a brewery taproom tucked away in an industrial area behind a grocery store and across from a park gate that eventually outputs to a neighborhood. We can meet across the street at the gate to the park, walk and socialize our dogs, then go back across the street for beers. We can bring a snack or order pizza since they don't serve dinner. If your dog isn't quite housebroken yet, you can bring a camp chair and sit outside, but no beers outside. Lots of parking. Mellow atmosphere. Good people.

Found this place while surveying spots with my camping friend and her dogs... which meant a super long walk... almost 20,000 steps. When I got home last night I was starving and really dug into the paleo granola after dinner. I was so hungry! My ancient dog held up for the walk but was out like a light on my bed as soon as we hit the door. I watched Netflix till my outdoor timer flipped it off. I passed out too. At some point my dog bailed on me to sleep by my dad. She's spending most of her time with him now. This defies logic because he doesn't feed her, walk her, buy her expensive CBD oil treats, take her places, let her sleep in his bed, etc. He mstly steps on her and yells at her and tells me to lock her in the bathroom.

While cleaning up yesterday I found a slightly too tight but otherwise serviceable straw hat WITH a lariat to keep it on in wind! My mom must have bought it because it is a medium (SHE did not get the giant feet, head, hands and height of our Norwegian ancestors), cheap, not packable, itchy, smells funny, and is hideous. And according to Ebay... still available for purchase if you would like a sensory nightmare of your very own. However... It does keep the sun off! For free! Just in time to go to the beach tomorrow. I feel like Cinderella... Why yes you CAN go to the ball! Bippity boppity boo!

Prince Charming is  a dude off JustOKcupid. 47, on the opposite side of town. Has 2 4x4 vehicles but does not go offroading (thbbbbbbt). No kids, 2 dogs (labs). Also an LA native, same height as me. We're meeting up at a bar by the beach about 9am. So far he is keeping it friendly but polite and I am massively looking forward to it.