Forgot to weigh in... oops.

Really out of sorts this morning. I got weird calls from a friend I grew up with who had a TBI in college and is at home with her mom permanently. We made plans to get lunch I had to cancel last minute... I was up till 4 with dental pain adjacent to my crown and it hurts enough it's making me stupid. Overslept and by the time I was up, The Circus had started... but I am in too much pain/brain fog today to leave the house... I just can't focus on a single task because of stress this morning and pain and I don't want a ticket or fender bender... Driving is something I only do when I feel ok.

The biggest obstacle to my productivity is still my iphone not working and all my apps not being available. There's so much they do to help me... Hormonal levels, Fitbit for food... Spark for making food and journal posts, audible for books on tape to fall asleep to, spotify for music, waze for directions, i heart radio and Feedly for news... calendar... UGH!!! I just feel like half my brain is missing. The minimum to conquer today is to finish fixing my iPhone. Everything will be easier after that.

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Progress: Have sorted through my photos on my laptop. Now I just need to double check that no photos on my iphone are missing from my laptop.

Super weird sorting through all these old photos. I've always been so anxious and there are all these old photos of food that I made when I was on an Indian food obsession and determined to learn how to make great indain food. When I look at it now I think OMG... I put so much effort into eating the wrong things and I was making myself sick... I felt tired, cold, clammy, sweaty and weak all the time. But the photos and my old apartment are beautiful! My dog is happy! I had friends!!!!

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B - overnight oats

2nd breakfast - coffee, 3 creams, meal prep 2nd breakfast with egg cups.

Turns out overnight oats are probiotic. Who knew?

Woke up on time to make it to services. Did some errands and now I'm watching Fixer Upper while I do mousekeeping... I can't believe people are buying huge houses for under $100k. Augh, I'm in the wrong place.

I should have all my stuff sealed up in plastic and trapped by eod. Then I can start on my parents stuff tomorrow. 16.23 at Costco for 3 plastic boxes is kind of a lot when you realize how little fits in them. And how many you need... augh. Some of this stuff just has to go. Had a crazy hoarder moment with my mom today when ahe was trying to figure out how many plastic boxes were hers and how many were mine and which ones belong to her (none)... I said mom... when I leave this house I will no longer need any of them... You can have them all. And I could see in her eyes a crazy gleam... all the boxes will be mine...

Sigh.

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Food mostly on track. Super hungry. All I want is a pizza.

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6 hours later... have eaten plenty. Still starving... all I can think about is how badly I want a whole Jack's pizza all to myself. I can't believe what a difference eating oatmeal with coconut oil in the morning makes. I rarely have evening food cravings anymore... except chicken top ramen... but today I'm so hungry I'd bite my dog if she was topped with cheese and pepperoni.

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Just found an old diet journal while mouse cleaning from before I started here and yes... my highest recorded weight was 317... before I stopped weighing myself... so it may have been higher. Updated my start weight to reflect that. I'm pretty close to having lost 100 lbs. Crazy.

228.1. Probably PMS water weight because my watchband was so tight overnight I had an imprint this morning. My hands always bloat.

Had my cheat meal last night... After the dentist I brought home Little Cesar's supreme pizza and some hot wings to share with the fam. I really wanted wood-fired pizza but it was pretty late and would have taken longer to find and been more expensive. The pizza was not as delicious as I expected it to be... maybe that's the sneaky trick of a cheat meal? That you're like meh... and you don't crave it anymore? There's a smoking cessation drug commercial on Hulu that features wood-fired pizza and every time I see it, I lose my ****.

Decided to let my body have as much sleep as it wanted after the dentist yesterday because I've been so run down all week and fell asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow which NEVER happens for me. Missed bootcamp today.

Priorities... priorities... I'll hit Costco to get prescriptions and plastic storage boxes to protect my clothes and shoes from the rats and pick up broccoli and spinach. Then Home Depot for rat traps. Fight the good fight. I don't want to use poison, I don't want them dying in the walls. Then a few more errands and hope to get through them without too much wasted effort. Waking up late always makes me feel weird but I know I needed the sleep.

