Up at 8 am and took meds. Went back to bed for an hour. I know I need to get up and start my day but still feel gross from the junk food binge last night. Mom says her blood sugar is 397.... crazy high. It could have been the brownies, but it could also be just late night eating, pizza carbs, etc. I don't want to face the scale.

236.4

Plan for today... hit 6:30pm service at another church. I liked the last one but their 40+ singles group was all ladies and that could get weird... although it could be handled by making a 40+ christian singles group on Meetup and recruiting more members. Just want to find the best option.

Things I need to do.... buy a blanket that doesn't shed, programmable coffee maker, make chicken verde, work on Pete's site, write up notes from counselor call, personal papers, get money into account, buy incredibly expensive adhd meds (bad health plan), tackle part of carpet for cleaning, move cleaners to tub outside or dispose, buy another outdoor timer, return movie, clean kitchen, get to bed on time.

-----

Heartbreaking... dad says the news about his friend's daughter has made him not want to waste the time he has left... so he's trying to be friendly today. Augh. I know I need to improve my relationship with him while I am here... it's just so hard to be in the same room with him. ---- Hungry and cranky. I left a bunch of mushrooms out while I was not feeling well and didn't cook it. Hoping it didn't go bad. Drove down to services but when I got there the parking lot was packed and everyone was dressed up and I had pretty much dragged myself off the couch half dead. Turned around and went home. Had given my dad my dinner because my mom was too out of it to help him find food. I had ramen instead. A little annoyed that he stuck me washing his dishes too.

---- S: missed B: missed S: skipped L: frozen pizza (too hungry to cook or think) - 1110 Stevia soda - 90 or 180? S: orange, hummus cup, carrots D: 2 packages of chicken ramen S: butterscotch chips, seltzer

Way overslept till 10:30 with a super deep sleep and a headache when I woke up. Gas leak?

Today is the anniversary of the day my cousin died. We also heard that my dad's friends's daughter died of cancer. I do not remember her, I was too young but she was married with kids and a career as a lawyer so it sounds like she lived full force.

Took mom to a cheap fun improv show and rented a movie for after to get her mind off it.

We stopped at jack n the box after. I was super hungry and kind of wiped out all day and didn't want to cook at 10pm. I also put on brownies. My mom wanted pizza with it after eating the stuff from jack n the box. I should have said no and not made brownies. I ate half a pizza (small) and had a brownie. I forgot to put them away though and Fell asleep during the movie. Got up at the end to find she had eaten the whole pan. Kind of scary.

---- S: missed B: sunflower seeds S: oatmeal raisins almonds butter L: orange S: pork chunk, potato salad, coleslaw D: waaaaay too much peanut butter, small apple. S: chicken teriyaki bowl, 1 eggroll, 1.5 tacos S: 1/2 a frozen pizza. S: 1/6 of a package of brownie mix with butterscotch chips.

-----

Ugh. I just feel physically ill.

There are few things better in life than a warm blanket and a big furry dog to share it with on a cold morning. Woke up to find mine in prime massage position... butt in armpit, across width of bed, ears right under my fingers... so I gave her a thorough massage. I'm always in a good mood when I beat my alarm awake.

Plan for today is to go to Starbucks before The Circus wakes up, then on to the coworking space. Have call with online shrink, then later in the afternoon I have a meeting with my virtual assistant to get me rolling again.

So yes I ate a ton of pizza yesterday, way more than was good for me. Yes I missed my bootcamp workout last night ( was posting Pete's stuff, then when I put on my kneepads my dog lost her furry mind and we left late.., i need to sneak into my workout clothes where she can't see from now on... so we left late, then I was blocked in) but today I am up on time and it is a beautiful day. ---- Got into a kerfuffle with my mom because I discovered she ate the lunches I packed for today and this weekend (and left me all the dishes and trash to clean up). All I said was hey, can you please leave the ones in my lunchbag alone, the ones on the shelf above it are the same just not packed for my cooler and I am really watching my cash so I meed to not eat out... if I have to repack or go shopping, i end up canceling or buying something more expensive on the road. World War 3. I think she felt bad and was overcompensating.

