I think my dog is worried about how skinny I am getting. I just watched her chase a mouse into a sticky trap and turn around and alert me to the catch. I think she expects me to eat them...

And my dog is smart enough to pre-meditate a mousey death in a sticky trap????

Grrr... get after it. Up at 6:30 today... in stages... plan was an 8am bootcamp, but it wasn't going according to the posted schedule and is a 10am Zumba class instead. Arrgh. At least I am up on time!

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Unpleasant discovery... one of my insurance accounts was cancelled and may not be reinstated. I am still sifting through my chaos and am not quite on too of things yet... crap. When will I have basic organization and life management happen? I'm 40.

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Got to Zumba!

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Next unpleasant discovery... Mice.

God, grant me the strength to figure everything out and then follow through on it.

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Speaking of planning... I do have to say that the worksheets really are helping. There is something about paper and pencil that accesses a different part of my brain and allows me to think more realistically about what I can do in a day. I am going to update my profile and change my diet to reflect this.

Bullet journals kind of work this way... It's kind of one of those. Just done up in Google and printed out once a week.

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From my planning, I see that I run out of prepared meals on Thursday this upcoming week. That means I need to check the sales on Tuesday when they change, go food shopping on Wednesday before my track workout... stick it all in the cooler and then take it home to prep meals right away! Oi! 

But I couldn't have told you that last week!!!!

I think writing out what I am going to have ahead of time is really, really helpful and might help me stay on plan for eating and working out.

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One mouse down.

Slept 9h, had vyvanse and a cup of coffee and some excedrin... but I am still sluggish and my jaw hurts. Working on my "cocktail" to get me started (vyvanse, coffee, advil, excedrin) and I am wondering if I should add some pre-workout mix to my stack prior to cardio. Maybe even a recovery drink. L-glutamine helps with soreness but there's a wall of hopelessness and sadness I hit after... I've been tracking my energy levels throughout the day.

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Fell asleep too fast to do my bedtime meditation last night. Neil Gaiman's Stardust just knocked me out. That man is the best bedtime story teller. I wonder if his SO's suffer from narcolepsy... his voice just knocks them out. Bedtime meditation:

3 grats - 1) my parents for sheltering me while I straighten out my life at 40. 2) the money to pay for a crown after the root canal, 3) my friend for being open and receiving to reconnecting when I thought all would be lost if I tried reaching out to people again. 4) That even though I did not work out yesterday today is a new day and I can try again.

Things I did today that I can take pride in for improving my fitness: 1) Ate on-plan all day except for bedtime snack that was two tortillas and some cheese because that was all that sounded edible, 2) Got work on my crown started so that I will be whole and able to resume fitness activities and eat healthy food, 3) went to bed on time, 4) Made sure my dog ate and went on 2 walks. I take better care of myself when I take care of her. 5) kept my objectives for the day realistic. 6) worked on my tracking sheets.

Selfless act: Filled out customs forms for any soldier care packages. Let other people in line in front of me.

Obstacles: Money, time management, pain, loneliness, overwhelm

Vision of what life will be like when I am fit: There is a guy on OKcupid that I am chatting with who seems almost too perfect to be into me. When I have achieved my fitness level that will be one less thing I think about that makes me "not good enough" for someone... or worry that I need to find someone who also is not physically fit because they will accept me as I am.

My intention for today: Close out the week on a high note.

How I will work heroically today: I will take the care packages to the post office. I will fill out the EDD benefits form and apply for at least 3 jobs today. I will go to the church potluck tonight and make new friends. I will come home early and go to bed on time so I can be up at 7 to go to the church workout at 8am. I will clear more space in the living room so I can do the whole simplyfit board exercise video... or I will find a rug remnant so I can do it outside.

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Poked the EDD again on job retraining. Trying to do Software QA this time. 6 week job retraining program with placement assistance.

