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happy-1 - Wednesday Nov 28, 2018
(Change everything every minute. All things thru C)
Weight: 219.1

219.3

A little emotional today. Stressed, anxious, can’t really get started. Mom is sick, throwing up and I’m a little worried. I really need a hug, but don’t have anyone I can share with and get one. Just have to keep on keeping on and see what the next wave brings.

Why I can’t share with the people in my life:

  • My parents are well... themselves 
  • My friend from college is being weird about the period-perfect mid-century modern Christmas tree and ornaments I found. I can’t lay anything else on her. Just have to pretend I am doing better and getting stronger every day
  • My friend from church is putting pressure on me to commit to going to all the events she goes to. They are all at the same time as yoga, which I need to do. I don’t think she makes self-care enough of a priority and doesn’t understand why I am... she sees self-care and selfish as the same thing... the exact opposite of what I need to do
  • The kickboxing instructor is awesome to talk to and spend time with but we need to have the talk about when to go to the next level and what comes after that... ugh
  • My ex in SD is well... my ex. If I want to move on that means not getting into long conversations with him and also not leading him on
  • OOMLG is not exactly a friend. I don’t know why he keeps calling and texting, but I don’t want to be vulnerable with him because he’s not a permanent fixture in my life

And so that leaves the Occupational Therapist tomorrow and that is where I can actually share and get some coaching... but it’s not a hug. I could use a hug.

 

OOMLG did have the eight idea about self-hugs. Woke up early this morning for some quiet time and dyed my roots, gave myself a conditioning treatment and blew out my hair. Then I made meal prep breakfast of spinach, eggs, and half an uncured chicken sausage. 5 of them are sitting there for the week. Next I took vitamins and read posts on markmanson.net because I like his blog and it gives me a lift to read a new article about emotions and psychology even when it doesn’t apply to me.

 

Working on more self-hugs. Will post some more.

 

Give your self a hug now if you are reading this. It really helps.

 

Progress as of today: 97.9 lbs lost so far, only 13.1 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 11/28/2018:
the idea of getting me to hug myself was quite nice indeed, why thank you! :)

and i'll send you a virtual hug now <> that's my arms hugging you :)

it's sounds like you like your kickboxing instructor best. I have an idea about it...let him chase you. so many people say it and i agree that men are hunters. the minute we chase them, they run the other way..

happy-1 on 11/29/2018:
LOL! I know, right? I wait for him to text me.

happy-1 on 11/29/2018:
And thank you for the hug. Hugs back <>


Donkey on 11/29/2018:
I'm with Horn on this one. Let him chase you. Play it cool and just enjoy where you're at right now.

happy-1 on 11/29/2018:
I'm trying. Keeping it calm.



happy-1 - Tuesday Nov 27, 2018
(Change everything every minute. All things thru C)
Weight: 219.1

219.0 again today.  The scale is laughing at me. I keep trying and trying but no luck. Maybe it will be lower tomorrow. My mom is down to 191 and exploring the size 1x clothes I gave her... and keeps rubbing it in because she knows my weight isn’t moving.

Something is changing though... I feel like I’m shrinking. I impulse bought a pair of size 10 lucky brand jeans as goal jeans and had to wear them today because everything else is trying to escape. I tried on size 12 pants at Ross tonight and they were huge... but it’s Ross. I will have to see what I weigh tomorrow and take new measurements. I tried to get dressed for a date with the kickboxing instructor on Sunday and was all excited about my outfit, but the boots I got out of storage I was so excited about were ridiculously huge in the calf and all my bras are flopping open. I had to wear yoga pants and sneakers... but he still said I looked good.

My score tonight at Ross was a green UnderArmor hoodie that will be perfect under my black down vest for dog walks. I have not yet found shirts or hoodies for winter in storage... it’s all golf, tennis and ski stuff so far and I’m too cold/hot. Winter in LA is weird weather. All about light thin layers and a windbreaker. Also in dire need of chinos or other non-jeans pants. Jeans everyday is too hot and they don’t dry... ever.

