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happy-1 - Monday Mar 26, 2018
(80%+ weekly on 10 fitness acts a day, every day.)
Weight: 229.8

230.6 post-breakfast. Downward trend!!!

Pulling it together this morning. Getting through the bedtime habits took me from about 11:30 till 1:40AM, largely due to the pile of dishes and having to finish assembling meals (I started on Saturday, but teeth were hurting so I had to stop and put away halfway through). Got up at about 7:45, and then it took a while to get started because my brain would just not come together. The song on the radio was one associated with a bad memory and it got stuck in my head like an earworm, the memory replaying along with it.

About 5 hours behind on my vision of success for today, but I am dressed, caffinated and ready to tackle it as best I can. Going to have to get out of the house and find Internet. This dog thinks I should go back to bed and wants to be in constant contact with my body which I find very distracting.


Great video on mastering social anxiety: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8GSf5cYCvE

  • When you get socially anxious, it's part of dominance hierarchy... Like packs of dogs. When you get nervous you really need to be assertive and make eye contact because it's a pack hierarchy thing.
  • Horus mythology was partially Egyptians recognizing the power of the eye and looking in order to pay attention to things 
  • Our brains automatically avoid looking at anything our right hemisphere identifies as not going right
  • It is the thing that is not going right that we need to pay the most attention to. It's the place you get all the information
  • "Talk to your enemies because they may tell you what you do not know and why you are a fool"
  • It doesn't matter that t is rough. Life is rough


Was out fast enough to escape The Circus and be productive today.... until I realized I lost my checkbook and panicked. It was safe and sound in it's black cover in my black purse for the whole 3h I spent looking for it. 8 hours behind in productivity for the day and I need a nap because I came home to look for it and The Circus turned me into roadkill. Timer is set for 20 min. Napping w my puppy.

Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 03/26/2018:
Your dog loves you...that is for sure.

happy-1 on 03/27/2018:
Yeah, if only people worked the same way. You are nice to a dog the dog likes you. You are nice to a human they get all screwy.

happy-1 on 03/27/2018:
Yeah, if only people worked the same way. You are nice to a dog the dog likes you. You are nice to a human they get all screwy.

trishpiglet3 on 03/27/2018:
Thanks for the video link. :) Agree with bearcountrygg your dog loves you lots but also agree with you it can be annoying

happy-1 on 03/27/2018:
It's the old age. She was more independent before the cataracts and hearing loss. You should have seen her when I was doing the simply fit board last night! She was trying to be a velcro dog while I was twisting away on it and got whacked a bunch. I figure she'll learn eventually.

innerpeace on 03/27/2018:
twenty minutes is never enough to nap!

happy-1 on 03/27/2018:
No but I was hoping it would be. Didn't get much done yesterday.

happy-1 - Sunday Mar 25, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 229.8

231.2. Still up but on a down trend!

Made carrot cake overnight oats and I have to tell you IT IS FANTASTIC!!!! I get huge cravings for carrot cake and this definitely satisfies my sweet tooth. It's about half a cup of grated carrots, 1/3 cup oats, 1/4 cup walnuts, 1 scoop vanilla protein powder, cinnamon, raisins, and water. I also power it up with grated ginger, chia meal, flax meal and coconut oil. Let sit overnight and then reheat. So easy and soooo good. That is in my permanent rotation now. Yum!!!!

Plan for the day is to go seek coffee and get myself in order for the week. I wanted to go to services tonight but I have meat I need to make up and that's going to take a bit.

Btw... I forgot to mention that after all the crap Molly gave me over the Fitbit and my various emergency supplies that I keep in my car (I'm always worried about earthquakes and floods as I come to and from my adventures), Molly has purchased the Fitbit Aria 2 scale AND a prefab emergency kit from a catalog. What. A. Hooker. So much crap on both... One nearly cost me her friendship because she thought I was saying she's fat and should lose weight. The other was a huge fight whenever we hang out because she thinks that it's a sign I'm going crazy. (I'm not. I just keep my backpacking pack in my car and a hiking outfit plus some coast guard water and bars. It's just double duty. I can go on sierra club hikes and carry my pack for conditioning then put it back in my car for emergencies and pop it into someone else's if we use their car... which is where the fight starts with Molly because she didn't understand what the value of having emergency supplies in your car are and I would put my backpacking pack in her trunk when we'd do a car trip. Ugh.) Never mind that the kit she bought is complete crap and probably not great in an actual emergency... At least it is something. I can help her make a better kit over time. So very, very validating.