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A little off track today. Was up at 7:30... Went to the dentist and it is a long drive there and back with a lot of traffic in between. Waiting for 7pm to drive back... and I!ve been on the road home since 3!!! I'm going to ask for an earlier appointment than 1:30 next time. Bleh. Have everything to work out with me but super wiped. All the driving? At least I have a big bag of broccoli and another of sweet potatoes in the cooler. Grrr get after it.

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Have a potluck tomorrow and I am not sure what to bring. Has to be a cold or room temperature dish because I don't want to have to stick around at home to make anything or clean anything up.

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Made a first stab at rebuilding friendships by calling Kelly tonight. I haven't talked to her for a year? More? It occurred to me that this idea that I have no friends anymore might be because I made it that way. We had a nice chat for about half an hour and it made me feel a little less lonely.

Also fixed my icloud account. Maybe my calendar will synch now.

Today is definitely an exercise in mindset and psychology over patterns and phobias. I had a hard time getting to sleep last night after another round from The Circus. Doesn't matter what it was, I did not do my bedtime habits or get to bed on time. I had a hard time waking up (either I can't function on less than 7 hours or that's how long it takes my prescription sleep aid to wear off) and didn't get my eyes open / stop hitting snooze till 7:30. This meant I was already 2h late for my day. It also meant that I hit the edd office an hour after I meant to. It didn't really matter but I wasn't meeting standards I had set for myself and so I woke up berating myself and that made me start to spiral. It was definitely a process to tell myself to knock it off, put my big girl pants on and get over it. I am safe and secure for the time being. I have a plan and a program and I just need to stick to it and be within 80% or better the whole week. That I managed to get up an hour earlier than I did yesterday and I need to cut myself some slack because I am recovering from a really, really big abcess and accompanying infection and that is going to take some time. That I am working hard to take my supplements and eat on program and that in a week or two I will feel so much better and the weird dragginess is probably from all the ramen, bread, pizza, rice, mashed potatoes and other crap I ate when I couldn't swallow or chew. That I ate on track yesterday, and even made my parents a nice dinner of tri tip and broccoli. That today I have done 3 of my 10 daily actions right so far... 2 meals (power oatmeal + coffee, eggs + broccoli + sweet potato) and supplement stack. That last night was Tuesday and I made it to the DA meeting and I started my share with saying thank you to the people running the meeting and that I appreciate them being there and making the effort to have all the literature and that the other meeting I went to didn't have it and that made ot easier to tackle some of the prework, and I really appreciate all the work they do to keep the doors open and because they were there I was able to make a better health decision and I went to a real dentist and it was too far gone for a dental school and could have been so much worse and I feel somuch better and I didn't realize how sick I was... like a frog in a pot. Then I paid cash to order the books and it perked up the organizer and made him feel better. That today is Wednesday and there is a free track workout down at the high school and it is the perfect opportunity to time myself running a mile. That I feel emotionally out of sorts because I forgot to take my vyvanse this morning and this spinny scary feeling is partially withdrawl because I am chemically dependent. That if I go home and take it right now I will feel better. Then I can restart the day. So I did. Iwent home, ignored The Circus, took my meds and ate my meal prep, and had a hot shower and a good cry. I then leashed my dog to my ankle so she couldn't do her door rattling routine, took some advil and excedrin to see if I could make it through today without codeine and laid down for an hour to let everything kick in and my blood sugar come back up... and you know what??? It worked and I feel so much better. I can go out today and tear it up.

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Bedtime meditation for yesterday because i was too tired.

3 grats - 1) the people at the da meeting for beating the drum and keeping the doors open. 2) my friend pat for wanting to see a movie with me. Morale boost that helped me get my edd application in. Doesn't matter that she had car troubles and had to cancel. 3) that i feel better and can do more. I put together perfect tri tip and cleaned up after like it was zero effort.

Pride in fitness efforts - i did 9/10 on mon and 8/10 on Tuesday

Selfless act - got the treats for the any soldier care packages into ziplock bags and also pulled together hot sauce and other condiments. Now I just need to mail them today. I also picked up trash off the ground where I went to eat my lunch and left it better than I found it.

