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happy-1 - Monday Oct 14, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 33 of 60

Made today count by getting the cat dental surgery and taking my dad to see friends he grew up with who were in town for a wedding. They kept trying to give me money. I just said if you really want to help, help me sort out my back to work plan. Nobody wants to deal with the minutiae. They said they would. Have to crack on that tomorrow.

Kitty's dental surgery was extreme... $864 and they pulled out most of his teeth. Appparently they couldn't examine him without putting him under anesthesia because he "shattered" each time they touched his mouth. I tried to give him a piece of deli turkey but he actually said "ow ow ow" while eating it and then ran away. I scooped him up and carried him off to bed. He has apparently forgiven me and is perched on a blanket on my favorite pillows at the foot of my bed, drooling red goop.. Not only is this relationship official in a database somewhere, I have invested in it. I think he would really enjoy a small dog bed at the foot of my bed and in a couple of spots. The gift I have given myself for my birthday is happiness for my kittykat. I'm thinking that my dog could use a better dog bed that isn't compressed and possibly with a waterproof cover inside. Kind of feeling this... https://www.amazon.com/Dogbed4less-Memory-Pillow-Waterproof-Inches/dp/B071NT8LCF/

(Fell asleep last night while writing this, LOL.)


Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

happy-1 - Sunday Oct 13, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 32 of 60.

Yesterday was a rest day... as in "so tired I can't keep going and just have to sit here like a lump". Still managed to do dishes, wash food storage containers, and do laundry (sheets, blankets). Fell asleep on the bare mattress with the lights on waiting for them to dry.

Still in need of a rest day. Still managed the major move things away from the windows so that the broken one can be fixed and the front one can be replaced. We now have two tightly sealed front windows. Still waiting to see the results of the mold test before I move either of us into the front room. Is it the bad black mold with neurotoxins or is it the ok black mold that just makes you sneeze?

I wish there was a crystal ball I could use to see into the future and figure out what to do next.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Donkey on 10/13/2019:
Er... I hope it's not the toxic black mold type. When do you find out?

BearCountryGG on 10/14/2019:
Mold is never good.....hope it isn't a major problem.

Horn_of_plenty on 10/14/2019:
i am sooo in need of a rest day today...but going out later with friend while he fishes...but i'll just read :) outside reading can count as rest right!?

me too, crystal balls, but, what if it didn't tell you positive things LOL. that's my own weird thinking.

Maria7 on 10/15/2019:
It is very good to take a day to rest. Then you will feel (more) refreshed for the tasks ahead...more energized.

happy-1 - Saturday Oct 12, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 31 of 60. More than halfway through.

Made yesterday count by taking care of my health. Got new meds, the splinter in my foot out, and a couple of groceries. Gave the pets a can of dog food and went to bed immediately.

A little burned out. Making today count by trying to do things to just feel better mentally and physically to get back in the game. Got up early, healthy breakfast and coffee, odds and ends to be more organized, saw Downton Abbey. Took a little time for myself... 5 hours of a break.

Things like repairing the vacum cleaner and cleaning the kitchen can happen in tiny baby stages.

Have the amazing reprieve of not having to take my dad to see his friends until Monday. I can get another day to recover.

So tired.

One foot in front of the other.


Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Donkey on 10/13/2019:
Keep moving forward - you're doing great!

happy-1 on 10/13/2019:
Thank you!!!!!! Now that I am past the hump I can go back and read everyone's comments and posts and participate again. I had tunnel vision for a little while.

BearCountryGG on 10/13/2019:
Glad that you are finding some me time...we all need that!

Horn_of_plenty on 10/14/2019:
do you always take your dad to see his friends? i don't remember ever reading that before :)

also, nice job on moving along to day 31. freaking awesome, that is great - def keep staying away from someone who cannot give you the things you desire. definitely!

happy-1 - Friday Oct 11, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 30 of 60

Spent last night in the ER for blood pressure. They checked me out but couldn't actually do anything... So big ER bill coming up not exactly for nothing, but sure feels like it. Blood pressure monitor showed climbing levels and I didn't want to wait to be in the red zone, but the Uber ride there relaxed me and it dropped by the time I was triaged. I was super glad I went there with the monitor to show them so I didn't look nuts. Well, as nuts. Slightly less bat****?

Rescheduled with bereavement counselor for next week to help my dad organize bills and taxes. I kind of needed the extra time anyway to go through what papers I have collected.