Have to say I really, really like the kickboxing instructor. He is super great company and a heck of a kisser. We went to the Japanese garden, frozen yogurt, a movie (wreck it ralph 2) and then got drive thru. He had to work at 11. I ordered hot wings, had 3 and a few of the fries and then sent him to work with the other half. Bringing it home would have created drama with my dad and I do not need 3 more hot wings or a bunch of fries. Fries are not our friends.

Tonight I came home to discover my dad bought a pumpkin pie at  the grocery store. I was sick to see also that there was about a quarter of it left. That means they each ate A LOT of sugar... and they are diabetic.

 

Progress as of today: 97.9 lbs lost so far, only 13.1 lbs to go!

Donkey on 11/28/2018:
Try not to let your mom's reaction get you down; you're doing great. One thing I've learned in my own weight-loss journey is that it's really a self-centered goal, not a comparison. Oh that doesn't mean I don't envy some of my relatives who are wonderfully thin & petite, but it's really about the progress I make with myself - inside and out.

I'm glad that you are having a nice time with Mr. Kickboxer. :)

And don't even get me started on food drama -- my husband has gone totally off plan for the holidays. And not just bad food, but HUGE portions. OK, I get eating bad foods, but why does it always have to be HUGE portions???

PS Did you like the movie? My son saw it - he loved it!


horn_of_plenty on 11/28/2018:
You must be soooo glad you now are fitting into the 12's!!!!!!!! right!?

even tho you had nothing to wear, at least it's on a brighter note bc you are losing weight!

too bad the stores don't sell no sugar added pumpkin pies. i MUST make that...and a pumpkin cheesecake.!!!!!!one day. i have a lot of desserts i want to make !

happy-1 on 11/28/2018:
They do. They just don’t taste as good.



happy-1 - Saturday Nov 24, 2018
(Change everything every minute. All things thru C)
Weight: 219.1

Today is one of those days where you just wait for another wave and see what the tide brings in. Got up early and took a yoga class at the new studio. Got some bad news that I am not ready to talk about yet. Just coping.

I should really turn everything off and go to bed, but I should get two things done to reduce the giant pile of paperwork that is between me and the rest of my life.  

One foot in front of the other. If I have learned nothing else the last 2 years it is that one sure way to make everything worse is to stop doing what I planned to do and react. 

Breathe. Yoga breathing. Deep breaths.

---

Right after I wrote this my dog let out the most awful fart. Guess she is really relaxing in the bedroom and all is right with her world... She always knows what to do to get me out of a mood. Rarely is it anything cute and cuddly... but she loves me.

Seeing the kickboxing instructor tomorrow. Afternoon in the Japanese Garden at CSULB.

Progress as of today: 97.9 lbs lost so far, only 13.1 lbs to go!

Donkey on 11/25/2018:
I hope that whatever your bad news is/was, that you can work through processing it. (((hugs)))

Have fun with Mr. Kickboxer today!


Horn_of_plenty on 11/25/2018:
I'm also sorry about the bad news...but i'm glad that a lot of good has gone on today (except for the fart!)



happy-1 - Friday Nov 23, 2018
(Change everything every minute. All things thru C)
Weight: 219.1

I did it! I got the bed down in my old bedroom! It will take another session of lifting heavy things to sleep in there, but the bed is down and the door can be closed. Maybe I will do more tomorrow. I had to take 2 flexeril last night after I drove my parents to and from Thanksgiving with my dad’s friends... slept 9.5 hours and woke up too foggy to do anything or go anywhere. I told myself I’d just move 3 boxes... that’s all I had to do today... but I just kept going and next thing I knew I had it down.  

I think sorting out clutter to rid the house of excess consumerism and impulse purchases is a great way to spend black friday.

—-

Mom’s response to me finally feeling well enough to do that project... Your bed can’t be there, it is on a terrible wall for feng shui. You will hear every noise. You will get every bad bathroom smell. I replied god forbid anyone should feel good about anything they have accomplished for even a minute. I have done all I can do today. This is as far as I could get.