Success for today: get the care packages in the mail, write my personal statement for the application, fix the screen door (can't get my head around that task). Time myself running a mile.

What Life will be like when i am fit: i will be up at 5 and drinking coffee while it is still cool out. I will have bandwidth to joke and play. I will have the rigor of discipline over my emotions and not spin out but be cool to take action.

Mantra: 10 fitness actions today, every day.

Used my simplyfit knockoff board to do their 21day challenge video last night. It didn't feel like much of a workout but I got really sore and had a hard time getting to sleep after. Still sore this morning and up later than I would like... 8:30. Fitbit says I got 7+ hours but it feels like 4. Took a hot shower but starting slow out of the gate today.

Too tired to do bedtime meditation last night.

My intention for today is balance.

My fitness pride yesterday was that I did 8 of 10 key fitness activities (meals, supplements, workouts, meditation) despite challenges from The Circus, and that I did 3 of 5 personal business items that were critical.

My obstacles were: pain, recovery from tooth infection that made me woozy, adhd sensory overwhelm (everything too loud, too bright, too distracting to focus).

My heroic vision for today: Get critical things done for the edd, then meet my friend for $5 movies, and hopefully still make the DA meeting tonight.

My selfless act was going to the post office to get boxes for the any soldier care packages and giving my mom my chicken cesar salad from Costco for dinner and my dad a rotisserie chicken meal I had prepped. Both were already accounted for in my calorie plan for this week but I will make it up later. It wasn't my night to make dinner but they wore themselves out doing The Circus today and weren't up to figuring out dinner. I wasn't well enough to cook.

My 3 things I am thankful for 1) I found my checkbook, 2) I didn't actually lose my wallet, 3) my mom helped me not lose a key domain registration after I thought I lost my wallet and cancelled my credit cards by letting me use hers to do a 1 year renewal for $13.95 on her card... my whole life would have been toast and the deadline was today and it wouldn't take my emergency gift card!!! Only registered cards. 4) my dog ate most of her dinner last night, ending a hunger strike.

My vision for what life will be like when I am fit: I will have better focus and attention. I will recover faster emotionally. I will have more energy, take fewer breaks and be more effective with my day. I will be able to fit in fun and get to sleep faster. I will have more capacity for friendships, relationships and kin keeping. I will have more will power and be more in alignment with God/primary values.

230.6 post-breakfast. Downward trend!!!

Pulling it together this morning. Getting through the bedtime habits took me from about 11:30 till 1:40AM, largely due to the pile of dishes and having to finish assembling meals (I started on Saturday, but teeth were hurting so I had to stop and put away halfway through). Got up at about 7:45, and then it took a while to get started because my brain would just not come together. The song on the radio was one associated with a bad memory and it got stuck in my head like an earworm, the memory replaying along with it.

About 5 hours behind on my vision of success for today, but I am dressed, caffinated and ready to tackle it as best I can. Going to have to get out of the house and find Internet. This dog thinks I should go back to bed and wants to be in constant contact with my body which I find very distracting.

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Great video on mastering social anxiety: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8GSf5cYCvE

• When you get socially anxious, it's part of dominance hierarchy... Like packs of dogs. When you get nervous you really need to be assertive and make eye contact because it's a pack hierarchy thing.
• Horus mythology was partially Egyptians recognizing the power of the eye and looking in order to pay attention to things 
• Our brains automatically avoid looking at anything our right hemisphere identifies as not going right
• It is the thing that is not going right that we need to pay the most attention to. It's the place you get all the information
• "Talk to your enemies because they may tell you what you do not know and why you are a fool"
• It doesn't matter that t is rough. Life is rough

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231.2. Still up but on a down trend!