Bearcountry's post on hidden eating and snacks makes me think I semi-created this by hiding the stuff I know they can't resist, but then putting little baggies of it in my packed lunchbag. So yes, the little cup of yogurt is the same as the big costco one above it, but there is a 1/4 cup of paleo granola in with it... so probably that tempted her. Even though it is just granola... and the mini hummus cup packed for snack is the same as what is in the bowl I made to go with falaffel tonight, but the packet of sunflower seeds and jerky with it were from my last camping trip and not hidden, but I had them in the bear barrels and they can't get those open. Plus if you are old and your back hurts it's just so nice to open something delicious without finding everything yourself. I'd do up trays for my mom but she hates when I do that.

I would feel really bad putting a bear barrel in my parents fridge though.

----- Coworking space screwed up conference room booking. Ugh. Should have double checked yesterday. So freaking tired. Regrouping.

----- Up: 6:30am S: skipped B: 8:30 - ham and cheese sandwich, half n half, coffee S: coffee, half and half L: 1:30 - chicken thigh, potato, butter. S: 2:30 greek yogurt, Paleo granola, blueberries D: S:

Didn't weigh in... forgot. Kind of snuck out this morning to avoid The Circus and find coffee. My dad had piled a bunch of cardboard outside his door... fire hazard... so I took it out to the recycling bin. Somewhere in there was a thing he had ordered off the Internet for his car. I got it back out again but he freaked out, my mom is having anxiety attacks, and I am out of eggs so I have nothing to feed them... They have lots of frozen breakfast so don't worry about them... just nothing yummy enough to satisfy and head off The Circus. I'll just hang at Starbucks, get my **** together, and then double back to stealthily change clothes, grab my dog, and go to bootcamp. I'll hit Costco on the way back so I can feed The Circus tomorrow. Sucks I woke up so late. I took a sleep aid and went to bed at 7:30 but I don't think I fell asleep till 3am.

----

Do I know how bad half and half is for me? Yes. Can I stand my coffee any other way? I find that Via instant coffee mixed into rice or coconut milk is tolerable. Do they have that option at Starbucks? No.

----

Woke: 10

S: missed

B: missed

S: missed

L: 12- coffee, half and half, mini pepperoni pizza

S: 1:30, but kind of taking little bits at a time while I chill at starbucks and post Pete's stuff. A brownie and coffee with half and half. I seriously needed the chocolate pick me up.

D: 7:45 - slice of Costco pizza. Light lemonade, part of a chocolate frozen yogurt

s: rest of my frozen yogurt

235.6

Woke up: 10. Actually woke up at 7:30 but it was really cold so I went back to bed to warm up and ended up falling asleep again.

Really frustrated this morning and irritable/cranky. Journaling here to pull it back together and make sense of what I need to do today to pull it together. 

1. Too much distraction/clutter/noise in my environment. I am in adhd overwhelm and wearing earplugs to block out noise.
2. I need to streamline my mornings. 
   - Thermostat on a timer
   - AM radio on better sounding sound system / better way to get news.
   - No mess where I can see it when I wake up
   - Coffee on a timer
   - Bathroom picked up
   - Kitchen picked up
   - Breakfast ready to stick in oven
   - Place settings down for breakfast night before
   - Dog walking clothes by front door
   - Car organized and vacuumed
   - To do list for day
3. Annoyed that the house is a mess. And I am the one that did it. Pulled stuff apart and didn't put it back plus my closet bar fell down again. I need a bar holder to keep the tension rod in place. I keep avoiding all the work that goes into putting the wood furniture onto foam blocks so I can clean the carpets.
4. And LONELY. SO LONELY. Church group last night kind of sucked. It was 40+ singles and all women. Not exactly a fun crowd. I do dig the 2 guys leading it. They seem like a fun hang.
5. Could use some TLC. Ex is all the way in SD. 2.5 hours away. Driving that far is expensive, puts miles on my car, makes my neck hurt. I really wish I had a guy in the local area to do fun stuff with. Not even a serious thing, just some company.
6. I crave pizza every day and every hour of my life.