Achieved my vision of success for today by getting out for a hamburger and putting together my week... during which I realized that I need to get scholarship applications together by 7am tomorrow so that I can get paperwork submitted. The whole root canal thing really threw me and I realized that I need to get my **** together ASAP because I need to be approved and enrolled by April 4th. OMFG. Had to flake on making dinner and go to Starbucks to work on it. This one is open till 9pm I think.

BUT... Heroic success... I have gotten through my entire "drag bag" of undone paperwork and unopened mail and made a to-do list of what I need to do to get back on track.

AND my credit score sucks considerably less. I still need to work on it to be able to do anything with it, BUT... It is getting better. Another few months and I might be able to rent a studio apartment when I find a gig wherever I find one. So much more is possible.


Mulling over whether I should get cosmetic repairs made to my car and get a part time job driving for Lyft. I hate driving and try to stay off the road, but it would be easy enough to do. There are some horrible news stories about people driving for these services though and I dunno if I want to do that.


Bedtime meditation (aaaaah clean sheets and a warm puppy)

  1. 3 things for which I am grateful:
    • My parents, without them I and my puppy would be really screwed.
    • The people at DA, the food bank and the edd for shaking me out of whatever dark cloud has been sitting in my brain and blocking my effectiveness. And that I can think again now that I have had the root canal.
    • That tomorrow is a new day and I can try again.
  2. Take pride in the things I did today to improve my fitness :
    • I gave myself a couple of days to ramp up again.
    • I packed meals for the week so I can hit the ground running tomorrow
    • I tried to pick healthy meals that are on track more or less.
    • I had a brownie at Starbucks and didn't beat myself up about it
    • I did all the pm habits I am trying to build.
    • I made sure to set aside time to hang out with Pat from my camping girl gang to see a movie on Tuesday and deveop new friends.
  3. Obstacles I encountered today:
    • Pain, not being on a sleep schedule, feeling fat and not in control of my body, restlessness and anxiety, discombobulated
    • My dog is bored and wants more fun than her walks involve, and is being a butt. My dad is constantly in the kitchen when I am, mooching. Makes it take longer to cook and do dishes. Can't swat him with a newspaper.'
    • Money, disorganization,, too much of the wrong stuff in the house
  4. Vision of how I will work heroically to be successful tomorrow:
    • Wake up early, go to edd, fill out another scholarship app
    • Certify for edd benefits
    • Cook dinner. Use simply fit board to exercise. Do toning workout
  5. Selfless act for today: In honor of Donkey's son in grad phases of bootcamp and Easter, when I was at the 99 cent store today, I bought stuff to pack easter badket themed care packages and send to deployed military personnel, one chick and one anyone.
  6. Set my intent for tomorrow: To meet the standards I have set for myself

Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 03/25/2018:
Sounds like Molly is coming around to your side of thinking....doesn't hurt to be prepared...(says the prepper)

happy-1 on 03/25/2018:
LOL. If you actually refer to yourself as a prepper you must be pretty hardcore. I went to a couple of those meetings.. it was kind of a tupperware party for dudes.

happy-1 on 03/25/2018:
Are we talking apocalypse-level or just natural disaster?

Donkey on 03/25/2018:
Oh my that oatmeal sounds delicious. I never would have thought to make oatmeal with protein powder. I've got to try that recipe the next time I have vanilla powder. I'm working on a tub of chocolate protein powder right now. And I LOVE carrots. Oh my, oh my, I must try this soon.

happy-1 on 03/25/2018:
The vanilla protein powder is actually great in Oatmeal. It makes it taste like a cookie/dessert.

bearcountrygg on 03/26/2018:
I'm not sure what level exactly....we store non perishable food, batteries, and more I won't mention......we live where many Michigan people from down state will come for wilderness and safety...we just keep stocked with everything we use.....I order D's meds as soon as I can...so he never gets low, we always keep our gas tanks full, and we have a generac that runs on propane. Years ago the power grid went down in the Midwest across several states...and everything stopped.....for 4 days...that gave us a taste of what was to come when it happens and it will........eventually, and no one knows when. So we are prepared...the one thing we do not stock is water...and that does concern me....so I will start working on that.....we get periodic warnings from the Govt...to be prepared...and the most important thing is probably water....

happy-1 on 03/26/2018:
Yeah, you have the added complexity of storing water where it will freeze and burst containers.

