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happy-1 - Saturday Jul 21, 2018
(I can do all things through C, 80% or better daily)
Weight: 222.1

Had my third OT appointment yesterday. She went over my time tracking notes and helped me identify why my sleep meds stopped working this past week and gave me new guidelines for getting to bed... basically moved everything up half an hour and no journaling or anything visually stimulating when I go to bed. This is going to be really, really hard for me to do. I have a really active brain at night... and I am trying to get to bed by 9 so I can be asleep by 10 and up at 5 and try to beat the heat and my parent's schedules to pull it together. She also adjusted my car seat for me to take the pressure off my neck and I felt the little bones pop apart in release. The feeling in my fingers is coming back and I didn' ven realize how much sensation I had lost.

Last night my friend from church asked me how my parents are doing I said better... my mom lost 14lbs because I have been making dinner every night by 7 and putting leftovers up in single servings so she has better blood sugar control. She said oh well walking helps too and I said... no they can't walk. I guess she didn't realize that my parents are THAT big. She said no wonder you are so petrified... I said Iam? She said yeah... you're always saying you just need to pull it together... but you hide it well. If you didn't tell me stuff was going on I would never have guessed you had anything going.

Food for thought.

Taking the day off from food logging, partially because I overslept and was so tired I ate things and didn't keep track.  My neck doesn't hurt for the first time in weeks... not even a sore knot in my shoulder. Weirdly suddenly everything else hurts, I'm craving gum, and feel horribly lonely.

UDG said he'd hang out with me on Tuesday though. Looking forward to that.

The church group is at the beach today but I didn't go. I don't have anything to wear for sun protection that is cool enough right now and heat stroke has been a problem this whole month. I don't want to derail my phone interview early Monday AM and I would like to get the kitchen and patio picked up... Possibly more of the spare room cleared out.

Hugs all. I am so grateful for this site and the people here. When I started witing this post, I had that fluttery anxiety feeling all day I couldn't shake... but now I feel calm and focused.

Progress as of today: 94.9 lbs lost so far, only 16.1 lbs to go!

Donkey on 07/22/2018:
I'm glad you post here; I look forward to reading your thoughts, feelings, routines, observations, etc. No pressure to post, just sayin' I'm a fan.

The OT is right. Sadly, I too am guilty of these "bad habits". IDK, there's some comfort, for me, to sit in bed, at the end of the day, and do stuff (as long as it's not snacking!). I would encourage you to give the OT's recommendation a try, see how it goes.

Perhaps the neck pain dominated everything else that you didn't realize there was other stuff going on too. That's a very interesting comment from your church friend. If y'all do a group prayer, it would be OK to ask for their support in dealing with what you're dealing with.


happy-1 on 07/30/2018:
Aw, ty. Sometimes I post here because there are thoughts I don't want to bore people with... and I am glad I am not boring you.

OT is in the right direction... I had a much easier week without neck pain and did manage to get sleep to snap back on track. Kind of fell off logging/responding.

Horn_of_plenty on 07/22/2018:
good luck on your interview on Monday and you sound like you have lots of good activities going on. Try not to overdo activities and perhaps you will feel better and not start to sleep in because of being really tired! lately i'm doing less and boy does it feel GOOOOOD. i am sick of being really busy!

bearcountrygg on 07/22/2018:
Glad that posting here helps...…

innerpeace on 07/23/2018:
It's amazing how much pain one can take. I never really focused on ergonomics and I'm glad your OP knew to check your seat in your car to fix and/or alleviate your neck pain for now.

happy-1 - Saturday Jul 21, 2018
(I can do all things through C, 80% or better daily)
Weight: 222.1

So really stuck my foot in it tonight... I just fundamentally do not understand certain basic things that everyone else gets right off... I went to play pool tonight with that church group and the really super hot guy in the group was there talking about the recent church trip to the Philipines... they collected donations of new shoes from people here in the US and then took them to needy kids in the Phillipines. He was so hot I literally could not think of anything to say so out popped the first question that had occurred to me when I first heard about the project... "Why did you collect shoes here to take to the Phillipines? I thought they were famous for making shoes?" He and my friend shared a look and he said he'd never heard of people making shoes there, and my friend said she'd heard of shoes being made in Taiwan and Vietnam... and they just nodded and smiled so I felt really dumb... so I looked it up online just now and yes, they are a major location for shoe manufacturers, and frequently do short custom runs. I dunno why they collected them here at retail and paid for shipping. Must have been an emotional thing for the people sending them.

Too much junk food today, but worth it.

