The dogs were so tired after their big nightlife excursion to the park and the brewery they went right to bed. I was even able to herd the puppy to his crate and push him in there, where he promptly passed out and snored away. No whining or objections. My dog passed out as soon as I put our bed together on the couch and there was no fussing about her leaky butt staying on her rubber-backed travel bed. She was out where she was planted. And so was I. The puppy was good but took a lot of convincing every step of the way and had zero faith in me.

---

Molly came and hung out and we took the dogs brewery hopping. The puppy has this cafe and brewery thing down now after watching my dog and he just finds love or flops over and chills.

This dog is a total dude magnet. Guys love a big, lovable, friendly bulldog. Ugh that's what my mistake was. I should have always had two dogs. One needs to be a dude magnet.

---

10pm and so much to do before tomorrow! I need to pack up my stuff to leave at 8ish... make up raw meat so I can take it home in the cooler... clean everything... read my mail... do homework... sleep.. maybe I will take my dog back to the brewery with free wifi after I leave tomorrow am and do homework.

Do I go find a campsite after??? Hmmm.

---

8:30 am big breakfast while waiting for my meds to kick in. Yogurt and blueberries, 1 paleo pancake in butter, 3 scrambled eggs, 1 pint of protein ice cream, stevia orange drink. I just ate whatever I could put in me fast this morning I was so hungry.

2pm - greek yogurt, 1 cup blueberries, granola.

3pm - guac packet 3 seed crackers almond

Beers w molly

Several slices of awesome pizza.

1/2 a container of protein ice cream

Everything hurts and I'm dying, lol. Cancelled the barre workout class this morning because I woke up cold, achey, sweaty, and all screwed up from allergies+omg-I-haven't-worked-out-in-forever. I think the heat must not have been used here for a long tome and turning it on released something. Coffee and a hot epsom salt bath helped me move again and feel clear... but I am going slow. Took me like 3 hours to go through the food I brought, toss what's gone bad, and set it up to be easy to grab and cook for 1. After lunch I straightened out the clothes I packed. Thrn I chased the dogs around the yard for an hour. Then I just had to lay down for an hour. I don't feel like I did much today so far but I have done all I can.

---

Pet store run. 3 big bags of cbd oil treats for my dog, and a big bottle of Nature's Miracle to soak a couch cushion theor dog peed on after I left and before they got home. Now to completely empty out my car so I can get the puppy's crate in to go to the park. A tired puppy is a good puppy.

---

Okcupid date with the dogs at a brewery. Puppy was mostly well behaved... for his first time out and about. Date was good-looking but aafter talking to him for a while I felt bad for his dogs... he has 2 big black german shepherds who live in the yard and are untrained. They don't get to go for walks or trips and this dude is a teacher and in really good shape! He runs marathons but he doesn't take his dogs out??? He says they are too wild to take out. They would be barking and all over the place... not if you take them out dumbass!

---

6 - oatmeal coffee half n half

9 - skipped

12 - homemade burrito bowl w salad, diet come

2 - omg I need chocolate attack during nap time.

3 - skipped

*4:30 - double cheese burger lettuce wrap, diet coke. Theory is burgers and caffeine relieve soreness.

8:30 1/2 a beer

10pm - frozen pizza - digornos thin and crispy

First interview of the week was a pass without reason or feedback. Ugh.

Up dog sitting again. Super tired. Got only 4h of sleep and had to fix two flat tires this morning... oi.. Booked a workout today at a fitness studio using class pass and I am super beat. Nap time then homework.

----

My body is a cranky toddler that wants to skip working out and order a pizza. And I'm starving!!!!!!!

----

Compromise... I will go to the workout and then hit food4less and pickup my beloved jacks pizzas that I crave night and day. I can do this. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.

It's amazing how not wanting to lose class pass credits is making me go to the class tonight.

Focusing on how good it will feel to take a hot bath with lavender epsom salts after.

Why am I biologically unable to nap?

----

Went to class so I get a pizza. Tomorrow I have a barre class at 9am. Then I get another pizza. And a date off okcupid.

Got back in touch with online shrink. Buying one phone call with her next week to get a lead on getting unstuck.

----

In bed: 1am

Up: 4:30am... Coffee, half n half

Exercise: walked 2 doggies. They liked that.

10am - burrito bowl... black beans/potatoes, brown rice, shredded cheese

9 dark chocolate peanut butter cups.