I've been in a big earthquake and a big flood. I guess I picture it like a matrix... There are a bunch of events that could happen in order of probability from left to right. You start on the left and work your way to the right. The problem is that I live in the hornets nest of LA and any event that lasts more than 72 hours, I am mostly screwed and anything I stock/store without home protection is just supplying my neighbors. Also my parents don't believe in making an organized effort to prepare and can't pull off putting together kits so I am still working on getting emergency bags together for them out of what is here. It's been a couple of years now that I am stuck at this point...

Horn_of_plenty on 03/26/2018:
That's really cool with the carrot for breakfast in carrot cake overnight oats! It sounds soooo healthy! what a great idea and also it seems like it can be also a dessert! I want to try making it :)

Also nice job on getting thru lots of paperwork and getting so much done in general.

Regarding a fight with your friend Molly, it seems the fight isn't permanent seeing that you are putting a new emergency kit together for her, perhaps, and/or that you are just thinking of her. that is nice. My friendship with my past best friend is gone. I'm glad yours is not...

seems the best thing with friendships is to take breaks when you need, but my old best friend didn't understand, at all, my need to have some time away, and so it's over now.

bearcountrygg on 03/26/2018:
Water has to be stored in the house here...it would freeze for sure. various types of protein and fruit and nut bars may work for your parents....and then rotate them every year or so...instant oatmeal pkts also.

happy-1 on 03/27/2018:
Yeah, I basically double-bought stuff at the 99 cent store last year and now I buy/rotate. I am starting rotation with oats, flour, and nuts since those will go bad first. It's not a lot... but better than nothing

trishpiglet3 on 03/27/2018:
We are SO lucky in the UK that we don't get earthquakes. Being prepared sounds like a good idea. Sorry re the friend not getting it.

happy-1 - Saturday Mar 24, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 229.8

232.8 ... still a little up but not as much as I was. I will start fitness and nutrition tracking again on Monday... but it still felt good and reassuring to weigh in and then eat a tub of power overnight oats and drink my coffee that I set up last night. If only protein powder worked like a coffee creamer.

I actually was able to sleep in my own bed last night. I've been sleeping upright on the couch for two weeks. My dog was funny last night. She kept herding me into bed over and over. She was so excited when I actually got in and laid down. She has been really anxious about me. This morning she crawled up for extra good morning cuddles. I haven't taken the codeine yet and was able to make it through doing my hair just on ibuprofen. ---- Major accomplishment for today was to take a load to hazmat collection. I filled up the whole passenger seat. Then I went grocery shopping and tried to replace the battery for my drill. No luck.


Bedtime meditation

3 grats 1) my parents, 2) that I am starting to get things together,3) that I have a good place to go tomorrow morning

Fitness pride: I worked on cleaning up at home and bought healthy groceries

Obstacles: pain, tired, lonely, dog won't eat

Success: coffee somewhere, maybe evening services

Selfless act: nothing today.

Intention for tomorrow is to heal.

Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 03/24/2018:
I bet it was a relief to sleep in bed after so long.

happy-1 on 03/24/2018:
Omg... yes. Actual sleep is amazing.

Horn_of_plenty on 03/25/2018:
hmmm, can u use some protein powder in your coffee...if you had a blender it could work i think!

happy-1 on 03/25/2018:
Right? Put that on my list of invention ideas

Donkey on 03/25/2018:
Ohh, IDK about protein powder in coffee. I continue to send healing thoughts your way. PS I love your bedtime meditations and that you share them with us :-)

happy-1 on 03/25/2018:
Thanks!!! They are part of the 60 day challenge but we are supposed to do them privately but I feel like putting them in my posts helps me do them consistently. I do think they help me quiet my mind and fall asleep better. Any time not distracted or busy and my anxiety starts to spin. Last night I started to get anxious and I just replayed my meditation in my head till I felt calmer, then I put on a Neil Gaiman audiobook and I fell right to sleep. Plus people give me feedback on them and it helps me feel calmer.

trishpiglet3 on 03/25/2018:
Also love the bedtime meditations.

