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happy-1 - Wednesday Nov 20, 2019
(20min AM Bike Ride, 5 min for each late snack)
Weight: 216.3

ON HOLD: 60 Day Push: Must ride bike 20 min in AM and for 5 min before eating after dinner.

Day 9 of days delayed on starting this push...

Cough cough. Hack hack. All the coughing scares the pets. It's 1:30 AM and the pets have not settled in yet. Everytime they lay down, I cough and scare them. Then the cat wants more dinner. Maybe this cat needs to go to OA.

I am just getting to bed because today has been a circus with dad. However, this morning when he started in as soon as he heard me moving, I bailed out and got coffee. I had a lovely, productive day of going through mail, handling business, getting a walk in, grabbing groceries, picking up Del Taco for dad, coming home to be in bed at 8pm... then another world war. I would hate to be our neighbors.

There was no getting to bed at that point... so I just had the fight. When a break presented itself, I cleaned up the front porch and the patio, walked my dog, came back in and had the next fight. In between fights I went through more of his papers and sorted them by company till I was burned out. Then I entertained the pets with some training. Dog actually does remember "sit"... I think I've been letting too much slide with her hips and dementia. She did it a couple of times till the cat got the idea, then went to "down" and stayed there and was happy to get a treat whenever the cat did "sit". My dog is all for getting treats when the cat earns them for her. The cat learned sit very quickly so the two of them dispatched a dixie cup of low sodium deli turkey in short order. Once it was gone, the cat would sit, expect the treat, and yowl his disappointment in my face. My big success was setting up a table and a placemat for him to work on... It was much easier to work with him when I didn't strain my back or neck, communicaton was easier when I could tell where his attention was going, and he enjoyed looking me directly in the eye to get his point across.

I think tomorrow night I can add the clicker.

Obstacle 6: Location of Cooler

Trying to manage blood sugar in the AM for exercise seems to require 100 calories of protein and fiber before, and then carbs and fiber after to keep level. The mini electric cooler is awesome, low power draw, and a good solution... but if the cord gets nudged it loses power and food spoils. I can see why it was on deep discount... if it is supposed to go in a car it wouldn't stay cold. I moved the cooler onto the desk hutch positioned next to the bike where I can easily see if the power light is on from anywhere in the room.

Also did a Costco run today so I was able to stock it with seltzer, hard boiled eggs, hummus cups, string cheese, and apple slices. Simple fare, but I'm not making gourmet meals these days... Just survival cooking.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Donkey on 11/20/2019:
I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties with dad (and I'm often sure that's an understatement). You still managed to accomplish quite a bit, though.

happy-1 on 11/20/2019:
It's like living next to an airport. You need to ignore all the noise from the airplanes and appreciate a blue bird.

BearCountryGG on 11/20/2019:
Hopefully things calm down a bit for you...sounds like you are wearing yourself down. I know how exhausting it is to deal with a combative person especially when they are not healthy.

happy-1 on 11/25/2019:
Hugs. Thank you.

happy-1 on 11/25/2019:
I think a wet cat is easier.

Maria7 on 11/20/2019:
My Siamese cat, Pretty Boy, knows what the command 'roll over' means and will do it immediately in anticipation of a treat. Cats are smart, like dogs are. I feel so sad for you about your stress you are going through. I am constantly advocating for Mama at the nursing home and some visits there are especially trying if she is having a particularly bad day (she suffers from Parkinson Psychosis Dementia, along with other conditions)... Caregiving is a huge challenge and saps your energy, leaving little left over to get ordinary daily tasks done. Thinking of you...

happy-1 on 11/25/2019:
That you got her into a nursing home is amazing. You're my hero.

