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happy-1 - Wednesday Oct 03, 2018
(Change all through C, track time, pain, and food)
Weight: 220.7

Yoga teacher today says that I look like a completely different person now since I started and that I carry myself with a completely different energy. I feel amazing and that is a non-scale victory I will absolutely take.

No weigh in today, forgot, but Day 10 of my Graindart streak of having my **** together.

I got things done. I even wore heels. I put my street clothes back on after yoga tonight so that I can continue kicking ass and taking names. Let’s get all this crap done that has been weighing me down and making me cry. I’m not losing one more opportunity for happiness.

Also a little proud of myself for buying a birthday card and lotto tikets and leaving it for Erica (waitress) with Shawn (waiter) and doing it without writing it down on my list the day I planned to do it and without making it overly complicated. A few weeks ago that would have been all I got done this week :)

A little freaked out about my GP appointment next week... partially because I feel like I will suddenly just have a whole new list of problems after I go. Partially because I desperately don’t want to get bad news. Partially because I am going to ask about fertility testing. I always assumed I was off the list for being someone anyone wanted to have kids with at 35. And dating was always so awful I just couldn’t even see bothering with fertility testing because nobody decent was looking at me for any of that. The only guys that have ever been interested in me didn’t want kids. But a great guy that wants that and looked at me and said “maybe her”... Augh it is messing with my head.

Progress as of today: 96.3 lbs lost so far, only 14.7 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 10/04/2018:
What a lovely compliment from your yoga teacher!

Day #10! impressive! I am also very impressed by you and Grains as of late! You both are motivating me to keep on! and be positive!

Heals! how nice! whenever i'm wearing heals...yeah, i'm decked out!

thoughtful to think of others on their bday...i'm quite positive they'll be pleasantly surprised!! :)

Try to not fall head over heals into a guy at the beginning...get to know him....you be your positive self ...try not to let guys or events change your self worth and positivity.

happy-1 on 10/04/2018:
I'm not in love with him, LOL. I'm just super flattered. It's a HUGE ego and morale boost to have been contacted by him on OKcupid... and I've been struggling to identify what I want to do and what my 5 year goals should be. It's like going on vacation and looking at the real estate office posters and seeing an incredible deal on the perfect house... but you aren't ready to buy it.

It's more of a nose punch from God to wake up and see the possibilities when you've been so down you couldn't see any possibilities.

BearCountryGG on 10/04/2018:
Pure Happiness!!!!

happy-1 - Wednesday Oct 03, 2018
(Change all through C, track time, pain, and food)
Weight: 220.7

Second post for today, but two things so shocking to me they deserve to be called out separately at the end of the day....

1) I haven’t had to lay down and “rest” at all since Friday. Friday my shoulder was out but I didn’t have to lay down for hours at all. I was losing up to 5 hours a day laying on the couch in pain for 2 years? How is that possible?

2) Out of My League Guy texted again tonight. I could swear he wasn’t into me. He wanted to go on a night hike but didn’t even try to make out with me... But is still texting???


Progress as of today: 96.3 lbs lost so far, only 14.7 lbs to go!

Donkey on 10/03/2018:
I would say with item #2, to just enjoy the company. We can always use another friend in this world, if nothing else.

happy-1 on 10/03/2018:
Yeah, I know. But it’s hard not to hope that an amazing guy who wants kids wants me too and hopes crushed leads to depression. And at the same time I am kicking myself for every wrong path I have ever taken that the first guy I met that was awesome that looked at me and said “Maybe her” I am not ready for and possibly out of time to have kids with.

horn_of_plenty on 10/03/2018:
I agree with Donkey...on #2

and for #1, i'm glad you are better with your time management :)

happy-1 on 10/04/2018:
I can think again now that my neck feels better.

Hugs. Really glad I have you guys to talk to in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep and I have angst.

BearCountryGG on 10/03/2018:
#1...yoga helping stretch tight muscles? #2.....I agree with the others...friends are good to have.

happy-1 on 10/04/2018:
Yeah... just weird because I’m not on his list of future moms and I forgot how badly I wanted that at one point.

