225.5. Normal weight fluctuation. Scale moving in the right direction though...

Woke up at 7, skipped church to clean the kitchen so I don't have any accidental $30 food days this week and then got to lunch with friends at 1. Then I headed out to Costco to replace the microwave (I have lost 12 hours in 3 days to the stupid broken microwave drama and this morning was a nightmare. Both my parents were complaining and barking at me while I was cleaning up for 4h... AAAAAUGH SERENITY NOW). It's 4:30 and I am chilling at Starbuks and working on my interview test.

Today I risked the weight loss speed vs how soon I need it game and bought a paddle suit in a size L (think a one piece swimsuit to wear over your two piece with long sleeves as a rashguard that won't ride up). Not totally sold on it because there's no hood and it's not a bright color (safety)... but it was $40 and you have to just grab it when you see something at Costco and return it later. 

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Crazy lady at starbucks ended my time at that workspace. They were open till 12 but I had to bail at 7:30. Aaargh

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Ruined my purchase of the new bathroom faucet microwave and electric kettle by saying when my mom asked me "Why did you buy that? It's a waste of money!" that "Dad keeps complaining that they don't work and I don't know how or have rhe bandwidth to fix them and I can't listen to it anymore." My dad got really upset and said that I steal all good feeling and just make him miserable. Got yelled at for a good 30 min by my dad. UGH.

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Yep, it's war. Dad is going to make me absolutely miserable until something major happens and he switches back to my mom. I am feeling that cbd oil for people i saw online. I'm running away and never coming home again.

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Dad kept me up till 3 am hounding me about the microwave. I finally had to wake up my mom and ask her to run interference for me so I could sleep and wake up to finish the interview test.

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B: Too much fro yo, orange drink

S: piece of string cheese. apple slices

L;  burger lettuce wrap, sweet potato fries, coffee halfn half

S: Starbucks brownie, moral support :-)

S: 4 chicken tenders from food4less deli. Saved the rest for my pup.

D: Turkey bacon sandwich at starbucks. Earl grey rea w half n half, cake pop.

S: i kind of forget what I ate after I got home. I think it was two cheese sticks. Then after my dad woke me up I went and got frozen yogurt. Why is there so much peace of mind at the bottom of frozen yogurt?

Helping instructor get class back on track after throwing him to the wolves with his boss and the EDD. Forcing him to do a 5 hour class and also to take breaks... I am glad I packed double food. He is diabetic with an A1C of 7.5 that has been 9 and higher and his plan was to order a pizza for lunch. Sugar crash for sure. I packed a bunch of snacks for the class because I felt like an ****, then decided not to bring them in because I have nothing to apologize for... but am super glad I did because he just doesn't have the physical endurance to teach a class for 5 hours.

Poor guy. I'm going to make him do the job he is being paid for, but I'll help him do it as much as I can.

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Oh the joys of having to force an instructor to do his ****ing job! He actually said he doesn't want this job! Asking for a different instructor to finish the class. I had to hand hold him the whole way through writing up a course outline, and then actually complete the lesson today and he bailed an hour and a half early. We only did a 20 min break for lunch and he thought that was too long and if I hadn't forced him to break by standing up and leaving to go to the bathroom, he wouldn't have done it.

And It was hearbreaking because I can tell he's got diabetic brain fog setting in.

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B- oatmeal without the chia/hemp/ flax mix in because I am out, frozen yogurt with dark chocolate coconut chips. Holy **** that's good. Had two bowls.

S: mcdonalds sugar free coffee, egg white sausage bowl

S: hummus, carrots, 2 hard boiled eggs

S: hummus, carrots, water

L: baja salad bag, turkey, cheese stick

S: sugar free vanilla latte, strawberry rhubarb mini muffin from us foods

S: bag of honey roasted peanuts. Yum

Ms: 1/2 cup mac n cheese, 1 cheese stick, sweet potato crackers

Today was sooo fubar. Ack. So tired... and the microwave not working stole 2h of my time because my dad keeps bugging my mom about going out for a hamburger so she keeps bugging me and I should go out but I just can't because I'm sleep deprived and crampy. And my dad is mad at me because I ate the last of the frozen yogurt I BOUGHT.

SERENITY NOW

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B: Coffee, half and half

S: denver omlete, cheese, diet coke

S: piece of toast w cottage cheese

L: Beans/Rice/potatoes/cheese/sour cream, avocado, diet coke

S: frozen yogurt

D: Mac n cheese, broccoli, tomato, turkey burger

Emotional and hormonal after dinner eating... Huge amounts of frozen yogurt. But at least shark week has come and I feel better. Omg. I have to have a serious discussion w God on the unfairness of hormones.