1.5 cheese sticks and some 3 seed sweet potato crackers

1 protein cookie

2 hersheys kisses w almonds

1 digornos thin and crispy pepperoni pizza

1 hansens gingerale

1/3 of a chicken quesedilla I bought my dog but it was insane and I shared it with her.

Classpass is offering free trials this week. I've been wanting to sign up but was shy because you can't see what businesses are in there in your area first! This is a way better option than 24 hour fitness. The yelp reviews for the one near me are scary... and it sounds like the bathrooms are gross all the time... not a good option to shower after. Planet Fitness did a better job cleaning up regularly but even they couldn't get all the hair off the shower curtains. Gag. Equinox did a great job but didn't offer evening hours till 11.

Hope! A dose of hope! And a shot at looking good in that swimwear I just bought. Also, looks like Lands End has tall size rashguards but no 1 piece paddle suits.

And I really need the hope. Haven't heard back on any of the interview tests I sent out and it's eating at me. And for some reason my mom trying to be nice to me and take me for food because she flipped out made me really low and unfocused. I ended up watching tv till 3 and looking at funny posts on Instagram while eating everything that wasn't nailed down (2 more rolls, a box of dark chocolate blueberries) until I could just pass out. Set my alarm and got up on time though so I can get to bed on time.

Intent for the day is to tackle homework for class.

---

Laid too much out on UDG today by text. He was bringing up the possibility of hooking up a bit and I shut it down last night because the very thought of him having a heart attack or stroke en flagrante terrifies me. But I felt bad about it today so I sent too many texts. "It has nothing to do with someone not being good enough or not being a match. We both have too much **** to work on right now to start anything. I need to get a job, my own place, and get my weight down below 180 to reduce my risk of a heart attack or stroke (that also means no hormonal birth control because the pill for women who are over 165 was raising my blood pressure so high I was sick. That's 65 lbs away) before I can date anyone. I'd love kids but my health is **** and my finances are **** and I am trapped with my crazy hoarder parents. I can't risk an accidental pregnancy and bring a kid into that. I shouldn't have been on the dating sites but I was lonely. I've got to get my head out of my ass over my ex. I was "prey" and how much I beat myself up over it everyday and how much my confidence in my ability to make good choices really affects my ability to interview well and makes me so sad I stay up late and eat my feelings... so I'm struggling to follow the challenge and doing things that aren't supporting that goal at the same time. The online therapist wasn't really effective for that... she just didn't really get the "chump" factor. DA helps get some things straight but isn't a good place to talk about that... I tried getting in touch with my ex... but I didn't get the answers I wanted and he wanted me to come to his boat so that didn't work out. I just don't know the next steps to unblock myself." There was more but that was the crux.

Too much. I hope he doesn't stop talking to me. I am running out of friends.

2pm. Took 5h to get my head together but there we go. Thank you DD for being the place to dump my chaos and get to productive.

---

Signed up for the class pass trial and booked a bunch of classes up where I will be dog sitting. This is really cool! I also downloaded a Food tracker app called Wholesome that tracks micronutrients. Not all of them though (caffeine), and not ingredients like sucralose

---

Part of a cup of coffee. Oatmeal

Another slow start day, this time on purpose. I didn't feel well yesterday so I didn't set an alarm and just slept in today. I slept 14h which I only do when I am catching a cold and I feel a lot better if still foggy. Tonight is homework night. Back to the cigar bar. No kids or whiny women. Usually a game on.

----

Have to get stuff back to recruiter. Dog keeps pacing and rattling baby gates and pawing at doors. Dad keeps asking to go out.

---

5:30pm. Parents are out and I have just finished my interview test for another gig. This time they wanted to see a sample user story. I faked ne up for a fictional food logging product where you can assign the benefits you expect to get from eating this food when you add it to your food log (like energy, focus, mood). I'd actually like to build that.

---

Old Navy swimwear finally arrived and ust in time! I could use a tall size in this rashguard too (the arms are too short) BUT a size L in everything fits me just fine and it is a huge morale boost to not expect to fight with my swimsuit in the pool. YAY!

I can't remember the last time I wore a swimsuit that didn't have multiple X's.

I ordered the underwire style and I am tempted to order more because they would make seriously comfy summer bras, no sag.

