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happy-1 - Sunday Oct 27, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 46 of 60.

Happy birthday for me.

The bike trainer is all set up. I will post pictures soon, I just have to work some of the kinks of the setup out so it is messy. I did 45 min cardio on it this morning. I then went to church and breakfast with dad's bereavement counselor. It was a very kind invitation. We went to a restaraunt on the beach.

My meals today were very on track... I made some blueberry protein pancakes this morning for first breakfast. At brunch I had 2 eggs, fruit, and one muffin (they serve 2???? who needs 2 muffins????).  Then I had a whole box of figs (yum) and a leftover protein pancake. At dinner I had a spinach mushroom omelette and 1 piece of toast. As a bedtime snack I had a slice of cheese and a slice of turkey.


Dad talked me into going out to dinner tonight. We went to Spires which does have some decent menu options, but I was so tired I didn't pay attention to what he was ordering and was apalled when it came. Full cream chicken gumbo, 2 giant slices of garlic toast, burger patties smothered in gravy and a double order of fried zucchini... so much cholesterol and sodium for a normal person, let alone a congestive heart failure patient. It resulted in a big fight. It wasn't a birthday dinner, it was unwitting assisted suicide. He says it's my fault he ruined my birthday dinner. I set him up. I didn't tell him beforehand what he could order if we went out. I didn't think I needed to. We've been out twice with other people and he's ordered simply both times. I just relaxed for a second and then watching him eat was a slow motion trainwreck. I wanted to push it off the table and drag him out by the ear.

I hope he lasts the night.

I hope I don't dive head first into what remains of his personal papers tomorrow before he wanes up and try to find a piece of mail that qualifies for submitting an application for a meal delivery service for people with serious diseases including congestive heart failure patients.

My head is pounding and my back hurts. So glad I have meds that knock me out.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Donkey on 10/28/2019:
Ooo, a bike trainer - can't wait to see pics!

Today I have a taste for an omelet. Of course, I won't get one, but reading your breakfast and brunch sounded so yummy.

I'm sorry about the birthday dinner though. We've had similar "discussions" with my husband. My daughter still gets disgusted, but I no longer say anything.

happy-1 on 10/28/2019:
I’m so sorry. I feel for your daughter. My dad says I don’t respect him enough, but it is hard to respect someone who abuses themselves and doesn’t respect their family members to take better care of themselves so they can be there for them.

BearCountryGG on 10/28/2019:
Well...one thing is for sure we can only control what we eat...others...not so much...hope he enjoyed the food fest.....it may be a long time before he gets to do that again. Hope you had a happy birthday......

happy-1 on 10/28/2019:
Hugs, ty.

legcramps on 10/29/2019:
It's hard to watch someone go through something and know that they are the only ones who can truly change their lives for the better. Even though your dinner didn't turn out as nice as you were hoping, I hope you still had a nice birthday day :)

happy-1 on 10/30/2019:
Thank you. Hugs.

happy-1 - Saturday Oct 26, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 45 of 60. 3/4 of the way through.

Made today count by:

  • Going to the “Coping with the Holidays “ bereavement workshop at Kaiser
  • Took my bike to a bike shop for a stuck axle nut (doh). But bike is now ready to be put on the trainer.
  • Stayed home for the workers to come and finish window installation
  • Cleaned fridge 

So very tired. In my bones. In my soul. Everywhere.

Workshop was surreal. Kaiser is a health agency facing epidemics of heart disease, diabetes, and cancer. The snacks they served were donuts, coffeemate, junky granola bars, and cookies. At the end everyone got up and said who they were mourning and how they had passed. Everyone except 1 or 2 people looked fat, sick, and nearly dead (including staff). Every reason for passing was a disease related to diet and nutrition. I had this sudden feeling like the leadership at Kaiser had set it up so that my mother never had a chance in that system. One snack won’t do you in, but by serving that they make it seem like eating donuts and coffeemate, and bars with simple carbs won’t negatively impact your health... I had the same claustrophobic reaction to a nutrition class and a diabetes class I went to with my mom to support her. They were focused on how much of foods with simple carbs you could have and made it sound like you could eat white bread and ice cream every day and still expect good health.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Donkey on 10/27/2019:
I hope that you can find a way to rest your soul. Physical rest is one thing, mental rest is yet another. But when you are that tired, that your soul is tired... that is tired.