I've taken codeine in the past (used to get major pain from Raynauds disease) - I don't know if you've used it before but, in case you haven't, it can cause constipation. Also it's a good idea to avoid taking on an empty stomach. It's not the funnest drug to have to take but it can be useful for severe pain.

happy-1 on 03/25/2018:
Yeah... Haven't had that complication yet. But I eat a lot of yogurt... that might be helping. It sounds like you are a major warrior for health, between fighting off circulation problems AND prediabetes, then also working on helping people stop smoking. I love that you've made your professional and personal battles align for maximum compatibility!

happy-1 - Friday Mar 23, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 229.8

Missing the DA meeting tonight since I am still on pain killers and can't drive. It feels a little like someone whacked me in the head straight on with a baseball bat. Giving myself a few days to bounce back and starting over on Monday with diet and fitness. Went to Costco today and got protein piwder, broccoli, blueberries, chicken, and vitamins.


I deeply wish I had frozen yogurt. Watching Bachelor Winter Games... It's actually pretty good... horrified I like it. I blame the pain killers.


Bedtime meditation... 2 days worth:

1 - 3 grats: 1) for my mom who drove my car back from the endodontist and then after to run errands yesterday, as well as to costco today. It meant that I could be on pain meds steadily and I really needed them. She isn't physically up to much and even that is a strain... and she's ony 65! It was a real sacrifice on her part. 2) for my dad yesterday who ate my homemade turkey burrito bowls without complaint when that was what I could pull together after my root canal. He was chomping at the bit to go to McDonalds but it was raining and my mom was wrecked. 3) for the endodontist who fit me in for the next day appointment and said gentle encouraging things while I toughed out a super painful and expensive procedure, 4) for the dental assistant who was just nice to me and chatted about happy pleasant distracting things and put me at ease, 5) for the money to pay for it, 6) for feeling better today, 7) for whatever pharmacist at costco stocked extra adhd meds so I didn't have to special order this time when I was down to my last 2 days. I forgot to put in my order ahead and sometimes it can take a week or more... I am super glad I didn't have to go through withdrawl or lose effectiveness this week when I am starting to pull it back together.

2 - Obstacles: Pain, money, not being able to drive. Dog is frustrated and restless. My life is chaotic and a wreck. Molly is still drifting away. I feel lonely. Pain meds meant missing the DA meeting tonight.

3 - Heroic vision of success - Tomorrow I will work on my application for a scholarship and certify for edd benefits.

4 - Selfless act - Yesterday I told the lady in the waiting room at the dentist that the giant yelp of pain and sound of kicking was me and it was because I had a terrible huge abcess, and that the Dr does very good work and her daughter was in good hands so that she would be at ease. Today, I heard my dad complaining that he couldn't eat breakfast because there was no butter so I got up and made hm pancakes, sausage, and eggs even though it wasn't on my schedule and I was supposed to be able to sleep in. Then I sat and had breakfast with him this morning and tried to keep him company (although I was kind of insufferable because pain meds hadn't kicked in yet so I dunno any of it counts.)

5 - Set your intention for tomorrow - To heal

Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!

Donkey on 03/23/2018:
I agree with everything you said - even the frozen yogurt! I would definitely give yourself time to recover. Sounds like you're prepared for next week!

happy-1 on 03/23/2018:
Hugs! Yes. A little hard to not go back to "trying" again but I'll just flop over and beat myself up about it after. Better to just sit here and watch Bachelor Winter Games and pick at things that need working on that are sitting in front of me and work on working on it starting Monday. A little lonely so getting your note really perked me up. Thank you!

bearcountrygg on 03/24/2018:
Boy...you sure had a day....but so happy to hear that the dentist visit is now behind you. I think you are actually pretty sweet with your parents....it's not easy to care for people that can be a challenge...but I think your parents are feeling that you love them and are returning that love to you in better behavior towards you. It sounds like there is a lot of cooperation going on...and that can only be good. As tough as it can be...you 3 are a team. Relax and feel better...

happy-1 on 03/25/2018:
Hugs, thank you for the kind words! It really gave me a lift.

happy-1 - Thursday Mar 22, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 229.8

Root canal done. OMG.