Maria7 on 10/03/2018:
Hoping you are feeling much better today.

happy-1 on 10/04/2018:
So much better. Big hugs

happy-1 - Tuesday Oct 02, 2018
(Change all through C, track time, pain, and food)
Weight: 220.7

Day 9 of my Graindart streak. Stayed up a little too late last night by accident. Just spaced out, but still got up at a reasonable time this morning. Also, I ate half a burrito last night, and 3 corn chips, but I didn’t eat the whole burrito. I bought it because I used the facilities at a mexican place while I was waiting for yoga and didn’t want to leave without buying anything. At least I didn’t have brownies when I got home last night. I resisted and drank seltzer instead.

Still my weight was up today... probably from all the salt in that burrito.


Also had an epiphany today about something that Out Of My League Guy said while camping about a fight I had with my best friend from high school that I swear I did not understand till an hour ago and it dawned on me what she was saying. I think this guy and her husband would really get along, so I sucked it up, sent an apology to her husband and asked if I could connect them. Maybe that bridge isn’t so burned that he doesn’t just ignore it and will reply and I can offer some value in making a connection between quality people. At least that’s how the world should work, even if it doesn’t. And at least I tried. Amends to the people you have hurt.

I have the distinct suspicion that Out of My League Guy was a message from God along the lines of, “Hey, ***hat, now that I have your attention, this is what you could have had if you had stayed on track and not gotten lost in your own BS.”

Every passing minute is a chance to turn it all around, right?

Also this epiphany partially came via a path laid down by my friend from church, so I sent her a text that thanked her for all the time and effort that she has put into me, and that I would explain later and just wanted to send her good vibes in the moment.

Then I went and got an amazing burger at my favorite place. It was just the birthday of my favorite waitress... the one that is nice to me and makes me feel welcome.

And also how can I forget the DD folks who let me share my thoughts, comment, and force me to think. I am working on many things but I can only get value from them if I have a place to “think”.


Progress as of today: 96.3 lbs lost so far, only 14.7 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 10/02/2018:
Talking things out even when using a keyboard helps me process them too.

Donkey on 10/02/2018:
Wonderful epiphanies! I'm thrilled for you!

happy-1 on 10/02/2018:
Hugs. I guess. I figure it all out eventually

happy-1 - Monday Oct 01, 2018
(Change all through C, track time, pain, and food)
Weight: 220.7

Broke my plateau today by a pound at least (I weighed in after breakfast)!!!! 220.7.

Bittersweet because of a guy, but more on that later. Let's focus instead that I am on Day 8 of my Graindart streak of having my **** together, had a great camping trip, my ancient puppydog had fun, we both ate healthy and made new friends... and I came home safely. I'm even on task and working on getting my computer issues diagnosed today.

DIVINE! Can you STAND it?

Progress as of today: 96.3 lbs lost so far, only 14.7 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 10/01/2018:
lol, a GRAINDART streak! hehehe...

he is having his sh*t together too, so a good comparison!

you sound so refreshed from a good camping trip! :)

happy-1 on 10/01/2018:
OMG. I had so much fun.

BearCountryGG on 10/01/2018:
Congrats....Plateaus are a bummer!!

happy-1 on 10/01/2018:
TY! Success breeds success so I am doing my best to do my best today.

graindart on 10/01/2018:
Your streak is a day more than my current one. Easier to stay focused when you see progress on the scale. No screw-ups and you'll be out of the 220's in a matter of days. Good job.

happy-1 on 10/02/2018:
Thank you!!! Consistency is key.

Donkey on 10/01/2018:
Way to go!! And good to hear from you!

happy-1 on 10/02/2018:
Hugs! Yes. Was offline a bit with headaches, extra yoga, and getting ready for camping, then camping. Missed you guys.

happy-1 - Wednesday Sep 26, 2018
(Change all through C, track time, pain, and food)
Weight: 221.4

No weigh in, Day 3 of having it together. Splitting headache last night and today. Possibly dehydration. Fingers were like raisins on the tips and as soon as I drank water it was a lot better. I need some hot tea, but decaf and no sugar sooo.... New habit I need to figure out. Highly motivated for that today though... yoga teacher last night says my posture has really improved since I started there.