Horn_of_plenty on 11/21/2019:
with the coughing, i hope you feel better. speaking of pets, i'm going to get a guniea pig!!!! they are fun and like to be held. so i figure, when i'm on the couch, i can put the pig in my lap! :)

ahhh, bed by 8pm! lately, all i do is want more and more sleep omg!

and of course tacos are tasty. lol. sorry it's hard lately with your dad. maybe it will pass and get a bit better soon.

my parents buy cases of seltzer at costco too. it helps to get a big container since they are always drank up so quickly.

happy-1 on 11/25/2019:
Aaaaw a guinea pig... Aren't they supposedly the same size as Smurfs... 3 apples high?

Maria7 on 11/22/2019:
Hope you are feeling better.

happy-1 on 11/25/2019:
Hugs, I am. Thank you.

happy-1 - Monday Nov 18, 2019
(20min AM Bike Ride, 5 min for each late snack)
Weight: 216.3

ON HOLD: 60 Day Push: Must ride bike 20 min in AM and for 5 min before eating after dinner.

Day 8 of days delayed on starting this push...

Conting days delayed instead because yesterday I was coughing too much to eat during the day while I was up moving around and then I was up till 5AM coughing my lungs out last night and too hungry to not eat. Thought I was ready but false start.

I have a million obstacles to all the things I want to do in my life but right now I am just focused on what is between me and the bike tomorrow morning (besides this !@#$%^&* cough).

Obstacle 3 to AM bike ride: Burning too much energy too late at night

I was also up too late till 1am cleaning... Which made me hungrier because of the late night energy burn... Then mental fatigue kept me from setting up the bike to ride it before a snack. I had taken it all apart to move the desk hutch next to the bike and hadn't put it back together yet. We have clocks in the kitchen but not in spots that are easy to see. So I bought 2 waterproof stickup clocks for $1.62 each with shipping on Ebay I can put over the kitchen sink and my bathroom sink. I'm sure I have kitchen timers (not waterproof) I can put there while they are on the slow boat from China.

If you are a fan of "The Good Place", my count has just dropped -1,000,000 and I have contributed to the Earth being rebooted.

Obstacle 4: Dog Guilt

I'm not walking my dog even for short walks and feel too guilty to get on the bike and take care of business in the am or pm. I have so little time left with my dog. How can I not use it to make her life full? I end up not getting on the bike or taking her for a walk. We both lose.

I need to do the same thing with the bike desk here... Remove all obstacles. I have a hook set I can put by the door and hang the leashes and dog walk clothes/hat/shoes... I just need to do it.

Clearing a corner of the yoga table to put it there in the meantime. 

Obstacle 5: Random Cat Poop Stresses Me Out

See any earlier post on any and all cat drama. Had the watershed moment last night after the rug was clean that I am perfectly capable of changing this cat's behavior. I got this dog to ride on the handlebars of my mom's wheelchair in the rain for multiple blocks. I can handle some pooping.

Logic... The cat does whatever the dog does as long as my pack leader energy level and behavior is consistent. If I fall off routine, the dog defaults to being a dog, but the cat defaults to being... not a dog. I can't handle non-dog behavior. The cat must be trained to do dog behavior autonomously.

Stop laughing... Here are all the things this cat and dog have learned to do:

  1. Go for walks (even past dogs, people, cars, or big noises)
  2. Ignore other animals and prey while on an outing
  3. Stop and come back when called while off leash
  4. Sleep together
  5. Eat together without crossing bowls side by side in harmony
  6. Not to bark or yowl after sundown
  7. Patiently comply with baths and grooming
  8. Ride in the car wearing seatbelts
  9. Go to the park (was harder to get the cat to do this)
  10. Be carried in bags (they both do this, the dog just needs a new bag)
  11. Be carried on my shoulders (the dog will do a sling around with paws on either side, the cat will ride like a parrot... not at the same time)
  12. Ride along on a bike (the cat will go along in his bag, the dog doesn't run any more but is fine with her trailer)
  13. Get coffee at Starbucks and chill at the tables outside, let kids pet them

So, building on strengths and reinforcing pack behavior. Tonight, the cat is going to learn to sit and roll over. The dog will be very much entertained. It will be easier if my dog remembers. It's a toss up. She might do it a couple of times for a high value treat... like hamburger patty. Poor dementia doggie. All that stuff dissapeared around 15... 9 or so years ago.