Progress as of today: 94.9 lbs lost so far, only 16.1 lbs to go!

Donkey on 07/21/2018:
Wow, that's a really good point you made! I guess I wouldn't fit in either?

They probably didn't like the fact that you called them out on the faulty premise of their ministry/mission trip. Some folks have a hard time realizing that, ahem, y'all might just be going about this in the wrong way, yo.

Personally, I think your question/observation was really smart!

Horn_of_plenty on 07/22/2018:
maybe they cannot afford shoes at all even their own brands that they make??

Horn_of_plenty on 07/22/2018:
it was a smart observation on your end, as donkey said.

happy-1 - Thursday Jul 19, 2018
(I can do all things through C, 80% or better daily)
Weight: 222.1

Yoga class at the pole dancing studio was super fun, even if I am 3x the size of all the ladies there, kept falling over, pants started slipping down, and the instructor seemed concerned I would die. It is tucked away at the back of a strip of warehouses behind the dollar store and there's no sign so you don't know it is there. The inside is super cute though... like a Barbie dress-up closet for grown ladies with stripper poles and aromatherapy... and they took a back chunk of the parking lot to make a rock garden with a little burning man airstream camper set up straight out of pinterest. I have a feeling a lot happens in that studio!!!!

However, the c1/c2 injury in my neck is killing me today... and I had a hell of a time getting to sleep last night and was up till 3am. Woke up late at 8am and am feeling off track.

So tired. Can I go back to bed? No... you can't. You need to stand up, push up, and never give up like a goddamn adult! Get your hair and makeup on! Get up to Woodland Hills for your exit interview for class. Get it over with! Get home! Make that cashew chicken as a reward! Maybe buy some pants in size medium so your flab doesn't flop out during yoga class and get back to it!!! Maybe even in hot pink to point out that even though you are fat you have zero cellulite. And find out where the yoga strippers bought exercise bras that "push up" their boobs to their chins with nothing bouncing. Grrr! Get after it! Never give up that ship!

Progress as of today: 94.9 lbs lost so far, only 16.1 lbs to go!

horn_of_plenty on 07/19/2018:
perhaps if your injury was activiated, do not do the pole dancing again!

get some extra sleep tonight so you feel less tired tomorrow, if you can!

innerpeace on 07/19/2018:
Please if you find those bras...share!

happy-1 on 07/19/2018:
You would look AMAZING in those bras! You might give several people heart attacks though!

Donkey on 07/19/2018:
Ohhhh I don't knowwwwww --- watch that neck injury! I have L-4 & L-5 and I'm a real baby when it comes to protecting it.

happy-1 on 07/19/2018:
Yeah that's why I was doing yoga and not pole dancing. I'm trying to build up my core to take strain off my arms and neck.

bearcountrygg on 07/20/2018:
Loved the description of the place...LOL....Behind the warehouses and the dollar store...without a sign....looks like a Barbie dreamhouse and smells like one too....LOL..hope you....take some hand sanitizer....LOL.....Makes me wonder if they actually rent the place or are...uhmmmm...just hanging out there...maybe code restrictions?

happy-1 - Wednesday Jul 18, 2018
(I can do all things through C, 80% or better daily)
Weight: 222.1

Good quote from one of my challenges today:

Strength in humility
There is no greater calling than to serve your fellow men. There is no greater contribution than to help the weak. There is no greater satisfaction than to have done it well.
Walter Reuther
Labor Union Leader


Had a hard time falling asleep last night after iced tea... More caffeine than I realized? Went to sleep at 3am and woke up about 10. I am kind or derailed today but working my way back. Excited to try a yoga class at a pole dancing studio I had no idea was even there... a couple of blocks from my house. Hey... I'll consider all career opportunities right now ;-)

Making the parents dinner... turkey bolognese with veggies over spaghetti squash. Maybe some garlic bread. Eating early

Gotta pull it together. Sigh. 

Will comment on logs tomorrow! Have been burning the candle at both ends and the miidle.

Progress as of today: 94.9 lbs lost so far, only 16.1 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 07/19/2018:
A new career change is obtainable...and good exercise ;)

Happy to hear that your parents are responding to the new changes.....sounds like a win win for everyone.....

happy-1 on 07/19/2018:
I dunno that my case manager would be happy to hear that I decided to give up on software to become an old, fat pole dancer... but you gotta find your bliss... right? Maybe nursing. I'd like to have a real skill.

