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happy-1 - Tuesday Jul 21, 2020
(Just try to get back on habit and prioritize self)
Weight: 228.4

Woke up yesterday and discovered that the last of the black dye had washed out of my hair with the Metally and skipped the botanical gardens to be able to stay home and dye my hair while the caregiver took dad out. I also did my nails. Oh the luxury. It felt good to wake up and like what was in the mirror. Hair came out a little dark, but it will wash out and I can try again with a lighter shade. Maybe do a color melt. Dying for a short shag haircut, but that will have to wait till the virus stuff is managed.

Oh the luxury of a caregiver and not dealing with dad's demands to go to Ralph's, which wears me out.

Dad said last night that he is having terrible pains. I said it sounded like hypoxia from being an ornery old cuss that won't wear his oxygen. I told him to start wearing the Life Alert necklace because I could be asleep or out back with my phone off and my watch charging or out runnning errands. He said OK. I also said you are having problems because you are eating badly. You were a 3x last year and now you are a 4x heading to a 5x. You need to cut out the sodium. He said me cooking was too much trouble. I said, no me cooking was better for me... We fought about food so much I just gave up on everything. I'm having a lot of health problems because of it. I'd rather go back to cooking. He said OK. I asked "Can I throw out what is in the fridge currently that is high sodium and doesn't fit your needs?" You would think I had offered to sacrfice the cat to a pagan deity, the way he looked at me. "No, we just won't buy any more." OK. Guess we aren't really ready for change. I emailed the caregiver agency to ask them for help...  I see the guidance as:

1. Education on what other families are doing to accommodate diet and different generations taste and chewing ability.
2. Looking at what changes we need to make to do that.
3. Looking at the time/hours we get from your service and how they could be better structured to make that happen.
4. Educating and collaborating with a caregiver to make that happen. Like that a diabetic/congestive heart failure/renal diet means looking at other labels on the shelf to find the low sodium brand even if it isn't labeled that way... or only getting the caffeine-free diet coke. I haven't been really doing a lot of coaching on that mostly because I just want him to like her and give her more hours.
I've fallen off meal prepping for myself. I used to make 49 bodybuilder meal prep meals for myself a week. I am not doing any of that right now, even yoga. I could use some help getting back on track too. Maybe catch some energy for that from them.
Continuing to play with Spoonacular, see if that is a solution for meal planning and grocery shopping.


Up: 5:20 AM. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

B: Real brewed coffee with superfood creamer and almond milk. Think! bar.





Progress as of today: 88.6 lbs lost so far, only 68.4 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 07/21/2020:
it's def very difficult the older people get and the more set in their ways they are to be so opposed to change. but it's good that you will not (hopefully) by those unhealthy foods again for your dad. try to see what you can swap to make healthier choices for him but still give him what he wants. for example, if he eats bacon, switch to turkey/chicken bacon (still high salt so you don't wanna give too much...). if he likes, do the egg whites...

if he likes meat, go for turkey...these are just basic.

does he like veggies, i'm guessing no?

happy-1 on 07/22/2020:
LOL... Tried all that. Huge battle. Sent an email to the caregiver agency and he can sort it out with them.

bearcountrygg on 07/21/2020:
Well...basically you do have 2 choices.....only bring in what you want him to eat...and listen to his complaining...or get him the food he wants and make him happy but know that it's not healthy for him. ......I'm wondering if the doctor gave him a specific diet plan since he has several health problems......similar to D who is diabetic, kidney stone, and high cholesterol and blood pressure....he also doesn't want to stop the food favorites...he also doesn't want an amputation like his sister, or another kidney stone to go with the current one, he doesn't feel good on the cholesterol meds....it really is a lose lose situation......What if you made a list of acceptable foods for him and let him pick what he likes...then if he complains....remind him he wanted that.......right now around here...we are still figuring out what is best for him....and it can get very confusing......but we are working on it........but I'm encouraging D to pick some things himself and it seems to work better for us.

thinkpositive on 07/22/2020:
You certainly have some challenges. Maybe there is a compromise with food- not to entirely convert to only healthy foods, but to have healthy food 75 % of the time & food that he enjoys 25 % of the time?

Donkey on 07/22/2020:
You've gotten some good ideas here with dad.

happy-1 - Sunday Jul 19, 2020
(Just try to get back on habit and prioritize self)
Weight: 228.4

New week. Back on the horse. Starting the day with a healthy coffee, chocolate protein powder, and almond milk drink.