I have so much to do but I am obsessed with getting everything planned and packed for the camping trip. Part of my problem is that I want to look good because I feel good, but I don’t know how to pull off cute while camping and everything that fits me is black!!! Not cute while camping. Clearly this requires another vision board but... ugh. Time!

1 hour and 20 min before yoga tonight. How do I best use this time???? Brain keeps bouncing around and not focusing because I am hungry. Pizza. Pinterest. DD.

Progress as of today: 95.6 lbs lost so far, only 15.4 lbs to go!

horn_of_plenty on 09/27/2018:
sounds like you are racing with your thoughts. i guess you were dehydrated if your fingers were like that. have more water yes.

and the headache is also due to dehydration.

feel better :)

maybe have a protein based snack / meal to feel better.

happy-1 on 10/02/2018:
Yeah, I need something to monitor hydration levels for sure. I am not self aware enough to make the connection myself.

Donkey on 09/28/2018:

happy-1 on 10/02/2018:

happy-1 - Tuesday Sep 25, 2018
(Change all through C, track time, pain, and food)
Weight: 221.4

Woke up with zero pain, dizziness, spaciness, or headaches.My right shoulder woke up and said ow today after I hauled things out to the car... but it’s normal “I overdid it at yoga last night” pain, not “omg, what’s that burning sensation and why am I suddenly incontinent” pain. Didn’t trust it so I gave myself a slow start today... but because I felt so good when my dad woke up in a foul mood I quickly headed out to my favorite burger joint with my go box of mail and stuff I need to do to get through my day (because I had it together all day yesterday and did all my stuff at bedtime). Still need to brain dump my distractions in order to get started, but yesterday I was able to clear my brain with lower level stuff and then do 2 important things on my list like a goddamn adult... so let’s start a Graindart streak count and call it day 2 of having my **** on the road to together.

So, Day 2, no weigh in because I forgot... but the size of my ass is not as important as the ability to shake it. I missed a Yoga Class this morning but they said I can make it up tomorrow and there is another one I can grab tonight to fix my shoulder.

Fun story from last night... I was in a fantastic outfit that makes me a cute yoga babe and ran into a market to grab a salad. When I flipped on my lights, I noticed that I only had 1 headlight. Aha! I was prepared for this... so I got out my headlamp, non-conductive electric gloves, and my spare bulbs, popped the hood and changed it like goddamn Wonderwoman... superhero outfit and all because the yoga outfit was skintight and my bra is fantastic. Plus there was still plenty of time to make it to yoga, which wouldn’t have happened if I got pulled over or called AAA. I was so incredibly pleased with myself as I did it without pain, at the end of a successful day, and I had picked healthier food choices for dinner and actually been ready for each and every obstacle in front of me... AND been ready to handle a roadside emergency... I jumped for joy with my arms in the air and let out a huge “Whoo-hoo!”. There was a smattering of applause and laughter behind me and I turned to discover I had an audience of people who had been watching me. I waved like a beauty queen and went to yoga... because I am goddamn Wonderwoman and I can do anything.

Progress as of today: 95.6 lbs lost so far, only 15.4 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 09/26/2018:
lol....."but the size of my ass is not as important as the ability to shake it"....best sentence you may have ever written!

you installed a headlight? wow!

innerpeace on 09/26/2018:
You are WONDERWOMAN!! You go Girl!

happy-1 on 09/26/2018:
I love that you applauded me on this... You are a tough cookie!

BearCountryGG on 09/26/2018:
Nothing like being ready for every happening...just like a girls scout!!!

happy-1 - Tuesday Sep 25, 2018
(Change all through C, track time, pain, and food)
Weight: 221.4

No weigh in, forgot.

