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happy-1 - Wednesday Jan 02, 2019
(Change everything every minute. All things thru C)
Weight: 216.3

No weigh in today, forgot.

A little stressed so I deleted the kickboxing instructor’s digital trail this morning so I don’t text or call and say/do anything dumb. A little frustrated because I can’t delete his number from google voice. Nothing bad happened, nobody had a fight... he’s just in a dark place, and although he texts every day, he’s all jumpy, restless, irritable, and I feel like an intrusion/imposition/jerk everytime I interact with him. The flip happened about a week before Christmas and it was kind of expected because he’s told me multiple times he has a really hard time with the holidays. Only makes it slightly easier to go through... I called Christmas Eve, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve since he was texting me (I was dog sitting and had had it set up for a couple of months and didn’t invite him because I only just met him) and it’s the weirdest feeling to talk to him. He has a hard time with depression during the holidays and it knocked me into “save the relationship “ mode which does the opposite so it’s better just to leave it alone and go on about my life without him, unless he makes an effort to be in it. I literally cannot do anything to fix it... just give it up to God and focus on other things. 

Currently sitting in my car across the street from my house under a tree. The Circus is in full swing today because my dad wants to go to Ralph’s and the post office and my mom won’t budge to take him. I woke up late at 8:30 am today and it is screwing me up because it is 11:15 and I am only now ready to go out and face the day... I got 1.5h of my parents drama while I ate, showered, cleaned the kitchen and washed dishes. My dad wants me to take him out. I am on a single-minded track to go to Starbucks and apply to 5 jobs. Nothing else matters. But I still feel bad for saying no.

Breathe. In. Out. Breathe.


Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 10.3 lbs to go!

legcramps on 01/02/2019:
I had a relationship like that, where we texted more than we actually talked face-to-face or over the phone. We literally talked on the phone like twice during our entire relationship, and that was only because I was driving in a snowstorm and freaking out about it!

I'd be interested to know why you feel like an intrusion when you interact with him? Is it something he is saying or doing that is making you feel that way, or are you over-thinking it?

Depression is tough, nevermind during the holidays. It's a good idea to give him some space to get through it. Hugs.

happy-1 on 01/02/2019:
His flip happened about a week before christmas when Waze failed to send the text that let him know I was on my way, so he just got my “here” text. I’d also just plain forgotten to do the same thing once. That combined with a few times where he texted me good morning about 9am and I didn’t get back to him till I took a break about 3pm. He basically took it as I didn’t really care about him anymore... And he said we don’t really talk anymore. We talked it through, figured out that Waze hadn’t sent it... just a bug. I explained that I mostly get up at 5am and then am out for the day. Sometimes I turn off my phone to avoid distractions while I am working on my app, or I am doing chores and away from my phone. I thought we were good. Following date for a movie he was jumpy and restless and I felt super awkward and unwelcome in his life... he’s just a little short with his words and answers all of a sudden. When I call he just says small talk platitudes and feel like the call was an intrusion.

horn_of_plenty on 01/02/2019:
sorry about kickboxing guy...but he's also a smoker right? so, i think it wasn't a "match made in heaven...."...i'm sorry if that was not a nice enough comment. but, he doesn't seem to be "exactly your type" so there will be another man :)

Donkey on 01/02/2019:
You gotta do what's right for you.

happy-1 - Monday Dec 31, 2018
(Change everything every minute. All things thru C)
Weight: 216.3


Size 10/M. Calves are 15.75... .25 from being able to buy real boots!

Will comment on everyone’s logs and catchup... but wanted to wish everyone a happy new year. 

  • I start the online bootcamp challenge again on the 1st. My neck is a lot better 
  • Still technically dating the kickboxing instructor and we will see what the new year will bring 
  • I am chugging along on my app. Did some basic UI work. Still needs user testing... Meh. Currently working on data conditioning and hygiene prior to breaking ground
  • I need to rebuild all my habits after being off track for 2 months 

Can’t sleep... 3am... have to leave for dog sitting tomorrow 

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 10.3 lbs to go!

graindart on 12/31/2018:
New year, new commitment to reaching whatever goals are important to you.

Donkey on 01/01/2019:
Happy New Year Happy! Dog-sitting is a wonderful way to start the new year :)

Horn_of_plenty on 01/01/2019:
Happy New Year to you too, Ms. Happy!!

Nice job on being a size 10! You did 100% great this year. Always getting back on track and eating healthier than when you started! nicely done!

