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happy-1 - Sunday Jun 28, 2020
(Just try to get back on habit and prioritize self)
Weight: 228.4

Braved the scale yesterday and it read 228.4. that's a 1.4 lb  weight fluctuation, but the right trend anyway.

Slept with earplugs in, got a full night's sleep. Dog pooped her bed again but it was a fair trade.

Went down to the Ex-ish's yesterday. Got to spend some good quality time with the malinois... So smart. She remembered me, came and showed me her toy (which means she likes me and was happy to see me), actually did sit/down/rollover all the way through this time (show off), and later when I told her I thought she was very smart and if I had a choice between sniffing bombs and sufing a family couch, I would absolutely have made the same choice. She gave me the longest, deepest eye contact. Thre was definitely the feeling of an alien intelligence with any dog, but the definite feeling of a very, very, very smart dog. I actually got embarrassed and looked away, at which point she flopped over in the grass and offered her tummy up for rubs.

It was nice to see the Ex-ish too. I dunno what our options are to continue the relationship given that we both take care of a parent and live there, my dog needs a lot of care and it is hard to be away even for more than a couple of hours... But I don't need to figure all that out right now to watch a funny movie.

It's the Ex-ish's birthday next week. Not sure what to do for it or get him.

This week, the organizer comes to help me finish 2 boxes of mom's papers and get other critical things in order.

I promised dad a Sunday breakfast but obstinately I don't want to do it... I not only have to make it and serve it, I also have to clean up from it without a dishwasher. And it's not like it's a healthy breakfast option... ham, eggs, cheese, white potatoes, pancakes... I feel like I am digging my own grave with a fork and serving him poison on a plate.

Today, I need to get stuff done. I really do. 

1. Put in another round of the dye remover - Done, although not much came out this time I think. I can check the before photos when it's dry.

2. Water the garden - Done

3. Shower and scrub out dye remover - Done. Came off in one pass with dish detergent instead of shampoo. Only need to take one shower today.

4. Move everything into my bedroom the organizer needs to work on

5. Make brunch and clean it up (sigh) - Done. Made dinner instead.

6. Help dad with his paperwork - This was the primary plan for the day and didn't happen because dad slept the entire day. He's up raring to go at 6:30pm... That's the end of my day. I go to bed at 8pm.

7. Put up the curtain rod in his room - Done. Surprisingly sweaty

8. Get to work on that kitchen floor - Done for now. Need a different blade.

9.  Make an agenda for the week - Done enough

10. Try to eke one more usage out of the vacuum - Done. Small miracles can be worked with paper clips

And 3 things in a day is realistic... 5 is a stretch and 10 is impossible.


B: Instant espresso, almond milk, protein bar

2nd breakfast: 3 eggs, cheese, 2 pieces rye toast, unsalted butter 

Lunch: Last of the homemade turkey chili, brown rice, cheese

Snack: 2 chocolate popsicles forgotten in the freezer

Dinner: Breaded chicken fried in olive oil, pasta, homemade tomato sauce, spinach. Sunday dinner for dad but he slept through it.

Snack: Yogurt raisins

Snack, 2 creese and crackers trays, split with dog.


I did not feel like cooking tonight, but did it anyway and it wasn't as hard as I had pictured. 9 things today. Yay me.

Progress as of today: 88.6 lbs lost so far, only 68.4 lbs to go!

Donkey on 06/28/2020:
Now, suddenly, I have a craving for over easy eggs...

happy-1 on 06/28/2020:
Yum. I'm all about poached.

Horn_of_plenty on 06/28/2020:
Hi! I’d say don’t spend too much on him but enjoy the quality time with ex! Maybe if he likes movies watch one he wants to see with him!?

You sound really good. If I had some more wealth to my name, I’d hire a good cleaning person - I used to have one but decided they didn’t do enough compared to how good they originally did so I got rid of them and decided I could do just as well as save my money.

One day If my fortune / job situation changes for what I want it to do, i would redo my bathroom big time :)

You sound productive as of late and I need to dye my hair soon - I want to

happy-1 on 06/28/2020:
Noooo don't do it!!!!

happy-1 on 06/28/2020:
I mean don't dye your hair.

Only doing the work on the kitchen floor because we had a flood, all the vinyl tile popped up and I had to tear it away as much as I could so dad wouldn't trip, but the vinyl self-stick tile I put down doesn't stick if it gets hot out so I need to pull it up and put down different ones...

