Forgot to weigh in. Was up at 6 (alarm). Cruising on ibuprophen.

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Changed dental consults today. Just couldn't get over that nervous, sick feeling about going up to the one I was referred to. This one comes highly recommended from my old dentist and they use 3D Cone-Beam Imaging instead of x-rays. 3D Cone Beam imaging shows them the crack or split and how far down it goes, the abcesses and how they are spreading or burst, where all the roots are, if they curve, and how far down they go. This makes the process safer and cleaner and leaves less risk of post-treatment issues. The total amount is only $100 more including a permanent filling than the one I was referred to and I feel a lot calmer about the whole thing.

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Goal today is to get my car smogged.

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Car is smogged! Registration is paid! On time! No penalty! Happy day! I was so happy I gave my puppy cuddles and squishes for an hour while watching Agent Carter on Hulu. She put up with many insults to her person, no spot went un-rubbed, every inch was spooned. Much fur was released. No dog cuddles harder than an old dog. I gave up when she grumbled at me. Nap time for the puppy.

Celebratory dinner is chile rellenos (cheese stuffed), spanish rice, black beans and wilted greens. One of these days I will have to make horchata or a chia fresca. This is my first attempt. My dad really likes them and they are so cheap to make I have to give it a try. Dessert is a raspberry cobbler. Have to use up the raspberries in the freezer that have been there forever.

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3 grats: 1) that I saw my registration was due tomorrow and I got everything taken care of today. I can mail it in tomorrow am. 2) that i was able to get in tomorrow with the new dentist for tomorrow and the receptionist was nice. That the pain wasn't bad today or tonight. 3) That I managed to wake up eqrly and get my dog out for a walk before it started raining. 4) that i still have my parents with me and I get a chance to make things good for a bit.

Obstacles: pain, hunger, exhaustion, money, disorganization, old people, dog fur. CRAMPS!!!!!

Heroic vision for tomorrow: go to dentist. Get there on time. Look at programs to apply for while I wait.

Selfless act: hmmm... let's try taking on a new cheap recipe my dad likes and I can make every week. I think the ingredients for dinner were about $5 and there were 4ish servings. I also bought the groceries and did all the dishes.

Oh wait no... the lady in back of me at the dmv was wearing scrubs and pacing anxiously so I let her go in front of me. Almost forgot.

Does that mean I have a bonus to cover tomorrow ?

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B: 7am 2 pieces white toast, margerine, 2 eggs

S: skipped

L: box of mac n cheese w margerine

S: 2 glasses of hot tea with stevia and half and half. Some leftover brownie.

D: 2 chille rellenos, spanish rice, black beans, mozzarella, avocado, salsa

S: more tea with half n half, dessert didn't work as planned.

234.6 probably pms water retention since I am not eating much.

Got sooo much sleep and haven't had much in a week so I won't kick myself for waking up at 10 and taking a long time to get going. I couldn't do much until the codeine kicked in so I just watched tv and straightened up to keep my mind off the pain. Tidying, tidying, tidying.

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Today I walked up to the corner diner and am reading through all my mail. I hate paperwork so it piles up and stresses me out and creates needless chaos in my life. Tackling my paper tiger today though. Grrr. Get after it. I am sure it looks weird but I can't get any tasks done at home that requires a sustained period of focus. My parents or my dog always want something and then my focus is gone and nothing gets done. Plus it is clutter overwhelm. 

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Pushed it through to go to the DA meeting by me tonight. Nice folks. They had more literature and stuff than the one in LB so I spent $5 for some pamphlets. I think the luscious tall hot alpha bearded guy was checking me out???? A couple of sidelong looks???? No idea. Probably not as I had no hair or makeup and just schlepped over and I am dying of pain. Didn't stick around to talk to him as my tooth was saying "Get me home and give me whiskey now!!!!". I don't think this is a pond I want to fish in. Considering how scarce the meetings are, I don't want to not be able to go to the one nearest to home.