---

3:19pm - Have tackled making my bed, cleaning out the front door area after the storm, hosing off my cooler and taken the rug cleaner to a couple of mystery spots on the rug in the living room not by the wood furniture.

There's a new episode of Kevin Saves the World. That show always puts me in a better mood!

---

S: Skipped

B: Skipped

S: Skipped

L: 12pm - egg bake, overnight oats, coffee, half and half.

S: 3pm - Chicken thigh, baked potato

D: 6pm - 3 mini pizzas, 7 chicken wings, 2 stevia cokes

S:

235. Down from 240. Poof! Magic. Only a few ounces from my plateay weight. Need to stop skipping meals, setup coffee the night before, and wake up on time, get a jump on The Circus. Give them breakfast before they can start bumbling around trying to feed themselves. Need to get a period tracker app that tracks moods and gives you an alert when you are going to bite peoples heads off.

--- S: skipped B: 9:45 greek yogurt with 3 servings fruit/seed granola ... how is 2tbsp a serving???? S: 1pm coffee, half and half, 2 zucchini muffins with smart balance, orange L: skipped S: skipped D: 5pm 2 crispy roasted chicken thighs, rabe, mixed peas and carrots. S: 10pm apple and peanut butter

Catch-up post for Tuesday. --- 235.6

3am couldn't sleep - bolero roll with butter S: 11am - orange, coffee, half and half B: 12pm - 2 eggs with a little sausage, veg, milk, cheese, oil. 1 paleo pancake muffin S: skipped L: skipped - should have eaten but got too hungry. Spaced and couldn't organize it. S: 4pm - chicken thigh, small potato, margarine D: 6pm - cornbread, pea soup, spinach salad S:

I think i need to put all my meals in a basket in the fridge so I can just pull them out when it is time to eat and not think about it

So today was the second hike for the WTC. At least I showed up for this one... I got about a quarter in and my heart rate was just pounding so hard, possibly due to adhd meds and ventolin. I was going to slow the sweep down so much they wouldn't get back before 9pm. So I signed out and headed back down the trail. Better to know I can't do it than to never have tried at all. I am in better shape than I used to be but not good enough to keep up yet.

Since I drove a kid here and I was his ride home... I couldn't just bail... Also I had given him my spare key and an extra pair of hat and gloves. Good kid. ---- Spent my waiting time today on a sorely needed task... cleaning out my iPhone. I keep running out of space and can't really use any apps so it was great to clean it out. I went through all my old photos and deleted anything I didn't want.

I found a bunch of my ex... broke my heart. He was a really terrible person hidden behind a lot of charm and I fell for it. I look so happy and I have so much hope before I met him and in the time I dated him and for a year after I look really sad. It's been a year and a month now and I only started looking happy again in December.

I also found a lot of photos of old friends who aren't in my life anymore. I miss them. I miss my old life. I need to work at being happy again. I didn't know I was happy when I was.

----

Plan for tonight is to just keep waiting till this kid gets back and keep working on deleting stuff. When I get home I will splurge on pizza since everything is raw and I need comfort food.

And post Pete's stuff. Tomorrow is another day.

---- B: coconut milk, coffee, zucchini muffin and a half S: turkey, tomatoes, hummus, tortilla, 1 aussie bite, carrot chips L: turkey, tomatoes, hummus, tortilla, 1 aussie bite, carrot chips S: turkey, tomatoes, hummus, 2 aussie bites D: edamame pasta, jack cheese, kale, marinara sauce, fake meatballs, fake meat crumbles... kale, wilted in. Stevia coke S: feel like I kept eating, but I think all I had were some lara bar bites and greek yogurt

I have to total up the calories but I think I ate entirely on-plan today without any simple carbs and 8 cups of veggies.