Horn_of_plenty on 06/28/2020:
Oh my tiles lately I noticed one is also coming up prob bc the humidity they are also self stick

happy-1 on 06/28/2020:
You can glue a single tile back down with super glue but anything more than that you might have to have the landlord replace. Food and water get trapped beneath peeling tiles and grow toxic black mold and attract roaches.

legcramps on 06/29/2020:
Oh my, that story with the malinois gets me in the hearts. I used to have a black lab when I was with an ex; my ex and I didn't have a great relationship and I cried a lot. My dog would just sit beside me while I cried. Every so often, he would turn and look at me, dead in the eyes, and I would feel EXACTLY what you describe. I too was embarrassed, for me to realize that it might be possible that this dog was more emotionally intelligent than I was. LOL

happy-1 on 06/29/2020:
Aaaaaaaaaaw. They are better than most people, that's for sure.

happy-1 - Saturday Jun 27, 2020
(Just try to get back on habit and prioritize self)
Weight: 228.4

Thanks to new high rating earplugs, I slept the whole night undisturbed by pets.

Yesterday, my vacuum cleaner, toaster oven, and main oven broke. Ugh. I can add that to the Alexa microwave I still haven't cleaned out and restored to the household, the floor I need to finish replacing, the back door that needs to be repaired, the curtain rod I need to hang, the tower I need to disassemble, the rug that needs to be deep scrubbed, and the garage that needs to be messed around with so the garage door opens. And all the paperwork I need to do. And the trip to FL I need to take. And then so on, and so on, and so on.


But I got sleep. I can deal. I have massive PMS and bloating even in my fingers... but I can deal.

So the healthier baked fritters as a "Hi, mother of the guy I am sort of vaguely seeing, don't really talk to much and just trade memes, and have no future plans with... Please think well of me. I offer you this savory appetizer and dip... and a pack of seltzer?" will need to be fried and I have nothing to absorb the oil that will coat the pan at the bottom. Maybe I should bring flowers and cookies from the store instead... Ugh. Effort.


1. Caffinate, log here, put on pants. - Done

2. Water garden and unload soil and worm castings from car. - Done

3. Clean up kitchen and attempt fritters. See how bad they are. - Skipped. It wasn't going to go well. Instead, I sorted dad's mail into trays by company. Talked to my aunt. I'm overwhelmed and exhausted and I sound that way... Everything is a project.

4. Shower, makeup, real clothes, and do something with my hair. - Done

5. Call vacuum customer service and the repair shop to see if they have the part. It's just a clip to hold the canister.. Should be doable. Buff out nails while on the phone. I've given up on polish during quarantine. - Skipped

6. Go to Ex-ish's for a couple of hours. Stop for flowers and cookies. Not planning an all day thing. - Done. Fun. Long drive though.

7. Head home. Possible 99 cent store trip in his area. They have all the good stuff... but possibly all the good garden stuff there is actually sold in January. They have som 4' shepherds hooks... but I don't want to add any more complexity. - Skipped, too tired

8. Make dinner and feed dad. - Skipped. Did all the dishes and cleaned the counters... and just got too tired to cook, especially with 2 broken ovens. I offered him pizza and he said he would have a frozen dinner.

9. Curtain rod, then pick a project if there is time... Floor or rehabbing planter beds. - Skipped, wiped

10. Prioritize going to bed on time. - Done!  

I'll stop there... because only 5 things are realistic in any given day and I am already up to 10am, and I've been sluggishly waking up for an hour and a half... and now my brain is on.

Time to put on pants.


Breakfast: Almond milk, instant coffee, chocolate syrup (so bad for me but couldn't chug it down this AM. Sour somehow.)

2nd Breakfast: 2 eggs, cheese, toast, unsalted butter 

Snack: Skipped - Hard to get time and space at home to eat. The cat wants onto my plate, my dog wants out and away when I am eating but turns down food.... and then back in again before I am done. Plus I just can't think through cooking here... there's too many unfinished projects.

Lunch: Chicken cesar salad and seltzer grabbed while out picking up flowers and cookies.

Snack: water, 3 cookies with the ex-ish

Dinner: Lean cuisine and spinach

Snack: PBJ on white

Progress as of today: 88.6 lbs lost so far, only 68.4 lbs to go!

grannyannie on 06/27/2020:
You all make me feel so fortunate that I stopped with the PMS 28 years ago!

happy-1 on 06/28/2020:
Augh. Let's have some really high stress days, eat a lot, and cry at Hallmark movies, then suddenly get really productive, then fall over into a mess, then strangely feel better a few days later.

Horn_of_plenty on 06/27/2020:
yeah,PMS is the worst! i wish to go back to my teens and early 20's when i had NO PMS symptoms whatsoever! now, i feel it!

happy-1 on 06/28/2020:
Ha. I wish.

bearcountrygg on 06/27/2020:
Like Annie......I don't miss that PMS at all...I never really had it too bad.....usually for about half a day...I'd warn D...he would nod knowingly......and steer clear of me...LOL

happy-1 on 06/27/2020:
I could murder a buffet right now

Donkey on 06/27/2020:
"Time to put on pants" - ha ha ha!

happy-1 on 06/28/2020:
We all do it eventually

happy-1 - Friday Jun 26, 2020
(Just try to get back on habit and prioritize self)
Weight: 229.8

One foot in front of the other. Several busy days in a row and didn't log.