Plan to get back on track is just to eat and go to bed on schedule... just get into the rythym. Dog sitting and camping is coming up and I just need to keep on keeping on so that when I leave for 3 weeks with repaired stuff so that they can't claim unusual circumstances for anything they couldn't do for themselves.

Disabled my JustOKcupid account today. Too much crap, not enough reward. I think I will stick to my diet and fitness goals better if I don't periodically get blindsided by some dude I never met. I don't know yet how I will channel that "lonely empty hole" feeling that drives me to sit on those online dating apps.

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Hung out w Molly tonight at her favorite cigar bar! Sins included two raspberry beers and three mini tortillas!

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Mousey death toll is 7. 2 tiny babies caught in one of my poison free insect traps. I now have a new theory about why we don't have the bugs anymore besides all the combat traps I put out. Oh god...

Rat traps go out tomorrow. I put all my clothes and shoes in the plastic bins tonight. So glad I got out with Molly and was human tonight. Going to services in the morning. in the pla

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Back up again... 226.8. Probably PMS. Up at 8am and pulling it together one step at a time. Dad had a million requests for me as soon as my eyes cracked open... and I poured the water for my coffee in the wrong section soaking everything.

Blah... That dude from OKcupid makes me want to throw everything in my car and run away to Texas.

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BTW... The best running shoes ever are on sale at 6pm.

https://www.6pm.com/p/brooks-launch-3-anthracite-electric-brooks-blue/product/8919037/color/590822 

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Bedtime meditation to make up for missing it last night...

3gs: 1) the money to pay for the finished crown. 2) my parents and the shelter they provide. 3) my dog, for always being happy when I get home.

Fitness pride: 1) being proactive and taking care of my dental work so I will feel bettter. 2) packing a cooler and eating on plan. 3) doing my rest day and cheat meal as scheduled. 4) going to bed at 10:30 and not staying up late watching Hulu.

According to the new scale I lost almost 2 lbs today! That's kind of a lot with what I already lost this week, but it's all about averages and I'll take it! My goal is to lose no faster than half a pound a week, burn more fat than muscle, and not end up with extra skin. I really fell off the wagon yesterday. I did another round of meal prep yesterday and it just wore me out. I didn't want to drive spacey so I stayed home from the track workout and the adhd meeting and took my dog for a long walk. I ate off plan... Instead of my planned meals I had a protein cookie, a piece of cheese, a whole box of sweet potato crackers, and 5 squares of dark chocolate. I stayed up till 1 am watching Hulu (Preacher) because I was overtired and really down. Woke up late this AM and my whole body ached... Like I was beaten up. PMS?

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Got all my paperwork in today for the second round of scholarship approvals... Takes 10 days. Fingers and toes crossed!

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Turning down my parent's kind offer to take me to their favorite rib place. It's just an opportunity to overeat or eat off plan.

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Still working on fixing iphone/icloud stuff. Digging out my old digital camera tonight so I can start using that instead of my phone.

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Sensory joy... I pulled my dog's dog bed over to the couch yesterday and it is my foot rest and today she is laying on it and my feet so my toes are warm and toasty in soft blankets and fur and as she breathes I can feel her breaths go in and out and it makes my breathing go slower and I feel very chill.

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Didn't go to bootcamp tonight. I just don't feel so good. I took my dog on a nice long dog walk instead.

Whenever I jump, I feel my kidneys and my uterus bouncing around, I swear. I need to get a complete health audit when I get my cash straightened out. Maybe in tandem with buying disability insurance.

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Just realized that I haven't logged calories or really worked out since Monday and it is end of the day Thursday. I've spent s many days trying to catch up to meal prep from not going shopping Friday, I feel like I will never catch up... But weirdly I just lost a couple of pounds so why am I down about this... other than that I am trying to build up to getting everything done in a day that when I look at a paper, it looks like I should have time for.  I feel like I consistently get nothing done. 