Donkey on 07/19/2018:
You must let us know about the new yoga class if you try it out!!! It's been a secret "ideal" to immerse myself into a yoga life... possibly becoming an instructor. Sadly, I don't take active steps to do anything about this. Time and money are the biggest obstacles... it might actually be lack of real desire, because if I really wanted this for myself, I would do something about it.

I see nothing wrong with a dance career as a pole dancer.

happy-1 on 07/19/2018:
Lol, after I lose another 60lbs and reverse age 22+ years... or find a senior center to strip at... it's all a matter of perspective, right?

happy-1 - Wednesday Jul 18, 2018
(I can do all things through C, 80% or better daily)
Weight: 222.1

An extra post for today, but wanted to share some success... all these dinners I have been slogging out onto the table at 7pm and the accompanying battles, kicking of puppies, being mean to old people, not taking them to mcdonalds, and forcing them to eat healthy is starting to turn the tide. My mom has lost 14lbs or so... 223 to 209... and her blood sugar throughout the day is better.My dad tried dinner and didn't complain too much. Then we went through the grocery circulars together and put together a dinner menu plan for next week.

Who are these people and what have they done with my parents?

Dinner tonight was healthy copycat chickfila chicken nuggets (baked) and coleslaw with yogurt dressing plus spinach. My dad made a lean cuisine and also had the dinner I made but did not complain about what I made.

Progress as of today: 94.9 lbs lost so far, only 16.1 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 07/18/2018:
I'm so happy to hear that!! Good for you....You are making all of your lives better.

happy-1 on 07/19/2018:
Whether they want me to or not...

horn_of_plenty on 07/18/2018:
yes, i'm glad you are having a good influence on your parents! finally.!!!!

happy-1 on 07/19/2018:
Like water on stone... Or a jackhammer on stone... Or a gong... Or a jackhammer and a firehose on stone... eventually the stone gives way.

Donkey on 07/18/2018:
What wonderful news! :-) As I drove home from work, I passed a business who had on their marquee: "Never give up". I thought of you :-)

happy-1 on 07/19/2018:
Me and the Old Philosopher, right? Never give up that ship!!!!

For those who don't get the reference: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qty7IP8wlXM

happy-1 - Tuesday Jul 17, 2018
(I can do all things through C, 80% or better daily)
Weight: 222.1

226. Normal weight fluctuation... but I also binge ate last night which didn't help. I had a second frozen pizza, licorice, space ice cream, and mac n cheese... 1300+ calories over my goal. Ugh.

Found a site that has well-produced fitnees/health centric videos to keep on in the background while you work. http://tbd.com/shows/tbd-fitness

Got too sucked into Netflix yesterday and was not sufficiently productive.

Remembered to call OT to ask her to look at my car/neck position while driving... a lot of my time goes to recovering from neck pain that only hits me when I drive.

Progress as of today: 94.9 lbs lost so far, only 16.1 lbs to go!

happy-1 - Monday Jul 16, 2018
(I can do all things through C, 80% or better daily)
Weight: 222.1

Having a peaceful productive day so far. It's Amazon's prime day and the only things I wan't from there don't qualify. Aaaargh. Also can't get that total picture wearable (Gobe2) I saw on it. Reviews are mixed but still, can't get it out of my mind... aaargh.

Progress as of today: 94.9 lbs lost so far, only 16.1 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 07/16/2018:
A friend was disappointed in amazon today too....

Horn_of_plenty on 07/16/2018:
i may see about the chordless ear phones :)

happy-1 - Sunday Jul 15, 2018
(I can do all things through C, 80% or better daily)
Weight: 222.1

Up another pound. Normal weight variation.

Feeling better. A little. Ran out and got dad a frying pan and wrapped it. Will make dinner about 6 but for now I am finishing fixing my phone and binge watching Riverdale, a teen drama adaptation of theArchie and Jughead comic that is delicious trash. Don't drink... don't smoke... what do you do? Netflix!

Progress as of today: 94.9 lbs lost so far, only 16.1 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 07/15/2018:
I loved Archie and Veronica comics....definitely from my generation!

happy-1 on 07/16/2018:
Yeah they do a really fun spin on it. American pop culture layered over Twin Peaks. So fun.

horn_of_plenty on 07/16/2018:
good plans on Netflix instead of drinking and smoking! a good pot goes a long way...

happy-1 - Saturday Jul 14, 2018
(I can do all things through C, 80% or better daily)
Weight: 222.1

Ok. First official day of trying to do the schedule the OT set up for me and tracking it. I was up crazy early on my own... 4am.