So Sunday in yoga I swear my neck released where I have the injury. It just kind of stretched and then dissolved/shifted like when you push on crisp plaster into termite wood and part of it just crumbles but the rest is solid... Followed by rice crispy treat cracking and popping along almost every joint all yesterday and today. The shoulder pop was scarier because it was a big crunch and I was sure I had dislocated it and aged ten years. This was shocking because it’s been frozen solid forever, pinching off my nerves and my brain. I could literally think again after class. I can even turn my head to look at the back of my shoulder. Either one. Still working on some flexibility though. Frozen down the rest of my spine for sure.

I kept it kind of simple yesterday and today...Headaches both days, spacey this morning. Nothing I planned was going to happen. I just kind of did some lower priority stuff and worked on personal organizing. I was shocked at how “on task” I was though... Not a whole lot of multiple attempts at the same task, hours passing without anything happening. Super “normal “.

Progress as of today: 95.6 lbs lost so far, only 15.4 lbs to go!

horn_of_plenty on 09/25/2018:


happy-1 - Sunday Sep 23, 2018
(Change all through C, track time, pain, and food)
Weight: 221.4


Neck and shoulder slightly better. Still spacey and sore though. OMW into an early yoga class at 10, then slogging back to church after for a “When God Says Wait” ladies thing, which sounds absolutely horrid. The only time I ever had fun at anything targeted at all ladies was a coding workshop and I suddenly realized why some women like “girls night” and even thought maybe bridal anything was a good idea. But my friend from church is organizing and I want to support her. So I am falling on my sword and taking one for the team. Augh.

Out of My League and Bad Timing Guy off OKC wants to meet up with me even though he has a cold. Noooooo!!!!

Progress as of today: 95.6 lbs lost so far, only 15.4 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 09/23/2018:
Neck problems here too....do you find yourself with your shoulders right under your ears? I know I do.

happy-1 on 09/25/2018:
Yeah, but they’ve always been under my ears so I was shocked when the left shoulder popped and dropped and I discovered that I do not in fact have linebacker shoulders and no neck, I have lovely shoulders and a nice long neck.

Horn_of_plenty on 09/24/2018:
idk, if you don't agree with the type of program that the church has, even if your friend is leading it, i don't think you should go.....but that's me :)

happy-1 on 09/26/2018:
It’s not that I don’t agree with it it’s just that I hate all-women luncheons. I like lunch with the girls but luncheons are torture

happy-1 - Friday Sep 21, 2018
(Change all through C, track time, pain, and food)
Weight: 221.4

7:30 on a afriday night and I’m just waking up after falling apart today. Last night I popped my shoulder in yoga and yoga today didn’t fix it. A lot of pain and sleeping. Tomorrow will be better.

Also super hot guy with potential is in a LGAT group. Yikes.

Progress as of today: 95.6 lbs lost so far, only 15.4 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 09/21/2018:
girl...take it easy...yoga just breathe and don't work to your breaking point...there's a phrase i like, "less is more..." it works for working out too because thinking that way helps you refrain from getting injured..

but a pop isn't the worst...it should hopefully clear up in a week or less!

Donkey on 09/22/2018:
I hope you feel better today. Sometimes a pop can bring relief, but I suppose if something's popping out of place -- like my back/hips -- that would hurt. (((hugs)))

BearCountryGG on 09/22/2018:
Hope you feel better today!

happy-1 - Wednesday Sep 19, 2018
(Change all through C, track time, pain, and food)
Weight: 221.4

Forgot to weigh in this morning. Had an “everything hurts and I’m dying” after a restorative yoga class that focuses on subtle poses that I didn’t think was doing squat... Except OMG it feels like I did a thousand of them.

If I felt taller after my Monday class, after last night I feel stronger... I even caught myself admiring the definition above my knees!!!! And slightly concerned the skin looks loose and crepey over that muscle. Augh. The whole point of going slow as molasses and burning steady is to NOT have loose skin. How discouraging. But... vitamins and water and more yoga. All I can really do... except for thermage and that has complications. Nothing that might make me food in the Zombie apocalypse, thanks.