Lots of positive things you mention that are in the works for this year. and i feel you on not sleeping. i've been off and on too. !!!

innerpeace on 01/07/2019:
Where are you? I hope you are ok.

happy-1 - Monday Dec 17, 2018
(Change everything every minute. All things thru C)
Weight: 216.3

Back on the horse after a 3 day food and tv marathon.   I just stayed up too late on fri night because my clock was pointing in the other direction and my outdoor timer was nudged to “off”... probably my mom while I was dog sitting. In any case... I got off track for three days and spent today making a checklist for my week so that everyday I can just check things off and give myself credit for the things I do pull off.

Kickboxing instructor wants to see me again on thursday. At least something is going my way. I swear the feeling of someone else being “there “ and liking me helped me get my mending done, struggle my dad’s enormous 1980s printer into the car, sort clothes for donations and storage, and otherwise kick myself in the butt to get back on track instead of losing a week to a sleep disruption- triggered self pity cycle. Need to do the things that will help me deserve him.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 10.3 lbs to go!

Donkey on 12/18/2018:
The question is, Do YOU want to see Mr. Kickboxer on Thursday?

graindart on 12/18/2018:
First day back after a binge-fest is always the most difficult for me. In the back of my mind I keep telling myself I should just go off the rails again for one more day and start new tomorrow...... Of course, that's how I've always gained back all my lost weight in the past.

So get back on the horse and get a string of successful days going.

horn_of_plenty on 12/18/2018:
Happy to see you are back in the game! and i like Donkey's question!

happy-1 - Thursday Dec 13, 2018
(Change everything every minute. All things thru C)
Weight: 216.3

Looking forward to a fun date with the kickboxing instructor! But I think my meal prep tray was a little off this morning... Tummy is not happy. I swear cooked eggs last 4 days but maybe not. Hopefully some tums will help me out. I am a pile of overwhelm because my tummy is in bad shape, I’m sweating, just walked my dog and couldn’t go all the way around tjhe block before I had to come back so she is mad... it is hot and bright outside and it requires organization to get it together to get out the door...  I was up at 6:30, it’s 12:30 and all I have accomplished is a pedicure, shower/dressed, eating, putting away dishes and walking my dog. I am watching a movie on amazon as background noise but I keep rewinding it... so it’s taking me 6h to watch one movie.

Breathe. You can do this!

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 10.3 lbs to go!

horn_of_plenty on 12/13/2018:
lol, i also ran outta cooked eggs so i actually have been enjoying eggs again for breakfast this week, cooked them at 6:45am this morning while getting ready LOL

let us know about how the date goes!!!!!!!!

happy-1 on 12/17/2018:
Date was fun! He is good company. I love eggs but I am off prepped ahead ones for a bit... Made sausage and pancakes this week instead.

graindart on 12/13/2018:
I'm the exact opposite with movies. Only takes me 30 minutes to watch one....... because I get bored and just walk away, never to finish it.

Donkey on 12/13/2018:
I'm more with Gains -- lose interest very easily, move on.

How was Monday's movie with Mr. Kickboxer?

Hope your tummy feels better soon. Tums is a miracle worker in my home too.

legcramps on 12/14/2018:
Regarding your post Sunday...oh man, if you only knew how many times I thought I botched it with BF! Sometimes things come out of my mouth that should NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY. I can't seem to help myself. Honestly, I can't even give you an example, that's how utterly awful it can get. He loves me anyways, not even in spite of it but BECAUSE I can be so off the wall. If kickboxing instructor likes you, he LIKES YOU, and whatever you do or say that you think might botch it up, he will take in stride or talk it out with you. YOU GOT THIS!

happy-1 - Sunday Dec 09, 2018
(Change everything every minute. All things thru C)
Weight: 216.3

Anxious. I think I botched it with the kickboxing instructor. Only time will tell. I see him Monday for a movie. 

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 10.3 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 12/09/2018:
listen, you know how to meet men and have fun dating...so whatever happens, happens.

it can't be so bad if you still have a movie planned!

Donkey on 12/09/2018:
Only time will tell -- try not to push it but rather go with the flow.

happy-1 - Saturday Dec 08, 2018
(Change everything every minute. All things thru C)
Weight: 216.3

Have a case of cranky today. Just up a couple of pounds and didn’t get enough done this week and missed yoga last night because I was dehydrated and yoga today because I wasn’t getting moving fast enough. Also my hair isn’t falling into place like it was when I got it cut a month ago and my clothes feel messy. 