Big hugs to all here. TTYL tomorrow. 

Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!

horn_of_plenty on 03/23/2018:
i hope they gave you some pain relievers a good strength to get thru the healing part now! good job!

happy-1 on 03/23/2018:
Tylenol with codeine. They offered me Norco but the codeine lets me function.

bearcountrygg on 03/23/2018:
Feeling better today?

happy-1 on 03/23/2018:
Sooooo much better!

Donkey on 03/23/2018:
Congratulations - you got it done!!

happy-1 on 03/23/2018:
Right??? Definitely the right decision.

happy-1 - Wednesday Mar 21, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 229.8

Forgot to weigh in. Was up at 6 (alarm). Cruising on ibuprophen.


Changed dental consults today. Just couldn't get over that nervous, sick feeling about going up to the one I was referred to. This one comes highly recommended from my old dentist and they use 3D Cone-Beam Imaging instead of x-rays. 3D Cone Beam imaging shows them the crack or split and how far down it goes, the abcesses and how they are spreading or burst, where all the roots are, if they curve, and how far down they go. This makes the process safer and cleaner and leaves less risk of post-treatment issues. The total amount is only $100 more including a permanent filling than the one I was referred to and I feel a lot calmer about the whole thing.


Goal today is to get my car smogged.


Car is smogged! Registration is paid! On time! No penalty! Happy day! I was so happy I gave my puppy cuddles and squishes for an hour while watching Agent Carter on Hulu. She put up with many insults to her person, no spot went un-rubbed, every inch was spooned. Much fur was released. No dog cuddles harder than an old dog. I gave up when she grumbled at me. Nap time for the puppy.

Celebratory dinner is chile rellenos (cheese stuffed), spanish rice, black beans and wilted greens. One of these days I will have to make horchata or a chia fresca. This is my first attempt. My dad really likes them and they are so cheap to make I have to give it a try. Dessert is a raspberry cobbler. Have to use up the raspberries in the freezer that have been there forever.


Bedtime meditation

3 grats: 1) that I saw my registration was due tomorrow and I got everything taken care of today. I can mail it in tomorrow am. 2) that i was able to get in tomorrow with the new dentist for tomorrow and the receptionist was nice. That the pain wasn't bad today or tonight. 3) That I managed to wake up eqrly and get my dog out for a walk before it started raining. 4) that i still have my parents with me and I get a chance to make things good for a bit.

Obstacles: pain, hunger, exhaustion, money, disorganization, old people, dog fur. CRAMPS!!!!!

Heroic vision for tomorrow: go to dentist. Get there on time. Look at programs to apply for while I wait.

Selfless act: hmmm... let's try taking on a new cheap recipe my dad likes and I can make every week. I think the ingredients for dinner were about $5 and there were 4ish servings. I also bought the groceries and did all the dishes.

Oh wait no... the lady in back of me at the dmv was wearing scrubs and pacing anxiously so I let her go in front of me. Almost forgot.

Does that mean I have a bonus to cover tomorrow ?


B: 7am 2 pieces white toast, margerine, 2 eggs

S: skipped

L: box of mac n cheese w margerine

S: 2 glasses of hot tea with stevia and half and half. Some leftover brownie.

D: 2 chille rellenos, spanish rice, black beans, mozzarella, avocado, salsa

S: more tea with half n half, dessert didn't work as planned.

Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 03/21/2018:
Sounds like you made a good choice with the dentist:)

also, i never heard of getting a car smogged but i am sure in CA there are more environmental tests since i think you guys have higher pollution rates over there on the west coast!

happy-1 on 03/21/2018:
Yeah mine is a 2010 but with older vehicles it is an issue.

Maria7 on 03/21/2018:
What a very sweet person you are (I've been reading about your selflish acts especially regarding your Mother, washing her dishes and other things you do for her and all and it would be nice if everyone in the world was as kind as you are). I will be praying your dental appt goes well. You have done outstanding holding out to get it taken care of but it is wonderful that you have found someone to help you and hopefully soon you will be well and will have it all behind you. Have a good evening. :-)

happy-1 on 03/21/2018:
Ha. More like I am trying to be a better person and using this as a place to be accountable. But thanks for the kind words and I will work to live up to them.