That is so odd about your meeting at Kaiser. I bet it felt like being in an episode of Walking Dead...

happy-1 on 10/27/2019:
It felt exactly like the Walking Dead.

I need to find out what the organizer charges to be a pet sitter so I can take a couple of days off and not have to talk or think about my dad.

Maria7 on 10/27/2019:
I hope you get some good rest soon. You are such a wonderful, caring Daughter.

happy-1 on 10/27/2019:
From you, that is a lot. Hugs.

happy-1 - Friday Oct 25, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 44 of 60.

Tired. Made yesterday count by taking dad to see some friends he used to work with. One will give me a referral to a much needed service. Win! I made it count. I fell asleep almost immediately and slept around the clock. Felt almost human this morning.

Having a hard time making today count. Poor air quality due to fires and it is super hot... 97+. I woke up early and moved tables for my dad’s computer setup around so he could have more space, went grocery shopping, and picked up mail and it about wore me out. 

Cat is back to peeing the carpet again. This time because he wanted into my closet and I closed the closet door in his face.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Donkey on 10/26/2019:
I was wondering if you were affected at all by the fires, as you had not mentioned them before today.

My sympathies about your cat's behavior.

happy-1 on 10/26/2019:
Hate locking him in the bathroom all day, but we have an ammonia problem that borders on hazmat. Took him for a walk tonight so that should help.


grannyannie on 10/27/2019:
I had a cat once that refused to use the litter box. Had to give him away.

happy-1 on 10/27/2019:
I can see why. The ammonia is terrible. Dad wanted him out with him today. So he is out and free to pee the house.

happy-1 - Wednesday Oct 23, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 42 of 60

Made yesterday count by

  • Helping dad complete a critical business task
  • Taking him on an outing to Ralph’s
  • Continuing to work on the bedroom switch

Made today count (so far) by:

  • Finished setting up the front room. There are some cleaning and organizing tasks left but I can be in there and get dressed
  • Calling around to find out about mold removal and carpet cleaning  

Having a lot of behavioral issues with the cat post dental surgery... He’s going number 1 and number 2 everywhere. It’s only been a few days but it is impossible to breathe and between that and the mildew in the front room, I had the worst asthma attack this morning.

I compounded the peeing problem with the cat this morning... I sleep with my door closed and he likes to be out with my dad... so I brought him into my room for kitty cuddles... he went straight to my dog bed and peed on it. I panicked picked him up and flipped him over. He looked deeply into my eyes and kept peeing like a little fountain. I was covered in it. The cat was covered in it. My bed and clean laundry was covered in it... I had no idea a cat had that much inside... They aren’t that big. I shut him in the front bathroom, grabbed his litter box and when I opened the door he rushed out and I dropped it on him. I then had to chase him down so he wouldn’t smear poop everywhere. He went straight into my moms art storage tower. I tried to pull him out but he wrapped himself around a cross bar and I couldn’t pry hm. I chased him out with a storage tube, then he shot across the room and scaled the curtains. I pulled him down, shoved him in the front bathroom again, and gave myself some asthma attack recovery time. Hadn’t had one that bad since I was a kid. When i was ready to be friends again, I let him out and gave him some deli turkey. He promptly wanted out to the rest of the house from my bedroom. When it was not provided immediately, he peed again. 


I think this cat now lives in the front bathroom.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

BearCountryGG on 10/23/2019:
I'm wondering if the anesthetic changed his personality.......cats can be pretty easy to agitate...I know our cat doesn't like any kind of change....he races around the house and scratches his scratching post when things don't go the way he wants.

happy-1 on 10/25/2019:
Augh. Anesthesia can’t change it forever. He was back to normal yesterday afternoon. Then he peed the carpet again today.

legcramps on 10/24/2019:
Oh boy! That sounds like a very long day.

happy-1 on 10/27/2019:
Such a long day...

innerpeace on 10/25/2019:
OMG I've never had a cat that peed on everything, he must must really be angry with you.

happy-1 on 10/25/2019:
Yeah... I’m the mean lady that has him confined to the front room so he can’t pee on my mom’s artwork

happy-1 - Monday Oct 21, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 40 of 60.

