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happy-1 - Thursday Jun 06, 2019
(Slow Carb + Yoga. Track fasting sugar.)
Weight: 216.3

Another day in the hospital. Doing what I can to take care of myself here. I am putting one foot in front of the other a little bit every day. Went and got a healthy low carb breakfast and coffee. Asked at the front desk about the rumor that there are free yoga classes here last night. At least I am sleeping well.

I'm pretty sure the nurses think I'm nuts. I'm camped out here like I'm homeless. I brought in a cooler, a camp bed, a clothesline, and my gym bag. Mom's clothes to go home in are handwashed and drying in the bathroom. I eat, sleep, shower, and work on my laptop here. I make runs for supplies, to go to my own doctor's appointments (have stopped canceling them, I just need to go no matter what else is going on), and to check on my dad and my dog.

It's not going perfectly though. Today I missed a doctor who also didn't enter any notes so I can't catch up until they are entered. Mom keeps asking me to help her turn over and is angry if I don't get her into the perfect position straight off. Even with ear plugs in, I find the whole hospital environment mentally taxing and physically exhausting.

I am making some strides on getting myself in order. Yesterday I figured out the puzzle of the latest iphone update that wouldn't install and figured out how to get my todo list app to work with my Google calendar.

Hopefully I can make it to the free therapist and support group tonight. The support group is the only place I can go to socialize. Everyone there has something going on. 

Hope floats.

 

 

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 06/06/2019:
It sounds like you are making the best of a difficult situation....((HUGS))...

happy-1 on 06/07/2019:
Hugs! Thank you. If you say I am making the best of a difficult situation, I definitely am.


Horn_of_plenty on 06/07/2019:
It is a difficult situation at BCGG said, i'm glad you are able to also meet many of your needs.


Horn_of_plenty on 06/08/2019:
Sending you many virtual hugs ! !!!!

happy-1 on 06/09/2019:
Thank you for the hugs!


Donkey on 06/08/2019:
Thinking of you... Hospitals are indeed stressful. Noisy, lights, people everywhere, different smells...

Is your dad able to visit your mom?

happy-1 on 06/08/2019:
The amount of work it is to take my dad anywhere makes it impossible until I get back to yoga. My neck can't take the whole trip. He just requires too much equipment and he's carrying 150 extra pounds... I'm not as strong as I was in January.

It's a stressful environment, but less stressful than home. I just feel more tired here because I am getting to relax.



happy-1 - Wednesday Jun 05, 2019
(Slow Carb + Yoga. Track fasting sugar.)
Weight: 216.3

Week is blown up... had to take mom to the ER yesterday. After 9h there she was admitted and  is having a procedure done today to fix her brand new catheter. This is one of the less scary episodes but the whole journey is terrifying overall. She’s in the muscle wasting stage and her instructions are no feeding tubes or other artificial means of support. I’m really glad to be on here and have read the 4 Agreements because I have been doing my best every day since then and it makes it a lot easier to support my mom. I don’t have to save her or give her more time. I just have to do my best everyday to support her.

 

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Horn_Of_Plenty on 06/05/2019:
Wishing your mom comfort as she rides through this difficult phase. Stay strong Happy. I for one am in support of her choice of no feeding tubes. that's not a way to live, with a feeding tube.

happy-1 on 06/06/2019:
TY. Hugs. Going to be hard to watch though.


Donkey on 06/06/2019:
(((hugs))) ER visits suck. 9 hours???? That's really rough. I'm so sorry.

When do they say your mom can go home?

I'm glad to hear that the 4 Agreements are helping you in this situation.

happy-1 on 06/07/2019:
Saturday, if she doesn’t go to a nursing facility for rehab. I think she’s got about a month left. I can’t handle the prospect of being stuck alone with my dad. He won’t pay for care for her and is just running me into the ground.