Wednesday was surprisingly good. I stole my printer back from my dad and set his up so he could use it with new printer cartidges. Then the caregiver came and took my dad for an outing. I got to take a bath and scrub till I was soft and pink and new again. Ate a lot of junk.

Thursday, I tryed the Metally castor oil hair treatment and it actually removed some of my horrible black hair dye. Then the professional organizer came and got through 6 boxes of my mom's paper hoard. This was a harder day because I only had 3 hours of sleep under my belt. Ate a lot of junk.

So today, I was actually up at 6, but so groggy I accidentally fell asleep again and didn't wake up till 9:30/10. Any time I oversleep like this I really get screwed up. My head is just a mess and I want food. I need to go to the post office and Home Depot.

Tomorrow, I see the ex-ish. There's no meal "planned" but I don't want to show up empty handed at his mom's house... Thinking maybe some fritters with a spicy yogurt dip... I could do this recipe with some broccoi slaw... 


So then today...

1. Lunch - Forgot to eat.

2. Help dad - Got thrown off because dad went to sleep, and the cat was missing. Found the cat on our patio and fed him... He'll love it when it is set up to be a catio. I just need to get it to the point where I can spray it down once a week for fleas.

3. Post office - Done

4. 99cent store for garden and hair supplies - Done, too hot to be outside with a mask on. Came home to eat. Fed dad.

5. Home depot garden pickup - Done

6. Vons for fritter supplies - Skipped, came straight home because the cat was out and fireworks were starting.

7. Water garden, get ready for mixing worm castings into planter beds. - Skipped. Washed the cat, spent a couple of hours recovering. It's a lot of work.


10ish... Instant espresso, almond milk, protein bar

2:30ish... Southwest salad packet, cheese and deli meat snack pack,

Snack: Coconut cashews

5ish... Burger and fried pickles... Because there was a box at the 99 cent store and I couldn't resist.

7ish: 4 choc chip cookies

9ish: 2 small oranges

10ish: sleep meds, 1/2 a pbj, supplement pack


Doesn't feel like I did anything to move myself forward today. I hate that. I need to feel like I somehow made progress every day. Nothing of value completed today, but I am just going to bed. Get back on habit. Make it happen.

Super chill day without a demanding, bossy tom cat yowling at me all day long. Can I put him back outside?

Except he's so charming.

And there we are. This tom cat is my bad boyfriend.

Progress as of today: 87.2 lbs lost so far, only 69.8 lbs to go!

Thinkpositive on 06/26/2020:
Sleep is such an important part of the day- can definitely make or break my day. The fritters sound yummy!

happy-1 on 06/26/2020:
It's all about breakfast.

bearcountrygg on 06/26/2020:
Good list.....I'm suddenly sleepy a lot too.....life is so different now...

happy-1 on 06/26/2020:
Dog is having problems pooping outside... So she gets up, goes out, doesn't do her thing, then comes back inside and does i on my linoleum yoga floor (on top of my carpet). She did that twice Wednesday night and I couldn't get back to sleep... But if I don't get 5 hours I can't think. My brain is pudding. If I get too much sleep my brain is pudding. Everything is pudding. Now I want pudding.

Donkey on 06/27/2020:
My daughter has been recommending castor oil as a hair treatment for me for months now... So many benefits apparently!

happy-1 on 06/27/2020:
It's incredible... I thought I was going to have to cut off most of my hair... it was a chemical mess, gummy brillo pad texture that I couldn't get a comb through, and I had to just shove it in a super tight bun and put a hairband over it to deal. Now I can wear it down without styling, just finger smoothing.

The stuff I used is a little different because it is an oil-based detergent... Castor oil that has been sulfonated with sulphuric acid (chemical heat and physical process), making something called red turkey oil which is water soluble, used in bath bombs and other bath care. Then it is mixed with salicylic acid (like in tylenol) to make an oil-based detergent that removes stuff from your hair but also leaves it sooooo soft and strong. No protein filler needed... Which I am so glad about because protein filler make my hair snap off. Clairol used to make something called Metalex, but discontinued less profitable products and dumped it.

There is a black hair care product that is similar but has a different density and odor so it hasn't really caught on... also possibly a patent infringement so they probably don't put a ton of money into marketing...

B's Metally


It's harder than vaseline to get into your hair... Weirdly dense and holds together, has to be manually worked in by hand for even penetration. Planning to use clips to section off tiny sections, get a couple of travel bottles and then let them sit in a bowl of hot water to heat it up. Hoping it will be easier to get in there slightly warmed.

happy-1 on 06/27/2020:
And also then impossible to get out of your hair... Took 6 showers with clarifying shampoo, and it's still getting all over my pillowcases. I'm hoping that the hair steamer cap coming from Shein in a couple of weeks will help.. I think I need to put grapeseed oil on it after the 6th shampoo and steam it out before reapplying.