Decided to see the Ex-ish on Wednesday. I'll just tell him ahead of time that I am too stressed and worn out to take a cranky tantrum and I have to go home immediately if he starts one. See if he can pull it together if I make it clear ahead of time that it's not OK. I'm not his mom and he's not 5.

I think I actually got enough rest yesterday to see the back of the weird butt kicking i got from all the spider bites. Today is a chore day.


Where I am starting from

  • Rough sort of my mail
  • Review card statements
  • Pay bills
  • List of calls to make on Monday for dad
  • Plug in printer
  • Print weekly lotto ticket reward worksheets
  • Properly make bed (after the cat moves)
  • Straighten up
  • Clean bathroom


  • Hot oil treatment/ dye removal I didn't do yesterday because I was too tired
  • Nails


  • Sweep up
  • Water plants


  • Wait for the wetvac filter
  • Check that the wetvac filter is the right size
  •  Print return for wet vac filter


  • Dishes
  • Straighten up
  •  Make something for dinner that looks like real food


  • Finish sorting out the recycling papers and make sure there is nothing that needs to be shredded


  • Clean dog poop off back stairs and dog
  • And me


Made dad a healthy salmon dinner last night and he complained because it wasn't breaded. Sigh.


Dog pooped on the stairs and then walked in it and must also have fallen in it. I also ended up covered in poop. Second shower. Can I order takeout for dinner? I barely did anything today but I am so tired.


Ubelievable infestation of aphids in garden, despite neem oil.


Up: 7

B: Protein shake, coffee, almond milk

L: hummus, pita chips, cherry tomatoes, 2 string cheeses, 

Snack: Protein brownie



Progress as of today: 88.6 lbs lost so far, only 68.4 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 07/19/2020:
my friend R does the tantrums and it bothers me so much! last night got into a huge fight with him as he was throwing mini tantrums the whole evening and i just had ENOUGH!

i'm doing some cleaning also of the bathroom :)

happy-1 on 07/19/2020:
Augh. Does R throw tantrums for hours over little things like you took too long or tried too many different movies to try and get to one you like? Or that you didn't call and let him know you were on your way? Because the idea of a long car trip with the Ex-ish just makes me picture myself jumping out of a moving vehicle to get away.

grannyannie on 07/19/2020:
You are so ambitious. I do much better with a list as well.

happy-1 on 07/19/2020:
It's all on me. Even with help in... Then it's on me to manage them and I might as well have done it myself.

Donkey on 07/19/2020:
That is a lot of chores to do - good to have a list to keep you organized. And it feels so good to cross one of those suckers off the list when finished!

happy-1 on 07/19/2020:
I make a list of everything I need to do... And then realize I could never, ever possibly do it all. And get discouraged. And end up on the Internet for hours.

bearcountrygg on 07/19/2020:
That is a huge list........would it help to pick 3 or 4 things for the day...and if you have the desire to do more...pick another? I can easily get discouraged too if I try to do more than I really can manage....I just feel better when the expectations start low and I feel good about that...and add another chore if I want.

happy-1 on 07/19/2020:
I just kind of brainstorm and start at the top and do as much as I can. Anything that doesn't get done... Doesn't get done. I need to be better about finishing projects before starting new ones... It creates too much chaos. The dog poop drama today was worse because there was stuff at the bottom of the stairs that I need to go through and look for shredding and hazmat disposal. The living room is a mess because I have hardware to sort, an art tower to do *something* with, hardware to sort, papers to go through, food in bins to keep out pests, photo albums in progress... all of which aren't happening because I need to clean the rugs and treat for fleas.


Horn_of_plenty on 07/19/2020:
Yes, R throws the same types of tantrums.

happy-1 on 07/19/2020:

Maria7 on 07/20/2020:
The salmon sounds wonderful. I don't bread mine, either. You are such a good Daughter!

happy-1 on 07/21/2020:
Thanks! Pro organizer says it still counts as being a good daughter even if I do something while being on my last nerve and a little scary, lol.

happy-1 - Saturday Jul 18, 2020
(Just try to get back on habit and prioritize self)
Weight: 228.4

Worked all week past my exhaustion point on cleaning out the house and chores. Slept 14h. At complete burnout point. Just surfing the Internet, streaming TV, and eating some brownies from a mix. The dishes have piled up, but I am not feeling the big desire to wash them and cook a meal.

I am out of frozen pizza.

Dog is determined to sleep anywhere but a designated pee pad. It's a constant mess and she's dripping with pee all the time now.Every day is a bath, sometimes twice a day.

I miss my mom. I would like to be watching TV with her right now.