BearCountryGG on 06/06/2019:
I'm hoping that your Mom and yourself and Dad are finding peace in the decisions your Mom is making.....My dad went on hospice and while it was hard on all of us...the acceptance did help us deal with things better. ((Hugs))



happy-1 - Tuesday Jun 04, 2019
(Slow Carb + Yoga. Track fasting sugar.)
Weight: 216.3

Did not get up and go to yoga today. Slept a ton of hours and woke up without the stomach bug, but got caught up in the gauntlet.

Binge ate yesterday. Stress and unhappiness and a little drama with my boyfriend being snappy. We're in a weird spot. Going into month 8, but we don't really talk much anymore. I've met his mom but none of his friends. He doesn't ever brng up future long term plans... but texts me everyday and works hard to be in my life, accepts my stress level, and is pretty suppportive while I go through a really rough part of my life. So... Weird, right? Trying to not overthink and enjoy it.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Donkey on 06/04/2019:
It really do be like that sometimes... I'm sorry, keep moving forward.

happy-1 on 06/04/2019:
Hugs, ty


Horn_of_plenty on 06/04/2019:
is your bf more of a one-on-one guy? does it get along best just one on one? otherwise, at least it's really nice he's rooting for you at this tough time :)

happy-1 on 06/04/2019:
Yeah, I'm pretty lucky!



happy-1 - Monday Jun 03, 2019
(Slow Carb + Yoga. Track fasting sugar.)
Weight: 216.3

220.0

It's been a bumpy road. Mom had a conversation with a home health nurse about switching to hospice today. Dad stilll refuses to pay for care. Today was supposed to be the start of me just leaving and going to yoga in the AM and not enabling that, but I woke up with a stomach bug. 

One foot in front of the other. At least weight is closer to plateau and A1C is down a little. Started logging calories in Cronometer again

Hugs.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Maria7 on 06/03/2019:
One day at a time...hang in there, Friend.

happy-1 on 06/03/2019:
TY. Big hugs.


Horn_of_plenty on 06/04/2019:
Well it's good to hear that you are taking care of your health :-)

Hopefully everyone will be on the same page regarding your mom soon :)


Donkey on 06/04/2019:
So good to hear from you, although I'm sorry to hear how difficult things have been and that your tummy was sick on top of it all. I hope you will be able to get out to yoga soon.

The hospice conversation can be a difficult one. I remember when my folks had that discussion for my step-father. As my mom explained it, it's a different approach to the care, focusing more on pain management and comfort. It was a feat comfort to them, but I think especially to my mom. She was able to get more help caring for papa, then...



happy-1 - Sunday May 12, 2019
(Slow Carb + Yoga. Track fasting sugar.)
Weight: 216.3

Missed yoga due to neck pain. Tried to get a haircut but it was too painful when she ran a comb through my hair  so I will try again on Thursday.  Instead, I went to a discount store and bought a bigger gym bag. I dunno if it makes logical sense to buy a gym bag because you missed yoga and your neck really hurts and your parents are dying and suffering a lot... but that’s what I did.

Part of the family fights from the last couple of days have been resolved by my parents agreeing to prepay for grocery requests and give me a $100 a week stipend towards other things like meds and groceries. I’ve been paying for all their incidental expenses and getting reimbursed for some but can’t anticipate my budget so this really helps me absorb it. Especially when I get asked to buy extras I don’t want to spend money on like $200 a week habits for juice and frozen dinners... yeah I was shocked at that much for Lean Cuisines too... but at 6 meals a day, 7 days a week... yep. $200.

So much to clean... work was never this much work ... but look at my awesome new gym bag... don’t you feel like going to the gym just looking at it?

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 05/12/2019:
Nice bag!


Horn_of_plenty on 05/13/2019:
Yes, it is a very nice gym bag indeed ;)

I'm glad you are sorting the budget more & starting to focus more on yourself too xo


Donkey on 05/13/2019:
Love the bag!!!