So just need to shake it off and walk my dog. Make things better. Work harder.

This was good on realigning when you are feeling overwhelmed... https://www.thecultivatedcareer.com/blog/overwhelmed-seven-strategies-to-help-you-realign

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 10.3 lbs to go!

Donkey on 12/08/2018:
The link was helpful!

Some days are just more cranky than others... Sometimes you can rescue the day, sometimes it's better to go to bed early.

graindart on 12/08/2018:
My lack of sleep last night has made me more irritable with any family interaction today. I probably should've taken a nap today, but always feel like I'm wasting time by sleeping during the day.

Horn_of_plenty on 12/09/2018:
YES....shake it off! who sings that song, Taylor Swift!?

happy-1 - Wednesday Dec 05, 2018
(Change everything every minute. All things thru C)
Weight: 216.3


Proving that it is possible to date and lose weight at the same time if you date someone who doesn't try to pull you off track... and likes to do fun, healthy things like archery and dog walks/dog park. Also, does not complain if you pull meal prep trays and some drinks out of your cooler and cheerfully eats with you... because you have health goals and this is how you plan to achieve them and running to McDonalds would mean a much later movie. And is willing to eat kale, hummus, and other chick foods. Because a kickboxing instructor is basically a walking appetite and all food is good.

There are women on much weirder diets than "I pack a cooler and eat that".

I was getting super frustrated there for a bit... because I was eating on track, burning a lot of calories and nothing on the scale was moving at all... It basically laughed at me. But now I feel validated.

Also... as graindart would point out... I am past the 100lb mark. Not at the 206 I wanted to be by January, but close is good enough and I'm not going to make myself crazy over this. The weight is just a metric of other changes I am making in my life and is a result of those overall changes... not the other way around. This time last year I was 240lbs.

Today, I buy a new thermostat, do a quick grocery run, sit at Starbucks to do job applications and personal stuff, then go to yoga at 7:30pm.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 10.3 lbs to go!

horn_of_plenty on 12/05/2018:
the friend always has to buy "wide" shoes :(...much less of a selection!

wow....another 3lbs down! amazing!!

YES!...regarding dating someone that lets you be YOU! this is a goal of mine...previous semi-relationship i was in, i ate what i wanted, when i wanted...it was good. he wasn't a boyfriend, but it was a relationship of some kind. ...

yes, weight comes off as it wants to and it's best not to put a timeline or due date on when it should be gone by....i agree 100%!

happy-1 on 12/13/2018:
Hugs! You are doing great and “you” is fantastic!

graindart on 12/05/2018:
The closer I get to goal, the more frustrating the slower pace gets. It was a lot easier to stay on-track and be fully committed when I was seeing 10-15 lbs disappear every month.

Congratulations on passing the 100 lb mark. For me, it's both a triumph of accomplishment and also an embarrassment that I let myself get that far out of control. Thankfully it feels like a triumph 99% of the time and only embarrassing 1% of the time.

Donkey on 12/06/2018:
Logging in this morning just to congratulate you on your loss!!!! Keep up the good work!!!

happy-1 - Tuesday Dec 04, 2018
(Change everything every minute. All things thru C)
Weight: 219.1

Took measurements on Monday and crunched them... Although my weight hasn't changed I lost a bunch of bodyfat... which explains the super weird photo... Yes... compared to past photos, my legs are weirdly skinny and my middle must look bigger by comparison... BECAUSE I LOST 3" OFF MY CALVES!!!! OMG! I CAN BUY REAL BOOTS!

For anyone who does not know... shoe manufacturers do not make real outdoor or work quality knee high boots for wide calves. Even when they are leather it is still fashion quality... which means they aren't as comfortable and can't be re-soled or repaired. It also means it is harder to walk any distance in them. 

So happy...

Progress as of today: 97.9 lbs lost so far, only 13.1 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 12/04/2018:
i have a coworker who has thick feet and legs and always has such trouble finding shoes....i always feel bad for her...she's not even out of shape, just her body. must have been so annoying for you!

congrats on losing so many inches on your calves!!!!!!!!! amazing!!!

happy-1 on 12/05/2018:
Right? She can always buy wide-calf and have them taken in... but the quality is the issue. Another .25 inches and I can buy Fryes.