1/3 of the way through. I’m 80% near a nervous collapse (but still have 20% left, lol). Possibly 60 days of making every day count may have been ambitious. But shoot for Rodeo Drive and you might make it to Nordstroms.

Made yesterday count by getting another window replaced, clearing out more stuff from the middle bedroom, handling a bad plumbing problem like a boss, and making more progress on setting up my bedroom for success.

Made today count (so far) by:

  • Getting up at 5
  • Having a kitty cuddle and feeding the cog an upgraded breakfast
  • Going to bereavement group 
  • Grocery run for dad favorites
  • Signing up for a waitlist for an adult loss of parent support group 
  • Nudging my dad to look at the forms I need him to sign for senior center, meals, and other business so I can take my life back

Remaining for today...

  • Kitty dental follow up (augh)
  • More work on front bedroom... I will have space to exercise first thing.

Interesting article on getting organized for weight loss. I liked what it said about controlling your hot zones...


Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

happy-1 - Sunday Oct 20, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 38 of 60.

It’s midnight but I did it. I got my dad into a bedroom. I’ve worked more or less around the clock since I got the mold test results. I feel hugely fat, my back hurts, I keep peeing a little. I am beyond tired. I even had a claustrophobic attack and had to run out because there is just so much stuff... I can’t manage it all... I’ll never have a place to sleep tonight... but I did. Mostly by putting his bed in while the rugs were drying during the day but not so much

Poor dad thought I was shoving him in the tiny room with all his computer stuff... but I wasn’t... I just put his bed, ac unit, and lamp in his room. I’ll follow with his clothes tomorrow. I figured he wanted to be out in the living room and social, not locked away in his bedroom like the unloved relative... Just a separate place to sleep is all. A place to retreat to and close the door.

Jokes on me... The cat christened his new room by taking a giant poop in it. So big I thought it was the dog.

So now dad is stuck with wet carpet smell to sleep with. oops. miscalculation.

Other joke? The room I moved into hasno wifi.



Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Donkey on 10/20/2019:
Cats are like that. The last cat that passed away would do that with everything new. Ruined our flooring in the basement. I think new things caused her so much anxiety and that was her way of letting us know that she was not pleased.

Donkey on 10/20/2019:
PS Learned on Friday that the older cat we have now is going to need a lot of dental work. Thought of you.

happy-1 on 10/27/2019:
Skip it. Puree chicken and sweet potato with bone broth. Nothing is worth the personality flip.

Horn_of_plenty on 10/20/2019:
i hope you feel better soon <3

innerpeace on 10/21/2019:
My dog poops in our hallway when we have company. He don't like people over.

happy-1 on 10/27/2019:
LOL... Maybe he needs to hang out in a bathroom while they are there.

happy-1 - Friday Oct 18, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 37 of 60 Days No Contact and Making Every Day Count

Mold Armor test kit analysis results came back!!!!! What looks like toxic black mold is actually a common mold "Cladosporium" that is bad for asthma and allergy sufferers, or if you have a specific allergy to it. I just have to scrub it off and use borax or bleach, and possibly some borax as a rinse when I clean the carpets. I probably need to use antifungals when we dust as well and pay more attention to cleaning the blinds.


God, thank you. I needed a break to come my way.

Made yesterday count by working with the pro organizer, but also went to get prescriptions and a few groceries.

Making today count by tackling the mold, rug cleaning, and the room swaps.

In theory, the bereavement counselor is supposed to come by, but I won't hold my breath. She cancels and reschedules all the freaking time.


Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 10/19/2019:
It's good to know it's not the toxic mold type.

you sound so productive. whatever carpet cleaner you use, i hope it doesn't "bleach" your color carpet!?

happy-1 - Thursday Oct 17, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

36 of 60 days of making each day count while in no contact with ex.