Gets black dye with a weird shiny color shift out of blonde hair though... And takes built up mineral deposits off your faucets...

Horn_of_plenty on 06/27/2020:
Now that I’m not working, even waking up by 8am seems early lol....that’s why I am starting to do it every day and will start getting up I think even earlier to get back to what my routine will be sooner or later (back to work sooner or later I mean!)

Nice job organizing ! That’s a wonderful person to have around ! I certainly could use one !

happy-1 - Thursday Jun 25, 2020
(Just try to get back on habit and prioritize self)
Weight: 229.8

Miraculously, I had a good day.

I did't gt evrything done that I wanted to but the only 2 things that I had to do I did... plus I wove up, got coffee and sat on the patio with my dog while I drank it, then got dad off with the caregiver to go to the grocery store and I took a bath. A wonderful bath where you get time to scrub and fluff everything then slather things with Vaseline so they are pink and soft and ready to be polished and painted.

I am now craving cotton gloves that I can use on my hands. Preferably touchscreen.

Progress as of today: 87.2 lbs lost so far, only 69.8 lbs to go!

grannyannie on 06/25/2020:
Good to hear!

happy-1 on 06/26/2020:

KathyBlue on 06/25/2020:
coffee with the dog on the patio sounds awesome :) And the wonderful bath sounds even better!

happy-1 on 06/26/2020:
OMG... I've never had such a total reversal from hell to heaven. I wrote a nice note about the caregiver to the owner of the agency and they are using my testimonial and featuring her on the website. I stole my printer back, created a 7hr family drama, she started her shift, took one look at me and took him for an outing. I think I love her.

Horn_of_plenty on 06/25/2020:
I’ve been sitting outside in the sun most days too! Sometimes it’s just in the shade but either way I love the breeze and not being inside all day !

legcramps on 06/25/2020:
It's finally been warm enough to sit outside on the deck in the mornings, but the rain keeps threatening so I haven't been able to put out my patio cushions! Argh, always something stopping me from enjoying that deck!!

happy-1 - Tuesday Jun 23, 2020
(Just try to get back on habit and prioritize self)
Weight: 229.8

Fell off everything since Friday after the caregiver left till this morning. Have spent days sleeping 11-12h at a shot, eating too much and on the internet researching how to fix my hair and what tops I could order cheaply. I basically just sat here online searching in an ADHD rathole.

Had the awkward conversation with her yesterday that I didn't sign up for summer session at the community college because some days I just don't get out of bed any more... and an accelerated 5 week session is probably not the place to start... A normal semester would be a lot easier to start with.

Exhaustion? Depression? Don't know. Just have to slap myself in the face, get out of my pajamas, and figure out what I can do with the rest of today. It is 2pm... Thank you for letting me brain dump here...

Here are the projects I can easily pick up and work on today. So what should I do to move forward?

Clean my room

No matter what else is higher priority, I always seem to start here. Like my brain isn't in order unless this is handled. 

Why is it always such a mess by the time I fall asleep, no matter what I do.

Go to the 99cent store

Mostly down because my hair is so bad. I found this article with another woman facing the exact same issue and identical fade pattern in the dye on her hair... https://www.haircrazy.com/forum/dyeing/9985/how-do-i-go-from-rusty-red-hair-to-medium-ash-brown/ 

If I start here, that bottle will be waiting for me to shower and give me hope the rest of the day.

Make dad dinner and wash the dishes

Dad wants hamburgers for dinner. If I put them in the toaster oven, I can wash dishes at the same time. Where the sinkfuls and counterfulls of dishes come from I do not know.

Order worm castings for the planter beds

I need to prepare the soil in the beds to plant the rest of mom's garden. It's a blocker. Have been waiting for nursery to get them in but they aren't getting any shipments. Have to order from home depot.

Requires also writing a thank you note.

Search the garage for ratchet bit driver before ordering online

I have super sore hands from trying to take apart some shelves in my dad's room so he can move his desk in there and have some AC before it gets punishingly hot. I need a ratchet bit driver. I thought I had one but it might have been in the rusted tools I recycled. I could look in the garage for it. There's a lot to move out of the way to do that.

Pack more supplements

Which for some reason I am not taking daily, even the ones that are packed, and I know they are on the path to feeling better. But I don't.

Go through receipts for expenses for reimbursement

A long arduous task, but essential on my path to freedom.

Sort out returns and put them in the car

I have a bunch of stuff to return. It is not packed up with return slips which I need to print and mail. Kind of need dad to go to bed and get out of the living room to do it.