On the other hand I might have just looked half dead and he was making sure I wasn't about to die.

One of the ladies said that a dental school is a bad idea. They slipped and cut her tongue in half, then had to stitch it back together.

OMG.

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Dog is very confused as to why we still aren't sleeping in my big soft bed together. This thing where I am sleeping upright on the couch and she sleeps in her dog bed at my feet is very upsetting and I should stop it right now, silly human.

Sorry pup. I hate it too. Consultation tomorrow.

---- Bedtime meditation:

3 grats: 1) the people running the da meeting. Sounds like they have some challenges but are still trying to keep it going. 2) my dad for not giving me a hard time when he found out i had gone up to the diner alone. 3) my dog for eating as soon as I fed her tonight. 4) that tomorrow i can wake up and reapply for the scholarship. 5) that I have made it this far with the pain and can see a dentist tomorrow.

Fitness pride: I tried to not overeat despite how hungry I was. I walked. I relieved stress by going to da.

Obstacles: pain!!!!! Money. Clutter. Too many dishes.

Vision of success: i will go to get my car smogged and the dentist tomorrow.

Selfless act: I went into my mom's room and dug out all her dishes and washed them for her. We wash our own dishes and it is a rule I am normally a stickler about... but it was bedtime and it was my closest selfless act available.

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S: pbj on white with milk

B: skipped

L: spinach omlette with cheese

S: cottage cheese and fruit

S: part of a huge slice of carrot cake. Coffee with 6 creamers. Working on opening all my mail. Felt I deserved a second round to help me power through.

S: Part of a lemonade and a part of a bag of cheezitz.

D: 2 pieces white toast, butter, 2 poached eggs

233.2

Up at 2:30am with a toothache so I just stayed up. Second round of scholarship applications due to irregular scheduling at the university extension that will take a year to complete because one of the professors is out on leave. So normally takes 6 months but will take 1 year right now.

UGH.

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Yep. Program can't pass because it will go past 1 year. And I have a splitting headache I need to clear before I can tackle searching for one.

AAAAAAAAARGH.

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Bought a loaf of white bread... I know, I know... But it is all I can chew.

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Goal for today is to submit another training application.

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S: Glucerna, borrowed from mom.

B: 2 pieces of white bread, smart balance, 2 soft boiled eggs. 

S: milk, 2 pieces of white bread, smooth peanut butter, 1 packet jam no seeds

L: 2 more glucerna stolen from Mom. Have to buy her a case next week.

S: diet pepsi, box of mac n cheese. Nice nap and the comb killed the massive headache

D: pineapple juice

S: brownie

Bedtime meditation

3 grats: 1) my mom for the ride home from schol application. 2) my dog for eating right away, 3) my dad for doing dishes

Fit pride: i went to bed early last night. I didn't push it and came home after my meeting and most importantly did not drive while in pain or on codeine.

Obstacles: pain, clutter, money, stress

Visualize heroics: i will wake up early, walk for coffee and read mail.

Selfless act: I took my clothes out of the hall and gave my mom access to the hoarder room like she has been asking me for. Let's not split hairs as to whether that was a selfless act. My head is killing me and it was what I could come up with today.

Still home... teeth are killing me. I have however gotten a few things done around the house I have been putting off in an effort to keep my mind off the pain. Just a few projects here and there but each one gets me closer to feeling more together.

Missed the DA meeting on Friday and am sorry I didn't go. I need an injection of "get after it" and hearing stories of people who have turned things around made a big difference in my energy and focus. I was in too much pain to do the drive

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Super hot dude I met off OkCupid is back! Job didn't work out and he missed his friends and kids so he came back to the US. Super flattered he thought of me.

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Found a completely empty 4 drawer filing cabinet in my parents hoard... surrounded by boxes of paper.