Random memory flashback... I used to put packs of peanuts and beer in my dog's backpack and send her around the campsite to deliver goodies.

What should I do for my dog's birthday?

I wonder if the cat would like to go camping?

Do do they make cold weather gear and boots for cats?

Would I have to have a litterbox in the tent?

I miss my mom. I wish she was here to yell at me not to take her cat camping.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Maria7 on 11/19/2019:
Sounds like the cat will have a good time camping. You are very strong to tote them. You are good to everybody...you Dad, your dog and cat...make sure to be good to yourself, too. Do something special 'just for you'!

Donkey on 11/19/2019:
When the time is right, you will be able to start your biking routine.

Love the cat/dog stories!

legcramps on 11/19/2019:
You are so funny :)

I agree with Donkey, take your time with the biking and when it's time to start, you'll know. Be gentle with yourself.

Horn_of_plenty on 11/19/2019:
with the biking, maybe reduce to 5 minutes in the morning! :)

also, lots of food for thought in your entry. you have a lot you have been thinking about..

happy-1 - Sunday Nov 17, 2019
(Bike before I snack till 1/17/2020)
Weight: 216.3

60 Day Push: Must ride bike 20 min in AM and for 5 min before eating after dinner. Day 1

Woke up nearly human today. I credit all the zinc lozenges, mucinex, a round with my nebulizer yesterday, and evicting the cat and dog from my bedroom while I sleep so they can have heat. I am hiding in my room before I walk out to all the demanding animals and pets to read and comment here.

Restarting my 60 day challenge today. 

I am better enough that I feel ok as long as I don't eat, move, talk, or breathe... So that leaves me with small tasks for getting more organized and removing obstacles.

Obstacle 1: Afraid to go on real walks with dog in case I can't get her home.

Found this on Ebay for $15... So I can get my old dog to starbucks and the park again... I have a blue ikea shopping bag to stick her in if things do not go as planned, but it is hard to carry her any distance on just my shoulder so it makes me not want to go all the way to the park anymore.  


Obstacle 2: Need a desk to set everything up on so I can do morning routine on the bike.

How lazy am I???? SO LAZY. My theory is if I put everything that is on my nightstand on a table in front of the bike, it will be the path of least resistance from when the alarm goes off to actually waking up. If it isn't easier to stay in bed, maybe I will get off my ass and onto the bike.

I will move the following items to this desk:

  • TV remote
  • Laptop
  • Phone

I will also move my dad's old desk hutch by the trainer so that I can put the other items I might possibly need while on the bike, but within arm's reach so there are no excuses!!!!!

  • Mini electric cooler
  • Alarm clock
  • Meds, vitamins, meter, inhaler
  • Floss, mints
  • Coffee maker (set up with coffee night before)
  • Electric cooler with cold water and snacks
  • Kleenex
  • Trash can
  • Light reading


Update: Cat pooped the dining room again. He's not yowling to get out  of the bathroom. I think he knows he's better off in there right now.

Caught myself spinnng negative after I ran the spot bot. Just put the leash on him and we are a leash with supervision or bathroom kitty again. 

He seems to be fine with this. He's on the pillow next to my head on a blanket.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 11/17/2019:
whoa! that's one interesting dog carry bag! Are you really going to get it!? I wonder if the dog will be patient enough to relax in it?