I WILL be in the WTC class next year.

Appparently my cooking experiment has caused my mom to gain 4 lbs. How???? I said it is probably portion control. 

----

There is no greater pleasure in the world than getting out of the shower, wrapping yourself in a big fuzzy robe on the couch and sticking your feet under a big fluffy warm dog and running her fur through your toes.

----

Goal for today is to clean out iphone. Why can't I get my head around that task?

---

Found a caloric needs calculator that takes into account your bodyfat for more accurate caloric needs. http://scoobysworkshop.com/accurate-calorie-calculator/

At 5'10", age 40, 237lbs, 28% bodyfat and 1-3 hours of intense cardio (not just fat burning activity) I need 2515 calories a day to maintain weight and 2263 calories a day to lose 10% (.5 lbs) a week.

Switched my Fitbit food plan to "Low" intensity and it now says 2038 daily instead of 1798 daily. Apparently Fitbit doesn't take bodyfat percentage into account and so the calorie calculations are all off.

 ---

Meal planning challenge: Make a list of 5 healthy meals you can make in just 30 minutes or less with items that you almost always have on hand in the freezer and pantry: spaghetti and meatballs with frozen veggies, quesedillas, soups. Next, make sure you have the ingredients for those meals in your master grocery list, to make sure you keep them stocked up.

• Turkey burgers, sweet potato fries, coleslaw
• Spaghetti and meatballs (protein pasta, veggie meatballs)
• Turkey chilli and brown rice
• Baked veggie eggs and paleo pancakes
• Salmon cakes and frozen veggies or coleslaw

---

---

241... Probably more weight fluctuation. I should start a graph. See if there's a trend.

My brain has felt so much better this week and last week. It's like a cloud has lifted and the little neurons are working better. I haven't taken the bait when either of my parents has ftried to start a fight with me for three weeks. I still have the ADHD "butterflies for a brain" that start flying in roughly the same direction when I take amphetamines, but if they were flying through a heavy, thick ground fog that you cold maybe see a foot in front of you in... that fog is a lot lighter. I wonder if it is the reduction in bodyfat. When I was skinny post college and 190lbs when I dumped thousands of dollars into personal training, the lowest my bodyfat was ever in range of was 33%... at 28% I'm in "acceptable range" and maybe that is the difference. I remember an article about obesity and the brain and looked it up today.

• Weight affects cognitive function: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/media-spotlight/201306/obesity-and-the-brain
• Your fat cells control your brain. Body fat is really a hormone organ that screws with your mood and appetite https://www.huffingtonpost.com/stephen-barrie-nd/your-fat-cells-control-yo_b_732201.html

I'm just in such a better mood. I double checked with my shrink and counselor Wednesday to make sure I'm not having a weird last-straw breakdown and they both said I sound fine... that it's very likely this is just the cumulative effect of healthy eating and cleaning up my environment (one hoarder box at a time).

I even... Shocker... Took all the gardening stuff I bought this past year and set up the kitchen for regrowing veggies from scraps and starting an herb garden. I have a big black plastic watertight bin of seed starting mix and a little bit of surestart under the kitchen sink. On my doorstep I have 3 pots of dirt and seeds (Parsley, thai basil, thyme) with actual plant markers that I misted with water... Hopefully they will start! I have a few celery scraps that grew new leaves to pot tonight. 

And although I should have been doing things for personal stuff and working on Pete's site... I detailed the front seat area of my car. I never noticed how funky my car was getting... All the fur creeping into crevices... Makeup smears on the plastic. I went to the dollar store and bought some cheap stuff to detail it with. Feels better in there, massively.

Every day you are above ground is an opportunity to change and improve for sure.