Weigh: 230.6. Glad to see that all the junk I am eating due to pain, stress, and pms isn't going nuclear on my weight. It gives me hope. Fitbit says I got about 5h of sleep last night. More than I have had in days. I woke up almost pain free this morning. The antibiotics are starting to help and it almost feels like I have a real tooth again. My tummy is a bit of a mess. I don't know if it is the antibiotics or the teething gel but I just feel sick and acidic. Glad I stuck probiotics in my supplement packs this month.

Today is more putting my life in order tasks. I am staying put a but on purpose, a bit because of cash flow, but trying to see it as an opportunity to tackle tasks I haven't wanted to do. I am working the living room, dining room and kitchen like a grid for chaos and clutter... then throwing sheets over each "done" section I can't do anything else about right now and writing down distractions as they come to me so I don't get sidetracked.

I will conquer. I will overcome.

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Skip this part if you don't want to read a bummer story.

Had a rough time doing my selfless act today. I did the thing I really, really, really hate doing which is taking my dad grocery shopping. It means everything to him because he can't drive anymore Normally I hate it because we fight the whole way but it flipped on me. I was in way over my head. We started out ok but in the second stop he had a low blood sugar episode in the checkout line so I grabbed some m and ms, paid for his groceries, and while I was paying he just started hitting me with the cart and wedged me against the wall and rammed the cart through till he was free. Apparently he had to go to the bathroom and even with the m and m's he was crashing so hard it was like he was drunk. I had seen it before in private but this was my first time in public... and it was both scary and humiliating. I was really scattered, but I got him to subway for a sandwich. He was being really difficult and it took 3 hours to get him four blocks home. I compounded it by having a small meltdown on my mom when she said that she wasn't having any of the homemade turkey meatballs and marinara sauce I had set up in the slow cooker for dinner because she had eaten a bunch last night... a) they were raw, b)I had made dinner last night and she had already had 3 servings of chicken... and she is supposed to be on a low protein diet to protect her kidneys... but all I coul come up with at that moment was they were in the box in the fridge that she's not supposed to dip into because i am really up against it and managing my food/ med budget really tightly and if I don't watch the food I have to go back on more meds but the food is a little pricey and not easy to replace at the same price eating out ($1.25 a meal vs $10+ for a paleo meal in a restaurant). She got madder at me and because I was starving, in pain, and worn out it escalated.

The meatballs, no sugar homemade sauce, ricotta, spinach, edamame pasta, and squash were amazing. A little bummed that i had to put it up into single servings and then everyone just ate as they were ready, on their own.

End of bummer story.

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Ups and downs...

Downs... because when I called my dentist to ask for a refill on the codeine he tried to get me to move my root canal up. I was like... I need the time to get the money together. I haven't worked in a year and I have to move things around to pay for it. Plus they are charging more than the Delta pre-negotiated price... They want $1578 and the Delta price is $1399... and according to Delta their out of pocket is higher than other endodontists in the area so if I need to go back, it's going to be a lot more than the 50% coverage. He was like well you don't have to pay cash, you can put it on a credit card... I replied that regardless, I have to move things around to be able to pay for it, I haven't worked in a year, and I am really up against it. He said but you can put it on a credit card. I said I haven't worked in a year... It doesn't work that way for me right now. Humiliating to say. Just humiliating.

Ups... because I got a call back on my resume today from an ecommerce consultancy. It's a job that requires 50% travel, but that would be ok because it would mean that I could get out of LA and the LA basin and live somewhere green with good camping like the northern parts of Texas. Maybe they will call again. That would be nice.

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Working on the meal plan for UDG. It's good to do this expecting someone else to use it. Forces me to be clearer in presentation and it makes it a better basis for the meal planning app I want to build.

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Dudes on OKC be seriously whiney. I need to go back to FarmersOnly. He has a rent controlled apartment in Santa Monica and he doesn't know if he can bear to stay there after his dog dies... Plus I think he was trying to make me feel sorry for him so I'd have phone sex with him. NOT HOT.

AUGH.

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I HAVE SUCCESSFULLY FIXED MY DRIIVERSIDE CAR MIRROR MYSELF!!!!! BEHOLD THE POWER!!!!