Next, i hear you in feeling lazy. I am sure you aren't always lazy. I want to say i can empathize with you on feeling that kind of way but i also understand all your obstacles a bit (though i haven't experienced all of them - especially with your dad), but i can understand how it can wear you down. I hope you feel better and can take a breather soon. You aren't lazy all the time at all. So try to see yourself in a better light :)

That bike trainer / wheel holder is awesome. I ended up getting the indoor bike, as you know ;)

happy-1 on 11/18/2019:
If my dog isn't down for it, it was only $15 with free shipping. My dog is pretty patient, and I'd only put her in it when she gets too tired to keep walking... so not a lot of resistance. When my mom was in a wheel chair, I took her for a walk to see an Easter egg hunt... went the wrong way and my dog got tired, so I had to lean over the back bar and carry my dog in my arms across the back while pushing the wheel chair. My dog was totally down for it and didn't wiggle at all. She'll do pretty much anything for a walk. The only drawback is that I sure hope her diaper doesn't leak.

Horn_of_plenty on 11/17/2019:
you know, for some reason i'm reminded of Marajuana with that shower curtain lol...but it is very nice...and i am very weird!

interesting idea with the clear envelopes so you can see the papers...

lots of good brainstormed ideas in your entry today :)

happy-1 on 11/18/2019:
Yeah I took anything not fitness related off this post... but they were good steps forward... now I just need to do all the projects I bought the materials for, right?

Donkey on 11/18/2019:
The dog backpack looks like a good idea if your back can handle it. I like it!

happy-1 on 11/18/2019:
I wouldn't do it as plan A, but in a pinch if it's taking too long to take breaks on the way back and I need to get home... it looks like it will roll up small enough to fit in the loops for my waist pack where jackets go. I could get an external load hauler pack for it, but that would be hard to lug to and from the dog park. I could have cut holes in an old duffel bag I have for free, but it wouldn't be lightweight and roll up.

BearCountryGG on 11/18/2019:
How long do you ride for?

happy-1 on 11/18/2019:
Starting with 20 min in the morning and then 5min at night for each late night snack. If I had felt better last night I would have ridden an additional 20 min last night. Not doing it for cardio yet... Just to get over the mental hurdle.

legcramps on 11/18/2019:
Glad you're feeling better!

happy-1 on 11/18/2019:
Thank you!!!!

happy-1 - Sunday Nov 17, 2019
(Bike before I snack till 1/10/2020)
Weight: 216.3

Day 6 of bottomless pit of despair 

Having a seriously hard time getting motivated to do anything about anything. I just have a whole lot of "give up" in me. Partially it is because I guy I was talking to on JustOKcupid tried to cheer me up with an inappropriate holiday animated gif. If I knew him better... I would have found it funny. Instead it was just creepy and declared him untouchable... Popped my hope bubble.

Spent the day in bed coughing and eating junk food for the 6th day in a row. I'm afraid to step on the scales on Monday. I tried putting on yoga shorts and my middle ballooned out over the top of them like a Macy's Day float.

Slapped myself in the face and put contact paper in one drawer of the kitchen. Changed my sheets and washed all the blanets. Vacuumed the kitchen floor. Made my dad clean up his dishes. Washing my dad's sheets.

Thankfully, even though my dad has the heat in the house cranked up to 80, none of it reaches my bedroom.

Setting my alarm tomorrow. If I'm coughing too much to be in public I will get drive through coffee but I need to leave the house for 2 hours tomorrow and see daylight.

How did I miss that they made a season 5 of "Bosch"? 

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Donkey on 11/17/2019:
It's no fun being sick. Once you are over this inconvenience, you can deal with everything full force. (I hate being sick.)

My phone keeps subbing "duck" for "sick". Yes, I hate being a duck, too...

happy-1 on 11/17/2019:
That's one sick duck!!!!

happy-1 - Thursday Nov 14, 2019
(Bike before I snack till 1/10/2020)
Weight: 216.3

I will have to reset my "push" after this head cold passes. I could be a Nyquil ad.

Cat is unhappy with the disruption in service from his human and let me know by pooping in the bed next to me. He has been exiled to the bathroom where he is yowling and scratching at the door. Why did I get a cat? 