Making today count by going to GP and dermatology appointments. Plus setting up blood pressure monitor. Not what I planned to do today but important nonetheless.


Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 10/12/2019:
despite this slight hickup with your blood pressure, you have recovered like a warrior after it!! keep on and try not to overbook yourself so that you can go many days being successful and not beat yourself up :) <3

Donkey on 10/12/2019:
(((hugs))) good idea to get another BP monitor - one that's for just you.

happy-1 - Thursday Oct 10, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 29 of 60. Almost halfway there.

Made yesterday count by:

  • Investigating new teeth alignment options at SmileDirect
  • Picking up prescriptions
  • Pushing further on getting my dad set up to go to the senior center, a work in progress
  • Filing more taxes
  • Going to yoga
  • Picking up healthy groceries

Making today count by:

  • Getting up early and going to urgent care (splinter)
  • Working on the front room with organizer
  • OT appointment
  • Eating healthy
  • Starting a new blood sugar sensor
  • Getting on the same page with the bereavement counselor before the session tomorrow


Update: Went to urgent care, yes I have a splinter that needs to come out, no they can't do feet... and bonus I have scary high blood pressure. So I guess I also made today count by finding out I need to do something to not die.

Bought the Withings blood pressure monitor for same day delivery on Amazon. Guess I learned my lesson about not buying a replacement critical device I need because my dad has it and won't let go.

Booked follow up appointments for tomorrow.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 10/12/2019:
of all the things you write about, it's steady that you aren't contacting your ex and that is good as you are moving on and doing things that are so much more beneficial!!!! go you!

i cannot believe they cannot take the splinter out! whatever happened with it?

Horn_of_plenty on 10/12/2019:
donkey's exile joke below had me laughing ;)...she's right...i like her suggestion, too.

happy-1 - Wednesday Oct 09, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 28 of 30 No Contact with Ex. Painful but becoming more of a habit now.

Made yesterday count by taking dad to the doctor. The rash he won't let me anywhere near has turned out to be bedsores from sitting and not moving. I don't know what I will do about this. He sleeps in a chair and gets angry when I try to wake him up to move him. I emailed his heart clinic for suggestions... It's the reason he won't lay down. I also pushed him to get a flu shot. I have a bunch of follow ups for him today... booking MORE doctor appointments.

While we were there, I had a bunch of scares... His oxygen tank ran out and I didn't catch it (although I had loaded a bunch of spares in the car I only put one on the rollator because it makes it heavier). He got scary tired and I was glad I got him on the rollator because I had to put him in it and tow him to labs. After labs he went to the bathroom without the oxygen and came out after a long time pale and sweaty. I freaked out and had a nurse assess him... which made him very angry because it just turned out to be low blood sugar (I thought heart attack because he had been off the oxygen). Eventually I gave up and towed him out to the car. He didn't want to do the important errands we had planned for on the way home... but still expected me to take him to a grocery store I had said I would take him to. No way was I taking him to a grocery store if I already had to tow him out of Kaiser so I said I need to go home and eat something and lay down for a little while. He's desperately unhappy without all his treats to binge on. I desperately don't want to lose another parent any sooner than I have to. I think it was good that I took care of my mom... I got to make my peace with her. Maybe I will get the same with him.

Small shift in mindset yesterday... I had so much time waiting in the hallways of Kaiser, I just said F it and started doing a light workout routine to get my heart rate up. I knew I would be too tired when I got home to do it. Simple stuff... crossovers, knee raises, bicep curls with the oxygen tank, squats and stretches. I got a lot of stares... Particularly from the security guard. But screw it. Luckily I was wearing a sports bra and outdoor clothing from Marmot, Columbia, and Northface so it was easy. I'm carrying a huge backpack for the both of us so I think that added to the cardio

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Horn_of_plenty on 10/09/2019:
good job taking care of your dad. i guess you now MUST get him to move or move him time to time to different positions? maybe you can look up online different positionings to counteract bed sores? sorry to hear this happened with your dad. i know it's common when people stay in the same place all day.

good job adding a workout in lol. you are balancing a lot, it sounds like, by taking care now of your dad.

also, great job on not contacting your ex. when i think about the guy who i really liked but never even became my boyfriend, so i'm not relating it exactly to your case, as this guy TOLD ME to not contact him lol - at first i thought it was was a joke when he wouldn't reply to texts, etc....but then i realized he couldn't give me anything! no matter how hot this guy was to me, he wasn't available. and i had to remember it would never be worth it.