My dad’s response was “so are you going to sleep in here now? I said no, it needs to be safer for an earthquake. I’d get hurt or trapped, but I can work on it more tomorrow but right now I need to rest my neck. He started fussing. Your neck, your neck... I’m tired of hearing about your neck!

Whatever happened to good job?

 

—-

Stumped for a good date idea for sunday. My turn to plan something. I’d like to do outdoors in the sunshine someplace relaxing but it’s high winds and he doesn’t have a windbreaker or wind blocking pants. 

—-

8:30am - lara bar, 2 dark chocolate squares 

12pm - skipped

1:30pm - a whole frozen thin crust pepperoni pizza, mostly because I was starving after 5h of moving stuff around and this was about 850 calories. It’s not very big.

3pm - another luna bar, despite the fact that I meal prepped yesterday and have chicken kale salads waiting???? Just too worn out to eat. Shower only sort of helped

5:20pm - Small chicken pho at the good pho place. Out of dog food and had to run out to buy more to make up. Realized that I was too in need of a break to be out... stopped off for some dinner. It feels good and human to be out again.

Progress as of today: 97.9 lbs lost so far, only 13.1 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 11/24/2018:
Well, i'll say to you, GOOD JOB! nicely done getting your bed down to your bedroom! not an easy task!

pizza sounds good, i'm craving microwavable / frozen comfort food today too!!!! and i might just have some stuff (i do!) in my fridge for lunch! i even have pizza :)

yeah, i see you ate the luna bar instead of the salad - sometimes a salad is for when you aren't starving and tired...the luna bar is a good pick-me-up when you are down / tired / don't wanna digest and chew a lot of volume :)

happy-1 on 11/25/2018:
Hugs. Sometimes we need a little comfort food to get through the day... and the night.


Donkey on 11/24/2018:
I'll say it too: GOOD JOB! In fact, GREAT JOB!

It's good to get out of the house and be amongst humanity. I think that's why I set up these little errands for myself on the weekend, to get out and be with other people, even if I'm not necessarily interacting with them directly.

Have you thought about cannabis oil for your pain? (without the THC) Our associate attorney rubs some on his knee in the morning to be able to function. His secretary (one of the nicer co-workers) uses it for her dogs chronic pain. I think we're at the point of considering this for my husband's pain...



happy-1 - Wednesday Nov 21, 2018
(Change everything every minute. All things thru C)
Weight: 219.1

Happy Thanksgiving!

Tried to break through my inertia today. Not a lot of luck but tomorrow is a new day. Mostly ate on track. Bought a 1 month unlimited pass for yoga at a studio closer to me I can walk to if my neck hurts too much. They open again on Saturday. 

—-

Can’t wait to see kickboxing instructor again on Sunday. He works this saturday.

—-

5am up walked dog to park. 

6am coffee, protein shake 

9am - eggs/ham/peppers/spinach/sweet potato 

1pm out - salmon salad, falafel 

6pm spaghetti lean cuisine, 1/3 a frozen pizza

9pm blueberries, 2 spoons of yogurt, 2 tbsp granola 

Progress as of today: 97.9 lbs lost so far, only 13.1 lbs to go!

Donkey on 11/22/2018:
Happy Thanksgiving, Happy!

I really wish I could fit yoga into my life. Why is this so hard for me to do?

Kickboxing Guy - is this the smoker? I forget. I'm so bad :(

happy-1 on 11/22/2018:
Yeah. It’s a tradeoff and changeable... It’s been a long time since I’ve had even easy good friends to spend time with on the regular and he’s just such good company it’s not worth bailing over.

I can’t seem to do yoga at home... only if I go to a studio... but it’s changed my life and vinyasa burns a ton of calories.


Horn_of_plenty on 11/23/2018:
healthy eats, happy...sounds you are def on the road to being very much back on track...i see you are hanging out with this fitness instructor !? ;)



happy-1 - Tuesday Nov 20, 2018
(Change everything every minute. All things thru C)
Weight: 219.1

219.5 today. The scale is laughing at me.  