Canceled doc appt today. Can't do the drive.


Cold turned into a cough and I napped for a little bit. I had a dream about my mom. I was little, we were on the couch and she gave me a cuddle. I tried very hard to stay in the dream but as soon as I was aware I was awake and it dissipated.

That makes two hugs and a cuddle from the great beyond. Maybe she saw me having a hard time with her cat.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

innerpeace on 11/14/2019:
hope you feel better, for the cat's sake.

happy-1 on 11/15/2019:
Oh the cat is not mistreated, I just don't know any other way to give him a "time out". I can tell my dog to go sit in the bed, but I can't get the cat to do that. The bathroom has a bed, litter box, food, and water and he is let out as soon as someone has to use it.

BearCountryGG on 11/14/2019:
This might be why the cat was needing a home. Hopefully he will get acclimated....they do thrive on routines.

happy-1 on 11/15/2019:
He is very smart and an excellent communicator. I have zero doubt it is because he was expressing his displeasure and feeling that the dog gets more love and treats.

happy-1 on 11/15/2019:
He's also very well mannered for a cat... I just think he has certain standards and he lets me know he will not tolerate me being slovenly and slipping.

questforthebest on 11/14/2019:
Haha You can send the cat to me! I'm a bit far away though lol but we are, mildly, a crazy cat couple :)

happy-1 on 11/15/2019:
I give him a hug and feel connected to my mom... But I will keep the offer in mind!

Donkey on 11/15/2019:
I hope you feel better soon! I dreamt that I had a croupy cough.

I do believe that loved ones reach out to us in dreams. This has happened to me with 2 people I've lost, with an occasional revisit.

You have a good cat. He's just a little out of sorts right now.

happy-1 on 11/17/2019:
He's being inconsistent. One day he likes me, one day he doesn't. It is super aggravating. It's like why put the effort in. He's just going to want to hang out with my dad no matter what.

legcramps on 11/15/2019:
Feel better soon!

happy-1 on 11/17/2019:
Ty. Back on my feet today. Too cough-y for church but I can clean the kitchen and do real groceries

Maria7 on 11/15/2019:
You're doing what you have to with the cat. At least it has a warm place to stay in the bathroom. I am sure that the dream you had was comforting. After my very loved Grandma passed many years ago, I still say to this day that she came to me and I saw her right after she'd passed...I woke up in the early morning hours, when it was still dark outside, and there she was in front of me but not facing me, serenely gliding by through the air, quietly, as if she was letting me know she was all right...then she lifted up towards the ceiling and vanished. I didn't know she'd just passed (at the nursing home) til hours later that day...But to this day, I truly believe it was her. She helped raise me, living next door to us when I was little and had a tremendous influence on the person I am today, having instilled Christian values in me from a young age and taught me many things about love just from her example.

happy-1 on 11/20/2019:
Oh I'm gonna cry my eyes out. Augh...

horn_of_plenty on 11/16/2019:
I hope you feel better ! Sorry about cat accident.

Try to take one moment at a time - maybe next time do not cancel dr until a little later in the day so maybe you will feel better and not cancel it by that time :) just a suggestion bc I feel you wake up and decide right away it’s not a good day but maybe it can improve as the day and moments continue :)

happy-1 - Wednesday Nov 13, 2019
(Bike before I snack till 1/10/2020)
Weight: 216.3

Day 3 of riding before snacking 

So far haven't pulled this off, mostly because the late night snacking is happening at night and I am up till all hours. Last night 5AM because:

  • Dad wouldn't get out of his chair and go to bed with his legs up so we could go out today.
  • The cat wouldn't sleep in my bed, and yowled in the bathroom (I don't want dad stepping barefoot in kitty poop and the cat's having a hard time with constipation vs diarrhea... How much milk is too much milk to make a cat regular?).
  • I was also just miserable with my head cold and the Nyquil didn't help.