----

Mom wants to take me to dinner tomorrow to apologize for the 3 hour freak out yesterday. I said it's ok... I still have homework and I am exhausted. She was like how about tomorrow? I was like still probably have homework. For some reason her wanting to take me for dinner makes me feel very very tired.

----

B: breakfast of the fat, lazy, and under the weather... choc froyo w dark choc cherries on top. How did I eat a whole container of choc cherries in 3 days?

1pm lunch - homemade burrito bowls. beans, rice, potatoes, cheese, sour cream, salsa veg

S: More froyo.

S: The oatmeal I should have had this morning.

D: 2 chicken thighs, yam w butter,

S: roll and butter, coffee, half n half

S: dark chocolate covered blueberries

Craaaaazy... I just entered all of that on Myplate and I still have 467 cal left?

Starting my post over today. A little under the weather today. In a bit of conflict because I vacumed my moms room. Also I am a little low becaus eI have to back out of helping a friend get to an MRI. She booked an appointment for the weekend I am dog sitting and I can't get back to drive her because I can't get the dogs covered that Sunday.

---

Attacked the middle bedroom today and cleared that closet (mostly). Made a big mess of the dining room and living room, but first step in getting out of the living room has been taken. I figure I'll just keep pulling stuff out everytime they leave the house and putting my stuff in until there's just a big pile of stuff in the living room and my bed is in the bedroom. Fingers crossed.

Found a black suit size 16 from when I graduated college in 2000. I will try it on after a shower and see if it fits. So exciting.

---

I have a real closet now and I celebrated with an epsom salt bath for aches and pains. I also set out my breakfast and packed my bag for tomorrow. I deserve a fabulous breakfast out and a spot to attack paperwork.

---

B: oatmeal, coffee

S: bag of chicken wings from trader joes

L: half a pizza

S: frozen yogurt

S: 1/4 of a pizza

S: 2 corn tortilla quesedilla, stevia lemonade

(Lots of stress eating here... and because I haven't meal prepped for a couple of weeks... glad I moved the tv to the kitchen so I am less tempted to sit and space out... this way I only get to watch tv if I am cooking or standing up and eating. Mom is not happy about this. Also not working out. Thinking about a 24hour fitness membership. Space and a place to go to work out.)

So interview test is done and sent out. I did the best I could. They wanted to see old work and that wasn't possible because I just don't hang on to past work anymore. I did a writeup on thejoin flow to happy first experience for one of their brands and then included a template for figuring out what the ROI for revenue would be. It's all I could do and it ran almost 50 pages... but I followed the format they gave us at the product management class I took and I hope it was enough to move to the next round at least.

And most importantly I remembered to tell the recruiter this morning that I was on track to deliver at the scheduled time or shortly before it. And even more importantly I sent it out an hour before I said I would so it had time to be there on time for the recruiter to send it out.

In order to accomplish this, I had to ignore my dad's ranting and raging last night till 3am and his fuming and attempt to start again this morning. It's so mean I know but Starbucks wasn't going to work I got up too late to shower and dress and still make the cutoff. And you can't say Dad I have to finish this test... I need a job and have him table it... he won't stop and take a step back. He just says I don't care, you ruin everything and make everyone miserable and I want ________ to happen so do it now. With the microwave he was after me to help him or fix it. With my old tea kettle it was constant "This isn't turning off by itself anymore, why isn't it turning off" 3-4 times a day. And replacing both so I could try to get my work done on time... worked??? It was hell but I got it done.

They went out, I think to buy a microwave my dad likes better. Mazeltov. I'm dying my roots and taking a shower and finding something to eat. Then I will walk my dog and if they aren't home yet I will see if I can move that file cabinet out to the living room.

One foot forward. Dog responsibilities. Hair, nails, teeth bleach, pedicure. Gym, tan, laundry. Mail, budget, spending, legal. One foot in front of the other.

Mantra: I will be consistent even when I am tired.

---

B: oatmeal, coffee, half and half.

L: black bean/brown rice/cheese/sour cream burrito bowl

Skipped all meals till 4:30. Just nose to grindstone.

A ridiculous amount of frozen yogurt.

225.5. Normal weight fluctuation. Scale moving in the right direction though...

Woke up at 7, skipped church to clean the kitchen so I don't have any accidental $30 food days this week and then got to lunch with friends at 1. Then I headed out to Costco to replace the microwave (I have lost 12 hours in 3 days to the stupid broken microwave drama and this morning was a nightmare. Both my parents were complaining and barking at me while I was cleaning up for 4h... AAAAAUGH SERENITY NOW). It's 4:30 and I am chilling at Starbuks and working on my interview test.