Pull remaining boxes of paper out of the middle bedroom for organizer Thursday

There are 6 more boxes of papers to shred or toss. I am having the organizer go through them for me because all I do is cry and it takes me a day to get through a 1/4 of a box.

Transplant succulent buds to shot glasses

I have a bunch of succulent leaves that happened to successfully spawn buds. I need to get them out of the bed and into some red solo keg cups before I do the worm castings in the beds.


Look at that. Magic. I dump out here and get back on track.

So far I have :

  • Cleaned my room
  • Gotten myself to eat something
  • Caught the cat before he puked on the rug
  • Vacuumed the house
  • Started the daily laundry load
  • Showered
  • Dressed
  • Picked up mail
  • Gone to the store for shampoo and dinner stuff
  • Made dinner, washed dishes, started second load of laundry
  • Watered garden, tied up 2 more tomato plants
  • Reheated dinner for dad
  • Fed the pets
  • Taken a real break (Why does everything seem so overwhelming?) and unfortunately also ate 8 cookies and a glass of almond milk
  • Submitted my order for Shein... Hair stuff for getting dye out they had cheap, a shirt, dress, bras, headband
  • Updated here
  • Ordered worm castings and soil for pickup at Home Depot.
  • ... Brain fry... 9:30pm... Decided just to go to bed
  • Ate a ton of stuff I shouldn't have eaten

Not really a full day's work but more than I did the last several days... Except yesterday when I tried to tackle the shelves on my own without the right tools. That was... a learning experience.


Up 5AM, but went back to bed for some unknown reason. 10AM moving. 2PM slap in the face to be productive.

B: 2 protein waffles with unsalted butter, iced coffee (almond milk, instant espresso, chocolate powder, stevia) 

Snack: Skipped, in adhd rathole

L: Skipped, in adhd rathole

Snack: I should get off the computer and eat something now.

Snack: Leftover turkey chili, brown rice, hot sauce, cilantro, green onions, tomato

D: Made dad burgers for dinner. Bun, patty, 1/2 slice cheese, low sodium ketchup. 1/2 bag of sweet potato fries

Snack: Unfortunately... 8 cookies and a glass of almond milk

Snack: If I am hungry, I should eat something real, right? Turkey sandwich on rye with chese, lettuce, tomato, mustard

Snack: Still hungry... blueberry protein waffle PBJ.


Progress as of today: 87.2 lbs lost so far, only 69.8 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 06/23/2020:
There always seem to be plenty of things to do don't there? My order of operations usually goes like this.... Bath, dress, what has to be done today then do it. What brings money in...do it, what bills go out, pay them, comfort to anyone in the house hinges on it...that's next, stop and do something that just makes me feel good, anything that only takes a couple of minutes, then do that. anything that involves others needs get it done, phone calls, always eat as needed throughout the day for energy. If I need an afternoon nap than take one. Then I look at the rest of the list and try to pick one thing that I will still get done...after that...I usually do what I want for the rest of the day.....it works for me.....but may not work for others.....some days...i admit...I just vege!

happy-1 on 06/23/2020:
So your order is...

Get up, get dressed, set agenda Take care of business Take care of bills Take care of the household Eat as needed Make your calls Take a nap Do the rest of the list And if you can't do anything... just veg.

Donkey on 06/23/2020:
You always seem, to me, to get so much done! *applause applause*

happy-1 on 06/23/2020:
Doesn't feel like it, but thank you.

grannyannie on 06/24/2020:
I'm not being very ambitious at all. Good for you for doing so much.

bearcountrygg on 06/24/2020:

Horn_of_plenty on 06/24/2020:
I gotta tell you, the best thing about an accelerated course is S that you can get it done QUICK! Yeah, it’s intense but then it’s done !

happy-1 - Friday Jun 19, 2020
(Just try to get back on habit and prioritize self)
Weight: 229.8

Always astonished at the subtle lift and will to do better and more that comes from time with the Ex-ish. Last night I made a healthy turkey chili for the week, played music, tidied up, gave the pets a rub and flea control, and went to bed in real pajamas. Today my body battery was up to 91%. Stiff and sore, but mentally all there. Even using my habit tracker to get me up and through my day.

Focus for today is to make progress on getting my dad's desk into his bedroom, sweep up the patio so the cat can be outside with his dog, and stocking groceries for meal prep for me and dinners dad likes. I'm super excited for Sam's Club curbside pickup to start on the 23rd... but need to make stuff in the meantime. ----


Scratch that... I worked on getting my dad's room ready for his desk to move in there, then he decided to go out with the caregiver a second time this week... which meant I could work on getting the blck dye out of my hair some more. I used another round of oops color remover on it and accomplished a solid orange band where I have been dyieing since the mystery box dye "clown orange " fiasco occurred... and then the rest is a super dark metallic purple. I then spent the next 5 hours digging through the Internet for conversations on exactly this issue... and discovered that Clairol used to make a product called Metallex that solved this issue... and stopped. However... there is a Jamaican red turkey oil that smells foul but will do the same thing. Also possibly Rusk Elinin8 after that might do the trick. Ordered... because one thing was crystal clear during the Coronapocalypse.... I want to stop dyeing my hair.