Annual physical tomorrow. Critical step in putting myself back together and getting back to work.

Fight with dad last night because he announced he wouldn't pay for the cat's dental work and I hadn't asked him to. I identify with the cat, so him saying he wouldn't do it for the cat reminded me of how he wouldn't get me dental work as a kid.

I will work on being a better, less angry person today.


Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 11/13/2019:
As far as I know cats should not be given milk. Just put out a clean dish of water and a bowl of dry food.....and if you want, some canned cat food can be put out as well...but nothing else. Hope the kittys problem clears up. Your dad may be more comfortable sleeping in a chair of he has congestive heart failure......

happy-1 on 11/13/2019:
He's supposed to be able to sleep in the recliner, but can't see his laptop from there. He's sleeping in a desk chair on wheels and hunching forward. He's going to fall on his face.

questforthebest on 11/13/2019:
Sending big hugs <3 sorry you're having such a hard time with your Dad

legcramps on 11/14/2019:
I really wish there was something you could do about constantly fighting with Dad. It's not a good situation for either of you to be in and I feel that you are such a caring and kind person and that life is just being sucked away from you. I cared for my Dad for a few months before he died, and I know a little bit about being the caregiver. But I also was able to keep my distance - an entirely different situation than yours. Your health always comes first.

Donkey on 11/14/2019:
Shouldn't give adult cats milk...

Donkey on 11/14/2019:
I hope you can work things out with dad. You've given a lot to help him, even if he can't appreciate your efforts at this time.

horn_of_plenty on 11/16/2019:
Love your new challenge of bike riding before snacking ....

I think your dad May not be able to always communicate effectively with you and maybe don’t take his words to heart anymore

happy-1 - Tuesday Nov 12, 2019
(Bike before I snack till 1/10/2020)
Weight: 216.3

Day 2 of riding bike before snacking.

So far I owe the bike 15 minutes from last night's snacks. Dad wanted desert (made him an ensure blended with frozen mango) which made me hungry so I had cherry tomatoes, then a kaiser roll with butter... and a second roll with butter.

I am seriously considering getting an overbed desk for the bike to put my laptop on.

The way this lady has hers setup looks like a good way to do it... Her TV is on a separate shelf and then her laptop or phone is next to her handlebars. If she added aero bars, she could lean forward and type while riding.

Nothing like a morning @gozwift - even if you have to set the alarms early in order to beat the heat ☀️with @amyshorephotography (someone wants to unlock her @assosofswitzerland #zwiftmission jersey - set #fans to freeze Mr Sulu! ❄️#rideon #zwift #summersun #indoorcycling #ride #bike #cycle #cycling #trainingday #training #londoncourse

Biggest consideration is that it is not non-tip like the $300 ones I see for bikes... This is $40 and I like the back edge so I can't push a coffee cup onto the floor... Maybe I can find a bracket at a hardware store and screw a broom handle into it for a third leg. There's tons of these out there but I don't see any in people's bike trainer setups. They all have tray tables next to their bikes.

UNKU Adjustable Overbed Table, Laptop Cart Laptop Table With Wheels, Dark Grain

Woke up with a sore throat and body aches. Hope it's just that I forgot to turn on the fan filters and I'm not getting sick. 

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Donkey on 11/12/2019:
I have a larger cardboard box (held a CPU) next to my bike, to place my coffee, water bottle, TV remotes, phone.

legcramps on 11/13/2019:
Sometimes I pull up a tv tray and use that, other times i'll position my bike so that it's near an apparatus I can put my water bottles on, like the dinner table, or a window ledge. If i'm using my laptop, i'll just put it down on a side table - even if i'm looking down at it, it's good enough honestly. My bike is in my living room so I can roll it right up to my tv also. Then I just get off my bike if I need to change the channel, you tube video, etc. It's really not a big deal. All I can see in getting a special stand for your laptop is a waste of money.

legcramps on 11/13/2019:
/| /| | | only my opinion!! sorry if I sounded aggressive there!

happy-1 - Monday Nov 11, 2019
(Bike before I snack till 1/10/2020)
Weight: 216.3

Day 1 of 60 days of biking before I snack

This is after midnight... but I wanted to just dump out here... Got into a fight with my dad because I was running around and being a little terse and he asked me what was wong and why I was unhappy and I indulged myself and told him why... I don't know why I did it. I knew his apology would just be a cop out and infuriating. He won't do anything about making amends. All I did was create more stress and drama.