Maria7 on 05/13/2019:
It's gorgeous! Happy you are getting things settled and less to stress about. Good for you!



happy-1 - Saturday May 11, 2019
(Slow Carb + Yoga. Track fasting sugar.)
Weight: 216.3

222.4. Lost 4lbs. Still need to break my plateau but it is a relief to see things moving in the right direction.

Had to sneak out of the house at 5am and lurk in the parking garage till 7, but I made it to yoga and got cardio in. Feels like a guilty victory though. Had to shortchange mom on her morning and my dad on some rest and dignity. Dad is doing good things though... stuff is getting fixed. Plumbing, roof and electric.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 05/12/2019:
You need to do what makes care giving possible...if you burn out then that won't help any of you so I'm glad you had some extra time to yourself happy! The fact that your Dad is getting some things fixed around the house is a good sign....sounds like he has had somewhat of a wakeup call and that will keep him engaged. A good thing for all. Finding those little times of "you time" will help keep you doing what needs to be done. ((HUGS))

happy-1 on 05/12/2019:
hugs!


Donkey on 05/12/2019:
Try to shed some of that guilty. It's called self-preservation.


Horn_of_plenty on 05/12/2019:
I agree with Donkey! you did some things for yourself, GREAT!



happy-1 - Friday May 10, 2019
(Slow Carb + Yoga. Track fasting sugar.)
Weight: 216.3

ugh.

need to release some anger to drive to yoga safely. i tried to spend quality time with mom this morning which i don’t do enough and mom said something that really pushed my buttons.

anger start ——

the more I take care of my parents the more I hate them and the less I do for myself. every time someone tells me i am being a good daughter and that i am doing a good job i want to scream at them that they are wrong. i feel trapped in hell and want to go through the house and destroy every hoarded “treasure” with a baseball bat. i want to lock my parents in a room with a shrink until they come to their senses and take basic care of their health.

i adore my kickboxing boyfriend... but time with him isn’t downtime. he’s an amazing and awesome person and good to me but always tired and stressed, and weirdly deconditioned. He’s had 5 colds in the 6 months we’ve been dating, and a walk in the sunshine around a park dehydrates and exhausts him. i met his mom, but i don’t think he planned for that to happen. i haven’t met his friends even though they do stuff all the time. it leaves me with a general feeling of not being good enough to meet them that just makes me want to bail on him. it’s gotten to the point where i dodged hanging out with him this week because he went to disneyland on sunday with a bunch of his friends who all brought their girlfriends and wasn’t invited to his brothers graduation. to be fair, i’m not exactly presentable right now. i’m tired, stressed, and in terrible neck pain all the time. i look like a mess. he was horrified by my family when i had him over for help moving furniture. i’m super disorganized in my personal stuff because i can’t get enough time away from the house. i need a 5-7 day vacation, dental and doctors appointments, and a few laughs. 

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Maria7 on 05/10/2019:
They say that caregivers are so busy taking care of their loved ones that they neglect taking care of themselves. Being stressed out about the ones you are looking after drains you of your energy and can make you not even want to take care of yourself. I know as I have been a caregiver most of my life. I want to say it gets better, but it doesn't. That is why it is important to have time to yourself. Neglecting yourself just creates more problems to have to deal with in the long-run. It is hard to 'be at our best' when all our time is consumed with pressure to make sure our loved ones are being taken care of for their best. That is called sacrifice, when you give up your life to make sure someone else's life is well taken care of at the expense of your own. I don't have any advice, because I know all too well that passivity in taking care of ourselves creates a mode of depression that we may not even realize we have and makes us susceptible neglecting our own personal well being. But still, I want you to know that you are loved and hope you can work it out to get some help in taking care of your parents so you can take care of another important person on this planet...you.