Horn_of_plenty on 10/09/2019:
(worth it to contact him because he wasn't available!)

Donkey on 10/10/2019:
Now that you are coming to an end from your ex-exile, have you thought about extending the 30 days' period to a little longer?

Donkey on 10/10/2019:
You're doing great, by the way - even if it doesn't feel like it.

Maria7 on 10/10/2019:
You are doing FANTASTIC! Hope you have a good day today.

happy-1 - Tuesday Oct 08, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 27 of 30

Making today count by:

  • Making dad his favorite blueberry pancakes for breakfast to get him off on the right foot to go to his doctor appointment 
  • Taking him to the doc and making sure he has a flu shot
  • Packing a cooler of low sodium, healthy snacks so we aren’t taken off course 
  • Standing up to my dad when he wanted to go to the Entemanns bakery outlet... OMG my parents would bring home 20 boxes 

Today is still in progress.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

happy-1 - Monday Oct 07, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 26 of 60

Made today count by:

  • Going to bereavement group
  • Getting my flu shot
  • Getting the cat's microchip record switched to me from animal control. It's official, he's my cat. It's in a database somewhere... All 9lbs of fur, poop, claws, appetite, and drool
  • Renewing my dog's license

I did a bunch of other stuff also (mail pickup, groceries, prescriptions, gas, making dinner, dishes, feeding pets, vacuuming).

Slightly offput that the pets weren't more excited about their updated legal status. I guess they don't understand that it increases the liklihood that we will be reunited and they will have more homemade chicken dinners in turkey gravy like they did tonight.

Stood up to my dad when he was hammering on me for dessert. He wanted ice cream but the flu shot took me out before I could pick any up.  He was determined to get a dessert out of me... He thinks I am holding out on him with stockpiles of treats... Named every dessert or carb we have ever had in this house. I laughed and said we don't have any of that stuff. You literally ate it all. Then he started coming up with delicious things I should bake right there and then... while washing 4 sinks of dishes by hand and a back that is killing me. He had to make do with grapes, melon, and berries. A real hardship. I told him there is dessert at the senior center and we can take the bus there for my birthday. He said to do it he has to put his name in a central database. A database of what, cranky old seniors whose kids want them to see other humans who aren't being paid to be nice to them?

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

grannyannie on 10/08/2019:
You had a very productive day! Sorry your dad is so annoying, but they can be that way.

Donkey on 10/08/2019:
LOL on your pets not being too excited about updating their microchips - ha ha ha!

I do applaud you for standing up to dad on the desserts. I think you did wise to tell him like it is. Just kind of exhausting to have to go through the conflict. I'm sorry :-(

Donkey on 10/08/2019:
I know you are not commenting or reading others' entries right now, but are you reading our comments to you? <:-)

Horn_of_plenty on 10/09/2019:
why do you renew your dog's license?

lol, he should know that fruit is wonderful and healthy and you can call it a dessert if you wish hahahaa

great job not contacting a man that is not able to give you what you need. stay away indeed!

happy-1 - Sunday Oct 06, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 25 of 60

Last night's sacred cow sacrifice really upset my dad. I knew it would... I opened his mail to start compiling a list of bills and expenses. I waited till everything was done and put away for the night before I handed them over. He was really angry and wanted to talk about it, but I had already taken my sleep meds and it was after 8pm so I went to bed to avoid the worst of the fight. I actually locked the door, but I don't know if it mattered because I was asleep so fast. This morning he was still angry. He finds it outrageous that I opened his mail when he never once violated my privacy and opened my mail. I said maybe you should have. I was on your couch with a broken neck crying my eyes out, pissing and ****ting myself for over a year. I wasn't working. That's not my normal. I have worked since I was 14 and I put myself through college with zero debt. I kept saying I couldn't deal with anything and I didn't know why and that I wasn't paying my bills. My mail came to your PO box. You handed it to me every day. It was piled up in your living room. Mom had my power of attorney. How hard would it have been to open a couple of pieces of mail? I figure it is family's job to know what your normal looks like and when you can't do that, help them. Dad not being able to run a critical errand and do a critical task twice in one week isn't his normal. It's time to step in.