Basically I shared that I am still upset about my birthday 2 weeks later...  He said I am sorry you are still upset about your birthday. You have no idea what you do to me every day. When we went I was hungry and tired. I told him that I feel that apology was a cop out.

More today/tomorrow. I did my checklist as much as I could. I'm just turning off the computer and going to bed.


Dad at least tried calling the meal delivery service today. I was pretty impressed... That would be a huge load off me. I feel like I do nothing but go to the grocery store and I can't get him to eat in a structured way so he is always hungry.

Got dad to a doctors appointment today for leg wraps. He started crying after because mom always took him to do that and helped him when he was using bandages. I wish I had helped her more. The house was so full of stuff I could never think past how overwhelming it was.

My big victory today was figuring out why I wasn't getting any resistance on the trainer, getting on the bike for 20 min, and getting my heartrate up to the 130s for 20 min. My dog was fascinated and kept sticking her head by the pedal and getting knocked in the face the whole time. I think she was remembering when I used to ride my bike and she'd run next to me. Poor old dementia doggie. I luv her.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Donkey on 11/11/2019:
I can see why you chose to "go there "... sometimes you just get to the point where it has to come out.

I see what you're saying about the apology feeling like a cop-out, too. (((hugs)))

happy-1 on 11/11/2019:
I am looking forward to the caregiver group that is starting up again in January. It's hard to figure out what is sharing my thoughts vs being mean vs setting boundaries when my dad is really not able to do anything for himself and is completely dependent on me... and there is nobody else in his life here regularly.

happy-1 on 11/11/2019:
But also maybe it was good. He looked at one of the completed forms I filled out and reviewed it... this one was for the meal delivery service.

questforthebest on 11/11/2019:
hi there, yoh family dynamics. can get so complicated... I have been learning, the very hard way, that sometimes we need to accept that people will not live up to our expectations and just allow them to be. I also always project my expectation onto people and find I am often disappointed.

Cute doggie! so curious <3

happy-1 on 11/12/2019:
She's the best. I love that she has a happy memory she wants to relive.

happy-1 on 11/12/2019:
Expectations are the root of disappointment.

BearCountryGG on 11/12/2019:
As someone about the same age as your Dad.....I can see his mighty fight to hang onto his own life as he knows it......Our kids ( who are in their 50's).... frequently are now referring to and treating us as if we are just on deaths doorstep ( we even think that about ourselves at times)...but we want to keep control of our own lives as long as we can. We want to be happy as I'm sure your Dad does as well....we have our favorite foods, we have our favorite pass times...we just want to be happy and relatively comfortable...just as we have our entire lives. When the time comes for me to need help from my sons...I hope that they will allow me to be me.....and will help me if I ask.....dignity is so important in our happiness and it is freeing for our kids so that they can continue to live their own lives........I know you want the best for your Dad......and that might just be to let him be himself and life what life he has left be lived as he sees fit and you will be able to live your life better too. I've been the caretaker....it isn't easy at all.......don't forget that time waits for no one.....enjoy your life right now too.

happy-1 on 11/13/2019:
I think you guys are probably in your 70's then? He's younger but his biological age is closer to lat 80's early 90's because he just sat in his recliner and never moved for 37 years and ate junk food, never saw anyone but my mom, etc. His mind is still going and he's trapped in his body and a slave to his appetite for junk food.