BearCountryGG on 05/10/2019:
I have been where you are Happy...and it is unbielievably hard!!! I stayed at my parents for my Fathers last 5 weeks...caring for him, dealing with his catheter, taking him to the emergency room.. Cancer is a horrible thing to go through...watching the effects.....and after his passing I took care of my Mom for the next 7 1/2 years.......most of that time I kept an apartment nearby and called her at least twice a day and went there to take her places, make up her pill boxes ( she couldn't even do that)..pay her bills...etc.....my Mom had never written a check in her life. In fact she had never read a book from cover to cover in her life. At one point she admitted to the dr that she was suicidal...I moved in with her...( all on Christmas eve)...4 months later every time I talked to D on the phone all I could do was cry...she was actually driving me crazy......I went and got another apartment just to put some space between us...Caregiving is probably the hardest thing I have ever done.....i loved my parents...but the day to day care was emotionally exhausting....the actual physical care wasn't difficult...but the actual mental and emotional responsibility was the pits. You need to go ahead and put space between them and yourself regularly.......definately take time for you. I know exactly what you are going through and it truly was basically impossible....hang in there.....take time for you....(((HUGS)))


legcramps on 05/10/2019:
I cannot imagine how hard it must be for you right now, so instead i'll just send you hugs and thoughts so you know you are not alone and someone out there is thinking of you. Maria and BCGG have such great perceptions of this type of situation...I hope you will hear them and take the time you need for you.

Hugs.


horn_of_plenty on 05/10/2019:
feel better...perhaps your parents need more care than you can give...is there a nurse coming at all to help?

Disney is so expensive. i went for the roller coasters, but otherwise, i'd say it isn't worth it!


Donkey on 05/11/2019:
Like legcramps, I too cannot imagine how difficult this is for you. You've gotten some really good insights from some of the ladies here. You are not alone.

I hope you can find a better balance. Would it be possible for you to get more help with your parents, so that you have more than one day "off"?



happy-1 - Monday May 06, 2019
(Slow Carb + Yoga. Track fasting sugar.)
Weight: 216.3

Hugs. Fell off logging and fell off doing things for myself for my health and fitness. Funny how that works. But was up at 4:36AM. On my own, no alarm. I haven’t been to yoga in 11 days. Today I have a shot at it.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 05/07/2019:
it's not how often you fall but how fast you get back up! :)


Donkey on 05/07/2019:
Horn is absolutely right! Be kind to yourself. You've got a lot on your plate right now.

happy-1 on 05/10/2019:
hugs, ty



happy-1 - Tuesday Apr 23, 2019
(Slow Carb + Yoga. Track fasting sugar.)
Weight: 216.3

Binged again today. Ate taco chips because:

  • I had cramps and a headache
  • I had to come home early because I didn’t feel well and everything at the cafe was getting on my nerves. Every conversation I overheard was inane, sounds were annoying 
  • I miss having a life and friends 
  • I miss my guy, but he’s also been hard to spend time with lately. He’s under a lot of stress at work and it is taking its toll on him
  • I was desperate for something crunchy with salt
  • My laptop repair was thwarted again by a cheap screwdriver and I can’t get to my second brain. I can’t think without my calendar 
  • My mom is miserable from chemo and I can’t fix it and everything she says is horribly creepy. It’s the “chemo brain“
  • I am overwhelmed by all their stuff. How can people amass this much stuff???

Ironically, I am wearing my skinny jeans today... and my arms look way better. I also signed up for a gym I really like so I can do yoga there every day to strengthen my neck, reduce headaches and get back to work. Farewell Classpass. I also mostly ate healthy.

How I am getting my head out of my butt and back to “normal”:

  1. I took a Flexeril to kill the headache 
  2. I changed out of my street clothes and into comfy pjs
  3. I did a quick pickup of all the junk on my floor. I don’t know why but I create a mess in 2 min flat.
  4. I logged here. 
  5. I decided to go to bed early... like 8ish if I can. 