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The guy I thought was cool off JustOKcupid doesn't want to meet up tomorrow. Yikes... He said I needed to take a hint and not call back. OUCH!  He sent me weird **** for days and I was pretty chatty with him... but he doesn't want to get a cup of coffee with me? Sigh... I deleted all his texts and calls from my phone so that I don't accidentally drunk dial him. Not that I get drunk... but you know what I mean.

I miss having a life, a love life, and freedom.  How did I decide to throw away 3 years of that? I remember how great it was to have an apartment with a jacuzzi. Augh.

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11:28pm... bedtime meditation... The place to start with getting back on track...

3 gratitudes: 1) That the case manager is helping me get to the second round (for the third time) for the scolarship. 2) That my ex wants to see me on his time off next week. It feels really good to be included.

Efforts I can take pride in for fitness today: Even though I skipped my bootcamp, I did go for the hour-long walk with my dog. I packed a cooler full of food to stay on-plan and also meal-prepped egg cups for 2nd breakfast for the week. I am also just forgiving myself for today and trying again tomorrow. If I can pull it together, I will get my crown put on in the AM. I really shouldn't put that off. 

1 selfless act I did today: Sent my meal prep plan to my case manager. I might send it to her for next week too. We live in the same area so our sales are the same. I also didn't let my dad go out to put out trash barrels in the driving wind. I went out there and did it, toughed it out.

Obstacles and how I will over come them: Not having my own space for my own life, iphone issues, exhaustion, weird feeling in the abdominal area when I jump.

My vision for what it will be like when I achieve my fitness goal: I will sleep and wake like clockwork. I won't get sucked into the spin of anxiety and depression. I will have a guy that really likes me (this is a dangerous thing to think here because I have always gotten into a bad relationship everytime I got skinny).

My intention for tomorrow: Rise to the occasion.

How I will work heroicly tomorrow: Suck it up, hit the bank, hit the dentist, hit Corner Bakery and get myself a goddamn brownie, hit DA, then see if K is free and see a goddamn movie and have a goddamn grls night.

Mantra for tomorrow: Living ain't for sissies

Moving it down another .2 lbs!!! Woo hoo! Got up at 6:30 with my alarm and took meds and then promptly passed out again... woke up at 8 on my own and feeling a lot better. Normal today.

I think I need to plan that days in between workouts are just long dog walks and that's it. I think the day after I just need to expect to be completely out of it and not beat myself up over it. I'll get my fitness level up... that even if I don't feel too sore to move I am mentally wiped out. So... Bootcamp days become "Do" days with critical things scheduled during the day and the day after is "give yourself a break" day... only tasks that involve putting yourself back together. I also think I need to go shopping on the day that I have two full sets of meals left, then cook on the day that I have one day left. Trying to do it on the day I am out just makes me go off plan.

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5 little mousies down. This one was bigger. Getting the rat-sized sticky ones today. Worried about poison and not being able to find the bodies in the horde, so I only want the sticky traps... But I don't know where they are. This one my dog herded into the trap again. I heard her banging about in the kitchen and then squeaking so I went to check it out. She was so proud.

My dog is ape**** to get into my parents' rooms. Spending the day with her dog bed at my feet and her leashed to my ankle (Not bothering with getting out the crate and shutting her in the bathroom seems mean. She seems to be fine with this compromise).

I think my parents aren't clearing their dishes every day and hiding them because I will come in and look for them at night when it is time to wash dishes before bed and they don't want me to know how much they have been eating in addition to the 2 meals a day I do for them... or that they are buying bread, donuts, cakes, and cookies.  They also both like to eat/graze in bed and in front of their computers... which is just gross to me. We have a perfectly functional kitchen table. 

This is why they are 400lbs each and can't move and are terribly ill. I wish I could get them to an OA meeting. I don't overeat now that my calories and timing are on track but my parents... You'd have to pour gas on a Hostess cupcake to get them to not eat it. Maybe not even that would work.