228.4, but that's still normal weight fluctuation. I tried on my new underwear this morning and was shocked that it fit... Only a size L. It has been so long since I have put on anything that wasn't the size of a car cover, I almost fell over in shock. I'm in "normal range" physically.

Getting today off on the right foot. Was up at 7, did my hair, drank my coffee (with half n half, but I'll work my way back to coconut creamer once my habits are on track), ate my power overnight oats, and fixed all my alarm settings.

Gave my dog one 4mg CBD oil treat first thing and was thrilled she ate her vitamin supplements straight away without any complaint. My dog kind of restlessly moves from place to place when I am trying to focus so I gave her a second CBD oil treat and she is snoozing at my feet on her dog bed. I hope this lasts a few hours.

It's almost 9am. Gathering my thoughts here.

1. Interview is at 12 so my next 3h are researching the company
2. Then I will sort out the EDD
3. Afterwards, I will scratch the itch of reorganizing the freezer and fridge, put my last tray of frozen chicken thighs on to broil, and setup meal preps
4. Not happening: Then I will put coolers in my car and hit the cigar bar to do homework... maybe checkout a dog-friendly brewery to see what the vibe is on a Thursday night vs a Friday night to figure out if I want to do a meetup there. There is also a burgher place nearby to look in on
5. Instead: I will sit at home and do homework.
6. I will go to bed on time tonight so I can be up on time to get K and take her to her MRI
7. On my way home I will go food shopping. Friday is good for this because all the sales have switched over for the week

Things I will not think about right now:

• My evil monster ex who I am supposed to see tomorrow.
• All the personal paperwork I haven't done that is waiting to explode in my face like a bomb.

Grrr. Get after it.  Forgive me, but I'm staying on track by posting here.

BORING BELOW-------

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Phone screen down. They want a case study. Aaack. Haven't saved anything old.

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Disqualified on interview yesterday. Experience not a match. Which is true. Ah, well.

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Attacked the fridge and made lunch at the same time... Threw out/recycled anything that was a little iffy or just dregs... the last few drops. I figure it is cheaper to be able to find stuff than have another $30 food day. Between extra plasticware recycling last night and stuff from the fridge, that's like 3 laundry hampers of plastic containers into the recycling bin. Augh.

Took 2 hours!!!!! Only partway through meal prep. Had to stop, shove what I hadn't gone through yet in a box and sit down and take a break. I swear I did this recently, but it was completely disgusting. It took forever to do very little.

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Asked EDD caseworker how to fill out the UI form and opened up a hornets nest with the school. Instead of doing homework, I get to do a writeup of the class instruction issues and explain why I only have 6-7 hours of instruction completed when I should have 38.

So now I get to spend my evening writing up the issue, which is fine because the instructor didn't send the files I needed to do my homework anyway.

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B - 7.30 - Power oatmeal, coffee, half n half

S - Kellogs crustless quiche, 2 cups spinach, 1/2 a small yam, butter I think. might have been margerine.

L - Chicken,1/2 a small yam, butter, 2 cups spinach.

S - 3pm and fridge cleanout was a mess. grabbed a frozen cheese pizza and split it with my dad.

D - (Botched dinner, fixing and serving tomorrow) 2 corn tortillas and some cheddar cheese. 2 cups of spinach and butter. That was then joined by my magically cured cuban black beans and brown salsa rice. And some cheese, avocado, sour cream, and a veggie burger. I don't want to think about the calories

S - A LOT of fudge vanilla swirl froyo. Topped with... Packet of butter finger bites, frozen!

MS - I don't know how many more corn tortilla quesedillas. 8 tortillas, olive oil, and cheese. I have to count how many are left.

No weigh in. Too off track to pull that together. Went out to a meetup w a friend yesterday and had fun. Then I stayed up till 1 am watching tv w my mom. I need to put that outdoor timer back. I took it off while dog sitting but time to put it back. Sleep meds keep me down for exactly 9h and so I didn't wake up till 10, meds kicked in at 11 then it took me 1.5 h to get my things in order ao I can start my day. Starting my journal here helps keep me on track...

The meetup was fun and K said I needed new jeans... apparently that pound I just lost was all butt fat because my jeans were hanging in the back like I had been wearing enormous butt enhancers and taken them out. Almost comical. We went to H&M and I found 2 interview outfits (2 black pants, vibrant blue shirt, vibrant green button down shirt) and a presentable dress. No jeans though. I will have to keep looking. H&M sizing is really weird. I was a 14 on top and an 18 on the bottom. I hope those aren't real 18s that are going to start expanding as I wear them. Kind of alarming and at $127 way more than I can spend on anything iffy. I am sad to see my jeans go into the "too big" bag because I always felt sexy in them and the destroyed styling made them really comfy.