 

 

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 04/23/2019:
Great job losing 100.7! It's easy to overeat when we are stressed...I had a mini stress/ food episode today too.......It does make me wonder why food is a stress reliever...when we already know it will stress us out even more....Wish it wasn't all so difficult.

happy-1 on 04/23/2019:
“Food is complicated” as my nutritionist says... We’re dealing with the lizard brain.


BearCountryGG on 04/23/2019:
P.S. spent Sunday with a brother in law with chemo brain....it is a "thing"...he brings it up often and so does D's sister...she looks pained.....i swear it is as hard on the immediate family as it is the sick one.....Hang in there.

happy-1 on 04/23/2019:
This is why shows like “90 day fiancé” and others exist... get your mind off the horror


Horn_of_plenty on 04/24/2019:
you are doing great picking yourself back up. try to see about buyinng a few more healthy snacks / seltzers low cal things so when you get that munchy feeling, you don't have to eat chips only ;) despite it all, you are being very proactive and doing a good job, Happy!


Donkey on 04/24/2019:
Although it may not feel like it, I see you doing a remarkable job with coping with an extremely difficult situation.

(((hugs))(


BearCountryGG on 04/24/2019:
I like 90 day fiancee too.....it appears that for the most part they are self destructing though. Culture differences are a bear!


Maria7 on 05/02/2019:
You are amazing. Take time for you.



happy-1 - Tuesday Apr 23, 2019
(Slow Carb + Yoga. Track fasting sugar.)
Weight: 216.3

I binged yesterday... I had a giant chocolate chip cookie. Later I had chocolate almonds. Then before bed I had a trader joe’s frozen dinner.

I was at the cafe below my gym when I had the cookie. I ate the cookie because:

  1. I had already had second breakfast... coffee, half a wrap, quinoa, water, 16oz lentil soup... and I was still HUNGRY HUNGRY after a 2.5 hour workout. 
  2. I was going through mail and loose papers and getting anxious.
  3. I really, really wanted a fresh bakery cookie.
  4. My whole body hurts. That spill in the parking lot really banged me up.
  5. I am sad because I am so bruised up I look like mid-90s Courtney Love.
  6. I wanted to be in a pool in sunshine swimming, not a hospital cafeteria.
  7. I am having a hard time planning life goals and progress towards them right now because everything is sooooo complicated.

At least eating the cookie made it possible to go through paperwork and bust my hump till they closed at 2:30. That place is awesome. They have a takeaway fridge full of meals I can actually have and in quantities I can have them. Except nothing like 2 cups of broccoli to round out a meal so I ate the cookie because my stretch receptors weren’t happy.

I ate the chocolate almonds because I got home at about 4 and I was just exhausted. Like a dead fish. Plus the amount of work that drowns me the minute i pull into the driveway is enormous and overwhelming.

I ate the frozen dinner because I was still hungry after dinner. I made up what I had bought for Easter dinner... Salmon, green beans and sweet potatoes. I had a single serving but it didn’t “hold” and make me feel like I could go to sleep.

 

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 04/23/2019:
That spill in the parking lot sounds really painful! ((HUGS))

happy-1 on 04/23/2019:
It was. I cried and had a freak out on my guy. He took it all in stride.


legcramps on 04/23/2019:
I hope you are healing from your fall.

We all have our days where the cookie thing is just going to happen and THAT'S OK. We shouldn't make ourselves feel bad for having a treat no matter what the reason is. Yesterday, I was so overdone from the weekend that I took three naps and ate whatever I wanted. That's how it goes. I'm not going to worry about it, instead i'll just move forward and do my best today. Just like every day!

happy-1 on 04/23/2019:
Hugs. It’s a good attitude to have. I tipped from pre diabetic to diabetic though so those kinds of splurges need to wait for big hikes or days at Disneyland.

I got a cliff builder bar in peanut butter/chocolate instead of the cookie today though!


horn_of_plenty on 04/23/2019:
despite everything (and i hope you feel better after parking lot accident), you had a nice balanced dinner..keep on, you can do this.

maybe drink more water.



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