So I'll just do a million at home color corrections, slap something on that approximates my root color... and then probably bleach it blonde. And then dye it pink. 


Slept 10 hours. Up 8ish, too sore to move till 10:30... Even to make instant coffee.

B: Too many coconut cashews while I waited to be functional and start my day. 

L: lean cuisine +  spinach 

D: turkey chili, crackers 

snack: grapefruit 

snack: 2 ice cream sandwiches 

Progress as of today: 87.2 lbs lost so far, only 69.8 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 06/19/2020:
91 on your battery! That’s so much better than it was I think when you left us? You are doing great !!!

You sound good, stay busy!!!

happy-1 on 06/20/2020:
One foot in front of the other

Donkey on 06/20/2020:
^ I echo what Horn says :-)

happy-1 on 06/23/2020:

Donkey on 06/20/2020:
I also hear ya on your comment. It's one day at a time. Make progress on the good days. Hold on tight and push through the bad.

grannyannie on 06/20/2020:
Keep going, doing well!

innerpeace on 06/23/2020:
Pink! YAY

happy-1 - Thursday Jun 18, 2020
(Just try to get back on habit and prioritize self)
Weight: 229.8

Sucking it up, buttercup.

This AM, I got myself to eat 2 healthy meals, talked to therapist, then showered, tried on 10 outfits, and finally sucked it up to see the Ex-ish. Tried to go to the nature center... There were too many people there... He latched onto that instead, we should go to my storage unit and get the furniture that is supposed to make my life so much better. We got the furniture, didn't argue too much. It wasn't the fun day out I had hoped for... but at least I can get my dad's desk into his room where there is air conditioning and out of the living room so that I can stop stressing about opening my bedroom door to get something to eat or let my dog out. Get a little bit more done every day. Turn stuff around.

Good to tear off the band aid on seeing the Ex-ish again. I didn't get to see his brother's dog this time. She's such a great dog. I was really looking forward to that. Woof.

He lives in the next county over... Which was... Normal. It was so weird to not see boarded up stores, shot up stop signs, firecracker residue, clean streets, and no lines at the grocery stores. People had on masks, but otherwise... Normal.

It's 6:15pm. Everything hurts and I am worn out. I need to cook dinner for the pets... and Dad. Mostly the pets. Mom's legacy to me. Before I lived here, my dog was perfectly happy with my weekly slow cooker doggie dinner of beef, rice, and veggies. Then my mom spoiled her and she demands a home cooked meal every night. The cat got used to that really fast and has forgotten that he was once a stray alley dweller grateful for dry kibble. Now as soon as Alexa starts playing my radio show at night, the cat, the dog, and my dad all start staring at me and asking what is for dinner.

Thanks, Mom. We'll talk about this when I see you on the other side.

Calgon take me away.


B1: almond milk, instant espresso... goes to the 80'%

B2: 2 eggs, spinach, bean mix, enchilada sauce, avocado. Working on the other 80%

L: Chicken salad... had I known it would be fried chicken I would have ordered something else, but... now I know. Is this 80% or the 20%? If I ordered it thinking I was getting something healthy but ate it anyway when I saw that it wasn't? But in COVID-19, didn't want to ask them to remake it??? I'm counting this toward the 80% because I thought a cobb salad would be ok.

Snack: 4 mini ice cream sandwiches. Emotional overwhem from recovering from seeing the Ex-ish. Definitely the 20%

D: 2 cups of veggie-packed extra spicy turkey chili which I made for myself for the week, even though dad will hate it, not eat any, and be mad at me for making something he doesn't like even though there is a freezer full of meals I have made for him. Suck it up, buttercup.

Snack:Kombucha, 4 pcs raisin toast w cream cheese, 4 ice cream bars


Progress as of today: 87.2 lbs lost so far, only 69.8 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 06/18/2020:
Looking really good happy. I may start buying the instant coffee mix myself, instead of the already made cold coffee...it'd safe me a lot of money.

happy-1 on 06/18/2020:
Or just have it on hand when you run out. This Cafe Bustelo instant espresso is surprisingly decent. Nothing is ever as good as real coffee, but I don't mind this stirred directly into almond milk to start my day.

happy-1 on 06/18/2020:
I mean, not as good as the Starbucks Via packets, but a billion times better than Folgers.

bearcountrygg on 06/18/2020:
I just opened a jar of instant coffee too......not bad!

happy-1 on 06/18/2020:
What brand?