The codeine super knocked me out... Slept till 12.  It is $1578 for a root canal and $1072 for a crown. $500 for a partial temp root canal... I don't even know if a temp is possible till Monday. I worry about anything "temp". What if there is an earthquake? Dental benefits don't start till July 1 for treatments... So I have to pay the whole amount for whatever I get done. 

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I forgot to say that Saturday I got the valentine from my ex. It was postmarked March 7... but it doesn't really matter when it was sent. That horrible little hole in my side is filled in and gone... Whenever the random thought "and he couldn't even send me a Valentine card" would run through my brain I would start crying. And now it isn't there anymore and I feel a lot better. I am seriously glad that I feel etter because if I had given him a ton of crap over it and then not felt better, I would feel like a jerk. I haven't heard from him since Sunday I think. I dunno if I will hear from him much in the coming months. I don't think he wants me as his actual girlfriend. I am just glad we are still talking a bit. It doesn't feel good to have things severed with someone who has been so important to you. I know I need to make more friends so that one person doesn't impact me so much, but that takes time.

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Reading through the DA literature. Some of it sounds like me, some of it I don't know what they are talking about, and some of it... I hope that doesn't become me. Not terribly sure what to do with all of it. I guess that's the point of going to the meetings... You work through it and the other people there tell you what the content means and help you relate to it. There are 4 books... but when I looked on Amazon they are $40 each!  I will wait and see if there are free pdfs available.

Parts that jump out at me is that I might have to turn around someday and be a sponsor. I can't even begin to imagine being that knowledgeable that I could help someone else with this. Also the people I have met are also in another group like AA/NA... Or they talk about buying shoes that are more than $200 and designer labels and that they could spend $20 at the deli just on their lunch. I don't know how to relate to people that do that.

A lot of it talks about self care and not taking proper care of your health or deferring medical and dental things... I think I have picked that up from my parents. It may also be how I gained so much weight... I didn't feel like I was one of those people that could afford to spend money on things that make you fit and healthy. 

I went to an OA meeting with my mom once. It was super weird and uncomfortable. I wonder how it differs from DA?

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Heard from Molly today. She deals with the worst scum of humanity for work and needs something to fill her soul back in. We both want to do gardening so we will check out a plant sale by her on Friday. Exciting!  Also we can use her jacuzzi.  I hope that the antibiotics take effect and I will be able to drive to go!  I can only stay till 5 or so.

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EDD accomplished. Such a tiny task but I have such a hard time with it.

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Bedtime meditation habit.

3 things I am grateful for today. My parents, for doing their best for me and each other, even if they don't know the path to health and happiness and cannot be a team themselves they always try to put themselves aside for me. Molly, for coming back into my life even just a little. She alwas tries to be there for me. UDG for calling me and giving me a boost to get active and start attacking the indomitable pile of crap that is my life. My dog for forgiving me for grabbing her wong last night when I was groggy. She loves me her doggy best.

Obstacles... PAIN. I am one pill away from a diy job with a plier. Can't workout. Money... Not financially oranized and paying the price. Fat... I just feel like I am wearing a big sweaty rubber suit all the time that won't let me bend and makes everything harder. Sleep... off my schedule because everything hurts.

Take pride in actively improving your fitness. I went for a dog walk this afternoon when I felt hopeless. I deliberately looked for a cheery outfit to do it in... a pink shirt, jeans, and some uggs. It really helped boost my mood. I did not eat anything off plan today and kept it to a single serving at dinner. UDG and I are going to work on meal planning and meal prepping together remotely by phone. Worth a shot.

Visualize how you will work heroically tomorrow. I will do projects that are essential to organization...

CAR - Fix the driver's side mirror, pop the center console and dig out the bulb that's out

KITCHEN - Fix the screen door

PATIO - Set up pots to receive the plants I will buy on Friday. Load car with basins and trolley.