Sorry I have been MIA. Holy moly 6 days! How did I go that long without DD? Must have been the new muscle relaxers making me too foggy to track or post. Anyway skipped them last night because I just couldn't take being foggy anymore. 

Today is a good example of this quote from Castaway... 

“I have to keep breathing. And tomorrow the sun will rise, and who knows what the tide will bring in.” 
― William Broyles Jr.

Things the tide brought in:

1) I am officially a size 12. Bought 2 pairs of sweatpants and a pair of jeans. Nothing fancy, just cheap basics... but they made me feel a million times better.

2) Had a second date with the hot kickboxing instructor. He took me to a matinee and lunch. We met up at 10, he went back to work at 4... and it wasn’t enough time. I could literally have spent a week hanging out with him. We lucked out on the table for lunch and got a perfect view of all the boats in the marina. We also walked along the canals. It was perfect weather and there’s nothing better than good company on a beautiful day. 

3) Something to look forward to... Dog sitting for Christmas! That will be nice. To have some downtime.

4) Got home before my parents and had an hour to sit in peace and quiet with my dog.

Hope springs eternal.

---

Things I ate today:

  • 7:30AM - 1 scoop protein powder and espresso
  • 10AM - Meal prep tray of a 2 egg/uncured ham/peppers and onions omlette with a little sweet potato and 3 cups of spinach
  • 12PM - Skipped
  • 3PM - Large chicken soup at El Pollo Loco, water. I forgot they add tortilla strips. Ate them anyway.
  • 4PM - 2 packets peanuts
  • 6:30PM - 4 mini baked egg rolls, 1/2 cup brown rice, chicken, veggies, teriyaki sauce (possibly too much sauce)
  • If I am still hungry later I will eat an apple and some peanut butter.

No idea on the calorie count.

Progress as of today: 97.9 lbs lost so far, only 13.1 lbs to go!

Donkey on 11/21/2018:
Nothing beats having good company to spend time with :)

Dog sitting for Christmas - lovely!


Horn_of_plenty on 11/23/2018:
We've been missing you here! sometimes i get foggy and don't wanna post / comment either! LOL...glad you are back!

yeah, i wouldn't hold off the tortilla strips either...love anything "tortilla" tasting...nachos, tacos, wraps...ohhh yum!

Sounds like a mighty nice date :)

and congrats on feeling better and fitting into a size 12! you've done a great job here since you started, losing slow and in a way that you'll learn to be your best self and keep it off!



happy-1 - Wednesday Nov 14, 2018
(Change everything every minute. All things thru C)
Weight: 219.1

Grrr... Getting after it. Did lots of worthwhile things to be a functional adult again. I can do this. For the tally... A bunch of housekeeping things to get ready for the water to be turned off for 2 days tomorrow (city maintenance). Then I womaned up and handled personal business I have been slacking on. I am working every day to be worthy of the last 2 guys I met and was *almost* good enough for.

Although... It should be noted... I did get a nice good morning text from the crazy hot kickboxing instructor. But he has not made plans to see me, lol.

Did not keep track of my food today... getting a little lost without Rise so I need to restart that... Maybe next month. Breathe. One foot in front of the other.

—-

9:42pm... in bed. Dying for the kickboxing instructor to text me again but guess not.

Here’s what I think I ate today... 

B: 350 cal oatmeal, protein, nuts and fruit + seed mix and grated ginger

Snack: Peanuts 

B2: protein powder and espresso powder, only drank half

L: 1/2 chicken breast, bbq sauce, seeet potato, butter

Snack: 2/3 of a frozen pizza 

Snack: Strawberry lara bar with 1 ghiradelli dark chocolate squares

D: Chicken thigh, rice and seed mix, 2 cups broccoli with butter 

 

Progress as of today: 97.9 lbs lost so far, only 13.1 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 11/15/2018:
Wait...no water for two days straight!?

grated ginger! how cool. did you grate it yourself...? i have large pieces of ginger at home, haven't decided what to use them for, yet.

your foods are awesome. so healthy, so tasty! nice job Happy - you are getting it wayyyy back on track 100%

happy-1 on 11/20/2018:
It was better than I thought it was going to be... They only had it off overnight and now I am set to change that bathroom faucet!