Donkey on 12/05/2018:
As someone with thick calves and cankles, I applaud your progress wholeheartedly!

happy-1 on 12/05/2018:
I seriously doubt you have cankles.

graindart on 12/05/2018:
I've never taken measurements, but my scale does report bodyfat percentage. As long as one or the other is moving in the right direction I'm fine. Sometimes the scale drops some, other times the bodyfat % drops some.

happy-1 on 12/05/2018:
Supposedly those scale bodyfat readings are screwy and vary with levels of hydration... The tape measure is the only real way to measure.

happy-1 - Sunday Dec 02, 2018
(Change everything every minute. All things thru C)
Weight: 219.1

Discontent today.

It may be that I slept till 10 so I am trying to get ready to meet KI (kickboxing instructor) while my parents are up which means they keep getting in the way so I am losing time and have a lot of cleanup everytime I cross paths with them. They just make messes everytime I turn around. Have had to change outfits 3x and will need to handwash them later. 

It may be that I met friends of a friend for a birthday dinner and felt out of place. I don’t drink at all now and I have no flexibility for the occasional unhealthy treat and these ladies are as large as I was and it broke my heart to see them being unhealthy... but also made me feel isolated. It was also quietly terrifying... One of the ladies sitting next to me was too heavy for her chair. The metal of the chair fatigued and she took a bad fall... the kind you have to sue over because it may have really injured her. I had the feeling she’s diabetic with other health problems and I just fear for her. 

It may be that I look like a barrel. I had an odd photo with a friend on friday night and it looked like I had my head, arms and legs photoshopped onto a fatter body with no boobs. I took measurements this morning and discovered this is because I have lost inches off my neck, arms, boobs, and calves... but my tummy and hips are the same. This will change over the next couple of weeks but it feels unsexy today.

It may be that the house is still a mess.

It may be that I haven’t gotten anything done this week and feel anxious.

It may be that I just very badly want a massive steak, a real mani pedi, and a hug.

Progress as of today: 97.9 lbs lost so far, only 13.1 lbs to go!

Donkey on 12/02/2018:
I hear what you're saying. I can so relate, as I am experiencing a similar feeling of discontent today.

Photographs can lie, just sayin'... try to focus more on feeling good on the inside. Self-confidence is so sexy. I once met a man who was ... well, nothing to look at, if you take it a part.. but he was so self-confident that everyone wanted to be with him.

Have a good time with KI -- relax, enjoy, and live in the moment with him.

graindart on 12/02/2018:
"Discontent" is a good way to describe my mood lately too. Add "lazy" to that also. As in... I'm too lazy to do anything that would reverse my being discontent.

Horn_of_plenty on 12/02/2018:
you are doing great, i wouldn't start to be so negative if i were you about your body. sometimes it's the outfit which can make even a rail-thin person look fat or without nice curves. some dresses that i have worn in the past to a wedding had no stretch or design and when i was heavier, they just looked like a big rectangle, no curves at all, and the dress just looked HORRIBLE. and i wasn't even very "FAT"...lol i'm trying to say to keep your head up, don't go judging yourself after one photo.

good job not drinking, i don't love it either. just once in ahwile...like this coming thursday night at the work holiday party.

happy-1 - Thursday Nov 29, 2018
(Change everything every minute. All things thru C)
Weight: 219.1

It's raining! Hallelujah! Nothing lifts my mood like a rainy day. SO HAPPY. Everything that is bleak, dry, and parched is getting a drink of water... even my soul. 

I was super down this morning... had to cancel my OT appointment for today. I overslept (and always feel lousy when I do that). My neck was too stiff with the rain plus I need new tires for my car. Have been deferring maintenance because I thought I needed to do $4500 in repairs. Life just seemed overwhelming.

BUT then I got a good morning text from the hot kickboxing instructor and my spirits lifted. I gave my dog a cuddle, made some coffee, put on my big girl pants, and got it together. I bought a sleeve for my laptop, worked with support to fix my voicemail, listened to all my unanswered voicemail (only missed like 57 recruiter calls... no big deal... aack)... Cleaned out some of my email... Contacted nutritionist to restart my account... Researched car repairs and it may only run me $1,700... Life is possible.

Amazing how having someone "there" makes all the difference.

Progress as of today: 97.9 lbs lost so far, only 13.1 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 11/30/2018:
lol i cannot agree on rain bc i like to walk outside...but if i'm not needing to walk, i do not mind the rain either :)

that's a major difference in total price for the better, great job!!!!

Donkey on 11/30/2018:
Glad to hear that it ended up being a productive day anyway :)

legcramps on 11/30/2018:
Awe, i'm glad your day got turned around :)

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