Made carrot cake overnight oats and I have to tell you IT IS FANTASTIC!!!! I get huge cravings for carrot cake and this definitely satisfies my sweet tooth. It's about half a cup of grated carrots, 1/3 cup oats, 1/4 cup walnuts, 1 scoop vanilla protein powder, cinnamon, raisins, and water. I also power it up with grated ginger, chia meal, flax meal and coconut oil. Let sit overnight and then reheat. So easy and soooo good. That is in my permanent rotation now. Yum!!!!

Plan for the day is to go seek coffee and get myself in order for the week. I wanted to go to services tonight but I have meat I need to make up and that's going to take a bit.

Btw... I forgot to mention that after all the crap Molly gave me over the Fitbit and my various emergency supplies that I keep in my car (I'm always worried about earthquakes and floods as I come to and from my adventures), Molly has purchased the Fitbit Aria 2 scale AND a prefab emergency kit from a catalog. What. A. Hooker. So much crap on both... One nearly cost me her friendship because she thought I was saying she's fat and should lose weight. The other was a huge fight whenever we hang out because she thinks that it's a sign I'm going crazy. (I'm not. I just keep my backpacking pack in my car and a hiking outfit plus some coast guard water and bars. It's just double duty. I can go on sierra club hikes and carry my pack for conditioning then put it back in my car for emergencies and pop it into someone else's if we use their car... which is where the fight starts with Molly because she didn't understand what the value of having emergency supplies in your car are and I would put my backpacking pack in her trunk when we'd do a car trip. Ugh.) Never mind that the kit she bought is complete crap and probably not great in an actual emergency... At least it is something. I can help her make a better kit over time. So very, very validating.

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Achieved my vision of success for today by getting out for a hamburger and putting together my week... during which I realized that I need to get scholarship applications together by 7am tomorrow so that I can get paperwork submitted. The whole root canal thing really threw me and I realized that I need to get my **** together ASAP because I need to be approved and enrolled by April 4th. OMFG. Had to flake on making dinner and go to Starbucks to work on it. This one is open till 9pm I think.

BUT... Heroic success... I have gotten through my entire "drag bag" of undone paperwork and unopened mail and made a to-do list of what I need to do to get back on track.

AND my credit score sucks considerably less. I still need to work on it to be able to do anything with it, BUT... It is getting better. Another few months and I might be able to rent a studio apartment when I find a gig wherever I find one. So much more is possible.

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Mulling over whether I should get cosmetic repairs made to my car and get a part time job driving for Lyft. I hate driving and try to stay off the road, but it would be easy enough to do. There are some horrible news stories about people driving for these services though and I dunno if I want to do that.

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Bedtime meditation (aaaaah clean sheets and a warm puppy)

1. 3 things for which I am grateful:
   • My parents, without them I and my puppy would be really screwed.
   • The people at DA, the food bank and the edd for shaking me out of whatever dark cloud has been sitting in my brain and blocking my effectiveness. And that I can think again now that I have had the root canal.
   • That tomorrow is a new day and I can try again.
2. Take pride in the things I did today to improve my fitness :
   • I gave myself a couple of days to ramp up again.
   • I packed meals for the week so I can hit the ground running tomorrow
   • I tried to pick healthy meals that are on track more or less.
   • I had a brownie at Starbucks and didn't beat myself up about it
   • I did all the pm habits I am trying to build.
   • I made sure to set aside time to hang out with Pat from my camping girl gang to see a movie on Tuesday and deveop new friends.
3. Obstacles I encountered today:
   • Pain, not being on a sleep schedule, feeling fat and not in control of my body, restlessness and anxiety, discombobulated
   • My dog is bored and wants more fun than her walks involve, and is being a butt. My dad is constantly in the kitchen when I am, mooching. Makes it take longer to cook and do dishes. Can't swat him with a newspaper.'
   • Money, disorganization,, too much of the wrong stuff in the house
4. Vision of how I will work heroically to be successful tomorrow:
   • Wake up early, go to edd, fill out another scholarship app
   • Certify for edd benefits
   • Cook dinner. Use simply fit board to exercise. Do toning workout
5. Selfless act for today: In honor of Donkey's son in grad phases of bootcamp and Easter, when I was at the 99 cent store today, I bought stuff to pack easter badket themed care packages and send to deployed military personnel, one chick and one anyone.
6. Set my intent for tomorrow: To meet the standards I have set for myself

232.8 ... still a little up but not as much as I was. I will start fitness and nutrition tracking again on Monday... but it still felt good and reassuring to weigh in and then eat a tub of power overnight oats and drink my coffee that I set up last night. If only protein powder worked like a coffee creamer.