Aaaaah. I have magically been transformed back into a human via antibiotics and tylenol with codeine. Although there is no real mental focus or attention span. It's like I might as well not have even taken my adderall. Also I forgot to put on pants when I went to walk my dog. I don't think the neighbors saw but I decided maybe no dog walk tonight. My dog is not happy.

Sucked it up and asked my mom to get my meds for me at CVS because there was no way I was going to pull off driving or a Lyft. I was just in so much pain. She wouldn't even take the $13 for them she paid... she says I spend too much on groceries. I felt bad until I realized she said that because she atemost of my meal preps for the week. Normally this wouldmakeme crazy but there was a lot of raw broccoli I couldn't have chewed. Sigh.

Didn't pull off edd stuff today. My brain is fried.

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Bedtime meditation habit.

I am grateful for my parents who went and picked up my meds, for my adhd meds that help me pay my premiums on time and for my dog who is not giving me a hard time. And for Kathy who offeered to bring me soup.

Obstacles. Dental pain, pain killers. Ow!

Heroic work tomorrow: edd stuff. Bar is low

Selfless act: I vacuumed my dad's room and cleaned his bathroom. Nobody asked me to and it wasn't on my schedule so it was selfless.

Teeth are absolutely killing me. Dentist says if it is a steady throbbing pain for 24h I need to go straight to an endodontist for an emergency root canal. He called in a pain killer for me but I couldn't last to pick it up and went straight to my bottle of dark rum that I reserve for making rum raisin bread pudding. My world consists of a hot water bottle, mybed, my dog and hatred for my neighbor and his new drum set. I will eat him first in the zombie apocalypse.  

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AAAAAW, my dog is my dedicated hot water bottle and refused to leave me to get her dinner.  I had to dislodge her and shuffle her into the kitchen so she would eat.

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As far as things accomplished... I scrubbed the tub and printed out my habit tracker. I set up my oatmeal to make up tubs tomorrow when I have slept and feel better. 

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Pete says he likes my first pass at his home page. Yay!

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Bedtime meditation...

3 things I am grateful for: Dentists who return phone calls on sundays to give you a referral and call in meds for you to pick up, that I saved some norco from my wisdom teeth, my mom for getting my dog to eat. That I don't have to go to work tomorrow and can just call the endodontist and not slug out a work day when my head is going to explode. That I had some rum. I do keep Vodka of the Gods in my car for emergencies but... GAG.

Obstacles:  PAIN. HORRIBLE PAIN.

Heroics for tomorrow: Call endodontist, certify for edd benefits. The bar is low.

Selfless act: None. I was a slug today.

Quiet rainy day. Massively overslept and woke up about 11 after going out to a rollerskating thing with the church group. All plans cancelled due to rain so I am taking the opportunity to just chill at home and reset today. Detox and destress. so far today I have tidied up, run a few errands. Now I will make dinner and work on paperwork while watching Hulu.  I'm going to focus on refining my habit builder routine and pushing through my routine /trackers starting Monday. Get to bed by 9pm.

Grrrr. Get after it.

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Splurged on a pair of flat sandals to go with dresses since my black sandals are on their last gasp. Had to make the minimum for free shpping so I also ordered a pair of crocs for use as camp shoes because my current crocs are mayjanes and don't protect the bridge of your foot and are also too small. I feel weird buying these when unemployed, but I also feel like I am falling apart.

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Gratitudes - 1) that i am whole, home and healthy and could put dinner on the table for my parents tonight. 2) that Krystal got back in touch, hung out last night, and is down to do a wine thing next week, 3) that the roof over my head is sound this rainy night, 4) that my nightmares last night that I became an un person and disappeared unrecognized by fam and friends wasn't real and I can change it

Obstacles: tooth pain and headaches - emailed dentist, mom giving me a really hard time - left the house today and will stay out tomorrow, exhaustion- probably dental, but will keep an eye on it

heroic battle tomorrow: get up early, weigh in, hit 99 cent store for bottled water.get to church, see if they do brunch, get coffee otherwise and work on stuff. No way it doesn't rain tomorrow too.