He isn't just trying to hang onto his own life, he's just this side of suicidal and desperately unhappy, and doesn't understand why his life isn't perfect and I didn't turn out as awesome as my cousins did who are corporate lawyers, CEOs, UN leaders... But that all takes a lot of work and we were on the other side of the country.

I'm picking up his habits and following his path and I need to turn that around.

Maria7 on 11/12/2019:
You are a wonderful Daughter.

happy-1 - Sunday Nov 10, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 60 of 60 of no contact with ex and making every day count

I can’t believe I crossed a finish line for anything  I set for myself as a goal. I have never managed to do that for myself... I always fell off as soon as I hit any road bump. Just now as I am writing this, I realized that what it was was a simple substitution... Instead of texting my ex or calling him or crying about him... I had to do something from my project plan to make that day count. Didn’t matter what the priority was or if something else would have helped more... I just did whatever my energy was at for handling task complexity. I apologize for the 40 or so days I did not read other people’s logs or respond to comments... I will look and read and pick up my slack. Between my mom’s passing, my dad’s health and drama, complete and total heartbreak over my ex, overwhelm at the sheer total of work ahead of me, I just went down and after it with blinders on for a little bit.

Since my biggest self destructive act right now is eating snacks after dinner, my next 60 day push is just to ride my bike on the trainer for an Alexa 5 min timer before I eat anything after dinner. Not intensely, just lightly to make myself wait and resolve whatever is eating me instead of eating my emotions. I will keep a pair of shoes and a bottle of water by the bike at all times to make this easier.

I celebrated my success and set a goal for the next 60 day push... To fit into an "oversized" Lululemon size 12 rain jacket to replace my disintegrating windbreaker... I had to do it... it was on clearance, it is long enough to cover my butt after yoga, and packs down into a belt bag. No returns... so I have to make it fit. 

Bedtime checklist helped me start getting back to a routine today. I woke up, started coffee, got dressed, and got to church (late but I made it). The substitution I need to make is to put a different alarm clock there... It is too hard to reset and hitting any button changes the time. I was up till 2:30 am trying to get my dad to go to bed ao he wouldn’t fall out of his chair and then slept too late. My alarm was my cat who decided enough was enough and I should get up and feed him. Good kitty.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Donkey on 11/10/2019:
Good idea on the after dinner bike ride! It has worked for me.

Congratulations on completing 60 days!!!

happy-1 on 11/11/2019:
Thank you!!!!!!

Hugs. You were the inspiration. Would really have helped me tonight.

Donkey on 11/11/2019:
Love the jacket!

happy-1 on 11/11/2019:
Spendy... but I couldn't resist something that will make life so much easier when the Santa Ana winds start up.

happy-1 - Saturday Nov 09, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 59 of 60

Made this morning count by staying on track to get to yoga and coming back to take dad out, no matter what. It was the plan and I stuck to my agenda.

Didn't actually make it out. Dad worked himself up into an anxiety spin over an errand we wee supposed to do together and his breakfast came back up. He spent the day stewing in anger, yelling at me everytime he saw me. I just turned around and went back to my bedroom each time. This, however, meant I made no progress on the kitchen.

All the more reason to work on fitness and self care.

Bedtime checklist super helped. Tonight I put the alarm clock next to the coffee maker so I turn it on faster.

Meeting a friend at church tomorrow. Just braving "all the people" to keep one friend. It's worth it.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 11/09/2019:
Sounds like you are planning ahead really well......

happy-1 on 11/10/2019:
Trying. Plan A, plan B, plan c... lol. I think I might be on plan Z!

Donkey on 11/10/2019:
Ugh, no fun to get yelled at all day :-(

happy-1 on 11/11/2019:
Yeah... Exhausting. My challenge is going to be to stay centered and control how I interpret the events going on around me. If a parrot squawked nonstop I would not take it personally. I need to think about it like the normal noise he makes.

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