Donkey on 03/21/2018:
So glad to hear about the new dentist -- YES. For a small difference in price, sounds like you'd be getting a much better evaluation. I do understand now why you were hesitant before. I've been to so many ******* doctors before -- insulting, incompetent, weird - YUCK. So best go with someone you're feeling good about working with.

LOL on the smog. When I arrived in Vegas last year, I saw signs for "Smog $15.00". I asked my brother, Why on earth would anyone pay for smog? LOL!

happy-1 on 03/21/2018:
Yeah, and then they are offended that you aren't buying their BS. Yes, please I'd love to go to a dentist whose emergency number doesn't work, can't see me for 2 weeks, and isn't using current technology.

Smog rules in CA = fewer cool off-road vehicles.

happy-1 - Tuesday Mar 20, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 229.8

234.6 probably pms water retention since I am not eating much.

Got sooo much sleep and haven't had much in a week so I won't kick myself for waking up at 10 and taking a long time to get going. I couldn't do much until the codeine kicked in so I just watched tv and straightened up to keep my mind off the pain. Tidying, tidying, tidying.


Today I walked up to the corner diner and am reading through all my mail. I hate paperwork so it piles up and stresses me out and creates needless chaos in my life. Tackling my paper tiger today though. Grrr. Get after it. I am sure it looks weird but I can't get any tasks done at home that requires a sustained period of focus. My parents or my dog always want something and then my focus is gone and nothing gets done. Plus it is clutter overwhelm. 


Pushed it through to go to the DA meeting by me tonight. Nice folks. They had more literature and stuff than the one in LB so I spent $5 for some pamphlets. I think the luscious tall hot alpha bearded guy was checking me out???? A couple of sidelong looks???? No idea. Probably not as I had no hair or makeup and just schlepped over and I am dying of pain. Didn't stick around to talk to him as my tooth was saying "Get me home and give me whiskey now!!!!". I don't think this is a pond I want to fish in. Considering how scarce the meetings are, I don't want to not be able to go to the one nearest to home.

On the other hand I might have just looked half dead and he was making sure I wasn't about to die.

One of the ladies said that a dental school is a bad idea. They slipped and cut her tongue in half, then had to stitch it back together.



Dog is very confused as to why we still aren't sleeping in my big soft bed together. This thing where I am sleeping upright on the couch and she sleeps in her dog bed at my feet is very upsetting and I should stop it right now, silly human.

Sorry pup. I hate it too. Consultation tomorrow.

---- Bedtime meditation:

3 grats: 1) the people running the da meeting. Sounds like they have some challenges but are still trying to keep it going. 2) my dad for not giving me a hard time when he found out i had gone up to the diner alone. 3) my dog for eating as soon as I fed her tonight. 4) that tomorrow i can wake up and reapply for the scholarship. 5) that I have made it this far with the pain and can see a dentist tomorrow.

Fitness pride: I tried to not overeat despite how hungry I was. I walked. I relieved stress by going to da.

Obstacles: pain!!!!! Money. Clutter. Too many dishes.

Vision of success: i will go to get my car smogged and the dentist tomorrow.

Selfless act: I went into my mom's room and dug out all her dishes and washed them for her. We wash our own dishes and it is a rule I am normally a stickler about... but it was bedtime and it was my closest selfless act available.


S: pbj on white with milk

B: skipped

L: spinach omlette with cheese

S: cottage cheese and fruit

S: part of a huge slice of carrot cake. Coffee with 6 creamers. Working on opening all my mail. Felt I deserved a second round to help me power through.

S: Part of a lemonade and a part of a bag of cheezitz.

D: 2 pieces white toast, butter, 2 poached eggs

Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!

Donkey on 03/20/2018:
I think you're doing remarkably well under the circumstances. I hate paperwork too!!!!

happy-1 on 03/21/2018:
TY. I try, try, and try again.

Horn_of_plenty on 03/21/2018:
Good job getting out to the DA and not overeating :)

also, good luck at the dentist & reapplying for scholarship :)

happy-1 on 03/21/2018:
One foot in front of the other! Slow progress is still progress!

happy-1 - Monday Mar 19, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 229.8


Up at 2:30am with a toothache so I just stayed up. Second round of scholarship applications due to irregular scheduling at the university extension that will take a year to complete because one of the professors is out on leave. So normally takes 6 months but will take 1 year right now.