Today I need to respond to my job interview from yesterday and tackle personal paperwork and get ready for a job interview tomorrow at 12.

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Brain refuses to get in like today. Kitchen is in too much chaos to cook in... it needs a third full day of sorting out to be able to get actual meals prepped in there. Aaaaargh. Ran out and bought lunch today.

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Got the interview question response together. At least my brain worked that much. Other than that though I am just too hungry to think straight when I am at home. I have a phone screen tomorrow I am not prepared for but I just need to get up early to take care of it.

I literally couldn't think all day today because I was so hungry and the kitchen was so daunting. I ended up spending roughly $30 on food today because I ate one meal out and then had mostly prepared foods. After my mom went to bed, I attacked it. I put a bunch of extra / odd size / not tight sealing plastic containers in the recycling bin... praying my mom doesn't catch me. I also cleaned the kitchen, washed 3 sinkfuls of dishes, started meal prep for memorial day weekend, cleaned the shared bathroom, did a load of laundry, and changed the couch cover.

Tomorrow I need to get up and out early to focus on interview prep, then reorganize the freezer and fridge and set up meal prep for the week. Even if I don't have everything I need to do it I can at least get started by breaking what I do have into single servings so it is more accessible, sort recipe ingredients into aluminum trays, and make a shopping list.

No more $30 food days that are bad but quasi healthy. Augh. I could have seen a movie or had a night out.

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B: protein cookie, pack of roasted peanuts, water

L: double cheeseburger lettuce wrap, sweet potato fries, water

S: protein ice cream... 20g of protein for 330 cal!

S: another protein ice cream, cheaper than another meal out.

D: jacks frozen pizza

No weigh in. Can't take it today... Date last night was soul-killing on a meta level. I don't think guys really check out profiles. I could tell as soon as I walked up that he was startled by my height, or maybe my pictures from a couple of months ago aren't current anymore.... but I am only 5lbs lighter and my hair is the same so go figure... I went along to be polite, but knew he wanted out. He was shocked when I asked for separate checks... I guess women don't do that... I said I thought it's just a hello, I'm sorry I didn't realize it was a date... I don't expect anything from a first meetup.... Like if you have a decent conversation maybe then you go on a date. I guess I just get really nervous meeting new people and I need some time to warm up and I try not to put any extra pressure on myself. We had a nice enough conversation. He's in his 40s, skinny, withdrawn. He said he used to be an alcoholic and weighed 200lbs, but fixed that by switching to caffeine-free diet coke. Apparently he also used to hang out at the drag-racing circuit. There's something about the sobered up party boys that just isn't any fun. They are kind of flat somehow.

Anyway this morning I sent "Hey! It was good to meet you. It kind of seemed like you didn't think I matched my profile. So that I can do better, would you mind giving me a couple of tips on what either didn't match or what I could do better?"

No answer. Crickets.

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After I got home from my date last night, I tried to wash mybig 5 day cooler out in the tub. It slipped and knocked me on the bridge of my nose. My eyes are puffy but no black bruises. I got lucky with my lucky shot. Killer headache though. All I can think about is how bad I wish I had a gel eye mask. I have ice packs but something I can just tie on and hold in place...

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Up: ? I had a hard time getting out of bed.

? - coffee w vanilla coffeemate creamer. Need to hit grocer. Prepped oatmeal but can't get head around eating it.

? - 2 cheese quesedillas, water.

1:20ish - Burrito bowl (homemade) before 1:30pm phone screen.

Back up to 226. Normal weight fluctuation after weight loss, but it still made me sad. Still, I ate more or less on track yesterday and made a point to start my day off well, and last night I set myself up for success today with overnight oats and coffee all set up to go. I also made dog food for the week and washed most of the dishes.

Today I will do my hair and makeup and otherwise get date-ready then head down to my favorite Corner Bakery to do homework before I go meet a guy off JustOKcupid. He picked a beach bar and grill at 7 which sounds fun. Might go a little early to catch sunset.

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I liked the meu daily challenge... would love to know how you would answer it... "Name 1 healthy activity that you do to help manage stress.. List one healthy activity that you do to minimize or manage stress in your life. Here are a few to get you started: take a walk, knit, jog, play with a pet, soak in a bubble bath, clean, or hug a friend. For most people, there's no way around having at least some stress. But having healthy ways to counteract it can make all the difference! When we take part in activities that we like, it helps to boost our endorphins, feel-good chemicals that our bodies make naturally. When you're distracted and doing something you like, it's also harder to worry about things that might be stressing you out, another bonus. Celebrities who have publicly proclaimed their love for knitting include Meryl Streep, Cameron Diaz, and Russell Crowe."