Ginger... I put it in the food processor and then freeze it in water to make ice cubes (nutrients oxidize otherwise) in a silicone ice cube tray with a lid. Then I can just drop a cube or two into recipes. I buy it in bulk to save. Plus I probably go through a couple pounds a month.

I fell off track a lot. Need to pull it together.


Donkey on 11/15/2018:
No water for 2 days??? What the heck??

Hey, are you being affected by the fires at all?

happy-1 on 11/20/2018:
Only with asthma, personally. Friends are.


graindart on 11/15/2018:
Funny how priorities change. If I had to choose between various things to give up for 2 days, I'd give up running water before I'd give up the internet now. (needed for work purposes)

happy-1 on 11/20/2018:
I’m kind of with you on that.



happy-1 - Tuesday Nov 13, 2018
(Change everything every minute. All things thru C)
Weight: 219.1

219.5... YAY. I'm not going completely off track while I get my paperwork together.

Spent the day contemplating moving out. Friend from church needs a roommate and I offered her a temp sublet for a month or two so she can find someone... but it turns out she’s not renting the whole room by itself... she’s doing a sharing setup with multiple people in one room. She’s also trying to rent out her couch. Basically as many as 6 roommates at a time in a 2 bedroom condo. It sounds like escalating crazy and I don’t think it’s a good idea. She also doesn’t want anyone who is dating as a roommate. That’s not going to work, lol.

---

Deleted all of the kickboxing instructor’s digital trail. It won’t work out... He doesn’t have his own place and I am on my parent’s couch still... and I’ve pretty much wrecked my life... so I’m not competitive enough. I’ll text back but I won’t bug him first anymore. He’s got more than enough going on without my complications.

I need to give myself a hug, get up and get back on track.

Got a lot done today. Real progress. Feeling pretty good about that. Onwards and upwards.

Progress as of today: 97.9 lbs lost so far, only 13.1 lbs to go!

Donkey on 11/13/2018:
If she's open to trying it out on a short-term basis, I think the month-long "stay-cation" sounds like an excellent idea. You might learn a lot about yourself during this sabbatical.

happy-1 on 11/13/2018:
Hugs. Couldn't hurt, right?

happy-1 on 11/14/2018:
Not going to work out... She’s looking for someone to share the room so she can rent it to multiple people


horn_of_plenty on 11/14/2018:
I agree with Donkey, it could be a nice "staycation" and good change of pace for you!...but wouldn't do it long-term :)

happy-1 on 11/14/2018:
Yeah, but at least I know I am ready to go when I do find the right situation. I guess when my neck got back into alignment so did my priorities and ability to make decisions


Donkey on 11/14/2018:
Oh my, I didn't realize that's what your friend had in mind with renting out. No, I don't think that would work... at least not for me.

I'm sorry to hear about Kickboxing Guy, but I trust that you're making the right decision for yourself. GOOD!

happy-1 on 11/14/2018:
Yeah... Discontent may be the rock upon which change is leveraged, but I have learned from OOMLG that I don’t need to invite extra. I can’t seem to delete my online dating profile and give up hope... but it’s not the best time for me to be dating


graindart on 11/14/2018:
Multiple people that are unrelated and don't really know each other trying to live in one room? I don't think I could handle it, unless I didn't own anything and worked 15+ hours per day and just needed somewhere cheap to crash at night. And it would have to be really cheap, because with that many people sharing a room I doubt it would be very quiet at any time of day or night......

happy-1 on 11/14/2018:
I did it when I had a 90% travel job... It was cheap beach living, and basically like summer camp or a travel hostel... but that was fun and we all had real jobs with a few super hot teachers and fitness instructors thrown in. I have no idea what she’s going to do in an inner city area recruiting from a very conservative innercity evangelical church. I have a feeling it’s going to be a lot of crazy.