Today I risked the weight loss speed vs how soon I need it game and bought a paddle suit in a size L (think a one piece swimsuit to wear over your two piece with long sleeves as a rashguard that won't ride up). Not totally sold on it because there's no hood and it's not a bright color (safety)... but it was $40 and you have to just grab it when you see something at Costco and return it later. 

---

Crazy lady at starbucks ended my time at that workspace. They were open till 12 but I had to bail at 7:30. Aaargh

---

Ruined my purchase of the new bathroom faucet microwave and electric kettle by saying when my mom asked me "Why did you buy that? It's a waste of money!" that "Dad keeps complaining that they don't work and I don't know how or have rhe bandwidth to fix them and I can't listen to it anymore." My dad got really upset and said that I steal all good feeling and just make him miserable. Got yelled at for a good 30 min by my dad. UGH.

---

Yep, it's war. Dad is going to make me absolutely miserable until something major happens and he switches back to my mom. I am feeling that cbd oil for people i saw online. I'm running away and never coming home again.

---

Dad kept me up till 3 am hounding me about the microwave. I finally had to wake up my mom and ask her to run interference for me so I could sleep and wake up to finish the interview test.

---

B: Too much fro yo, orange drink

S: piece of string cheese. apple slices

L;  burger lettuce wrap, sweet potato fries, coffee halfn half

S: Starbucks brownie, moral support :-)

S: 4 chicken tenders from food4less deli. Saved the rest for my pup.

D: Turkey bacon sandwich at starbucks. Earl grey rea w half n half, cake pop.

S: i kind of forget what I ate after I got home. I think it was two cheese sticks. Then after my dad woke me up I went and got frozen yogurt. Why is there so much peace of mind at the bottom of frozen yogurt?

Helping instructor get class back on track after throwing him to the wolves with his boss and the EDD. Forcing him to do a 5 hour class and also to take breaks... I am glad I packed double food. He is diabetic with an A1C of 7.5 that has been 9 and higher and his plan was to order a pizza for lunch. Sugar crash for sure. I packed a bunch of snacks for the class because I felt like an ****, then decided not to bring them in because I have nothing to apologize for... but am super glad I did because he just doesn't have the physical endurance to teach a class for 5 hours.

Poor guy. I'm going to make him do the job he is being paid for, but I'll help him do it as much as I can.

---

Oh the joys of having to force an instructor to do his ****ing job! He actually said he doesn't want this job! Asking for a different instructor to finish the class. I had to hand hold him the whole way through writing up a course outline, and then actually complete the lesson today and he bailed an hour and a half early. We only did a 20 min break for lunch and he thought that was too long and if I hadn't forced him to break by standing up and leaving to go to the bathroom, he wouldn't have done it.

And It was hearbreaking because I can tell he's got diabetic brain fog setting in.

---

B- oatmeal without the chia/hemp/ flax mix in because I am out, frozen yogurt with dark chocolate coconut chips. Holy **** that's good. Had two bowls.

S: mcdonalds sugar free coffee, egg white sausage bowl

S: hummus, carrots, 2 hard boiled eggs

S: hummus, carrots, water

L: baja salad bag, turkey, cheese stick

S: sugar free vanilla latte, strawberry rhubarb mini muffin from us foods

S: bag of honey roasted peanuts. Yum

Ms: 1/2 cup mac n cheese, 1 cheese stick, sweet potato crackers

Today was sooo fubar. Ack. So tired... and the microwave not working stole 2h of my time because my dad keeps bugging my mom about going out for a hamburger so she keeps bugging me and I should go out but I just can't because I'm sleep deprived and crampy. And my dad is mad at me because I ate the last of the frozen yogurt I BOUGHT.

SERENITY NOW

----

B: Coffee, half and half

S: denver omlete, cheese, diet coke

S: piece of toast w cottage cheese

L: Beans/Rice/potatoes/cheese/sour cream, avocado, diet coke

S: frozen yogurt

D: Mac n cheese, broccoli, tomato, turkey burger

Emotional and hormonal after dinner eating... Huge amounts of frozen yogurt. But at least shark week has come and I feel better. Omg. I have to have a serious discussion w God on the unfairness of hormones.