Yep. Program can't pass because it will go past 1 year. And I have a splitting headache I need to clear before I can tackle searching for one.




Bought a loaf of white bread... I know, I know... But it is all I can chew.


Goal for today is to submit another training application.



S: Glucerna, borrowed from mom.

B: 2 pieces of white bread, smart balance, 2 soft boiled eggs. 

S: milk, 2 pieces of white bread, smooth peanut butter, 1 packet jam no seeds

L: 2 more glucerna stolen from Mom. Have to buy her a case next week.

S: diet pepsi, box of mac n cheese. Nice nap and the comb killed the massive headache

D: pineapple juice

S: brownie

Bedtime meditation

3 grats: 1) my mom for the ride home from schol application. 2) my dog for eating right away, 3) my dad for doing dishes

Fit pride: i went to bed early last night. I didn't push it and came home after my meeting and most importantly did not drive while in pain or on codeine.

Obstacles: pain, clutter, money, stress

Visualize heroics: i will wake up early, walk for coffee and read mail.

Selfless act: I took my clothes out of the hall and gave my mom access to the hoarder room like she has been asking me for. Let's not split hairs as to whether that was a selfless act. My head is killing me and it was what I could come up with today.

Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 03/19/2018:
What about the dentist?

happy-1 on 03/19/2018:
Consult on Wed. Placeholder appointment on friday. Just found out they don't do MRIs... For $2700 out of pocket, I want an MRI. Might change dentists.

happy-1 on 03/19/2018:
Someday I will have someone in my life who can organize me when I'm sick to get actual medical care on a relevant timeline. I have insurance, I have cash, but trying to talk to dentists when your head is a giant pain mass is not going well. I'm probably doing this as ineptly as possible.

Donkey on 03/19/2018:
I'm so sorry you are having difficulties... Do you need an MRI for what you're going to have done? Just normal "check-up" x-rays run around $600 for me... Now that I've lost my dental insurance, I won't be getting x-rays any more. Bad enough I have to pay for the cleaning...

happy-1 on 03/19/2018:
Dental insurance is only like $50 a month and you get a free cleaning every year so it more or less works out.

An MRI tells you before they open the tooth if it is salvageable or not and if not it is a cleaner extract and bone grafting

horn_of_plenty on 03/20/2018:
hey eggs and white bread toast is goood...if you feel the need to eat lots, you can have egg whites..lots of them...sf jello too...and some bread, why not!

happy-1 on 03/23/2018:
Because it is terrible for you?

horn_of_plenty on 03/20/2018:
it's no fun to be in pain, i hope it gets better for you soon..like the others are saying to you!

happy-1 - Sunday Mar 18, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 229.8

Still home... teeth are killing me. I have however gotten a few things done around the house I have been putting off in an effort to keep my mind off the pain. Just a few projects here and there but each one gets me closer to feeling more together.

Missed the DA meeting on Friday and am sorry I didn't go. I need an injection of "get after it" and hearing stories of people who have turned things around made a big difference in my energy and focus. I was in too much pain to do the drive


Super hot dude I met off OkCupid is back! Job didn't work out and he missed his friends and kids so he came back to the US. Super flattered he thought of me.


Found a completely empty 4 drawer filing cabinet in my parents hoard... surrounded by boxes of paper.

Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 03/19/2018:
you sound like you have lots going on now - you are def not a lazy person :)

happy-1 on 03/19/2018:
Aw, thanks!

happy-1 - Thursday Mar 15, 2018
(Paleo + beans + oatmeal + bootcamp + fitbit)
Weight: 229.8

Weigh: 230.6. Glad to see that all the junk I am eating due to pain, stress, and pms isn't going nuclear on my weight. It gives me hope. Fitbit says I got about 5h of sleep last night. More than I have had in days. I woke up almost pain free this morning. The antibiotics are starting to help and it almost feels like I have a real tooth again. My tummy is a bit of a mess. I don't know if it is the antibiotics or the teething gel but I just feel sick and acidic. Glad I stuck probiotics in my supplement packs this month.