Donkey on 06/19/2020:
Good to know about the Cafe Bustelo instant coffee. Brand matters 100% when choosing instant. Stay away from generic. Folgers is kind of bitter. I lined Tasters Choice but I don't know if they sell that any more.

I may give the Bustelo a try.

Donkey on 06/19/2020:
Also, regarding a previous post about seeing yourself on a Zoom meeting: saw the back of my legs during Zoom yoga last night... horrifying.

happy-1 on 06/19/2020:
Ha ha ha ha... you need harem pants. I can testify that these are amazing, stay in place, and hide whatever needs to be hidden. Get your OM on Women's Super Soft Modal Spandex Harem Yoga Pilates Capri Pants,Large,Black


bearcountrygg on 06/19/2020:
I think mine is a store brand...nothing special...but not a name brand.

Horn_of_plenty on 06/19/2020:
yeah i've heard good things about Bustelo

the instant is made in a special process of like freeze drying or something i think...maybe better to use at home.

happy-1 - Wednesday Jun 17, 2020
(Just try to get back on habit and prioritize self)
Weight: 229.8

Today Dad went out with the caregiver and I got the bathroom to myself for an hour. I did another round of getting the black dye out of my hair (4 down, 9 more to go) and got to exfoliate. I feel almost human. Next step is a home manicure and pedicure. Try to at least look like I have tried to maintain myself during quarantine instead of sit around and eat junk food.

So when dad said, "Hey do you wanna get a pizza?" I almost went for it... Then I realized I've had pizza 2x in the last 2 days because I looked at it here... and I instantly thought... No. Maybe not. Then I ate leftover mac and cheese and had another ice cream sandwich... So I said screw it... ordered a salad that was too expensive from the lebanese place next door and went and picked up a pizza for him. He is having pizza and I am eating my first real dose of veggies since quarantine started.

Then I had some of his pizza... sigh.


Seeing the Ex-ish tomorrow for the first time since quarantine started. It's been too long, I look terrible, and I'm not in good enough shape to do anything. Still getting up to go see him anyway. I can do this.


B: Almond milk, espresso

L: Chicken thigh, seltzer 

Snack: Grapefruit, seltzer

Snack: 2 ice cream sandwiches

Snack: Mac n cheese, 1 ice cream sandwich... maybe I should have done the pizza.

Dinner: Chicken kale salad... and pizza. Seltzer 

Extra late night snacks: 2 more ice cream sandwiches  

Progress as of today: 87.2 lbs lost so far, only 69.8 lbs to go!

KathyBlue on 06/18/2020:
Maybe, out of frustration on deciding not having a pizza, you got that snack in. I fully relate to that... sometimes self-restriction is painful and counter-productive. Because many times that food we denied, we keep thinking about it (obsessions) and we eat other foods to comfort for the "loss" and at the end we end up having the food because "ahh screw_it, I already had so many junk in today, I will restart tomorrow". At least this is what I feel. But hey, the exfoliation and the manicure&pedicure sound great. Take some beauty time for yourself.. :)

happy-1 on 06/18/2020:
Yeah, when I was working with the nutritionist, she said that if you are having a craving, just have the thing and scratch the itch to get over it or everything goes off plan.

Donkey on 06/18/2020:
Pizza is a hard one to resist because of the aroma, in my opinion. Plus, like KathyB said above, restriction can sometimes backfire.

I hope you have a positive encounter with the Ex.

happy-1 on 06/18/2020:
Ex-ish... in that category since November, lol. As long as I am in my current living situation, that’s really the best I can do as far as relationships go. When he and I met, I was in much better physical shape and ready to go back to work. Mom’s chemo, hospice, passing, Dad hospitalizations, recovery, cleaning out the house, sorting out business stuff, and my physical decline from not taking care of myself has me one step above a vegetative state. But hey... still one step above and I can work on that. Get back to relationship-ready.

Grannyannie on 06/18/2020:
Pizza is very hard to resist!

happy-1 on 06/18/2020:
I’ve got two pizza splurges a week in my plan, but did last night because I’ve been awful to him pushing him onto the caregiver to get out of the house so I could do another round of color remover and tie up the bathroom for an hour and a half. I definitely did not need multiple ice cream sandwiches.

bearcountrygg on 06/18/2020:
I agree with everyone above...pizza is a tough one to ignore.

happy-1 on 06/18/2020:
It’s not the pizza splurges that are the problem... it’s all the other meals that aren’t veggies, complex carbs, dairy free, and lean protein. I need to get back to 80% on plan.

happy-1 - Tuesday Jun 16, 2020
(Just try to get back on habit and prioritize self)
Weight: 229.8

Oh wow. Saw myself on Zoom video chat last night... and it's bad. I have a date Thursday with the ex-ish and I might need to chicken out. Quarantine has not been kind. I fell off makeup, hair, nails, yoga, healthy eating, and supplements.