I actually was able to sleep in my own bed last night. I've been sleeping upright on the couch for two weeks. My dog was funny last night. She kept herding me into bed over and over. She was so excited when I actually got in and laid down. She has been really anxious about me. This morning she crawled up for extra good morning cuddles. I haven't taken the codeine yet and was able to make it through doing my hair just on ibuprofen. ---- Major accomplishment for today was to take a load to hazmat collection. I filled up the whole passenger seat. Then I went grocery shopping and tried to replace the battery for my drill. No luck.

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Bedtime meditation

3 grats 1) my parents, 2) that I am starting to get things together,3) that I have a good place to go tomorrow morning

Fitness pride: I worked on cleaning up at home and bought healthy groceries

Obstacles: pain, tired, lonely, dog won't eat

Success: coffee somewhere, maybe evening services

Selfless act: nothing today.

Intention for tomorrow is to heal.

Missing the DA meeting tonight since I am still on pain killers and can't drive. It feels a little like someone whacked me in the head straight on with a baseball bat. Giving myself a few days to bounce back and starting over on Monday with diet and fitness. Went to Costco today and got protein piwder, broccoli, blueberries, chicken, and vitamins.

I deeply wish I had frozen yogurt. Watching Bachelor Winter Games... It's actually pretty good... horrified I like it. I blame the pain killers.

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Bedtime meditation... 2 days worth:

1 - 3 grats: 1) for my mom who drove my car back from the endodontist and then after to run errands yesterday, as well as to costco today. It meant that I could be on pain meds steadily and I really needed them. She isn't physically up to much and even that is a strain... and she's ony 65! It was a real sacrifice on her part. 2) for my dad yesterday who ate my homemade turkey burrito bowls without complaint when that was what I could pull together after my root canal. He was chomping at the bit to go to McDonalds but it was raining and my mom was wrecked. 3) for the endodontist who fit me in for the next day appointment and said gentle encouraging things while I toughed out a super painful and expensive procedure, 4) for the dental assistant who was just nice to me and chatted about happy pleasant distracting things and put me at ease, 5) for the money to pay for it, 6) for feeling better today, 7) for whatever pharmacist at costco stocked extra adhd meds so I didn't have to special order this time when I was down to my last 2 days. I forgot to put in my order ahead and sometimes it can take a week or more... I am super glad I didn't have to go through withdrawl or lose effectiveness this week when I am starting to pull it back together.

2 - Obstacles: Pain, money, not being able to drive. Dog is frustrated and restless. My life is chaotic and a wreck. Molly is still drifting away. I feel lonely. Pain meds meant missing the DA meeting tonight.

3 - Heroic vision of success - Tomorrow I will work on my application for a scholarship and certify for edd benefits.

4 - Selfless act - Yesterday I told the lady in the waiting room at the dentist that the giant yelp of pain and sound of kicking was me and it was because I had a terrible huge abcess, and that the Dr does very good work and her daughter was in good hands so that she would be at ease. Today, I heard my dad complaining that he couldn't eat breakfast because there was no butter so I got up and made hm pancakes, sausage, and eggs even though it wasn't on my schedule and I was supposed to be able to sleep in. Then I sat and had breakfast with him this morning and tried to keep him company (although I was kind of insufferable because pain meds hadn't kicked in yet so I dunno any of it counts.)

5 - Set your intention for tomorrow - To heal