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HA HA HA... Have been texting a new guy I met on JustOKcupid and he was trying to figure out how much food I should pack to go backpacking (did I mention I really like this one?) and based on my photos he thought I was like 160lbs to go with my 5'10"  height... Aw. How sweet is he?

Also ADHD... Former EMT turned substitute teacher and working on his credential. Likes backpacking and outdoors stuff and some of the same radio/internet statons.

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I think I need to tier some prizes for myself to go with the rating scale for being on track over the course of a week. If I have 16 health actions a day, that's 112 points a week.

100% - $100 splurge

80%+ - $25 splurge

60%+ - $15 splurge

25%+ $5 splurge

Last week I scored 76% so that's a $15 splurge. Enough for a mini AM/FM radio so I don't run down the battery on my phone with iHeartRadio, spotify or iTunes.

Holding off on the REI store credit. Maybe they will issue a 20% off coupon in fall when I am working (I hope).

I lost .6 lbs! Slow and steady! Woke up this morning and my dog wasn't in bed with me and I freaked out about being 40 and single and panicked. Thought better of going into the workforce center in that state plus I should probably give my case manager 24h with the paperwork before I show up unannounced. Also, discovered that I cannot handle the combo of coffee and broccoli inthe same meal first thing in the am and I need to switch back to oatmeal. Augh.

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Wiped out most of my earlier joural entry. Was weirdly exhausted all day and just down. It took me forever to make chili and clean it up... just wasn't feeling very well. Missed my workout and DA. I think tomorrow I just need to get out for coffee right away, not stick around at all. Not get sucked in.

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3 grats: parents, dog, guy off Okcupid who made me laugh

Doing well today! I fit into my size 14 Lucky Brand goal jeans that I bought on clearance a couple of years ago this morning, no muffin topping! I have been trying them on periodically but even though I could get them zipped up I couldn't wear them out because I had a huge gut donut. I paired them with a pretty cotton tunic (only a size L!) that was white with blue anchors and a pair of tan heeled sandals. Loved being completely comfortable... and wearing pants that weren't trying to escape!

Bought a regular digital scale at Costco tonight with store credit for $14.99. I can't take not having a scale and my mom isn't picking out what she wants as a replacement... and the fancy one from kmart was open. Yuck.

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Bedtime meditation

3gs - 1) the money to pay for food and gas today. 2) making it to oc and back in 1 piece. 3) my parents. 4) my dog ate all her dinner tonight.

Things I can take pride in for improving my fitness: 1) dental care, 2) eating on plan, 3) packing my lunch the night before, 5) switching to coconut cream instead of half and half for my coffee... with stevia and cinnamon it is pretty good, 6) limiting cardio at bootcamp to 1h, 7) getting up at 7:30, 8) getting 9h of sleep, 10) putting the tv on a timer so that I can't accidentally stay up till 2am watching tv

Obstacles: iPhone f-d up, exhaution, not enough focus to sustain me throughout the day, The Circus.

My vision for what it will be like when I am fit: I will have even, sustained energy throughout the day and not lose focus. I will complete my reasonable to do list for the day. I will not sit and stare into space because I am too wiped to think. Simply driving an hour will not be more exhausting than biking an hour. I will have a banging fit body and an amazing after photo.

Intent for tomorrow: forward hustle

How I will work heroically: I will be up early and at the edd office by 8. I will push on the qa training. I will go home after and meal prep the stuff I bought at Costco tonight. I will do my Apple support appointment tomorrow and get my iPhone fixed. I will take my dog with me to the park by my DA meeting early and do my workout.

Doing well today! I fit into my size 14 Lucky Brand goal jeans that I bought on clearance a couple of years ago this morning, no muffin topping! I have been trying them on periodically but even though I could get them zipped up I couldn't wear them out because I had a huge gut donut. I paired them with a pretty cotton tunic (only a size L!) that was white with blue anchors and a pair of tan heeled sandals. Loved being completely comfortable... and wearing pants that weren't trying to escape!