To recharge...

  1. Today, I will do another pass at fading the black dye. I will listen to my favorite radio show and walk my dog.
  2. Sunday, probably a chore day. Clean the carpet in the dining room.
  3. Monday, follow up phone calls then solo outing to the botannical gardens. I need a good day out badly.
  4. Tuesday... Chore day.
  5. Wednesday... Exish wants to get together but I don't really feel that one. He gets upset over something small, has a tantrum, and then has to be coaxed out of it. It's more fun than being here at home... but...


Shotgunning water and doing dishes. Slap in the face. Snap out of it.

Progress as of today: 88.6 lbs lost so far, only 68.4 lbs to go!

grannyannie on 07/19/2020:
Don't wear yourself out. A long sleep and a recharge is a good idea.

happy-1 on 07/19/2020:
Thanks!!!! I needed it.

Donkey on 07/19/2020:
Some days are harder than others. Grief comes in waves... Do your best not to get pulled under.

happy-1 on 07/21/2020:
Hugs. Grief seems to be more like a sad sloth that follows me from room to room.

happy-1 - Wednesday Jul 15, 2020
(Just try to get back on habit and prioritize self)
Weight: 228.4

Smacking myself and starting over. Everyday is a chance to wake up and do better. Just because I woke up desperately unhappy doesn't mean I need to stay that way. Getting up and just getting started cleaning. Getting moving helps.


Up 10am. Slept 14h due to spider bites after working on cleaning out the garage. Just super wiped and itchy.

B: cookies, water

L: 1/2 a frozen pepperoni pizza.


Progress as of today: 88.6 lbs lost so far, only 68.4 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 07/15/2020:
One foot in front of the other......

happy-1 on 07/18/2020:
And again and again...

Donkey on 07/16/2020:
Keep trying! One meal at a time.

My husband is in the middle of a cleaning out the garage project. It keeps him busy and active. But I hadn't considered that he could get a spider bite. With his suppressed immunity system, that might hit him hard.

grannyannie on 07/16/2020:
Getting moving always helps your mood. Good luck!

legcramps on 07/16/2020:
You're so right - we can always change the direction of our day with enough determination! You've got this.

Horn_of_plenty on 07/16/2020:
totally with you....

we can always start over or take another attempt.

in fact, that's what i am doing myself! i had done no cardio yesterday and knew that in order to get it in today, it was best to start it in the morning before i delve into my work!

my cardio has been very poor for about a couple weeks since i broke my toe, so, i will have to get back on the cardio path when it's better..

happy-1 - Wednesday Jul 15, 2020
(Just try to get back on habit and prioritize self)
Weight: 228.4

 Picking it back up again and pulling things back together... again. I missed my mom so much, I had a frozen pizza, diet coke, half a box of chocolate chip cookies, and half a bag of pita chips about it. Then got super tired but weirdly stayed up till 2am. 

Tomorrow is another day.

Progress as of today: 88.6 lbs lost so far, only 68.4 lbs to go!

Donkey on 07/15/2020:
For different reasons, but with respect to food only, I'm in rather a similar spot. And all we can do, with respect to eating, is to try to do better.

You are not alone, although you may feel very lonely.

grannyannie on 07/15/2020:
Yes, tomorrow is another day. You'll get back on track.

thinkpositive on 07/15/2020:
We get it. Start again.

bearcountrygg on 07/15/2020:
Just restart...it's okay!

happy-1 - Sunday Jul 05, 2020
(Just try to get back on habit and prioritize self)
Weight: 228.4

Everyone survived July 4. It was a super hard day. Pets and fireworks don't mix, and I had a big cleanup job. It wore me out and I had zero fun. Not happy that this is how my time is going, so yesterday and today I did new checklists. They don't really do anything, but at least I feel like I did something, lol. 

Trying a new format for food logging where I use rows for days and meals, then columns for veg, protein, complex carbs, and cheats. At least see the pattern.


Chocolate protein powder, instant espresso, almond milk (Delicious)

1/2 a frozen thin crust cheese pizza + spinach + mushrooms

No sugar added, vanilla ice cream

Progress as of today: 88.6 lbs lost so far, only 68.4 lbs to go!

grannyannie on 07/06/2020:
Good idea to log your food that way.

KathyBlue on 07/06/2020:
Oh yeah, pets and fireworks :( Every year, animal shelters and associations try to call attention of owners and other people to be responsible about their and others' animals... It must be the same everywhere...

bearcountrygg on 07/06/2020:
I'm switching things up again myself this week.....boredom sets in for me...or maybe I just haven't found the right fit to stay interested....not sure...but I could see it all coming right back on again again if I slack.....been there done that!