My answer was: "This is easy, dog walks. Sometimes I am too stressed to go, and I forget that it actually helps... but I go and I enjoy the walk by watching my dog enjoy the walk and all my stress slides off and I am free to tackle the things that make me stressed. I also journal daily in an online journal."

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Today a recruiter asked "What have you done since the layoff at ****** company?" I said a stupid answer.... "Since ****** closed their North American office and did the layoff, I have done a contract at **** (BA/QA Analyst) and I am currently in a QA class at *******. I also have taken up hiking/HITT workouts and lost 92lbs... Not sure if that's relevant to their question, but it's what I have been doing while looking for work. I go to a bootcamp up in ****** and do the online challenge."

No answer. Crickets.

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Bouncing back from the bad answer I sent the recruiter by booking spots on two group car  camping trips... Idywild and Death Valley. Get me out of here and out in nature before I explode!

Both are in September... But mentally I am already there.

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6am - oatmeal, coffee

Spaced out and missed 2 meals

3pm - burrito bowl w chicken thigh, beans, brown rice, cheese, avocado

4pm - protein cookie

5:50 - Rotisserie chicken mom brought home... snuck some to my dog and she is rewarding me by sleeping on my feet. Aaaaaaah.... warm doggie fur.

8:30pm - cheeseburger lettuce wrap, a couple of sweet potato fries, but I brought most of them home to eat later today

10:30pm - post-nightmare-date-binge: 2 cheese quesedillas, caramel trail mix, dark chocolate cherries, a mint smart-ice-cream pop. My emotions: A lot of self-pity, bottomless-pit-loneliness, hopelessness, rejection, desperation, and self-hatred.

Weight loss!!!! About a pound? How is that possible since this past week I ate 4 pizzas, tons of protein ice cream, bag of tortillas, milk chocolate, and otherwise went to hell with myself?

I guess it's the puppy diet.

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Fitbit says I did an average 7 miles a day last week... just in the living room

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My dog is soo happy to be home. So much less shedding and so chill. She started rattling my dad's dog gate this morning and I gave her a cbd oil treat and she chilled out and is flopped over at my feet. Oh I hope I have a solution to the crazy ocd gate rattling... omg.

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I liked the daily challenge on meu today.... write down 5 things that make you happy. "Whether browsing the bookstore's new arrivals or planting your favorite flowers, no activity is too small to be on your happiness list. List five favorite activities, and if you like, you can make a date with yourself to do one of them this week. Research shows that you can learn to be happier and more satisfied with your life, even if you're not someone who usually looks on the bright side. By writing a list of things that make you happy, you bring attention to the positive aspects of your life."

Mine are: 1. Dog sitting. Love the challenge of combining my dog with another dog and the mental challenge of figuring out that dog.

2. Trying a new recipe. Mental challenge of making something new.

3. Filling out my habit tracking worksheets. Feeling "on track".

4. Snorkeling, bodyboarding, paddleboarding.

5. Bicycling.

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After the hassle of 6 different stores to find my mom a good lounge dress, I am glad I picked the navy blue one with flamingos from Pennys. My mom loves it, she looks great, I should have gotten two... And most importantly it is long enough so I never have to see where I came from again!

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11 - B - protein cookie, the kitchen was too messy for making food

Didn't eat... was digging things out, trying to put things right. Got too hungry, ran out for a burger.

3pm - L - double cheeseburger lettuce wrap, sweet potato fries, ranch dressing

6:30pm - two whole wheat quesedillas, stevia punch

7:30 pm - salad, yam, chicken thighs, water.

10pm - 3 cups broccoli with too much irish butter but it was yum

All day - tons of frozen yogurt because... um... hungry... and probiotic.

Back home. Walked through the door and was shocked at how much work there is to do. Super tired.

One foot in front of the other. Leaving dog sitting tomorrow. This morning the puppy was super calm and acted like a full grown up dog. I was actually worried he might be sick. Just calm. I wws able to take a hot bath, shave my legs, blow dry my hair, trim my bangs, mani pedi, put on makeup, make breakfast, pull together laundry, and check email. Aaaaah.

Hormones made me eat a pizza, hershey's kisses, two diet cokes, and tortilla chips yesterday. I haven't worked out all week. This is why I'm fat.

Hopefully I can pull my energy together so I can be fat but have finished homework... priorities.