So far I have made today count by:

  • Working with organizer to clear more papers
  • Clearing more clutter in the front room
  • Following up on mold test... They have it! Results soon...
  • Following up on getting terms and conditions email from Smile Direct... Why is this so difficult?

And it's only 3pm.

Binge ate last night because I didn't take sleep meds before dinner. And because all of this **** is so overwhelming. And because my friend called me to push me to celebrate my upcoming birthday. I couldn't even wrap my head around trying to do anything for fun or joy... Plus I don't really want to go see people who are terribly, terribly worried about me and be asked horrible questions. It was dismal and I overate.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 10/17/2019:
omg, i MUST clean my apt SOON.

i have a mess of clothes and need to prob throw out around 5% of my stuff...doesn't sound like a lot, but it is ;)

sorry about the binge, i totally understand...just try to make the next day a LITTLE bit better. you have a learned a lot over the years on how to manage it, and you will get there again :)

happy-1 - Thursday Oct 17, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 35 of 60

Made yesterday count by:

  • Critical: Going through all the mail I stashed, and making a list of accounts, balances and bills.
  • Supporting dad doing his own taxes

Made today count by: 

  • Going through a backlog of paperwork I thought I needed to do and tossing half in the shred bins.
  • Taking dad to mail his taxes
  • OT session
  • Getting better blood pressure meds
  • Critical: Getting dad's handicapped application in the mail...
  • Making three healthy meals for dad... Blueberry pancake, falaffel/hummus/salad, asian chicken stir fry and wontons.
  • Working on my project plan some more


Professional organizer tomorrow. I think I will ask her to help me put the house back together so I can get a housekeeper in.

Tomorrow I will go to Home Depot and get a rug cleaner and start cleaning all the rugs for swapping rooms. Makbe another mold test kit since they haven't received mine yet to give me results I am desperate for.

The Asian chicken was pretty good...



UPDATE: Having a hard time getting to sleep. My friend called me to ask about celebrating my birthday. I don't really want to. I don't want to lose a day where I could be doing something... And really it is several days because I would need to take a couple of days away from the house at a hotel first to be able to pull that off. I just got really overwhelmed at the idea of even trying to have fun.

That's what I'm missing from my ex... the idea that my happiness matters and I deserve to take time for myself.

And a really great guy to do that with.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 10/17/2019:
why can't you do something on the smaller end for your bday??? like just a dinner? why does it have to be several days?

happy-1 - Tuesday Oct 15, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 34 of 60

Slept 11h, almost a record. Was really exhausted. Dad asked me to cook breakfast and I looked at the kitchen and thought "Maybe after a crime scene cleaning"... It is daunting.

Also daunting is that he wants me to drive him to the post office... I'm exhausted and my blood pressure is high. But his tax deadline is today. I offered to take it for him but he insists on going. Uber?

Partially exhausted because in addition to the dad friend excursion and kitty dental yesterday, we had a major fight 5AM because dad forgot about the kitty dental work and didn't want me to spend the money. We'd already talked about it so I ended up grabbing my backpack and the cat and shoving both in he car and sitting outside the vet office for 2 hours till they opened up to drop him off. I now see the value of the cat carriers. He got so freaked out at being grabbed from his sleep and tossed in the back like a furry little football, he peed on all my mail.


Making today count by contacting my doc to see if there's a better med for blood pressure, trying to take it easy, and just trying to get through my mail.


UPDATE: Got almost nothing done because dad was having a drama queen moment over his taxes. But at least I did dishes, set myself up for the bereavement counselor tomorrow, and got a little rest. And the cat is feeling better... So there's that.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Donkey on 10/16/2019:
Did dad meet his tax deadline?

happy-1 on 10/16/2019:

BearCountryGG on 10/16/2019:
Hopefully it gets easier to avoid fights with dad...he might enjoy the drama....but it is sure adding stress to you guys.

Horn_Of_Plenty on 10/16/2019:
You and Bear visited the post office today!

sometimes you need the sleep.

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