It's all just so... shocking.

Glad to be back here.

I'm looking at my little ziploc bag of vitamins and I wonder how I ever managed to suck those down every day like it was just as easy as brushing my teeth. I know they are the fundamentals of getting my neck to feel better and my body to start moving again... But it just seems like such a big task.

Bottoms up.


Smacking myself in the face. First overcast day in weeks and I don't want to waste it. Such a relief... Why do I live in Southern California if I hate heat, sun, and dry weather?

I think I will focus on the things it is incredibly hard to do in full sun... Try the roof bag on my car, tidy up the in-progress garden, and start on replacing the kitchen linoleum. In that order.

Grr... get after it.



Up: 6:40am

Breakfast: instant mocha latte (instant espresso, almond milk, chocolate syrup), coconut cashews

Snack: was going to have grapefruit but I forgot and went out to conquer tasks.

Lunch: Got too hungry and ended up eating 1/2 a frozen pizza and a 1/2 a ginger kombucha.

Snack: Seltzer and chocolate almonds after a stressful encounter with my dad who is obsessed with getting me to put his car on my insurance and won't take no for an answer.

Dinner: DIY cheeseburger with ketchup 


Progress as of today: 87.2 lbs lost so far, only 69.8 lbs to go!

grannyannie on 06/16/2020:
I know how you feel. I was doing badly with quarantine and indulging in Doritos, beer and other snacks. Then grief eating and drinking even more alcohol. Back on track now.

happy-1 on 06/16/2020:
Pizza, chocolate, and burgers are all I want to eat. It’s like spinach is too overwhelming.

bearcountrygg on 06/16/2020:
I keep hoping that by creating new healthier habits that they will over ride the destructive ones.....it's a constant battle.....

happy-1 on 06/16/2020:
Right?????? I feel like I am always fighting against a tide of people with super unhealthy habits.

Donkey on 06/16/2020:
^I agree with the 2 ladies above. I'm a pretty plain person and an introvert - and yet I've had problems making the adjustment to the new normal. I really miss going to the library, lol...

happy-1 on 06/16/2020:
Right???? Like I can't get any downtime for my brain to recharge. There's no "alone" time to reboot. If you go see your friends you are risking catching COVID. How on earth are you supposed to make new friends and meet new people right now?

Donkey on 06/16/2020:
I'd like to add that maybe try to make changes in baby steps.

happy-1 on 06/16/2020:
Yeah. Positive changes today were just taking supplements and logging what I ate.

happy-1 - Monday Jun 15, 2020

Weight: 229.8

 Was up at 6 like a human being. Yay me.

Aphids have invaded. I armed myself today with Neem oil spray and the slaughter starts at 1600. Mom’s garden does not have enough natural attractants for me to release and retain ladybugs.

Focus today is on protecting the plants... then whatever small self care tasks I can knock out.


b: 2 eggs, cheese, veg, 2 waffles, seltzer 

l: 2/3 of a frozen pizza

snack: seltzer, chocolate coconut almonds... procrastin-eating instead of tackling important tasks

snack: seltzer and grapefruit. How did I forget how good grapefruit is?

snack: 2 blueberry waffles, 2 eggs, cheese, unsalted buter

dinner: diy cheeseburger. I will make dad one tomorrow

Progress as of today: 87.2 lbs lost so far, only 69.8 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 06/15/2020:
Bug season...we are fighting tent worms now...they are all over the house and everything.....Good luck with the aphids........lady bugs.......cute but taste disgusting!!!!!! We had sloppy joes for dinner one day.....as I was cleaning up the kitchen...i noticed a piece of sloppy joe meat on my top...popped it in my mouth...IT WAS NOT SLOPPY JOE MEAT...IT WAS A LADY BUG.....and it was disgusting!

happy-1 on 06/15/2020:
LOL... I will definitely not go licking them.

Supposedly they secrete a foul oil when they get scared so if you eat one, you will swear off any of their relatives.

happy-1 on 06/15/2020:
And UGH caterpillars that turn into moths that breed in your pantry goods... yuck.

Horn_of_plenty on 06/15/2020:
Good morning Human!

I don’t like bugs either !!!

happy-1 on 06/16/2020:
Good morning sunshine!

Go forth and conquer.

grannyannie on 06/16/2020:
We get up at 6 every morning. Don't have to, but we do. Try a soapy water spray for the aphids. Our problem in our garden is slugs.

happy-1 on 06/16/2020:
It makes life so much better. I'm trying for 4 in the morning so I get moving at 6. It takes me a long time to get my brain together.

Donkey on 06/16/2020:
Aphids - ewwww!

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