Bought a regular digital scale at Costco tonight with store credit for $14.99. I can't take not having a scale and my mom isn't picking out what she wants as a replacement... and the fancy one from kmart was open. Yuck.

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Bedtime meditation

3gs - 1) the money to pay for food and gas today. 2) making it to oc and back in 1 piece. 3) my parents. 4) my dog ate all her dinner tonight.

Things I can take pride in for improving my fitness: 1) dental care, 2) eating on plan, 3) packing my lunch the night before, 5) switching to coconut cream instead of half and half for my coffee... with stevia and cinnamon it is pretty good, 6) limiting cardio at bootcamp to 1h, 7) getting up at 7:30, 8) getting 9h of sleep, 10) putting the tv on a timer so that I can't accidentally stay up till 2am watching tv

Obstacles: iPhone f-d up, exhaution, not enough focus to sustain me throughout the day, The Circus.

My vision for what it will be like when I am fit: I will have even, sustained energy throughout the day and not lose focus. I will complete my reasonable to do list for the day. I will not sit and stare into space because I am too wiped to think. Simply driving an hour will not be more exhausting than biking an hour. I will have a banging fit body and an amazing after photo.

Intent for tomorrow: forward hustle

How I will work heroically: I will be up early and at the edd office by 8. I will push on the qa training. I will go home after and meal prep the stuff I bought at Costco tonight. I will do my Apple support appointment tomorrow and get my iPhone fixed. I will take my dog with me to the park by my DA meeting early and do my workout.

Woke up at 7:30 AM today... Which is good! I only had 5.5h of sleep though so I am running on a big sleep deficit for the week. It was better to wake up and get my day started than sleep in though... I need to get back on track and the best way to do that is to "feel" like I am back on track.  

I was up on time to go to services but didn't go because when I opened my eyes, all I could see was the mess I had made throughout the week trying to get something done and not finishing everything it takes to do the nightly reset because there were too many dishes in the sink each night and I was going to bed at 1 and 2 am as it was. UGH. The price of clutter. Would be interesting to see how big it would be if I put everything that I see in the AM that is "extra" in a pile... 

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Answer: It is about the size of a queen size bed... and it was hiding more mice. Put out traps.

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Decided next that the most essential thing I could do today is contact Apple support and try to get my iphone working again. Ugh... apparently nothing is working right and they had to escalate to a specialist. 

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Bedtime Meditation

3 gratitudes: 1) That I got it together enough to start tackling this computer/phone thing because I went to the DA meeting yesterday... so thank you to the people that ran it. 2) That I can keep trying again tomorrow. 3) That there is a bootcamp at 7 tomorrow and hopefully I can make it if I get back from OC in time (dentist). 4) The people on this board who cheer me on.

Efforts I can take pride in for my fitness today: 1) I got up at 7:30. 2) I tried to stay on target and my only cheat was a top ramen packet. 3) I took my dog fo a nice long walk and we found a new park to go to... she didn't pull or fight to not go home today.

Selfless act: I dunno if it was selfless, but I took my dad to the grocery store and helped him find what he was looking for. I did not participate or indulge him when he lost it on me later and said I make everyone's life miserable and am a ****ty person. I just grabbed my purse and got a burger and came home an hour later. The trip was too much for him to handle and he was tired.

Obstacles: Not enough sleep, adhd overwhelm, clutter/the horde, not having my own space, money, not feeling physically good. iCloud/iPhone storage is maxed and I can't use any apps on my phone including audible which means it is harder to get to sleep.

Vision for what it will be like when I achieve my fitness goal: I will stick to my priorities and have more fun. I will wake up right away and not feel like I am dragging along. I will fall asleep easily.

My intention for tomorrow: Take care of needful things.

How I will work heroically tomorrow: Get my temp crown fixed, fix my phone, track down training application.