Today is more putting my life in order tasks. I am staying put a but on purpose, a bit because of cash flow, but trying to see it as an opportunity to tackle tasks I haven't wanted to do. I am working the living room, dining room and kitchen like a grid for chaos and clutter... then throwing sheets over each "done" section I can't do anything else about right now and writing down distractions as they come to me so I don't get sidetracked.

I will conquer. I will overcome.


Skip this part if you don't want to read a bummer story.

Had a rough time doing my selfless act today. I did the thing I really, really, really hate doing which is taking my dad grocery shopping. It means everything to him because he can't drive anymore Normally I hate it because we fight the whole way but it flipped on me. I was in way over my head. We started out ok but in the second stop he had a low blood sugar episode in the checkout line so I grabbed some m and ms, paid for his groceries, and while I was paying he just started hitting me with the cart and wedged me against the wall and rammed the cart through till he was free. Apparently he had to go to the bathroom and even with the m and m's he was crashing so hard it was like he was drunk. I had seen it before in private but this was my first time in public... and it was both scary and humiliating. I was really scattered, but I got him to subway for a sandwich. He was being really difficult and it took 3 hours to get him four blocks home. I compounded it by having a small meltdown on my mom when she said that she wasn't having any of the homemade turkey meatballs and marinara sauce I had set up in the slow cooker for dinner because she had eaten a bunch last night... a) they were raw, b)I had made dinner last night and she had already had 3 servings of chicken... and she is supposed to be on a low protein diet to protect her kidneys... but all I coul come up with at that moment was they were in the box in the fridge that she's not supposed to dip into because i am really up against it and managing my food/ med budget really tightly and if I don't watch the food I have to go back on more meds but the food is a little pricey and not easy to replace at the same price eating out ($1.25 a meal vs $10+ for a paleo meal in a restaurant). She got madder at me and because I was starving, in pain, and worn out it escalated.

The meatballs, no sugar homemade sauce, ricotta, spinach, edamame pasta, and squash were amazing. A little bummed that i had to put it up into single servings and then everyone just ate as they were ready, on their own.

End of bummer story.


Progress as of today: 78.2 lbs lost so far, only 49.8 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 03/15/2018:
Hang in there!

bearcountrygg on 03/16/2018:
I'm sad for you that you are going through this......I took care of my parents for 7 years....and there were trials for sure...while D took care of himself....caring for elderly parents is so hard....D's Mom passed in her 60's but his Dad lived into his 80's and had dementia...( eating Styrofoam plates, etc)........it is 24 hours a day non stop and super stressful. I wish there was something I could say or do to make it easier for you....all I can say is that I have been there....and I had days on end where I had to move out and get an apartment and take care of my Mom because I just needed breaks from her.....( I will admit to crying day after day from frustration)....D was worried about me and I was worried about her....and I just needed a break...but being in her house 24 hours a day was depressing me to the point where I was losing it. I had to have some separation from her for at least a few hours a day. Is there any way you can get some help? Are you an only child too? It is a lot...and I know what you are going through...I've been there...but you have 2 to take care of and a life of your own to live at the same time. Have you looked into assistance from Medicare/Medicaid? You Dad is acting out and your mom is eating raw meat...this may be more than you can handle alone. You have to be able to let the stress out...I'm glad you are able to let off steam here....

happy-1 on 03/18/2018:
Thanks... big hugs. It sounds like you really did your best for them.

I'm an only child and extended family is on the other side of the country. They are ceo's, doctors, and lawyers. Good people just not anyone I connect with and there's no relationship from growing up together. When my parents are gone it is just me.

They have always been like this though... it isn't senility it is depression. They just don't care. They have no friends in the area.

I am hoping DA helps me get my personal stuff together so that I can then make plans for my parents. Mask over your face first then the person sitting next to you.

happy-1 on 03/18/2018:
And I did give leading my own life a shot. I just didn't get it to happen. I went on tons of dates and had friends and then it just didn't happen and the path to it fell apart and now I am here, stuck at my rebuilding point.

The problem with hoarders is that they can't prioritize relationships over things. Throwing away a stack of dirty napkins from McDonalds is a bigger offense than rape or murder. I compounded my problems by coming back and I am hoping DA can help.

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