Also, got slightly discouraged last night because there is a woman in my yoga class who is a dime and on her way to completing her MBA. She’s very goal-directed and on top of her fitness and skin care regimen for sure. I got into a bad spiral because it reminded me of my old life and all the things that could have been if I had been able to make everything I need to do in a day to be there happen. I certainly had the opportunities in front of me before I ****ed it all up. I got really down and felt super shabby by comparison. I don’t think I have ever felt confident and put together. At my best I have only ever been barely holding it together and constantly felt like a fraud, about to be discovered. She’s just so very on the ball, totally together. And who knows how she really feels day to day? She undoubtedly has her own struggles. A little proud of myself for looking at it and not getting caught up in it. I went to the store on the way home, skipped all the junk and packaged foods that get red and yellow flags from the nutritionist and stuck to tomatoes and blueberries as a treat... to pair with greek yogurt, honey, and paleo granola tonight as dessert. I also bought some hair gel to tame the mess (I may not be plus sized anymore, but my hair is slow to catch up... I had fine, thinning hair which has started to grow back in and like every other fine strand is only 2-4 inches long... makes for some crazy hair days till it is long enough to cut together... but no longer thinning).

To help put my head back together, I took my dinner back out to the car when I got home to have some quiet alone time and restore myself emotionally. I ate my dinner and ended up talking to a guy off JustOKcupid that I was shocked had messaged me. He’s 37, an engineer, tall, and employed. It was a huge ego boost to even be in the running. It was a nice conversation and weirdly I preferred puppet dude, who is short, fat, old, and poor because he is more fun to talk to at least. This guy... Super-focused on getting married and having kids but makes it sound as much fun as a visit to the gynecologist and a low-paid job at a daycare. He seemed to like talking to me though and even though I tried to get off the phone multiple times he kept me on for over an hour. So I was like... look here’s the skeleton in my closet... I had a bad chiro injury a couple of years ago, didn’t have a good support system in place, and it’s taken me a super long time to recover. I’m doing it though... Today I did cardio and went to yoga. Tomorrow I will do more. So I said look it’s a long shot that us dating would work out, but you sound cool there’s a camping trip coming up, come join us and sent him the link. But... trying to raise his spirits raised mine and I went back in.

Unfortunately, I then ate white bread my dad left out. This led to friction that carried over to today.

Every minute is an opportunity.

Progress as of today: 95.6 lbs lost so far, only 15.4 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 09/19/2018:
You had a busy day!

happy-1 on 09/19/2018:
Meh. Not on target, but still busy doesn't move me forward.

Horn_of_plenty on 09/20/2018:
as far as that woman who's a dime, best you don't attempt to compare yourself to her! you will feel better if you don't! :) instead, work to challenge yourself and be YOUR best self...no worries on others! i just think, it's not worth your feeling bad comparing yourself to someone you feel is a 10! you just never know....everyone's life is so different....not worth even trying to understand is my view...trying to life you up!

Donkey on 09/20/2018:
Loose and crepey skin: right there with you, like within the last 6 months. How did this happen?

Do not compare yourself to that other woman. We all have our struggles. Perhaps use her "so put together" facade as an inspiration. But a comparison would be completely unfair to yourself.

BearCountryGG on 09/20/2018:
YOU GUYS think you have loose and creepy skin...you aught to be my age......LOL...…..lose what you need to now...because the longer you wait...the worse it gets.

legcramps on 09/21/2018:
I don't think we can help compare ourselves to others every now and then. I don't like myself when I do it either, because obviously i'm comparing myself to a version of someone I don't truly know. Their life is probably no better than mine, they just happen to have nice skin and hey look, they're at the same yoga class that i'm at. Guess our goals are actually pretty similar.

Nothing wrong with inviting someone out to get to know them better - I met a few people back in the day that were eager to make sure I knew what their goals in life were before we even got to a 'dating' stage LOL; I guess why waste time if you don't have the same goals?!

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