Did get the dog walk in... sort of got the stretching self hug in... got heat stroke about 11 and crashed out 1 till 4


Really off track on eating today and up a pound on the scale. Did accomplish major goal of taking electronics and other stuff to hazmat disposal before it got hot. Yay me. Feels very freeing... good to be able to take "repair broxen ____" off my list (x20)... and have the space. Just a little less stressed but it makes all the difference in terms of mental bandwidth.


Attempted to make larb (Thai-style ground meat dish) without any of the ingredients... just mushroom boullion, lime juice concentrate, jaggery, garlic, ginger, onion, cilantro, and ground turkey... and ended up with a pretty good cilantro-lime turkey over brown rice. It wasn't the Thai takeout I was craving but very little is and delivery is always disappointing. Could definitely have done with some spring rolls though!!!!

Maybe I will try to make pad thai this week :)


I miss being out on Saturday night and having fun.

Progress as of today: 94.9 lbs lost so far, only 16.1 lbs to go!

Donkey on 07/14/2018:
Boundaries....Good for you for sticking to them today. I agree that it sounds like sticking to the errands you need to do today will be better for him and you (and mom) in the long run.

Was he offended that you declined? I hope not.

happy-1 on 07/14/2018:
I got about half done... will need to run out tomorrow early AM and try to finish them... including finding him a present for his birthday... getting him a new non-stick frying pan... I ordered him more fans but they won't be here till mid-week.

And yeah he was mad mostly because he finds the one destination rule unreasonable... but my mom can do that with him not me. She'll yell and boss him around to eat some glucose tablets when he starts getting low blood sugar. I don't catch it till it's already a disaster.

horn_of_plenty on 07/14/2018:
I agree with donkey that some boundaries are helpful and that there's compromise that is also helpful with family !!!

Nice job being productive I guess your mind was ready to go early to get a head start on your goals !i used to be like that but now I get way more sleep and it's no longer easy for me to wake up before the crack of dawn earlier than my alarm !!

happy-1 on 07/14/2018:
Yeah I got a migraine midday but bounced back about 5. Just need to get used to it again.

happy-1 on 07/14/2018:
And hugs

bearcountrygg on 07/14/2018:
You know your Dad's limits.....I agree...1 thing a trip...and if today wasn't the day...than it will have to be another day. On another day...could you take him to the drive thru at Mickey D's...and then go in another place?

happy-1 on 07/14/2018:
I might be able to take him somewhere then McDonalds then home... the blood sugar control just isn't there... it goes down then shoots back up again and all the physical and emotional complications that go with it. I dunno how this was easier than eating healthy and exercising... but it's the choice he made.

bearcountrygg on 07/15/2018:
Is he on insulin ?

happy-1 on 07/15/2018:

Donkey on 07/15/2018:
I feel your Saturday night pain...

happy-1 on 07/15/2018:

bearcountrygg on 07/15/2018:
If he is on insulin shots...several times a day...he may not be using it correctly...…..lots of diabetics in our families…...some on ills, some on pen just at bedtime...and some on several shots a day immediately before eating...and it needs to be adjusted to what he will eat...…...diabetics can get pretty goofy...if their numbers are off......that may be his whole problem...it's a real balancing act.

bearcountrygg on 07/15/2018:
That should have said PILLS

happy-1 - Friday Jul 13, 2018
(I can do all things through C, 80% or better daily)
Weight: 222.1

Another teeny tiny incremental loss of that .1 lb! Yay!!!!

Probably God saying "Good on you for sticking to your plan yesterday and also for not going camping to take stuff to hazmat but you don't want to go anyway so only .1 for you..."


Fell off logging food on the Rise app, partly due to app crash, partly just generally discouraged and lonely. It's not much fun to try to do all the things you need to do and stay away from people who want to do things that make you fat.

My ex in SD wants me to come hang out but a) my inner 5 year old doesn't want to go because he didn't send me a valentine's day card till March, b) I need to get work done on my car, c) We do well when I'm there then after I go home things get weird.

Meh. Maybe time to go back on justOKcupid.

Slept in today. I think my mom threw up last night. Worried.


Online challenge had tasks to help you pick 3 people who can support you, then identify 5 ways they can support you. Here were my 5:

Not bringing home junk

Going to bed on time

Picking restaraunts that aren't all you can eat and have easy healthy picks

Picking things up at the market I ask for

Helping me stay on track with my schedule and plans

Progress as of today: 94.9 lbs lost so far, only 16.1 lbs to go!

bearcountrygg on 07/13/2018:
Hope your Mom is okay...…..

happy-1 on 07/13/2018:
She says she swallowed wrong and was coughing a lot

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