Horn_of_plenty on 07/06/2020:
if the current logging format of meals is not appealing, it's good you are trying something new :)

sorry your pets were so scared!

Maria7 on 07/07/2020:
Our neighbor did the fireworks. I guess our chickens didn't know what to think, nor our cats. Hope you have a good day.

happy-1 - Thursday Jul 02, 2020
(Just try to get back on habit and prioritize self)
Weight: 228.4

Things to get after today, in any order:

1. Just get up and face the day, despite the exish not having invited me to his birthday yet, or possibly at all - Knocked him in the head till we made plans


3. Critical errands to do today:

    3A. Pharmacy - Done
    3B. Amazon returns
           i) Pack items
           ii) USPS - Done
           iii) UPS - Tomorrow
           iv) Fedex - Done


5. 1 item of critical business

    5A. Dad business session. Filing his papers. Call to a company that is messing up - Done
    5B. My stuff. My papers.

6. 1 item of household management:

     6A. Pick up bedroom. How does this chaos keep happening? - Done
     6B. Clean out and organize fridge
     6C. Kitchen floor
     6D. Tower in Dad's bedroom
     6E. Garden (after hose washer delivery though... leak is depressing)
     6F. Flies. Where are they coming from?
     6G. Find tarps to put down for bedroom floor and dog.

7. To feel better

     7A. Another round of straight Metally to try and get rid of more black dye
     7B. Clean up the gantt plan I made for my life
     7C. Paint my toes.
     7D. Order a third summer dress in a happy pattern - Done
     7E. Try on jersey maxi dress from Shein order. Fingers crossed.

8. Prioritize getting to bed on time.


Almond milk, instant espresso

blueberries, cottage cheese


stevia soda

entire bag of potato chips (oops)

2 apricots



Progress as of today: 88.6 lbs lost so far, only 68.4 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 07/02/2020:
glad you finally tried fresh apricots! i love them a lot!

i'm glad you are getting organized...got a lot done as usual when you type your lists!

your #7 list is fun! :)

i also find that going to bed early helps a LOT for me the next morning!!!

Donkey on 07/03/2020:
I'm a big fan of lists too :-)

happy-1 - Thursday Jul 02, 2020
(Just try to get back on habit and prioritize self)
Weight: 228.4

Had a really decent day today. I even put on a pretty dress, makeup and tried to do something with my hair. The effect was decent. I ate 2 salads. I controlled other temptations.

The caregiver came today so I was able to go down and see the Ex-ish for long enought to watch a movie and hang out after. It was just to watch a dumb movie... but oh the infinite luxury of another person to sit and watch a stupid movie with when you are really down. It was more fun than a rock concert at Disneyland.

It's his birthday on Sunday. Last year, I gave him tickets to a horror convention and all it entailed to go... which bombed horribly and laid the foundation for our 60 day no-contact breakup... So this year... I dunno. I bought a Letterkenny DVD set off Amazon that gets here Friday. Not a really great, extravagent thing... but at least something to unwrap. He had his closet door open and I saw the gift bags from Christmas and Valentine's Day there, neatly folded. Seemed odd. I didn't think that meant much to him... Or maybe he's just frugal.

I wish it didn't feel like "if he doesn't invite me to his birthday, he's just not that into me." I know I turn into a puddle and want to crawl into a hole if anyone asks me what I want to do for my birthday. I would practically rather run headlong into a pole than have anyone go to any effort to do anything related to my birthday... or be expected to be happy that day in any way, shape or form.

I did not get nearly enough time with their dog though. Such a good girl.

My poor girl did not do so well with the caregiver... She has the runs and pooped the rug. I hope the caregiver comes back.


Coffee, almond milk


2 pieces pizza, 1 hot wing, 1 apple cookie, 1 piece bitter chocolate, 2 dark chocolate cherries. I left the bag of dark chocolate cherries with him. He is a walking appetite and can have the calories.

Dad's ice cream

another salad

3 apricots

In bed.. 12 AM Still hungry... hmmm


Progress as of today: 88.6 lbs lost so far, only 68.4 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 07/02/2020:
just don't base your self worth off how exish reacts to your gift :) that's nice of you to get him something !!! have fun whatever you do!

loving seeing all the apricots :)

happy-1 on 07/02/2020:
Thanks. Good reminder.