happy-1 on 11/14/2018:
And also I have a feeling that now that I did the CERT class, I’m going to be changing to a church that does the local CERT team or runs a tutoring program so I can be a free math tutor. I wasn’t feeling so great before so I wasn’t up to tutoring but I feel better and I’d like to get to know my neighbors.



happy-1 - Monday Nov 12, 2018
(Change everything every minute. All things thru C)
Weight: 219.1

No weigh in today... Not enough sleep and forgot to do it. I did get back down to 220 over the weekend. Fell off track a bit with sleep, eating and exercise Fri night - Sunday... But I am back on track today. Got up at 3am and couldn’t get back to sleep... but I walked my dog to the park, drank lots of water, ate my oatmeal, and next I will bike to the store to get my dog her favorite bagels.

Made some progress yesterday on paperwork. Getting back to being a functional adult.

---

6:30pm. Spent the day not terribly productive, except for 2 dog walks and a bike ride. Cannot get guy from Friday night off my mind. He is literally occupying all the available space in my brain. Those must be some pheromones... Or it was the secondhand nicotine. Geez. Who was OOMLG? What was so great about him? I don't remember. Something something. What did he even look like? Seems hazy.

Fighting off the urge to down an entire pizza to bury inconvenient emotions.

One foot in front of the other. Logging here as I go for "virtual" company as I conquer paperwork tasks that are between me and getting to know a super tall, super hot kickboxing instructor that thinks I'm adorable.

Progress as of today: 97.9 lbs lost so far, only 13.1 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 11/12/2018:
Getting some exercise there...that's good.

happy-1 on 11/12/2018:
one foot in front of the other


Horn_of_plenty on 11/12/2018:
As long as you are back on track, that is what matters!

happy-1 on 11/12/2018:
Hugs! Never give up!


Donkey on 11/13/2018:
Play it cool :)

happy-1 on 11/13/2018:
Too late... I was too nerdy and showed that I like him too much... but that's ok. He is a smoker anyway. Big ego boost that I really needed though!



happy-1 - Saturday Nov 10, 2018
(Change everything every minute. All things thru C)
Weight: 219.1

 Had a fun date tonight. We met up for frozen yogurt. Nice to go out with someone who actually likes me for a change. I’d see him again. He’s a big, good-looking guy and pretty good company. Catch (in addition to others but it is all a trade off) is that he is definitely more than just an occasional smoker... And that’s a little... gross.

Progress as of today: 97.9 lbs lost so far, only 13.1 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 11/10/2018:
Nice that you met an interesting guy.........I can only say one thing...and that...there are no perfect people out there...so there will always be some give and take.....But happy that you guys got together!!!

happy-1 on 11/12/2018:
We’ll see. At least I had fun. Who knows?


Donkey on 11/10/2018:
I'm glad you had a good time!

Ya know, I hear ya on the smoking thing, but take live in the moment with this. I'm a non-smoker, but I'd take a smoker & have someone to do things with over being lonely.

PS I keep forgetting to mention this but your bikini picture - WOW!!!!!

happy-1 on 11/10/2018:
That’s what I figure... Except there’s a while-you-are-making-out taste, followed by a worsening on-the-drive-home taste that brushing, flossing, Listerine, and tooth bleach just did not purge and I ended up eating sweet potato fries that were burned from dinner but I had forgotten to clean up just to be able to trick my brain that it was that instead so I could go to bed. I could do that for a couple of months but a lifetime...

Thanks! It’s amazing how bodyfat percentage matters more than weight on the scale.


Horn_of_plenty on 11/10/2018:
smoking thing is bad. and soooo many people do not smoke anymroe....fine to date him, but it'd be a dealbreaker for me for sure. as it only leads to illness and sickness.

happy-1 on 11/12/2018:
I feel you there. Wasn't in his profile.



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