----

Even my dog feels better. She ate two big meals yesterday and all her treats this morning.

----

I had a great morning of personal satisfaction. My mom had to go in for jury duty today. She got dressed in the outfit I bought her a couple of months ago for Thanksgiving and looked very nice (and normal) in a grey and white marbled top, houndstooth grey pants, black loafers, and comfy canvas black purse. A little too much grey but she really liked the top and the patterns work together. I just happened to get up at the same time she was headed out the door (8! Yay! So much better than 11ish and depressed) and I had doubled the breakfast I made yesterday and separated them out into single servings so I just popped one in the microwave for her and made her some coffee. She headed off to jury duty in peace and tranquility... then my dad bumbled in and was trying to get his brain together to make breakfast so I popped another one in the microwave for him and sat him down at the table to make his coffee and eat. Curtailed all his morning yelling and blustering. No war today.

----

Got feedback on the interview I had zero sleep for. Unfortunately they decided to pass. They did not provide specific feedback, but instead are looking for the following:

Experience pros:

people who have worked for successful start-ups (I haven't)

people who have a track record of being at more than 1 company for more than 2 years (I haven't... keep getting to almost 2 years then they fold)

people who have had the title of product manager (or equivalent) for minimum 3 years (I have that)

people who have worked on customer-facing products (I have)

Experience cons:

multiple instances of <1 year experience at a given company (not me)

people who only work as consultants (not me)

----

So continuing my meal planning from yesterday... I'm trying to figure out an optimized flow for this using google spreadsheets. All the meal planning apps fall apart for me because they start from recipes, not from sales. 

Today's meal planning challenge from the bootcamp is to make a list of 7 favorite family veggie sides and different ways to prepare them with cooking times.

They will always eat the starchy roots, but the healthier veggies are harder to get into my dad

1. Zucchini - Cut and steamed, cut lengthwise stuffed and baked, shredded and fried in patties, marinated in italian dressing and grilled
2. Green beans - cut and steamed, baked in a casserole, blanched and raw in a salad or crudite
3. Cauliflower - Mashed, whole, baked in a pie crust, blended with hominy
4. Tomatoes - Fresh, stewed, stuffed, pasta sauce
5. Spinach - Wilted and buttered, added to soup, creamed, hidden in meat 
6. Squash - Steamed and buttered, used in place of pasta, baked and sliced
7. Asparagus - Grilled, baked, blached and chopped into a salad or crudite
8. Cabbage - Coleslaw, sauerkraut, soup, egg rolls

Might try this if I get ambitious for a breakfast dish: http://www.cookingchanneltv.com/recipes/laura-calder/vegetable-terrine-2119358

-----

Getting a little stressed and anxious over the rejection. Flashing back to a coworker who said I was just a seat filler till they could get someone better. He was a jerk, but probably true.

Plus my dog is haunting my every move because I got up and got dressed. Makes me feel bad because I can't take her with me and she's bored anxious and lonely too.
----
Mom came home from jury duty and took me out for pizza and I feel so much better. I wonder if that anxious spinning feeling is hunger on an appetite suppressant medication?
------
Took the stress and anxiety and made pot roast in the slow cooker. Should be done around 8pm.
-----

I have defintiely had food turn out better. Apparently I bought chuck steak and it should have only cooked for 2 hours and I cooked it for 8. The caulitatoes should have been mashed, not mixe in the food processor. Zuchinni bread turned out soggy. It was still a decent meal but... let's just say my parents were mostly good sports.

----

S: Coffee + half and half

B: Baked egg omlette, paleo pumpkin bread/pudding

S: skipped

L: apple, peanut butter cup

S: 1:45pm 1/2 a garden salad, 1/2 a small pepperoni pizza, diet coke, water

extra snack - crazy hungry: big bowl of minestrone soup leftover from last week

D: Pot roast, caulitatoes

S: Zuchinni bread muffin