Felt stress level drop again. Almost like getting the bends while coming up on a dive.

I actually fell asleep almost immediately without binge eating last night. The trick may be to take sleep meds before dinner so they get into my blood stream faster.

I also started cleaning out the pantry of anything expired, bad for us, and all of mom's food purchases that we won't eat... like psyllium husk and sugar cookie mix. How do those two things belong to the same person?

I really pulled off making yesterday count.

Made this morning count by getting up early, walking my dog, and getting dishes and laundry done. Today I will work with the professional organizer on the front room some more. Maybe I will even get to scrub down the patio before dinner. Dinner will be healthy... turkey veggie pasta. I can skip the pasta and put it over spinach.

I really, really miss my ex. Not just having someone, him specifically. He has been blown apart and put himself back together so many times, I miss his steadying and grounding presence.

One foot in front of the other.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

Donkey on 10/06/2019:
I must remember your encounter with your dad, regarding his mail, for when I get to that point. I can understand his reaction, but what you did is absolutely the correct thing to do... and I'm sorry that your folks did not do that for you when you needed help.

I think you're right about taking your sleep medicine - if you need it - before dinner. That seemed to work for you. For me, night eating is completely 100% comfort-seeking emotional eating. Sometimes that's what it takes. I say better that than booze or drugs. The key is to find a way to change the coping mechanism or the situation so that it's not a permanent "solution" and one can move forward.

I love the "one foot in front of the other" -- I may use that for a mantra some time soon, if that's OK.

horn_of_plenty on 10/06/2019:
There are times I have been so tired all I can think to do is eat my way thru an afternoon or night and when I haven’t slept well for days or weeks (have not had this problem as of late), I have also taken something only to help me sleep so I am not reaching for food all night. I don’t do this all the time since the sleep medicine makes me groggy the whole next day / thru noon.

legcramps on 10/07/2019:
I don't know if you feel this is true for you or not, but I really feel like you've made some fantastic 'discoveries' as of late. The last two situations you've handled where you've felt that level of stress come off your shoulders, that's amazing progress. I just want to give you kudos on making such groundwork lately with your Dad and with your own balance. You are doing such a great job!

happy-1 - Saturday Oct 05, 2019
(Make each count for 60 Days No Contact till 11/8)
Weight: 216.3

Day 24 of 60

Made yesterday count by doing a bunch of things to straighten out mom's estate. It's surreal. While taking care of her estate, I sacrificed one of my dad's sacred cows. The task was something he would have done himself, he wanted me to take him there to do, we've tried to get out twice to do... And haven't. He's only able to walk 3 min, and is super tired, confused, and weak by the time he actually gets anywhere. So I did it. I had been holding back to respect his independence but it was critical business contributing to my overall stress and panic level. 

My stress level afterwards dropped so fast I couldn't drive so I did a random wander through Ross. Just a place to decompress. While wandering I found the perfect grey coverlet to go with the grey striped sheets for $30 that I actually need for cooler weather (can't take using my mummy bag anymore... no more creepy crawlies and dog fur from camping in my bed at home thanks). Mom was a huge fan of beautiful bedding. It felt like a God nudge to say I did the right thing and feeling better at home will help you do better for dad and the pets.

Told my dad when I got home. He it the ceiling but eventually saw my reasoning, I think. He's not as mad at me today at least. I also brought home groceries and made him dinner. Maybe that helped.

Nighttime eating thing is getting scary. Falling asleep with lights and tv on. Woke up with an ice cream sandwich wrapper stuck to my gut. One step at a time to get it under control.

Making today count. I got up at 4:30am, did chores, walked my dog, and went to yoga. A good start.


Update: Wiped out from yoga, surprisingly still got things done. I sacrificed another of my dad's sacred cows and opened his mail to try and start figuring out what all the bills are. It's a big to do item to get my life back.

Progress as of today: 100.7 lbs lost so far, only 56.3 lbs to go!

grannyannie on 10/06/2019:
Sounds productive. Nightime eating is a hard habit to break. I know!

BearCountryGG on 10/06/2019:
Well...if he isn't opening his mail and paying his bills...then you have to.

Horn_of_plenty on 10/06/2019:
yes, the bedding set is lovely with your sheets - i'd buy it myself ;)

sorry about your nighttime eating - one thing is don't take the food in your room...i have suffered with it too, so i understand.

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