I don't think I ever had fresh apricots before this year. Delicious!

happy-1 - Tuesday Jun 30, 2020
(Just try to get back on habit and prioritize self)
Weight: 228.4

Woke up infinitely sad and lonely this morning which is not a useful emotion. Smack in the face. Onwards and upwards.

Got a lot done yesterday in spite of myself. I was up on time, roughly, also in spite of myself (ADHD Internet rathole, stayed up till 1:30am looking for birthday gift ideas for the Ex-ish, but had been trying to go to bed since 9:00pm. Ugh.) 

10AM. Need to puzzle out what will move me forward today.

1. Strand tests for hair color remover. - Done

2. Deal with a) "I miss my mom" frog in throat moments, b) horrible anxiety that Ex-ish will be off on adventures in 6mos and I will still be stuck here. I've asked him for help with a couple of things here and there and it never goes well. He freaks out in about 30 min and I need to abandon any effort in progress. c) Choke down quarantine loneliness. Focus on changing the things I can. - Work in progress, daily.

3. Focus on printing Amazon return slips - Done.

4. Shower, check strand results - Done. Didn't work.

5. Lunch - Done.

6A. Wait for UPS delivery - Done

6B. Do personal paperwork while waiting - I added too much here... Tomorrow?

6C - Do return drop offs... Post Office, UPS, FEDEX. Home Depot run and supermarket? - I added too much here... Tomorrow?

6D. Go to post office anyway - done

7. Walk dog. - Skipped. Got too bummed about my hair.

8A. Water garden. - Done

8B. See if I have the will to work the worm castings into one planter bed and plant all the potatoes that sprouted. -  I added too much here... Tomorrow?

9. Attack kitchen floor and finish the project if order arrives today. It will feel so much better to look at a finished project. - Started. 

10. Do something to feel good... A pedicure. Something. - Done. Forgot this was on here... I did another round of the Metally and added some 40v peroxide. I think I got it up to a level 4/5.

3 things are possible in a day. 5 is a stretch. 10 is impossible. But I can try


B: Coffee and almond milk, a little chocolate syrup.

B2: 1/4 of a frozen pizza

Snack: 1/4 of a frozen pizza

L: 1/4 of a frozen pizza

Snack: Chocolate

Dinner: 1/4 of a frozen pizza, spinach, hamburger patty, hummus, carrots

Extra meals: pasta with olive oil and pepper. My feelings.

Progress as of today: 88.6 lbs lost so far, only 68.4 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 06/30/2020:
Losing a parent is one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with......and the feeling still shows up often......I take comfort that they are up there, out of pain and watching over us and that I will see thm again someday....((HUGS))

happy-1 on 06/30/2020:
I swear this site is saving my sanity. I never realized how LONELY I would be without her. She was the one who made us laugh and feel good. Jumping on here when it just seems too lonely and leaving some ideas or notes just really helps.

Horn_of_plenty on 06/30/2020:
I also fall down the ADHD internet hole! so easy to waste time on it inbetween tasks and hw!

happy-1 on 06/30/2020:
Right? I need an electric shock whenever I go off task. Can someone invent that?

KathyBlue on 07/01/2020:
huh what is the ADHD internet rathole? :)

Maria7 on 07/01/2020:
Wow, Sweetheart, what a looooong list. Whatever you did get done is a plus, just remember that. Everything doesn't have to be perfect, just 'managed' as there is only so much we humans can do each day. Love ya.

happy-1 - Monday Jun 29, 2020
(Just try to get back on habit and prioritize self)
Weight: 228.4

One foot in front of the other. Meeting minimum goals for today, but not knocking it out of the park on any level.

Did manage to tackle some paperwork for dad that I had stalled out on completely. OMG. Forward momentum.



Breakfast: Last of the yogurt raisins

Snack: 1/2 the glass (Almond milk, instant espresso)

Lunch: Leftovers from last night... Pasta, sauce, chicken (oil, breadcrumbs), spinach, cheese




Progress as of today: 88.6 lbs lost so far, only 68.4 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 06/29/2020:
i'm loving all the raisins and dried fruits as of late ;) it's nice while i stay home!

happy-1 on 06/30/2020:
Right? Comfort food.

bearcountrygg on 06/30/2020:
I'm thinking craisins lately....I have some...there is something about those dried fruits that I love in the summer.....not messy...and a good snack

happy-1 on 06/30/2020:
Cranberries and dark chocolate are meant to go together.

Maria7 on 06/30/2020:
Glad you are doing well and hope you have a good day.

happy-1 on 06/30/2020:
Hugs. TY. I will adopt your positive attitude

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